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Domain: theonion.com
Stories and comments across the archive that link to theonion.com.
Comments · 4,506
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Re:At Least
Hey, don't feel bad, I hate that guy too. Next time I'm going to tell him that I just love things that are on fire. Should be good for a laugh.
You don't understand... I AM that guy.
If people don't want to see my penis... they should tell me ahead of time. -
Re:They may try and control the content, but...
Lots of openings for guys like you in this thread!
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Re:Nobody
Are you this guy?
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28694 -
Re:Viacom Demands YouTube Return Viewers
The Onion have always been slightly prescient, let's be honest
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Viacom Demands YouTube Return Viewers
Once again, life imitates parody. I did not know they were worth a billion dollars.
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My Favorite PartFrom the AT&T brief:
Moreover, as this Court has explained, although a dismissal in contexts like this one may appear "harsh" for the individual plaintiffs, the "greater public good," and "ultimately the less harsh remedy," is the protection of military and intelligence secrets the release of which could harm the public's safety.
My favorite part is that AT&T's lawyers feel that the terms "harsh," "greater public good," and "ultimately the less harsh remedy" all need to be put in quotes, as though they are abstract concepts that need an "ad hoc" definition. I think I'll just turn my cynicism engine on full blast and crawl into a corner somewhere.
It makes me feel like I'm getting a patronizing lecture on law and freedom from Bill Lumbergh from Office Space. Or getting hand-parentheses from the finger quotes lady.
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Re:wow
Report: Our High Schools May Not Adequately Prepare Dropouts For Unemployment
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/25367
U.S. Students Lead World In Detention
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27672 -
Re:wow
Report: Our High Schools May Not Adequately Prepare Dropouts For Unemployment
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/25367
U.S. Students Lead World In Detention
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27672 -
Gates has 20 Charisma
he has since 1997 -- even though he gave it to himself
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I hope they are refering to this:
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I hope they are refering to this:
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Re:How much cash do we have to spend on 9/11
How much cash and resources do we have to spend on 9/11 related expenditures before we realize that it's going overboard?
Do yourself a favor: don't read about the memorial at "ground zero". Actually, this 'article' sums it up quite well. -
Re:Uhm, duh?
As Marty LaFarge put it:
"Listen here. My ancestors weren't no monkey-fuckers." -
Re:No thanks(This seems like a good time to plug one of my favorite The Onion articles of all time.) A libertarian calling the fire department because he has no alternative. Is that supposed to be some sort of irony? It's not. First, he had no option to hire a private fire fighting service, and second, his taxes (unwilling though they might have been) paid for the public fire service already. Why would anyone expect him to pay twice? Or not call on principle? I say he was a little nutty to delay calling, but it's hardly an abandonment of his ideals to finally call.
It might interest you to know that there indeed are areas that use private fire service. My father lives on the outskirts of Tucson, AZ. He pays a small but entirely voluntary fee for fire fighting service provided by a private company. Last year some guy's detached garage caught fire and he called the fire department. They showed up, verified his address did not show up in their list of customers, and calmy kept his (paying) neighbors houses, from catching fire while his garage burned down. He offered to pay them on the spot, but (as you can imagine) it just doesn't work that way. The guy now pays his fire department bill. The system works great, and keeps taxes low. If you don't have anything flammable, you don't have to pay for fire protection. -
Re:No thanksDone. The only mention I found of the police had something to do with roadblocks. I did find this, however:
Federal, state and local governments have created inefficient service monopolies throughout the economy. From the US Postal Service to municipal garbage collection and water works, government is forcing citizens to use monopoly services. These are services that the private sector is already capable of providing in a manner that gives the public better service at a competitive price.
That sounds a lot like what the parent poster was talking about. One could easily see that sort of thinking leading to something a lot more extreme, if we were ever stupid enough to vote you wackos into power. (This seems like a good time to plug one of my favorite The Onion articles of all time.)
And I'm measuring my words carefully when I say "wacko." I don't see how else you could characterize this:Solutions: We oppose all laws at any level of government restricting, regulating or requiring the ownership, manufacture, transfer or sale of firearms or ammunition. We oppose all laws requiring registration of firearms or ammunition. We support repeal of all gun control laws. We demand the immediate abolition of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
Wow. Congratulations on being to the right of the NRA. Not very many people can claim that.
I agree with a great many of the positions espoused in your platform, but in the end you libertarians are just as pie-in-the-sky detached from reality as the lefties you so ardently despise. Who knows, maybe AK in every garage and a chicken in every pot sounds like a great idea to a bunch of white computer programmers living in the suburbs. Meanwhile, back on planet Earth, it doesn't take a whole lot of imagination, plus maybe a very passing acquaintance with human nature, to see what a monstrously reckless idea that is that you are advocating. -
Re:In other news....
This Onion article seems appropriate: Teen Exposed To Violence, Profanity, Adult Situations By Family
Seriously though, other than money and the spot-light, what are these people looking for.
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Re:This is what Drupal looks like
I've been using it for 18 months and never work with code like that. That's simple template code, more suitable for dabblers and graphic designers. Drupal actually has multiple template rendering engines that allow you to make a page look like whatever you want. Here are a few examples:
http://www.yourmtb.com/
http://www.yourclimbing.com/
http://www.theonion.com/
http://www.spreadfirefox.com/ (yes, really) -
Re:On undermining common sense in general
Imagine how horrifying the deterioration looks from my hoary perspective, of almost 52 years
In another discussion, someone mentioned how now there are "no running allowed" school playgrounds, because gods forbid some child might fall down, skin a knee, and (more to the point) generate a lawsuit. Yet we have parents who can't be arsed to turn off the TV if they don't want their kids seeing it.
But the real problem isn't TV or lawsuits or even bad parenting. It's that we've somehow become convinced that we're all so damned STUPID that we'll do any dumb stunt without a second thought.
When I was a kid, with plenty of time to "just be a kid", kids could tell the difference between fantasy and reality. We might sit in the car and PRETEND to drive it, but no halfway-normal kid would ever try to ACTUALLY drive it; that was what our tricycles and toy cars were for. We had real guns in the house, all quite accessable, but we knew they were not toys, and did NOT confuse them with our TOY guns. Etc, etc.
Occurs to me that a big cause of this loss of common-sense is the soccer-mom craze, where every minute of a kid's day is scheduled, and the average kid never has time to just goof off and observe the world, and learn how it really works (ie. time to "just be a kid"). Certainly you need book-learning too, but a lot of figuring out how to put everything together you have to do on your own, and that "on your own" time no longer exists.
And the first generation of soccer-mommy'd kids are now having kids of their own -- and these are parents who never had any experience at "just being a kid" -- so when their kid exercises his imagination, they don't know any way to interpret it other than "dangerous".
Hence this sort of overreaction.
Hmm. Given that, the article someone above linked from The Onion was sadly on-target, and not satire at all.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/child_safety_ experts_call_for -
There is truth in The Onion
Its high time that the sterling advice to be found on The Onion were taken more seriously by parents:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/child_safety_ experts_call_for
Kenneth McMillan is a hero of the American People!!! -
MOD PARENT UP, but
...on a side note, Bush has taken care of that.
;)
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Dolphins have developed thumbs!!!!
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Rover Still Hates Mars Though
They fixed the navigation issue, but I bet the rover still hates Mars.
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NumbersIts great to finally see some numbers. My only problem is they don't reflect actual demand.
Had Nintendo shipped 800,000 units in January, these numbers would be even higher. Meanwhile PS3s are on the shelves of every place I've gone to pick up a wii since November.
I've even stooped so low as to lie to my own children. "We are waiting for the Black one that will play DVDs" While surreptitiously contimuing my search.
My own personal view is a wii belongs in every gaming household, possibly alongside your HD console of choice. Meaning my household is behind the curve as we lack all of this generation. Fear not children, The Wii is coming soon.
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Re:Further adaptionsPerhaps they could use this technology for the tailpipe, too...
Let's not be too hasty here... we all remember that tragic day over a decade ago when NASA's Straw Shuttle project ended in catastrophe. We must introduce these organic technologies very carefully when dealing with such explosive substances.
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Re:Get rid of all spammers
Personally, I'd send out very special forces.
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Re:Tag Article Thusly:
Haha, the title totally sounds like it was stolen from The Onion.
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this is why:
Check out the bio pics - the first author is Jim Anchower. It's been a while since he last rapped at us.
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obligatory onion link
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Shoe on other foot now...
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XP? HD? Obligatory DND reference?
Anyone remember this Onion article a few years back, that divulged why Gates and Microsoft have done so well?
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29743/ -
Re:Cisco iPhone nameI think the Onion said it best: "If they're not careful, [apple will] run into the same trouble with their upcoming computer model, the iBM."
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ObOnionArchivePost
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Most Important Part of the Announcement
Microsoft cautioned everyone not to play the song "Hit Me Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears on or near your computer while the mic is on.
Several lawsuits already involve brutal crimes by computers against annoying young teeny bopper women. Although we can't act like we didn't see this coming, tension has been steadily rising. -
Re:it's a competitionThat cracked me up. If Schick tops him by one blade, Gillete will go one more, then he is really out of the market.
(2004): The Onion: "F*** Everything, We're Doing Five Blades
(2006): Gillete Fusion: Breakthough in Technology (5 blades) -
Re:Not Weird
Reading thru all the responses to your post reminded me of this.
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Re:pathetic, really, people...
You'll appreciate this.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28694
Oh yeah, I own two HD systems. -
Re:Over the top
Whats the value of life?
These numbers are a bit old, but it looks like the value of a life is between 1 and 1.5 USD.
Taken from America's Finest News Source. -
Re:I don't see them replacing crusie missles
That is only applicable when firing into space. The GPP was refering to firing at ground targets from a destroyer, which will need to account for both atomspheric conditions and the Earth's curvature. Firing into the air is easy, any Iraqi or Kentuckian can do it.
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Already been done...
Wasn't this technology perfected ten years ago?
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Re:There are a couple of points
There are hundreds if not thousands of industries in the US that commonly and regularly use Metric system units every day.
Actually, there's one industry that touches every social group in every area of the USA that is totally metric.
WASHINGTON, DC-Despite other academic shortcomings, inner-city youths possess a firmer grasp of the metric system than their peers in suburban and rural areas, according to a Department Of Education study released Monday.
Metric System Thriving
"While the typical teen has only a vague notion of what a kilogram is, teens in the Cabrini Green housing projects in Chicago and the Watts neighborhood of Los Angeles were thoroughly familiar with this unit of metric measurement," said Ira Danielson, the researcher who spearheaded the study. "They were able to identify a kilogram of weight by merely tossing it back and forth in their hands."
According to Danielson, young people in America's urban centers are so familiar with the kilogram that they have developed a system of abbreviations for the measurement, such as "kilo" or even "ki" (pronounced key).
"Most of the teens, even those reading at a fourth-grade level, were familiar with the gram as a base unit that can be either compounded or divided," Danielson said. "Finally, here's an area where at-risk urban youths can really shine."
In addition to their expertise with grams, urban youths proved knowledgeable about other metric units, including the millimeter, cubic centimeter, and liter.
"They were surprisingly familiar with metric measurements in the medical field, aware that liters of blood are used in an emergency room and that certain medications are injected in cc's or mls," Danielson said. "They also knew a great deal about ounces, but we preferred to focus on their metric expertise."
Danielson said the discovery of the metric knowledge came as "a wonderful surprise."
"A few months ago, we were conducting a study to ascertain the basic skill level of high-school freshmen with poor attendance records-truant 14- to 15-year-olds who hadn't set foot in a classroom in months," Danielson said. "In the course of this study, an amazing pattern of metric expertise emerged among these kids. Upon discovering this pocket of knowledge, we knew we had to explore it further."
In a follow-up study titled "Metric Skills Among The Economically Disadvantaged," Danielson and his team of researchers discovered that not only did the youths score higher in metric knowledge than any other demographic, but many could also distinguish among the smallest variations in size and amount.
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The Onion was way ahead on this one
an infographic listing the challenges NASA faces with the rovers, and one of them is "Must maneuver around burnt-out hunks of failed probes littering Martian surface"
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Perhaps it got bored
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Does this thread remind anyone else of
this this bit?
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930
FUCK IT, WE'RE DOING TEN LAYERS!! -
The Cowboy's Comment
I think Cowboy Neal was paying homage to my favorite Onion article ever, with the dept title "screw-everything-we're-going-eleven-layers dept". Read it, the article is great.
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Re:It's not bad, really.
Well, I don't particularly enjoy a woman's hairy legs, either. Besides, I don't want to go down on a gorilla salad.
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Don't Worry
NASA's got a list of ways to colonize the moon. Once those are achieved, this MGS business will just blow over
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Re:Comedian pointed this out in the 1970's
I love it when comedians get these things right ahead of time.
P.S. Another example at the Onion. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930 saw the new Fusion with six blades coming way back in Feb 2004!
And Saturday Night Live "commercial" back in '76 or so: "The new Triple Trak: Because you'll believe anything!" -
Comedian pointed this out in the 1970's
In the 1970's, comedian Don Novello (of Father Guido Sarducci fame) wrote a book called the "Lazlo Lettets" where he would write tongue in cheek letters to a wide variety of people and places like the President, Hotels, and of course NASA. His alter ego Lazlo Toth observered that if NASA were to scoop up martian soil and burn it to find life, that NASA would have more appropriately found life, but killed it so they wouldn't be able to actually prove that life still existed. I don't recall the content what NASA's response letter.
I love it when comedians get these things right ahead of time.
P.S. Another example at the Onion. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930 saw the new Fusion with six blades coming way back in Feb 2004! -
Re:Separation of powers
Onion article: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51140 "Bush Grants Self Permission To Grant More Power To Self"
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Attitude Correction
Its possible that these upgrades are necessary to correct a problem reported recently:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54360