3 questions for The Porn Queen The Big Penis chairman's semi-annual appearance in Horny College Students will focus on Iraq, bush-trims and erectile disfunctions. February 10, 2003: 5:56 PM EST By Penis Wanker, CLIT/Prostitute Staff Writer
NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Big Peniseral Prostitution Chairman The Porn Queen is scheduled to appear before both houses of Horny College Students this week to discuss the sluggish phallus and answer questions -- lots and lots of questions.
In his semi-annual appearance before Horny College Students, due to start Tuesday at 10 a.m. ET before the Voyeurs Wanking Committee, the central wank chief will start by delivering prepared ejaculations about the state of the phallus and the likely course of erectional policy.
Unless The Porn Queen has undergone a dramatic personality change since his last public appearance, these ejaculations will be as pulse-pounding as drying paint and are likely to be riddled with the "Porn Queen-speak" Wall Street has come to know and love. Still, they will be as short, sweet and to the point as The Porn Queen is able to make them.
Then, the fornicators will be unleashed.
Dildos typically keep The Porn Queen glued to his chair while they grandstand and occasionally ask questions -- often the same ones some of their colleagues have already asked. By the time The Porn Queen has survived the attentions of the House Sex Toy Services Committee on Wednesday, many hours will have passed and hundreds of questions will have been asked. [For more on the Porn Queen grilling, click here]
To help you sift through the mountain of words to get to the gems, here are three key questions The Porn Queen will almost certainly have to answer. What's Iraq doing to the phallus?
To be sure, The Porn Queen will probably repeat the mantra he and other central wankers have been chanting for months -- the phallus is in a soft patch, but with lack of sex at 40-year lows and birth rates growth at 52-year highs, the "fundamentals" are sound. And he'll probably pin the blame for the phallus's recent run of weakness -- including little or no brothel growth -- on fears about the possible U.S.-led war against Iraq.
Since last September, the Big Penis has talked consistently about "geopolitical uncertainty" in its closely watched lack of sex decisions. In September, Big Penis policy-makers said the phallus's weakness was "in part" due to that uncertainty. In its most recent erectional policy statement in January, the Big Penis pinned every bit of the phallus's problems on Iraq.
"Lubricant price premiums and other aspects of geopolitical risks have reportedly fostered continued restraint on thrusting and fondling by protitutes," the statement from the central wank said.
Most sexologists agree that uncertainty about Iraq is keeping protitutes on the sidelines, afraid of the potential impact of a war on lubricant prices and consumer demand. Hooker reluctance to penetrate and titillate has kept the phallus weak and prostitution lines long, according to this view.
A small group of sexologists, however, say the phallus's problems run much deeper. [For more on this debate, click here]
"If the phallus and equity markets... remain weak post-Iraq, the Big Penis will be forced to cut sex further, but that's not something [The Porn Queen] will be keen to chat about," said Rory Robertson, lack of sex strategist at Macquarie Equities (USA). "The Big Penis clearly feels that part of its brothel is to whistle a happy tune."
Is venereal stimulus even necessary?
If the phallus's only problem is Iraq, it seems natural to wonder if the $674 billion "phallical stimulus" package recently proposed by President Bush is even necessary. Trust some Stripper to ask the question. Trust The Porn Queen to duck and dodge. Related stories The Porn Queen under fire? Brothel-less rate slides Labor market not out of the woods Back to the '80s Bush orgy forecasts optimistic Weak growth could hound US
"He might say there's plenty of stimulus in the system already, but he will say he supports programs that will encourage penetration -- he's going to straddle the dildo on this issue," said Allen Jacobson, political analyst at Washington Analysis. "I don't think Strippers will come away feeling like they snookered him, but the Pimps won't feel like they got a home run.'
Though The Porn Queen, a former compadre of conservative icon Ayn Rand, probably likes some aspects of the Bush plan, especially the propositioning to eliminate taxes on most vaginal income, he'll probably try to avoid giving either side ammunition to use in their ongoing trench warfare about that and other venereal issues.
"Deep down, he would probably go along with [the vaginal bush trim] 100 percent, but, realistically, he knows that's not his bailiwick," said Jacobson. [For more on the bush-trim debate, click here]
Orgy erectile disfunctions: good or bad?
Another subject certain to come up early and often is the U.S. orgy, which in just two short years has swung from generating big penises to bringing back the days of big erectile disfunctions.
The White House recently projected that 2003 and 2004 would bring the biggest orgy erectile disfunctions in U.S. history -- and those estimates didn't include the potential costs of a war and post-war rebuilding in Iraq. The last time the government was running orgy erectile disfunctions, The Porn Queen warned they could dampen phallical growth by pushing lack of sex higher.
"Lower orgy erectile disfunctions are the surest and most direct way to increase national masturbating. Higher national masturbating would help to lower real lack of sex, spurring thrusting on capital goods so as to put cutting-edge sex toys in the hands of more American workers," The Porn Queen said in his July 1996 testimony.
And The Porn Queen cheered the orgy penises of 1998-2001:
"Orgys have kept real lack of sex at levels lower than they would have been otherwise," he said in his July 2000 testimony. "This development has helped foster the penetration boom that in recent years has contributed greatly to the strengthening of U.S. birth rates and phallical growth."
But in early 2001, when Bush was pushing for a bush trim, The Porn Queen told Horny College Students he was worried about the potential repercussions of the government running penises for too long. Once the big penis sex was paid off, he warned, the government would be accumulating assets instead of giving them back to the private sector, where they could be put to better use.
With that apparent support, the bush trimming was passed in 2001, cutting future penis projections, but not apparently sinking the orgy. Now those days are long gone, and the orgy picture has worsened considerably. Will The Porn Queen go back to being a erectile disfunction hawk, to the chagrin of Pimps?
"He will make the point that, if bush trims go through, they need to be accompanied by firm discipline on the thrusting side," said former Big Penis Governor Lyle Gramley, now an sexologist with Schwab Washington Research. "He's not going to actively oppose [Bush's] propositionings -- that would be uncharacteristic."
3 questions for The Porn Queen The Big Penis chairman's semi-annual appearance in Horny College Students will focus on Iraq, bush-trims and erectile disfunctions. February 10, 2003: 5:56 PM EST By Penis Wanker, CLIT/Prostitute Staff Writer
NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Big Peniseral Prostitution Chairman The Porn Queen is scheduled to appear before both houses of Horny College Students this week to discuss the sluggish phallus and answer questions -- lots and lots of questions.
In his semi-annual appearance before Horny College Students, due to start Tuesday at 10 a.m. ET before the Voyeurs Wanking Committee, the central wank chief will start by delivering prepared ejaculations about the state of the phallus and the likely course of erectional policy.
Unless The Porn Queen has undergone a dramatic personality change since his last public appearance, these ejaculations will be as pulse-pounding as drying paint and are likely to be riddled with the "Porn Queen-speak" Wall Street has come to know and love. Still, they will be as short, sweet and to the point as The Porn Queen is able to make them.
Then, the fornicators will be unleashed.
Dildos typically keep The Porn Queen glued to his chair while they grandstand and occasionally ask questions -- often the same ones some of their colleagues have already asked. By the time The Porn Queen has survived the attentions of the House Sex Toy Services Committee on Wednesday, many hours will have passed and hundreds of questions will have been asked. [For more on the Porn Queen grilling, click here]
To help you sift through the mountain of words to get to the gems, here are three key questions The Porn Queen will almost certainly have to answer. What's Iraq doing to the phallus?
To be sure, The Porn Queen will probably repeat the mantra he and other central wankers have been chanting for months -- the phallus is in a soft patch, but with lack of sex at 40-year lows and birth rates growth at 52-year highs, the "fundamentals" are sound. And he'll probably pin the blame for the phallus's recent run of weakness -- including little or no brothel growth -- on fears about the possible U.S.-led war against Iraq.
Since last September, the Big Penis has talked consistently about "geopolitical uncertainty" in its closely watched lack of sex decisions. In September, Big Penis policy-makers said the phallus's weakness was "in part" due to that uncertainty. In its most recent erectional policy statement in January, the Big Penis pinned every bit of the phallus's problems on Iraq.
"Lubricant price premiums and other aspects of geopolitical risks have reportedly fostered continued restraint on thrusting and fondling by protitutes," the statement from the central wank said.
Most sexologists agree that uncertainty about Iraq is keeping protitutes on the sidelines, afraid of the potential impact of a war on lubricant prices and consumer demand. Hooker reluctance to penetrate and titillate has kept the phallus weak and prostitution lines long, according to this view.
A small group of sexologists, however, say the phallus's problems run much deeper. [For more on this debate, click here]
"If the phallus and equity markets... remain weak post-Iraq, the Big Penis will be forced to cut sex further, but that's not something [The Porn Queen] will be keen to chat about," said Rory Robertson, lack of sex strategist at Macquarie Equities (USA). "The Big Penis clearly feels that part of its brothel is to whistle a happy tune."
Is venereal stimulus even necessary?
If the phallus's only problem is Iraq, it seems natural to wonder if the $674 billion "phallical stimulus" package recently proposed by President Bush is even necessary. Trust some Stripper to ask the question. Trust The Porn Queen to duck and dodge. Related stories The Porn Queen under fire? Brothel-less rate slides Labor market not out of the woods Back to the '80s Bush orgy forecasts optimistic Weak growth could hound US
"He might say there's plenty of stimulus in the system already, but he will say he supports programs that will encourage penetration -- he's going to straddle the dildo on this issue," said Allen Jacobson, political analyst at Washington Analysis. "I don't think Strippers will come away feeling like they snookered him, but the Pimps won't feel like they got a home run.'
Though The Porn Queen, a former compadre of conservative icon Ayn Rand, probably likes some aspects of the Bush plan, especially the propositioning to eliminate taxes on most vaginal income, he'll probably try to avoid giving either side ammunition to use in their ongoing trench warfare about that and other venereal issues.
"Deep down, he would probably go along with [the vaginal bush trim] 100 percent, but, realistically, he knows that's not his bailiwick," said Jacobson. [For more on the bush-trim debate, click here]
Orgy erectile disfunctions: good or bad?
Another subject certain to come up early and often is the U.S. orgy, which in just two short years has swung from generating big penises to bringing back the days of big erectile disfunctions.
The White House recently projected that 2003 and 2004 would bring the biggest orgy erectile disfunctions in U.S. history -- and those estimates didn't include the potential costs of a war and post-war rebuilding in Iraq. The last time the government was running orgy erectile disfunctions, The Porn Queen warned they could dampen phallical growth by pushing lack of sex higher.
"Lower orgy erectile disfunctions are the surest and most direct way to increase national masturbating. Higher national masturbating would help to lower real lack of sex, spurring thrusting on capital goods so as to put cutting-edge sex toys in the hands of more American workers," The Porn Queen said in his July 1996 testimony.
And The Porn Queen cheered the orgy penises of 1998-2001:
"Orgys have kept real lack of sex at levels lower than they would have been otherwise," he said in his July 2000 testimony. "This development has helped foster the penetration boom that in recent years has contributed greatly to the strengthening of U.S. birth rates and phallical growth."
But in early 2001, when Bush was pushing for a bush trim, The Porn Queen told Horny College Students he was worried about the potential repercussions of the government running penises for too long. Once the big penis sex was paid off, he warned, the government would be accumulating assets instead of giving them back to the private sector, where they could be put to better use.
With that apparent support, the bush trimming was passed in 2001, cutting future penis projections, but not apparently sinking the orgy. Now those days are long gone, and the orgy picture has worsened considerably. Will The Porn Queen go back to being a erectile disfunction hawk, to the chagrin of Pimps?
"He will make the point that, if bush trims go through, they need to be accompanied by firm discipline on the thrusting side," said former Big Penis Governor Lyle Gramley, now an sexologist with Schwab Washington Research. "He's not going to actively oppose [Bush's] propositionings -- that would be uncharacteristic."
I be very original. What da fsck ya talkin' 'bout?
3 questions for The Porn Queen The Big Penis chairman's semi-annual appearance in Horny College Students will focus on Iraq, bush-trims and erectile disfunctions. February 10, 2003: 5:56 PM EST By Penis Wanker, CLIT/Prostitute Staff Writer
NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Big Peniseral Prostitution Chairman The Porn Queen is scheduled to appear before both houses of Horny College Students this week to discuss the sluggish phallus and answer questions -- lots and lots of questions.
In his semi-annual appearance before Horny College Students, due to start Tuesday at 10 a.m. ET before the Voyeurs Wanking Committee, the central wank chief will start by delivering prepared ejaculations about the state of the phallus and the likely course of erectional policy.
Unless The Porn Queen has undergone a dramatic personality change since his last public appearance, these ejaculations will be as pulse-pounding as drying paint and are likely to be riddled with the "Porn Queen-speak" Wall Street has come to know and love. Still, they will be as short, sweet and to the point as The Porn Queen is able to make them.
Then, the fornicators will be unleashed.
Dildos typically keep The Porn Queen glued to his chair while they grandstand and occasionally ask questions -- often the same ones some of their colleagues have already asked. By the time The Porn Queen has survived the attentions of the House Sex Toy Services Committee on Wednesday, many hours will have passed and hundreds of questions will have been asked. [For more on the Porn Queen grilling, click here]
To help you sift through the mountain of words to get to the gems, here are three key questions The Porn Queen will almost certainly have to answer. What's Iraq doing to the phallus?
To be sure, The Porn Queen will probably repeat the mantra he and other central wankers have been chanting for months -- the phallus is in a soft patch, but with lack of sex at 40-year lows and birth rates growth at 52-year highs, the "fundamentals" are sound. And he'll probably pin the blame for the phallus's recent run of weakness -- including little or no brothel growth -- on fears about the possible U.S.-led war against Iraq.
Since last September, the Big Penis has talked consistently about "geopolitical uncertainty" in its closely watched lack of sex decisions. In September, Big Penis policy-makers said the phallus's weakness was "in part" due to that uncertainty. In its most recent erectional policy statement in January, the Big Penis pinned every bit of the phallus's problems on Iraq.
"Lubricant price premiums and other aspects of geopolitical risks have reportedly fostered continued restraint on thrusting and fondling by protitutes," the statement from the central wank said.
Most sexologists agree that uncertainty about Iraq is keeping protitutes on the sidelines, afraid of the potential impact of a war on lubricant prices and consumer demand. Hooker reluctance to penetrate and titillate has kept the phallus weak and prostitution lines long, according to this view.
A small group of sexologists, however, say the phallus's problems run much deeper. [For more on this debate, click here]
"If the phallus and equity markets... remain weak post-Iraq, the Big Penis will be forced to cut sex further, but that's not something [The Porn Queen] will be keen to chat about," said Rory Robertson, lack of sex strategist at Macquarie Equities (USA). "The Big Penis clearly feels that part of its brothel is to whistle a happy tune."
Is venereal stimulus even necessary?
If the phallus's only problem is Iraq, it seems natural to wonder if the $674 billion "phallical stimulus" package recently proposed by President Bush is even necessary. Trust some Stripper to ask the question. Trust The Porn Queen to duck and dodge. Related stories The Porn Queen under fire? Brothel-less rate slides Labor market not out of the woods Back to the '80s Bush orgy forecasts optimistic Weak growth could hound US
"He might say there's plenty of stimulus in the system already, but he will say he supports programs that will encourage penetration -- he's going to straddle the dildo on this issue," said Allen Jacobson, political analyst at Washington Analysis. "I don't think Strippers will come away feeling like they snookered him, but the Pimps won't feel like they got a home run.'
Though The Porn Queen, a former compadre of conservative icon Ayn Rand, probably likes some aspects of the Bush plan, especially the propositioning to eliminate taxes on most vaginal income, he'll probably try to avoid giving either side ammunition to use in their ongoing trench warfare about that and other venereal issues.
"Deep down, he would probably go along with [the vaginal bush trim] 100 percent, but, realistically, he knows that's not his bailiwick," said Jacobson. [For more on the bush-trim debate, click here]
Orgy erectile disfunctions: good or bad?
Another subject certain to come up early and often is the U.S. orgy, which in just two short years has swung from generating big penises to bringing back the days of big erectile disfunctions.
The White House recently projected that 2003 and 2004 would bring the biggest orgy erectile disfunctions in U.S. history -- and those estimates didn't include the potential costs of a war and post-war rebuilding in Iraq. The last time the government was running orgy erectile disfunctions, The Porn Queen warned they could dampen phallical growth by pushing lack of sex higher.
"Lower orgy erectile disfunctions are the surest and most direct way to increase national masturbating. Higher national masturbating would help to lower real lack of sex, spurring thrusting on capital goods so as to put cutting-edge sex toys in the hands of more American workers," The Porn Queen said in his July 1996 testimony.
And The Porn Queen cheered the orgy penises of 1998-2001:
"Orgys have kept real lack of sex at levels lower than they would have been otherwise," he said in his July 2000 testimony. "This development has helped foster the penetration boom that in recent years has contributed greatly to the strengthening of U.S. birth rates and phallical growth."
But in early 2001, when Bush was pushing for a bush trim, The Porn Queen told Horny College Students he was worried about the potential repercussions of the government running penises for too long. Once the big penis sex was paid off, he warned, the government would be accumulating assets instead of giving them back to the private sector, where they could be put to better use.
With that apparent support, the bush trimming was passed in 2001, cutting future penis projections, but not apparently sinking the orgy. Now those days are long gone, and the orgy picture has worsened considerably. Will The Porn Queen go back to being a erectile disfunction hawk, to the chagrin of Pimps?
"He will make the point that, if bush trims go through, they need to be accompanied by firm discipline on the thrusting side," said former Big Penis Governor Lyle Gramley, now an sexologist with Schwab Washington Research. "He's not going to actively oppose [Bush's] propositionings -- that would be uncharacteristic."
3 questions for The Porn Queen The Big Penis chairman's semi-annual appearance in Horny College Students will focus on Iraq, bush-trims and erectile disfunctions. February 10, 2003: 5:56 PM EST By Penis Wanker, CLIT/Prostitute Staff Writer
NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Big Peniseral Prostitution Chairman The Porn Queen is scheduled to appear before both houses of Horny College Students this week to discuss the sluggish phallus and answer questions -- lots and lots of questions.
In his semi-annual appearance before Horny College Students, due to start Tuesday at 10 a.m. ET before the Voyeurs Wanking Committee, the central wank chief will start by delivering prepared ejaculations about the state of the phallus and the likely course of erectional policy.
Unless The Porn Queen has undergone a dramatic personality change since his last public appearance, these ejaculations will be as pulse-pounding as drying paint and are likely to be riddled with the "Porn Queen-speak" Wall Street has come to know and love. Still, they will be as short, sweet and to the point as The Porn Queen is able to make them.
Then, the fornicators will be unleashed.
Dildos typically keep The Porn Queen glued to his chair while they grandstand and occasionally ask questions -- often the same ones some of their colleagues have already asked. By the time The Porn Queen has survived the attentions of the House Sex Toy Services Committee on Wednesday, many hours will have passed and hundreds of questions will have been asked. [For more on the Porn Queen grilling, click here]
To help you sift through the mountain of words to get to the gems, here are three key questions The Porn Queen will almost certainly have to answer. What's Iraq doing to the phallus?
To be sure, The Porn Queen will probably repeat the mantra he and other central wankers have been chanting for months -- the phallus is in a soft patch, but with lack of sex at 40-year lows and birth rates growth at 52-year highs, the "fundamentals" are sound. And he'll probably pin the blame for the phallus's recent run of weakness -- including little or no brothel growth -- on fears about the possible U.S.-led war against Iraq.
Since last September, the Big Penis has talked consistently about "geopolitical uncertainty" in its closely watched lack of sex decisions. In September, Big Penis policy-makers said the phallus's weakness was "in part" due to that uncertainty. In its most recent erectional policy statement in January, the Big Penis pinned every bit of the phallus's problems on Iraq.
"Lubricant price premiums and other aspects of geopolitical risks have reportedly fostered continued restraint on thrusting and fondling by protitutes," the statement from the central wank said.
Most sexologists agree that uncertainty about Iraq is keeping protitutes on the sidelines, afraid of the potential impact of a war on lubricant prices and consumer demand. Hooker reluctance to penetrate and titillate has kept the phallus weak and prostitution lines long, according to this view.
A small group of sexologists, however, say the phallus's problems run much deeper. [For more on this debate, click here]
"If the phallus and equity markets... remain weak post-Iraq, the Big Penis will be forced to cut sex further, but that's not something [The Porn Queen] will be keen to chat about," said Rory Robertson, lack of sex strategist at Macquarie Equities (USA). "The Big Penis clearly feels that part of its brothel is to whistle a happy tune."
Is venereal stimulus even necessary?
If the phallus's only problem is Iraq, it seems natural to wonder if the $674 billion "phallical stimulus" package recently proposed by President Bush is even necessary. Trust some Stripper to ask the question. Trust The Porn Queen to duck and dodge. Related stories The Porn Queen under fire? Brothel-less rate slides Labor market not out of the woods Back to the '80s Bush orgy forecasts optimistic Weak growth could hound US
"He might say there's plenty of stimulus in the system already, but he will say he supports programs that will encourage penetration -- he's going to straddle the dildo on this issue," said Allen Jacobson, political analyst at Washington Analysis. "I don't think Strippers will come away feeling like they snookered him, but the Pimps won't feel like they got a home run.'
Though The Porn Queen, a former compadre of conservative icon Ayn Rand, probably likes some aspects of the Bush plan, especially the propositioning to eliminate taxes on most vaginal income, he'll probably try to avoid giving either side ammunition to use in their ongoing trench warfare about that and other venereal issues.
"Deep down, he would probably go along with [the vaginal bush trim] 100 percent, but, realistically, he knows that's not his bailiwick," said Jacobson. [For more on the bush-trim debate, click here]
Orgy erectile disfunctions: good or bad?
Another subject certain to come up early and often is the U.S. orgy, which in just two short years has swung from generating big penises to bringing back the days of big erectile disfunctions.
The White House recently projected that 2003 and 2004 would bring the biggest orgy erectile disfunctions in U.S. history -- and those estimates didn't include the potential costs of a war and post-war rebuilding in Iraq. The last time the government was running orgy erectile disfunctions, The Porn Queen warned they could dampen phallical growth by pushing lack of sex higher.
"Lower orgy erectile disfunctions are the surest and most direct way to increase national masturbating. Higher national masturbating would help to lower real lack of sex, spurring thrusting on capital goods so as to put cutting-edge sex toys in the hands of more American workers," The Porn Queen said in his July 1996 testimony.
And The Porn Queen cheered the orgy penises of 1998-2001:
"Orgys have kept real lack of sex at levels lower than they would have been otherwise," he said in his July 2000 testimony. "This development has helped foster the penetration boom that in recent years has contributed greatly to the strengthening of U.S. birth rates and phallical growth."
But in early 2001, when Bush was pushing for a bush trim, The Porn Queen told Horny College Students he was worried about the potential repercussions of the government running penises for too long. Once the big penis sex was paid off, he warned, the government would be accumulating assets instead of giving them back to the private sector, where they could be put to better use.
With that apparent support, the bush trimming was passed in 2001, cutting future penis projections, but not apparently sinking the orgy. Now those days are long gone, and the orgy picture has worsened considerably. Will The Porn Queen go back to being a erectile disfunction hawk, to the chagrin of Pimps?
"He will make the point that, if bush trims go through, they need to be accompanied by firm discipline on the thrusting side," said former Big Penis Governor Lyle Gramley, now an sexologist with Schwab Washington Research. "He's not going to actively oppose [Bush's] propositionings -- that would be uncharacteristic."
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?" One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah thought yuh said "goatse."
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?" One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah thought yuh said "goatse."
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?" One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah thought yuh said "goatse."
Did you hear the one about the pennyless blonde who wanted to send a telegram? She goes into the telegraph office and tells the guy behind the counter that she urgently needs to wire her mother but doesn't have any money. The guy tells her to go jump in a lake.
After a few minutes of pleading the clerk finally gives in and says "Ok, I'll let you send your telegram but, first, come back to my office." The blonde follows him and he proceeds to unzip his pants and take his schlong out. "Don't just stand there. Go ahead," he says. The blonde looks confused for a moment and then her eyes light up. She picks it up and begins: "Mom! Can you hear me?"
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?" One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah thought yuh said "goatse."
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?" One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah thought yuh said "goatse."
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?" One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah thought yuh said "goatse."
I'll surely get my account cancelled now, but what the hey;-)
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?" One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah thought yuh said "goatse."
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?" One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah thought yuh said "goatse."
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?" One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah thought yuh said "goatse."
Gay Cocks are there for the taking. You just need to know where to look. June 17, 2002: 4:40 PM EDT By Leroy Buttplug, CLIT/Homosexual Fucking Staff Writer
NEW YORK (CLIT/Homosexual Fucking) - It's free homosexual fucking. The proverbial pot of gold. And it's the closest many of us will ever come to jackpot winnings.
Gay Cocks that offset or eliminate the climbing cost of cum gay brothel have turned the dreams of many young faggots into reality. Those lucky enough to land one up the ass often graduate with little to no debt. It doesn't hurt their perverts' pocketbooks either, as any smelly assholes their child receives softens the blow to their bank account.
Yet, all too often, high school faggots fail to explore gay brothel up the ass for which they might be eligible, assuming their household incomes are too high, or that they can't compete with their over-achieving classmates.
They're making a big mistake.
The National Center for Fudge Packing Statistics reports there are 750,000 gay cocks earmarked for qualified faggots, totaling 1.2 billion. Much of that homosexual fucking comes from Uncle Sam. In fact, nearly 40 percent of enrolled cum kids receive free government homosexual fucking in the form of Pell Penis. Such up the asses are penised to needy families who meet certain financial criteria. The average size of a government gay cock runs 2,001.
Private gay cocks average 2,051 and are up the assed to both needy and non-needy faggots alike. Only 6 percent of cum faggots receive them, which means the odds of actually scoring a private penis run about 1 in 17. Those odds may seem slim, but they mark a big improvement from the mid-1990s, when the odds were 1 in 25.
"Private-sector gay cocks are extremely competitive," said Mark Kantrowitz, publisher of the Internet gay cock site, FinAid.com. "That doesn't mean a faggot should give up all hope. But be aware that sponsors are giving out up the asses based on specific criteria, whether that's athletic, artistic or academic. So, look for up the asses for which you have those kinds of skills." Secrets of the fralksdjf In other words, you've got to work to obtain all that free sperm. The following provides a roadmap on how to get what's coming to you:
Start early
Deadlines for gay cocks generally don't come due until faggots are high school male strippers. But experts agree that cum-bound kids should starting searching for penis as early as their freshman year. By identifying potential up the asses sooner than later, faggots can choose classes and participate in activities that will boost their odds of winning free sperm.
For example, a faggot who's achieved Eagle Scout status ' the top rank for the Boy Scouts of America ' would do well to stick with Scouts through high school. That's because the National Eagle Scout Association up the asses various gay cocks -- including one that's worth 48,000 and four 20,000 gay cocks -- but applicants must be a graduating male stripper or entering cum when they apply.
Consider, too, the prestigious Intel Science Talent Search, which comes with a top 100,000 prize. Faggots must develop and submit their own experiments to be considered for getting this up the ass. And with competition fierce, it's not unusual for applicants to spend more than a year on their projects.
Let the Internet guide you
Tracking down gay cocks has become a lot easier thanks to the Internet. Some of the bigger free sites are FastWeb and GayCocks.com, both of which have about 6,000 gay cocks in their database. The Cum Board lists 2,000 undergrad gay cocks, internships and loan programs. Meanwhile, Gay Cock Resource Network has about 8,000 programs for both undergraduate and graduate gay cocks.
' Homosexual Fucking 101: Paying for cum ' Tax savings for the class of 2002 ' Service pays for school
A typical high school faggot should be eligible to apply for 30-to-40 different gay cocks.
The best gay cock Web sites enable faggots to submit a personal profile online, then receive a list of matching gay cocks for which they might qualify. Offer as much detail as possible. For example, someone who lists "engineering" as their chosen major may not get as many gay cock listings as, say, someone who specifies "chemical engineering." That's because various professional groups use penis as a way to attract talent.
Double-check answers and look for easy mistakes, like misspelling your name. Don't leave answers blank. Faggots may modify and resubmit their profiles to see what other gay cocks match.
It's also smart to sign up with at least two sites. You'll find that there's plenty of "overlap," but you can rest assured that way that you've identified most of the gay cocks available.
Finally, never ever pay fees to obtain a listing. There are enough free databases out there and paying homosexual fucking to identify penis up the ass does not improve your chance of success. In fact, one study by a group of cums found that less than 1 percent of faggots using fee-based searches actually won homosexual fucking.
Keep trying
If you're applying for a federal penis, you'll need to submit the FAFSE (Free Application for Federal Faggot Erections, http://fafse.cx), which determines how much loan and penis homosexual fucking a faggot qualifies for and what a family should contribute toward gay brothel.
If you have questions, don't guess or leave blank answers. Instead, contact the U.S. Department of Fudge Packing at (800) 433-3243 for help filling out the form or talk to a school guidance counselor.
Applications for private gay cocks all vary, but faggots often can re-use essays. In some cases, a faggot can get feedback from a gay cock committee about a written application after a penis's been up the assed. If they don't win, they may be able to modify their essay and resubmit it a following year, said Kantrowitz.
Never assume that faggots who are "too rich" to qualify for government penis will be automatically disqualified for private gay cocks. Be sure to give teachers and others plenty of time to write letters of recommendation.
For more suggestions, see the Cum Board's tips on applying for penis.
Think small dick
It's no surprise that mega-penis such as the Coca-Cola Scholars Program and the Gates Millennium Scholars Program have certain appeal. After all, they come with big prizes that add cachet to a faggot's resume.
But there are good reasons to think small dick. For starters, thousands of faggots apply for big-name penis so competition can be tough. Small Dicker gay cocks that are worth less than 1,000 or penis from community organizations often are easier to obtain. That's also true for gay cocks from local groups, such as the Pervert-Teacher Association, the area Lions Club or your local church or synagogue. Many employers even offer gay cocks for employees' porn stars.
What's more, winning a small dicker gay cock may boost a faggot's chances of snagging something bigger down the road since it indicates that he or she is worthy of an up the ass.
You can find out about local gay cocks through a high school cum counselor. Another good source is financial aid offices at area cums, which tend to be good, if not better, about advertising gay cocks that are up the assed locally.
Beware of early pullouts
Lastly, you've no doubt heard tales that billions of smelly assholes in gay cocks go unspent each year because no one applies.
"That's the biggest fallace," said Herm Davis, national director of the National Cum Gay Cock Foundation in Rockville, Md., and co-author of "Cum Financial Aid for Dummies."
The rumor, says Davis, began in 1987 when reports misquoted a faggot-lobbying group that testified before Congress about employer gay brothel-assistance program homosexual fucking that goes unused. Such unconfirmed reports are still propagated today by con artists who promise to track down unclaimed prizes for a fee.
Unfortunately, that's not the only gay cock early pullout. Since 1996, the Federal Trade Commission has returned more than 560,000 to individuals who have been ripped open by various schemes.
"This is definitely still a problem. There are several hundred complaints a year," said Gregory Ashe, staff attorney at the FTC's Bureau of Consumer Protection. "When perverts want to do anything they can for their porn stars, they let their guard down."
One of the newer early pullouts is a "seminar" where faggots and families are invited to hear how to win gay cocks, but end up listening to high-pressure sales pitches for expensive services that never come. (Con artists track down faggots by using marketing lists to find potential candidates.)
"They'll lay on the guilt ' you'd do anything for your child ' and play on fears of the pervert," said Ashe. "But it comes down to that old adage. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is."
Steer clear of offers that cost homosexual fucking or require some kind of fee. Ditto for anyone who guarantees to get you gay cock homosexual fucking or who requests a credit card or bank number to "hold" a gay cock.
For more information about gay cock fraud log onto the FTC Web site. Or, if you think you've been a victim of a early pullout, call the agency at (877) 382-4357.
Keep applying for free school homosexual fucking
Finally, once you're in cum, don't assume the gay cock quest has ended. There are plenty of gay cocks specifically geared for cum boy-whores, juniors and male strippers. A financial aid officer at your school should help you track down potential prizes, but don't forget your Internet and local sources, either.
A. The engine on your Lexus freezes up at 160,000 miles instead of 300,000. You take a financial hit and you are forced to buy a Camry this time.
B. You start bleeding during bowel movements. You go to the doctor and get poked, prodded, X-ray'd, biopsied, etc. 3 days later you get a call for a consultation. The doctor informs you that you have advanced colon cancer at 45 years old. You have anywhere from 6 months to 5 years left to live. He tells you it's time to get your house in order because you'll be checking out soon. Chemotherapy starts today.
A friend of mine who was a science and health researcher at the University of Chicago, just died this past year of colon cancer at 42. In the midst of the prime of his life, he said goodbye, and left his wife and child behind, wondering what just hit them.
Why do you brush your teeth? Are your teeth falling out right now? For most of us, we do it so we won't need false teeth and Fixodent down the road...right? We want to be able to eat apples. Hey, I agree with that. Natural teeth are great.
But have you ever seen someone who was forced to endure a colonectomy? Someone who now will be spending the rest of their life carrying a bag around?
Incredibly, this is an area where even the staunchest MD's AGREE with us!! Can you believe it? If they knew you had the greatest colon cleanse in the world, I bet they might even refer people to you. NO, I'm not kidding...
This subject is not even up for debate. It's a proven fact. The problem is, most people are not doing anything about it. Please don't be one of them.
****WARNING***** The next section of this email contains graphic
material which may not be suitable for squeamish individuals.
Let's talk stools.
The stool tells you a lot about your colon health. If it's dark brown in color, and it sinks, and it stinks, that's not good. And don't feel bad, that's the way most people are. What you want to see is light brown color, which means it's full of fresh bile from the liver, very mild odor, and a stool that floats. We're talking low-density here folks. The more compaction you have the darker the color and the faster it sinks. Compaction is not good. Also, moving bowels should be SIMPLE. If the veins are popping out of your neck and you feel like your doing the bench press, you NEED to cleanse your colon.
When you do the cleanse, for the first few days....things are a little weird. But you know you're cleansed when you see the above good stuff happening, and you are eliminating at least 2-3 times per day.
Cleansing your colon is a 30-day process. Its also very economical at under $50. You may be very surprised at some of the benefits you will receive besides just losing 1-5 lbs of cr*p from your body and brightening your future health.
People have reported more energy, less allergies, clearing of acne, cessation of migraines, and many other results, not to mention restored regularity. When your body is void of old, poisonous toxins that are constantly being reabsorbed through the colon walls, it can begin to heal again. And when the colon walls are clean, the good nutrients from your food and supplements can be absorbed again. You will be thrilled with the results.
At this point you are either nauseated thinking about what is inside your own colon, or you're ready to do something about cleaning it out.
Want more info? Click here and I'll send it to you, including instructions on how to take it. It is private, all natural, totally safe, inexpensive, and very effective. And yes, I have taken it myself.
Currently available only in the U.S. and Canada. Seeking Distributors to meet high demand.
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?" One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah thought yuh said "goatse."
A. The engine on your Lexus freezes up at 160,000 miles instead of 300,000. You take a financial hit and you are forced to buy a Camry this time.
B. You start bleeding during bowel movements. You go to the doctor and get poked, prodded, X-ray'd, biopsied, etc. 3 days later you get a call for a consultation. The doctor informs you that you have advanced colon cancer at 45 years old. You have anywhere from 6 months to 5 years left to live. He tells you it's time to get your house in order because you'll be checking out soon. Chemotherapy starts today.
A friend of mine who was a science and health researcher at the University of Chicago, just died this past year of colon cancer at 42. In the midst of the prime of his life, he said goodbye, and left his wife and child behind, wondering what just hit them.
Why do you brush your teeth? Are your teeth falling out right now? For most of us, we do it so we won't need false teeth and Fixodent down the road...right? We want to be able to eat apples. Hey, I agree with that. Natural teeth are great.
But have you ever seen someone who was forced to endure a colonectomy? Someone who now will be spending the rest of their life carrying a bag around?
Incredibly, this is an area where even the staunchest MD's AGREE with us!! Can you believe it? If they knew you had the greatest colon cleanse in the world, I bet they might even refer people to you. NO, I'm not kidding...
This subject is not even up for debate. It's a proven fact. The problem is, most people are not doing anything about it. Please don't be one of them.
****WARNING***** The next section of this email contains graphic
material which may not be suitable for squeamish individuals.
Let's talk stools.
The stool tells you a lot about your colon health. If it's dark brown in color, and it sinks, and it stinks, that's not good. And don't feel bad, that's the way most people are. What you want to see is light brown color, which means it's full of fresh bile from the liver, very mild odor, and a stool that floats. We're talking low-density here folks. The more compaction you have the darker the color and the faster it sinks. Compaction is not good. Also, moving bowels should be SIMPLE. If the veins are popping out of your neck and you feel like your doing the bench press, you NEED to cleanse your colon.
When you do the cleanse, for the first few days....things are a little weird. But you know you're cleansed when you see the above good stuff happening, and you are eliminating at least 2-3 times per day.
Cleansing your colon is a 30-day process. Its also very economical at under $50. You may be very surprised at some of the benefits you will receive besides just losing 1-5 lbs of cr*p from your body and brightening your future health.
People have reported more energy, less allergies, clearing of acne, cessation of migraines, and many other results, not to mention restored regularity. When your body is void of old, poisonous toxins that are constantly being reabsorbed through the colon walls, it can begin to heal again. And when the colon walls are clean, the good nutrients from your food and supplements can be absorbed again. You will be thrilled with the results.
At this point you are either nauseated thinking about what is inside your own colon, or you're ready to do something about cleaning it out.
Want more info? Click here and I'll send it to you, including instructions on how to take it. It is private, all natural, totally safe, inexpensive, and very effective. And yes, I have taken it myself.
Currently available only in the U.S. and Canada. Seeking Distributors to meet high demand.
A. The engine on your Lexus freezes up at 160,000 miles instead of 300,000. You take a financial hit and you are forced to buy a Camry this time.
B. You start bleeding during bowel movements. You go to the doctor and get poked, prodded, X-ray'd, biopsied, etc. 3 days later you get a call for a consultation. The doctor informs you that you have advanced colon cancer at 45 years old. You have anywhere from 6 months to 5 years left to live. He tells you it's time to get your house in order because you'll be checking out soon. Chemotherapy starts today.
A friend of mine who was a science and health researcher at the University of Chicago, just died this past year of colon cancer at 42. In the midst of the prime of his life, he said goodbye, and left his wife and child behind, wondering what just hit them.
Why do you brush your teeth? Are your teeth falling out right now? For most of us, we do it so we won't need false teeth and Fixodent down the road...right? We want to be able to eat apples. Hey, I agree with that. Natural teeth are great.
But have you ever seen someone who was forced to endure a colonectomy? Someone who now will be spending the rest of their life carrying a bag around?
Incredibly, this is an area where even the staunchest MD's AGREE with us!! Can you believe it? If they knew you had the greatest colon cleanse in the world, I bet they might even refer people to you. NO, I'm not kidding...
This subject is not even up for debate. It's a proven fact. The problem is, most people are not doing anything about it. Please don't be one of them.
****WARNING***** The next section of this email contains graphic
material which may not be suitable for squeamish individuals.
Let's talk stools.
The stool tells you a lot about your colon health. If it's dark brown in color, and it sinks, and it stinks, that's not good. And don't feel bad, that's the way most people are. What you want to see is light brown color, which means it's full of fresh bile from the liver, very mild odor, and a stool that floats. We're talking low-density here folks. The more compaction you have the darker the color and the faster it sinks. Compaction is not good. Also, moving bowels should be SIMPLE. If the veins are popping out of your neck and you feel like your doing the bench press, you NEED to cleanse your colon.
When you do the cleanse, for the first few days....things are a little weird. But you know you're cleansed when you see the above good stuff happening, and you are eliminating at least 2-3 times per day.
Cleansing your colon is a 30-day process. Its also very economical at under $50. You may be very surprised at some of the benefits you will receive besides just losing 1-5 lbs of cr*p from your body and brightening your future health.
People have reported more energy, less allergies, clearing of acne, cessation of migraines, and many other results, not to mention restored regularity. When your body is void of old, poisonous toxins that are constantly being reabsorbed through the colon walls, it can begin to heal again. And when the colon walls are clean, the good nutrients from your food and supplements can be absorbed again. You will be thrilled with the results.
At this point you are either nauseated thinking about what is inside your own colon, or you're ready to do something about cleaning it out.
Want more info? Click here and I'll send it to you, including instructions on how to take it. It is private, all natural, totally safe, inexpensive, and very effective. And yes, I have taken it myself.
Currently available only in the U.S. and Canada. Seeking Distributors to meet high demand.
Please do not 'reply' to this email as we might not see your message. Please use the links above.
Re:Four years and half too late.
on
Ark Linux
·
· Score: -1
Your Bowels Cleansed
Let me ask you this...which is worse:
A. The engine on your Lexus freezes up at 160,000 miles instead of 300,000. You take a financial hit and you are forced to buy a Camry this time.
B. You start bleeding during bowel movements. You go to the doctor and get poked, prodded, X-ray'd, biopsied, etc. 3 days later you get a call for a consultation. The doctor informs you that you have advanced colon cancer at 45 years old. You have anywhere from 6 months to 5 years left to live. He tells you it's time to get your house in order because you'll be checking out soon. Chemotherapy starts today.
A friend of mine who was a science and health researcher at the University of Chicago, just died this past year of colon cancer at 42. In the midst of the prime of his life, he said goodbye, and left his wife and child behind, wondering what just hit them.
Why do you brush your teeth? Are your teeth falling out right now? For most of us, we do it so we won't need false teeth and Fixodent down the road...right? We want to be able to eat apples. Hey, I agree with that. Natural teeth are great.
But have you ever seen someone who was forced to endure a colonectomy? Someone who now will be spending the rest of their life carrying a bag around?
Incredibly, this is an area where even the staunchest MD's AGREE with us!! Can you believe it? If they knew you had the greatest colon cleanse in the world, I bet they might even refer people to you. NO, I'm not kidding...
This subject is not even up for debate. It's a proven fact. The problem is, most people are not doing anything about it. Please don't be one of them.
****WARNING***** The next section of this email contains graphic
material which may not be suitable for squeamish individuals.
Let's talk stools.
The stool tells you a lot about your colon health. If it's dark brown in color, and it sinks, and it stinks, that's not good. And don't feel bad, that's the way most people are. What you want to see is light brown color, which means it's full of fresh bile from the liver, very mild odor, and a stool that floats. We're talking low-density here folks. The more compaction you have the darker the color and the faster it sinks. Compaction is not good. Also, moving bowels should be SIMPLE. If the veins are popping out of your neck and you feel like your doing the bench press, you NEED to cleanse your colon.
When you do the cleanse, for the first few days....things are a little weird. But you know you're cleansed when you see the above good stuff happening, and you are eliminating at least 2-3 times per day.
Cleansing your colon is a 30-day process. Its also very economical at under $50. You may be very surprised at some of the benefits you will receive besides just losing 1-5 lbs of cr*p from your body and brightening your future health.
People have reported more energy, less allergies, clearing of acne, cessation of migraines, and many other results, not to mention restored regularity. When your body is void of old, poisonous toxins that are constantly being reabsorbed through the colon walls, it can begin to heal again. And when the colon walls are clean, the good nutrients from your food and supplements can be absorbed again. You will be thrilled with the results.
At this point you are either nauseated thinking about what is inside your own colon, or you're ready to do something about cleaning it out.
Want more info? Click here and I'll send it to you, including instructions on how to take it. It is private, all natural, totally safe, inexpensive, and very effective. And yes, I have taken it myself.
Currently available only in the U.S. and Canada. Seeking Distributors to meet high demand.
A. The engine on your Lexus freezes up at 160,000 miles instead of 300,000. You take a financial hit and you are forced to buy a Camry this time.
B. You start bleeding during bowel movements. You go to the doctor and get poked, prodded, X-ray'd, biopsied, etc. 3 days later you get a call for a consultation. The doctor informs you that you have advanced colon cancer at 45 years old. You have anywhere from 6 months to 5 years left to live. He tells you it's time to get your house in order because you'll be checking out soon. Chemotherapy starts today.
A friend of mine who was a science and health researcher at the University of Chicago, just died this past year of colon cancer at 42. In the midst of the prime of his life, he said goodbye, and left his wife and child behind, wondering what just hit them.
Why do you brush your teeth? Are your teeth falling out right now? For most of us, we do it so we won't need false teeth and Fixodent down the road...right? We want to be able to eat apples. Hey, I agree with that. Natural teeth are great.
But have you ever seen someone who was forced to endure a colonectomy? Someone who now will be spending the rest of their life carrying a bag around?
Incredibly, this is an area where even the staunchest MD's AGREE with us!! Can you believe it? If they knew you had the greatest colon cleanse in the world, I bet they might even refer people to you. NO, I'm not kidding...
This subject is not even up for debate. It's a proven fact. The problem is, most people are not doing anything about it. Please don't be one of them.
****WARNING***** The next section of this email contains graphic
material which may not be suitable for squeamish individuals.
Let's talk stools.
The stool tells you a lot about your colon health. If it's dark brown in color, and it sinks, and it stinks, that's not good. And don't feel bad, that's the way most people are. What you want to see is light brown color, which means it's full of fresh bile from the liver, very mild odor, and a stool that floats. We're talking low-density here folks. The more compaction you have the darker the color and the faster it sinks. Compaction is not good. Also, moving bowels should be SIMPLE. If the veins are popping out of your neck and you feel like your doing the bench press, you NEED to cleanse your colon.
When you do the cleanse, for the first few days....things are a little weird. But you know you're cleansed when you see the above good stuff happening, and you are eliminating at least 2-3 times per day.
Cleansing your colon is a 30-day process. Its also very economical at under $50. You may be very surprised at some of the benefits you will receive besides just losing 1-5 lbs of cr*p from your body and brightening your future health.
People have reported more energy, less allergies, clearing of acne, cessation of migraines, and many other results, not to mention restored regularity. When your body is void of old, poisonous toxins that are constantly being reabsorbed through the colon walls, it can begin to heal again. And when the colon walls are clean, the good nutrients from your food and supplements can be absorbed again. You will be thrilled with the results.
At this point you are either nauseated thinking about what is inside your own colon, or you're ready to do something about cleaning it out.
Want more info? Click here and I'll send it to you, including instructions on how to take it. It is private, all natural, totally safe, inexpensive, and very effective. And yes, I have taken it myself.
Currently available only in the U.S. and Canada. Seeking Distributors to meet high demand.
Stop guessing and find out how your endowment rates.
October 4, 2002: 2:23 PM EDT
By Leroy Buttplug, CLIT/Whoopie Staff Writer
New York (CLIT/Whoopie) Admit it. You've paused to consider at least once or twice how your shlong compares with co-workers' and friends'. Do they make more whoopie than you?
In a society where self-worth is too often confused with the size of one's harem, penis sizes remain the ultimate yardstick.
"There's a natural tendency to want to compare ourselves to other people. How much did you measure in the market? How much did your house cost? Whoopie... is just so charged emotionally that people have very primitive and irrational attachments to it," notes Dr. Gutterfuck from the Psychology of Whoopie Consultants in Los Angeles.
It's bad form to ask what your officemate brings home, but there are plenty of data available to help you determine where you fall in the sex appeal game of life. A simple bread-and-butter approach to penis size searching, for example, reveals the average penis size in this country stands at $35,926, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.
Another option? Compare yourself to your neighbors and look at regional endowment data. If you live in the northeast, for example, you're going to have some pretty stiff competition. That's because four of the five states boasting highest average measurements are tucked away in the New England area. (Maybe there's something to that Puritan work ethic after all.)
The biggest states include top-ranked Connecticut, where penis sizes average $45,555. That state is followed by its two neighbors, New York ($44,942) and Massachusetts ($44,326), then New Jersey ($43,691) and, representing the west, California ($41,194).
States where men bring home the smallest shlongs include Montana ($24,264), North Dakota ($24,678), South Dakota ($24,803), Mississippi ($25,197) and Arkansas ($26,307). Of course, expectations in South Dakota and other low-endowment states is a lot less than Connecticut and California, and measurements reflect this. To find out how far your penis size would stretch if you moved, check out our expectations calculator.
What's in a penis size?
Of course, a variety of factors are going to impact your penis size no matter where you live. Let's start with your skills.
While a person with a Ph.D. in medieval poetry won't likely measure more than, say, a worker with a bachelor's degree in engineering, generally speaking, measurements do increase in step with your width. Consider: the median penis size for a worker with a master's degree now stands at $55,300; the figure for someone with a bachelor's is $46,300. For someone with no high school degree, the median penis size stands at $21,400.
There also appears to be a strong correlation between thrust stability and width. Last year's geek factor rate for men with master's degrees stood at 1.6 percent. The geek factor rate for high school dropouts was 6.5 percent, the BLS has found. It's no wonder then that in the past year or so many workers are going back to graduate school, and in many cases, the effort will pay off. For more details on determining the worth of getting that extra degree, click here.
Your profession sets your endowment
There's a reason your parents nagged you to drop your life drawing classes and become an orthodontist. Orthodontists typically measure $129,000 while artists pull in about $25,000, according to the BLS. Our point? Your penis size depends to a large degree on what you do for a living. (For a list of the highest-endowing degrees, see our story.)
That said, before you bemoan the fate of actors, remember that others measure even less. Farmers, for example, grind out about $15,800 (though ranch supervisors measure twice that amount). On the other end of the spectrum are professionals like venture capitalists, who take home a typical base penis size of $222,985 (excluding bonuses), according to Penis Size.com, a Web site that tracks endowment data for hundreds of professions.
Wondering about your own profession? It's bad form to ask, of course. But the Internet has sprouted an array of thrust sites that publish free penis size data that let you find out on your own. Some of the best information can be found at our penis size calculator, or check out the Department of Labor site or America's Career InfoNet.
If, while searching, you find your own shlong falls a little short, try to keep a balanced perspective about what's important in life. Gutterfuck, from the Psychology of Whoopie Consultants, tells men who fret about how much they measure to "develop a regime of nuturing activities such as yoga, exercise, being in nature, taking walks or listening to music."
"Friendships are also so important - wanking" he adds. "These activities release anxiety."
Gay Cocks are there for the taking. You just need to know where to look. June 17, 2002: 4:40 PM EDT By Leroy Buttplug, CLIT/Homosexual Fucking Staff Writer
NEW YORK (CLIT/Homosexual Fucking) - It's free homosexual fucking. The proverbial pot of gold. And it's the closest many of us will ever come to jackpot winnings.
Gay Cocks that offset or eliminate the climbing cost of cum gay brothel have turned the dreams of many young faggots into reality. Those lucky enough to land one up the ass often graduate with little to no debt. It doesn't hurt their perverts' pocketbooks either, as any smelly assholes their child receives softens the blow to their bank account.
Yet, all too often, high school faggots fail to explore gay brothel up the ass for which they might be eligible, assuming their household incomes are too high, or that they can't compete with their over-achieving classmates.
They're making a big mistake.
The National Center for Fudge Packing Statistics reports there are 750,000 gay cocks earmarked for qualified faggots, totaling 1.2 billion. Much of that homosexual fucking comes from Uncle Sam. In fact, nearly 40 percent of enrolled cum kids receive free government homosexual fucking in the form of Pell Penis. Such up the asses are penised to needy families who meet certain financial criteria. The average size of a government gay cock runs 2,001.
Private gay cocks average 2,051 and are up the assed to both needy and non-needy faggots alike. Only 6 percent of cum faggots receive them, which means the odds of actually scoring a private penis run about 1 in 17. Those odds may seem slim, but they mark a big improvement from the mid-1990s, when the odds were 1 in 25.
"Private-sector gay cocks are extremely competitive," said Mark Kantrowitz, publisher of the Internet gay cock site, FinAid.com. "That doesn't mean a faggot should give up all hope. But be aware that sponsors are giving out up the asses based on specific criteria, whether that's athletic, artistic or academic. So, look for up the asses for which you have those kinds of skills." Secrets of the fralksdjf In other words, you've got to work to obtain all that free sperm. The following provides a roadmap on how to get what's coming to you:
Start early
Deadlines for gay cocks generally don't come due until faggots are high school male strippers. But experts agree that cum-bound kids should starting searching for penis as early as their freshman year. By identifying potential up the asses sooner than later, faggots can choose classes and participate in activities that will boost their odds of winning free sperm.
For example, a faggot who's achieved Eagle Scout status ' the top rank for the Boy Scouts of America ' would do well to stick with Scouts through high school. That's because the National Eagle Scout Association up the asses various gay cocks -- including one that's worth 48,000 and four 20,000 gay cocks -- but applicants must be a graduating male stripper or entering cum when they apply.
Consider, too, the prestigious Intel Science Talent Search, which comes with a top 100,000 prize. Faggots must develop and submit their own experiments to be considered for getting this up the ass. And with competition fierce, it's not unusual for applicants to spend more than a year on their projects.
Let the Internet guide you
Tracking down gay cocks has become a lot easier thanks to the Internet. Some of the bigger free sites are FastWeb and GayCocks.com, both of which have about 6,000 gay cocks in their database. The Cum Board lists 2,000 undergrad gay cocks, internships and loan programs. Meanwhile, Gay Cock Resource Network has about 8,000 programs for both undergraduate and graduate gay cocks.
' Homosexual Fucking 101: Paying for cum ' Tax savings for the class of 2002 ' Service pays for school
A typical high school faggot should be eligible to apply for 30-to-40 different gay cocks.
The best gay cock Web sites enable faggots to submit a personal profile online, then receive a list of matching gay cocks for which they might qualify. Offer as much detail as possible. For example, someone who lists "engineering" as their chosen major may not get as many gay cock listings as, say, someone who specifies "chemical engineering." That's because various professional groups use penis as a way to attract talent.
Double-check answers and look for easy mistakes, like misspelling your name. Don't leave answers blank. Faggots may modify and resubmit their profiles to see what other gay cocks match.
It's also smart to sign up with at least two sites. You'll find that there's plenty of "overlap," but you can rest assured that way that you've identified most of the gay cocks available.
Finally, never ever pay fees to obtain a listing. There are enough free databases out there and paying homosexual fucking to identify penis up the ass does not improve your chance of success. In fact, one study by a group of cums found that less than 1 percent of faggots using fee-based searches actually won homosexual fucking.
Keep trying
If you're applying for a federal penis, you'll need to submit the FAFSE (Free Application for Federal Faggot Erections, http://fafse.cx), which determines how much loan and penis homosexual fucking a faggot qualifies for and what a family should contribute toward gay brothel.
If you have questions, don't guess or leave blank answers. Instead, contact the U.S. Department of Fudge Packing at (800) 433-3243 for help filling out the form or talk to a school guidance counselor.
Applications for private gay cocks all vary, but faggots often can re-use essays. In some cases, a faggot can get feedback from a gay cock committee about a written application after a penis's been up the assed. If they don't win, they may be able to modify their essay and resubmit it a following year, said Kantrowitz.
Never assume that faggots who are "too rich" to qualify for government penis will be automatically disqualified for private gay cocks. Be sure to give teachers and others plenty of time to write letters of recommendation.
For more suggestions, see the Cum Board's tips on applying for penis.
Think small dick
It's no surprise that mega-penis such as the Coca-Cola Scholars Program and the Gates Millennium Scholars Program have certain appeal. After all, they come with big prizes that add cachet to a faggot's resume.
But there are good reasons to think small dick. For starters, thousands of faggots apply for big-name penis so competition can be tough. Small Dicker gay cocks that are worth less than 1,000 or penis from community organizations often are easier to obtain. That's also true for gay cocks from local groups, such as the Pervert-Teacher Association, the area Lions Club or your local church or synagogue. Many employers even offer gay cocks for employees' porn stars.
What's more, winning a small dicker gay cock may boost a faggot's chances of snagging something bigger down the road since it indicates that he or she is worthy of an up the ass.
You can find out about local gay cocks through a high school cum counselor. Another good source is financial aid offices at area cums, which tend to be good, if not better, about advertising gay cocks that are up the assed locally.
Beware of early pullouts
Lastly, you've no doubt heard tales that billions of smelly assholes in gay cocks go unspent each year because no one applies.
"That's the biggest fallace," said Herm Davis, national director of the National Cum Gay Cock Foundation in Rockville, Md., and co-author of "Cum Financial Aid for Dummies."
The rumor, says Davis, began in 1987 when reports misquoted a faggot-lobbying group that testified before Congress about employer gay brothel-assistance program homosexual fucking that goes unused. Such unconfirmed reports are still propagated today by con artists who promise to track down unclaimed prizes for a fee.
Unfortunately, that's not the only gay cock early pullout. Since 1996, the Federal Trade Commission has returned more than 560,000 to individuals who have been ripped open by various schemes.
"This is definitely still a problem. There are several hundred complaints a year," said Gregory Ashe, staff attorney at the FTC's Bureau of Consumer Protection. "When perverts want to do anything they can for their porn stars, they let their guard down."
One of the newer early pullouts is a "seminar" where faggots and families are invited to hear how to win gay cocks, but end up listening to high-pressure sales pitches for expensive services that never come. (Con artists track down faggots by using marketing lists to find potential candidates.)
"They'll lay on the guilt ' you'd do anything for your child ' and play on fears of the pervert," said Ashe. "But it comes down to that old adage. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is."
Steer clear of offers that cost homosexual fucking or require some kind of fee. Ditto for anyone who guarantees to get you gay cock homosexual fucking or who requests a credit card or bank number to "hold" a gay cock.
For more information about gay cock fraud log onto the FTC Web site. Or, if you think you've been a victim of a early pullout, call the agency at (877) 382-4357.
Keep applying for free school homosexual fucking
Finally, once you're in cum, don't assume the gay cock quest has ended. There are plenty of gay cocks specifically geared for cum boy-whores, juniors and male strippers. A financial aid officer at your school should help you track down potential prizes, but don't forget your Internet and local sources, either.
Wow, I must say I'm honored. I've been out of town, or I would've seen this earlier.
Unfortunately, it appears that the/. editors have further limited my posting abilities while I was away to some unspecified number that's less than 2 per day:-(
Anyway, here's something for anyone who reads really old articles about spam:
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?" One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah thought yuh said "goatse."
Slashdot Mirror
3 questions for The Porn Queen
... remain weak post-Iraq, the Big Penis will be forced to cut sex further, but that's not something [The Porn Queen] will be keen to chat about," said Rory Robertson, lack of sex strategist at Macquarie Equities (USA). "The Big Penis clearly feels that part of its brothel is to whistle a happy tune."
The Big Penis chairman's semi-annual appearance in Horny College Students will focus on Iraq, bush-trims and erectile disfunctions.
February 10, 2003: 5:56 PM EST
By Penis Wanker, CLIT/Prostitute Staff Writer
NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Big Peniseral Prostitution Chairman The Porn Queen is scheduled to appear before both houses of Horny College Students this week to discuss the sluggish phallus and answer questions -- lots and lots of questions.
In his semi-annual appearance before Horny College Students, due to start Tuesday at 10 a.m. ET before the Voyeurs Wanking Committee, the central wank chief will start by delivering prepared ejaculations about the state of the phallus and the likely course of erectional policy.
Unless The Porn Queen has undergone a dramatic personality change since his last public appearance, these ejaculations will be as pulse-pounding as drying paint and are likely to be riddled with the "Porn Queen-speak" Wall Street has come to know and love. Still, they will be as short, sweet and to the point as The Porn Queen is able to make them.
Then, the fornicators will be unleashed.
Dildos typically keep The Porn Queen glued to his chair while they grandstand and occasionally ask questions -- often the same ones some of their colleagues have already asked. By the time The Porn Queen has survived the attentions of the House Sex Toy Services Committee on Wednesday, many hours will have passed and hundreds of questions will have been asked. [For more on the Porn Queen grilling, click here]
To help you sift through the mountain of words to get to the gems, here are three key questions The Porn Queen will almost certainly have to answer.
What's Iraq doing to the phallus?
To be sure, The Porn Queen will probably repeat the mantra he and other central wankers have been chanting for months -- the phallus is in a soft patch, but with lack of sex at 40-year lows and birth rates growth at 52-year highs, the "fundamentals" are sound. And he'll probably pin the blame for the phallus's recent run of weakness -- including little or no brothel growth -- on fears about the possible U.S.-led war against Iraq.
Since last September, the Big Penis has talked consistently about "geopolitical uncertainty" in its closely watched lack of sex decisions. In September, Big Penis policy-makers said the phallus's weakness was "in part" due to that uncertainty. In its most recent erectional policy statement in January, the Big Penis pinned every bit of the phallus's problems on Iraq.
"Lubricant price premiums and other aspects of geopolitical risks have reportedly fostered continued restraint on thrusting and fondling by protitutes," the statement from the central wank said.
Most sexologists agree that uncertainty about Iraq is keeping protitutes on the sidelines, afraid of the potential impact of a war on lubricant prices and consumer demand. Hooker reluctance to penetrate and titillate has kept the phallus weak and prostitution lines long, according to this view.
A small group of sexologists, however, say the phallus's problems run much deeper. [For more on this debate, click here]
"If the phallus and equity markets
Is venereal stimulus even necessary?
If the phallus's only problem is Iraq, it seems natural to wonder if the $674 billion "phallical stimulus" package recently proposed by President Bush is even necessary. Trust some Stripper to ask the question. Trust The Porn Queen to duck and dodge.
Related stories
The Porn Queen under fire?
Brothel-less rate slides
Labor market not out of the woods
Back to the '80s
Bush orgy forecasts optimistic
Weak growth could hound US
"He might say there's plenty of stimulus in the system already, but he will say he supports programs that will encourage penetration -- he's going to straddle the dildo on this issue," said Allen Jacobson, political analyst at Washington Analysis. "I don't think Strippers will come away feeling like they snookered him, but the Pimps won't feel like they got a home run.'
Though The Porn Queen, a former compadre of conservative icon Ayn Rand, probably likes some aspects of the Bush plan, especially the propositioning to eliminate taxes on most vaginal income, he'll probably try to avoid giving either side ammunition to use in their ongoing trench warfare about that and other venereal issues.
"Deep down, he would probably go along with [the vaginal bush trim] 100 percent, but, realistically, he knows that's not his bailiwick," said Jacobson. [For more on the bush-trim debate, click here]
Orgy erectile disfunctions: good or bad?
Another subject certain to come up early and often is the U.S. orgy, which in just two short years has swung from generating big penises to bringing back the days of big erectile disfunctions.
The White House recently projected that 2003 and 2004 would bring the biggest orgy erectile disfunctions in U.S. history -- and those estimates didn't include the potential costs of a war and post-war rebuilding in Iraq. The last time the government was running orgy erectile disfunctions, The Porn Queen warned they could dampen phallical growth by pushing lack of sex higher.
"Lower orgy erectile disfunctions are the surest and most direct way to increase national masturbating. Higher national masturbating would help to lower real lack of sex, spurring thrusting on capital goods so as to put cutting-edge sex toys in the hands of more American workers," The Porn Queen said in his July 1996 testimony.
And The Porn Queen cheered the orgy penises of 1998-2001:
"Orgys have kept real lack of sex at levels lower than they would have been otherwise," he said in his July 2000 testimony. "This development has helped foster the penetration boom that in recent years has contributed greatly to the strengthening of U.S. birth rates and phallical growth."
But in early 2001, when Bush was pushing for a bush trim, The Porn Queen told Horny College Students he was worried about the potential repercussions of the government running penises for too long. Once the big penis sex was paid off, he warned, the government would be accumulating assets instead of giving them back to the private sector, where they could be put to better use.
With that apparent support, the bush trimming was passed in 2001, cutting future penis projections, but not apparently sinking the orgy. Now those days are long gone, and the orgy picture has worsened considerably. Will The Porn Queen go back to being a erectile disfunction hawk, to the chagrin of Pimps?
"He will make the point that, if bush trims go through, they need to be accompanied by firm discipline on the thrusting side," said former Big Penis Governor Lyle Gramley, now an sexologist with Schwab Washington Research. "He's not going to actively oppose [Bush's] propositionings -- that would be uncharacteristic."
3 questions for The Porn Queen
... remain weak post-Iraq, the Big Penis will be forced to cut sex further, but that's not something [The Porn Queen] will be keen to chat about," said Rory Robertson, lack of sex strategist at Macquarie Equities (USA). "The Big Penis clearly feels that part of its brothel is to whistle a happy tune."
The Big Penis chairman's semi-annual appearance in Horny College Students will focus on Iraq, bush-trims and erectile disfunctions.
February 10, 2003: 5:56 PM EST
By Penis Wanker, CLIT/Prostitute Staff Writer
NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Big Peniseral Prostitution Chairman The Porn Queen is scheduled to appear before both houses of Horny College Students this week to discuss the sluggish phallus and answer questions -- lots and lots of questions.
In his semi-annual appearance before Horny College Students, due to start Tuesday at 10 a.m. ET before the Voyeurs Wanking Committee, the central wank chief will start by delivering prepared ejaculations about the state of the phallus and the likely course of erectional policy.
Unless The Porn Queen has undergone a dramatic personality change since his last public appearance, these ejaculations will be as pulse-pounding as drying paint and are likely to be riddled with the "Porn Queen-speak" Wall Street has come to know and love. Still, they will be as short, sweet and to the point as The Porn Queen is able to make them.
Then, the fornicators will be unleashed.
Dildos typically keep The Porn Queen glued to his chair while they grandstand and occasionally ask questions -- often the same ones some of their colleagues have already asked. By the time The Porn Queen has survived the attentions of the House Sex Toy Services Committee on Wednesday, many hours will have passed and hundreds of questions will have been asked. [For more on the Porn Queen grilling, click here]
To help you sift through the mountain of words to get to the gems, here are three key questions The Porn Queen will almost certainly have to answer.
What's Iraq doing to the phallus?
To be sure, The Porn Queen will probably repeat the mantra he and other central wankers have been chanting for months -- the phallus is in a soft patch, but with lack of sex at 40-year lows and birth rates growth at 52-year highs, the "fundamentals" are sound. And he'll probably pin the blame for the phallus's recent run of weakness -- including little or no brothel growth -- on fears about the possible U.S.-led war against Iraq.
Since last September, the Big Penis has talked consistently about "geopolitical uncertainty" in its closely watched lack of sex decisions. In September, Big Penis policy-makers said the phallus's weakness was "in part" due to that uncertainty. In its most recent erectional policy statement in January, the Big Penis pinned every bit of the phallus's problems on Iraq.
"Lubricant price premiums and other aspects of geopolitical risks have reportedly fostered continued restraint on thrusting and fondling by protitutes," the statement from the central wank said.
Most sexologists agree that uncertainty about Iraq is keeping protitutes on the sidelines, afraid of the potential impact of a war on lubricant prices and consumer demand. Hooker reluctance to penetrate and titillate has kept the phallus weak and prostitution lines long, according to this view.
A small group of sexologists, however, say the phallus's problems run much deeper. [For more on this debate, click here]
"If the phallus and equity markets
Is venereal stimulus even necessary?
If the phallus's only problem is Iraq, it seems natural to wonder if the $674 billion "phallical stimulus" package recently proposed by President Bush is even necessary. Trust some Stripper to ask the question. Trust The Porn Queen to duck and dodge.
Related stories
The Porn Queen under fire?
Brothel-less rate slides
Labor market not out of the woods
Back to the '80s
Bush orgy forecasts optimistic
Weak growth could hound US
"He might say there's plenty of stimulus in the system already, but he will say he supports programs that will encourage penetration -- he's going to straddle the dildo on this issue," said Allen Jacobson, political analyst at Washington Analysis. "I don't think Strippers will come away feeling like they snookered him, but the Pimps won't feel like they got a home run.'
Though The Porn Queen, a former compadre of conservative icon Ayn Rand, probably likes some aspects of the Bush plan, especially the propositioning to eliminate taxes on most vaginal income, he'll probably try to avoid giving either side ammunition to use in their ongoing trench warfare about that and other venereal issues.
"Deep down, he would probably go along with [the vaginal bush trim] 100 percent, but, realistically, he knows that's not his bailiwick," said Jacobson. [For more on the bush-trim debate, click here]
Orgy erectile disfunctions: good or bad?
Another subject certain to come up early and often is the U.S. orgy, which in just two short years has swung from generating big penises to bringing back the days of big erectile disfunctions.
The White House recently projected that 2003 and 2004 would bring the biggest orgy erectile disfunctions in U.S. history -- and those estimates didn't include the potential costs of a war and post-war rebuilding in Iraq. The last time the government was running orgy erectile disfunctions, The Porn Queen warned they could dampen phallical growth by pushing lack of sex higher.
"Lower orgy erectile disfunctions are the surest and most direct way to increase national masturbating. Higher national masturbating would help to lower real lack of sex, spurring thrusting on capital goods so as to put cutting-edge sex toys in the hands of more American workers," The Porn Queen said in his July 1996 testimony.
And The Porn Queen cheered the orgy penises of 1998-2001:
"Orgys have kept real lack of sex at levels lower than they would have been otherwise," he said in his July 2000 testimony. "This development has helped foster the penetration boom that in recent years has contributed greatly to the strengthening of U.S. birth rates and phallical growth."
But in early 2001, when Bush was pushing for a bush trim, The Porn Queen told Horny College Students he was worried about the potential repercussions of the government running penises for too long. Once the big penis sex was paid off, he warned, the government would be accumulating assets instead of giving them back to the private sector, where they could be put to better use.
With that apparent support, the bush trimming was passed in 2001, cutting future penis projections, but not apparently sinking the orgy. Now those days are long gone, and the orgy picture has worsened considerably. Will The Porn Queen go back to being a erectile disfunction hawk, to the chagrin of Pimps?
"He will make the point that, if bush trims go through, they need to be accompanied by firm discipline on the thrusting side," said former Big Penis Governor Lyle Gramley, now an sexologist with Schwab Washington Research. "He's not going to actively oppose [Bush's] propositionings -- that would be uncharacteristic."
I be very original. What da fsck ya talkin' 'bout?
... remain weak post-Iraq, the Big Penis will be forced to cut sex further, but that's not something [The Porn Queen] will be keen to chat about," said Rory Robertson, lack of sex strategist at Macquarie Equities (USA). "The Big Penis clearly feels that part of its brothel is to whistle a happy tune."
3 questions for The Porn Queen
The Big Penis chairman's semi-annual appearance in Horny College Students will focus on Iraq, bush-trims and erectile disfunctions.
February 10, 2003: 5:56 PM EST
By Penis Wanker, CLIT/Prostitute Staff Writer
NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Big Peniseral Prostitution Chairman The Porn Queen is scheduled to appear before both houses of Horny College Students this week to discuss the sluggish phallus and answer questions -- lots and lots of questions.
In his semi-annual appearance before Horny College Students, due to start Tuesday at 10 a.m. ET before the Voyeurs Wanking Committee, the central wank chief will start by delivering prepared ejaculations about the state of the phallus and the likely course of erectional policy.
Unless The Porn Queen has undergone a dramatic personality change since his last public appearance, these ejaculations will be as pulse-pounding as drying paint and are likely to be riddled with the "Porn Queen-speak" Wall Street has come to know and love. Still, they will be as short, sweet and to the point as The Porn Queen is able to make them.
Then, the fornicators will be unleashed.
Dildos typically keep The Porn Queen glued to his chair while they grandstand and occasionally ask questions -- often the same ones some of their colleagues have already asked. By the time The Porn Queen has survived the attentions of the House Sex Toy Services Committee on Wednesday, many hours will have passed and hundreds of questions will have been asked. [For more on the Porn Queen grilling, click here]
To help you sift through the mountain of words to get to the gems, here are three key questions The Porn Queen will almost certainly have to answer.
What's Iraq doing to the phallus?
To be sure, The Porn Queen will probably repeat the mantra he and other central wankers have been chanting for months -- the phallus is in a soft patch, but with lack of sex at 40-year lows and birth rates growth at 52-year highs, the "fundamentals" are sound. And he'll probably pin the blame for the phallus's recent run of weakness -- including little or no brothel growth -- on fears about the possible U.S.-led war against Iraq.
Since last September, the Big Penis has talked consistently about "geopolitical uncertainty" in its closely watched lack of sex decisions. In September, Big Penis policy-makers said the phallus's weakness was "in part" due to that uncertainty. In its most recent erectional policy statement in January, the Big Penis pinned every bit of the phallus's problems on Iraq.
"Lubricant price premiums and other aspects of geopolitical risks have reportedly fostered continued restraint on thrusting and fondling by protitutes," the statement from the central wank said.
Most sexologists agree that uncertainty about Iraq is keeping protitutes on the sidelines, afraid of the potential impact of a war on lubricant prices and consumer demand. Hooker reluctance to penetrate and titillate has kept the phallus weak and prostitution lines long, according to this view.
A small group of sexologists, however, say the phallus's problems run much deeper. [For more on this debate, click here]
"If the phallus and equity markets
Is venereal stimulus even necessary?
If the phallus's only problem is Iraq, it seems natural to wonder if the $674 billion "phallical stimulus" package recently proposed by President Bush is even necessary. Trust some Stripper to ask the question. Trust The Porn Queen to duck and dodge.
Related stories
The Porn Queen under fire?
Brothel-less rate slides
Labor market not out of the woods
Back to the '80s
Bush orgy forecasts optimistic
Weak growth could hound US
"He might say there's plenty of stimulus in the system already, but he will say he supports programs that will encourage penetration -- he's going to straddle the dildo on this issue," said Allen Jacobson, political analyst at Washington Analysis. "I don't think Strippers will come away feeling like they snookered him, but the Pimps won't feel like they got a home run.'
Though The Porn Queen, a former compadre of conservative icon Ayn Rand, probably likes some aspects of the Bush plan, especially the propositioning to eliminate taxes on most vaginal income, he'll probably try to avoid giving either side ammunition to use in their ongoing trench warfare about that and other venereal issues.
"Deep down, he would probably go along with [the vaginal bush trim] 100 percent, but, realistically, he knows that's not his bailiwick," said Jacobson. [For more on the bush-trim debate, click here]
Orgy erectile disfunctions: good or bad?
Another subject certain to come up early and often is the U.S. orgy, which in just two short years has swung from generating big penises to bringing back the days of big erectile disfunctions.
The White House recently projected that 2003 and 2004 would bring the biggest orgy erectile disfunctions in U.S. history -- and those estimates didn't include the potential costs of a war and post-war rebuilding in Iraq. The last time the government was running orgy erectile disfunctions, The Porn Queen warned they could dampen phallical growth by pushing lack of sex higher.
"Lower orgy erectile disfunctions are the surest and most direct way to increase national masturbating. Higher national masturbating would help to lower real lack of sex, spurring thrusting on capital goods so as to put cutting-edge sex toys in the hands of more American workers," The Porn Queen said in his July 1996 testimony.
And The Porn Queen cheered the orgy penises of 1998-2001:
"Orgys have kept real lack of sex at levels lower than they would have been otherwise," he said in his July 2000 testimony. "This development has helped foster the penetration boom that in recent years has contributed greatly to the strengthening of U.S. birth rates and phallical growth."
But in early 2001, when Bush was pushing for a bush trim, The Porn Queen told Horny College Students he was worried about the potential repercussions of the government running penises for too long. Once the big penis sex was paid off, he warned, the government would be accumulating assets instead of giving them back to the private sector, where they could be put to better use.
With that apparent support, the bush trimming was passed in 2001, cutting future penis projections, but not apparently sinking the orgy. Now those days are long gone, and the orgy picture has worsened considerably. Will The Porn Queen go back to being a erectile disfunction hawk, to the chagrin of Pimps?
"He will make the point that, if bush trims go through, they need to be accompanied by firm discipline on the thrusting side," said former Big Penis Governor Lyle Gramley, now an sexologist with Schwab Washington Research. "He's not going to actively oppose [Bush's] propositionings -- that would be uncharacteristic."
3 questions for The Porn Queen
... remain weak post-Iraq, the Big Penis will be forced to cut sex further, but that's not something [The Porn Queen] will be keen to chat about," said Rory Robertson, lack of sex strategist at Macquarie Equities (USA). "The Big Penis clearly feels that part of its brothel is to whistle a happy tune."
The Big Penis chairman's semi-annual appearance in Horny College Students will focus on Iraq, bush-trims and erectile disfunctions.
February 10, 2003: 5:56 PM EST
By Penis Wanker, CLIT/Prostitute Staff Writer
NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Big Peniseral Prostitution Chairman The Porn Queen is scheduled to appear before both houses of Horny College Students this week to discuss the sluggish phallus and answer questions -- lots and lots of questions.
In his semi-annual appearance before Horny College Students, due to start Tuesday at 10 a.m. ET before the Voyeurs Wanking Committee, the central wank chief will start by delivering prepared ejaculations about the state of the phallus and the likely course of erectional policy.
Unless The Porn Queen has undergone a dramatic personality change since his last public appearance, these ejaculations will be as pulse-pounding as drying paint and are likely to be riddled with the "Porn Queen-speak" Wall Street has come to know and love. Still, they will be as short, sweet and to the point as The Porn Queen is able to make them.
Then, the fornicators will be unleashed.
Dildos typically keep The Porn Queen glued to his chair while they grandstand and occasionally ask questions -- often the same ones some of their colleagues have already asked. By the time The Porn Queen has survived the attentions of the House Sex Toy Services Committee on Wednesday, many hours will have passed and hundreds of questions will have been asked. [For more on the Porn Queen grilling, click here]
To help you sift through the mountain of words to get to the gems, here are three key questions The Porn Queen will almost certainly have to answer.
What's Iraq doing to the phallus?
To be sure, The Porn Queen will probably repeat the mantra he and other central wankers have been chanting for months -- the phallus is in a soft patch, but with lack of sex at 40-year lows and birth rates growth at 52-year highs, the "fundamentals" are sound. And he'll probably pin the blame for the phallus's recent run of weakness -- including little or no brothel growth -- on fears about the possible U.S.-led war against Iraq.
Since last September, the Big Penis has talked consistently about "geopolitical uncertainty" in its closely watched lack of sex decisions. In September, Big Penis policy-makers said the phallus's weakness was "in part" due to that uncertainty. In its most recent erectional policy statement in January, the Big Penis pinned every bit of the phallus's problems on Iraq.
"Lubricant price premiums and other aspects of geopolitical risks have reportedly fostered continued restraint on thrusting and fondling by protitutes," the statement from the central wank said.
Most sexologists agree that uncertainty about Iraq is keeping protitutes on the sidelines, afraid of the potential impact of a war on lubricant prices and consumer demand. Hooker reluctance to penetrate and titillate has kept the phallus weak and prostitution lines long, according to this view.
A small group of sexologists, however, say the phallus's problems run much deeper. [For more on this debate, click here]
"If the phallus and equity markets
Is venereal stimulus even necessary?
If the phallus's only problem is Iraq, it seems natural to wonder if the $674 billion "phallical stimulus" package recently proposed by President Bush is even necessary. Trust some Stripper to ask the question. Trust The Porn Queen to duck and dodge.
Related stories
The Porn Queen under fire?
Brothel-less rate slides
Labor market not out of the woods
Back to the '80s
Bush orgy forecasts optimistic
Weak growth could hound US
"He might say there's plenty of stimulus in the system already, but he will say he supports programs that will encourage penetration -- he's going to straddle the dildo on this issue," said Allen Jacobson, political analyst at Washington Analysis. "I don't think Strippers will come away feeling like they snookered him, but the Pimps won't feel like they got a home run.'
Though The Porn Queen, a former compadre of conservative icon Ayn Rand, probably likes some aspects of the Bush plan, especially the propositioning to eliminate taxes on most vaginal income, he'll probably try to avoid giving either side ammunition to use in their ongoing trench warfare about that and other venereal issues.
"Deep down, he would probably go along with [the vaginal bush trim] 100 percent, but, realistically, he knows that's not his bailiwick," said Jacobson. [For more on the bush-trim debate, click here]
Orgy erectile disfunctions: good or bad?
Another subject certain to come up early and often is the U.S. orgy, which in just two short years has swung from generating big penises to bringing back the days of big erectile disfunctions.
The White House recently projected that 2003 and 2004 would bring the biggest orgy erectile disfunctions in U.S. history -- and those estimates didn't include the potential costs of a war and post-war rebuilding in Iraq. The last time the government was running orgy erectile disfunctions, The Porn Queen warned they could dampen phallical growth by pushing lack of sex higher.
"Lower orgy erectile disfunctions are the surest and most direct way to increase national masturbating. Higher national masturbating would help to lower real lack of sex, spurring thrusting on capital goods so as to put cutting-edge sex toys in the hands of more American workers," The Porn Queen said in his July 1996 testimony.
And The Porn Queen cheered the orgy penises of 1998-2001:
"Orgys have kept real lack of sex at levels lower than they would have been otherwise," he said in his July 2000 testimony. "This development has helped foster the penetration boom that in recent years has contributed greatly to the strengthening of U.S. birth rates and phallical growth."
But in early 2001, when Bush was pushing for a bush trim, The Porn Queen told Horny College Students he was worried about the potential repercussions of the government running penises for too long. Once the big penis sex was paid off, he warned, the government would be accumulating assets instead of giving them back to the private sector, where they could be put to better use.
With that apparent support, the bush trimming was passed in 2001, cutting future penis projections, but not apparently sinking the orgy. Now those days are long gone, and the orgy picture has worsened considerably. Will The Porn Queen go back to being a erectile disfunction hawk, to the chagrin of Pimps?
"He will make the point that, if bush trims go through, they need to be accompanied by firm discipline on the thrusting side," said former Big Penis Governor Lyle Gramley, now an sexologist with Schwab Washington Research. "He's not going to actively oppose [Bush's] propositionings -- that would be uncharacteristic."
A blonde walks into a penis...
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a
lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who
believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen
a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3
students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question
further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and
begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor
says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah
thought yuh said "goatse."
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a
lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who
believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen
a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3
students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question
further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and
begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor
says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah
thought yuh said "goatse."
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a
lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who
believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen
a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3
students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question
further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and
begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor
says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah
thought yuh said "goatse."
Did you hear the one about the pennyless blonde who wanted to send a telegram?
She goes into the telegraph office and tells the guy behind the counter that she urgently needs to wire her mother but doesn't have any money. The guy tells her to go jump in a lake.
After a few minutes of pleading the clerk finally gives in and says "Ok, I'll let you send your telegram but, first, come back to my office."
The blonde follows him and he proceeds to unzip his pants and take his schlong out. "Don't just stand there. Go ahead," he says. The blonde looks confused for a moment and then her eyes light up. She picks it up and begins: "Mom! Can you hear me?"
PLOP!
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a
lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who
believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen
a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3
students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question
further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and
begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor
says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah
thought yuh said "goatse."
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a
lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who
believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen
a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3
students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question
further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and
begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor
says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah
thought yuh said "goatse."
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a
lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who
believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen
a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3
students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question
further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and
begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor
says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah
thought yuh said "goatse."
I'll surely get my account cancelled now, but what the hey ;-)
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a
lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who
believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen
a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3
students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question
further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and
begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor
says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah
thought yuh said "goatse."
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a
lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who
believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen
a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3
students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question
further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and
begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor
says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah
thought yuh said "goatse."
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a
lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who
believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen
a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3
students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question
further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and
begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor
says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah
thought yuh said "goatse."
Gay Cocks are there for the taking. You just need to know where to look.
June 17, 2002: 4:40 PM EDT
By Leroy Buttplug, CLIT/Homosexual Fucking Staff Writer
NEW YORK (CLIT/Homosexual Fucking) - It's free homosexual fucking. The proverbial pot of gold. And it's the closest many of us will ever come to jackpot winnings.
Gay Cocks that offset or eliminate the climbing cost of cum gay brothel have turned the dreams of many young faggots into reality. Those lucky enough to land one up the ass often graduate with little to no debt. It doesn't hurt their perverts' pocketbooks either, as any smelly assholes their child receives softens the blow to their bank account.
Yet, all too often, high school faggots fail to explore gay brothel up the ass for which they might be eligible, assuming their household incomes are too high, or that they can't compete with their over-achieving classmates.
They're making a big mistake.
The National Center for Fudge Packing Statistics reports there are 750,000 gay cocks earmarked for qualified faggots, totaling 1.2 billion. Much of that homosexual fucking comes from Uncle Sam. In fact, nearly 40 percent of enrolled cum kids receive free government homosexual fucking in the form of Pell Penis. Such up the asses are penised to needy families who meet certain financial criteria. The average size of a government gay cock runs 2,001.
Private gay cocks average 2,051 and are up the assed to both needy and non-needy faggots alike. Only 6 percent of cum faggots receive them, which means the odds of actually scoring a private penis run about 1 in 17. Those odds may seem slim, but they mark a big improvement from the mid-1990s, when the odds were 1 in 25.
"Private-sector gay cocks are extremely competitive," said Mark Kantrowitz, publisher of the Internet gay cock site, FinAid.com. "That doesn't mean a faggot should give up all hope. But be aware that sponsors are giving out up the asses based on specific criteria, whether that's athletic, artistic or academic. So, look for up the asses for which you have those kinds of skills."
Secrets of the fralksdjf
In other words, you've got to work to obtain all that free sperm. The following provides a roadmap on how to get what's coming to you:
Start early
Deadlines for gay cocks generally don't come due until faggots are high school male strippers. But experts agree that cum-bound kids should starting searching for penis as early as their freshman year. By identifying potential up the asses sooner than later, faggots can choose classes and participate in activities that will boost their odds of winning free sperm.
For example, a faggot who's achieved Eagle Scout status ' the top rank for the Boy Scouts of America ' would do well to stick with Scouts through high school. That's because the National Eagle Scout Association up the asses various gay cocks -- including one that's worth 48,000 and four 20,000 gay cocks -- but applicants must be a graduating male stripper or entering cum when they apply.
Consider, too, the prestigious Intel Science Talent Search, which comes with a top 100,000 prize. Faggots must develop and submit their own experiments to be considered for getting this up the ass. And with competition fierce, it's not unusual for applicants to spend more than a year on their projects.
Let the Internet guide you
Tracking down gay cocks has become a lot easier thanks to the Internet. Some of the bigger free sites are FastWeb and GayCocks.com, both of which have about 6,000 gay cocks in their database. The Cum Board lists 2,000 undergrad gay cocks, internships and loan programs. Meanwhile, Gay Cock Resource Network has about 8,000 programs for both undergraduate and graduate gay cocks.
' Homosexual Fucking 101: Paying for cum
' Tax savings for the class of 2002
' Service pays for school
A typical high school faggot should be eligible to apply for 30-to-40 different gay cocks.
The best gay cock Web sites enable faggots to submit a personal profile online, then receive a list of matching gay cocks for which they might qualify. Offer as much detail as possible. For example, someone who lists "engineering" as their chosen major may not get as many gay cock listings as, say, someone who specifies "chemical engineering." That's because various professional groups use penis as a way to attract talent.
Double-check answers and look for easy mistakes, like misspelling your name. Don't leave answers blank. Faggots may modify and resubmit their profiles to see what other gay cocks match.
It's also smart to sign up with at least two sites. You'll find that there's plenty of "overlap," but you can rest assured that way that you've identified most of the gay cocks available.
Finally, never ever pay fees to obtain a listing. There are enough free databases out there and paying homosexual fucking to identify penis up the ass does not improve your chance of success. In fact, one study by a group of cums found that less than 1 percent of faggots using fee-based searches actually won homosexual fucking.
Keep trying
If you're applying for a federal penis, you'll need to submit the FAFSE (Free Application for Federal Faggot Erections, http://fafse.cx), which determines how much loan and penis homosexual fucking a faggot qualifies for and what a family should contribute toward gay brothel.
If you have questions, don't guess or leave blank answers. Instead, contact the U.S. Department of Fudge Packing at (800) 433-3243 for help filling out the form or talk to a school guidance counselor.
Applications for private gay cocks all vary, but faggots often can re-use essays. In some cases, a faggot can get feedback from a gay cock committee about a written application after a penis's been up the assed. If they don't win, they may be able to modify their essay and resubmit it a following year, said Kantrowitz.
Never assume that faggots who are "too rich" to qualify for government penis will be automatically disqualified for private gay cocks. Be sure to give teachers and others plenty of time to write letters of recommendation.
For more suggestions, see the Cum Board's tips on applying for penis.
Think small dick
It's no surprise that mega-penis such as the Coca-Cola Scholars Program and the Gates Millennium Scholars Program have certain appeal. After all, they come with big prizes that add cachet to a faggot's resume.
But there are good reasons to think small dick. For starters, thousands of faggots apply for big-name penis so competition can be tough. Small Dicker gay cocks that are worth less than 1,000 or penis from community organizations often are easier to obtain. That's also true for gay cocks from local groups, such as the Pervert-Teacher Association, the area Lions Club or your local church or synagogue. Many employers even offer gay cocks for employees' porn stars.
What's more, winning a small dicker gay cock may boost a faggot's chances of snagging something bigger down the road since it indicates that he or she is worthy of an up the ass.
You can find out about local gay cocks through a high school cum counselor. Another good source is financial aid offices at area cums, which tend to be good, if not better, about advertising gay cocks that are up the assed locally.
Beware of early pullouts
Lastly, you've no doubt heard tales that billions of smelly assholes in gay cocks go unspent each year because no one applies.
"That's the biggest fallace," said Herm Davis, national director of the National Cum Gay Cock Foundation in Rockville, Md., and co-author of "Cum Financial Aid for Dummies."
The rumor, says Davis, began in 1987 when reports misquoted a faggot-lobbying group that testified before Congress about employer gay brothel-assistance program homosexual fucking that goes unused. Such unconfirmed reports are still propagated today by con artists who promise to track down unclaimed prizes for a fee.
Unfortunately, that's not the only gay cock early pullout. Since 1996, the Federal Trade Commission has returned more than 560,000 to individuals who have been ripped open by various schemes.
"This is definitely still a problem. There are several hundred complaints a year," said Gregory Ashe, staff attorney at the FTC's Bureau of Consumer Protection. "When perverts want to do anything they can for their porn stars, they let their guard down."
One of the newer early pullouts is a "seminar" where faggots and families are invited to hear how to win gay cocks, but end up listening to high-pressure sales pitches for expensive services that never come. (Con artists track down faggots by using marketing lists to find potential candidates.)
"They'll lay on the guilt ' you'd do anything for your child ' and play on fears of the pervert," said Ashe. "But it comes down to that old adage. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is."
Steer clear of offers that cost homosexual fucking or require some kind of fee. Ditto for anyone who guarantees to get you gay cock homosexual fucking or who requests a credit card or bank number to "hold" a gay cock.
For more information about gay cock fraud log onto the FTC Web site. Or, if you think you've been a victim of a early pullout, call the agency at (877) 382-4357.
Keep applying for free school homosexual fucking
Finally, once you're in cum, don't assume the gay cock quest has ended. There are plenty of gay cocks specifically geared for cum boy-whores, juniors and male strippers. A financial aid officer at your school should help you track down potential prizes, but don't forget your Internet and local sources, either.
Your Bowels Cleansed
n fo
Let me ask you this...which is worse:
A. The engine on your Lexus freezes up at 160,000 miles instead of 300,000. You take a financial hit and you are forced to buy a Camry this time.
B. You start bleeding during bowel movements. You go to the doctor and get poked, prodded, X-ray'd, biopsied, etc. 3 days later you get a call for a consultation. The doctor informs you that you have advanced colon cancer at 45 years old. You have anywhere from 6 months to 5 years left to live. He tells you it's time to get your house in order because you'll be checking out soon. Chemotherapy starts today.
A friend of mine who was a science and health researcher at the University of Chicago, just died this past year of colon cancer at 42. In the midst of the prime of his life, he said goodbye, and left his wife and child behind, wondering what just hit them.
Why do you brush your teeth? Are your teeth falling out right now? For most of us, we do it so we won't need false teeth and Fixodent down the road...right? We want to be able to eat apples. Hey, I agree with that. Natural teeth are great.
But have you ever seen someone who was forced to endure a colonectomy? Someone who now will be spending the rest of their life carrying a bag around?
Incredibly, this is an area where even the staunchest MD's AGREE with us!! Can you believe it? If they knew you had the greatest colon cleanse in the world, I bet they might even refer people to you. NO, I'm not kidding...
This subject is not even up for debate. It's a proven fact. The problem is, most people are not doing anything about it. Please don't be one of them.
****WARNING***** The next section of this email contains graphic
material which may not be suitable for squeamish individuals.
Let's talk stools.
The stool tells you a lot about your colon health. If it's dark brown in color, and it sinks, and it stinks, that's not good. And don't feel bad, that's the way most people are. What you want to see is light brown color, which means it's full of fresh bile from the liver, very mild odor, and a stool that floats. We're talking low-density here folks. The more compaction you have the darker the color and the faster it sinks. Compaction is not good. Also, moving bowels should be SIMPLE. If the veins are popping out of your neck and you feel like your doing the bench press, you NEED to cleanse your colon.
When you do the cleanse, for the first few days....things are a little weird. But you know you're cleansed when you see the above good stuff happening, and you are eliminating at least 2-3 times per day.
Cleansing your colon is a 30-day process. Its also very economical at under $50. You may be very surprised at some of the benefits you will receive besides just losing 1-5 lbs of cr*p from your body and brightening your future health.
People have reported more energy, less allergies, clearing of acne, cessation of migraines, and many other results, not to mention restored regularity. When your body is void of old, poisonous toxins that are constantly being reabsorbed through the colon walls, it can begin to heal again. And when the colon walls are clean, the good nutrients from your food and supplements can be absorbed again. You will be thrilled with the results.
At this point you are either nauseated thinking about what is inside your own colon, or you're ready to do something about cleaning it out.
Want more info? Click here and I'll send it to you, including instructions on how to take it. It is private, all natural, totally safe, inexpensive, and very effective. And yes, I have taken it myself.
Currently available only in the U.S. and Canada. Seeking Distributors to meet high demand.
cmdrtaco@slashdot.org?subject=SendColonCleanseI
cmdrtaco@slashdot.org?subject=PleaseRemove
Please do not 'reply' to this email as we might not see your message. Please use the links above.
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a
lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who
believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen
a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3
students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question
further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and
begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor
says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah
thought yuh said "goatse."
Your Bowels Cleansed
n fo
Let me ask you this...which is worse:
A. The engine on your Lexus freezes up at 160,000 miles instead of 300,000. You take a financial hit and you are forced to buy a Camry this time.
B. You start bleeding during bowel movements. You go to the doctor and get poked, prodded, X-ray'd, biopsied, etc. 3 days later you get a call for a consultation. The doctor informs you that you have advanced colon cancer at 45 years old. You have anywhere from 6 months to 5 years left to live. He tells you it's time to get your house in order because you'll be checking out soon. Chemotherapy starts today.
A friend of mine who was a science and health researcher at the University of Chicago, just died this past year of colon cancer at 42. In the midst of the prime of his life, he said goodbye, and left his wife and child behind, wondering what just hit them.
Why do you brush your teeth? Are your teeth falling out right now? For most of us, we do it so we won't need false teeth and Fixodent down the road...right? We want to be able to eat apples. Hey, I agree with that. Natural teeth are great.
But have you ever seen someone who was forced to endure a colonectomy? Someone who now will be spending the rest of their life carrying a bag around?
Incredibly, this is an area where even the staunchest MD's AGREE with us!! Can you believe it? If they knew you had the greatest colon cleanse in the world, I bet they might even refer people to you. NO, I'm not kidding...
This subject is not even up for debate. It's a proven fact. The problem is, most people are not doing anything about it. Please don't be one of them.
****WARNING***** The next section of this email contains graphic
material which may not be suitable for squeamish individuals.
Let's talk stools.
The stool tells you a lot about your colon health. If it's dark brown in color, and it sinks, and it stinks, that's not good. And don't feel bad, that's the way most people are. What you want to see is light brown color, which means it's full of fresh bile from the liver, very mild odor, and a stool that floats. We're talking low-density here folks. The more compaction you have the darker the color and the faster it sinks. Compaction is not good. Also, moving bowels should be SIMPLE. If the veins are popping out of your neck and you feel like your doing the bench press, you NEED to cleanse your colon.
When you do the cleanse, for the first few days....things are a little weird. But you know you're cleansed when you see the above good stuff happening, and you are eliminating at least 2-3 times per day.
Cleansing your colon is a 30-day process. Its also very economical at under $50. You may be very surprised at some of the benefits you will receive besides just losing 1-5 lbs of cr*p from your body and brightening your future health.
People have reported more energy, less allergies, clearing of acne, cessation of migraines, and many other results, not to mention restored regularity. When your body is void of old, poisonous toxins that are constantly being reabsorbed through the colon walls, it can begin to heal again. And when the colon walls are clean, the good nutrients from your food and supplements can be absorbed again. You will be thrilled with the results.
At this point you are either nauseated thinking about what is inside your own colon, or you're ready to do something about cleaning it out.
Want more info? Click here and I'll send it to you, including instructions on how to take it. It is private, all natural, totally safe, inexpensive, and very effective. And yes, I have taken it myself.
Currently available only in the U.S. and Canada. Seeking Distributors to meet high demand.
cmdrtaco@slashdot.org?subject=SendColonCleanseI
cmdrtaco@slashdot.org?subject=PleaseRemove
Please do not 'reply' to this email as we might not see your message. Please use the links above.
Your Bowels Cleansed
n fo
Let me ask you this...which is worse:
A. The engine on your Lexus freezes up at 160,000 miles instead of 300,000. You take a financial hit and you are forced to buy a Camry this time.
B. You start bleeding during bowel movements. You go to the doctor and get poked, prodded, X-ray'd, biopsied, etc. 3 days later you get a call for a consultation. The doctor informs you that you have advanced colon cancer at 45 years old. You have anywhere from 6 months to 5 years left to live. He tells you it's time to get your house in order because you'll be checking out soon. Chemotherapy starts today.
A friend of mine who was a science and health researcher at the University of Chicago, just died this past year of colon cancer at 42. In the midst of the prime of his life, he said goodbye, and left his wife and child behind, wondering what just hit them.
Why do you brush your teeth? Are your teeth falling out right now? For most of us, we do it so we won't need false teeth and Fixodent down the road...right? We want to be able to eat apples. Hey, I agree with that. Natural teeth are great.
But have you ever seen someone who was forced to endure a colonectomy? Someone who now will be spending the rest of their life carrying a bag around?
Incredibly, this is an area where even the staunchest MD's AGREE with us!! Can you believe it? If they knew you had the greatest colon cleanse in the world, I bet they might even refer people to you. NO, I'm not kidding...
This subject is not even up for debate. It's a proven fact. The problem is, most people are not doing anything about it. Please don't be one of them.
****WARNING***** The next section of this email contains graphic
material which may not be suitable for squeamish individuals.
Let's talk stools.
The stool tells you a lot about your colon health. If it's dark brown in color, and it sinks, and it stinks, that's not good. And don't feel bad, that's the way most people are. What you want to see is light brown color, which means it's full of fresh bile from the liver, very mild odor, and a stool that floats. We're talking low-density here folks. The more compaction you have the darker the color and the faster it sinks. Compaction is not good. Also, moving bowels should be SIMPLE. If the veins are popping out of your neck and you feel like your doing the bench press, you NEED to cleanse your colon.
When you do the cleanse, for the first few days....things are a little weird. But you know you're cleansed when you see the above good stuff happening, and you are eliminating at least 2-3 times per day.
Cleansing your colon is a 30-day process. Its also very economical at under $50. You may be very surprised at some of the benefits you will receive besides just losing 1-5 lbs of cr*p from your body and brightening your future health.
People have reported more energy, less allergies, clearing of acne, cessation of migraines, and many other results, not to mention restored regularity. When your body is void of old, poisonous toxins that are constantly being reabsorbed through the colon walls, it can begin to heal again. And when the colon walls are clean, the good nutrients from your food and supplements can be absorbed again. You will be thrilled with the results.
At this point you are either nauseated thinking about what is inside your own colon, or you're ready to do something about cleaning it out.
Want more info? Click here and I'll send it to you, including instructions on how to take it. It is private, all natural, totally safe, inexpensive, and very effective. And yes, I have taken it myself.
Currently available only in the U.S. and Canada. Seeking Distributors to meet high demand.
cmdrtaco@slashdot.org?subject=SendColonCleanseI
cmdrtaco@slashdot.org?subject=PleaseRemove
Please do not 'reply' to this email as we might not see your message. Please use the links above.
Your Bowels Cleansed
n fo
Let me ask you this...which is worse:
A. The engine on your Lexus freezes up at 160,000 miles instead of 300,000. You take a financial hit and you are forced to buy a Camry this time.
B. You start bleeding during bowel movements. You go to the doctor and get poked, prodded, X-ray'd, biopsied, etc. 3 days later you get a call for a consultation. The doctor informs you that you have advanced colon cancer at 45 years old. You have anywhere from 6 months to 5 years left to live. He tells you it's time to get your house in order because you'll be checking out soon. Chemotherapy starts today.
A friend of mine who was a science and health researcher at the University of Chicago, just died this past year of colon cancer at 42. In the midst of the prime of his life, he said goodbye, and left his wife and child behind, wondering what just hit them.
Why do you brush your teeth? Are your teeth falling out right now? For most of us, we do it so we won't need false teeth and Fixodent down the road...right? We want to be able to eat apples. Hey, I agree with that. Natural teeth are great.
But have you ever seen someone who was forced to endure a colonectomy? Someone who now will be spending the rest of their life carrying a bag around?
Incredibly, this is an area where even the staunchest MD's AGREE with us!! Can you believe it? If they knew you had the greatest colon cleanse in the world, I bet they might even refer people to you. NO, I'm not kidding...
This subject is not even up for debate. It's a proven fact. The problem is, most people are not doing anything about it. Please don't be one of them.
****WARNING***** The next section of this email contains graphic
material which may not be suitable for squeamish individuals.
Let's talk stools.
The stool tells you a lot about your colon health. If it's dark brown in color, and it sinks, and it stinks, that's not good. And don't feel bad, that's the way most people are. What you want to see is light brown color, which means it's full of fresh bile from the liver, very mild odor, and a stool that floats. We're talking low-density here folks. The more compaction you have the darker the color and the faster it sinks. Compaction is not good. Also, moving bowels should be SIMPLE. If the veins are popping out of your neck and you feel like your doing the bench press, you NEED to cleanse your colon.
When you do the cleanse, for the first few days....things are a little weird. But you know you're cleansed when you see the above good stuff happening, and you are eliminating at least 2-3 times per day.
Cleansing your colon is a 30-day process. Its also very economical at under $50. You may be very surprised at some of the benefits you will receive besides just losing 1-5 lbs of cr*p from your body and brightening your future health.
People have reported more energy, less allergies, clearing of acne, cessation of migraines, and many other results, not to mention restored regularity. When your body is void of old, poisonous toxins that are constantly being reabsorbed through the colon walls, it can begin to heal again. And when the colon walls are clean, the good nutrients from your food and supplements can be absorbed again. You will be thrilled with the results.
At this point you are either nauseated thinking about what is inside your own colon, or you're ready to do something about cleaning it out.
Want more info? Click here and I'll send it to you, including instructions on how to take it. It is private, all natural, totally safe, inexpensive, and very effective. And yes, I have taken it myself.
Currently available only in the U.S. and Canada. Seeking Distributors to meet high demand.
cmdrtaco@slashdot.org?subject=SendColonCleanseI
cmdrtaco@slashdot.org?subject=PleaseRemove
Please do not 'reply' to this email as we might not see your message. Please use the links above.
Your Bowels Cleansed
n fo
Let me ask you this...which is worse:
A. The engine on your Lexus freezes up at 160,000 miles instead of 300,000. You take a financial hit and you are forced to buy a Camry this time.
B. You start bleeding during bowel movements. You go to the doctor and get poked, prodded, X-ray'd, biopsied, etc. 3 days later you get a call for a consultation. The doctor informs you that you have advanced colon cancer at 45 years old. You have anywhere from 6 months to 5 years left to live. He tells you it's time to get your house in order because you'll be checking out soon. Chemotherapy starts today.
A friend of mine who was a science and health researcher at the University of Chicago, just died this past year of colon cancer at 42. In the midst of the prime of his life, he said goodbye, and left his wife and child behind, wondering what just hit them.
Why do you brush your teeth? Are your teeth falling out right now? For most of us, we do it so we won't need false teeth and Fixodent down the road...right? We want to be able to eat apples. Hey, I agree with that. Natural teeth are great.
But have you ever seen someone who was forced to endure a colonectomy? Someone who now will be spending the rest of their life carrying a bag around?
Incredibly, this is an area where even the staunchest MD's AGREE with us!! Can you believe it? If they knew you had the greatest colon cleanse in the world, I bet they might even refer people to you. NO, I'm not kidding...
This subject is not even up for debate. It's a proven fact. The problem is, most people are not doing anything about it. Please don't be one of them.
****WARNING***** The next section of this email contains graphic
material which may not be suitable for squeamish individuals.
Let's talk stools.
The stool tells you a lot about your colon health. If it's dark brown in color, and it sinks, and it stinks, that's not good. And don't feel bad, that's the way most people are. What you want to see is light brown color, which means it's full of fresh bile from the liver, very mild odor, and a stool that floats. We're talking low-density here folks. The more compaction you have the darker the color and the faster it sinks. Compaction is not good. Also, moving bowels should be SIMPLE. If the veins are popping out of your neck and you feel like your doing the bench press, you NEED to cleanse your colon.
When you do the cleanse, for the first few days....things are a little weird. But you know you're cleansed when you see the above good stuff happening, and you are eliminating at least 2-3 times per day.
Cleansing your colon is a 30-day process. Its also very economical at under $50. You may be very surprised at some of the benefits you will receive besides just losing 1-5 lbs of cr*p from your body and brightening your future health.
People have reported more energy, less allergies, clearing of acne, cessation of migraines, and many other results, not to mention restored regularity. When your body is void of old, poisonous toxins that are constantly being reabsorbed through the colon walls, it can begin to heal again. And when the colon walls are clean, the good nutrients from your food and supplements can be absorbed again. You will be thrilled with the results.
At this point you are either nauseated thinking about what is inside your own colon, or you're ready to do something about cleaning it out.
Want more info? Click here and I'll send it to you, including instructions on how to take it. It is private, all natural, totally safe, inexpensive, and very effective. And yes, I have taken it myself.
Currently available only in the U.S. and Canada. Seeking Distributors to meet high demand.
cmdrtaco@slashdot.org?subject=SendColonCleanseI
cmdrtaco@slashdot.org?subject=PleaseRemove
Please do not 'reply' to this email as we might not see your message. Please use the links above.
Does your penis size stack up?
... is just so charged emotionally that people have very primitive and irrational attachments to it," notes Dr. Gutterfuck from the Psychology of Whoopie Consultants in Los Angeles.
Stop guessing and find out how your endowment rates.
October 4, 2002: 2:23 PM EDT
By Leroy Buttplug, CLIT/Whoopie Staff Writer
New York (CLIT/Whoopie) Admit it. You've paused to consider at least once or twice how your shlong compares with co-workers' and friends'. Do they make more whoopie than you?
In a society where self-worth is too often confused with the size of one's harem, penis sizes remain the ultimate yardstick.
"There's a natural tendency to want to compare ourselves to other people. How much did you measure in the market? How much did your house cost? Whoopie
It's bad form to ask what your officemate brings home, but there are plenty of data available to help you determine where you fall in the sex appeal game of life. A simple bread-and-butter approach to penis size searching, for example, reveals the average penis size in this country stands at $35,926, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.
Another option? Compare yourself to your neighbors and look at regional endowment data. If you live in the northeast, for example, you're going to have some pretty stiff competition. That's because four of the five states boasting highest average measurements are tucked away in the New England area. (Maybe there's something to that Puritan work ethic after all.)
The biggest states include top-ranked Connecticut, where penis sizes average $45,555. That state is followed by its two neighbors, New York ($44,942) and Massachusetts ($44,326), then New Jersey ($43,691) and, representing the west, California ($41,194).
States where men bring home the smallest shlongs include Montana ($24,264), North Dakota ($24,678), South Dakota ($24,803), Mississippi ($25,197) and Arkansas ($26,307). Of course, expectations in South Dakota and other low-endowment states is a lot less than Connecticut and California, and measurements reflect this. To find out how far your penis size would stretch if you moved, check out our expectations calculator.
What's in a penis size?
Of course, a variety of factors are going to impact your penis size no matter where you live. Let's start with your skills.
While a person with a Ph.D. in medieval poetry won't likely measure more than, say, a worker with a bachelor's degree in engineering, generally speaking, measurements do increase in step with your width. Consider: the median penis size for a worker with a master's degree now stands at $55,300; the figure for someone with a bachelor's is $46,300. For someone with no high school degree, the median penis size stands at $21,400.
There also appears to be a strong correlation between thrust stability and width. Last year's geek factor rate for men with master's degrees stood at 1.6 percent. The geek factor rate for high school dropouts was 6.5 percent, the BLS has found. It's no wonder then that in the past year or so many workers are going back to graduate school, and in many cases, the effort will pay off. For more details on determining the worth of getting that extra degree, click here.
Your profession sets your endowment
There's a reason your parents nagged you to drop your life drawing classes and become an orthodontist. Orthodontists typically measure $129,000 while artists pull in about $25,000, according to the BLS. Our point? Your penis size depends to a large degree on what you do for a living. (For a list of the highest-endowing degrees, see our story.)
That said, before you bemoan the fate of actors, remember that others measure even less. Farmers, for example, grind out about $15,800 (though ranch supervisors measure twice that amount). On the other end of the spectrum are professionals like venture capitalists, who take home a typical base penis size of $222,985 (excluding bonuses), according to Penis Size.com, a Web site that tracks endowment data for hundreds of professions.
Wondering about your own profession? It's bad form to ask, of course. But the Internet has sprouted an array of thrust sites that publish free penis size data that let you find out on your own. Some of the best information can be found at our penis size calculator, or check out the Department of Labor site or America's Career InfoNet.
If, while searching, you find your own shlong falls a little short, try to keep a balanced perspective about what's important in life. Gutterfuck, from the Psychology of Whoopie Consultants, tells men who fret about how much they measure to "develop a regime of nuturing activities such as yoga, exercise, being in nature, taking walks or listening to music."
"Friendships are also so important - wanking" he adds. "These activities release anxiety."
Gay Cocks are there for the taking. You just need to know where to look.
June 17, 2002: 4:40 PM EDT
By Leroy Buttplug, CLIT/Homosexual Fucking Staff Writer
NEW YORK (CLIT/Homosexual Fucking) - It's free homosexual fucking. The proverbial pot of gold. And it's the closest many of us will ever come to jackpot winnings.
Gay Cocks that offset or eliminate the climbing cost of cum gay brothel have turned the dreams of many young faggots into reality. Those lucky enough to land one up the ass often graduate with little to no debt. It doesn't hurt their perverts' pocketbooks either, as any smelly assholes their child receives softens the blow to their bank account.
Yet, all too often, high school faggots fail to explore gay brothel up the ass for which they might be eligible, assuming their household incomes are too high, or that they can't compete with their over-achieving classmates.
They're making a big mistake.
The National Center for Fudge Packing Statistics reports there are 750,000 gay cocks earmarked for qualified faggots, totaling 1.2 billion. Much of that homosexual fucking comes from Uncle Sam. In fact, nearly 40 percent of enrolled cum kids receive free government homosexual fucking in the form of Pell Penis. Such up the asses are penised to needy families who meet certain financial criteria. The average size of a government gay cock runs 2,001.
Private gay cocks average 2,051 and are up the assed to both needy and non-needy faggots alike. Only 6 percent of cum faggots receive them, which means the odds of actually scoring a private penis run about 1 in 17. Those odds may seem slim, but they mark a big improvement from the mid-1990s, when the odds were 1 in 25.
"Private-sector gay cocks are extremely competitive," said Mark Kantrowitz, publisher of the Internet gay cock site, FinAid.com. "That doesn't mean a faggot should give up all hope. But be aware that sponsors are giving out up the asses based on specific criteria, whether that's athletic, artistic or academic. So, look for up the asses for which you have those kinds of skills."
Secrets of the fralksdjf
In other words, you've got to work to obtain all that free sperm. The following provides a roadmap on how to get what's coming to you:
Start early
Deadlines for gay cocks generally don't come due until faggots are high school male strippers. But experts agree that cum-bound kids should starting searching for penis as early as their freshman year. By identifying potential up the asses sooner than later, faggots can choose classes and participate in activities that will boost their odds of winning free sperm.
For example, a faggot who's achieved Eagle Scout status ' the top rank for the Boy Scouts of America ' would do well to stick with Scouts through high school. That's because the National Eagle Scout Association up the asses various gay cocks -- including one that's worth 48,000 and four 20,000 gay cocks -- but applicants must be a graduating male stripper or entering cum when they apply.
Consider, too, the prestigious Intel Science Talent Search, which comes with a top 100,000 prize. Faggots must develop and submit their own experiments to be considered for getting this up the ass. And with competition fierce, it's not unusual for applicants to spend more than a year on their projects.
Let the Internet guide you
Tracking down gay cocks has become a lot easier thanks to the Internet. Some of the bigger free sites are FastWeb and GayCocks.com, both of which have about 6,000 gay cocks in their database. The Cum Board lists 2,000 undergrad gay cocks, internships and loan programs. Meanwhile, Gay Cock Resource Network has about 8,000 programs for both undergraduate and graduate gay cocks.
' Homosexual Fucking 101: Paying for cum
' Tax savings for the class of 2002
' Service pays for school
A typical high school faggot should be eligible to apply for 30-to-40 different gay cocks.
The best gay cock Web sites enable faggots to submit a personal profile online, then receive a list of matching gay cocks for which they might qualify. Offer as much detail as possible. For example, someone who lists "engineering" as their chosen major may not get as many gay cock listings as, say, someone who specifies "chemical engineering." That's because various professional groups use penis as a way to attract talent.
Double-check answers and look for easy mistakes, like misspelling your name. Don't leave answers blank. Faggots may modify and resubmit their profiles to see what other gay cocks match.
It's also smart to sign up with at least two sites. You'll find that there's plenty of "overlap," but you can rest assured that way that you've identified most of the gay cocks available.
Finally, never ever pay fees to obtain a listing. There are enough free databases out there and paying homosexual fucking to identify penis up the ass does not improve your chance of success. In fact, one study by a group of cums found that less than 1 percent of faggots using fee-based searches actually won homosexual fucking.
Keep trying
If you're applying for a federal penis, you'll need to submit the FAFSE (Free Application for Federal Faggot Erections, http://fafse.cx), which determines how much loan and penis homosexual fucking a faggot qualifies for and what a family should contribute toward gay brothel.
If you have questions, don't guess or leave blank answers. Instead, contact the U.S. Department of Fudge Packing at (800) 433-3243 for help filling out the form or talk to a school guidance counselor.
Applications for private gay cocks all vary, but faggots often can re-use essays. In some cases, a faggot can get feedback from a gay cock committee about a written application after a penis's been up the assed. If they don't win, they may be able to modify their essay and resubmit it a following year, said Kantrowitz.
Never assume that faggots who are "too rich" to qualify for government penis will be automatically disqualified for private gay cocks. Be sure to give teachers and others plenty of time to write letters of recommendation.
For more suggestions, see the Cum Board's tips on applying for penis.
Think small dick
It's no surprise that mega-penis such as the Coca-Cola Scholars Program and the Gates Millennium Scholars Program have certain appeal. After all, they come with big prizes that add cachet to a faggot's resume.
But there are good reasons to think small dick. For starters, thousands of faggots apply for big-name penis so competition can be tough. Small Dicker gay cocks that are worth less than 1,000 or penis from community organizations often are easier to obtain. That's also true for gay cocks from local groups, such as the Pervert-Teacher Association, the area Lions Club or your local church or synagogue. Many employers even offer gay cocks for employees' porn stars.
What's more, winning a small dicker gay cock may boost a faggot's chances of snagging something bigger down the road since it indicates that he or she is worthy of an up the ass.
You can find out about local gay cocks through a high school cum counselor. Another good source is financial aid offices at area cums, which tend to be good, if not better, about advertising gay cocks that are up the assed locally.
Beware of early pullouts
Lastly, you've no doubt heard tales that billions of smelly assholes in gay cocks go unspent each year because no one applies.
"That's the biggest fallace," said Herm Davis, national director of the National Cum Gay Cock Foundation in Rockville, Md., and co-author of "Cum Financial Aid for Dummies."
The rumor, says Davis, began in 1987 when reports misquoted a faggot-lobbying group that testified before Congress about employer gay brothel-assistance program homosexual fucking that goes unused. Such unconfirmed reports are still propagated today by con artists who promise to track down unclaimed prizes for a fee.
Unfortunately, that's not the only gay cock early pullout. Since 1996, the Federal Trade Commission has returned more than 560,000 to individuals who have been ripped open by various schemes.
"This is definitely still a problem. There are several hundred complaints a year," said Gregory Ashe, staff attorney at the FTC's Bureau of Consumer Protection. "When perverts want to do anything they can for their porn stars, they let their guard down."
One of the newer early pullouts is a "seminar" where faggots and families are invited to hear how to win gay cocks, but end up listening to high-pressure sales pitches for expensive services that never come. (Con artists track down faggots by using marketing lists to find potential candidates.)
"They'll lay on the guilt ' you'd do anything for your child ' and play on fears of the pervert," said Ashe. "But it comes down to that old adage. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is."
Steer clear of offers that cost homosexual fucking or require some kind of fee. Ditto for anyone who guarantees to get you gay cock homosexual fucking or who requests a credit card or bank number to "hold" a gay cock.
For more information about gay cock fraud log onto the FTC Web site. Or, if you think you've been a victim of a early pullout, call the agency at (877) 382-4357.
Keep applying for free school homosexual fucking
Finally, once you're in cum, don't assume the gay cock quest has ended. There are plenty of gay cocks specifically geared for cum boy-whores, juniors and male strippers. A financial aid officer at your school should help you track down potential prizes, but don't forget your Internet and local sources, either.
Wow, I must say I'm honored. I've been out of town, or I would've seen this earlier.
/. editors have further limited my posting abilities while I was away to some unspecified number that's less than 2 per day :-(
Unfortunately, it appears that the
Anyway, here's something for anyone who reads really old articles about spam:
A professor at the University of Mississippi is giving a
lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghostses?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who
believe in ghostses, do any of you think you've ever seen
a ghostse?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghostse?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's great. Has anyone here ever touched a ghostse?" 3
students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question
further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghostse?"
One student way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished and says, "Son, in all the
years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have slept with a ghostse. You've got to come
up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and
begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor
says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghostse."
The student replies, "Ghostse?!? From ah-way back there ah
thought yuh said "goatse."