Even if you run... I will find you
I decided I want you
Now I know.... I need
If you can't be bought, tougher then I thought
Keep in mind - I am with you
Never left out fate, can't concentrate
Even if you run...
You will be mine!
Ah, fucking you will be mine!
Ah, fucking you will be mine!
Ah, fucking you will be mine!
I found you
Leanin' out of an open window
You laughed, our fingers clenched
Too perfect, far too careless
I couldn't help myself - I just took you
Damnit man I knew it was a mistake
Better make yourself at home
You're here to stay
You won't bother me... if you let me bother you
All the doors are locked, all the windows shut
Keep in mind... I watch you
Never leave my side, never leave me, fucker
Even if you run
What the fuck is different?
Man, I can't believe I'm doin this
I'm cold, I'm ugly
I'm always confused by everything
I can stare into a thousand eyes
But every smile hides a bold-faced lie
It itches, it seethes, it festers and breathes
My heros are dead, they dies in my head
Thin out the heard, squeeze out the pain
Something inside me has opened up agian
Thoughts of me exemplified
All the little flaws I have denied
Forget today, forget whatever happened
Everyday i see a little more of overall deficiencies
I'm nothing short of being one complete catastrophe
What the hell - did I - do to deserve - all of this?
I save all the bullets from ignorant minds
Your insults get stuck in my teeth as they grind
Way past good taste, on our way to bad omens
I decrese, while my symptoms increase
God what the fuck is wrong
You act like you knew it all along
Your timing sucks, your silence is a blessing
All I ever wanted out of you was
Something you could never be
Now take a real good look at
What you've fucking done to me
Gimme any reason why I'd need you, boy
Gimme any reason not to fuck you up
Gimme any reason why I'd need you, bitch
Gimme any reason not to fuck you up
I see you in me
I keep my scars from prying eyes
Incapable of ever knowing why
Somebody breathe, I've got to have an answer
Why am I so fascinated by
Bigger pictures, better things
But I don't care what you think
You'll never understand me
My freedom is best
Whole country's on house arrest
And evryone's a suspect
You can't feel the flow because you died
Face down on a suicide
The motherfucker's on self-destruct
Nobody guardin' your back, its all a front
Save this! My rage is bliss!
I'm takin names and gettin' pissed!
Where's Chuck D when ya need him?
You ain't shit, just a puddle on the bed spread
The maniac psycho
Cool J screamed the shit but I still can't believe it!
Man, its funny that you scare me so
Just enough to fuck me up again and again
Hard life is hard as hell
Better back the fuck on up
Cuz this is...
No kind of life! This is no kind of life!
I've got to get out
It's no kind of life! This is no kind of life!
You can't blame me
Can't be real no more - your mask is skin and bone
Savor every flavor you got cuz its not your own
Bad-ass bat, man
Forget about the battle, its the war we gotta win
Breathe! Amer-cult, Breathe! One more - seethe!
Freak like you gotta pair
Won't be my fault
When you're painted in the corner of a no-good life
This is...
I can't remember, I don't understand
Is it malice that makes you this way?
Carry it with you 'til someone forgives you
I laugh cuz theres nothing to say
You can't begin to consider the
Palpable hate in the air when you're here
None of use wonder what weather you're under
Youre making it perfectly clear
Lights ain't on - shit ain't right
Never had peace but I gotta fight
Can you look in my eyes when my back's against the wall
Slash at my eyes, surprise, you'll never get me
You're all reality and sound bites
And the freedom is never in plain sight
The feelings, the question, the price is too human for fucking sake
Insane - am I the only motherfucker with a brain?
I'm hearing voices, but all they do is complain
How many time have you wanted to kill
Everything and everyone - say you'll do it but never will
You can't see California without Marlon Brando's eyes
I am my father son
Cuz hes a phantom, a mystery, and that leaves me nothing!
How many time hace you wanted to die?
Its too late for me - all you have to do is get rid of me
Its all in your head
Its all in my head
Its all in my head
I tried - you lied to me for so long..
Everywhere I go, there's a sense of it
Freak on my antics and give me a choice
Doesn't matter if I give a shit - its the shit that you gave me
Do you wanna feel pain? Takin' my name in vain
Caring never felt so lame inside
Anybody else got pride? Do you wanna take my life?
Maybe I'll reverse my ride
Who the fuck are you? Fuck you!
Better suck it up cuz you bled through
Better get away from me
Stay the fuck away from me
I've felt the hate rise up in me...
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves...
I wander out where you can't see...
Inside my shell, i wait and bleed...
I wipe it off the tile, the light is brighter this time
Everything is 3D blasphemy
My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up
This is not the way I pictured me
I can't control my shakes, how the hell did I get here?
Something about this, so very wrong...
I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn't like this
Is it a dream or a memory?
Get outta my head cuz I don't need this
Why didn't I see this?
I'm a victim - Manchurian candidate
I have sinned by just
Makin' my mind up and takin' your breath away
You haven't learned a thing
I haven't changed a thing
My flesh was in my bones
The pain was always free
And it waits for you!
Merry Surfacing from Slipknot:
on
Merry Christmas
·
· Score: -1
Running out of ways to run
I can't see, I can't be
Over and over and under my skin
All this attention is doing me in
Fuck it all! Fuck this world!
Fuck everything that you stand for!
Don't belong! Don't exist!
Don't give a shit!
Don't ever judge me!
Picking through the parts exposed
Taking shape, taking shag
Over and over and under my skin
All this momentum is doing me in!
You got all my love, livin' in your own hate
Drippin' hole man, hard step, no fate
Showin' you nothing, but I ain't holdin' back
Every damn word I say is a sneak attack
When I get my hands on you
Ain't a fucking thing you can do
Get this cuz you're never gonna get me
I am the very disease you pretend to be
Quit snickering! Figuring out the gender of a hamster, guinea pig, or other
small mammal who comes into your shelter is no laughing matter. After all, if
your little tenants get busy lovin', it can result in even more unwanted small
pets, and pretty soon your shelter will look like a Little-Critter Free-Love
Commune. When examining creatures this small, it's all in the details. Read on
to find out how you can easily tell the boys from the girls.
1. Determining Gerbil Gender
You can sex a gerbil starting at the age of four to six weeks by peering at the
animal's underside. To minimize stress on the animal and also make handling
easier, place the gerbil in a large clear box to search for a pair of large
testicles; if you spot them, you've got your answer to the gender question.
Since the sexual and urinary openings of female gerbils is much less obvious to
the naked eye, it helps to look for small nipples on the underside. Still
stumped? The distance between sexual and anal organs is longer on the male than
it is on the female.
2. Holding Off Hamster Hanky-Panky
Using the clear box trick, look for large testicles on the underside of the
hamster. In males, there will also be a bigger gap between the urinary and anal
openings. The perineal area (or the area between the genitals and the anus)
comes to a point at the base of the tail in females, but this area looks more
rounded in males.
3. Is This Mickey or Minnie Mouse?
As with the other small mammals, the distance between the anus and genitals of
mice is longer in males. In addition to the closer spacing, female mice have a
small teardrop-shaped vagina extending down from the anus. Both openings are
very close together and appear to be connected. Female mice also have two rows
of nipples running vertically down their bellies.
4. Playing Rat Roulette
Since you don't want to say, "Oh, rats," after making a mistake in gender
distinction, remember that male rats have a stronger odor than female rats. As
with other rodents, male rats have a greater distance between sexual and anal
openings, and their testicles are no shrinking violets.
5. No Guinea Pig Guessing
Male guinea pigs have obvious scrotal pouches and large testes. The sexual
organ of a male guinea pig will look more like a belly button right above the
anal opening. Very little space separates these parts; if you are looking at a
young guinea pig, gentle manual pressure can help you distinguish between them.
The organs of female guinea pigs are also close together and look something like
the letter "Y"; this Y-shaped depression can be seen even in immature females.
6. Making Rabbit Rulings
Figuring out the sex of young rabbits can be tricky, but it gets a little
easier as they mature to about 10 weeks old or so. Put your hand under the
rabbit and feel around for furry testicles; keep in mind that testicles in
rabbits move freely from the scrotum to the abdomen. On male rabbits, you will
also see a tubular protrusion, whereas the female reproductive area will simply
look more like a slit even when pressure is applied.
Quit snickering! Figuring out the gender of a hamster, guinea pig, or other
small mammal who comes into your shelter is no laughing matter. After all, if
your little tenants get busy lovin', it can result in even more unwanted small
pets, and pretty soon your shelter will look like a Little-Critter Free-Love
Commune. When examining creatures this small, it's all in the details. Read on
to find out how you can easily tell the boys from the girls.
1. Determining Gerbil Gender
You can sex a gerbil starting at the age of four to six weeks by peering at the
animal's underside. To minimize stress on the animal and also make handling
easier, place the gerbil in a large clear box to search for a pair of large
testicles; if you spot them, you've got your answer to the gender question.
Since the sexual and urinary openings of female gerbils is much less obvious to
the naked eye, it helps to look for small nipples on the underside. Still
stumped? The distance between sexual and anal organs is longer on the male than
it is on the female.
2. Holding Off Hamster Hanky-Panky
Using the clear box trick, look for large testicles on the underside of the
hamster. In males, there will also be a bigger gap between the urinary and anal
openings. The perineal area (or the area between the genitals and the anus)
comes to a point at the base of the tail in females, but this area looks more
rounded in males.
3. Is This Mickey or Minnie Mouse?
As with the other small mammals, the distance between the anus and genitals of
mice is longer in males. In addition to the closer spacing, female mice have a
small teardrop-shaped vagina extending down from the anus. Both openings are
very close together and appear to be connected. Female mice also have two rows
of nipples running vertically down their bellies.
4. Playing Rat Roulette
Since you don't want to say, "Oh, rats," after making a mistake in gender
distinction, remember that male rats have a stronger odor than female rats. As
with other rodents, male rats have a greater distance between sexual and anal
openings, and their testicles are no shrinking violets.
5. No Guinea Pig Guessing
Male guinea pigs have obvious scrotal pouches and large testes. The sexual
organ of a male guinea pig will look more like a belly button right above the
anal opening. Very little space separates these parts; if you are looking at a
young guinea pig, gentle manual pressure can help you distinguish between them.
The organs of female guinea pigs are also close together and look something like
the letter "Y"; this Y-shaped depression can be seen even in immature females.
6. Making Rabbit Rulings
Figuring out the sex of young rabbits can be tricky, but it gets a little
easier as they mature to about 10 weeks old or so. Put your hand under the
rabbit and feel around for furry testicles; keep in mind that testicles in
rabbits move freely from the scrotum to the abdomen. On male rabbits, you will
also see a tubular protrusion, whereas the female reproductive area will simply
look more like a slit even when pressure is applied.
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Quit snickering! Figuring out the gender of a hamster, guinea pig, or other
small mammal who comes into your shelter is no laughing matter. After all, if
your little tenants get busy lovin', it can result in even more unwanted small
pets, and pretty soon your shelter will look like a Little-Critter Free-Love
Commune. When examining creatures this small, it's all in the details. Read on
to find out how you can easily tell the boys from the girls.
1. Determining Gerbil Gender You can sex a gerbil starting at the
age of four to six weeks by peering at the animal's underside. To minimize
stress on the animal and also make handling easier, place the gerbil in a large
clear box to search for a pair of large testicles; if you spot them, you've got
your answer to the gender question. Since the sexual and urinary openings of
female gerbils is much less obvious to the naked eye, it helps to look for small
nipples on the underside. Still stumped? The distance between sexual and anal
organs is longer on the male than it is on the female.
2. Holding Off Hamster Hanky-Panky Using the clear box trick,
look for large testicles on the underside of the hamster. In males, there will
also be a bigger gap between the urinary and anal openings. The perineal area
(or the area between the genitals and the anus) comes to a point at the base of
the tail in females, but this area looks more rounded in males.
3. Is This Mickey or Minnie Mouse? As with the other small
mammals, the distance between the anus and genitals of mice is longer in males.
In addition to the closer spacing, female mice have a small teardrop-shaped
vagina extending down from the anus. Both openings are very close together and
appear to be connected. Female mice also have two rows of nipples running
vertically down their bellies.
4. Playing Rat Roulette Since you don't want to say, "Oh, rats,"
after making a mistake in gender distinction, remember that male rats have a
stronger odor than female rats. As with other rodents, male rats have a greater
distance between sexual and anal openings, and their testicles are no shrinking
violets.
5. No Guinea Pig Guessing Male guinea pigs have obvious scrotal
pouches and large testes. The sexual organ of a male guinea pig will look more
like a belly button right above the anal opening. Very little space separates
these parts; if you are looking at a young guinea pig, gentle manual pressure
can help you distinguish between them. The organs of female guinea pigs are also
close together and look something like the letter "Y"; this Y-shaped depression
can be seen even in immature females.
6. Making Rabbit Rulings Figuring out the sex of young rabbits
can be tricky, but it gets a little easier as they mature to about 10 weeks old
or so. Put your hand under the rabbit and feel around for furry testicles; keep
in mind that testicles in rabbits move freely from the scrotum to the abdomen.
On male rabbits, you will also see a tubular protrusion, whereas the female
reproductive area will simply look more like a slit even when pressure is
applied.
Posted by chrisd [dibona.com] on
Tuesday December 11, @08:22PM from the
no-mention-of-peg-legs-and-eye-patches dept. akiaki007 [mailto] was among many who
wrote in to say: "Check out this article
[nytimes.com] on the New York Times
[nytimes.com] (free reg, blah blah) site. The CmdrTaco have raided 27 cities in
21 states. Raid sites include MIT [mit.edu],
UCLA [ucla.edu], Purdue [purdue.edu], Duke [duke.edu], UofO, all hot-beds of young
tender assholes. Their main target was the group DrinkOrDie
[google.com], an asshole appreciation club. 'This is a new frontier for crime,'
Kenneth W. Dam, deputy secretary of the Treasury, said at a news briefing. 'The
costs are enormous to both industry and consumers.' I better hide my asshole.
They might think it's some weird fucking tool."
The following text contains descriptions of
erotic acts with plush stuffed animals ('plushies'). If you are a minor, or if
you believe you may be offended by descriptions of eroticism with plush stuffed
animals, please stop reading this text now.
Welcome to alt.sex.plushies!
alt.sex.plushies Frequently Asked Questions Version 3.1
(last
revised 30 November 1999)
Table Of Contents:
1) What is
'alt.sex.plushies'? 2) What is a 'plushie'? What is a 'plushophile'?
3) What is a 'fursuit'? 4) What kinds of subjects are discussed on
alt.sex.plushies? 5) How do people really feel about their plush
companions? 6) Why be intimate with plushies instead of with people?
7) Just what exactly do people do with plushies, anyway? 8) I think I'd
like to explore this. How should I begin? 9) Am I welcome here if I like
plushies but don't have sex with them? 10) Why is there so little traffic on
this newsgroup? 11) What other plushie newsgroups are on the net? 12)
Are there any plushie web sites I can browse? 13) Are there fursuit web
sites I can browse, too? 14) I've seen some unusual terms used here. What do
they all mean? 15) What is the 'Plush Code'? 16) How can I clean a
plushie? 17) How can I modify a plushie? 18) Where can I buy plushies on
the net?
1) What is 'alt.sex.plushies'?
'alt.sex.plushies' is a
newsgroup for adults who have special personal feelings for plush stuffed
animals (and plush puppets, too). It's also a place where people talk about
'fursuits'. alt.sex.plushies was newgrouped on August 9, 1994.
2)
What is a 'plushie'? What is a 'plushophile'?
A 'plushie' is a plush
stuffed animal, like a teddy bear. 'Plushie' is also sometimes used as a
short form for 'plushophile': an adult who loves or is otherwise attracted
to stuffed animals.
3) What is a 'fursuit'?
This is a full-body
costume that makes the wearer look like a favorite animal, or an animal
character. Costumes like this are commonly seen being worn by staff members
at amusement parks dressing up as popular cartoon characters. They're also
seen at sporting events where the team has a mascot in a costume. Since a
person in a fursuit looks (and feels) a lot like a 'living plushie', such
costumes are understandably popular with some plushophiles. Several of us
here have made or bought our own animal costumes.
4) What kinds of
subjects are discussed on alt.sex.plushies?
Many people assume that the
group is just for talking about sex, sexual techniques, and ways to modify
plushies to use them for sex. While these subjects certainly all come up,
they are far from the only things that are discussed here. Some other topics
that arise are what kinds of plushies people have, what they look like,
where to buy them, how to make fursuits and other kinds of costumes, what
kind of plushie gatherings are coming up, and just plain conversation
between friends. alt.sex.plushies is a small, friendly group, and nobody
minds if a discussion drifts a bit away from the subject of plushies now and
then. About the only things that are unwelcome are binary posts, and the
SPAM advertisements that flood the whole alt.sex.* hierarchy.
5) How
do people really feel about their plush companions?
While most
plushophiles probably feel at least some degree of affection for their
plushies, the ways they express it depend on the individual. Some may view
their plushies as just sex toys, while other plushophiles love, even
venerate their stuffed animals.
6) Why be intimate with plushies instead
of with people?
You don't have to choose between one or the other - you
can have both plush and human partners at the same time - but the great
thing about stuffed animals is that they can always be there for you,
whenever you feel the need for intimacy. People can be 'too busy', 'too
tired' or 'have a headache', but a plushie will never say 'No!' when you
crave closeness. Stuffed animals can be truly ideal companions. No plush
partner will ever break your heart, give you a disease, or hurt you in
any way. Plushies can bring pure, unfettered happiness into your life,
and if you're open to it, wonderful sensual experiences, as well.
7)
Just what exactly do people do with plushies, anyway?
Probably the most
common thing plushophiles do with their plushies is to simply cuddle them.
Many of us sleep with our stuffed animals, as well. Concerning plush sex,
two common methods are to hug a plushie while pleasuring oneself, and to rub
against the fur of the plushie until achieving orgasm. Some people modify
their plushies to form a space for penetration. This can be as simple as an
opened seam, or a more elaborate insert can be constructed. People can also
modify a plushie with a penis-like attachment. Some plushophiles have such
strong feelings for plushies that they can make themselves peak just by
looking at one, or just sniffing its scent. Many other fetishes can easily
be combined with plush sex, as well. Also, you can involve human partners
with plush. Rubbing a plushie against a sex partner's body is nice, as is
'sandwiching' a partner's body between yours and a large plushie (or
sandwiching the plushie), or frolicking with your partner in a big pile of
plush. The potential ways to use plushies are really limited solely by the
imagination. Indulge freely in your fancies!
8) I think I'd like to
explore this. How should I begin?
First and most importantly, find a
stuffed animal that appeals to you in a very personal way. It may take time,
but eventually you'll find one that's irresistible. If you currently have a
stuffed animal that you've got special feelings for, chances are you've
already expressed those emotions in some intimate manner. In general,
probably the best way to learn about plush love is to take your special
plushie to bed with you, and just cuddle at first. That might be as far as
you want to go, but if the sensations of softness, warmth and closeness
bring on arousal, simply follow your instincts. You'll find that plushies
make very nice love partners. They will gladly do anything you want and
any time you feel like it, so you can totally set your own pace. Just start
with cuddling, and sleeping with your special plushie(s), and in time, you
will learn all the Joys Of Plush(tm) for yourself.
9) Am I welcome here
if I like plushies but don't have sex with them?
Certainly! Many of the
posters here collect plushies for their appearance, because they love
animals, or various other non-sexual reasons. There are plenty of things
plush collectors can and do discuss here, whether they are into sexual uses
for plushies or not. Please feel free to join such discussions or start new
ones, and just skip over any other topics that don't interest you. You'll
find that the majority of discussions here are actually not sexual, only a
minority of them are.
10) Why is there so little traffic on this
newsgroup?
A lot of people stopped posting to alt.sex.plushies when the
SPAM advertisements flooded the group. a.s.p isn't completely dead, though.
Many of us still monitor the group for on-topic posts, and newcomers are
always welcome. Don't let the SPAM discourage you from joining us! If you do
post to a.s.p, though, *make sure* your Subject: line starts with a tag like
'PLUSH:'. Most of us have filters that kill posts whose Subject: line
doesn't contain the word 'plush' or 'plushies'.
11) What other plushie
newsgroups are on the net?
These Usenet newsgroups are devoted to
stuffed animals, too: alt.fan.plushies alt.collecting.teddy-bears
alt.collecting.beanie-babies alt.collecting.beanie-babies.forsale
alt.collecting.beanie-babies.uk
Plushie pictures can be posted to:
alt.binaries.pictures.plushies alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.plushies
alt.binaries.erotica.beanie-babies
Also, 'alt.lifestyle.furry' is a
'furry' newsgroup where plushophilia is on-topic, and 'de.alt.fan.pluesch'
is a German plushie NG.
12) Are there any plushie web sites I can
browse?
Of course! Here are a few for starters:
FoxWolfie
Galen's Furry Plushie Page http://velocity.net/~galen/ (Established in
April 1994 - probably the first adult plushie page)
Plush Central
http://www.personal.isat.com/captpackrat/plush/ (Home of the
plushieRing)
W e bKitty's Plushies Page
http://www2.hawaii.edu/~mivillan/plushies.html (Discover 25 reasons why
stuffed animals are better than men!)
BlayZe BrightScale's Page
http://come.to/blayze/
>From any of these sites, you can follow
the 'PlushieRing' to a number of other plush-lovers' webpages.
'Plushie Fandom!' is a message board and chat forum for plushophiles
on the World Wide Web. Come join us at:
http://www.delphi.com/plushie_fandom
13) Are there fursuit web sites
I can browse, too?
One of the most comprehensive webpages on fursuits is
at: http://www.best.com/~nico/fursuit.cgi There you will find links to
many other fursuit-related webpages.
14) I've seen some unusual terms
used here. What do they all mean?
We plushies have come up with a lot of
unique jargon over the years. You can look up the meaning of just about any
word or abbreviation we use at: http://velocity.net/~galen/plushlex.txt
15) What is the 'Plush Code'?
It's a categorical code of letters
and symbols that's used to summarize ones personal plush preferences. The
key to translate someone's Plush Code can be found at:
http://velocity.net/~galen/plushcod.txt
16) How can I clean a
plushie?
This subject is worthy of a FAQ by itself. It's a complex
question, not only because many stuffed animals have individual qualities
that require different approaches to cleaning, but also because it seems
most of us have different ideas about how to clean our plush friends. As
for myself, I think the best way to keep a stuffed animal clean is to try
not to get it dirty in the first place. Most importantly, I always make sure
*I* am clean before I handle or snuggle my plushies, because inevitably,
whatever grime is on my hands, clothes, or body is going to end up in my
cuddlemate's plush. Dirt, dust, body oil, sweat, skin flakes, hair, lint,
even the smoky fallout from one's kitchen - all these foreign substances
will accumulate in a plushie's fur over time, and getting them out -
especially if the fur has become tangled or matted - can be a major chore.
Since most stuffed animals are 'limited editions' which years from now won't
be replaceable, keeping a favorite plushie clean is crucial to prolonging
its life.
On a week-to-week basis, the best thing to do for a
regularly-cuddled plushie is to give it a good thorough combing. This will
minimize the tendency for the fur to get tangled and matted. Plush that you
have around the house just for display purposes should be combed at least
once monthly to get the dust out of their fur. Make sure to use a comb
that is dedicated solely for the purpose of grooming your plushies,
though. Anything that is on a comb will work its way into a plushie's
fur, too, and you definitely don't want to get scalp oils, dander, or
the residue of styling gunk embedded into a stuffed animal's plush.
For simple clean-ups, there is an excellent commercial product called
'Bubble G u n d' that works wonders on plush that is moderately soiled.
Spray lightly onto the soiled area, rub it into the plush with a clean
dry towel, let it dry thoroughly, then buff the fur briskly with another
clean dry towel. The results are usually quite pleasing.
Sometimes,
however, radical surgery is required to clean a seriously dirty plushie.
This should only be done, though, if you're skilled in the art of sewing.
Undo enough of the seams to completely remove the stuffing, then hand-wash
the plush 'skin' in a dilute solution of a mild detergent like Woolite.
After you're done with the hand-washing, dry the fur by hand, as well.
Re-stuff the plushie using only fresh new Poly-fil (available at most arts
and crafts stores), and re-sew.
Be aware that semen or vaginal fluid can
mar plush fur if it's left to dry untreated. If this concerns you, be sure
to comb and dry the fur thoroughly right after sex, and untangle all the
stuck-together plush. If the sexual fluid has already dried, re-moisten it
with a damp cloth, and then untangle the plush.
Whatever method you
choose to clean a plushie, try to avoid soaking the inner stuffing. Some
stuffed animals are indeed made to be machine washable, but most are not,
and getting the stuffing wet will at best make a plushie undesirably lumpy
inside, and at worst, ruin it by encouraging the internal growth of mold and
mildew rot.
17) How can I modify a plushie?
As alluded to above,
there are two principal ways people may modify plushies for sex. One is to
form a space for penetration. This type of modification is called a
'strategically-placed hole' (SPH). The other basic type of modification is
to give a plushie a maleness, for receptive sex, or simply for anatomical
correctness. This is called a 'strategically-placed appendage' (SPA). The
specific techniques of how to create these modifications are really beyond
the scope of this FAQ, however. If you have questions about mods, though,
post them to the group, and someone will likely know where or to whom to
direct you.
18) Where can I buy plushies on the net?
This FAQ
used to include a list of plushie resources on the Internet, but it became
too much work to keep it updated. If you'd like to view this list, go to one
of the three sites below, but bear in mind that each of the new hosts have
permission to modify the resources list as they wish, so the info available
at these sites may differ.
http://velocity.net/~galen/sources.html (or
*/sources.txt) http://www.spottycat.com/marlos/plushres.html (includes
updated info for Canadian plushie resources)
http://www.sonic.net/~maxi/plushres.txt
Quit snickering! Figuring out the gender of a hamster, guinea pig, or other
small mammal who comes into your shelter is no laughing matter. After all, if
your little tenants get busy lovin', it can result in even more unwanted small
pets, and pretty soon your shelter will look like a Little-Critter Free-Love
Commune. When examining creatures this small, it's all in the details. Read on
to find out how you can easily tell the boys from the girls.
1. Determining Gerbil Gender You can sex a gerbil
starting at the age of four to six weeks by peering at the animal's underside.
To minimize stress on the animal and also make handling easier, place the gerbil
in a large clear box to search for a pair of large testicles; if you spot them,
you've got your answer to the gender question. Since the sexual and urinary
openings of female gerbils is much less obvious to the naked eye, it helps to
look for small nipples on the underside. Still stumped? The distance between
sexual and anal organs is longer on the male than it is on the female.
2. Holding Off Hamster Hanky-Panky Using the clear box
trick, look for large testicles on the underside of the hamster. In males, there
will also be a bigger gap between the urinary and anal openings. The perineal
area (or the area between the genitals and the anus) comes to a point at the
base of the tail in females, but this area looks more rounded in males.
3. Is This Mickey or Minnie Mouse? As with the other small
mammals, the distance between the anus and genitals of mice is longer in males.
In addition to the closer spacing, female mice have a small teardrop-shaped
vagina extending down from the anus. Both openings are very close together and
appear to be connected. Female mice also have two rows of nipples running
vertically down their bellies.
4. Playing Rat Roulette Since you don't want to say, "Oh, rats,"
after making a mistake in gender distinction, remember that male rats have a
stronger odor than female rats. As with other rodents, male rats have a greater
distance between sexual and anal openings, and their testicles are no shrinking
violets.
5. No Guinea Pig Guessing Male guinea pigs have obvious scrotal pouches and large
testes. The sexual organ of a male guinea pig will look more like a belly button
right above the anal opening. Very little space separates these parts; if you
are looking at a young guinea pig, gentle manual pressure can help you
distinguish between them. The organs of female guinea pigs are also close
together and look something like the letter "Y"; this Y-shaped depression can be
seen even in immature females.
6. Making Rabbit Rulings Figuring out the sex of young rabbits can be tricky, but
it gets a little easier as they mature to about 10 weeks old or so. Put your
hand under the rabbit and feel around for furry testicles; keep in mind that
testicles in rabbits move freely from the scrotum to the abdomen. On male
rabbits, you will also see a tubular protrusion, whereas the female reproductive
area will simply look more like a slit even when pressure is applied.
Fact: Using the Bible to support any
political ideology is highly problematic.
Summary
The New Testament is
a liberal's paradise; almost every principle espoused in it is one that liberals
-- not conservatives -- espouse today. (The only exceptions are its
pronouncements on divorce, sexuality and slavery.) The Old Testament, however,
is a conservative haven, filled with pronouncements favoring war, slavery,
theocracy, monarchy, wealth accumulation, capital punishment, extreme female
submission and more. Interestingly, however, the Old Testament is sexually
permissive. Attempting to use the Bible to justify their modern beliefs
therefore poses significant challenges to Christian conservatives.
Argument
Does
the Bible really espouse conservative philosophies?
Let us briefly run
through the politics of the religious right, just so the comparison will be
fresh in our memory. Christian conservatives believe firmly in God, country and
family. Self-sufficiency and rugged individualism are highly esteemed qualities;
people should pull themselves up their own bootstraps. Becoming rich is a keen
goal and almost universally admired. Taxes are seen as a curse. Social programs
for the poor are a waste of tax-payers' money, and the sort of people on those
programs (mostly blacks) are lazy and given to crime. As for criminals, they
should feel the full force of the law. And that goes for international criminals
as well... a nation should deal with its enemies from a position of strength,
and should never be afraid to let them feel the full force of its military
might.
Were these the politics of Jesus? Let's take a look:
On defense: Jesus said "Love your enemies" and "Blessed are the
peacemakers." "If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other
also." (Matthew 5:44; 5:9; 5:39.)
On social programs: "If you
would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will
have treasure in heaven." (Matthew 19:21.)
On rugged individualism
and the pursuit of self-interest: "Love your neighbor as yourself." "So in
everything, do to others as you would have them do to you." (Matthew 22:39;
7:12.)
On financial success: "Truly, I say unto you, it will be
hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven." "You cannot serve both God
and Money." (Matthew 19:23; 6:24.)
On the philosophy that "greed is
good": "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life
does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." (Luke 12:15.)
On paying taxes: "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God
what is God's." (Matthew 22:22.)
On crime and punishment: "If any
one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." "Do
not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you
will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (John
8:7; Matthew 7:1,2.)
On climbing the social ladder: "The Son of
Man came eating and drinking, and they say, 'Behold, a glutton and a drunkard, a
friend of tax collectors and sinners!'" (Matthew 11:19.)
On
money-hungry televangelists: "In the temple courts [Jesus] found men selling
cattle, sheep and doves, and other sitting at tables exchanging money. So he
made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple area, both sheep and
cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their
tables." (John 2:14,15.)
On the free lunch: "Taking the five
loaves and two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the
loaves... The number of those who ate was about five thousand men..." (Matthew
14:19,21.)
On the perks and privileges of power: "After that,
[Jesus] poured water into a basin, and began to wash the disciples' feet, drying
them with the towel that was wrapped around him." (John 13:5.)
On
moral absolutes: "If any of you has a sheep and it falls into a pit on the
Sabbath, will you not take hold of it and lift it out?" "The Sabbath was made
for man, and not man for the Sabbath." (Matthew 12:11; Mark 2:27.)
On
family: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his
wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot
be my disciple." Also: "'Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?' Pointing to
his disciples, he said, 'Here are my mother and my brothers.'" (Luke 14:26;
Matthew 12:48,49.)
On race relations: In the parable of the Good
Samaritan, Jesus praised the morality of a hated foreigner over his own
countrymen. (Luke 10:30-37.)
On the superiority of one's native
country: "These twelve Jesus sent out with the following instructions: 'Do
not go among the Gentiles or enter any town of the Samaritans. Go rather to the
lost sheep of Israel.'" (Matthew 10:5,6.)
On letting others pull
themselves up by their own bootstraps: "But when you give a banquet, invite
the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although
they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous."
(Luke 14:13,14.)
Modern Christian conservatives may be horrified, but
there is no getting around the fact: Jesus was not just a liberal, but a
radical liberal! In fact, except for one pronouncement on divorce, there
is not one text in all four Gospels which even remotely supports or resembles
the conservative's most cherished beliefs. It is a standing challenge to the
religious right to find a list of Gospel texts, as I have provided here, which
advocates the conservative's philosophies. Not one Christian can give a single
example, because these texts do not exist.
And if anyone remains
unconvinced about the deep liberal slant of Jesus and the early Christian
Church, a review of their economic policies should remove all doubt forever. The
early Christian Church actually serves as history's second example of pure
communism! (The first was the Essenes, who wrote the Dead Sea Scrolls.) In
Paul's Christian Church, the fruits of everyone's labor went into a collective
pool, which was then divided evenly among everyone in the group. The following
passages from Acts of the Apostles are remarkable in this description:
"All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their
possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need." (Acts 2:44-45).
"All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any
of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had... There were
no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or
houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles'
feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need." (Acts 4:32,34,35)
The New Testament itself is filled with countless calls for a
redistribution of wealth from the rich to the poor. As for the rich, they are
clearly portrayed as wicked; both Jesus and his apostles condemned them in the
harshest terms possible:
"But woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort.
Woe to you who are well fed now, for you will go hungry." (Luke 6:24,25)
"Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than
for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." (Luke 18:25)
"People who
want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and
harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money
is the root of all evil." (1 Timothy 6:9,10)
"Command those who are rich
in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which
is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with
everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds,
and to be generous and willing to share." (1 Timothy 6:17,18)
"Listen,
my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world
to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who loved him?
But you have insulted the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are
they not the ones who are dragging you into court? Are they not the ones who are
slandering the noble name of him to whom you belong?" (James 2:5-7)
"Now
listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming upon
you. Your wealth has rotted, and moths have eaten your clothes. Your gold and
silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh
like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days. Look! The wages you failed
to pay the workmen who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries
of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty. You have lived on
earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourself in the day of
slaughter. You have condemned and murdered innocent men, who were not opposing
you." (James 5:1-6)
Giving to the poor was not just an act of kindness, it
was a Christian duty, and Paul ended his letters with a reminder to send money
to the poor in Jerusalem. It was this identification with the poor that led them
to attack usury, or the loaning of money for interest, in the bitterest terms,
for this was seen as exploitation of the poor. In the end, one cannot read the
New Testament and escape the conclusion that the Early Christian Church
condemned inequality of wealth as one of the greatest of human sins.
These observations are a disaster for conservatives who try to use the
Bible as moral authority for their political opinions. I have had only a few
Christians even try to defend them. I present you with the few counter-arguments
I have received:
Jesus came across as radical because he was
affecting radical change. True, but you can agree with this observation
completely and still not lose sight of the fact that the changes Jesus called
for are quite liberal by today's standards.
Jesus was simply
representing the positive side of God's message, namely, his love, mercy and
forgiveness; it was left to the apostles to describe God's judgment and wrath
against sinners. But even in the later books of the New Testament, you
cannot find support for such conservative beliefs as a strong national defense,
the superiority of one's own people, tax-cuts for the rich, the pursuit of
wealth, or the abolition of welfare programs for the poor. These ideas are still
strongly condemned. But, to be truthful, there are two issues which the apostles
later developed in the New Testament which could be construed as conservative.
The first is a profound anti-sexual theme which was not common among Israel (the
Jews were quite liberal about sex, as we shall see below); but this anti-sexual
bias ran deep throughout the Greek world of Paul's time, where Christianity was
to thrive. The second was the apostles' acceptance of slavery. I somehow doubt
Christians will be eager to use this latter example.
Times were
different in Jesus day; today we have a different economic and social
system. With this argument, conservatives abandon their source of authority.
To say that Jesus represented his own time is to say that his words do not
matter any more. It means that conservatives cannot use the Bible as the moral
authority for their modern viewpoints. They may admit that their political views
are based on their own logic and reason, but they must stop there, and cease to
claim that these views come from the New Testament, because they do not.
The Old Testament is filled with philosophies that conservatives
agree with today. This is, in fact, the most common conservative defense.
From the condemnation of homosexuals to the praise of wealth and national
defense, the Old Testament is indeed a conservative's paradise. And Jesus
himself said "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets;
I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them." (Matthew 5:17.) But this
argument fails on a single point. If the Old Testament were still valid, we
would still be obeying it. That is, Christians would still be bringing doves
into the temple for slaughter upon the altar. We would still be sinning for
planting two different crops in the same field, or wearing two different fabrics
at once. Even the least educated Christian knows that a profound difference
occurred at the cross, and that a different set of rules came into play. Those
rules can be found in the New Testament, and they are overwhelmingly liberal.
Even so, falling back on the Old Testament often backfires for Christian
Conservatives. The problem is that the Old Testament goes too far to the
right. The Old Testament was not only undemocratic, it featured a monarchy. (1
Samuel 8.) Social inequality not only existed, but was embodied in slavery. In
fact, it was legal to beat slaves so severely that they could not get up for a
day or two. (Exodus 21:21.) Children were not only expected to respect their
parents; their parents could legally kill them if they didn't. (Deuteronomy
21:18-21.) Women not only had a submissive and inferior status to men, they were
considered chattel. (Genesis 3:16, Exodus 21:7-11, Numbers 30.) God not only
ordered Israel to initiate wars of aggression, but ordered Israel to kill all
captive men and non-virgin women, and to bring the virgin women into sexual
slavery. (Deuteronomy 7:1,2, Numbers 31.) God even ordered the suckling infants
of the enemy to be massacred. (1 Samuel 15:3.)
Interestingly, there is
one area of the Old Testament that runs diametrically opposed to the
conservative's most cherished values: sexuality. Of course, many conservatives
frequently cite the Old Testament laws against incest, homosexuality and
bestiality (Leviticus 18:6,22,23). But in almost all other sexual matters, the
Old Testament is really quite permissive. There were no laws prohibiting
pre-marital and non-marital sex, and only a few stipulations to this liberty
were explicitly stated. One was that if a man seduces a virgin, he must pay a
bride-price and marry her. (Exodus 22:16.) However, the law says nothing about
non-virgins, including divorced or widowed women. Also, a wife found guilty of
adultery could be stoned to death along with her lover. (Deuteronomy 22:22.)
However, no law prevented a married man from carrying on with as many affairs as
he pleased, as long as they were not with other men's wives. For a man, divorce
was both legal and easy to obtain, if for no other reason that she displeased
him. (Deuteronomy 24:1-4.) Prostitution was illegal for Jewish women, but it was
permitted for foreigners. (Deuteronomy 23:17.) However, many Jewish women
became prostitutes as well. The practice was widely tolerated by the
authorities, and considering how many scriptural warnings were voiced against
harlots, it is clear they did a thriving business.
If Christian
conservatives find all this alarming, it gets worse. Polygamy was not only
allowed, but King Solomon's 700 wives and 300 concubines were recorded as a
matter of national pride. (1 Kings 11:3.) Concubines served the role of
secondary wives; they were often, but not necessarily, purchased servants. As
for purchased female servants, male masters were allowed to have sex with them
(Exodus 21:7-11), a practice which Christians defend by claiming that the rights
of these slaves were "well-regulated." (!) If a male soldier found a female
captive to be attractive, he could force marriage, and therefore sexual
relations, on her. (Deuteronomy 21:10-14.) In modern society, this is called
rape.
Except for a distinct misogyny and homophobia, the ancient Jews
were generally free of sexual repression. Like most cultures and religions of
the world, they celebrated heterosexual pleasure as a gift from God. This
positive view is reflected in Song of Songs, an erotic poem that even
becomes sexually explicit:
"Listen! My lover is knocking: 'Open to me, my sister, my darling...' I have
taken off my robe -- must I put it on again?... My lover thrust his hand through
the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my
lover, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the
handles of the lock, I opened for my lover..." (Song of Songs 5:2-6)
The
sexual double entendre here is obvious, and has been the source of embarrassment
and controversy to Christians for almost 2,000 years. The standard disclaimer is
that the author was really describing God's relationship to his people, a view
that even the ancient rabbinic scholars taught. But this is still an
embarrassment to the sexually repressed philosophies of Christian conservatives,
given the overtly sexual nature of the poem. What is more likely is that the
author was engaging in the sort of double entendre that often occurred in
ancient Jewish writings. Many of their stories and parables having second
meanings, just as many of their character's names are actually puns in Hebrew.
It seems that the author of the above poem was engaging in this tradition:
writing erotica under the guise of religious metaphor.
Rabbinical
scholars also taught that both men and women had a right to receive sexual
pleasure in marriage.
Jesus did not seem bent on fundamentally reforming
Jewish law and culture on sex and marriage. His only statement on the subject
was that it was wrong for a man to divorce his wife for any
reason, not just adultery. (Matthew 5:31,32, Luke 16:18). It is easy to see the
Jewish context in which Jesus was arguing, and that he was only concerned about
refining the existing law, not revolutionizing it. (However, Jesus also mentions
in Mark 10:12 that a woman cannot divorce her husband and marry another
man without committing adultery. Controversy surrounds the point of whether the
woman in this case is the initiator of divorce, or merely has been divorced.)
So where did the sexual repression of the New Testament come from? It
first surfaces in the writings of Paul, and worsens with the other apostles.
That is because these writers generally come from the Greek world, where the
anti-sexual philosophies of Greek Stoicism were dominant. Paul was born and
raised in Tarsus, an important Greek trading port which was also the birthplace
of two famous Stoic philosophers and the site of several excellent Greek
schools. Christianity failed to take root in Israel, but it flourished in the
Greco-Roman empire. As this new religion swept through that region, it absorbed
the anti-sexual tenets of Greek philosophy and then spread them wherever the
Christian empire spread, even to the shores of America. Those familiar with this
history know that it is horrific; the Church Father Origen, for example,
castrated himself in his fear that sexual temptation would deprive him of the
kingdom of heaven. And women -- the purveyors of sexual evil -- were so vilified
under Christian doctrine that the Inquisition tortured and murdered them for two
centuries as "witches". For these reasons, European and American history is
filled with a sexual repression and guilt that is unmatched anywhere in the
world.
In summary, both the Old and New Testaments offer profound
challenges to modern Christian conservatives who wish to quote the Bible as the
basis of their political beliefs.
Rectal Foreign Bodies'Rectal Foreign Bodies' -- from Surgery Magazine (1986)
Collated by Drs. David B. Busch and James R. Starling, Madison, Wis.
The surgical management of two patients presenting with incarcerated, apparently self-inserted foreign bodies is reported. The large volume of prior literature on this subject is reviewed, with tabulation of 182 previous cases by type and number of objects recovered and with a discussion of patients' age distribution, history, complications and prognosis.
Table I Previously reported recovered foreign bodies:
[ed. note: list has been appended to reflect recently found documentation.]
Object Number Recovered
Glass or ceramic Bottle or jar 31 Bottle with attached rope 1 Glass or cup12 Light bulb 7 Tube 6 Food Apple 1 Banana 2 Carrot 4 Cucumber 3 Onion 2 Parsnip 1 Plantain (with condom) 1 Potato 1 Salami 1 Turnip 1 Zucchini 2 Wooden Ax handle 1 Stick or broom handle 10 Miscellaneous or unspecified 3 Sexual Device Vibrator23* Dildo 15 Kitchen device Dull knife 1 Ice pick 1 Knife sharpener 1 Mortar pestle2 Spatula (plastic) 1 Spoon 1 Tin cup 1 Miscellaneous tools Candle 1 Curling Iron 1 Flashlight 3 Iron rod 1 Pen 2 Rubber tube 1 Screwdriver 1 Toothbrush 1 Wire spring 1 Inflated device Balloon 1 Balloon attached to cylinder 1 Condom 1 Ball Baseball 2 Tennis ball 1 Pool cue ball1 Miscellaneous containers Baby powder can 1 Candle box 1 Shampoo Bottle 1 Snuff box 1 Miscellaneous Bottle cap **1 Cattle horn 3 Chain (gold) 1 Frozen pig's tail 1 'Kangaroo tumor' # 1 Hair Mousse Cap 1 Plastic rod 1 Stone 2 Toothbrush holder 1 Toothbrush package 1 Whip handle2* Collections (one case of each) 2 Glass tubes 72 1/2 Jeweler's saw Oil can with potato stopper Piece of wood, peanut Umbrella handle and enema tubing 2 Glasses Phosphorus match ends (homicide) 402 Stones Toolbox ## 2 Bars soap Beer glass and preserving pot Lemon and cold cream jar 2 Apples Spectacles, suitcase key, tobacco pouch, and magazine total of 14 collections, with approximately 500 objects
* number may be larger (text unclear) ** cannot exclude ingestion # unique case of pedunculated perianal skin tumor habitually inserted into rectum ## inside a convict; contained saws and other items usable in escape attempts.
CASE REPORTS
Case 1. A 39-year-old married white male lawyer presented with a self- inserted perfume bottle in his rectum that he was unable to remove using various objects, including a back scratcher. He had inserted this bottle on previous occasions. Edema of the rectum and sigmoid colon precluded the successful manual removal of the object in the emergency room. A pelvic x-ray film showed the object to be lodged 12 cm proximal to the dentate line. The 3 by 17 cm object, 'Impulse Body Spray,' was removed manually after a spinal anesthetic. The patient was discharged on the second postoperative day. He refused psychologic counseling.
Case 2. A 39-year-old white male was admitted to the University Hospital psychiatric service for evaluation of a 2-week history of bloody diarrhea and auditory hallucinations. Rectal examination revealed a foreign body approximately 3 cm above the anal verge. An x- ray film showed that it was 20 cm in length. The object could not be removed by manual or endoscopic means. The patient consented to extraction of the dildo under general anesthetic. Biopsy specimens of the hemorrhagic rectal mucosa were performed and were negative on Ziehl-Neelson stains for mycobacterial or cryptosporidium infection. The patient was discharged without complications the following day.
The following text contains descriptions of erotic acts with plush stuffed animals ('plushies'). If you are a minor, or if you believe you may be offended by descriptions of eroticism with plush stuffed animals, please stop reading this text now.
Welcome to alt.sex.plushies!
alt.sex.plushies Frequently Asked Questions Version 3.1
(last revised 30 November 1999)
Table Of Contents:
1) What is 'alt.sex.plushies'?
2) What is a 'plushie'? What is a 'plushophile'?
3) What is a 'fursuit'?
4) What kinds of subjects are discussed on alt.sex.plushies?
5) How do people really feel about their plush companions?
6) Why be intimate with plushies instead of with people?
7) Just what exactly do people do with plushies, anyway?
8) I think I'd like to explore this. How should I begin?
9) Am I welcome here if I like plushies but don't have sex with them?
10) Why is there so little traffic on this newsgroup?
11) What other plushie newsgroups are on the net?
12) Are there any plushie web sites I can browse?
13) Are there fursuit web sites I can browse, too?
14) I've seen some unusual terms used here. What do they all mean?
15) What is the 'Plush Code'?
16) How can I clean a plushie?
17) How can I modify a plushie?
18) Where can I buy plushies on the net?
1) What is 'alt.sex.plushies'?
'alt.sex.plushies' is a newsgroup for adults who have special personal
feelings for plush stuffed animals (and plush puppets, too). It's
also a place where people talk about 'fursuits'. alt.sex.plushies was
newgrouped on August 9, 1994.
2) What is a 'plushie'? What is a 'plushophile'?
A 'plushie' is a plush stuffed animal, like a teddy bear. 'Plushie'
is also sometimes used as a short form for 'plushophile': an adult
who loves or is otherwise attracted to stuffed animals.
3) What is a 'fursuit'?
This is a full-body costume that makes the wearer look like a favorite
animal, or an animal character. Costumes like this are commonly seen
being worn by staff members at amusement parks dressing up as popular
cartoon characters. They're also seen at sporting events where the
team has a mascot in a costume. Since a person in a fursuit looks
(and feels) a lot like a 'living plushie', such costumes are
understandably popular with some plushophiles. Several of us here
have made or bought our own animal costumes.
4) What kinds of subjects are discussed on alt.sex.plushies?
Many people assume that the group is just for talking about sex,
sexual techniques, and ways to modify plushies to use them for sex.
While these subjects certainly all come up, they are far from the
only things that are discussed here. Some other topics that arise
are what kinds of plushies people have, what they look like, where to
buy them, how to make fursuits and other kinds of costumes, what kind
of plushie gatherings are coming up, and just plain conversation
between friends. alt.sex.plushies is a small, friendly group, and
nobody minds if a discussion drifts a bit away from the subject of
plushies now and then. About the only things that are unwelcome are
binary posts, and the SPAM advertisements that flood the whole
alt.sex.* hierarchy.
5) How do people really feel about their plush companions?
While most plushophiles probably feel at least some degree of affection
for their plushies, the ways they express it depend on the individual.
Some may view their plushies as just sex toys, while other plushophiles
love, even venerate their stuffed animals.
6) Why be intimate with plushies instead of with people?
You don't have to choose between one or the other - you can have both
plush and human partners at the same time - but the great thing about
stuffed animals is that they can always be there for you, whenever you
feel the need for intimacy. People can be 'too busy', 'too tired' or
'have a headache', but a plushie will never say 'No!' when you crave
closeness. Stuffed animals can be truly ideal companions. No plush
partner will ever break your heart, give you a disease, or hurt you in
any way. Plushies can bring pure, unfettered happiness into your life,
and if you're open to it, wonderful sensual experiences, as well.
7) Just what exactly do people do with plushies, anyway?
Probably the most common thing plushophiles do with their plushies is
to simply cuddle them. Many of us sleep with our stuffed animals, as
well. Concerning plush sex, two common methods are to hug a plushie
while pleasuring oneself, and to rub against the fur of the plushie
until achieving orgasm. Some people modify their plushies to form a
space for penetration. This can be as simple as an opened seam, or a
more elaborate insert can be constructed. People can also modify a
plushie with a penis-like attachment. Some plushophiles have such
strong feelings for plushies that they can make themselves peak just
by looking at one, or just sniffing its scent. Many other fetishes
can easily be combined with plush sex, as well. Also, you can involve
human partners with plush. Rubbing a plushie against a sex partner's
body is nice, as is 'sandwiching' a partner's body between yours and a
large plushie (or sandwiching the plushie), or frolicking with your
partner in a big pile of plush. The potential ways to use plushies
are really limited solely by the imagination. Indulge freely in your
fancies!
8) I think I'd like to explore this. How should I begin?
First and most importantly, find a stuffed animal that appeals to you
in a very personal way. It may take time, but eventually you'll find
one that's irresistible. If you currently have a stuffed animal that
you've got special feelings for, chances are you've already expressed
those emotions in some intimate manner. In general, probably the best
way to learn about plush love is to take your special plushie to bed
with you, and just cuddle at first. That might be as far as you want
to go, but if the sensations of softness, warmth and closeness bring
on arousal, simply follow your instincts. You'll find that plushies
make very nice love partners. They will gladly do anything you want
and any time you feel like it, so you can totally set your own pace.
Just start with cuddling, and sleeping with your special plushie(s),
and in time, you will learn all the Joys Of Plush(tm) for yourself.
9) Am I welcome here if I like plushies but don't have sex with them?
Certainly! Many of the posters here collect plushies for their
appearance, because they love animals, or various other non-sexual
reasons. There are plenty of things plush collectors can and do
discuss here, whether they are into sexual uses for plushies or not.
Please feel free to join such discussions or start new ones, and just
skip over any other topics that don't interest you. You'll find that
the majority of discussions here are actually not sexual, only a
minority of them are.
10) Why is there so little traffic on this newsgroup?
A lot of people stopped posting to alt.sex.plushies when the SPAM
advertisements flooded the group. a.s.p isn't completely dead, though.
Many of us still monitor the group for on-topic posts, and newcomers
are always welcome. Don't let the SPAM discourage you from joining us!
If you do post to a.s.p, though, *make sure* your Subject: line starts
with a tag like 'PLUSH:'. Most of us have filters that kill posts
whose Subject: line doesn't contain the word 'plush' or 'plushies'.
11) What other plushie newsgroups are on the net?
These Usenet newsgroups are devoted to stuffed animals, too:
alt.fan.plushies
alt.collecting.teddy-bears
alt.collecting.beanie-babies
alt.collecting.beanie-babies.forsale
alt.collecting.beanie-babies.uk
Plushie pictures can be posted to:
alt.binaries.pictures.plushies
alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.plushies
alt.binaries.erotica.beanie-babies
Also, 'alt.lifestyle.furry' is a 'furry' newsgroup where plushophilia
is on-topic, and 'de.alt.fan.pluesch' is a German plushie NG.
12) Are there any plushie web sites I can browse?
Of course! Here are a few for starters:
FoxWolfie Galen's Furry Plushie Page
http://velocity.net/~galen/
(Established in April 1994 - probably the first adult plushie page)
Plush Central
http://www.personal.isat.com/captpackrat/plush/
(Home of the plushieRing)
W e bKitty's Plushies Page
http://www2.hawaii.edu/~mivillan/plushies.html
(Discover 25 reasons why stuffed animals are better than men!)
BlayZe BrightScale's Page
http://come.to/blayze/
>From any of these sites, you can follow the 'PlushieRing' to a number
of other plush-lovers' webpages.
'Plushie Fandom!' is a message board and chat forum for plushophiles
on the World Wide Web. Come join us at:
http://www.delphi.com/plushie_fandom
13) Are there fursuit web sites I can browse, too?
One of the most comprehensive webpages on fursuits is at:
http://www.best.com/~nico/fursuit.cgi
There you will find links to many other fursuit-related webpages.
14) I've seen some unusual terms used here. What do they all mean?
We plushies have come up with a lot of unique jargon over the years.
You can look up the meaning of just about any word or abbreviation we
use at:
http://velocity.net/~galen/plushlex.txt
15) What is the 'Plush Code'?
It's a categorical code of letters and symbols that's used to summarize
ones personal plush preferences. The key to translate someone's Plush
Code can be found at:
http://velocity.net/~galen/plushcod.txt
16) How can I clean a plushie?
This subject is worthy of a FAQ by itself. It's a complex question,
not only because many stuffed animals have individual qualities that
require different approaches to cleaning, but also because it seems
most of us have different ideas about how to clean our plush friends.
As for myself, I think the best way to keep a stuffed animal clean is
to try not to get it dirty in the first place. Most importantly, I
always make sure *I* am clean before I handle or snuggle my plushies,
because inevitably, whatever grime is on my hands, clothes, or body is
going to end up in my cuddlemate's plush. Dirt, dust, body oil, sweat,
skin flakes, hair, lint, even the smoky fallout from one's kitchen -
all these foreign substances will accumulate in a plushie's fur over
time, and getting them out - especially if the fur has become tangled
or matted - can be a major chore. Since most stuffed animals are
'limited editions' which years from now won't be replaceable, keeping
a favorite plushie clean is crucial to prolonging its life.
On a week-to-week basis, the best thing to do for a regularly-cuddled
plushie is to give it a good thorough combing. This will minimize the
tendency for the fur to get tangled and matted. Plush that you have
around the house just for display purposes should be combed at least
once monthly to get the dust out of their fur. Make sure to use a comb
that is dedicated solely for the purpose of grooming your plushies,
though. Anything that is on a comb will work its way into a plushie's
fur, too, and you definitely don't want to get scalp oils, dander, or
the residue of styling gunk embedded into a stuffed animal's plush.
For simple clean-ups, there is an excellent commercial product called
'Bubble G u n d' that works wonders on plush that is moderately soiled.
Spray lightly onto the soiled area, rub it into the plush with a clean
dry towel, let it dry thoroughly, then buff the fur briskly with
another clean dry towel. The results are usually quite pleasing.
Sometimes, however, radical surgery is required to clean a seriously
dirty plushie. This should only be done, though, if you're skilled in
the art of sewing. Undo enough of the seams to completely remove the
stuffing, then hand-wash the plush 'skin' in a dilute solution of a
mild detergent like Woolite. After you're done with the hand-washing,
dry the fur by hand, as well. Re-stuff the plushie using only fresh
new Poly-fil (available at most arts and crafts stores), and re-sew.
Be aware that semen or vaginal fluid can mar plush fur if it's left to
dry untreated. If this concerns you, be sure to comb and dry the fur
thoroughly right after sex, and untangle all the stuck-together plush.
If the sexual fluid has already dried, re-moisten it with a damp
cloth, and then untangle the plush.
Whatever method you choose to clean a plushie, try to avoid soaking the
inner stuffing. Some stuffed animals are indeed made to be machine
washable, but most are not, and getting the stuffing wet will at best
make a plushie undesirably lumpy inside, and at worst, ruin it by
encouraging the internal growth of mold and mildew rot.
17) How can I modify a plushie?
As alluded to above, there are two principal ways people may modify
plushies for sex. One is to form a space for penetration. This type
of modification is called a 'strategically-placed hole' (SPH). The
other basic type of modification is to give a plushie a maleness, for
receptive sex, or simply for anatomical correctness. This is called
a 'strategically-placed appendage' (SPA). The specific techniques of
how to create these modifications are really beyond the scope of this
FAQ, however. If you have questions about mods, though, post them to
the group, and someone will likely know where or to whom to direct you.
18) Where can I buy plushies on the net?
This FAQ used to include a list of plushie resources on the Internet,
but it became too much work to keep it updated. If you'd like to view
this list, go to one of the three sites below, but bear in mind that
each of the new hosts have permission to modify the resources list as
they wish, so the info available at these sites may differ.
http://velocity.net/~galen/sources.html (or */sources.txt)
http://www.spottycat.com/marlos/plushres.html (includes updated info
for Canadian plushie resources)
http://www.sonic.net/~maxi/plushres.txt
I DO IT WRONG!!!
(Revised)Tuesday December 25, @02:29AM
I do it wrong
Laying here in the shadows of my room, I squint
up at my love. My Ms. Portman. I am sore and tired after fucking her for eight
solid hours. My chapped and aching dick is soaking in grits to relieve the pain.
She gets on her knees and starts lapping the grits up out of the bowl. She
places her beautiful hands on my penis and starts to lick the grits off my achy
piece.
Massaging my nutsack she....
WAIT, I DO IT
WRONG!!!!
Yanking my dick out of her mouth I throw her to the ground
and shove it in to her gaping freshly fisted ass. [goatse.cx]
"OH BIG
ASS SPORK!! Fuck my ass, fuck my ass good. DEEPER, my stallion, deeper!! Make a
Beowulf cluster of sperm on my back!!"
"Imagine a Beowulf cluster of
this baby!"
I DO IT WRONG!!!!
I continue to hump her
alabaster form. Glistening with beads of sweat, she bites her lip in delight as
I tear her ass open with my engorged dick.
"Queen Amidala!!" I shreik
as I near climax.
She looks up at me and screams, "You are so alive in
me, unlike *BSD or VA Software!!! Fill me with seed!! Yes, Yes, Yess!!!!"
"For me you are calling, hhhmmm?"
"YODA?!? What the fuck, can't you
see I am using the force here?"
He savagely kicks my Natalie aside, he
pulls out his large green penis and impales me...
I DO IT
WRONG!!
All your sporkz are belong to the dead homiez!!
I DO IT
WRONG!!!Friday December 14, @11:02AM
I do it wrong
Laying here in the shadows of my room, I squint up at my love. My Ms.
Portman. I am sore and tired after fucking her for eight solid hours. My
chapped and aching dick is soaking in grits to relieve the pain. She gets on her
knees and starts lapping the grits up out of the bowl. She places her beautiful
hands on my penis and starts to lick the grits off my achy piece.
Massaging my nutsack she....
WAIT, I DO IT WRONG!!!!
Yanking my dick out of her mouth I throw her to the ground and shove it in to
her gaping freshly fisted ass.
"OH BIG ASS SPORK!! Fuck my ass, fuck my ass good. DEEPER, my stallion,
deeper!! Make a Beowulf cluster of sperm on my back!!"
"Imagine a Beowulf cluster of this baby!"
I DO IT WRONG!!!!
Trolling for
ChuyTuesday December 11, @03:42PM
It is a
well known fact that Jesus, AKA the Lord, OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR, Son of God,
Chuy, etc... Was in fact a troll. This whole turn the other cheek thing, for
example is a fairly obvious troll. If only they had a moderation system in the
first few years of the common era, this could have been mod'd out of our view.
There are other examples of Jesus trolling his disciples. Stopping the
flow of blood for that old lady, for example. He invented the tampax, and
trolled it as a miracle. The list could surely continue.
In conclussion,
let us all make WWJD our mantra. Let us troll for Jesus.
---
ADDENDUM: This troll has been mod'd up (+1 Funny), this is a scary world we
live in!
This is version 0.6 of a troll HOWTO, sort of a companion piece to jsm's
excellent troll FAQ. As a draft, comments and criticism are always welcome, if
not appreciated:)
Section 1 - Trolling techniques
There are techniques used by successful trolls to elicit the maximum amount
of responses from unthinking/.ers. This section is dedicated to explaining how
to use these in the course of your trolls. Remember though, a great troll can
break any or all of these and still be successful...
Timing
Because you're posting as an AC, your troll will generally be ignored in
favour of posters using their accounts, and so getting in early is essential. A
good guideline is to get into the first 20 posts, so that people reading the
article will see the troll before it is swamped out. One way of increasing the
speed with which you get your troll into play is to prepare them beforehand, and
then quickly customise them for the current article. This is easier than it
sounds since/. typically repeats stories with small variations and runs lots of
similar stories.
Note that this is why Jon Katz stories are pretty worthless as trolling
material - by the time you've found the article and prepared a troll there's
already 50+ posts on it, most of them flaming Jon Katz anyway:)
Exposure
Once you've got your troll in, you need people to actually read it. You also
want replies -/.ers are more likely to read your troll if it starts a large
thread. You also want to remember that some people have set their comment
thresholds to values higher than 0 - to get the attention of these you either
want to get your post moderated up (see Style, below) or get a reply which gets
moderated up to 4 or 5, in which case your troll becomes visible to all.
Accounts
An alternative to the time-honoured tradition of AC trolling is that of
creating a "troll" account. This gives you the advantage of posting at 1 rather
than 0, and slashbots are more likely to take you seriously, especially if you
at least sound reasonable. If you do this, try to avoid posting stuff where it
is obvious you're a troll under the account - post it anoymously instead - some
slightly more canny readers actually check your user info before they reply. Not
many though:)
The ultimate goal of the troll account is to secure the +1 bonus, which is
currently received once you hit 26 points of Karma. To get there, employ the
techniques of karma whoring that we see every day on/. and watch the karma roll
in. And of course once you get the +1 bonus, the world is your oyster in terms
of/. Posts made at a default of 2 hit even those people with the threshold of
2, are more likely to get moderated up even further if they are at all coherent,
and people tend to lose their critical thinking abilities in the face of the +1
bonus. Milk it for all it's worth.
Layout
To get people reading it a troll needs to be easily readable. Make sure you
break it down into easily digestible paragraphs, use HTML tags where appropriate
(but always make sure you close them properly) and use whitespace
appropriately.
Size
Generally a troll shouldn't be too short, otherwise it'll get lost in the
crowd. A workable minimum is a couple of medium paragraphs. Conversely, it
shouldn't be too long, or no-one will bother to read it. Keep it to a happy
medium.
Spelling
Whilst spelling is important if you want the troll to be taken "seriously",
key spelling mistakes can draw out the spelling zealots, especially if you
mis-spell the name of a venerated/. hero, like Linus Torveldes or Richard
Strawlman (thanks dmg). Related to this is the use of the wrong word, explaining
an acronym as being something it isn't or making a word into an acronym even
when it isn't.
Subject
The subject line needs to draw attention to your post without making it
obvious that it is a troll. A simple statement of the main point of your
argument can work here.
Style
Once you realise that most moderators don't bother to read past the first
paragraph or two, you can use this fact to craft trolls that can be moderated up
as "Insightful" (note that I mean this in the/. sense rather than the
real-world sense). Start off fairly reasonable, making statements that are/.
friendly and not being too controversial. As the troll goes on, make it more and
more controversial, building it up for the coup de grace in the final
paragraph.
Linking
As we all know, a post with links is
considered "informative" by the/. crowd. Moderators love it, and they rarely
check the links, so be sure to include as many as possible. And make them wrong
- a link to the Perl website should instead
point to the Python website instead, and vice
versa. The other alternative to incorrect links is "useful" links to places like
www.linux.org and www.microsoft.com i.e. places/.ers could
never have found on their own:)
Feeding
The ideal troll requires no feeding - it runs on its own, generating
flamewars between clueless/.ers for your amusement. But often a troll requires
some help and so you should consider feeding it. Feeding is best reserved for
people making either completely clueless responses, people making responses with
holes in, or those wonderful people who write a 2000-word point-by-point
rebuttal of your troll.
Know your audience
Always keep in mind the kind of things advocated on/. so that you can play
on and against them. This is why anti-Linux, creationist, gun-loving,
pro-corporation trolls work well - the vast majority of/.ers hold the opposite
viewpoints. And if a few people agree with you, so much the better - it merely
validates your viewpoint in the eyes of readers.
Arrogance
Be arrogant. You, as a troll, know that you're right. No other explanation
could exist. The wronger the "fact", the more assertively you should state it.
Make it clear that you are better than everyone else - you know the truth and
they are just too stupid to realise it. Use plenty of sarcasm, and use "quotes"
to show it to people too dumb to realise.
Offensiveness
Being offensive in your initial troll can be counter-productive - it causes
moderators to mark you down as flamebait in general. But if you're feeding, then
you can get away with calling/.ers all kinds of things. Make broad
generalisations about/. readers - call them "long-haired Linux zealots",
"socialist open-source bigots" or whatever. Stereotyping is encouraged - people
always want to think that they're an individual, and will point this out to you
given half a chance.
Indifference
Great for articles with a political or social bent, this kind of troll
expresses complete indifference to the topic at
hand, wondering who on
Earth cares about it. An alternative method is to say that the topic only
concerns a certain group of people - criminals, idiots, hackers (always use this
instead of crackers) or whatever group you want to offend.
Sympathy
Appear to take the same stance as the people you're trying to troll - claim
you're as much a fan of Linux as the next man, but... This way you can make all
kinds of claims in the sure knowledge that you actually know what you're talking
about. A great phrase to use here is "In my experience". Remember to act like
all the things you're pointing out are unfortunate but true.
The common touch
Always accuse/.ers of being elitist. This is an easy thing to do seeing as a
lot of them are. Claim that is their grandmother couldn't use it, then they are
just into it to feel better than Joe Sixpack rather than "doing it for the
average user". This is always great for working into anti-Linux trolls - attack
command-line tools and poorly designed desktops.
The 31337 touch
The opposite of the above. Claim that technology or whatever is only for the
elite of society and that any attempt to open it up for everyone is wrong, an
attack on intellectualism and possibly even dangerous. If people were meant to
understand these things then they would, and it's their fault if they're too
stupid to learn.
Contradiction
Never be afraid to contradict yourself, even in the space of a single
sentence. The phrases "I am a top programmer who codes in VB" or "I am a
supporter of open source who uses NT at work and 95 at home" will be sure to get
a response from some weenie smugly pointing out the contradiction. Confuse the
issue more by engaging in contradiction when you are feeding - this will confuse/.ers who will then make even more stupid replies, leaving them even more wide
open for response.
Clues
If you're feeling brave, give the reader clues that this is an obvious troll.
The classic example here is dmg's stock phrase "I am often accused of trolling
(whatever that is)", but also feel free to use phrases like "I have not read the
article, and I don't know much about XYZ but I feel I must comment". If anyone
responds to a troll with these kinds of clues in it, feel free to bask in the
glow of knee-jerk/. responses.
Denial
If you're unlucky someone will accuse you of being a troll (surely not!) and
try and ruin it for you. If you don't want it all to end there, then be sure to
counter it by accusing them of being small-minded and petty, saying that it's
easier for them to say it's a troll than to accept that people have different
opinions. Be sure to say this in the subject line, especially if their subject
was the infamous "YHBT. YHL.
HAND."
Claiming credit
Given that/. has its community of regular trolls (hi guys!), it's only
polite to publish your troll on one of the so-called "hidden" forums for all to
see and admire. This way, you get to bask in the praise of other trolls, they
get to contribute to your's if they want to, and you get an easy way to find the
troll later on when you want to check on its progress:)
As for when to post it, that's a matter of opinion really. You can either
post it straight away or leave it will after people start biting. Remember that
the troll forum is also frequented by non-trolls, and sometimes you may get a
self-declared "troll-buster" try and expose you. But remember,/.ers always post
before thinking, and often it doesn't matter at all.
There is no real current forum at the moment thanks to various spammers
hitting the sids, but try trolltalk, the original
troll sid started by 80md and osm way back in the day. Generally all postings
are done there as an AC, with your name at the end of the post. Include a link
to the troll somewhere in the text, which ideally will be directly to the post
and its replies - click on the #XX link in the thread to get there.
Ending the troll
Sometimes you just get bored with a troll, or people start posting genuinely
thoughtful stuff in reply (it does happen). When this happens it might be time
to own up to the troll with a helpful "YHBT. YHL.
HAND." post. Sometimes
people will carry on a discussion of the issue, and if you're really lucky (and
it was a great troll) they will completely fail to believe you and carry on
arguing. If that happens, pat yourself on the back for writing a great troll:)
The cheap $3 crack
Finally, when all else fails and your troll gets moderated down to (-1,
Troll) within ten seconds of you posting it, the only honourable thing to do is
to accuse the moderators of smoking the cheap $3 crack (again) and give up:(
Section 2 - Types of troll
The Maniac
Probably the most popular kind of troll, the Maniac holds an opinion on
something, and won't budge from that opinion no matter what evidence to the
contrary is presented. If challenged, the Maniac will simply get more and more
agitated and abusive, deriding his opponents as "idiots", "wrong-thinking",
"dangerous" and "subversive". Generally the Maniac takes a position that opposes
the prevalent/. beliefs, but a similar effect can be achieved by taking a
typical/. viewpoint and pushing it to ridiculous extremes.
Maniacs can be crafted for practically every article/. posts, although some
are more obvious targets than others. Civil liberty articles, especially on
things like censorship, DMCA, UCITA that really get/.ers riled up, are usually
extremely fruitful grounds for a well-crafted maniac. The other obvious type of
article is anything which could possibly involve religion, especially evolution:)
Here are some fruitful avenues to explore:
The Right-Wing Maniac
Always popular, the right-wing maniac (RWM) is a God-fearing, gun-toting,
flag-waving American, and proud of it. They don't care about the rest of the
world, unless it's to "prove" that America is better than everything else, and
they cannot stand liberal whining over civil rights. They hate the moral decay
of America and want it to revert into a nation of heterosexual, Christian whites
like it was meant to be. Woe betide anyone that dares to suggest otherwise.
Religion
There are two ways to approach this kind of maniac. The harder to pull off is
the militant atheist, but this is quite common amongst/. posters and you would
have to be very offensive to get this to work. Of course with religion trolls,
the argument can go on for ever once it's started... The more common approach is
the Christian fundamentalist. They are ignorant, intolerant and bigoted in the
extreme. For them the Bible is the inerrant word of God revealed to man - it
contains no flaws and no contradictions. Thus they are strict Creationists -
mentions of evolution or cosmology will set them off on vitriolic rants. Flaming
denunciations of anyone daring to contradict the "Word of God" are the way to
go, and any kind of proof can always be ignored by appealing to "secular
humanist brainwashing". And let's not forget, the USA is the greatest nation on
Earth because it has the righteous power of Jesus Christ behind it.
Ideology
Pick a philosophy, any philosophy. This troll is a troll with a cause - they
have found some kind of ideological truth, and are out to expose every other
philosophy as a sham. Whether it be libertarianism, objectivism, communism or
capitalism, this troll will point out the obvious "flaws" in any other
philosophies, whilst spouting dogma about their own. And the best thing is - you
don't even need to know that much about what you're spouting - making
doctrinaire mistakes will get both sides of the argument flaming you, adding to
the fun.
Software
This is an old favourite and crops up in many forms, covering the gamut from
OS maniacs (Linux zealots, MS-apologists or embittered BSD fanatics), language
maniacs (Pascal vs. C, C vs. C++, C++ vs. Java, Perl vs. Python, VB vs.
everything), application maniacs(GIMP vs. Photoshop, Netscape vs. IE, vi vs.
emacs) and also includes people who complain about how technology should only be
for the 31337 hackers.
Guns
Americans love their guns, and will always fight passionately for their
Constitutionally guarenteed rights to bear arms and shoot people. Even the
slightest hint of criticism of this will bring down the wrath of a thousand and
one enraged gun-owners on you, so it's always a great point to work into a troll:)
The Expert
The Expert is someone who is "savvy" in their particular field, and is
perfectly willing to give their opinion on any topic even vauguely related to
their field. The Expert is most likely to be from a field which/.ers as a rule
despise - the classic example is dumb marketing guy, but try consultants,
lawyers, politicians, lobbyists, executives, journalists (just think Jon Katz).
With this kind of troll sweeping statements with little content are the norm,
along wire dire portents of future catastrophe and dark hints of "insider
knowledge".
Some possible angles to exploit:
Industry knowledge
The expert knows the computing industry from the inside - as a long-term pro,
they can dispense knowledge knowing that they can "speak for the industry".
Their smug self-satisfaction is bound to annoy, as is any suggestion that things
aren't the way that/.ers would like it - saying "Linux requires the rock-solid
guarantee of a trusted company like Microsoft" or "Apache cannot be trusted for
mission-critical enterprise platforms" is guaranteed to get you denials
explaining exactly why you're wrong, in excruciating detail.
Helpful hints
With their tech-savvy (or law-savvy or whatever) experience, the expert is
obviously the best person to point out what's wrong with things or to give out
useful "factual" information. In fact this probably works best with lawyer
trolls - for all that/.ers protest "IANAL", they certainly seem to think they
could be, and any mistakes you make will send them rushing to prove themselves
by correcting you.
Offtopic Trolls
Not really a "troll" in the strict Jargon File sense of the word, but they
certainly should be included here:) This category includes parodies, offtopic
weirdness any all kinds of amusing stuff. Not really my area of expertise, this
stuff is mainly done by gnarphlager and opensourceman. Thanks to gnarphlager for
this section.
Offtopic trolls, like any other, come in almost as many colours as an iMac,
but generally not as cute. But then again, a good offtopic "troll" can affect
more people than a repulsive little gumdrop on your desk, because you need to
have someone SEE your desk before they can react. Simple? Moreso than even my
overblown prose could indicate. Some basic examples:
The serial troll
Write a story. Keep expanding it. It doesn't matter what article you post it
under, so long as it's high up. If you want people to recognize you, pick a
couple themes or symbols, and carry them on throughout the story. Other
alternatives include back linking or including the entire story, but adding more
each time. Be funny if you want. Or if you don't feel like being funny, just be
really weird. Someone will react.
The random troll
This has nothing to do with anything. Be it a stream of consciousness rant,
or a description of the corner of your desk. Another favorite is a monologue,
read as if spoken from any one given entity to another. The more outlandish, the
better (a pair of socks talking to a mousepad, for example). If you really
wanted to be artsy, work in an actual metaphor or legitimate meaning behind it,
but it's not necessary.
The vaguely related troll
Start out with a comment about the article. Have a definite opinion of it.
Then, after a little while, disintegrate into randomness. All roads eventually
can eventually lead to cheese (yum), Natalie Portman, cannibalism, toasters,
squirrels, futons, you name it. All it takes is a little bit of creativity. Oh,
and feel free to use other trolls' motifs. Open source and all that;-)
General tips:
If it's funny for a fleeting moment, then it's worth posting.
Puns. Puns are only less vile than mimes, but it's hard to mime on/. So
feel free/obligated to litter your offtopic and random bits with puns. Hurt the
bastards. And if they're sick enough to laugh at them, then they'll eventually
end up here;-)
Obscure cultural references and injokes are always good. SOMEONE will get
them eventually.
Several drafts of a serial or random post are common, but true elegance is
being able to come up with something on the spot that still makes the top 40
posts (on a post-heavy article)
Section 3 - Useful trolling links
The following links contain background information useful for trolls needing
quick quotes and "expert" opinions to include.
This is version 0.6 of a troll HOWTO, sort of a companion piece to jsm's
excellent troll FAQ. As a draft, comments and criticism are always welcome, if
not appreciated:)
Section 1 - Trolling techniques
There are techniques used by successful trolls to elicit the maximum amount
of responses from unthinking/.ers. This section is dedicated to explaining how
to use these in the course of your trolls. Remember though, a great troll can
break any or all of these and still be successful...
Timing
Because you're posting as an AC, your troll will generally be ignored in
favour of posters using their accounts, and so getting in early is essential. A
good guideline is to get into the first 20 posts, so that people reading the
article will see the troll before it is swamped out. One way of increasing the
speed with which you get your troll into play is to prepare them beforehand, and
then quickly customise them for the current article. This is easier than it
sounds since/. typically repeats stories with small variations and runs lots of
similar stories.
Note that this is why Jon Katz stories are pretty worthless as trolling
material - by the time you've found the article and prepared a troll there's
already 50+ posts on it, most of them flaming Jon Katz anyway:)
Exposure
Once you've got your troll in, you need people to actually read it. You also
want replies -/.ers are more likely to read your troll if it starts a large
thread. You also want to remember that some people have set their comment
thresholds to values higher than 0 - to get the attention of these you either
want to get your post moderated up (see Style, below) or get a reply which gets
moderated up to 4 or 5, in which case your troll becomes visible to all.
Accounts
An alternative to the time-honoured tradition of AC trolling is that of
creating a "troll" account. This gives you the advantage of posting at 1 rather
than 0, and slashbots are more likely to take you seriously, especially if you
at least sound reasonable. If you do this, try to avoid posting stuff where it
is obvious you're a troll under the account - post it anoymously instead - some
slightly more canny readers actually check your user info before they reply. Not
many though:)
The ultimate goal of the troll account is to secure the +1 bonus, which is
currently received once you hit 26 points of Karma. To get there, employ the
techniques of karma whoring that we see every day on/. and watch the karma roll
in. And of course once you get the +1 bonus, the world is your oyster in terms
of/. Posts made at a default of 2 hit even those people with the threshold of
2, are more likely to get moderated up even further if they are at all coherent,
and people tend to lose their critical thinking abilities in the face of the +1
bonus. Milk it for all it's worth.
Layout
To get people reading it a troll needs to be easily readable. Make sure you
break it down into easily digestible paragraphs, use HTML tags where appropriate
(but always make sure you close them properly) and use whitespace
appropriately.
Size
Generally a troll shouldn't be too short, otherwise it'll get lost in the
crowd. A workable minimum is a couple of medium paragraphs. Conversely, it
shouldn't be too long, or no-one will bother to read it. Keep it to a happy
medium.
Spelling
Whilst spelling is important if you want the troll to be taken "seriously",
key spelling mistakes can draw out the spelling zealots, especially if you
mis-spell the name of a venerated/. hero, like Linus Torveldes or Richard
Strawlman (thanks dmg). Related to this is the use of the wrong word, explaining
an acronym as being something it isn't or making a word into an acronym even
when it isn't.
Subject
The subject line needs to draw attention to your post without making it
obvious that it is a troll. A simple statement of the main point of your
argument can work here.
Style
Once you realise that most moderators don't bother to read past the first
paragraph or two, you can use this fact to craft trolls that can be moderated up
as "Insightful" (note that I mean this in the/. sense rather than the
real-world sense). Start off fairly reasonable, making statements that are/.
friendly and not being too controversial. As the troll goes on, make it more and
more controversial, building it up for the coup de grace in the final
paragraph.
Linking
As we all know, a post with links is
considered "informative" by the/. crowd. Moderators love it, and they rarely
check the links, so be sure to include as many as possible. And make them wrong
- a link to the Perl website should instead
point to the Python website instead, and vice
versa. The other alternative to incorrect links is "useful" links to places like
www.linux.org and www.microsoft.com i.e. places/.ers could
never have found on their own:)
Feeding
The ideal troll requires no feeding - it runs on its own, generating
flamewars between clueless/.ers for your amusement. But often a troll requires
some help and so you should consider feeding it. Feeding is best reserved for
people making either completely clueless responses, people making responses with
holes in, or those wonderful people who write a 2000-word point-by-point
rebuttal of your troll.
Know your audience
Always keep in mind the kind of things advocated on/. so that you can play
on and against them. This is why anti-Linux, creationist, gun-loving,
pro-corporation trolls work well - the vast majority of/.ers hold the opposite
viewpoints. And if a few people agree with you, so much the better - it merely
validates your viewpoint in the eyes of readers.
Arrogance
Be arrogant. You, as a troll, know that you're right. No other explanation
could exist. The wronger the "fact", the more assertively you should state it.
Make it clear that you are better than everyone else - you know the truth and
they are just too stupid to realise it. Use plenty of sarcasm, and use "quotes"
to show it to people too dumb to realise.
Offensiveness
Being offensive in your initial troll can be counter-productive - it causes
moderators to mark you down as flamebait in general. But if you're feeding, then
you can get away with calling/.ers all kinds of things. Make broad
generalisations about/. readers - call them "long-haired Linux zealots",
"socialist open-source bigots" or whatever. Stereotyping is encouraged - people
always want to think that they're an individual, and will point this out to you
given half a chance.
Indifference
Great for articles with a political or social bent, this kind of troll
expresses complete indifference to the topic at
hand, wondering who on
Earth cares about it. An alternative method is to say that the topic only
concerns a certain group of people - criminals, idiots, hackers (always use this
instead of crackers) or whatever group you want to offend.
Sympathy
Appear to take the same stance as the people you're trying to troll - claim
you're as much a fan of Linux as the next man, but... This way you can make all
kinds of claims in the sure knowledge that you actually know what you're talking
about. A great phrase to use here is "In my experience". Remember to act like
all the things you're pointing out are unfortunate but true.
The common touch
Always accuse/.ers of being elitist. This is an easy thing to do seeing as a
lot of them are. Claim that is their grandmother couldn't use it, then they are
just into it to feel better than Joe Sixpack rather than "doing it for the
average user". This is always great for working into anti-Linux trolls - attack
command-line tools and poorly designed desktops.
The 31337 touch
The opposite of the above. Claim that technology or whatever is only for the
elite of society and that any attempt to open it up for everyone is wrong, an
attack on intellectualism and possibly even dangerous. If people were meant to
understand these things then they would, and it's their fault if they're too
stupid to learn.
Contradiction
Never be afraid to contradict yourself, even in the space of a single
sentence. The phrases "I am a top programmer who codes in VB" or "I am a
supporter of open source who uses NT at work and 95 at home" will be sure to get
a response from some weenie smugly pointing out the contradiction. Confuse the
issue more by engaging in contradiction when you are feeding - this will confuse/.ers who will then make even more stupid replies, leaving them even more wide
open for response.
Clues
If you're feeling brave, give the reader clues that this is an obvious troll.
The classic example here is dmg's stock phrase "I am often accused of trolling
(whatever that is)", but also feel free to use phrases like "I have not read the
article, and I don't know much about XYZ but I feel I must comment". If anyone
responds to a troll with these kinds of clues in it, feel free to bask in the
glow of knee-jerk/. responses.
Denial
If you're unlucky someone will accuse you of being a troll (surely not!) and
try and ruin it for you. If you don't want it all to end there, then be sure to
counter it by accusing them of being small-minded and petty, saying that it's
easier for them to say it's a troll than to accept that people have different
opinions. Be sure to say this in the subject line, especially if their subject
was the infamous "YHBT. YHL.
HAND."
Claiming credit
Given that/. has its community of regular trolls (hi guys!), it's only
polite to publish your troll on one of the so-called "hidden" forums for all to
see and admire. This way, you get to bask in the praise of other trolls, they
get to contribute to your's if they want to, and you get an easy way to find the
troll later on when you want to check on its progress:)
As for when to post it, that's a matter of opinion really. You can either
post it straight away or leave it will after people start biting. Remember that
the troll forum is also frequented by non-trolls, and sometimes you may get a
self-declared "troll-buster" try and expose you. But remember,/.ers always post
before thinking, and often it doesn't matter at all.
There is no real current forum at the moment thanks to various spammers
hitting the sids, but try trolltalk, the original
troll sid started by 80md and osm way back in the day. Generally all postings
are done there as an AC, with your name at the end of the post. Include a link
to the troll somewhere in the text, which ideally will be directly to the post
and its replies - click on the #XX link in the thread to get there.
Ending the troll
Sometimes you just get bored with a troll, or people start posting genuinely
thoughtful stuff in reply (it does happen). When this happens it might be time
to own up to the troll with a helpful "YHBT. YHL.
HAND." post. Sometimes
people will carry on a discussion of the issue, and if you're really lucky (and
it was a great troll) they will completely fail to believe you and carry on
arguing. If that happens, pat yourself on the back for writing a great troll:)
The cheap $3 crack
Finally, when all else fails and your troll gets moderated down to (-1,
Troll) within ten seconds of you posting it, the only honourable thing to do is
to accuse the moderators of smoking the cheap $3 crack (again) and give up:(
Section 2 - Types of troll
The Maniac
Probably the most popular kind of troll, the Maniac holds an opinion on
something, and won't budge from that opinion no matter what evidence to the
contrary is presented. If challenged, the Maniac will simply get more and more
agitated and abusive, deriding his opponents as "idiots", "wrong-thinking",
"dangerous" and "subversive". Generally the Maniac takes a position that opposes
the prevalent/. beliefs, but a similar effect can be achieved by taking a
typical/. viewpoint and pushing it to ridiculous extremes.
Maniacs can be crafted for practically every article/. posts, although some
are more obvious targets than others. Civil liberty articles, especially on
things like censorship, DMCA, UCITA that really get/.ers riled up, are usually
extremely fruitful grounds for a well-crafted maniac. The other obvious type of
article is anything which could possibly involve religion, especially evolution:)
Here are some fruitful avenues to explore:
The Right-Wing Maniac
Always popular, the right-wing maniac (RWM) is a God-fearing, gun-toting,
flag-waving American, and proud of it. They don't care about the rest of the
world, unless it's to "prove" that America is better than everything else, and
they cannot stand liberal whining over civil rights. They hate the moral decay
of America and want it to revert into a nation of heterosexual, Christian whites
like it was meant to be. Woe betide anyone that dares to suggest otherwise.
Religion
There are two ways to approach this kind of maniac. The harder to pull off is
the militant atheist, but this is quite common amongst/. posters and you would
have to be very offensive to get this to work. Of course with religion trolls,
the argument can go on for ever once it's started... The more common approach is
the Christian fundamentalist. They are ignorant, intolerant and bigoted in the
extreme. For them the Bible is the inerrant word of God revealed to man - it
contains no flaws and no contradictions. Thus they are strict Creationists -
mentions of evolution or cosmology will set them off on vitriolic rants. Flaming
denunciations of anyone daring to contradict the "Word of God" are the way to
go, and any kind of proof can always be ignored by appealing to "secular
humanist brainwashing". And let's not forget, the USA is the greatest nation on
Earth because it has the righteous power of Jesus Christ behind it.
Ideology
Pick a philosophy, any philosophy. This troll is a troll with a cause - they
have found some kind of ideological truth, and are out to expose every other
philosophy as a sham. Whether it be libertarianism, objectivism, communism or
capitalism, this troll will point out the obvious "flaws" in any other
philosophies, whilst spouting dogma about their own. And the best thing is - you
don't even need to know that much about what you're spouting - making
doctrinaire mistakes will get both sides of the argument flaming you, adding to
the fun.
Software
This is an old favourite and crops up in many forms, covering the gamut from
OS maniacs (Linux zealots, MS-apologists or embittered BSD fanatics), language
maniacs (Pascal vs. C, C vs. C++, C++ vs. Java, Perl vs. Python, VB vs.
everything), application maniacs(GIMP vs. Photoshop, Netscape vs. IE, vi vs.
emacs) and also includes people who complain about how technology should only be
for the 31337 hackers.
Guns
Americans love their guns, and will always fight passionately for their
Constitutionally guarenteed rights to bear arms and shoot people. Even the
slightest hint of criticism of this will bring down the wrath of a thousand and
one enraged gun-owners on you, so it's always a great point to work into a troll:)
The Expert
The Expert is someone who is "savvy" in their particular field, and is
perfectly willing to give their opinion on any topic even vauguely related to
their field. The Expert is most likely to be from a field which/.ers as a rule
despise - the classic example is dumb marketing guy, but try consultants,
lawyers, politicians, lobbyists, executives, journalists (just think Jon Katz).
With this kind of troll sweeping statements with little content are the norm,
along wire dire portents of future catastrophe and dark hints of "insider
knowledge".
Some possible angles to exploit:
Industry knowledge
The expert knows the computing industry from the inside - as a long-term pro,
they can dispense knowledge knowing that they can "speak for the industry".
Their smug self-satisfaction is bound to annoy, as is any suggestion that things
aren't the way that/.ers would like it - saying "Linux requires the rock-solid
guarantee of a trusted company like Microsoft" or "Apache cannot be trusted for
mission-critical enterprise platforms" is guaranteed to get you denials
explaining exactly why you're wrong, in excruciating detail.
Helpful hints
With their tech-savvy (or law-savvy or whatever) experience, the expert is
obviously the best person to point out what's wrong with things or to give out
useful "factual" information. In fact this probably works best with lawyer
trolls - for all that/.ers protest "IANAL", they certainly seem to think they
could be, and any mistakes you make will send them rushing to prove themselves
by correcting you.
Offtopic Trolls
Not really a "troll" in the strict Jargon File sense of the word, but they
certainly should be included here:) This category includes parodies, offtopic
weirdness any all kinds of amusing stuff. Not really my area of expertise, this
stuff is mainly done by gnarphlager and opensourceman. Thanks to gnarphlager for
this section.
Offtopic trolls, like any other, come in almost as many colours as an iMac,
but generally not as cute. But then again, a good offtopic "troll" can affect
more people than a repulsive little gumdrop on your desk, because you need to
have someone SEE your desk before they can react. Simple? Moreso than even my
overblown prose could indicate. Some basic examples:
The serial troll
Write a story. Keep expanding it. It doesn't matter what article you post it
under, so long as it's high up. If you want people to recognize you, pick a
couple themes or symbols, and carry them on throughout the story. Other
alternatives include back linking or including the entire story, but adding more
each time. Be funny if you want. Or if you don't feel like being funny, just be
really weird. Someone will react.
The random troll
This has nothing to do with anything. Be it a stream of consciousness rant,
or a description of the corner of your desk. Another favorite is a monologue,
read as if spoken from any one given entity to another. The more outlandish, the
better (a pair of socks talking to a mousepad, for example). If you really
wanted to be artsy, work in an actual metaphor or legitimate meaning behind it,
but it's not necessary.
The vaguely related troll
Start out with a comment about the article. Have a definite opinion of it.
Then, after a little while, disintegrate into randomness. All roads eventually
can eventually lead to cheese (yum), Natalie Portman, cannibalism, toasters,
squirrels, futons, you name it. All it takes is a little bit of creativity. Oh,
and feel free to use other trolls' motifs. Open source and all that;-)
General tips:
If it's funny for a fleeting moment, then it's worth posting.
Puns. Puns are only less vile than mimes, but it's hard to mime on/. So
feel free/obligated to litter your offtopic and random bits with puns. Hurt the
bastards. And if they're sick enough to laugh at them, then they'll eventually
end up here;-)
Obscure cultural references and injokes are always good. SOMEONE will get
them eventually.
Several drafts of a serial or random post are common, but true elegance is
being able to come up with something on the spot that still makes the top 40
posts (on a post-heavy article)
Section 3 - Useful trolling links
The following links contain background information useful for trolls needing
quick quotes and "expert" opinions to include.
This is version 0.6 of a troll HOWTO, sort of a companion piece to jsm's
excellent troll FAQ. As a draft, comments and criticism are always welcome, if
not appreciated:)
Section 1 - Trolling techniques
There are techniques used by successful trolls to elicit the maximum amount
of responses from unthinking/.ers. This section is dedicated to explaining how
to use these in the course of your trolls. Remember though, a great troll can
break any or all of these and still be successful...
Timing
Because you're posting as an AC, your troll will generally be ignored in
favour of posters using their accounts, and so getting in early is essential. A
good guideline is to get into the first 20 posts, so that people reading the
article will see the troll before it is swamped out. One way of increasing the
speed with which you get your troll into play is to prepare them beforehand, and
then quickly customise them for the current article. This is easier than it
sounds since/. typically repeats stories with small variations and runs lots of
similar stories.
Note that this is why Jon Katz stories are pretty worthless as trolling
material - by the time you've found the article and prepared a troll there's
already 50+ posts on it, most of them flaming Jon Katz anyway:)
Exposure
Once you've got your troll in, you need people to actually read it. You also
want replies -/.ers are more likely to read your troll if it starts a large
thread. You also want to remember that some people have set their comment
thresholds to values higher than 0 - to get the attention of these you either
want to get your post moderated up (see Style, below) or get a reply which gets
moderated up to 4 or 5, in which case your troll becomes visible to all.
Accounts
An alternative to the time-honoured tradition of AC trolling is that of
creating a "troll" account. This gives you the advantage of posting at 1 rather
than 0, and slashbots are more likely to take you seriously, especially if you
at least sound reasonable. If you do this, try to avoid posting stuff where it
is obvious you're a troll under the account - post it anoymously instead - some
slightly more canny readers actually check your user info before they reply. Not
many though:)
The ultimate goal of the troll account is to secure the +1 bonus, which is
currently received once you hit 26 points of Karma. To get there, employ the
techniques of karma whoring that we see every day on/. and watch the karma roll
in. And of course once you get the +1 bonus, the world is your oyster in terms
of/. Posts made at a default of 2 hit even those people with the threshold of
2, are more likely to get moderated up even further if they are at all coherent,
and people tend to lose their critical thinking abilities in the face of the +1
bonus. Milk it for all it's worth.
Layout
To get people reading it a troll needs to be easily readable. Make sure you
break it down into easily digestible paragraphs, use HTML tags where appropriate
(but always make sure you close them properly) and use whitespace
appropriately.
Size
Generally a troll shouldn't be too short, otherwise it'll get lost in the
crowd. A workable minimum is a couple of medium paragraphs. Conversely, it
shouldn't be too long, or no-one will bother to read it. Keep it to a happy
medium.
Spelling
Whilst spelling is important if you want the troll to be taken "seriously",
key spelling mistakes can draw out the spelling zealots, especially if you
mis-spell the name of a venerated/. hero, like Linus Torveldes or Richard
Strawlman (thanks dmg). Related to this is the use of the wrong word, explaining
an acronym as being something it isn't or making a word into an acronym even
when it isn't.
Subject
The subject line needs to draw attention to your post without making it
obvious that it is a troll. A simple statement of the main point of your
argument can work here.
Style
Once you realise that most moderators don't bother to read past the first
paragraph or two, you can use this fact to craft trolls that can be moderated up
as "Insightful" (note that I mean this in the/. sense rather than the
real-world sense). Start off fairly reasonable, making statements that are/.
friendly and not being too controversial. As the troll goes on, make it more and
more controversial, building it up for the coup de grace in the final
paragraph.
Linking
As we all know, a post with links is
considered "informative" by the/. crowd. Moderators love it, and they rarely
check the links, so be sure to include as many as possible. And make them wrong
- a link to the Perl website should instead
point to the Python website instead, and vice
versa. The other alternative to incorrect links is "useful" links to places like
www.linux.org and www.microsoft.com i.e. places/.ers could
never have found on their own:)
Feeding
The ideal troll requires no feeding - it runs on its own, generating
flamewars between clueless/.ers for your amusement. But often a troll requires
some help and so you should consider feeding it. Feeding is best reserved for
people making either completely clueless responses, people making responses with
holes in, or those wonderful people who write a 2000-word point-by-point
rebuttal of your troll.
Know your audience
Always keep in mind the kind of things advocated on/. so that you can play
on and against them. This is why anti-Linux, creationist, gun-loving,
pro-corporation trolls work well - the vast majority of/.ers hold the opposite
viewpoints. And if a few people agree with you, so much the better - it merely
validates your viewpoint in the eyes of readers.
Arrogance
Be arrogant. You, as a troll, know that you're right. No other explanation
could exist. The wronger the "fact", the more assertively you should state it.
Make it clear that you are better than everyone else - you know the truth and
they are just too stupid to realise it. Use plenty of sarcasm, and use "quotes"
to show it to people too dumb to realise.
Offensiveness
Being offensive in your initial troll can be counter-productive - it causes
moderators to mark you down as flamebait in general. But if you're feeding, then
you can get away with calling/.ers all kinds of things. Make broad
generalisations about/. readers - call them "long-haired Linux zealots",
"socialist open-source bigots" or whatever. Stereotyping is encouraged - people
always want to think that they're an individual, and will point this out to you
given half a chance.
Indifference
Great for articles with a political or social bent, this kind of troll
expresses complete indifference to the topic at
hand, wondering who on
Earth cares about it. An alternative method is to say that the topic only
concerns a certain group of people - criminals, idiots, hackers (always use this
instead of crackers) or whatever group you want to offend.
Sympathy
Appear to take the same stance as the people you're trying to troll - claim
you're as much a fan of Linux as the next man, but... This way you can make all
kinds of claims in the sure knowledge that you actually know what you're talking
about. A great phrase to use here is "In my experience". Remember to act like
all the things you're pointing out are unfortunate but true.
The common touch
Always accuse/.ers of being elitist. This is an easy thing to do seeing as a
lot of them are. Claim that is their grandmother couldn't use it, then they are
just into it to feel better than Joe Sixpack rather than "doing it for the
average user". This is always great for working into anti-Linux trolls - attack
command-line tools and poorly designed desktops.
The 31337 touch
The opposite of the above. Claim that technology or whatever is only for the
elite of society and that any attempt to open it up for everyone is wrong, an
attack on intellectualism and possibly even dangerous. If people were meant to
understand these things then they would, and it's their fault if they're too
stupid to learn.
Contradiction
Never be afraid to contradict yourself, even in the space of a single
sentence. The phrases "I am a top programmer who codes in VB" or "I am a
supporter of open source who uses NT at work and 95 at home" will be sure to get
a response from some weenie smugly pointing out the contradiction. Confuse the
issue more by engaging in contradiction when you are feeding - this will confuse/.ers who will then make even more stupid replies, leaving them even more wide
open for response.
Clues
If you're feeling brave, give the reader clues that this is an obvious troll.
The classic example here is dmg's stock phrase "I am often accused of trolling
(whatever that is)", but also feel free to use phrases like "I have not read the
article, and I don't know much about XYZ but I feel I must comment". If anyone
responds to a troll with these kinds of clues in it, feel free to bask in the
glow of knee-jerk/. responses.
Denial
If you're unlucky someone will accuse you of being a troll (surely not!) and
try and ruin it for you. If you don't want it all to end there, then be sure to
counter it by accusing them of being small-minded and petty, saying that it's
easier for them to say it's a troll than to accept that people have different
opinions. Be sure to say this in the subject line, especially if their subject
was the infamous "YHBT. YHL.
HAND."
Claiming credit
Given that/. has its community of regular trolls (hi guys!), it's only
polite to publish your troll on one of the so-called "hidden" forums for all to
see and admire. This way, you get to bask in the praise of other trolls, they
get to contribute to your's if they want to, and you get an easy way to find the
troll later on when you want to check on its progress:)
As for when to post it, that's a matter of opinion really. You can either
post it straight away or leave it will after people start biting. Remember that
the troll forum is also frequented by non-trolls, and sometimes you may get a
self-declared "troll-buster" try and expose you. But remember,/.ers always post
before thinking, and often it doesn't matter at all.
There is no real current forum at the moment thanks to various spammers
hitting the sids, but try trolltalk, the original
troll sid started by 80md and osm way back in the day. Generally all postings
are done there as an AC, with your name at the end of the post. Include a link
to the troll somewhere in the text, which ideally will be directly to the post
and its replies - click on the #XX link in the thread to get there.
Ending the troll
Sometimes you just get bored with a troll, or people start posting genuinely
thoughtful stuff in reply (it does happen). When this happens it might be time
to own up to the troll with a helpful "YHBT. YHL.
HAND." post. Sometimes
people will carry on a discussion of the issue, and if you're really lucky (and
it was a great troll) they will completely fail to believe you and carry on
arguing. If that happens, pat yourself on the back for writing a great troll:)
The cheap $3 crack
Finally, when all else fails and your troll gets moderated down to (-1,
Troll) within ten seconds of you posting it, the only honourable thing to do is
to accuse the moderators of smoking the cheap $3 crack (again) and give up:(
Section 2 - Types of troll
The Maniac
Probably the most popular kind of troll, the Maniac holds an opinion on
something, and won't budge from that opinion no matter what evidence to the
contrary is presented. If challenged, the Maniac will simply get more and more
agitated and abusive, deriding his opponents as "idiots", "wrong-thinking",
"dangerous" and "subversive". Generally the Maniac takes a position that opposes
the prevalent/. beliefs, but a similar effect can be achieved by taking a
typical/. viewpoint and pushing it to ridiculous extremes.
Maniacs can be crafted for practically every article/. posts, although some
are more obvious targets than others. Civil liberty articles, especially on
things like censorship, DMCA, UCITA that really get/.ers riled up, are usually
extremely fruitful grounds for a well-crafted maniac. The other obvious type of
article is anything which could possibly involve religion, especially evolution:)
Here are some fruitful avenues to explore:
The Right-Wing Maniac
Always popular, the right-wing maniac (RWM) is a God-fearing, gun-toting,
flag-waving American, and proud of it. They don't care about the rest of the
world, unless it's to "prove" that America is better than everything else, and
they cannot stand liberal whining over civil rights. They hate the moral decay
of America and want it to revert into a nation of heterosexual, Christian whites
like it was meant to be. Woe betide anyone that dares to suggest otherwise.
Religion
There are two ways to approach this kind of maniac. The harder to pull off is
the militant atheist, but this is quite common amongst/. posters and you would
have to be very offensive to get this to work. Of course with religion trolls,
the argument can go on for ever once it's started... The more common approach is
the Christian fundamentalist. They are ignorant, intolerant and bigoted in the
extreme. For them the Bible is the inerrant word of God revealed to man - it
contains no flaws and no contradictions. Thus they are strict Creationists -
mentions of evolution or cosmology will set them off on vitriolic rants. Flaming
denunciations of anyone daring to contradict the "Word of God" are the way to
go, and any kind of proof can always be ignored by appealing to "secular
humanist brainwashing". And let's not forget, the USA is the greatest nation on
Earth because it has the righteous power of Jesus Christ behind it.
Ideology
Pick a philosophy, any philosophy. This troll is a troll with a cause - they
have found some kind of ideological truth, and are out to expose every other
philosophy as a sham. Whether it be libertarianism, objectivism, communism or
capitalism, this troll will point out the obvious "flaws" in any other
philosophies, whilst spouting dogma about their own. And the best thing is - you
don't even need to know that much about what you're spouting - making
doctrinaire mistakes will get both sides of the argument flaming you, adding to
the fun.
Software
This is an old favourite and crops up in many forms, covering the gamut from
OS maniacs (Linux zealots, MS-apologists or embittered BSD fanatics), language
maniacs (Pascal vs. C, C vs. C++, C++ vs. Java, Perl vs. Python, VB vs.
everything), application maniacs(GIMP vs. Photoshop, Netscape vs. IE, vi vs.
emacs) and also includes people who complain about how technology should only be
for the 31337 hackers.
Guns
Americans love their guns, and will always fight passionately for their
Constitutionally guarenteed rights to bear arms and shoot people. Even the
slightest hint of criticism of this will bring down the wrath of a thousand and
one enraged gun-owners on you, so it's always a great point to work into a troll:)
The Expert
The Expert is someone who is "savvy" in their particular field, and is
perfectly willing to give their opinion on any topic even vauguely related to
their field. The Expert is most likely to be from a field which/.ers as a rule
despise - the classic example is dumb marketing guy, but try consultants,
lawyers, politicians, lobbyists, executives, journalists (just think Jon Katz).
With this kind of troll sweeping statements with little content are the norm,
along wire dire portents of future catastrophe and dark hints of "insider
knowledge".
Some possible angles to exploit:
Industry knowledge
The expert knows the computing industry from the inside - as a long-term pro,
they can dispense knowledge knowing that they can "speak for the industry".
Their smug self-satisfaction is bound to annoy, as is any suggestion that things
aren't the way that/.ers would like it - saying "Linux requires the rock-solid
guarantee of a trusted company like Microsoft" or "Apache cannot be trusted for
mission-critical enterprise platforms" is guaranteed to get you denials
explaining exactly why you're wrong, in excruciating detail.
Helpful hints
With their tech-savvy (or law-savvy or whatever) experience, the expert is
obviously the best person to point out what's wrong with things or to give out
useful "factual" information. In fact this probably works best with lawyer
trolls - for all that/.ers protest "IANAL", they certainly seem to think they
could be, and any mistakes you make will send them rushing to prove themselves
by correcting you.
Offtopic Trolls
Not really a "troll" in the strict Jargon File sense of the word, but they
certainly should be included here:) This category includes parodies, offtopic
weirdness any all kinds of amusing stuff. Not really my area of expertise, this
stuff is mainly done by gnarphlager and opensourceman. Thanks to gnarphlager for
this section.
Offtopic trolls, like any other, come in almost as many colours as an iMac,
but generally not as cute. But then again, a good offtopic "troll" can affect
more people than a repulsive little gumdrop on your desk, because you need to
have someone SEE your desk before they can react. Simple? Moreso than even my
overblown prose could indicate. Some basic examples:
The serial troll
Write a story. Keep expanding it. It doesn't matter what article you post it
under, so long as it's high up. If you want people to recognize you, pick a
couple themes or symbols, and carry them on throughout the story. Other
alternatives include back linking or including the entire story, but adding more
each time. Be funny if you want. Or if you don't feel like being funny, just be
really weird. Someone will react.
The random troll
This has nothing to do with anything. Be it a stream of consciousness rant,
or a description of the corner of your desk. Another favorite is a monologue,
read as if spoken from any one given entity to another. The more outlandish, the
better (a pair of socks talking to a mousepad, for example). If you really
wanted to be artsy, work in an actual metaphor or legitimate meaning behind it,
but it's not necessary.
The vaguely related troll
Start out with a comment about the article. Have a definite opinion of it.
Then, after a little while, disintegrate into randomness. All roads eventually
can eventually lead to cheese (yum), Natalie Portman, cannibalism, toasters,
squirrels, futons, you name it. All it takes is a little bit of creativity. Oh,
and feel free to use other trolls' motifs. Open source and all that;-)
General tips:
If it's funny for a fleeting moment, then it's worth posting.
Puns. Puns are only less vile than mimes, but it's hard to mime on/. So
feel free/obligated to litter your offtopic and random bits with puns. Hurt the
bastards. And if they're sick enough to laugh at them, then they'll eventually
end up here;-)
Obscure cultural references and injokes are always good. SOMEONE will get
them eventually.
Several drafts of a serial or random post are common, but true elegance is
being able to come up with something on the spot that still makes the top 40
posts (on a post-heavy article)
Section 3 - Useful trolling links
The following links contain background information useful for trolls needing
quick quotes and "expert" opinions to include.
Subject: Re: "We won't warlord it" (was Re: Wolfenstein 3d)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.warlord
From: The Mystic Mongoose
Date: Thu, 15 Feb 1996 22:17:24 -0500
Organization: Continuum Communications Inc.
>What does
HAND mean?
Hmmm. Let's figure that out.
H=ASCII 72
A=ASCII 65
N=ASCII 78
D=ASCII 68
72+65+78+68=283. Now, to compute the mean, divide by the number of units,
namely, four, which gives us 70.75. Round upwards, and we get 71,
which when translated back is G. So, G is what
HAND means.
It is now evident by the usage of the club's ultra secret motto "YHBT! YHL!
HAND!" that WIPO Troll is a member of the secret club known as Club 91.
The club's web-presence is here.
WIPO practices kibology, to quote the website: "A.R.K" stands for "alt.religion.kibology",
and also for the ancient Celtic "algae ryngwyrm kibog", meaning "Read the
directions before beginning." Below, "YHBT.YHL.HAND"
is a phrase so secret that nobody on the Internet can understand it. Do not
attempt to ask what it means on alt.religion.kibology. You will not get the
answer. "YHBT.YHL.HAND"
is the only thing which cannot be understood by the mind of Man, unless he's in
Club91.
Slashdot Mirror
Even if you run... I will find you
I decided I want you
Now I know.... I need
If you can't be bought, tougher then I thought
Keep in mind - I am with you
Never left out fate, can't concentrate
Even if you run...
You will be mine!
Ah, fucking you will be mine!
Ah, fucking you will be mine!
Ah, fucking you will be mine!
I found you
Leanin' out of an open window
You laughed, our fingers clenched
Too perfect, far too careless
I couldn't help myself - I just took you
Damnit man I knew it was a mistake
Better make yourself at home
You're here to stay
You won't bother me... if you let me bother you
All the doors are locked, all the windows shut
Keep in mind... I watch you
Never leave my side, never leave me, fucker
Even if you run
What the fuck is different?
Man, I can't believe I'm doin this
I'm cold, I'm ugly
I'm always confused by everything
I can stare into a thousand eyes
But every smile hides a bold-faced lie
It itches, it seethes, it festers and breathes
My heros are dead, they dies in my head
Thin out the heard, squeeze out the pain
Something inside me has opened up agian
Thoughts of me exemplified
All the little flaws I have denied
Forget today, forget whatever happened
Everyday i see a little more of overall deficiencies
I'm nothing short of being one complete catastrophe
What the hell - did I - do to deserve - all of this?
I save all the bullets from ignorant minds
Your insults get stuck in my teeth as they grind
Way past good taste, on our way to bad omens
I decrese, while my symptoms increase
God what the fuck is wrong
You act like you knew it all along
Your timing sucks, your silence is a blessing
All I ever wanted out of you was
Something you could never be
Now take a real good look at
What you've fucking done to me
Gimme any reason why I'd need you, boy
Gimme any reason not to fuck you up
Gimme any reason why I'd need you, bitch
Gimme any reason not to fuck you up
I see you in me
I keep my scars from prying eyes
Incapable of ever knowing why
Somebody breathe, I've got to have an answer
Why am I so fascinated by
Bigger pictures, better things
But I don't care what you think
You'll never understand me
My freedom is best
Whole country's on house arrest
And evryone's a suspect
You can't feel the flow because you died
Face down on a suicide
The motherfucker's on self-destruct
Nobody guardin' your back, its all a front
Save this! My rage is bliss!
I'm takin names and gettin' pissed!
Where's Chuck D when ya need him?
You ain't shit, just a puddle on the bed spread
The maniac psycho
Cool J screamed the shit but I still can't believe it!
Man, its funny that you scare me so
Just enough to fuck me up again and again
Hard life is hard as hell
Better back the fuck on up
Cuz this is...
No kind of life! This is no kind of life!
I've got to get out
It's no kind of life! This is no kind of life!
You can't blame me
Can't be real no more - your mask is skin and bone
Savor every flavor you got cuz its not your own
Bad-ass bat, man
Forget about the battle, its the war we gotta win
Breathe! Amer-cult, Breathe! One more - seethe!
Freak like you gotta pair
Won't be my fault
When you're painted in the corner of a no-good life
This is...
I can't remember, I don't understand
Is it malice that makes you this way?
Carry it with you 'til someone forgives you
I laugh cuz theres nothing to say
You can't begin to consider the
Palpable hate in the air when you're here
None of use wonder what weather you're under
Youre making it perfectly clear
Lights ain't on - shit ain't right
Never had peace but I gotta fight
Can you look in my eyes when my back's against the wall
Slash at my eyes, surprise, you'll never get me
You're all reality and sound bites
And the freedom is never in plain sight
The feelings, the question, the price is too human for fucking sake
This is...
Insane - am I the only motherfucker with a brain?
I'm hearing voices, but all they do is complain
How many time have you wanted to kill
Everything and everyone - say you'll do it but never will
You can't see California without Marlon Brando's eyes
I am my father son
Cuz hes a phantom, a mystery, and that leaves me nothing!
How many time hace you wanted to die?
Its too late for me - all you have to do is get rid of me
Its all in your head
Its all in my head
Its all in my head
I tried - you lied to me for so long..
Everywhere I go, there's a sense of it
Freak on my antics and give me a choice
Doesn't matter if I give a shit - its the shit that you gave me
Do you wanna feel pain? Takin' my name in vain
Caring never felt so lame inside
Anybody else got pride? Do you wanna take my life?
Maybe I'll reverse my ride
Who the fuck are you? Fuck you!
Better suck it up cuz you bled through
Better get away from me
Stay the fuck away from me
I feel safe - seems you're saved
Look me in my brand new eye
I've felt the hate rise up in me...
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves...
I wander out where you can't see...
Inside my shell, i wait and bleed...
I wipe it off the tile, the light is brighter this time
Everything is 3D blasphemy
My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up
This is not the way I pictured me
I can't control my shakes, how the hell did I get here?
Something about this, so very wrong...
I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn't like this
Is it a dream or a memory?
Get outta my head cuz I don't need this
Why didn't I see this?
I'm a victim - Manchurian candidate
I have sinned by just
Makin' my mind up and takin' your breath away
You haven't learned a thing
I haven't changed a thing
My flesh was in my bones
The pain was always free
And it waits for you!
Running out of ways to run
I can't see, I can't be
Over and over and under my skin
All this attention is doing me in
Fuck it all! Fuck this world!
Fuck everything that you stand for!
Don't belong! Don't exist!
Don't give a shit!
Don't ever judge me!
Picking through the parts exposed
Taking shape, taking shag
Over and over and under my skin
All this momentum is doing me in!
You got all my love, livin' in your own hate
Drippin' hole man, hard step, no fate
Showin' you nothing, but I ain't holdin' back
Every damn word I say is a sneak attack
When I get my hands on you
Ain't a fucking thing you can do
Get this cuz you're never gonna get me
I am the very disease you pretend to be
I am the push that makes you move
Fucking retard, forget the crusades? Both the schools deserve to be wiped.
How to Sex Small Mammals
Quit snickering! Figuring out the gender of a hamster, guinea pig, or other small mammal who comes into your shelter is no laughing matter. After all, if your little tenants get busy lovin', it can result in even more unwanted small pets, and pretty soon your shelter will look like a Little-Critter Free-Love Commune. When examining creatures this small, it's all in the details. Read on to find out how you can easily tell the boys from the girls.
1. Determining Gerbil Gender
You can sex a gerbil starting at the age of four to six weeks by peering at the animal's underside. To minimize stress on the animal and also make handling easier, place the gerbil in a large clear box to search for a pair of large testicles; if you spot them, you've got your answer to the gender question. Since the sexual and urinary openings of female gerbils is much less obvious to the naked eye, it helps to look for small nipples on the underside. Still stumped? The distance between sexual and anal organs is longer on the male than it is on the female.
2. Holding Off Hamster Hanky-Panky
Using the clear box trick, look for large testicles on the underside of the hamster. In males, there will also be a bigger gap between the urinary and anal openings. The perineal area (or the area between the genitals and the anus) comes to a point at the base of the tail in females, but this area looks more rounded in males.
3. Is This Mickey or Minnie Mouse?
As with the other small mammals, the distance between the anus and genitals of mice is longer in males. In addition to the closer spacing, female mice have a small teardrop-shaped vagina extending down from the anus. Both openings are very close together and appear to be connected. Female mice also have two rows of nipples running vertically down their bellies.
4. Playing Rat Roulette
Since you don't want to say, "Oh, rats," after making a mistake in gender distinction, remember that male rats have a stronger odor than female rats. As with other rodents, male rats have a greater distance between sexual and anal openings, and their testicles are no shrinking violets.
5. No Guinea Pig Guessing
Male guinea pigs have obvious scrotal pouches and large testes. The sexual organ of a male guinea pig will look more like a belly button right above the anal opening. Very little space separates these parts; if you are looking at a young guinea pig, gentle manual pressure can help you distinguish between them. The organs of female guinea pigs are also close together and look something like the letter "Y"; this Y-shaped depression can be seen even in immature females.
6. Making Rabbit Rulings
Figuring out the sex of young rabbits can be tricky, but it gets a little easier as they mature to about 10 weeks old or so. Put your hand under the rabbit and feel around for furry testicles; keep in mind that testicles in rabbits move freely from the scrotum to the abdomen. On male rabbits, you will also see a tubular protrusion, whereas the female reproductive area will simply look more like a slit even when pressure is applied.
Animal Sheltering, Jul-Aug 2000 Issue
How to Sex Small Mammals
Quit snickering! Figuring out the gender of a hamster, guinea pig, or other small mammal who comes into your shelter is no laughing matter. After all, if your little tenants get busy lovin', it can result in even more unwanted small pets, and pretty soon your shelter will look like a Little-Critter Free-Love Commune. When examining creatures this small, it's all in the details. Read on to find out how you can easily tell the boys from the girls.
1. Determining Gerbil Gender
You can sex a gerbil starting at the age of four to six weeks by peering at the animal's underside. To minimize stress on the animal and also make handling easier, place the gerbil in a large clear box to search for a pair of large testicles; if you spot them, you've got your answer to the gender question. Since the sexual and urinary openings of female gerbils is much less obvious to the naked eye, it helps to look for small nipples on the underside. Still stumped? The distance between sexual and anal organs is longer on the male than it is on the female.
2. Holding Off Hamster Hanky-Panky
Using the clear box trick, look for large testicles on the underside of the hamster. In males, there will also be a bigger gap between the urinary and anal openings. The perineal area (or the area between the genitals and the anus) comes to a point at the base of the tail in females, but this area looks more rounded in males.
3. Is This Mickey or Minnie Mouse?
As with the other small mammals, the distance between the anus and genitals of mice is longer in males. In addition to the closer spacing, female mice have a small teardrop-shaped vagina extending down from the anus. Both openings are very close together and appear to be connected. Female mice also have two rows of nipples running vertically down their bellies.
4. Playing Rat Roulette
Since you don't want to say, "Oh, rats," after making a mistake in gender distinction, remember that male rats have a stronger odor than female rats. As with other rodents, male rats have a greater distance between sexual and anal openings, and their testicles are no shrinking violets.
5. No Guinea Pig Guessing
Male guinea pigs have obvious scrotal pouches and large testes. The sexual organ of a male guinea pig will look more like a belly button right above the anal opening. Very little space separates these parts; if you are looking at a young guinea pig, gentle manual pressure can help you distinguish between them. The organs of female guinea pigs are also close together and look something like the letter "Y"; this Y-shaped depression can be seen even in immature females.
6. Making Rabbit Rulings
Figuring out the sex of young rabbits can be tricky, but it gets a little easier as they mature to about 10 weeks old or so. Put your hand under the rabbit and feel around for furry testicles; keep in mind that testicles in rabbits move freely from the scrotum to the abdomen. On male rabbits, you will also see a tubular protrusion, whereas the female reproductive area will simply look more like a slit even when pressure is applied.
Animal Sheltering, Jul-Aug 2000 Issue
The page cannot be displayed The page you are looking for is currently unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your browser settings. Please try the following: Click the Refresh button, or try again later. If you typed the page address in the Address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly. To check your connection settings, click the Tools menu, and then click Internet Options. On the Connections tab, click Settings. The settings should match those provided by your local area network (LAN) administrator or Internet service provider (ISP). If your Network Administrator has enabled it, Microsoft Windows can examine your network and automatically discover network connection settings. If you would like Windows to try and discover them, click Detect Network Settings Some sites require 128-bit connection security. Click the Help menu and then click About Internet Explorer to determine what strength security you have installed. If you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure your Security settings can support it. Click the Tools menu, and then click Internet Options. On the Advanced tab, scroll to the Security section and check settings for SSL 2.0, SSL 3.0, TLS 1.0, PCT 1.0. Click the Back button to try another link. Cannot find server or DNS Error Internet Explorer
How to Sex Small Mammals
Quit snickering! Figuring out the gender of a hamster, guinea pig, or other small mammal who comes into your shelter is no laughing matter. After all, if your little tenants get busy lovin', it can result in even more unwanted small pets, and pretty soon your shelter will look like a Little-Critter Free-Love Commune. When examining creatures this small, it's all in the details. Read on to find out how you can easily tell the boys from the girls.
1. Determining Gerbil Gender
You can sex a gerbil starting at the age of four to six weeks by peering at the animal's underside. To minimize stress on the animal and also make handling easier, place the gerbil in a large clear box to search for a pair of large testicles; if you spot them, you've got your answer to the gender question. Since the sexual and urinary openings of female gerbils is much less obvious to the naked eye, it helps to look for small nipples on the underside. Still stumped? The distance between sexual and anal organs is longer on the male than it is on the female.
2. Holding Off Hamster Hanky-Panky
Using the clear box trick, look for large testicles on the underside of the hamster. In males, there will also be a bigger gap between the urinary and anal openings. The perineal area (or the area between the genitals and the anus) comes to a point at the base of the tail in females, but this area looks more rounded in males.
3. Is This Mickey or Minnie Mouse?
As with the other small mammals, the distance between the anus and genitals of mice is longer in males. In addition to the closer spacing, female mice have a small teardrop-shaped vagina extending down from the anus. Both openings are very close together and appear to be connected. Female mice also have two rows of nipples running vertically down their bellies.
4. Playing Rat Roulette
Since you don't want to say, "Oh, rats," after making a mistake in gender distinction, remember that male rats have a stronger odor than female rats. As with other rodents, male rats have a greater distance between sexual and anal openings, and their testicles are no shrinking violets.
5. No Guinea Pig Guessing
Male guinea pigs have obvious scrotal pouches and large testes. The sexual organ of a male guinea pig will look more like a belly button right above the anal opening. Very little space separates these parts; if you are looking at a young guinea pig, gentle manual pressure can help you distinguish between them. The organs of female guinea pigs are also close together and look something like the letter "Y"; this Y-shaped depression can be seen even in immature females.
6. Making Rabbit Rulings
Figuring out the sex of young rabbits can be tricky, but it gets a little easier as they mature to about 10 weeks old or so. Put your hand under the rabbit and feel around for furry testicles; keep in mind that testicles in rabbits move freely from the scrotum to the abdomen. On male rabbits, you will also see a tubular protrusion, whereas the female reproductive area will simply look more like a slit even when pressure is applied.
Animal Sheltering, Jul-Aug 2000 Issue
Posted by chrisd [dibona.com] on Tuesday December 11, @08:22PM
from the no-mention-of-peg-legs-and-eye-patches dept.
akiaki007 [mailto] was among many who wrote in to say: "Check out this article [nytimes.com] on the New York Times [nytimes.com] (free reg, blah blah) site. The CmdrTaco have raided 27 cities in 21 states. Raid sites include MIT [mit.edu], UCLA [ucla.edu], Purdue [purdue.edu], Duke [duke.edu], UofO, all hot-beds of young tender assholes. Their main target was the group DrinkOrDie [google.com], an asshole appreciation club. 'This is a new frontier for crime,' Kenneth W. Dam, deputy secretary of the Treasury, said at a news briefing. 'The costs are enormous to both industry and consumers.' I better hide my asshole. They might think it's some weird fucking tool."
ADVISORY -- ADULTS ONLY
The following text contains descriptions of erotic acts with plush stuffed animals ('plushies'). If you are a minor, or if you believe you may be offended by descriptions of eroticism with plush stuffed animals, please stop reading this text now.
Welcome to alt.sex.plushies!
alt.sex.plushies Frequently Asked Questions Version 3.1
(last revised 30 November 1999)
Table Of Contents:
1) What is 'alt.sex.plushies'?
2) What is a 'plushie'? What is a 'plushophile'?
3) What is a 'fursuit'?
4) What kinds of subjects are discussed on alt.sex.plushies?
5) How do people really feel about their plush companions?
6) Why be intimate with plushies instead of with people?
7) Just what exactly do people do with plushies, anyway?
8) I think I'd like to explore this. How should I begin?
9) Am I welcome here if I like plushies but don't have sex with them?
10) Why is there so little traffic on this newsgroup?
11) What other plushie newsgroups are on the net?
12) Are there any plushie web sites I can browse?
13) Are there fursuit web sites I can browse, too?
14) I've seen some unusual terms used here. What do they all mean?
15) What is the 'Plush Code'?
16) How can I clean a plushie?
17) How can I modify a plushie?
18) Where can I buy plushies on the net?
1) What is 'alt.sex.plushies'?
'alt.sex.plushies' is a newsgroup for adults who have special personal
feelings for plush stuffed animals (and plush puppets, too). It's
also a place where people talk about 'fursuits'. alt.sex.plushies was
newgrouped on August 9, 1994.
2) What is a 'plushie'? What is a 'plushophile'?
A 'plushie' is a plush stuffed animal, like a teddy bear. 'Plushie'
is also sometimes used as a short form for 'plushophile': an adult
who loves or is otherwise attracted to stuffed animals.
3) What is a 'fursuit'?
This is a full-body costume that makes the wearer look like a favorite
animal, or an animal character. Costumes like this are commonly seen
being worn by staff members at amusement parks dressing up as popular
cartoon characters. They're also seen at sporting events where the
team has a mascot in a costume. Since a person in a fursuit looks
(and feels) a lot like a 'living plushie', such costumes are
understandably popular with some plushophiles. Several of us here
have made or bought our own animal costumes.
4) What kinds of subjects are discussed on alt.sex.plushies?
Many people assume that the group is just for talking about sex,
sexual techniques, and ways to modify plushies to use them for sex.
While these subjects certainly all come up, they are far from the
only things that are discussed here. Some other topics that arise
are what kinds of plushies people have, what they look like, where to
buy them, how to make fursuits and other kinds of costumes, what kind
of plushie gatherings are coming up, and just plain conversation
between friends. alt.sex.plushies is a small, friendly group, and
nobody minds if a discussion drifts a bit away from the subject of
plushies now and then. About the only things that are unwelcome are
binary posts, and the SPAM advertisements that flood the whole
alt.sex.* hierarchy.
5) How do people really feel about their plush companions?
While most plushophiles probably feel at least some degree of affection
for their plushies, the ways they express it depend on the individual.
Some may view their plushies as just sex toys, while other plushophiles
love, even venerate their stuffed animals.
6) Why be intimate with plushies instead of with people?
You don't have to choose between one or the other - you can have both
plush and human partners at the same time - but the great thing about
stuffed animals is that they can always be there for you, whenever you
feel the need for intimacy. People can be 'too busy', 'too tired' or
'have a headache', but a plushie will never say 'No!' when you crave
closeness. Stuffed animals can be truly ideal companions. No plush
partner will ever break your heart, give you a disease, or hurt you in
any way. Plushies can bring pure, unfettered happiness into your life,
and if you're open to it, wonderful sensual experiences, as well.
7) Just what exactly do people do with plushies, anyway?
Probably the most common thing plushophiles do with their plushies is
to simply cuddle them. Many of us sleep with our stuffed animals, as
well. Concerning plush sex, two common methods are to hug a plushie
while pleasuring oneself, and to rub against the fur of the plushie
until achieving orgasm. Some people modify their plushies to form a
space for penetration. This can be as simple as an opened seam, or a
more elaborate insert can be constructed. People can also modify a
plushie with a penis-like attachment. Some plushophiles have such
strong feelings for plushies that they can make themselves peak just
by looking at one, or just sniffing its scent. Many other fetishes
can easily be combined with plush sex, as well. Also, you can involve
human partners with plush. Rubbing a plushie against a sex partner's
body is nice, as is 'sandwiching' a partner's body between yours and a
large plushie (or sandwiching the plushie), or frolicking with your
partner in a big pile of plush. The potential ways to use plushies
are really limited solely by the imagination. Indulge freely in your
fancies!
8) I think I'd like to explore this. How should I begin?
First and most importantly, find a stuffed animal that appeals to you
in a very personal way. It may take time, but eventually you'll find
one that's irresistible. If you currently have a stuffed animal that
you've got special feelings for, chances are you've already expressed
those emotions in some intimate manner. In general, probably the best
way to learn about plush love is to take your special plushie to bed
with you, and just cuddle at first. That might be as far as you want
to go, but if the sensations of softness, warmth and closeness bring
on arousal, simply follow your instincts. You'll find that plushies
make very nice love partners. They will gladly do anything you want
and any time you feel like it, so you can totally set your own pace.
Just start with cuddling, and sleeping with your special plushie(s),
and in time, you will learn all the Joys Of Plush(tm) for yourself.
9) Am I welcome here if I like plushies but don't have sex with them?
Certainly! Many of the posters here collect plushies for their
appearance, because they love animals, or various other non-sexual
reasons. There are plenty of things plush collectors can and do
discuss here, whether they are into sexual uses for plushies or not.
Please feel free to join such discussions or start new ones, and just
skip over any other topics that don't interest you. You'll find that
the majority of discussions here are actually not sexual, only a
minority of them are.
10) Why is there so little traffic on this newsgroup?
A lot of people stopped posting to alt.sex.plushies when the SPAM
advertisements flooded the group. a.s.p isn't completely dead, though.
Many of us still monitor the group for on-topic posts, and newcomers
are always welcome. Don't let the SPAM discourage you from joining us!
If you do post to a.s.p, though, *make sure* your Subject: line starts
with a tag like 'PLUSH:'. Most of us have filters that kill posts
whose Subject: line doesn't contain the word 'plush' or 'plushies'.
11) What other plushie newsgroups are on the net?
These Usenet newsgroups are devoted to stuffed animals, too:
alt.fan.plushies
alt.collecting.teddy-bears
alt.collecting.beanie-babies
alt.collecting.beanie-babies.forsale
alt.collecting.beanie-babies.uk
Plushie pictures can be posted to:
alt.binaries.pictures.plushies
alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.plushies
alt.binaries.erotica.beanie-babies
Also, 'alt.lifestyle.furry' is a 'furry' newsgroup where plushophilia
is on-topic, and 'de.alt.fan.pluesch' is a German plushie NG.
12) Are there any plushie web sites I can browse?
Of course! Here are a few for starters:
FoxWolfie Galen's Furry Plushie Page
http://velocity.net/~galen/
(Established in April 1994 - probably the first adult plushie page)
Max's Plushie Page
http://www.sonic.net/~maxi/plush.html
Plush Central
http://www.personal.isat.com/captpackrat/plush/
(Home of the plushieRing)
W e bKitty's Plushies Page
http://www2.hawaii.edu/~mivillan/plushies.html
(Discover 25 reasons why stuffed animals are better than men!)
BlayZe BrightScale's Page
http://come.to/blayze/
>From any of these sites, you can follow the 'PlushieRing' to a number
of other plush-lovers' webpages.
'Plushie Fandom!' is a message board and chat forum for plushophiles
on the World Wide Web. Come join us at:
http://www.delphi.com/plushie_fandom
13) Are there fursuit web sites I can browse, too?
One of the most comprehensive webpages on fursuits is at:
http://www.best.com/~nico/fursuit.cgi
There you will find links to many other fursuit-related webpages.
14) I've seen some unusual terms used here. What do they all mean?
We plushies have come up with a lot of unique jargon over the years.
You can look up the meaning of just about any word or abbreviation we
use at:
http://velocity.net/~galen/plushlex.txt
15) What is the 'Plush Code'?
It's a categorical code of letters and symbols that's used to summarize
ones personal plush preferences. The key to translate someone's Plush
Code can be found at:
http://velocity.net/~galen/plushcod.txt
16) How can I clean a plushie?
This subject is worthy of a FAQ by itself. It's a complex question,
not only because many stuffed animals have individual qualities that
require different approaches to cleaning, but also because it seems
most of us have different ideas about how to clean our plush friends.
As for myself, I think the best way to keep a stuffed animal clean is
to try not to get it dirty in the first place. Most importantly, I
always make sure *I* am clean before I handle or snuggle my plushies,
because inevitably, whatever grime is on my hands, clothes, or body is
going to end up in my cuddlemate's plush. Dirt, dust, body oil, sweat,
skin flakes, hair, lint, even the smoky fallout from one's kitchen -
all these foreign substances will accumulate in a plushie's fur over
time, and getting them out - especially if the fur has become tangled
or matted - can be a major chore. Since most stuffed animals are
'limited editions' which years from now won't be replaceable, keeping
a favorite plushie clean is crucial to prolonging its life.
On a week-to-week basis, the best thing to do for a regularly-cuddled
plushie is to give it a good thorough combing. This will minimize the
tendency for the fur to get tangled and matted. Plush that you have
around the house just for display purposes should be combed at least
once monthly to get the dust out of their fur. Make sure to use a comb
that is dedicated solely for the purpose of grooming your plushies,
though. Anything that is on a comb will work its way into a plushie's
fur, too, and you definitely don't want to get scalp oils, dander, or
the residue of styling gunk embedded into a stuffed animal's plush.
For simple clean-ups, there is an excellent commercial product called
'Bubble G u n d' that works wonders on plush that is moderately soiled.
Spray lightly onto the soiled area, rub it into the plush with a clean
dry towel, let it dry thoroughly, then buff the fur briskly with
another clean dry towel. The results are usually quite pleasing.
Sometimes, however, radical surgery is required to clean a seriously
dirty plushie. This should only be done, though, if you're skilled in
the art of sewing. Undo enough of the seams to completely remove the
stuffing, then hand-wash the plush 'skin' in a dilute solution of a
mild detergent like Woolite. After you're done with the hand-washing,
dry the fur by hand, as well. Re-stuff the plushie using only fresh
new Poly-fil (available at most arts and crafts stores), and re-sew.
Be aware that semen or vaginal fluid can mar plush fur if it's left to
dry untreated. If this concerns you, be sure to comb and dry the fur
thoroughly right after sex, and untangle all the stuck-together plush.
If the sexual fluid has already dried, re-moisten it with a damp
cloth, and then untangle the plush.
Whatever method you choose to clean a plushie, try to avoid soaking the
inner stuffing. Some stuffed animals are indeed made to be machine
washable, but most are not, and getting the stuffing wet will at best
make a plushie undesirably lumpy inside, and at worst, ruin it by
encouraging the internal growth of mold and mildew rot.
17) How can I modify a plushie?
As alluded to above, there are two principal ways people may modify
plushies for sex. One is to form a space for penetration. This type
of modification is called a 'strategically-placed hole' (SPH). The
other basic type of modification is to give a plushie a maleness, for
receptive sex, or simply for anatomical correctness. This is called
a 'strategically-placed appendage' (SPA). The specific techniques of
how to create these modifications are really beyond the scope of this
FAQ, however. If you have questions about mods, though, post them to
the group, and someone will likely know where or to whom to direct you.
18) Where can I buy plushies on the net?
This FAQ used to include a list of plushie resources on the Internet,
but it became too much work to keep it updated. If you'd like to view
this list, go to one of the three sites below, but bear in mind that
each of the new hosts have permission to modify the resources list as
they wish, so the info available at these sites may differ.
http://velocity.net/~galen/sources.html (or */sources.txt)
http://www.spottycat.com/marlos/plushres.html (includes updated info
for Canadian plushie resources)
http://www.sonic.net/~maxi/plushres.txt
Readers' Experiences: How To Break the Penis for no Sexual OrgasmHistory has told us it always repeats itself! Only wise people can avoid it. The wise person must be YOU!
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How to Sex Small Mammals
Quit snickering! Figuring out the gender of a hamster, guinea pig, or other small mammal who comes into your shelter is no laughing matter. After all, if your little tenants get busy lovin', it can result in even more unwanted small pets, and pretty soon your shelter will look like a Little-Critter Free-Love Commune. When examining creatures this small, it's all in the details. Read on to find out how you can easily tell the boys from the girls.
1. Determining Gerbil Gender
You can sex a gerbil starting at the age of four to six weeks by peering at the animal's underside. To minimize stress on the animal and also make handling easier, place the gerbil in a large clear box to search for a pair of large testicles; if you spot them, you've got your answer to the gender question. Since the sexual and urinary openings of female gerbils is much less obvious to the naked eye, it helps to look for small nipples on the underside. Still stumped? The distance between sexual and anal organs is longer on the male than it is on the female.
2. Holding Off Hamster Hanky-Panky
Using the clear box trick, look for large testicles on the underside of the hamster. In males, there will also be a bigger gap between the urinary and anal openings. The perineal area (or the area between the genitals and the anus) comes to a point at the base of the tail in females, but this area looks more rounded in males.
3. Is This Mickey or Minnie Mouse?
As with the other small mammals, the distance between the anus and genitals of mice is longer in males. In addition to the closer spacing, female mice have a small teardrop-shaped vagina extending down from the anus. Both openings are very close together and appear to be connected. Female mice also have two rows of nipples running vertically down their bellies.
4. Playing Rat Roulette
Since you don't want to say, "Oh, rats," after making a mistake in gender distinction, remember that male rats have a stronger odor than female rats. As with other rodents, male rats have a greater distance between sexual and anal openings, and their testicles are no shrinking violets.
5. No Guinea Pig Guessing
Male guinea pigs have obvious scrotal pouches and large testes. The sexual organ of a male guinea pig will look more like a belly button right above the anal opening. Very little space separates these parts; if you are looking at a young guinea pig, gentle manual pressure can help you distinguish between them. The organs of female guinea pigs are also close together and look something like the letter "Y"; this Y-shaped depression can be seen even in immature females.
6. Making Rabbit Rulings
Figuring out the sex of young rabbits can be tricky, but it gets a little easier as they mature to about 10 weeks old or so. Put your hand under the rabbit and feel around for furry testicles; keep in mind that testicles in rabbits move freely from the scrotum to the abdomen. On male rabbits, you will also see a tubular protrusion, whereas the female reproductive area will simply look more like a slit even when pressure is applied.
Animal Sheltering, Jul-Aug 2000 Issue
Fact: Using the Bible to support any political ideology is highly problematic.
Summary
The New Testament is a liberal's paradise; almost every principle espoused in it is one that liberals -- not conservatives -- espouse today. (The only exceptions are its pronouncements on divorce, sexuality and slavery.) The Old Testament, however, is a conservative haven, filled with pronouncements favoring war, slavery, theocracy, monarchy, wealth accumulation, capital punishment, extreme female submission and more. Interestingly, however, the Old Testament is sexually permissive. Attempting to use the Bible to justify their modern beliefs therefore poses significant challenges to Christian conservatives.
Argument
Does the Bible really espouse conservative philosophies?
Let us briefly run through the politics of the religious right, just so the comparison will be fresh in our memory. Christian conservatives believe firmly in God, country and family. Self-sufficiency and rugged individualism are highly esteemed qualities; people should pull themselves up their own bootstraps. Becoming rich is a keen goal and almost universally admired. Taxes are seen as a curse. Social programs for the poor are a waste of tax-payers' money, and the sort of people on those programs (mostly blacks) are lazy and given to crime. As for criminals, they should feel the full force of the law. And that goes for international criminals as well... a nation should deal with its enemies from a position of strength, and should never be afraid to let them feel the full force of its military might.
Were these the politics of Jesus? Let's take a look:
On defense: Jesus said "Love your enemies" and "Blessed are the peacemakers." "If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also." (Matthew 5:44; 5:9; 5:39.)
On social programs: "If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven." (Matthew 19:21.)
On rugged individualism and the pursuit of self-interest: "Love your neighbor as yourself." "So in everything, do to others as you would have them do to you." (Matthew 22:39; 7:12.)
On financial success: "Truly, I say unto you, it will be hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven." "You cannot serve both God and Money." (Matthew 19:23; 6:24.)
On the philosophy that "greed is good": "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." (Luke 12:15.)
On paying taxes: "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's." (Matthew 22:22.)
On crime and punishment: "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (John 8:7; Matthew 7:1,2.)
On climbing the social ladder: "The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, 'Behold, a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!'" (Matthew 11:19.)
On money-hungry televangelists: "In the temple courts [Jesus] found men selling cattle, sheep and doves, and other sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple area, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables." (John 2:14,15.)
On the free lunch: "Taking the five loaves and two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves... The number of those who ate was about five thousand men..." (Matthew 14:19,21.)
On the perks and privileges of power: "After that, [Jesus] poured water into a basin, and began to wash the disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him." (John 13:5.)
On moral absolutes: "If any of you has a sheep and it falls into a pit on the Sabbath, will you not take hold of it and lift it out?" "The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath." (Matthew 12:11; Mark 2:27.)
On family: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot be my disciple." Also: "'Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?' Pointing to his disciples, he said, 'Here are my mother and my brothers.'" (Luke 14:26; Matthew 12:48,49.)
On race relations: In the parable of the Good Samaritan, Jesus praised the morality of a hated foreigner over his own countrymen. (Luke 10:30-37.)
On the superiority of one's native country: "These twelve Jesus sent out with the following instructions: 'Do not go among the Gentiles or enter any town of the Samaritans. Go rather to the lost sheep of Israel.'" (Matthew 10:5,6.)
On letting others pull themselves up by their own bootstraps: "But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous." (Luke 14:13,14.)
Modern Christian conservatives may be horrified, but there is no getting around the fact: Jesus was not just a liberal, but a radical liberal! In fact, except for one pronouncement on divorce, there is not one text in all four Gospels which even remotely supports or resembles the conservative's most cherished beliefs. It is a standing challenge to the religious right to find a list of Gospel texts, as I have provided here, which advocates the conservative's philosophies. Not one Christian can give a single example, because these texts do not exist.
And if anyone remains unconvinced about the deep liberal slant of Jesus and the early Christian Church, a review of their economic policies should remove all doubt forever. The early Christian Church actually serves as history's second example of pure communism! (The first was the Essenes, who wrote the Dead Sea Scrolls.) In Paul's Christian Church, the fruits of everyone's labor went into a collective pool, which was then divided evenly among everyone in the group. The following passages from Acts of the Apostles are remarkable in this description:
- "All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their
possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need." (Acts 2:44-45).
The New Testament itself is filled with countless calls for a redistribution of wealth from the rich to the poor. As for the rich, they are clearly portrayed as wicked; both Jesus and his apostles condemned them in the harshest terms possible:"All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had... There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need." (Acts 4:32,34,35)
- "But woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort.
Woe to you who are well fed now, for you will go hungry." (Luke 6:24,25)
Giving to the poor was not just an act of kindness, it was a Christian duty, and Paul ended his letters with a reminder to send money to the poor in Jerusalem. It was this identification with the poor that led them to attack usury, or the loaning of money for interest, in the bitterest terms, for this was seen as exploitation of the poor. In the end, one cannot read the New Testament and escape the conclusion that the Early Christian Church condemned inequality of wealth as one of the greatest of human sins."Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." (Luke 18:25)
"People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is the root of all evil." (1 Timothy 6:9,10)
"Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share." (1 Timothy 6:17,18)
"Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who loved him? But you have insulted the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court? Are they not the ones who are slandering the noble name of him to whom you belong?" (James 2:5-7)
"Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming upon you. Your wealth has rotted, and moths have eaten your clothes. Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days. Look! The wages you failed to pay the workmen who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty. You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourself in the day of slaughter. You have condemned and murdered innocent men, who were not opposing you." (James 5:1-6)
These observations are a disaster for conservatives who try to use the Bible as moral authority for their political opinions. I have had only a few Christians even try to defend them. I present you with the few counter-arguments I have received:
Jesus came across as radical because he was affecting radical change. True, but you can agree with this observation completely and still not lose sight of the fact that the changes Jesus called for are quite liberal by today's standards.
Jesus was simply representing the positive side of God's message, namely, his love, mercy and forgiveness; it was left to the apostles to describe God's judgment and wrath against sinners. But even in the later books of the New Testament, you cannot find support for such conservative beliefs as a strong national defense, the superiority of one's own people, tax-cuts for the rich, the pursuit of wealth, or the abolition of welfare programs for the poor. These ideas are still strongly condemned. But, to be truthful, there are two issues which the apostles later developed in the New Testament which could be construed as conservative. The first is a profound anti-sexual theme which was not common among Israel (the Jews were quite liberal about sex, as we shall see below); but this anti-sexual bias ran deep throughout the Greek world of Paul's time, where Christianity was to thrive. The second was the apostles' acceptance of slavery. I somehow doubt Christians will be eager to use this latter example.
Times were different in Jesus day; today we have a different economic and social system. With this argument, conservatives abandon their source of authority. To say that Jesus represented his own time is to say that his words do not matter any more. It means that conservatives cannot use the Bible as the moral authority for their modern viewpoints. They may admit that their political views are based on their own logic and reason, but they must stop there, and cease to claim that these views come from the New Testament, because they do not.
The Old Testament is filled with philosophies that conservatives agree with today. This is, in fact, the most common conservative defense. From the condemnation of homosexuals to the praise of wealth and national defense, the Old Testament is indeed a conservative's paradise. And Jesus himself said "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them." (Matthew 5:17.) But this argument fails on a single point. If the Old Testament were still valid, we would still be obeying it. That is, Christians would still be bringing doves into the temple for slaughter upon the altar. We would still be sinning for planting two different crops in the same field, or wearing two different fabrics at once. Even the least educated Christian knows that a profound difference occurred at the cross, and that a different set of rules came into play. Those rules can be found in the New Testament, and they are overwhelmingly liberal.
Even so, falling back on the Old Testament often backfires for Christian Conservatives. The problem is that the Old Testament goes too far to the right. The Old Testament was not only undemocratic, it featured a monarchy. (1 Samuel 8.) Social inequality not only existed, but was embodied in slavery. In fact, it was legal to beat slaves so severely that they could not get up for a day or two. (Exodus 21:21.) Children were not only expected to respect their parents; their parents could legally kill them if they didn't. (Deuteronomy 21:18-21.) Women not only had a submissive and inferior status to men, they were considered chattel. (Genesis 3:16, Exodus 21:7-11, Numbers 30.) God not only ordered Israel to initiate wars of aggression, but ordered Israel to kill all captive men and non-virgin women, and to bring the virgin women into sexual slavery. (Deuteronomy 7:1,2, Numbers 31.) God even ordered the suckling infants of the enemy to be massacred. (1 Samuel 15:3.)
Interestingly, there is one area of the Old Testament that runs diametrically opposed to the conservative's most cherished values: sexuality. Of course, many conservatives frequently cite the Old Testament laws against incest, homosexuality and bestiality (Leviticus 18:6,22,23). But in almost all other sexual matters, the Old Testament is really quite permissive. There were no laws prohibiting pre-marital and non-marital sex, and only a few stipulations to this liberty were explicitly stated. One was that if a man seduces a virgin, he must pay a bride-price and marry her. (Exodus 22:16.) However, the law says nothing about non-virgins, including divorced or widowed women. Also, a wife found guilty of adultery could be stoned to death along with her lover. (Deuteronomy 22:22.) However, no law prevented a married man from carrying on with as many affairs as he pleased, as long as they were not with other men's wives. For a man, divorce was both legal and easy to obtain, if for no other reason that she displeased him. (Deuteronomy 24:1-4.) Prostitution was illegal for Jewish women, but it was permitted for foreigners. (Deuteronomy 23:17.) However, many Jewish women became prostitutes as well. The practice was widely tolerated by the authorities, and considering how many scriptural warnings were voiced against harlots, it is clear they did a thriving business.
If Christian conservatives find all this alarming, it gets worse. Polygamy was not only allowed, but King Solomon's 700 wives and 300 concubines were recorded as a matter of national pride. (1 Kings 11:3.) Concubines served the role of secondary wives; they were often, but not necessarily, purchased servants. As for purchased female servants, male masters were allowed to have sex with them (Exodus 21:7-11), a practice which Christians defend by claiming that the rights of these slaves were "well-regulated." (!) If a male soldier found a female captive to be attractive, he could force marriage, and therefore sexual relations, on her. (Deuteronomy 21:10-14.) In modern society, this is called rape.
Except for a distinct misogyny and homophobia, the ancient Jews were generally free of sexual repression. Like most cultures and religions of the world, they celebrated heterosexual pleasure as a gift from God. This positive view is reflected in Song of Songs, an erotic poem that even becomes sexually explicit:
- "Listen! My lover is knocking: 'Open to me, my sister, my darling...' I have
taken off my robe -- must I put it on again?... My lover thrust his hand through
the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my
lover, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the
handles of the lock, I opened for my lover..." (Song of Songs 5:2-6)
The sexual double entendre here is obvious, and has been the source of embarrassment and controversy to Christians for almost 2,000 years. The standard disclaimer is that the author was really describing God's relationship to his people, a view that even the ancient rabbinic scholars taught. But this is still an embarrassment to the sexually repressed philosophies of Christian conservatives, given the overtly sexual nature of the poem. What is more likely is that the author was engaging in the sort of double entendre that often occurred in ancient Jewish writings. Many of their stories and parables having second meanings, just as many of their character's names are actually puns in Hebrew. It seems that the author of the above poem was engaging in this tradition: writing erotica under the guise of religious metaphor.Rabbinical scholars also taught that both men and women had a right to receive sexual pleasure in marriage.
Jesus did not seem bent on fundamentally reforming Jewish law and culture on sex and marriage. His only statement on the subject was that it was wrong for a man to divorce his wife for any reason, not just adultery. (Matthew 5:31,32, Luke 16:18). It is easy to see the Jewish context in which Jesus was arguing, and that he was only concerned about refining the existing law, not revolutionizing it. (However, Jesus also mentions in Mark 10:12 that a woman cannot divorce her husband and marry another man without committing adultery. Controversy surrounds the point of whether the woman in this case is the initiator of divorce, or merely has been divorced.)
So where did the sexual repression of the New Testament come from? It first surfaces in the writings of Paul, and worsens with the other apostles. That is because these writers generally come from the Greek world, where the anti-sexual philosophies of Greek Stoicism were dominant. Paul was born and raised in Tarsus, an important Greek trading port which was also the birthplace of two famous Stoic philosophers and the site of several excellent Greek schools. Christianity failed to take root in Israel, but it flourished in the Greco-Roman empire. As this new religion swept through that region, it absorbed the anti-sexual tenets of Greek philosophy and then spread them wherever the Christian empire spread, even to the shores of America. Those familiar with this history know that it is horrific; the Church Father Origen, for example, castrated himself in his fear that sexual temptation would deprive him of the kingdom of heaven. And women -- the purveyors of sexual evil -- were so vilified under Christian doctrine that the Inquisition tortured and murdered them for two centuries as "witches". For these reasons, European and American history is filled with a sexual repression and guilt that is unmatched anywhere in the world.
In summary, both the Old and New Testaments offer profound challenges to modern Christian conservatives who wish to quote the Bible as the basis of their political beliefs.
Collated by Drs. David B. Busch and James R. Starling, Madison, Wis.
CASE REPORTS
Case 1. A 39-year-old married white male lawyer presented with a self- inserted perfume bottle in his rectum that he was unable to remove using various objects, including a back scratcher. He had inserted this bottle on previous occasions. Edema of the rectum and sigmoid colon precluded the successful manual removal of the object in the emergency room. A pelvic x-ray film showed the object to be lodged 12 cm proximal to the dentate line. The 3 by 17 cm object, 'Impulse Body Spray,' was removed manually after a spinal anesthetic. The patient was discharged on the second postoperative day. He refused psychologic counseling.
Case 2. A 39-year-old white male was admitted to the University Hospital psychiatric service for evaluation of a 2-week history of bloody diarrhea and auditory hallucinations. Rectal examination revealed a foreign body approximately 3 cm above the anal verge. An x- ray film showed that it was 20 cm in length. The object could not be removed by manual or endoscopic means. The patient consented to extraction of the dildo under general anesthetic. Biopsy specimens of the hemorrhagic rectal mucosa were performed and were negative on Ziehl-Neelson stains for mycobacterial or cryptosporidium infection. The patient was discharged without complications the following day.
Case ReportsButt-related ItemsConcrete Enema Mix the Sad Truth about gerbilling An Unusual Delivery The Butthole Surfers Artillery Shell Substantiated!thanx to Kelvin Lau Paul Spinrad's 'Joseph Pujol, The Fartiste' So ISlipped in the Shower Annie D's'Using the word 'butt' in any sentence' pageThe100-Watt Bulb and the Bottle of Whiskey The Chronicles of Mistybutt I Took the Call--Anecdotes Butt Pirates of the Caribbean
ADVISORY -- ADULTS ONLY
The following text contains descriptions of erotic acts with plush stuffed animals ('plushies'). If you are a minor, or if you believe you may be offended by descriptions of eroticism with plush stuffed animals, please stop reading this text now.
Welcome to alt.sex.plushies!
alt.sex.plushies Frequently Asked Questions Version 3.1
(last revised 30 November 1999)
Table Of Contents:
1) What is 'alt.sex.plushies'?
2) What is a 'plushie'? What is a 'plushophile'?
3) What is a 'fursuit'?
4) What kinds of subjects are discussed on alt.sex.plushies?
5) How do people really feel about their plush companions?
6) Why be intimate with plushies instead of with people?
7) Just what exactly do people do with plushies, anyway?
8) I think I'd like to explore this. How should I begin?
9) Am I welcome here if I like plushies but don't have sex with them?
10) Why is there so little traffic on this newsgroup?
11) What other plushie newsgroups are on the net?
12) Are there any plushie web sites I can browse?
13) Are there fursuit web sites I can browse, too?
14) I've seen some unusual terms used here. What do they all mean?
15) What is the 'Plush Code'?
16) How can I clean a plushie?
17) How can I modify a plushie?
18) Where can I buy plushies on the net?
1) What is 'alt.sex.plushies'?
'alt.sex.plushies' is a newsgroup for adults who have special personal
feelings for plush stuffed animals (and plush puppets, too). It's
also a place where people talk about 'fursuits'. alt.sex.plushies was
newgrouped on August 9, 1994.
2) What is a 'plushie'? What is a 'plushophile'?
A 'plushie' is a plush stuffed animal, like a teddy bear. 'Plushie'
is also sometimes used as a short form for 'plushophile': an adult
who loves or is otherwise attracted to stuffed animals.
3) What is a 'fursuit'?
This is a full-body costume that makes the wearer look like a favorite
animal, or an animal character. Costumes like this are commonly seen
being worn by staff members at amusement parks dressing up as popular
cartoon characters. They're also seen at sporting events where the
team has a mascot in a costume. Since a person in a fursuit looks
(and feels) a lot like a 'living plushie', such costumes are
understandably popular with some plushophiles. Several of us here
have made or bought our own animal costumes.
4) What kinds of subjects are discussed on alt.sex.plushies?
Many people assume that the group is just for talking about sex,
sexual techniques, and ways to modify plushies to use them for sex.
While these subjects certainly all come up, they are far from the
only things that are discussed here. Some other topics that arise
are what kinds of plushies people have, what they look like, where to
buy them, how to make fursuits and other kinds of costumes, what kind
of plushie gatherings are coming up, and just plain conversation
between friends. alt.sex.plushies is a small, friendly group, and
nobody minds if a discussion drifts a bit away from the subject of
plushies now and then. About the only things that are unwelcome are
binary posts, and the SPAM advertisements that flood the whole
alt.sex.* hierarchy.
5) How do people really feel about their plush companions?
While most plushophiles probably feel at least some degree of affection
for their plushies, the ways they express it depend on the individual.
Some may view their plushies as just sex toys, while other plushophiles
love, even venerate their stuffed animals.
6) Why be intimate with plushies instead of with people?
You don't have to choose between one or the other - you can have both
plush and human partners at the same time - but the great thing about
stuffed animals is that they can always be there for you, whenever you
feel the need for intimacy. People can be 'too busy', 'too tired' or
'have a headache', but a plushie will never say 'No!' when you crave
closeness. Stuffed animals can be truly ideal companions. No plush
partner will ever break your heart, give you a disease, or hurt you in
any way. Plushies can bring pure, unfettered happiness into your life,
and if you're open to it, wonderful sensual experiences, as well.
7) Just what exactly do people do with plushies, anyway?
Probably the most common thing plushophiles do with their plushies is
to simply cuddle them. Many of us sleep with our stuffed animals, as
well. Concerning plush sex, two common methods are to hug a plushie
while pleasuring oneself, and to rub against the fur of the plushie
until achieving orgasm. Some people modify their plushies to form a
space for penetration. This can be as simple as an opened seam, or a
more elaborate insert can be constructed. People can also modify a
plushie with a penis-like attachment. Some plushophiles have such
strong feelings for plushies that they can make themselves peak just
by looking at one, or just sniffing its scent. Many other fetishes
can easily be combined with plush sex, as well. Also, you can involve
human partners with plush. Rubbing a plushie against a sex partner's
body is nice, as is 'sandwiching' a partner's body between yours and a
large plushie (or sandwiching the plushie), or frolicking with your
partner in a big pile of plush. The potential ways to use plushies
are really limited solely by the imagination. Indulge freely in your
fancies!
8) I think I'd like to explore this. How should I begin?
First and most importantly, find a stuffed animal that appeals to you
in a very personal way. It may take time, but eventually you'll find
one that's irresistible. If you currently have a stuffed animal that
you've got special feelings for, chances are you've already expressed
those emotions in some intimate manner. In general, probably the best
way to learn about plush love is to take your special plushie to bed
with you, and just cuddle at first. That might be as far as you want
to go, but if the sensations of softness, warmth and closeness bring
on arousal, simply follow your instincts. You'll find that plushies
make very nice love partners. They will gladly do anything you want
and any time you feel like it, so you can totally set your own pace.
Just start with cuddling, and sleeping with your special plushie(s),
and in time, you will learn all the Joys Of Plush(tm) for yourself.
9) Am I welcome here if I like plushies but don't have sex with them?
Certainly! Many of the posters here collect plushies for their
appearance, because they love animals, or various other non-sexual
reasons. There are plenty of things plush collectors can and do
discuss here, whether they are into sexual uses for plushies or not.
Please feel free to join such discussions or start new ones, and just
skip over any other topics that don't interest you. You'll find that
the majority of discussions here are actually not sexual, only a
minority of them are.
10) Why is there so little traffic on this newsgroup?
A lot of people stopped posting to alt.sex.plushies when the SPAM
advertisements flooded the group. a.s.p isn't completely dead, though.
Many of us still monitor the group for on-topic posts, and newcomers
are always welcome. Don't let the SPAM discourage you from joining us!
If you do post to a.s.p, though, *make sure* your Subject: line starts
with a tag like 'PLUSH:'. Most of us have filters that kill posts
whose Subject: line doesn't contain the word 'plush' or 'plushies'.
11) What other plushie newsgroups are on the net?
These Usenet newsgroups are devoted to stuffed animals, too:
alt.fan.plushies
alt.collecting.teddy-bears
alt.collecting.beanie-babies
alt.collecting.beanie-babies.forsale
alt.collecting.beanie-babies.uk
Plushie pictures can be posted to:
alt.binaries.pictures.plushies
alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.plushies
alt.binaries.erotica.beanie-babies
Also, 'alt.lifestyle.furry' is a 'furry' newsgroup where plushophilia
is on-topic, and 'de.alt.fan.pluesch' is a German plushie NG.
12) Are there any plushie web sites I can browse?
Of course! Here are a few for starters:
FoxWolfie Galen's Furry Plushie Page
http://velocity.net/~galen/
(Established in April 1994 - probably the first adult plushie page)
Max's Plushie Page
http://www.sonic.net/~maxi/plush.html
Plush Central
http://www.personal.isat.com/captpackrat/plush/
(Home of the plushieRing)
W e bKitty's Plushies Page
http://www2.hawaii.edu/~mivillan/plushies.html
(Discover 25 reasons why stuffed animals are better than men!)
BlayZe BrightScale's Page
http://come.to/blayze/
>From any of these sites, you can follow the 'PlushieRing' to a number
of other plush-lovers' webpages.
'Plushie Fandom!' is a message board and chat forum for plushophiles
on the World Wide Web. Come join us at:
http://www.delphi.com/plushie_fandom
13) Are there fursuit web sites I can browse, too?
One of the most comprehensive webpages on fursuits is at:
http://www.best.com/~nico/fursuit.cgi
There you will find links to many other fursuit-related webpages.
14) I've seen some unusual terms used here. What do they all mean?
We plushies have come up with a lot of unique jargon over the years.
You can look up the meaning of just about any word or abbreviation we
use at:
http://velocity.net/~galen/plushlex.txt
15) What is the 'Plush Code'?
It's a categorical code of letters and symbols that's used to summarize
ones personal plush preferences. The key to translate someone's Plush
Code can be found at:
http://velocity.net/~galen/plushcod.txt
16) How can I clean a plushie?
This subject is worthy of a FAQ by itself. It's a complex question,
not only because many stuffed animals have individual qualities that
require different approaches to cleaning, but also because it seems
most of us have different ideas about how to clean our plush friends.
As for myself, I think the best way to keep a stuffed animal clean is
to try not to get it dirty in the first place. Most importantly, I
always make sure *I* am clean before I handle or snuggle my plushies,
because inevitably, whatever grime is on my hands, clothes, or body is
going to end up in my cuddlemate's plush. Dirt, dust, body oil, sweat,
skin flakes, hair, lint, even the smoky fallout from one's kitchen -
all these foreign substances will accumulate in a plushie's fur over
time, and getting them out - especially if the fur has become tangled
or matted - can be a major chore. Since most stuffed animals are
'limited editions' which years from now won't be replaceable, keeping
a favorite plushie clean is crucial to prolonging its life.
On a week-to-week basis, the best thing to do for a regularly-cuddled
plushie is to give it a good thorough combing. This will minimize the
tendency for the fur to get tangled and matted. Plush that you have
around the house just for display purposes should be combed at least
once monthly to get the dust out of their fur. Make sure to use a comb
that is dedicated solely for the purpose of grooming your plushies,
though. Anything that is on a comb will work its way into a plushie's
fur, too, and you definitely don't want to get scalp oils, dander, or
the residue of styling gunk embedded into a stuffed animal's plush.
For simple clean-ups, there is an excellent commercial product called
'Bubble G u n d' that works wonders on plush that is moderately soiled.
Spray lightly onto the soiled area, rub it into the plush with a clean
dry towel, let it dry thoroughly, then buff the fur briskly with
another clean dry towel. The results are usually quite pleasing.
Sometimes, however, radical surgery is required to clean a seriously
dirty plushie. This should only be done, though, if you're skilled in
the art of sewing. Undo enough of the seams to completely remove the
stuffing, then hand-wash the plush 'skin' in a dilute solution of a
mild detergent like Woolite. After you're done with the hand-washing,
dry the fur by hand, as well. Re-stuff the plushie using only fresh
new Poly-fil (available at most arts and crafts stores), and re-sew.
Be aware that semen or vaginal fluid can mar plush fur if it's left to
dry untreated. If this concerns you, be sure to comb and dry the fur
thoroughly right after sex, and untangle all the stuck-together plush.
If the sexual fluid has already dried, re-moisten it with a damp
cloth, and then untangle the plush.
Whatever method you choose to clean a plushie, try to avoid soaking the
inner stuffing. Some stuffed animals are indeed made to be machine
washable, but most are not, and getting the stuffing wet will at best
make a plushie undesirably lumpy inside, and at worst, ruin it by
encouraging the internal growth of mold and mildew rot.
17) How can I modify a plushie?
As alluded to above, there are two principal ways people may modify
plushies for sex. One is to form a space for penetration. This type
of modification is called a 'strategically-placed hole' (SPH). The
other basic type of modification is to give a plushie a maleness, for
receptive sex, or simply for anatomical correctness. This is called
a 'strategically-placed appendage' (SPA). The specific techniques of
how to create these modifications are really beyond the scope of this
FAQ, however. If you have questions about mods, though, post them to
the group, and someone will likely know where or to whom to direct you.
18) Where can I buy plushies on the net?
This FAQ used to include a list of plushie resources on the Internet,
but it became too much work to keep it updated. If you'd like to view
this list, go to one of the three sites below, but bear in mind that
each of the new hosts have permission to modify the resources list as
they wish, so the info available at these sites may differ.
http://velocity.net/~galen/sources.html (or */sources.txt)
http://www.spottycat.com/marlos/plushres.html (includes updated info
for Canadian plushie resources)
http://www.sonic.net/~maxi/plushres.txt
I do it wrong
Laying here in the shadows of my room, I squint up at my love. My Ms. Portman. I am sore and tired after fucking her for eight solid hours. My chapped and aching dick is soaking in grits to relieve the pain. She gets on her knees and starts lapping the grits up out of the bowl. She places her beautiful hands on my penis and starts to lick the grits off my achy piece.
Massaging my nutsack she....
WAIT, I DO IT WRONG!!!!
Yanking my dick out of her mouth I throw her to the ground and shove it in to her gaping freshly fisted ass. [goatse.cx]
"OH BIG ASS SPORK!! Fuck my ass, fuck my ass good. DEEPER, my stallion, deeper!! Make a Beowulf cluster of sperm on my back!!"
"Imagine a Beowulf cluster of this baby!"
I DO IT WRONG!!!!
I continue to hump her alabaster form. Glistening with beads of sweat, she bites her lip in delight as I tear her ass open with my engorged dick.
"Queen Amidala!!" I shreik as I near climax.
She looks up at me and screams, "You are so alive in me, unlike *BSD or VA Software!!! Fill me with seed!! Yes, Yes, Yess!!!!"
"For me you are calling, hhhmmm?"
"YODA?!? What the fuck, can't you see I am using the force here?"
He savagely kicks my Natalie aside, he pulls out his large green penis and impales me...
I DO IT WRONG!!
All your sporkz are belong to the dead homiez!!
I DO IT WRONG!!! Friday December 14, @11:02AM
I do it wrong
Laying here in the shadows of my room, I squint up at my love. My Ms. Portman. I am sore and tired after fucking her for eight solid hours. My chapped and aching dick is soaking in grits to relieve the pain. She gets on her knees and starts lapping the grits up out of the bowl. She places her beautiful hands on my penis and starts to lick the grits off my achy piece.
Massaging my nutsack she....
WAIT, I DO IT WRONG!!!!
Yanking my dick out of her mouth I throw her to the ground and shove it in to her gaping freshly fisted ass.
"OH BIG ASS SPORK!! Fuck my ass, fuck my ass good. DEEPER, my stallion, deeper!! Make a Beowulf cluster of sperm on my back!!"
"Imagine a Beowulf cluster of this baby!"
I DO IT WRONG!!!!
Trolling for Chuy Tuesday December 11, @03:42PM It is a well known fact that Jesus, AKA the Lord, OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR, Son of God, Chuy, etc... Was in fact a troll. This whole turn the other cheek thing, for example is a fairly obvious troll. If only they had a moderation system in the first few years of the common era, this could have been mod'd out of our view.
There are other examples of Jesus trolling his disciples. Stopping the flow of blood for that old lady, for example. He invented the tampax, and trolled it as a miracle. The list could surely continue.
In conclussion, let us all make WWJD our mantra. Let us troll for Jesus.
---
ADDENDUM: This troll has been mod'd up (+1 Funny), this is a scary world we live in!
This is version 0.6 of a troll HOWTO, sort of a companion piece to jsm's excellent troll FAQ. As a draft, comments and criticism are always welcome, if not appreciated :)
Section 1 - Trolling techniquesThere are techniques used by successful trolls to elicit the maximum amount of responses from unthinking /.ers. This section is dedicated to explaining how
to use these in the course of your trolls. Remember though, a great troll can
break any or all of these and still be successful...
- Timing
- Exposure
- Accounts
- Layout
- Size
- Spelling
- Subject
- Style
- Linking
- Feeding
- Know your audience
- Arrogance
- Offensiveness
- Indifference
- Sympathy
- The common touch
- The 31337 touch
- Contradiction
- Denial
- Claiming credit
- Ending the troll
- The cheap $3 crack
Section 2 - Types of trollBecause you're posting as an AC, your troll will generally be ignored in favour of posters using their accounts, and so getting in early is essential. A good guideline is to get into the first 20 posts, so that people reading the article will see the troll before it is swamped out. One way of increasing the speed with which you get your troll into play is to prepare them beforehand, and then quickly customise them for the current article. This is easier than it sounds since /. typically repeats stories with small variations and runs lots of
similar stories.
Note that this is why Jon Katz stories are pretty worthless as trolling material - by the time you've found the article and prepared a troll there's already 50+ posts on it, most of them flaming Jon Katz anyway :)
Once you've got your troll in, you need people to actually read it. You also want replies - /.ers are more likely to read your troll if it starts a large
thread. You also want to remember that some people have set their comment
thresholds to values higher than 0 - to get the attention of these you either
want to get your post moderated up (see Style, below) or get a reply which gets
moderated up to 4 or 5, in which case your troll becomes visible to all.
An alternative to the time-honoured tradition of AC trolling is that of creating a "troll" account. This gives you the advantage of posting at 1 rather than 0, and slashbots are more likely to take you seriously, especially if you at least sound reasonable. If you do this, try to avoid posting stuff where it is obvious you're a troll under the account - post it anoymously instead - some slightly more canny readers actually check your user info before they reply. Not many though :)
The ultimate goal of the troll account is to secure the +1 bonus, which is currently received once you hit 26 points of Karma. To get there, employ the techniques of karma whoring that we see every day on /. and watch the karma roll
in. And of course once you get the +1 bonus, the world is your oyster in terms
of /. Posts made at a default of 2 hit even those people with the threshold of
2, are more likely to get moderated up even further if they are at all coherent,
and people tend to lose their critical thinking abilities in the face of the +1
bonus. Milk it for all it's worth.
To get people reading it a troll needs to be easily readable. Make sure you break it down into easily digestible paragraphs, use HTML tags where appropriate (but always make sure you close them properly) and use whitespace appropriately.
Generally a troll shouldn't be too short, otherwise it'll get lost in the crowd. A workable minimum is a couple of medium paragraphs. Conversely, it shouldn't be too long, or no-one will bother to read it. Keep it to a happy medium.
Whilst spelling is important if you want the troll to be taken "seriously", key spelling mistakes can draw out the spelling zealots, especially if you mis-spell the name of a venerated /. hero, like Linus Torveldes or Richard
Strawlman (thanks dmg). Related to this is the use of the wrong word, explaining
an acronym as being something it isn't or making a word into an acronym even
when it isn't.
The subject line needs to draw attention to your post without making it obvious that it is a troll. A simple statement of the main point of your argument can work here.
Once you realise that most moderators don't bother to read past the first paragraph or two, you can use this fact to craft trolls that can be moderated up as "Insightful" (note that I mean this in the /. sense rather than the
real-world sense). Start off fairly reasonable, making statements that are /.
friendly and not being too controversial. As the troll goes on, make it more and
more controversial, building it up for the coup de grace in the final
paragraph.
As we all know, a post with links is considered "informative" by the /. crowd. Moderators love it, and they rarely
check the links, so be sure to include as many as possible. And make them wrong
- a link to the Perl website should instead
point to the Python website instead, and vice
versa. The other alternative to incorrect links is "useful" links to places like
www.linux.org and www.microsoft.com i.e. places /.ers could
never have found on their own :)
The ideal troll requires no feeding - it runs on its own, generating flamewars between clueless /.ers for your amusement. But often a troll requires
some help and so you should consider feeding it. Feeding is best reserved for
people making either completely clueless responses, people making responses with
holes in, or those wonderful people who write a 2000-word point-by-point
rebuttal of your troll.
Always keep in mind the kind of things advocated on /. so that you can play
on and against them. This is why anti-Linux, creationist, gun-loving,
pro-corporation trolls work well - the vast majority of /.ers hold the opposite
viewpoints. And if a few people agree with you, so much the better - it merely
validates your viewpoint in the eyes of readers.
Be arrogant. You, as a troll, know that you're right. No other explanation could exist. The wronger the "fact", the more assertively you should state it. Make it clear that you are better than everyone else - you know the truth and they are just too stupid to realise it. Use plenty of sarcasm, and use "quotes" to show it to people too dumb to realise.
Being offensive in your initial troll can be counter-productive - it causes moderators to mark you down as flamebait in general. But if you're feeding, then you can get away with calling /.ers all kinds of things. Make broad
generalisations about /. readers - call them "long-haired Linux zealots",
"socialist open-source bigots" or whatever. Stereotyping is encouraged - people
always want to think that they're an individual, and will point this out to you
given half a chance.
Great for articles with a political or social bent, this kind of troll expresses complete indifference to the topic at hand, wondering who on Earth cares about it. An alternative method is to say that the topic only concerns a certain group of people - criminals, idiots, hackers (always use this instead of crackers) or whatever group you want to offend.
Appear to take the same stance as the people you're trying to troll - claim you're as much a fan of Linux as the next man, but... This way you can make all kinds of claims in the sure knowledge that you actually know what you're talking about. A great phrase to use here is "In my experience". Remember to act like all the things you're pointing out are unfortunate but true.
Always accuse /.ers of being elitist. This is an easy thing to do seeing as a
lot of them are. Claim that is their grandmother couldn't use it, then they are
just into it to feel better than Joe Sixpack rather than "doing it for the
average user". This is always great for working into anti-Linux trolls - attack
command-line tools and poorly designed desktops.
The opposite of the above. Claim that technology or whatever is only for the elite of society and that any attempt to open it up for everyone is wrong, an attack on intellectualism and possibly even dangerous. If people were meant to understand these things then they would, and it's their fault if they're too stupid to learn.
Never be afraid to contradict yourself, even in the space of a single sentence. The phrases "I am a top programmer who codes in VB" or "I am a supporter of open source who uses NT at work and 95 at home" will be sure to get a response from some weenie smugly pointing out the contradiction. Confuse the issue more by engaging in contradiction when you are feeding - this will confuse /.ers who will then make even more stupid replies, leaving them even more wide
open for response.
Clues
If you're feeling brave, give the reader clues that this is an obvious troll. The classic example here is dmg's stock phrase "I am often accused of trolling (whatever that is)", but also feel free to use phrases like "I have not read the article, and I don't know much about XYZ but I feel I must comment". If anyone responds to a troll with these kinds of clues in it, feel free to bask in the glow of knee-jerk /. responses.
If you're unlucky someone will accuse you of being a troll (surely not!) and try and ruin it for you. If you don't want it all to end there, then be sure to counter it by accusing them of being small-minded and petty, saying that it's easier for them to say it's a troll than to accept that people have different opinions. Be sure to say this in the subject line, especially if their subject was the infamous "YHBT. YHL. HAND."
Given that /. has its community of regular trolls (hi guys!), it's only
polite to publish your troll on one of the so-called "hidden" forums for all to
see and admire. This way, you get to bask in the praise of other trolls, they
get to contribute to your's if they want to, and you get an easy way to find the
troll later on when you want to check on its progress :)
As for when to post it, that's a matter of opinion really. You can either post it straight away or leave it will after people start biting. Remember that the troll forum is also frequented by non-trolls, and sometimes you may get a self-declared "troll-buster" try and expose you. But remember, /.ers always post
before thinking, and often it doesn't matter at all.
There is no real current forum at the moment thanks to various spammers hitting the sids, but try trolltalk, the original troll sid started by 80md and osm way back in the day. Generally all postings are done there as an AC, with your name at the end of the post. Include a link to the troll somewhere in the text, which ideally will be directly to the post and its replies - click on the #XX link in the thread to get there.
Sometimes you just get bored with a troll, or people start posting genuinely thoughtful stuff in reply (it does happen). When this happens it might be time to own up to the troll with a helpful "YHBT. YHL. HAND." post. Sometimes people will carry on a discussion of the issue, and if you're really lucky (and it was a great troll) they will completely fail to believe you and carry on arguing. If that happens, pat yourself on the back for writing a great troll :)
Finally, when all else fails and your troll gets moderated down to (-1, Troll) within ten seconds of you posting it, the only honourable thing to do is to accuse the moderators of smoking the cheap $3 crack (again) and give up :(
- The Maniac
- The Right-Wing Maniac
- Religion
- Ideology
- Software
- Guns
- The Expert
- Industry knowledge
- Helpful hints
- Offtopic Trolls
- The serial troll
- The random troll
- The vaguely related troll
- If it's funny for a fleeting moment, then it's worth posting.
- Puns. Puns are only less vile than mimes, but it's hard to mime on
/. So
feel free/obligated to litter your offtopic and random bits with puns. Hurt the
bastards. And if they're sick enough to laugh at them, then they'll eventually
end up here ;-)
- Obscure cultural references and injokes are always good. SOMEONE will get
them eventually.
- Several drafts of a serial or random post are common, but true elegance is
being able to come up with something on the spot that still makes the top 40
posts (on a post-heavy article)
Section 3 - Useful trolling linksProbably the most popular kind of troll, the Maniac holds an opinion on something, and won't budge from that opinion no matter what evidence to the contrary is presented. If challenged, the Maniac will simply get more and more agitated and abusive, deriding his opponents as "idiots", "wrong-thinking", "dangerous" and "subversive". Generally the Maniac takes a position that opposes the prevalent /. beliefs, but a similar effect can be achieved by taking a
typical /. viewpoint and pushing it to ridiculous extremes.
Maniacs can be crafted for practically every article /. posts, although some
are more obvious targets than others. Civil liberty articles, especially on
things like censorship, DMCA, UCITA that really get /.ers riled up, are usually
extremely fruitful grounds for a well-crafted maniac. The other obvious type of
article is anything which could possibly involve religion, especially evolution :)
Here are some fruitful avenues to explore:
Always popular, the right-wing maniac (RWM) is a God-fearing, gun-toting, flag-waving American, and proud of it. They don't care about the rest of the world, unless it's to "prove" that America is better than everything else, and they cannot stand liberal whining over civil rights. They hate the moral decay of America and want it to revert into a nation of heterosexual, Christian whites like it was meant to be. Woe betide anyone that dares to suggest otherwise.
There are two ways to approach this kind of maniac. The harder to pull off is the militant atheist, but this is quite common amongst /. posters and you would
have to be very offensive to get this to work. Of course with religion trolls,
the argument can go on for ever once it's started... The more common approach is
the Christian fundamentalist. They are ignorant, intolerant and bigoted in the
extreme. For them the Bible is the inerrant word of God revealed to man - it
contains no flaws and no contradictions. Thus they are strict Creationists -
mentions of evolution or cosmology will set them off on vitriolic rants. Flaming
denunciations of anyone daring to contradict the "Word of God" are the way to
go, and any kind of proof can always be ignored by appealing to "secular
humanist brainwashing". And let's not forget, the USA is the greatest nation on
Earth because it has the righteous power of Jesus Christ behind it.
Pick a philosophy, any philosophy. This troll is a troll with a cause - they have found some kind of ideological truth, and are out to expose every other philosophy as a sham. Whether it be libertarianism, objectivism, communism or capitalism, this troll will point out the obvious "flaws" in any other philosophies, whilst spouting dogma about their own. And the best thing is - you don't even need to know that much about what you're spouting - making doctrinaire mistakes will get both sides of the argument flaming you, adding to the fun.
This is an old favourite and crops up in many forms, covering the gamut from OS maniacs (Linux zealots, MS-apologists or embittered BSD fanatics), language maniacs (Pascal vs. C, C vs. C++, C++ vs. Java, Perl vs. Python, VB vs. everything), application maniacs(GIMP vs. Photoshop, Netscape vs. IE, vi vs. emacs) and also includes people who complain about how technology should only be for the 31337 hackers.
Americans love their guns, and will always fight passionately for their Constitutionally guarenteed rights to bear arms and shoot people. Even the slightest hint of criticism of this will bring down the wrath of a thousand and one enraged gun-owners on you, so it's always a great point to work into a troll :)
The Expert is someone who is "savvy" in their particular field, and is perfectly willing to give their opinion on any topic even vauguely related to their field. The Expert is most likely to be from a field which /.ers as a rule
despise - the classic example is dumb marketing guy, but try consultants,
lawyers, politicians, lobbyists, executives, journalists (just think Jon Katz).
With this kind of troll sweeping statements with little content are the norm,
along wire dire portents of future catastrophe and dark hints of "insider
knowledge".
Some possible angles to exploit:
The expert knows the computing industry from the inside - as a long-term pro, they can dispense knowledge knowing that they can "speak for the industry". Their smug self-satisfaction is bound to annoy, as is any suggestion that things aren't the way that /.ers would like it - saying "Linux requires the rock-solid
guarantee of a trusted company like Microsoft" or "Apache cannot be trusted for
mission-critical enterprise platforms" is guaranteed to get you denials
explaining exactly why you're wrong, in excruciating detail.
With their tech-savvy (or law-savvy or whatever) experience, the expert is obviously the best person to point out what's wrong with things or to give out useful "factual" information. In fact this probably works best with lawyer trolls - for all that /.ers protest "IANAL", they certainly seem to think they
could be, and any mistakes you make will send them rushing to prove themselves
by correcting you.
Not really a "troll" in the strict Jargon File sense of the word, but they certainly should be included here :) This category includes parodies, offtopic
weirdness any all kinds of amusing stuff. Not really my area of expertise, this
stuff is mainly done by gnarphlager and opensourceman. Thanks to gnarphlager for
this section.
Offtopic trolls, like any other, come in almost as many colours as an iMac, but generally not as cute. But then again, a good offtopic "troll" can affect more people than a repulsive little gumdrop on your desk, because you need to have someone SEE your desk before they can react. Simple? Moreso than even my overblown prose could indicate. Some basic examples:
Write a story. Keep expanding it. It doesn't matter what article you post it under, so long as it's high up. If you want people to recognize you, pick a couple themes or symbols, and carry them on throughout the story. Other alternatives include back linking or including the entire story, but adding more each time. Be funny if you want. Or if you don't feel like being funny, just be really weird. Someone will react.
This has nothing to do with anything. Be it a stream of consciousness rant, or a description of the corner of your desk. Another favorite is a monologue, read as if spoken from any one given entity to another. The more outlandish, the better (a pair of socks talking to a mousepad, for example). If you really wanted to be artsy, work in an actual metaphor or legitimate meaning behind it, but it's not necessary.
Start out with a comment about the article. Have a definite opinion of it. Then, after a little while, disintegrate into randomness. All roads eventually can eventually lead to cheese (yum), Natalie Portman, cannibalism, toasters, squirrels, futons, you name it. All it takes is a little bit of creativity. Oh, and feel free to use other trolls' motifs. Open source and all that ;-)
General tips:
The following links contain background information useful for trolls needing quick quotes and "expert" opinions to include.
© spiralx, I did not write this ;)
This is version 0.6 of a troll HOWTO, sort of a companion piece to jsm's excellent troll FAQ. As a draft, comments and criticism are always welcome, if not appreciated :)
Section 1 - Trolling techniquesThere are techniques used by successful trolls to elicit the maximum amount of responses from unthinking /.ers. This section is dedicated to explaining how
to use these in the course of your trolls. Remember though, a great troll can
break any or all of these and still be successful...
- Timing
- Exposure
- Accounts
- Layout
- Size
- Spelling
- Subject
- Style
- Linking
- Feeding
- Know your audience
- Arrogance
- Offensiveness
- Indifference
- Sympathy
- The common touch
- The 31337 touch
- Contradiction
- Denial
- Claiming credit
- Ending the troll
- The cheap $3 crack
Section 2 - Types of trollBecause you're posting as an AC, your troll will generally be ignored in favour of posters using their accounts, and so getting in early is essential. A good guideline is to get into the first 20 posts, so that people reading the article will see the troll before it is swamped out. One way of increasing the speed with which you get your troll into play is to prepare them beforehand, and then quickly customise them for the current article. This is easier than it sounds since /. typically repeats stories with small variations and runs lots of
similar stories.
Note that this is why Jon Katz stories are pretty worthless as trolling material - by the time you've found the article and prepared a troll there's already 50+ posts on it, most of them flaming Jon Katz anyway :)
Once you've got your troll in, you need people to actually read it. You also want replies - /.ers are more likely to read your troll if it starts a large
thread. You also want to remember that some people have set their comment
thresholds to values higher than 0 - to get the attention of these you either
want to get your post moderated up (see Style, below) or get a reply which gets
moderated up to 4 or 5, in which case your troll becomes visible to all.
An alternative to the time-honoured tradition of AC trolling is that of creating a "troll" account. This gives you the advantage of posting at 1 rather than 0, and slashbots are more likely to take you seriously, especially if you at least sound reasonable. If you do this, try to avoid posting stuff where it is obvious you're a troll under the account - post it anoymously instead - some slightly more canny readers actually check your user info before they reply. Not many though :)
The ultimate goal of the troll account is to secure the +1 bonus, which is currently received once you hit 26 points of Karma. To get there, employ the techniques of karma whoring that we see every day on /. and watch the karma roll
in. And of course once you get the +1 bonus, the world is your oyster in terms
of /. Posts made at a default of 2 hit even those people with the threshold of
2, are more likely to get moderated up even further if they are at all coherent,
and people tend to lose their critical thinking abilities in the face of the +1
bonus. Milk it for all it's worth.
To get people reading it a troll needs to be easily readable. Make sure you break it down into easily digestible paragraphs, use HTML tags where appropriate (but always make sure you close them properly) and use whitespace appropriately.
Generally a troll shouldn't be too short, otherwise it'll get lost in the crowd. A workable minimum is a couple of medium paragraphs. Conversely, it shouldn't be too long, or no-one will bother to read it. Keep it to a happy medium.
Whilst spelling is important if you want the troll to be taken "seriously", key spelling mistakes can draw out the spelling zealots, especially if you mis-spell the name of a venerated /. hero, like Linus Torveldes or Richard
Strawlman (thanks dmg). Related to this is the use of the wrong word, explaining
an acronym as being something it isn't or making a word into an acronym even
when it isn't.
The subject line needs to draw attention to your post without making it obvious that it is a troll. A simple statement of the main point of your argument can work here.
Once you realise that most moderators don't bother to read past the first paragraph or two, you can use this fact to craft trolls that can be moderated up as "Insightful" (note that I mean this in the /. sense rather than the
real-world sense). Start off fairly reasonable, making statements that are /.
friendly and not being too controversial. As the troll goes on, make it more and
more controversial, building it up for the coup de grace in the final
paragraph.
As we all know, a post with links is considered "informative" by the /. crowd. Moderators love it, and they rarely
check the links, so be sure to include as many as possible. And make them wrong
- a link to the Perl website should instead
point to the Python website instead, and vice
versa. The other alternative to incorrect links is "useful" links to places like
www.linux.org and www.microsoft.com i.e. places /.ers could
never have found on their own :)
The ideal troll requires no feeding - it runs on its own, generating flamewars between clueless /.ers for your amusement. But often a troll requires
some help and so you should consider feeding it. Feeding is best reserved for
people making either completely clueless responses, people making responses with
holes in, or those wonderful people who write a 2000-word point-by-point
rebuttal of your troll.
Always keep in mind the kind of things advocated on /. so that you can play
on and against them. This is why anti-Linux, creationist, gun-loving,
pro-corporation trolls work well - the vast majority of /.ers hold the opposite
viewpoints. And if a few people agree with you, so much the better - it merely
validates your viewpoint in the eyes of readers.
Be arrogant. You, as a troll, know that you're right. No other explanation could exist. The wronger the "fact", the more assertively you should state it. Make it clear that you are better than everyone else - you know the truth and they are just too stupid to realise it. Use plenty of sarcasm, and use "quotes" to show it to people too dumb to realise.
Being offensive in your initial troll can be counter-productive - it causes moderators to mark you down as flamebait in general. But if you're feeding, then you can get away with calling /.ers all kinds of things. Make broad
generalisations about /. readers - call them "long-haired Linux zealots",
"socialist open-source bigots" or whatever. Stereotyping is encouraged - people
always want to think that they're an individual, and will point this out to you
given half a chance.
Great for articles with a political or social bent, this kind of troll expresses complete indifference to the topic at hand, wondering who on Earth cares about it. An alternative method is to say that the topic only concerns a certain group of people - criminals, idiots, hackers (always use this instead of crackers) or whatever group you want to offend.
Appear to take the same stance as the people you're trying to troll - claim you're as much a fan of Linux as the next man, but... This way you can make all kinds of claims in the sure knowledge that you actually know what you're talking about. A great phrase to use here is "In my experience". Remember to act like all the things you're pointing out are unfortunate but true.
Always accuse /.ers of being elitist. This is an easy thing to do seeing as a
lot of them are. Claim that is their grandmother couldn't use it, then they are
just into it to feel better than Joe Sixpack rather than "doing it for the
average user". This is always great for working into anti-Linux trolls - attack
command-line tools and poorly designed desktops.
The opposite of the above. Claim that technology or whatever is only for the elite of society and that any attempt to open it up for everyone is wrong, an attack on intellectualism and possibly even dangerous. If people were meant to understand these things then they would, and it's their fault if they're too stupid to learn.
Never be afraid to contradict yourself, even in the space of a single sentence. The phrases "I am a top programmer who codes in VB" or "I am a supporter of open source who uses NT at work and 95 at home" will be sure to get a response from some weenie smugly pointing out the contradiction. Confuse the issue more by engaging in contradiction when you are feeding - this will confuse /.ers who will then make even more stupid replies, leaving them even more wide
open for response.
Clues
If you're feeling brave, give the reader clues that this is an obvious troll. The classic example here is dmg's stock phrase "I am often accused of trolling (whatever that is)", but also feel free to use phrases like "I have not read the article, and I don't know much about XYZ but I feel I must comment". If anyone responds to a troll with these kinds of clues in it, feel free to bask in the glow of knee-jerk /. responses.
If you're unlucky someone will accuse you of being a troll (surely not!) and try and ruin it for you. If you don't want it all to end there, then be sure to counter it by accusing them of being small-minded and petty, saying that it's easier for them to say it's a troll than to accept that people have different opinions. Be sure to say this in the subject line, especially if their subject was the infamous "YHBT. YHL. HAND."
Given that /. has its community of regular trolls (hi guys!), it's only
polite to publish your troll on one of the so-called "hidden" forums for all to
see and admire. This way, you get to bask in the praise of other trolls, they
get to contribute to your's if they want to, and you get an easy way to find the
troll later on when you want to check on its progress :)
As for when to post it, that's a matter of opinion really. You can either post it straight away or leave it will after people start biting. Remember that the troll forum is also frequented by non-trolls, and sometimes you may get a self-declared "troll-buster" try and expose you. But remember, /.ers always post
before thinking, and often it doesn't matter at all.
There is no real current forum at the moment thanks to various spammers hitting the sids, but try trolltalk, the original troll sid started by 80md and osm way back in the day. Generally all postings are done there as an AC, with your name at the end of the post. Include a link to the troll somewhere in the text, which ideally will be directly to the post and its replies - click on the #XX link in the thread to get there.
Sometimes you just get bored with a troll, or people start posting genuinely thoughtful stuff in reply (it does happen). When this happens it might be time to own up to the troll with a helpful "YHBT. YHL. HAND." post. Sometimes people will carry on a discussion of the issue, and if you're really lucky (and it was a great troll) they will completely fail to believe you and carry on arguing. If that happens, pat yourself on the back for writing a great troll :)
Finally, when all else fails and your troll gets moderated down to (-1, Troll) within ten seconds of you posting it, the only honourable thing to do is to accuse the moderators of smoking the cheap $3 crack (again) and give up :(
- The Maniac
- The Right-Wing Maniac
- Religion
- Ideology
- Software
- Guns
- The Expert
- Industry knowledge
- Helpful hints
- Offtopic Trolls
- The serial troll
- The random troll
- The vaguely related troll
- If it's funny for a fleeting moment, then it's worth posting.
- Puns. Puns are only less vile than mimes, but it's hard to mime on
/. So
feel free/obligated to litter your offtopic and random bits with puns. Hurt the
bastards. And if they're sick enough to laugh at them, then they'll eventually
end up here ;-)
- Obscure cultural references and injokes are always good. SOMEONE will get
them eventually.
- Several drafts of a serial or random post are common, but true elegance is
being able to come up with something on the spot that still makes the top 40
posts (on a post-heavy article)
Section 3 - Useful trolling linksProbably the most popular kind of troll, the Maniac holds an opinion on something, and won't budge from that opinion no matter what evidence to the contrary is presented. If challenged, the Maniac will simply get more and more agitated and abusive, deriding his opponents as "idiots", "wrong-thinking", "dangerous" and "subversive". Generally the Maniac takes a position that opposes the prevalent /. beliefs, but a similar effect can be achieved by taking a
typical /. viewpoint and pushing it to ridiculous extremes.
Maniacs can be crafted for practically every article /. posts, although some
are more obvious targets than others. Civil liberty articles, especially on
things like censorship, DMCA, UCITA that really get /.ers riled up, are usually
extremely fruitful grounds for a well-crafted maniac. The other obvious type of
article is anything which could possibly involve religion, especially evolution :)
Here are some fruitful avenues to explore:
Always popular, the right-wing maniac (RWM) is a God-fearing, gun-toting, flag-waving American, and proud of it. They don't care about the rest of the world, unless it's to "prove" that America is better than everything else, and they cannot stand liberal whining over civil rights. They hate the moral decay of America and want it to revert into a nation of heterosexual, Christian whites like it was meant to be. Woe betide anyone that dares to suggest otherwise.
There are two ways to approach this kind of maniac. The harder to pull off is the militant atheist, but this is quite common amongst /. posters and you would
have to be very offensive to get this to work. Of course with religion trolls,
the argument can go on for ever once it's started... The more common approach is
the Christian fundamentalist. They are ignorant, intolerant and bigoted in the
extreme. For them the Bible is the inerrant word of God revealed to man - it
contains no flaws and no contradictions. Thus they are strict Creationists -
mentions of evolution or cosmology will set them off on vitriolic rants. Flaming
denunciations of anyone daring to contradict the "Word of God" are the way to
go, and any kind of proof can always be ignored by appealing to "secular
humanist brainwashing". And let's not forget, the USA is the greatest nation on
Earth because it has the righteous power of Jesus Christ behind it.
Pick a philosophy, any philosophy. This troll is a troll with a cause - they have found some kind of ideological truth, and are out to expose every other philosophy as a sham. Whether it be libertarianism, objectivism, communism or capitalism, this troll will point out the obvious "flaws" in any other philosophies, whilst spouting dogma about their own. And the best thing is - you don't even need to know that much about what you're spouting - making doctrinaire mistakes will get both sides of the argument flaming you, adding to the fun.
This is an old favourite and crops up in many forms, covering the gamut from OS maniacs (Linux zealots, MS-apologists or embittered BSD fanatics), language maniacs (Pascal vs. C, C vs. C++, C++ vs. Java, Perl vs. Python, VB vs. everything), application maniacs(GIMP vs. Photoshop, Netscape vs. IE, vi vs. emacs) and also includes people who complain about how technology should only be for the 31337 hackers.
Americans love their guns, and will always fight passionately for their Constitutionally guarenteed rights to bear arms and shoot people. Even the slightest hint of criticism of this will bring down the wrath of a thousand and one enraged gun-owners on you, so it's always a great point to work into a troll :)
The Expert is someone who is "savvy" in their particular field, and is perfectly willing to give their opinion on any topic even vauguely related to their field. The Expert is most likely to be from a field which /.ers as a rule
despise - the classic example is dumb marketing guy, but try consultants,
lawyers, politicians, lobbyists, executives, journalists (just think Jon Katz).
With this kind of troll sweeping statements with little content are the norm,
along wire dire portents of future catastrophe and dark hints of "insider
knowledge".
Some possible angles to exploit:
The expert knows the computing industry from the inside - as a long-term pro, they can dispense knowledge knowing that they can "speak for the industry". Their smug self-satisfaction is bound to annoy, as is any suggestion that things aren't the way that /.ers would like it - saying "Linux requires the rock-solid
guarantee of a trusted company like Microsoft" or "Apache cannot be trusted for
mission-critical enterprise platforms" is guaranteed to get you denials
explaining exactly why you're wrong, in excruciating detail.
With their tech-savvy (or law-savvy or whatever) experience, the expert is obviously the best person to point out what's wrong with things or to give out useful "factual" information. In fact this probably works best with lawyer trolls - for all that /.ers protest "IANAL", they certainly seem to think they
could be, and any mistakes you make will send them rushing to prove themselves
by correcting you.
Not really a "troll" in the strict Jargon File sense of the word, but they certainly should be included here :) This category includes parodies, offtopic
weirdness any all kinds of amusing stuff. Not really my area of expertise, this
stuff is mainly done by gnarphlager and opensourceman. Thanks to gnarphlager for
this section.
Offtopic trolls, like any other, come in almost as many colours as an iMac, but generally not as cute. But then again, a good offtopic "troll" can affect more people than a repulsive little gumdrop on your desk, because you need to have someone SEE your desk before they can react. Simple? Moreso than even my overblown prose could indicate. Some basic examples:
Write a story. Keep expanding it. It doesn't matter what article you post it under, so long as it's high up. If you want people to recognize you, pick a couple themes or symbols, and carry them on throughout the story. Other alternatives include back linking or including the entire story, but adding more each time. Be funny if you want. Or if you don't feel like being funny, just be really weird. Someone will react.
This has nothing to do with anything. Be it a stream of consciousness rant, or a description of the corner of your desk. Another favorite is a monologue, read as if spoken from any one given entity to another. The more outlandish, the better (a pair of socks talking to a mousepad, for example). If you really wanted to be artsy, work in an actual metaphor or legitimate meaning behind it, but it's not necessary.
Start out with a comment about the article. Have a definite opinion of it. Then, after a little while, disintegrate into randomness. All roads eventually can eventually lead to cheese (yum), Natalie Portman, cannibalism, toasters, squirrels, futons, you name it. All it takes is a little bit of creativity. Oh, and feel free to use other trolls' motifs. Open source and all that ;-)
General tips:
The following links contain background information useful for trolls needing quick quotes and "expert" opinions to include.
© spiralx, I did not write this ;)
This is version 0.6 of a troll HOWTO, sort of a companion piece to jsm's excellent troll FAQ. As a draft, comments and criticism are always welcome, if not appreciated :)
Section 1 - Trolling techniquesThere are techniques used by successful trolls to elicit the maximum amount of responses from unthinking /.ers. This section is dedicated to explaining how
to use these in the course of your trolls. Remember though, a great troll can
break any or all of these and still be successful...
- Timing
- Exposure
- Accounts
- Layout
- Size
- Spelling
- Subject
- Style
- Linking
- Feeding
- Know your audience
- Arrogance
- Offensiveness
- Indifference
- Sympathy
- The common touch
- The 31337 touch
- Contradiction
- Denial
- Claiming credit
- Ending the troll
- The cheap $3 crack
Section 2 - Types of trollBecause you're posting as an AC, your troll will generally be ignored in favour of posters using their accounts, and so getting in early is essential. A good guideline is to get into the first 20 posts, so that people reading the article will see the troll before it is swamped out. One way of increasing the speed with which you get your troll into play is to prepare them beforehand, and then quickly customise them for the current article. This is easier than it sounds since /. typically repeats stories with small variations and runs lots of
similar stories.
Note that this is why Jon Katz stories are pretty worthless as trolling material - by the time you've found the article and prepared a troll there's already 50+ posts on it, most of them flaming Jon Katz anyway :)
Once you've got your troll in, you need people to actually read it. You also want replies - /.ers are more likely to read your troll if it starts a large
thread. You also want to remember that some people have set their comment
thresholds to values higher than 0 - to get the attention of these you either
want to get your post moderated up (see Style, below) or get a reply which gets
moderated up to 4 or 5, in which case your troll becomes visible to all.
An alternative to the time-honoured tradition of AC trolling is that of creating a "troll" account. This gives you the advantage of posting at 1 rather than 0, and slashbots are more likely to take you seriously, especially if you at least sound reasonable. If you do this, try to avoid posting stuff where it is obvious you're a troll under the account - post it anoymously instead - some slightly more canny readers actually check your user info before they reply. Not many though :)
The ultimate goal of the troll account is to secure the +1 bonus, which is currently received once you hit 26 points of Karma. To get there, employ the techniques of karma whoring that we see every day on /. and watch the karma roll
in. And of course once you get the +1 bonus, the world is your oyster in terms
of /. Posts made at a default of 2 hit even those people with the threshold of
2, are more likely to get moderated up even further if they are at all coherent,
and people tend to lose their critical thinking abilities in the face of the +1
bonus. Milk it for all it's worth.
To get people reading it a troll needs to be easily readable. Make sure you break it down into easily digestible paragraphs, use HTML tags where appropriate (but always make sure you close them properly) and use whitespace appropriately.
Generally a troll shouldn't be too short, otherwise it'll get lost in the crowd. A workable minimum is a couple of medium paragraphs. Conversely, it shouldn't be too long, or no-one will bother to read it. Keep it to a happy medium.
Whilst spelling is important if you want the troll to be taken "seriously", key spelling mistakes can draw out the spelling zealots, especially if you mis-spell the name of a venerated /. hero, like Linus Torveldes or Richard
Strawlman (thanks dmg). Related to this is the use of the wrong word, explaining
an acronym as being something it isn't or making a word into an acronym even
when it isn't.
The subject line needs to draw attention to your post without making it obvious that it is a troll. A simple statement of the main point of your argument can work here.
Once you realise that most moderators don't bother to read past the first paragraph or two, you can use this fact to craft trolls that can be moderated up as "Insightful" (note that I mean this in the /. sense rather than the
real-world sense). Start off fairly reasonable, making statements that are /.
friendly and not being too controversial. As the troll goes on, make it more and
more controversial, building it up for the coup de grace in the final
paragraph.
As we all know, a post with links is considered "informative" by the /. crowd. Moderators love it, and they rarely
check the links, so be sure to include as many as possible. And make them wrong
- a link to the Perl website should instead
point to the Python website instead, and vice
versa. The other alternative to incorrect links is "useful" links to places like
www.linux.org and www.microsoft.com i.e. places /.ers could
never have found on their own :)
The ideal troll requires no feeding - it runs on its own, generating flamewars between clueless /.ers for your amusement. But often a troll requires
some help and so you should consider feeding it. Feeding is best reserved for
people making either completely clueless responses, people making responses with
holes in, or those wonderful people who write a 2000-word point-by-point
rebuttal of your troll.
Always keep in mind the kind of things advocated on /. so that you can play
on and against them. This is why anti-Linux, creationist, gun-loving,
pro-corporation trolls work well - the vast majority of /.ers hold the opposite
viewpoints. And if a few people agree with you, so much the better - it merely
validates your viewpoint in the eyes of readers.
Be arrogant. You, as a troll, know that you're right. No other explanation could exist. The wronger the "fact", the more assertively you should state it. Make it clear that you are better than everyone else - you know the truth and they are just too stupid to realise it. Use plenty of sarcasm, and use "quotes" to show it to people too dumb to realise.
Being offensive in your initial troll can be counter-productive - it causes moderators to mark you down as flamebait in general. But if you're feeding, then you can get away with calling /.ers all kinds of things. Make broad
generalisations about /. readers - call them "long-haired Linux zealots",
"socialist open-source bigots" or whatever. Stereotyping is encouraged - people
always want to think that they're an individual, and will point this out to you
given half a chance.
Great for articles with a political or social bent, this kind of troll expresses complete indifference to the topic at hand, wondering who on Earth cares about it. An alternative method is to say that the topic only concerns a certain group of people - criminals, idiots, hackers (always use this instead of crackers) or whatever group you want to offend.
Appear to take the same stance as the people you're trying to troll - claim you're as much a fan of Linux as the next man, but... This way you can make all kinds of claims in the sure knowledge that you actually know what you're talking about. A great phrase to use here is "In my experience". Remember to act like all the things you're pointing out are unfortunate but true.
Always accuse /.ers of being elitist. This is an easy thing to do seeing as a
lot of them are. Claim that is their grandmother couldn't use it, then they are
just into it to feel better than Joe Sixpack rather than "doing it for the
average user". This is always great for working into anti-Linux trolls - attack
command-line tools and poorly designed desktops.
The opposite of the above. Claim that technology or whatever is only for the elite of society and that any attempt to open it up for everyone is wrong, an attack on intellectualism and possibly even dangerous. If people were meant to understand these things then they would, and it's their fault if they're too stupid to learn.
Never be afraid to contradict yourself, even in the space of a single sentence. The phrases "I am a top programmer who codes in VB" or "I am a supporter of open source who uses NT at work and 95 at home" will be sure to get a response from some weenie smugly pointing out the contradiction. Confuse the issue more by engaging in contradiction when you are feeding - this will confuse /.ers who will then make even more stupid replies, leaving them even more wide
open for response.
Clues
If you're feeling brave, give the reader clues that this is an obvious troll. The classic example here is dmg's stock phrase "I am often accused of trolling (whatever that is)", but also feel free to use phrases like "I have not read the article, and I don't know much about XYZ but I feel I must comment". If anyone responds to a troll with these kinds of clues in it, feel free to bask in the glow of knee-jerk /. responses.
If you're unlucky someone will accuse you of being a troll (surely not!) and try and ruin it for you. If you don't want it all to end there, then be sure to counter it by accusing them of being small-minded and petty, saying that it's easier for them to say it's a troll than to accept that people have different opinions. Be sure to say this in the subject line, especially if their subject was the infamous "YHBT. YHL. HAND."
Given that /. has its community of regular trolls (hi guys!), it's only
polite to publish your troll on one of the so-called "hidden" forums for all to
see and admire. This way, you get to bask in the praise of other trolls, they
get to contribute to your's if they want to, and you get an easy way to find the
troll later on when you want to check on its progress :)
As for when to post it, that's a matter of opinion really. You can either post it straight away or leave it will after people start biting. Remember that the troll forum is also frequented by non-trolls, and sometimes you may get a self-declared "troll-buster" try and expose you. But remember, /.ers always post
before thinking, and often it doesn't matter at all.
There is no real current forum at the moment thanks to various spammers hitting the sids, but try trolltalk, the original troll sid started by 80md and osm way back in the day. Generally all postings are done there as an AC, with your name at the end of the post. Include a link to the troll somewhere in the text, which ideally will be directly to the post and its replies - click on the #XX link in the thread to get there.
Sometimes you just get bored with a troll, or people start posting genuinely thoughtful stuff in reply (it does happen). When this happens it might be time to own up to the troll with a helpful "YHBT. YHL. HAND." post. Sometimes people will carry on a discussion of the issue, and if you're really lucky (and it was a great troll) they will completely fail to believe you and carry on arguing. If that happens, pat yourself on the back for writing a great troll :)
Finally, when all else fails and your troll gets moderated down to (-1, Troll) within ten seconds of you posting it, the only honourable thing to do is to accuse the moderators of smoking the cheap $3 crack (again) and give up :(
- The Maniac
- The Right-Wing Maniac
- Religion
- Ideology
- Software
- Guns
- The Expert
- Industry knowledge
- Helpful hints
- Offtopic Trolls
- The serial troll
- The random troll
- The vaguely related troll
- If it's funny for a fleeting moment, then it's worth posting.
- Puns. Puns are only less vile than mimes, but it's hard to mime on
/. So
feel free/obligated to litter your offtopic and random bits with puns. Hurt the
bastards. And if they're sick enough to laugh at them, then they'll eventually
end up here ;-)
- Obscure cultural references and injokes are always good. SOMEONE will get
them eventually.
- Several drafts of a serial or random post are common, but true elegance is
being able to come up with something on the spot that still makes the top 40
posts (on a post-heavy article)
Section 3 - Useful trolling linksProbably the most popular kind of troll, the Maniac holds an opinion on something, and won't budge from that opinion no matter what evidence to the contrary is presented. If challenged, the Maniac will simply get more and more agitated and abusive, deriding his opponents as "idiots", "wrong-thinking", "dangerous" and "subversive". Generally the Maniac takes a position that opposes the prevalent /. beliefs, but a similar effect can be achieved by taking a
typical /. viewpoint and pushing it to ridiculous extremes.
Maniacs can be crafted for practically every article /. posts, although some
are more obvious targets than others. Civil liberty articles, especially on
things like censorship, DMCA, UCITA that really get /.ers riled up, are usually
extremely fruitful grounds for a well-crafted maniac. The other obvious type of
article is anything which could possibly involve religion, especially evolution :)
Here are some fruitful avenues to explore:
Always popular, the right-wing maniac (RWM) is a God-fearing, gun-toting, flag-waving American, and proud of it. They don't care about the rest of the world, unless it's to "prove" that America is better than everything else, and they cannot stand liberal whining over civil rights. They hate the moral decay of America and want it to revert into a nation of heterosexual, Christian whites like it was meant to be. Woe betide anyone that dares to suggest otherwise.
There are two ways to approach this kind of maniac. The harder to pull off is the militant atheist, but this is quite common amongst /. posters and you would
have to be very offensive to get this to work. Of course with religion trolls,
the argument can go on for ever once it's started... The more common approach is
the Christian fundamentalist. They are ignorant, intolerant and bigoted in the
extreme. For them the Bible is the inerrant word of God revealed to man - it
contains no flaws and no contradictions. Thus they are strict Creationists -
mentions of evolution or cosmology will set them off on vitriolic rants. Flaming
denunciations of anyone daring to contradict the "Word of God" are the way to
go, and any kind of proof can always be ignored by appealing to "secular
humanist brainwashing". And let's not forget, the USA is the greatest nation on
Earth because it has the righteous power of Jesus Christ behind it.
Pick a philosophy, any philosophy. This troll is a troll with a cause - they have found some kind of ideological truth, and are out to expose every other philosophy as a sham. Whether it be libertarianism, objectivism, communism or capitalism, this troll will point out the obvious "flaws" in any other philosophies, whilst spouting dogma about their own. And the best thing is - you don't even need to know that much about what you're spouting - making doctrinaire mistakes will get both sides of the argument flaming you, adding to the fun.
This is an old favourite and crops up in many forms, covering the gamut from OS maniacs (Linux zealots, MS-apologists or embittered BSD fanatics), language maniacs (Pascal vs. C, C vs. C++, C++ vs. Java, Perl vs. Python, VB vs. everything), application maniacs(GIMP vs. Photoshop, Netscape vs. IE, vi vs. emacs) and also includes people who complain about how technology should only be for the 31337 hackers.
Americans love their guns, and will always fight passionately for their Constitutionally guarenteed rights to bear arms and shoot people. Even the slightest hint of criticism of this will bring down the wrath of a thousand and one enraged gun-owners on you, so it's always a great point to work into a troll :)
The Expert is someone who is "savvy" in their particular field, and is perfectly willing to give their opinion on any topic even vauguely related to their field. The Expert is most likely to be from a field which /.ers as a rule
despise - the classic example is dumb marketing guy, but try consultants,
lawyers, politicians, lobbyists, executives, journalists (just think Jon Katz).
With this kind of troll sweeping statements with little content are the norm,
along wire dire portents of future catastrophe and dark hints of "insider
knowledge".
Some possible angles to exploit:
The expert knows the computing industry from the inside - as a long-term pro, they can dispense knowledge knowing that they can "speak for the industry". Their smug self-satisfaction is bound to annoy, as is any suggestion that things aren't the way that /.ers would like it - saying "Linux requires the rock-solid
guarantee of a trusted company like Microsoft" or "Apache cannot be trusted for
mission-critical enterprise platforms" is guaranteed to get you denials
explaining exactly why you're wrong, in excruciating detail.
With their tech-savvy (or law-savvy or whatever) experience, the expert is obviously the best person to point out what's wrong with things or to give out useful "factual" information. In fact this probably works best with lawyer trolls - for all that /.ers protest "IANAL", they certainly seem to think they
could be, and any mistakes you make will send them rushing to prove themselves
by correcting you.
Not really a "troll" in the strict Jargon File sense of the word, but they certainly should be included here :) This category includes parodies, offtopic
weirdness any all kinds of amusing stuff. Not really my area of expertise, this
stuff is mainly done by gnarphlager and opensourceman. Thanks to gnarphlager for
this section.
Offtopic trolls, like any other, come in almost as many colours as an iMac, but generally not as cute. But then again, a good offtopic "troll" can affect more people than a repulsive little gumdrop on your desk, because you need to have someone SEE your desk before they can react. Simple? Moreso than even my overblown prose could indicate. Some basic examples:
Write a story. Keep expanding it. It doesn't matter what article you post it under, so long as it's high up. If you want people to recognize you, pick a couple themes or symbols, and carry them on throughout the story. Other alternatives include back linking or including the entire story, but adding more each time. Be funny if you want. Or if you don't feel like being funny, just be really weird. Someone will react.
This has nothing to do with anything. Be it a stream of consciousness rant, or a description of the corner of your desk. Another favorite is a monologue, read as if spoken from any one given entity to another. The more outlandish, the better (a pair of socks talking to a mousepad, for example). If you really wanted to be artsy, work in an actual metaphor or legitimate meaning behind it, but it's not necessary.
Start out with a comment about the article. Have a definite opinion of it. Then, after a little while, disintegrate into randomness. All roads eventually can eventually lead to cheese (yum), Natalie Portman, cannibalism, toasters, squirrels, futons, you name it. All it takes is a little bit of creativity. Oh, and feel free to use other trolls' motifs. Open source and all that ;-)
General tips:
The following links contain background information useful for trolls needing quick quotes and "expert" opinions to include.
© spiralx, I did not write this ;)
Subject: Re: "We won't warlord it" (was Re: Wolfenstein 3d)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.warlord
From: The Mystic Mongoose
Date: Thu, 15 Feb 1996 22:17:24 -0500
Organization: Continuum Communications Inc.
>What does HAND mean?
Hmmm. Let's figure that out.
H=ASCII 72
A=ASCII 65
N=ASCII 78
D=ASCII 68
72+65+78+68=283. Now, to compute the mean, divide by the number of units,
namely, four, which gives us 70.75. Round upwards, and we get 71,
which when translated back is G. So, G is what HAND means.
WIPO Troll Club 91 Member
It is now evident by the usage of the club's ultra secret motto "YHBT! YHL! HAND!" that WIPO Troll is a member of the secret club known as Club 91. The club's web-presence is here. WIPO practices kibology, to quote the website: "A.R.K" stands for "alt.religion.kibology", and also for the ancient Celtic "algae ryngwyrm kibog", meaning "Read the directions before beginning." Below, "YHBT.YHL.HAND" is a phrase so secret that nobody on the Internet can understand it. Do not attempt to ask what it means on alt.religion.kibology. You will not get the answer. "YHBT.YHL.HAND" is the only thing which cannot be understood by the mind of Man, unless he's in Club91.
Contact my friend, The Pimp. Natalie does tricks with his hoes!