Ask Slashdot: Terminally Ill - What Wisdom Should I Pass On To My Geek Daughter?

An anonymous reader writes: I am a scientist and educator who has been enjoying and learning from Slashdot since the late 90s. Now I come to you, my geek brothers and sisters, for help. I've been diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer, which you will remember is what took Steve Jobs and Randy Pausch from us. My condition is incurable. Palliative chemotherapy may delay the inevitable, but a realistic assessment suggests that I have anywhere from two to six months of "quality" time left, and likely not more than a year in total.

I am slowly coming to terms with my imminent death, but what bothers me most is that I will be leaving my wife alone, and that my daughter will have to grow up without her father. She is in sixth grade, has an inquisitive and sharp mind, and is interested in science and music. She seems well on the path to becoming a "girl geek" like her mother, an outcome I'd welcome.

Since I will not be around for all of the big events in her life, I am going to create a set of video messages for her that she can watch at those important times or just when she's having a bad day. I would like to do this before my condition progresses to the point that I am visibly ill, so time is short.

In the videos I will make clear how much I treasure the time we've spent together and the wonderful qualities I see in her. What other suggestions do you have? What did you need to hear at the different stages of your life? What wisdom would have been most helpful to you? At what times did you especially need the advice of a parent? And especially for my geek sisters, how can I help her navigate the unique issues faced by girls and women in today's world?

Please note that I'm posting anonymously because I don't want this to be about me. I'd prefer that the focus be on my daughter and how I can best help her. Thank you so much for your help.

Comments

Instilling values more important

[davidwr]

As important as it might be to encourage her geek talents, instilling and encouraging humanitarian values is far more important.

Make sure she knows she is loved. If you are religious, ask your wife to keep making it a priority to encourage those values in your daughter.

Make sure she knows that human beings have value and should be respected and treated well, just as you and your wife have treated her well.

Encourage her to use her talents and interests to make the world a better place.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Anonymous Coward]

" If you are religious, ask your wife to keep making it a priority to encourage those values in your daughter."

I could not disagree more strongly. Religion is not a core value, it is a philosophical choice which a child is not
even equipped to make until that child becomes an adult.

The number one thing a child should be taught is to always think for him or her self. This is the antithesis of a parent attempting to "program"
them with stuff like religion, or with anything else.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Khazunga]

I agree 100%. Recording advice for specific situations is an Herculean task, bound to fail. I'd go for core values too.

If I had to boil down what my parents taught me through life, it'd be three things:

1. We love you unconditionally
2. You can do anything you put your mind into (kid version) / You'll fail at a lot of stuff, but that failure is essential for success (non-kid version)
3. Happiness is a byproduct of the good you spread around.

Number 1 provides confidence in self, number 2 pushes for an active stance in life and number 3 is the core life mission.

Looking back, specific advice was always based on a reading of these core concepts. You can't possibly predict every specific piece of advice your child will need. You can, however, provide a framework for her to evaluate her options down the road.

Leave her a few videos, exposing *your* core approach to life, so that she can reason like you do. Every word will be treasured. Then, when you have a satisfying length of recorded messages, spend time with her and your wife. Don't fret about setting up memorable events. Just take the time to enjoy yourselves together. She'll remember it fondly.

Re:Instilling values more important

[DarkOx]

Adding to this no matter what you do suffering the loss of her father at such at an immediately per-adolecent age like this is going to be a hurt she will probably always carry. Keep in mind she is old enough to have a pretty good although not complete idea of who you are, you are I am sure important to her if she shows it or not, and she is going to recall both her own pain at your loss and the pain of your wife etc.

That isn't a hurt she might want to work thru in the midst of other big life events. She might be really having fun with her friends on graduation day and not feel like opening that wound, and if she does not sit down and watch the video of day feel guilty at betraying your memory. Other events in her life might simply not take the shape you imagine, suppose you make a video for advice on marriage but she chooses not to or worse feel pressured to marry because she thought you expected it of her?

I think leaving videos behind is a wonderful idea but if it were me rather than making event specific videos I'd make age specific videos, titled like "For Winter Sometime your 25th Year" you can talk about some of things you were going through at that age, ideas about the world you recall having, how you felt about things etc. I am sure she will find your thoughts very interesting. There is still plenty of time to give adive an things as well, like "Spring of you 15th year".

This way she can pick a time when its emotionally convenient to visit with the memory of dad and you can still say what you want to say to here around given stages of her life.

Re:Instilling values more important

[narcc]

The same can be said about any and all values including "a child should be taught is to always think for him or her self".

Once you realize that, you'll be well on your way to being able to understand moral reasoning, and far less likely to spout silly "relijuns is the bad" comments at inappropriate times.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Critical Facilities]

I believe you may be confusing the word "compassion" with "deference" or otherwise equating it with passivity. It has been my experience that engaged compassion is far more useful that the exaggerated facade of confidence that many people present so as to seem "strong".

From a different perspective, compassion offers the mind something to chew on in confrontational and challenging situations that isn't offered by simply meeting a challenge with resistance or avoiding a confrontation. Compassion allows the person to understand the ROOT of the issue(s), and therefore can make a better informed decision about how (or if) to respond to the situation.

So, to build on your suggestion, let's assume that his daughter does indeed continue in the "geeky arts and sciences" and let's assume that she does face all of the challenges and opposition she's going to get from her mostly male classmates/peers. She could adopt the "cast iron bitch" attitude or just power her way through, ignoring it as best she can, and she'll probably make it through just fine. On the other hand, if she looks at these situations with compassion, she gets to fully understand it. She can realize why each of those peers treats her that way, and come to understand that it's likely born out of jealousy, or fear, or lack of understanding, or any other number of things that could explain why these people are treating her poorly. The significance of this, of course, is now that she fully understands how and why these things are happening, she can a) fully drop any personal apprehension she might have about things she might be doing to create it and b) be better informed and able to look for these behavior patterns in the future. With each encounter, she can further refine her understanding of her environment and her dealings with her fellow humans, and she can therefore refine how she responds to each.

Compassion does not mean "turning the other cheek", and incidentally, your "religious" quote about the "meek inheriting the earth" is christian, not universally religious......a lot of us think that's a bunch of crap (me included).

Re:Instilling values more important

[loose_cannon_gamer]

I could not disagree more strongly. :) I think you (parent post) have a confused idea of what religion is.

"A religion is an organized collection of beliefs, cultural systems, and world views that relate humanity to an order of existence." (Wikipedia.org). As a geek, I have no doubt that you (OP) have had life experiences which have led you to a set of beliefs, cultural systems, and world views that help you personally relate to the rest of humanity and the universe, possibly including a sense of the Divine. And as a geek, I have no doubt that you have experimented, analyzed, observed, tested your surroundings, and developed a set of values, beliefs, and ways of relating to others and your universe which have brought you some degree of happiness and peace.

It sounds criminal not to share such lessons with your own child. Of course your child will choose for herself. But to deprive her of those things in your life which have worked for you, especially in this area, seems foolish. Share with her the best path you have found and challenge her to find a better if she can. :)

(I suppose that I, as a geek, don't really buy in to the idea of an automatically-accepted formal dogma ('brainwashing'). And that said, I am an active participant in such a formally organized religion, but that's because my own set of experiments have led me to believe that this is the best path for me. And I ever seek a path which brings me greater peace and happiness, as any geek should.)

Books

[Amorymeltzer]

Give her some book ideas. Books that my father (and mother) suggested to me growing up, even if I didn't read them until years later, were much more worthwhile, especially the ones they said had an impact on them, or remembered particularly. Books create a deep connection that will last beyond any one person's lifetime.

I'm so sorry for you and your family. This is a wonderfully sweet idea, your daughter is incredibly lucky.

Believe in yourself.

[Anonymous Coward]

That's the biggest most important thing I could say to my son in this situation.
Believe in yourself. At the point that things are darkest, have the faith and confidence to know that you'll survive it and most likely come out better in the long run.
Take those challenges. Fight your way to those goals, no matter how lofty because you CAN.

Also, when people try to sap your ambition or imagination, curb check them immediately. There is NO room in your life for doubters and wet blankets.

Most of all, love yourself and those around you as deeply and as often as you can. There will be a last time you see every person in your life. Treat each encounter with them like it is.

Teenage Years

[whistlingtony]

I'd tell her that her teenage years might be rough. I'd tell her not to worry about them and that life gets better in college, where you're surrounded by people that WANT to be there.

I'd tell her that she's going to feel a lot of pressure from the people around her to be "normal", and that's hogwash. She'll be told to look a certain way, act a certain way, and that there's a LOT of pressure to not be happy so she'll buy makeup or clothes so she can BE happy, but that that is BS and doesn't work.

I'd tell her that most of the people in the world don't know what they're doing with their lives. They're going through the motions and hoping no one else notices that they're lost. The people that make choices about what they want to do with their lives are the ones that are really happy, because their life has meaning. Tell her to do whatever she wants with her life, and you'll be happy if she's happy and lives her life well.

Tell her dating is a skill, and like any skill you learn it by fucking up a few times... Her first love won't be her last. There will be awkwardness and some small amount of stupidity, but you learn from that and you get better at it and eventually you figure out who you are, who you want to be, and then you find someone that you want to share your life with.

Tell her that another person can't complete her, ever. That's her job. She can't complete someone else. That's their job.

Other than that, I'd just spill your guts on random life lessons you've learned. :D Every word will be a treasure to her, so don't skimp on the trivial stuff!

Long Term contact...

[retech]

Depending on how she is as a person, this may or may not be something to consider...

Set up a mailserver for her and your wife. You may very well have your own domain and mail already. But just ask some friends to help to ensure this will last a long time.

Then I'd suggest a series of short messages as well that could go on a very long time. Video, yes, by all means. But even some emails. Start writing down stuff now as it comes to you. The first time you remember getting in trouble. The first time you had chocolate. Or the first time you had a drink of alcohol. Anything. Everything that sticks out to you as a story. Don't preach. Don't try to impart anything. Just be you in your own voice. Talk to her like you would anyone you love. She'll find wisdom and encouragement in those things. We are only the stories we tell. Facts can be found anywhere. Information is handed out freely. But it's the connections we share with the people we love that give meaning to all of it. Give her the chance to have your stories unfold like they naturally would. Who knows what she'll be doing at 30 when that email finds her. Personally I'd laugh, cry, and be happy to have another tale from my father.

Re: Long Term contact...

[pollarda]

Perhaps one thing that you can share with her is _your_ own history. Tell her about your years growing up and the things you learned at every stage. A contemplative history of your life would be very valuable to her. Tell the stories of when you went fishing with your grandparents when you were five. Tell her about what you remember of your great grandparents if you ever met them. What books you enjoyed and why. Tell her the stories that will be lost and that she will never be able to hear otherwise. Tell her of your first love and your first loss. Tell her what made you as a person. One of the saddest things about my grandparents for me (they all having passed away) is that I can never ask them questions about their lives. It came as a huge surprise for me long after my grandfather passed away that I found out he played a key roll in the Apollo program and saved the program tons of money. (He noticed at the last moment that the blueprints had the various stages diameters off by one foot. he was the last person to see the blueprints prior to manufacture so if he hadn't seen it they would have next noticed when they put the stages together. Boy would I love to hear that story directly.) Tell those stories. Tell the story of her birth and recount the precious moments of her childhood she will likely forget. My heart goes out to you and it says a lot about you as a father and husband that you'd take on a project like this. Oh, and don't forget your wife.

Re:Long Term contact...

[Anonymous Coward]

There is a lot to be said about writing letters to someone for after you have died. But I don't know if email is the best format, and I'm not talking about the usual email vs. letter arguments of style, etc. People deal with loss in different ways and with different pacing. It would be weird enough to get emails every so often from some who passed away, but could be bothersome if a person still hasn't dealt with things yet.

Letters in a physical box, even if in electronic format, would let someone pace things on their own. They might decide to read things on a schedule you had in mind, or peak early. Or they might hide if for a couple years why still mentally figuring things out and trying to deal with something. Or maybe they want to avoid stuff all together for a long time. But the box will be there for them to come back to and catch up if they so decide. Having to file away a stream of emails is psychologically a lot more involved than putting a box away for later use.

Live the present, not the future

[turning in circles]

Hi, A friend of mine was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, Stage 4, and he spent the next 6 months lecturing his sons (grades 5 and 8) and getting them to promise to be good. I hated to watch him do it because it put a tremendous extra burden on them. One year later, I would have to say the sons are not being "good." The burden of living up to Dad's expectations was overwhelming, I think. I lost my father the summer after 6th grade. I remember him telling me I could do anything I wanted, after he listened to me sing, "I am Woman, hear me Roar," probably slightly off key, and telling him I wanted to be a rock star. You won't be there in person in the future, but you are there now. Love her every day as if there is no tomorrow, thinking about today's concerns. Respond to her questions today. She's not ready for the future now, but trust that you've given her enough by who you are and she will be when she gets there.

Of course, you can always read the Last Lecture, and do what that tells you to do.


-A geeky scientist Mom

Don't Waste Time Making films

[sycodon]

You can do a lot in two months, even more in six.

Take a vacation. See things you both have wanted to see.

Impart your wisdom in person while admiring the view at Yellowstone, Yosemite, from the deck of the Empire State Building, or the Eiffel Tower.

One second with her in person = years of films.

Re:Don't Waste Time Making films

[ugen]

This, I'd mod this up.

I love technology as much as the next guy on /., but that's not what makes a human or a human relationship. We are all living but for a limited time, the only question is just how limited.

Spend time with your children now. While you still can - go somewhere with your daughter, take her out of school if necessary. Take a trip to all the places you (and/or, especially, her) wanted to see but couldn't, do things together - go fishing or skiing or walk through Tokyo, whatever you can, while you can. There is nothing like building a shared experience. People live in the memory of those around them - the more of those memories the better.

Your daughter may or may not grow up to be a "geek". She may (and probably should) find her own path in life. But she will remember you for whatever you do now.

If you feel she needs a "hard record" of ut for later - take a few videos, while you do it.

Have Fun!

[Anonymous Coward]

It's easy to forget this simple concept and waste your time with pointless stress and self-doubt.

Talk to her NOW

[romons]

I also have pancreatic cancer. When I was diagnosed, I thought of doing videos for my kids, but decided that it would be far too Hari Seldon, and I didn't have anything really useful to say.

Death is frightening, and one of the worst parts is the lack of ability to affect the future. In my opinion, the important thing is for her to have good memories of you. Tapes won't help with that. Videos of you two at the tech museum, or at the makers faire would be far more useful.

However, if you have something to say to her that is not age appropriate, a recording might be one way to do it. Otherwise, talk to her NOW.

Good luck.

Re:Talk to her NOW

[Anonymous Coward]

A lot of people keep saying this like they're mutually exclusive. You should really do both. I'd want both. Memories fade. 5, 10 , 15 years from now the videos are going to be meaningful and help refresh those memories.

You've already won...

[Anonymous Coward]

"She is in sixth grade, has an inquisitive and sharp mind, and is interested in science and music."

The patterns set down in those years will serve her well. Tell her that adulthood seems a mile away, but it will be there in the blink of an eye. Don't be too quick to grow up, because you'll have plenty of days when you wish you were a kid again. What others think doesn't matter much in the long run. And tell her you're proud. No one will ever give a girl (about to enter a difficult age) as much confidence as her Daddy can.

Never be fearful

[boristdog]

Teach her not to be afraid.
Don't be afraid to try new things. Try all the things.
Don't be afraid to go against the popular ideas. Do what you think is best..
Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Ask for it!
Don't be afraid to do what you want. Do it!
Don't be afraid to travel. Go!

Women and girls especially need to stop believing they are weak and helpless. They need to learn their strengths and learn to reduce their weaknesses. Nobody is respected for their fears. Learn to not be afraid and you will get respect.

Think About Yourself

[Akratist]

I recently started writing "book of thoughts" for my own daughter, and was struggling to think of what to put in it. I then thought of the conversations I'd have with my own father over the years, the things I'd learned from him, and the things I'd wanted to ask him but had never come up. Over time, I realized that in spite of what each generation wants to think, their problems are not necessarily new, but are the same sorts of things with different window dressing...and that the same conversations I've had with my own daughter have really echoed the ones I had with my father. Be curious about new ideas, don't live beyond your means, double check anything you're told, be honest because once you get a reputation for not telling the truth, it's impossible to get rid of it, and so on. I'd also assemble a "reading list" of books that have been influential or important in your own life, and given that you're foresighted enough to be doing a project like that, I'm sure there have been a few. Maybe even put some in a time capsule for her, when she's at the right age to read and understand them. And, if you have them still laying around somewhere, I would include notes from college, and personal papers. After my other father passed away, reading things like that he had left gave me some insight into his life at different times.

Re:My Father

[Anonymous Coward]

With my father my biggest regret is not asking him to write these when we knew his cancer was terminal.

I had great plans to teach him how to use his webcam to record videos for me and my kids and the cancer just took over. XKCD is of course relevant. Twice

Write letters. Hard drives fail, websites go out of business. A letter photocopied and put a few places should survive most things.

Encourage action, life not wasted

[JBHarris]

You are in a position to convey the message that life is short, and the best way to do it all the way is to make sure you enjoy every possible moment. Encourage her to find her passions, and ignore the f*ck out of anyone that stands in her way towards those goals.Obviously some things in life aren't awesome (book reports, taxes, blah), but as long as they are stepping stones to what she really wants to do they are OK.

I would encourage you to label some recordings as appropriate when she gets a little older, and include in those recordings your deepest regrets, your proudest moments, and how you learned to overcome obstacles that you found in your way.

I would avoid the temptation to spend time on these recordings that you would otherwise spend with her in person. Don't use the camera as a means to avoid spending time with her, because i *know* the temptation may creep in when you begin to feel ill, and you don't want her to remember you as sick.

Include lots of recordings of the two of you together, enjoying life. Take her hiking, go see every sweet father/daughter movie there is, go to dances, bungie jump together. These aren't specifically nerd things, but they are things that will make her really look up to you and your legacy, and she will see your footsteps as admirable, and she will come to realize the way you lived is fit for her too. Show her that nerds are awesome.

I wouldn't wish what you're going through on my worst enemy, and if there was something I could do to give you two one more year together I would give it a shot. I'm sorry for your spot, but I applaud your attitude and your desire to do this for her. You're a great dad.

F*ck Cancer.

Re:Interactive

[ranton]

If my father had a set of videos like this for me to see after he died, I would want to watch every video anyway. If he had a video about what to do if I became a farmer (a route I didn't take) I would still want to watch another unique moment he took the time to create for me.

Harry Chapin's grandfather

[jps25]

I'd like to quote Harry Chapin retelling a story of his grandfather.
I wished I had learnt this lesson a lot earlier in life.
"There's two kinds of tired. There's 'good tired' and there's 'bad tired'.
Ironically now, 'bad tired' can be a day that you won, but you won other peoples' battles, you lived other peoples' days, other peoples' agendas, other peoples' dreams and when it's all over there was very little you in there and when you hit the hay at night somehow you toss and turn, you don't settle easy.
'Good tired', ironically enough, can be a day that you lost, but you only have to tell yourself, cause you knew, you fought your battles, you chased your dreams, you lived your days and when you hit the hay at night you settle easy, you sleep the sleep of the just and you can say 'take me away'."

Do listen to the full story.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?...

Re:Videos?

[SecurityGuy]

Nothing about preparing videos for his daughter implies that he's NOT spending time with her now.

For those who don't have kids, you can't spend every waking minute with them. They don't even WANT that. I have a very young child who sometimes just wants time with mommy. Sometimes she wants me and not mommy. As they get older, kids spend time with friends and their own interests (note that the OP's child is in 6th grade). I suspect there's plenty of time to record videos when the daughter is doing other things, not home, etc.

Opinions from the other side

[Anonymous Coward]

As someone who lost their father at around the same age, I've had ~30 years to reflect on what I think I've missed most. The biggest thing that I think I missed out on is knowing who he really was. At that age, you have a view of your parents similar to that of many children - you only really know them from your interactions with them from a child's point of view. As you grow up with your parents, that expands as you can understand more about them. Today, I would love to ask my father about his life and why he made some of the decisions he did (not that any of them were bad).
Some examples - as a child I had no idea of what career I'd go into. As a teenager, I would have loved to talk to my father about his college choices, why he chose the degrees he did, what it was like working for X or Y company, or even what was his favorite color.
Something else to keep in mind - Make sure that they know about your family and know how to get in touch. After my father died, I don't think I had any real contact with his side of the family for 25 years. Email addresses, family trees, backgrounds, details on brothers/sisters/cousins are all important to make sure they have.
Finally, make sure that you leave something personal. I know it might sound odd but the only item I still have with that personal connection to my father is a VHS tape with a hand-written label of a television show we would watch together. The tape isn't the important part to me - it's the label with his handwriting. It's one of the few things I have that prove he was here on this planet.
Focus on who you are, what you did, why you did it and let your daughter know how proud you already are of her. You can't guide her on each challenge she is going to face, but you can share your experiences, insights and personal history with her to help her shape her future.

(AP for the same reasons as the submitter, also the only time I've cried while on /. Thank you submitter - I think this post was better for me than therapy)

Re:You know...

[microTodd]

That's....a very sad story. How old is your niece? If she's only 15-20 then this makes sense. I bet when she's 30-40 it might suddenly matter to her to see the audio tapes of her father.

Or maybe not. Some people grow into things like this. Others don't.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[penguinoid]

Don't ask for advice online. Is probably the best advice you could give her.

Or, "Don't take life too seriously... it's not like it's permanent."

Just don't ....

[gstoddart]

Don't try to "pass on wisdom". Don't try to saddle her with some deep knowledge you feel the need to impart.

Tell her you love her. Tell her you're proud of her. Tell her she can be a bad ass, or any other thing she wants to. Tell her what is happening. Tell her it's something which happens, and that while it hurts it is a fact of life.

But for the love of god don't try to pass on some parental wisdom she'll be saddled with.

Please note that I'm posting anonymously because I don't want this to be about me. I'd prefer that the focus be on my daughter and how I can best help her. Thank you so much for your help.

Passing on a specific set of wisdom is about you.

You're dying; that is scary, tragic, and will be tough for her to deal with.

Leave her happy videos of you and her and the family, not a proscribed series of messages to be viewed at times in her life. I'm betting she'd rather see videos of you singing Monty Python songs than moralizing from beyond the grave.

Seriously, talk with your wife, talk with your doctor, talk with your friends, talk with your daughter ... but for the love of god don't ask Slashdot what to do here.

By all means do leave behind happy memories and videos to look back on. But don't be so mission oriented. That's just grim.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[Archangel Michael]

Not the worst advice, the collective wisdom of /. is both enlightening and sad ... depending on who you're listening to at the moment.

My advice ...

1) Teach her that nothing of great value is easy. If it is easy people don't value it. Don't take the easy path, just because it is easy. Don't avoid the hard path, simply because an easy path is available. You'll miss out on what everyone else is missing, and will not be better off because of it.

Things that are hard to acquire are the things people tend to value more.

2) Learn all you can about everything that interests you. Once you learn something, there is nobody that can take it from you.

3) Make things. Build something, anything. Make something that is hard (see #1), take the time to do it right. You'll learn something (#2) and you'll have something of value in the end. And when you're done, do it again.

4) Value people over things. Don't get attached to things, get attached to quality people. Things can always be taken away, but nobody can take away a friend. Not time, not distance, not anything.

In the end, there is nothing from this world we can take into the next. The only thing we leave is a bit of ourselves behind, in the lives we have impacted, and the things we have built.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[Anonymous Coward]

My advice (posting as AC, because this is from experience.)

Get married in your 20s.

After 30, the people who are single are divorcees or people who are not married for a reason, so most of the time you will be picking from the reject bin.

Re:Videos?

[Anonymous Coward]

Take her out of school, go on the road and educate her about life.

Interesting idea, and maybe a good one. I'd ask her how she felt about that first, though. She's probably having a hard enough time dealing with this as it is, and school might be a needed break for her to focus on something else for a while.

Re:Videos for future moments

[MobyDisk]

Please don't take offense, but I recommend against this. Those videos might be heart wrenching to watch after a while. Perhaps it would be better to sing with the child now, and take a video of that. Then the child has a memory of his/her father to look back on, rather than an expectation to watch a video every year.

Here's why I say this: Dispensing advice via video makes sense, because the child may not be ready to hear certain things. But who are the videos for? The living or the deceased? At some point, children need to move on. Holidays should be happy events surrounded by living people, looking forward to the future. I don't think I would want a reminder like this every year. Imagine seeing the same person, at the same age, with the same voice, singing the same birthday song every year. It would be a reminder of loss, of the unfairness of life and the detriments of aging. (Sorry if that got too philosphical.)

Create Videos of You With Her

[rabun_bike]

She will want to see you holding her, touching her and being with her. She will want to remember how she felt to have you physically in her life. When she is missing or is going through a rough time she will want to see the two of you together. Record many long moments with a camera on a tripod talking to her about the things in her life. If possible record moments outside with the two of you just being a family. She will treasure these recorded moments later in life probably more than any advice you can give her because in the end she will only want you to be in her life. The videos of the two of your together are a way for her to see you and be with you in her own way. She will never forget you because you are her Dad and she loves you more than anything in life. I have two young daughters and would do the same for them.

Dont record the videos

[Charliemopps]

Don't record the advice videos like you've suggested you would. There are a number of stories about people who've done this and it's turned out badly. If you're just saying things like "I love you and hope you're doing well!" that's great... But advice? Advice needs to bend and twist with circumstances. You've no idea what situation your daughter will be in 20yrs from now, and how the video could appear to her. What if one of the videos is "Congratulations on the degree!" and she flunks out? She'd be fine and likely do well in life anyway, but that video would be painful.

My mother came from the deep south, and her advice about African Americans when I was a child likely would have been to stay away from them. But now, as an adult, my wife and I adopted an African American child, who is the light of my mothers life. They are inseparable and she's now an emesary of inclusiveness to her southern relatives. Circumstances changed all of us, and any static, unalterable message from 30yrs ago had my mother been terminal would have done nothing but cause us pain now.

Pass on your love and support. Leave the advice for the living.

Re:terminal illness

[c0d3g33k]

I agree. This might be the only story I can recall in several decades of reading ./ that actually qualifies for the term "stuff that matters". All the best, story submitter. All the best.

Consider This Carefully

[Stormy Dragon]

Since I will not be around for all of the big events in her life, I am going to create a set of video messages for her that she can watch at those important times or just when she's having a bad day. I would like to do this before my condition progresses to the point that I am visibly ill, so time is short.

A story about a daughter who was the recipient of such letters from her dead mother:

Letter Day Saint

Rebecca was 16 years old when her mother Elizabeth died of cancer. But before she died, she wrote letters to Rebecca, to be given to her on her birthday each year for thirteen years. At first the letters were comforting, but as time went on, they had much more complicated effects.

While I understand the desire to "be there" for you daughter, the painful fact is you will not be. And as the years pass, the less and less likely it's going to be that your imagined future version of your daughter is at all like the actual person your daughter becomes. This is going to create stress as she's now constantly being reminded by your videos of how she's failed to live up to your dreams.

Re:Don't ask for advice online.

[AntiAntagonist]

I think just the opposite. Marry in your thirties- people are more likely to be emotionally mature.

Politely Disagree

[s.petry]

Hang on a sec, I'll get to my point of disagreement.

I forget the exact quote or even who the alleged author was, but it goes something like this. "Subject like Math can surely help in a career and portions of life, but understanding Politics is vastly more important. Politics effects every moment of your life, without exception. There is no subject more important, because nothing else impacts you the same way." An example is: Being a good cook takes some education, and you will surely have better tasting meals on the table. A politician taxing labor and goods, regulating food and what producers can put in the grocery store impacts not just the flavor but what you can afford to put on the table.

This lesson took me a long time to fully understand, but the world I look at today is not my own small corner. The world I am leaving to my kid is immense and goes far beyond what I directly control. I can influence the world, but I can't change it. (Reading how that sounds "NO", I am not the author of TFA).

Philosophy, Ethics, and Logic are all tied tightly together. Morality is an essential piece of those three things. Empathy is understanding the morality you dish out, as you would receive it.

The lessons of Liberal Arts last for a lifetime, compared to technology which is largely short lived knowledge. I'm sure you were proud of your Commodore64 knowledge like I was at the time, but that stuff all vanished. As did DOS, SunOS 2, HP-UX 9, and all of these other technologies that people said were "essential" to know. The latest application is not important when a large portion of the population can't afford it.

Encourage the geekiness, but make sure they understand the fundamentals that carry them through life. That means living your life knowing that you leave a legacy behind, and ensuring you know how you wish to be remembered in history. Even if that history is small family stuff it matters.

Re:from a psychologist that has helped children gr

[ranton]

This is an amazing list. I only have one thing to add (along the lines of your #10):

12) Tell her about yourself. Your daughter is old enough to remember you, but she isn't old enough to have really gotten to know you. That is something she is bound to be very curious about. She will get information from your wife, your family and friends that are still around, but hearing things directly from you could also be helpful. Tell her about important moments in your life. What were your goals dreams when in high school / college / your 20's. I enjoy talking to my mother and father about their lives, and now that I am in my 30's with my own daughter I have a different perspective.

*Your* Stories, *Your* Memories....

[klek]

After my siblings and I lost our mom prematurely, the thing that we have struggled with the most is missing all the stories she had in her head... about our early years, of course, but also about different stages of things in our lives - sequences of events, or tales of lesser-known relatives. Happy memories of us that she had & liked to recall... Silly stores that made *her* laugh... that warmed *her* heart... We will never be able to get those now that she's passed over. We've been able to reconstruct some details between us, but HER stories - anything she never wrote down - are gone forever now.

I humbly suggest to not be a "Dad" and "tell" her stuff, but instead share the stuff that makes you happy & joyful to have known her & cared for her while you did.

And,.. you have my condolences, you are in a difficult situation. All the best to you and yours..