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Humorous Product Disclaimers
ecsmith811 writes "It seems the infamous "they" that people always refer to have come up with some new disclaimers.
If you know who Pauli or Fermi is you'll definitely enjoy this. " Yeah, it's a Monday morning. My frazzled neuralnet finds this quite funny.
Actually sometimes water can go 'stale.'
Something to do with the minerals and other microscopic junk in there. I think it may also depend on whether it is distilled or what the ratio of parts per million is. While water in its molecular form may be pure, it still has a lot of other stuff in it after it falls out of the clouds...
::: jane
That's a Visa ad.
(Someone)'s Paints can help you find just the right shade, but you won't be able to buy it with American Express.
Somehow, it wouldn't have been as effective if they were in a costume shop, buying real face paint. Oh well...
For more information, click here.
How very constructive.
You can't formulate a one or two sentence disclaimer by yourself, yet you are going to mock a successful software company? I can't wait to get a glimpse of your wit!
That's true, the temperature of fast food coffee at the time it enters the styrofoam cup is somewhat hotter than what the average coffee pot makes.
My personal favorite is the SUV commercial where they show a bunch of guys preparing to launch themselves with a slingshot, then they show a SUV and talk about how SUV owners have never been able to go from 0-60 this fast before... and on the bottom of the screen it says "claim applies to SUV".
Though I also liked the car comemrcial where it's driving fast and such on the desert, and the disclaimer says "Professional Driver. Closed course. Lucky Him."
---
"You know your god is man-made when he hates all the same people you do."
Important safety instructions - keep these instructions
Warning - Do not dispose of batteries in fire - they may explode. Do not swallow batteries. In an AAA battery is swallowed, contact your local poison control center, your physician, or the National Battery Ingestion Hotline at (202) 625-3333
Warning - Do not swallow the battery door
MrCreosote Meow!Thump!Meow!Thump!Meow!Thump! "You're right! There isn't enough room to swing a cat in here!"
New indeed. Good stuff though.
"Reactionaries must be deprived of the right to voice their opinions; only the people have that right." - Mao
Relax people. One tends to forget that a new Net generation rises up out of the ooze every 3 years. I don't know how old the /. Boyz are, but it's entirely possible that they weren't even in high school when this first hit the Metaverse, and probably didn't have rec.humor.* in the .newrsc file :) The cited website should have attributed it though. --fb
...that keep the sun out of your car when you put them on the windshield? Actual warning label from one:
:)
WARNING: DO NOT DRIVE WITH SCREEN IN PLACE.
(Duh.)
Hair dryers inevitably have:
WARNING: DO NOT USE IN BATHTUB OR SHOWER.
(in case you were stupid enough to actually want to dry your hair whilest washing it.)
And I thought I'd seen it all until someone at GM actually hurt themselves picking up a large (21") CAD monitor. They actually went and WEIGHED every single piece of computer equipment and labeled it (no I'm not making this up). For instance, on Compaq Deskpros (in slightly-smaller than AT-sized desktop cases):
WEIGHT: 28 LBS.
Caution: BULK/WEIGHT may require TEAM LIFTING and/or MECHANICAL ASSISTANCE.
Team lifting for a DESKTOP COMPUTER CASE??? Gimme a break. Yeah, mechanical assistance. We'll just use one of those big ELECTROMAGNETS to pick the computer case up from the top. No problem.
My journal has hot
It's related to the fact that socks come in pairs - the wormholes have symmetry breaking characteristics that cause left/right pairs to be separated - usually by several light years.
Hence, all those single socks that get left behind. Once one sock is sucked, the other sock will remain forever unsucked.
--
Clear, Dark Skies
Because she was stupid enough to put a cup of hot coffee in between her legs and try to drive.(coffee is made with boiling water, you know. Personally, I like it that way.) It was her own freaking fault.
--
Clear, Dark Skies
The time dimension is non-spatial, and is AFAIK usually excluded from discussions topology, physics and such.
Yes, time is often referred to as the 4th dimension, but it's usually hyperspace, which is indeed "rolled up" into a "small area", as it were.
"Reactionaries must be deprived of the right to voice their opinions; only the people have that right." - Mao
I'll be polite and assume you're using metric units. 95 degrees F wouldn't do squat to coffee grounds.
And in any case, the manual on my, er, manual, coffee maker specifies that the water should be at a rolling boil before I pour it over the grounds.
--
Clear, Dark Skies
On the plastic bottle thing --
Plastic bottles are permeable (sp?) so stuff in the air can penetrate the bottle and vice versa.
This is why plastic bottles of soda are only rated for a short shelf life, and why in some very rural gas stations they only carry glass bottled sodas. It lasts longer....
SNL did a skit that, unfortunately, I always remember when someone mentions WOW Chips. The skit's a Olestra-knock-off commercial, repeatedly emphasizing "10% less anal leakage!"
Taken from www.happyfunball.com which was original the SNL skit, I've take the liberty of posting it here to avoid the
=============================
Happy FUN BALL!
-only $14.95-
avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
speeds.
rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:
If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter
and cover head.
Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special
container and kept under refrigeration...
Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products
Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any
and all liability.
Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance
which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is
also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.
Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.
Happy Fun Ball
ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!
This is from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, (www.jir.com), Volume 36, Number 1. I think it was published about ten years ago, and is reproduced widely on the net, and as such, isn't terribly newsworthy.
A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
It'd be nice if the website in question had been as diligent in citing and/or obtaining permission.
My friend's father had taken the warning from the top step of a ladder, and placed it above the toilet in his bathroom. The label said:
"Warning! Do not sit or stand"
We determined that that left lying down.
If you are interested in this, I got the PDF from the above poster, and have put it up on the web. Look to http://wmills.tripod.com/milspec.html for the PDF. (hosted on Tripod to prevent my home box from getting /.ed, but there is something in the page to track hits :) )
Never gets old. It's in his book, "Dave Barry's Greatest Hits." A staple of my library.
Note that pure water does NOT fall out of the clouds. Water only falls from the clouds when it condenses around another particle/molecule which means by definition it is not pure.
I remember hearing once about a group of scientists tried to get pure water by boiling it over and over. They ended up getting this really weird liquid that had such great attraction they could start pouring it from one cup to another and it would continue to pour even after setting both cups down. They later realized that the repeated boiling process had melted some of the glass from the container into the liquid.
ah - you missed the obvious .... the label was on the plastic bottle, not the water ..... it's the bottle that will go off (the water tastes the same .... it's all those little disolved bits of plastic bottle that will make it taste crappy)
WARNING - Continuous contact with USED motor oil has caused cancer in laboratory mice. (1996 Ford Contour Owner Guide)
WARNING - To avoid danger of suffocation, keep away from babies and children. (on a plastic bag)
Wasn't the temperature of McDonald's coffee something like 40 degrees hotter than most other places serve it? They knew it had burned several other people but still chose to keep the temperature cranked up. This is a good reason to consume your "caffeine on the run" in the form of soft drinks.
I know warning labels frequently seem obvious, but maybe not to everyone. For every sticker that says "warning: do not stick hand into rotating blades", there is a person with no common sense and no fingers. McDonalds didn't put warning labels on their coffee until someone spilled it on themselves and sued.
Don't forget that Friday is Hawaiian shirt day.
Don't forget, the combination of spinning and heat can also open up/attract wormholes/tears in the spacetime continuum, thereby causing socks to disappear.
Yes, socks only. Only the universe knows why socks are preferred. (Don't try to observe this phenomena though. The act of observation changes the experiment, therefore, socks won't get lost.).
Well, of course I can string 2 sentences together, I'm just not a lawyer. I need a disclaimer that will stop me getting sued, not just stop someone getting offended. It needs to be kinda legally binding, so to speak.
Your story reminds me of another commercial hawking what I think are Daewoo's submissions to the SUV market. It features two completely yuppie women (both driving SUVs) who simultaneously notice a parking spot and subsequently notice the other woman eyeing it as well. Some serious off-roading occurs in the race to get there first, during which time a caption is shown that reads:
"No parking spot is this important. Okay, maybe it is, but please don't do this."
No matter how many times I see this commercial, I usually end up sitting on the floor laughing by the time it ends.
There are actually still multiple theories about the dimensionality of space, the most common being 8, ten and 17. (See twistor theory, some older string theories that are still being investigated.
It should read "..and the inverse of the squares of the distance between them," not "...and the inverse of the distance between them." -Foof
Amongst the best one would be a bag of peanuts marked "may contain nuts".
"An explanation of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle may be found in the appendix.
"Then again, it may not."
Gotta love Tom Weller's Science Made Stupid, with its own periodic table (including elements such as Kodachrome and Lint) and a natural history that declares both evolution and creationism correct (Cain and Abel married cavewomen, IIRC).
He also has a big litany of disclaimers at the start of Cvltvre Made Stvpid, including "do not induce vomiting (the contents will take care of that)" and "author carries no cash."
From the kitchen in my dorm's basement. The sign on the microwave reads:
Do NOT leave microwave unattended when not in use.
"Don't touch the bunny!"
This is a direct lift from an article in the Journal of Irreproducible Results, later know as the Annals of Improbable Research (http://www.improb.com).
At least he will not be sued....
though I am sure someone will find a way to poke their eye out with any product, and her lovely lawyer could still find a loophole in even the above warning label.
"Not my fault"
I.e., software? And how do we determine the attractive force between the products.
Assuming that the program is not presently executing in code, I would take the
mass to be the total of all the masses of the atoms used for
the storage sectors that contain the code for my product.
However in the case of executing code, do I include the rest mass of the electrons
which are being used to represent the executable image in hardware, plus the
mass of the hardware that is being used to store and execute the code?
And what about product packaging.
And do I need to include a further disclaimer that the mass of this product
and it's attractive force to other products may change unpredictably?
I bought a talking South Park Desk Organizer (Kenny for all of you who are wondering). It was located in the toy section in the store, even though it plainly said on the top of the box:
WARNING: This is NOT a toy
The disclaimer on the right is a good one. The scientific truth is much funnier. As soon as I make a product, I'll include something along these lines. :-)
---
- Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set him on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
How about some disclaimers with nice trunklets of truth from other sciences and such..
WARNING
Consuming nothing but this product might lead to dehydration.
DANGER
Stopping to breathe while watching this programme
might render your children parentless.
WARNING
Dividing the cirumference by the diameter of this
soda can top might lead to a large loss in time.
DANGER
Spitting on this piece of bread after it magickally turned into flesh will by the powers
of god allmighty lead to a nasty everlasting time
in a hot spot.
WARNING
Trying to memorize this edition of Kant's "Critique of true Reason" might lead to
a lot of confusion and brain cell loss.
Any more?
The cunning bastards have thought of that; most products are made nowadays so that if anyone looks at the twinned object, the original is instantly destroyed. Not only is this not covered by the guarantee, there's a chance that your product will spontaneously transform into something completely different; something for which you don't have a receipt.
New Scientist's Feedback column regularly has examples of bemusing labels; some examples that spring to mind (paraphrasing) are the frisbee that wasn't suitable for under threes because it contained small parts and the CD player that said "warning: dangerous warning inside".
"Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals."
What scary is that someone must have tried that for them to put the disclaimer on.
01101100 01101001 01101110 01110101 01111000 01110010 01110101 01101100 01100101 01110011
what if intertwining allows an outside entity to "eavesdrop" on your use of this product? I'd say that's a pretty significant risk which is not addressed here. Legally, shouldn't they advise the end-users of this possibility?
One more drink, and I'll move on. --Dave Matthews Band
I had to read this so don't scorn me
Note on Java Support. The OS Components may contain support for programs written in Java. Java technology is not fault tolerant and is not designed, manufactured, or intended for use or resale as on-line control equipment in hazardous environments requiring fail-safe performance, such as in the operation of nuclear facilities, aircraft navigation or communication systems, air traffic control, direct life support machines, or weapons systems, in which the failure of Java technology could lead directly to death, personal injury, or severe physical or environmental damage. Sun Microsystems, Inc. has contractually obligated Microsoft to make this disclaimer.
Heheh.
-[ World domination - rains.net ]-
Point 15 of the precautions in the manual warns you "Not to place a great burden on, or step on, the unit".
;-)
:-(
I guess that nullifies my idea of getting 1000 of these and replacing the stairs to the basement with them...
Another manual for an "Expert Color" 4 MB ATI video card mentions:
"We will not be held responsible any mistakes in this manual".
It took me two times to realize they forgot "for" before any in the above sentence.
And, outside of warnings and mistakes in manuals, here's a name of a product I bought the other day:
Ether-H8+
Doesn't that belong on the license plate of a token ring lover? (It's an 8 port hub, with a BNC jack).
Or, another good one:
My 16 or so year old Zenith VR1820 model VCR (which still works! without a professional head cleaning! WOW!) came with an instructional videocassette. A list of chapters on the videocassette (I still have it! Funny what people wore then.):
#1. How to use this video guide
#2. Getting ready to use your VCR
#3. Playing a videocassette
#4. Getting the TV picture
#5. Hooking up your antenna or cable TV
#6. Operating the Tune
#7. Recording TV Programs
#8. Automatic Timer Recording
#9. Recording Stereo Audio
#10. Coming Attractions
Ok... lets see:
#1. You are already watching it, and you need help? What, are you stupid? Do what the guy says!
#2. Uhhhh, ok. I think we've already passed this if we're watching the tape.
#3. Must I even say why this isn't needed?
#4. I guess if the instructions were more vocal than the guy pointing at stuff, this might actually help...
The rest actually have a good purpose being included. Ah well, can't win 'em all.
I've just gotta buy some more Chinese/Japanese products. Nothing beats reading the manuals for laughs. And it's not just limited to cheap junk, either. My Sony DVD player has a "Japanenglish" manual...
What about those disclaimers that PHB's like to put on the bottom of their email
"You're not supposed to read this email even though my broken Exchange server sent it to you marked urgent, so you'd better send it right back without even THINKING about reading it"
Does it really have any legal meaning at all ? Or is just the pointless posturing of someone who's read too much media hype ?
"This is a work of fiction. Any relation to any persons, places, or things, living or dead, is purely coincidental and unintentional." - Paraphrased standard movie disclaimer.
You're right. In fact, several of these warnings have been on our website for three or four years now. They're definitely not new.
"Prejudice is wrong; you should hate everyone the same."
What is so bad about a jackass?
Isn't that an animal like a donkey?
They are stubborn and carry alot of
weight for weak humans. If they
don not want to walk a path they
stop and only by hurtng them you
might get them to move. And no
I do not write prose in german.
I am a little man aspiring to
be an artist. But then again they
didn't let me into arts school so
I'll go for politics and after that
world domination. And since christian
faith does not bother me i even
reply to ACs like you. Let me guess
your next reply:
"You just like really have to not
be a total like jackass" No worries
name calling broadens my frogsmile
even more.
If you've ever seen large buckets that you can buy lots of flour in, etc... Most of them have a warning: ATTENTION: Children can drown inside bucket Although I was never sure if this was perhaps a selling point/advertisement for the buckets...
On a porn film:
WARNING: This program may cause blindless.
WARNING: This program may cause hairy palms.
WARNING: This program may cause acne.
(insert all other 'warnings' about choking the chicken)
I must admit, I was quite surprised to see this here. I`ve had the right-hand-side on my website for several years now. (Yes, I don`t change it that often. So what?)
This reminds me of the new Lifesavers commercial where they warn that their pineapple flavored Lifesaver is not Y2K compliant. They're running a promotion where they want people to vote on a Y2K compliant flavor to replace pineapple come January 1st.
-----
Free P2P Backup, Windows & Linux
The Journal of Irreproduceable Results, from whence this originally came, is well worth a look. It seems to be down though: anyone know anything about it?
It's happy, it's fun, it's happy fun ball!!! . . . If ruptured happy fun ball should not be touched, inhaled or looked at. Do not taunt happy fun ball.
The best way to accelerate a windows box is at 9.8 meters per second square.
Here I am one day, just surfing through /., and I come across an URL that looks terribly familiar. Wait a minute! That's my vanity domain! Look at all those hits!
/. as an advertisement, please note that it is a vanity domain: "No product" plus "product disclaimers" equals "humor".
Folks, I've had that page up for years. What you're all griping about is a throwaway page. Yes, it's now properly attributed at the bottom. Heck, I'll probably add in some of your suggestions when I get a chance.
As for the AC who calls each article on
By the way, there are a lot of you out there. I'll be very relieved when this has passed...
Earlier this year my wife bought a breast pump so that we could store mothers milk in the freezer for when we wanted to go out and had a baby sitter. On the box was the enlightenong text "Ideal for mothers" I mean whoe else would want to use it...wait.. don't answer that
When the first bags of the new WOW chips came out they said this "Warning adnormal sippage my occur."
Good thing they came up with Olestra!
InIt_0
If you watch CNBC (i.e. have no life, or are paranoid that your RHAT is going the way of Montgomery Ward stock) you may have seen the ad for MyTrack (YADB). Their tagline is "Trade like a pro." The disclaimer is "'Trade like a pro' does not imply that there are no differences between an investor using MyTrack and a professional investor."
But the commercial is kinda cute. ("His fish are named Dow and Jones... He rides the bull, he pets his cat.")
My Blog. Sela Ward can sell me long distanc
I tried to read that when studying philosophy, actually. But then you find in his introduction .o.
where he got his Inspiration from: David Hume.
And that guy really wrote some amazing things
about Experience and how it furthers personal
knowledge and the sciences.
And thanx for calling me a jackass - but i
knew that too allready IA IA HA HA
There are more actual disclaimers at the Rinkworks site .
Also check out the employee reviews and the computer stupidities pages.
You just have to not be a jackass
I saw this one the other night on a commercial for Saturn automobiles. The ad features testimony from a Saturn owner who was involved in an accident with a truck, but 'thanks to the superior safety features of his Saturn', he was able to walk away unscathed.
Meanwhile, the Saturn legal department added this disclaimer in the corner of the screen:
"Actual crash results may vary."
This software is constructed of digital bits (states 1,0). Bits are colorless odorless, weightless and require no measurable space. The bits in this software are identical to bits in all other software. HiP
I have actually seen these disclamers in a real
catalog for real products. One year the Tripplette fencing equiptment catalog had most of these disclaimers. This catalog also had a bag that was described as being as tough as Dean Martin's liver.
Has anyone seen that Toyota (i think) commercial where the guy slides on a water slide and the (rather long) small print says that water slides are dangerous for adults? Or the Burger King commercials where the claim to be the nations favorite burgers (or something like that) and the small print says: according to preference. Or my favorite, the antacid add where they say you can take the drug (pepsid AC - I think) 1/2 hour before but the other (Zantac - I think) has to be taken 1 hour before and the small print says: according to the labeling. In other words they're probably similar drugs.
-- Moondog
At the bottom of my page I've got this:
All rights reserved. No use may be made of any original materials from this site without permission. Legal Restrictions may apply. Offer void where prohibited by secular or holy law. Sales Tax may be required in some states (Confusion, Intoxication, and Shock specifically exhibited). Contents may settle during shipment and/or prior to depositions. Flammable when wet. Proprietors and staff not responsible for loss of composure, illusions, virginity, or any other artifact or item tangible or otherwise. Prosecutors will be violated.
Ever want to bake cookies based off of U.S. military standards?
/.'ed. If anyone wants to post it, let me know.
For those of you who have access to a standards database check out MIL-C-44072C. The title is "Military Specification: Cookies, Oatmeal and Brownies, Chocolate Covered".
I have a pdf file if anyone is interested. I don't want to put it up on my web page for fear of being
This document is 23 pages and discusses (in government detail) all of the ingredients, baking procedures, and possible shipping methods. If you want to bake, bake with this government recipe.
Just so you know: "This specification is approved for use by all Departments and Agencies of the Department of Defense". So the usual disclaimer probably applies: Use at your own risk.
~afniv
"Man könnte froh sein, wenn die Luft so rein wäre wie das Bier"
~afniv
"Man könnte froh sein, wenn die Luft so rein wäre wie das Bier"
Richard von Weizs
*NOTE*
Check contents of package before accepting. Contents may not exist.
I've recently put up a Microsoft bashing website and I'm a little worried they might have a sense of humour failure. Anyone know of a decent "I didn't mean it, it's all just a joke" type disclaimer that I can use? Either post or email me if you want to know more.
However, they split it in a humourous manner. I only saw the latter half which read,
"contents may have occurred during shipping and handling.
I thought, what do they do, ship it empty and hope that via quantum tunneling the product comes into existence?
--Jamin Philip Gray
jamin@DoLinux.org
Celebrate the finer things in life
that I would have expected to see here: WARNING: Use of this product will contribute to the heat death of the universe.
Oh, and I have to give that disclaimer a big WOW.
So I don't understand why it was moderated down.
The site says it was ripped off, and it's not exactly newsworthy. So I can't for the life of me wonder it was posted.
anyway it will properly be reported on another 3 times in the next few months (ok, well that sentance was flamebait'ish).
I would like to know why this got reported on? The web site is stolen from elsewhere and there is actually nothing on intrest on it.
/. is starting to slip.
I'm not looking for rabid flames, just curious that's all.
Anarchy Rules!!! (oh well, nobody ever said wrestling was for the (for lack of a better word) more educated population....we have chess)
Maybe not a disclaimer, but still funny.
That's my $(2^4*3+1/7%3*2/100)
--Justin Mitchell
"2nd Place is a fancy word for losing" --Bender (Futurama)
As a smoker, I buy a lot of lighters. On about every lighter I buy is a silly warning on an adhesive label stuck on it saying "Keep product away from flame". Now how can you use a lighter while keeping it away from flame? Isn't the purpose of a lighter to produce a flame? Wouldn't the flame it produces be close to the product?
The only other label that drives me nuts are the expiration dates on bottles of water. Shouldn't water have an infinite shelf life? I mean, geez, isn't the water I am drinking now been around long before man evolved from monkeys and other stupid lower mammals? If it has been good for last two billion or so years, why is it going to go bad in 2001?
Lawyers -- can't live with them, can't take a shotgun after them...
articles are ribbed for your pleasure; possible penalties for early withdrawal;
kinda go together actually.
<FAUX-HTML>
<BOLD>Because I can.</BOLD>
</FAUX-HTML>
Chuck
QA, Shitsume Corp. -- (speaking of disclaimers!)
try { do() || do_not(); } catch (JediException err) { yoda(err); }
Please Note:
Some quantum theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist.
Now I know why my socks disappear when I put them in the dryer
I saw some ad on tv just recently which I think is for a sports channel or something sports-related but anyway, the gist of it is, a couple is in a store looking for the perfect color paint, which of course leads you to believe you are watching a commercial about paint. But no. When they find the right shade they've been seeking, the final shot of the ad shows them at a football game or something with thier faces painted the colors of thier teams.
And at the bottom of the screen in fine print: "Do not paint your face with house paint."
But! But! They just did it!
::: jane