Ask Slashdot: Terminally Ill - What Wisdom Should I Pass On To My Geek Daughter?

An anonymous reader writes: I am a scientist and educator who has been enjoying and learning from Slashdot since the late 90s. Now I come to you, my geek brothers and sisters, for help. I've been diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer, which you will remember is what took Steve Jobs and Randy Pausch from us. My condition is incurable. Palliative chemotherapy may delay the inevitable, but a realistic assessment suggests that I have anywhere from two to six months of "quality" time left, and likely not more than a year in total.

I am slowly coming to terms with my imminent death, but what bothers me most is that I will be leaving my wife alone, and that my daughter will have to grow up without her father. She is in sixth grade, has an inquisitive and sharp mind, and is interested in science and music. She seems well on the path to becoming a "girl geek" like her mother, an outcome I'd welcome.

Since I will not be around for all of the big events in her life, I am going to create a set of video messages for her that she can watch at those important times or just when she's having a bad day. I would like to do this before my condition progresses to the point that I am visibly ill, so time is short.

In the videos I will make clear how much I treasure the time we've spent together and the wonderful qualities I see in her. What other suggestions do you have? What did you need to hear at the different stages of your life? What wisdom would have been most helpful to you? At what times did you especially need the advice of a parent? And especially for my geek sisters, how can I help her navigate the unique issues faced by girls and women in today's world?

Please note that I'm posting anonymously because I don't want this to be about me. I'd prefer that the focus be on my daughter and how I can best help her. Thank you so much for your help.

Comments

My Father

[Mister Transistor]

Wrote me several letters when I was too young to read or understand them about things he wanted to let me know about in later life. He was not sick at the time and had no idea his life would be cut short by Multiple Sclerosis several years afterward. On his death, going through his files, I discovered the letters and they were very touching and helpful to me especially getting through the crisis of his passing. It let me know that as I was growing up and he was taken away by work and other responsibilities that he was still thinking of me even though at the time he seemed to be otherwise occupied. It also helped me to realize he was a person, a human being and not just "Dad", and helped me to understand and overlook some of his flaws. They did me a lot of good, whether or not he realized it at the time. I highly recommend doing this while you can. Your daughter will thank you and know you better as a person as a result, and not just have to rely on memories, photos and stories related by friends, etc. after you are gone.

I hope that helps a bit, a view from the other side...

Videos for future moments

[glaese]

You might consider video taping your reaction/commentary as if you were there for possible moments in moments to major events that happen to most of us. Wedding, New Job, Graduation from High School, Graduation from College, Birth of a child, etc. Then you would have someone queued up to provide these videos at a proper moment in time. That would certainly keep you connect in your daughter's life. Maybe even a video from you to your grandkids talking about how you were as a child. Your likes, dislikes and even funny habits you might have had. I am so very glad you have shared this time of your life with us. Thank you very much.

You know...

[HBI]

I was thinking of the same thing before I deployed to Iraq in 2007-08. I have two daughters - now 20 and 17, but much younger then, obviously. I had all kinds of ideas about what I could tell them or how I could communicate with them beyond the grave, as I took the possibility of not coming back very seriously at the time. Ultimately, I decided to do nothing. My reasons revolved around others' experiences - my brother died, for instance, at a similar time frame in his daughters' life. They demonstrated next to zero interest in what he was like, even though I had quite a bit of information about him, some audio tapes and the like. I offered to let them listen to it/see what I had/talk to them about it, and they had little interest. I didn't (and don't) imagine my kids would be any different. In the end, who cares who I was. I was their father when I was alive. Now that i'm not, i'm just some cold stone or an urn or something, a few pictures and not much else. Expecting my words to have much significance to them was not realistic.

Re:Don't Waste Time Making films

[sandytaru]

Going to agree on this. The most important memory I have with my father was the time he took me to an observatory. We stayed up until 3AM watching the stars. It was the first time I had seen the night sky without light pollution. He encouraged me when I said I wanted to work for NASA, but it was this action that I remember the most. An hour of driving, a few gallons of gas, and a free Saturday night at a state park observatory - I never felt as loved, cherished, or supported as I did that night. I lost my father when I was 21.

Something for your wife.....

[brunokummel]

I know the question is about video messages to your daughter , but there is also your wife who will miss you .... I read somewhere that a guy arranged at a local flowershop to send flowers to his wife on valentines day for some years after his death.. ...Maybe you can arrange something like that for her... good luck !

Re:Instilling values more important

[TWX]

I don't necessarily agree with instilling too much compassion.

I think that it may be better to teach her to own her decisions, as in, don't just go along with the flow, but to actually think-out and make a real decision on things. Your daughter is in the process of entering a part of her life that will fundamentally change who she is in her adolescence. She'll be faced with the social pressures of maturing into adulthood along with the internal pressures of body changes. You need to teach her to truly think about the ramifications of her decisions, to understand that in many circumstances there's no choice with all-positive results, and to accept the bad along with the good when she decides. She needs to confidently own her decisions with education, with dating, with employment. That confidence will carry her a long way, much longer than simple compassion, or in teaching blind respect.

Remember, not everyone deserves the same respect, but the reasons that individuals may deserve more or less respect is based on the individual, not on any easy category that the individual has no control over. She should judge people, but she should judge them for things within their control, for their choices. Everyone should start out as a blank slate and through observation the level of respect is determined.

I don't think that the religious expression, "the meek shall inherit the Earth," is a good thing, I think it's a cautionary tale. The meek will get what's left over after everyone else that isn't meek is done with it. That means the scraps, the used up, worn out remains. She needs to not be meek, she needs to be strong, she needs to be assertive, she needs to figure out what she wants and to make it happen, and to make decisions when others are willing to just go with the flow. She needs to understand true Machiavellianism (ie, the understanding that there are times to come into direct conflict with others, even those in authority, but that there could be consequences or long-term ramifications for treading on such people) and that life simply isn't fair. What she wants she has to go get. The Universe owes her nothing, and will give her a raw deal (ie, the expected loss of her father) and that her life is what she makes of it.

Sorry if this is tough to hear, but I'm pretty sure that it's the truth. Life is what we make of it for ourselves. Our decisions at one point affect our options at other points, and we have to assert what we want if we're actually to get it.

My mother died of the same... here's what she did

[CodePwned]

This is a very difficult endeavor for you but I asked my mom to leave her granddaughter videos of herself talking about her, the things she likes to do, her views on life and anything she wanted to tell her.

The most important thing was that she did this early on because your energy goes away. The videos need to be done NOW. The letters and writings can be done right up until about a week before the end.

Tell her about your childhood
Tell her about your first love
Tell her about your first kiss
Tell her about what you thought when she came into this world
Tell her about when you found out your wife was pregnant
Tell her about everything you have any emotional connection to.
Tell her your hopes and dreams (not of her, but yours)
Tell her how much you love her and give her confidence.
Tell her how you want her to make an impact on the world for the better no matter how small
Tell her whatever is on your mind as you write.

The most important thing is to give her things to remember you from. A nice touch is to create a letter or video for each birthday, but keep in mind she won't be able to handle these until she's much older.

Re:Instilling values more important

[demachina]

Point her to the Elon Musk TED talk. When asked how he did so many amazing things, one of his more insightful comments was he learned physics, and he learned how to approach things from the bottom up the way a physicist would. If you learn something at a fundamental level you can do amazing and new things. If you learn stuff, shallowly, from the top down, you often end up copying others which is both less amazing and less valuable.

Also has pretty good lessons for all the wanna be startup founders in Silicon Vally who are doing Uber of . . . or AirBNB of . . ., me too companies.

He also covers doing big, hard things for the benefit of humanity part pretty well.

Create your own text to speech voice

[Anonymous Coward]

Try https://www.cereproc.com/en/products/cerevoiceme

This way even if you cannot keep making videos, you can still create messages and she can hear them in your voice.

Later - if she wants she can read your emails in 'your voice', anything you wrote that is kept (facebook/twitter - even this post).

Take care

What I did w/ my geek son

[mordred99]

I am sorry to hear about your prognosis. As someone with a Geek child (now 20) I can offer some stuff for you. There are two ways to go about this: Regular Advice or Geek advice. You can go exclusively geek advice, but that is a short list and technically rather short sighted. You can give regular advice, but can add geek references would probably be more appropriate.

* How to pick a good mate (interests, money, sex, religion, etc.) Maybe include stories of your wife/your courting
* How to succeed a marriage (how to fight, alone time, sex, money, etc.)
* How to be a good partner in a relationship (no passive/aggressive, fight fair, etc.)
* Sex in general
* Self Esteem (how she is good how she is, don't change, positive notes, etc.)
* Geeky stuff you like (TV shows, books, games, etc.)
* Encourage who she is (follow your passions, be strong and confident, etc.)
* Encourage talents (you should be able to see them there, give her suggestions on what to do)
* Money (how to invest, save/emergency fund, net worth, save for retirement, keeping up with the jones, etc.)
* General advice like (top 3 reasons people get a divorce .. money, sex, religion)
* General tech advice (password resets, no 2 passwords the same, once online always online, etc.)
* More general stuff about the world around her (world economy, driving in your area, etc.) anything that you would tell a kid during their lifetime.

Re:Don't Waste Time Making films

[SecurityGuy]

I actually disagree. Writing things down or recording them is great, because we forget. I always thought it was a little nuts to go to events and spend them taking pictures, videos, etc. BE there, don't be the videographer. As time has gone by, though, I've come to realize if I had all those artifacts to refresh my memory over the years, I'd remember them a lot better.

An uncle died when I was 7. Great guy, I remember that. I remember what he looked like, but in my mind, he looks a exactly like the picture on my grandmother's wall, so I think I've lost any real memory of his face. I replaced it with the version I see a few times a year. I have no idea what his voice sounded like even though I used to see him all the time.

So yes, go do wonderful things, but also take pictures and make videos. If you were my dad, I'd appreciate that gift, especially later in life, and not just for the wisdom, just for the memories.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Austerity Empowers]

I agree with this more than OP. Rational, ethical thought should be the cornerstone of any technical minded person. Rational to arrive at the most optimal data driven solution, ethical to ensure that the solution doesn't sound like "Well if we kill all the sick people, disease will be eliminated". Empathy, specifically for geek girls, is dangerous, she's going to face an uphill battle by her peers who are going to be afraid of her, threatened by her, and pressure her to drop to the level where they can compete in whatever way they comprehend it. The only way she'll steer clear is to govern basic human empathy with rationalism and clear thought, and it will still be very hard.

In general, empathy and compassion are dangerous when not heavily moderated by clear thinking and not entirely noble. If I gave all my money to N poor today, there'd be N+1 poor tomorrow. If I gave some of my money to the poor every day, there's be N slightly less poor tomorrow. Wealth is productivity, some of us have greater capacity for productivity than others. Truly helping others is much, much harder than empathy.

from a psychologist that has helped children griev

[Anonymous Coward]

I would want my daughter to know the following:
1) I work am a child psychologist and interview parents all the time. When I ask what they want for their child, I am always happy to hear something along the lines of happy and independent when they reach adulthood. Make sure she knows that you goals for her are generalized to her happiness and independence, not specific things such as attend Notre Dame and become an accomplished engineer.
2) Know that she is loved for who she is. (especially by you and her mom) Know that other people do judge you and it can be harsh, but one of the awesome things in life, is that as you get older and are better able to choose the people with whom you interact, the fear of this judgment decreases. The "It gets better campaign" for LGBT youth is a founded on this concept, but I think it applies to all teens.
3) Girls are unfairly subject to society-specific, irrational concepts like having to look a certain way or behave in more rigid patterns. She does not have to follow those patterns unless she wants to.
4) Guys, especially in high school and college, heck many adults, can be driven by hormonally-driven motives. Watch out for hormones combined with lousy environmental circumstances like alcohol, drugs, dark alleys. Guys in high school and college also have immature pre-frontal cortices, resulting in increased impulsiveness. Make sure she has a solid set of friends that help watch out for one another.
5) The world is a fascinating place, go see it with an open mind and find new ideas that make your part of the world better.
6) The meaning of life is elusive, but to some degree we get to define our own. I have chosen that I want to make the world easier and better for other people as my meaning. I am doing so and therefore everything else is usually pretty cool. Make sure she knows to seek meaning in things that she can have control over. Psychologists refer to this as increasing your perception of self-efficacy, which usually correlates with increased optimism and happiness. This will be particularly hard in the face of the uncontrollable circumstances that led to why you are recording these things for her.
7) Record some of the goofy, stupid crap that you loved about your life, and some of the stuff you wish you would have avoided. New details from your life will help her feel close to you even after you are gone.
8) Make sure she knows that she can grieve and that it sucks and it is not fair, and that you feel the same way. Make sure she also knows that if she has a hard time grieving, that it is totally cool with you if she seeks help to figure out all the complex feelings.
9) Let her know that it is okay for her to be happy again. So many people grieving for loved ones feel bad when they feel happy, or feel like they "forgot to be sad". As though they are not doing due diligence to continue being sad over the loss. Making sure she has active access to enjoyable activities and social support. She might feel like she is "forgetting you," but reassure her that you know better. All you would want is for to be able to really enjoy the life she has. Having room in her head for all of the great times your family shared is part of that, but so is her capacity for building new great memories and experiences, and that is not a betrayal to you.
10) I would leave some pictures of prized possessions and experiences, with an explanation of why they are prized. Again, this will let her continue to get to know you.
11) Writing about complex ideas helps us understand and let go of negative feelings associated with things such as death or trauma. I would encourage her to keep a journal, and if comfortable doing so, share it with her mother to help figure these things out. It is a lot easier to recognize incomplete or irrational thoughts when we write them out.
Sincerest wishes for the least painful end possible

Re:Books

[arth1]

This is a wonderfully sweet idea, your daughter is incredibly lucky.

I'm not too sure. I lost my father when I was young. I think that if he had made a video for me, I would find it more than a little creepy, as well as being a forceful reminder of what I had lost. It would not make me happy; it would make me cry in pain, and perhaps even feel controlled.

Unless he can make it a Haron Seldon tape, to play only during special occurrences, I think the best answer might be not to.

If you want her to be able to let go, perhaps the best thing is for you to let go.

Re:Instilling values more important

[Shadow of Eternity]

I don't think it's really a bad thing to have videos in case of specific events, but really I think everyone's going about this the wrong way because OP himself has the wrong idea.

OP: Don't just make videos with advice and messages... make videos about you. You're leaving her when she's a small child, she's not going to get to know you like she would if she'd grown up with you there. Leave her videos about you, stories about your life, videos of you and your wife or parents together, things that will let her know you as a person and not just as this talking cutout of a person she remembers from her childhood. Tell her why you love science, what it means to you, how it's been a part of your life.