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The Funniest Joke in the World
Tackhead writes: "In another example of life imitating Monty Python, this article on nature.com says that the British Association for the Advancement of Science has created Laugh Lab, a project designed to find the funniest joke in the world. Weaponization possibilities are not discussed. Yet."
Without a doubt, the joke is British and Americans won't get it.
And one of them was assaulted.
Peanut.
Yes. And if you read the site, that's what it's all about. They want to see which jokes affect the most people. In addition, they will divide people by age, gender, etc. to see which types of jokes the groups tend to like. The "funniest joke in the nation [not world, as Slashdot would have you believe]" stuff is just sort of a gimmick they're tacking on to get people's attention.
Donate background CPU time to fight cancer.
...I always remember the joke Freud used as an example in one of his works.
Why is a wife like an umbrella?
Because some days you want to take a cab.
Hmmmm.
~~~~~ BigLig2? You mean there's another one of me?
Their "German" was fake and it made no sense at all, but if you speak both German and English it's twice as funny anyway :)
In one of their skits ("couple in a Bavarian restaurant") they speak genuine German, and I was very surprised because John Cleese had nearly perfect pronounciation of every single word, it's only the melody that's a little odd. I always thought the Brits couldn't do that..
All this so a bunch of scientists get some new material for when they go to a party?
The search for a sense of humour continues...
Please don't hate me for this. I still can't get over how BAD this joke is. =)
[Begin]
There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.
Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.
"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.
Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.
Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"
So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.
"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."
"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"
"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."
The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.
"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"
"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"
So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.
"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"
"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"
Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.
Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."
Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."
It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."
Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."
The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."
Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."
Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."
It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."
The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."
It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.
What's the moral of the story? Don't stand up in a boat.
... when will there be the Ministry of Silly Walks ? - Oh wait, the Patent Office certainly will register my walking style ... ;-)
An elderly couple were walking about the streets of their home, Moscow. They each feel drops of moisture on their faces. The man says that it is snowing, but his wife is convinced that it's raining. Finally, they see General Rudolph walking by, and the woman calls him over to settle the dispute. The general says it's definitely rain. The man doesn't believe him. Sighing, his wife tells him, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
A farmer had a problem. His rooster was growing old and didn't do his responsibilities as well as in his young days. So the farmer went and bought a new rooster to fill in.
The new rooster went all cocky to the old one and said: "Ok old timer. I'm the man in this house, so you'd better get your feathers out of here."
The old one didn't feel like giving up that easily so he challenged the new rooster for a race: "Let's run 20 laps around the henhouse. The faster wins and the loser leaves."
As the new rooster was confident of his speed, the two went outside and a hen gave them the start signal.
The old rooster sprinted and got ahead with the new rooster tightly after him.
The old rooster was leading after 1st lap.
The old rooster was still ahead after the 2nd lap.
On the 3rd lap there was a loud BANG and the new rooster flew against the henhouse wall in a big clowd of feathers. The farmer lowered his shotgun and muttered: "That'll be the last gay rooster in this house."
Remember the Far Side panel featuring a lab designed to test crankiness in people? Very funny.
Donate background CPU time to fight cancer.
Jay Leno (a comedian in the U.S.) makes $40,000 for perhaps 90 minutes of comedy. And Jay Leno is not very funny.
Obviously, if those studying the "science" of comedy knew anything about it, they would be out doing it, and not hanging around in a musty university drawing professor pay.
Bush's education improvements were
They did some episodes in German, for the Germans, don't know how it translated, but here's some info.
Here
*ahem*
Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die
Flipperwaldt gersput!
dave "and now for comething completely different"
A man goes into his doctors with a sore throat.
Man: "Doctor, I've got a really sore throat".
Doctor: "OK, say 'Ahhh'"
Man: "Why?"
Doctor: "My dog died last night."
-----------------------
Moderator's essentials
If the result is to find the joke that makes most pepole laugh, it wont be very funny. It will be unoffening, politically correct, culturally tansparent and aimed at all ages and both sexes.
In other words, a mildly amusing, but pretty lame joke.
Something like Cosby.
...um...like...a sig...
Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.
My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdowns for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one at a later time.
Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).
As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)
Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate (among other things) my wobbly 1952 Gibson refrigerator.
To assure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, you will need to contact each of my children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any decisions that you make.
Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house and get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be chosing the color of the carpeting. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.
Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.
While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the potential homebuyers in my area that they like the features this house has.
I advise you to run up and look at the house my neighbor build last year, as we like it a great deal. It has many things that we feel we also need in our new home, particularily the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the construction cost.
Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.
You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your ideas and completed plans.
PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.
PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon a possible if this is the case.
There was a man, and he had to go on a long journey.
So he said to his wife, "Pack me some lunch".
So she packed him some lunch, and he went off to the railway station.
He ate his lunch, and then he fell asleep, and missed his train.
He was daft.
"Information wants to be paid"
If we find the funniest joke in the world... will we lose all sense of humor?
-- Is "Sig" copyrighted by www.sig.com?
Q) How many Software Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A) None, it's a harware problem!
My last project was to help design the database of all the jokes.
It was quite a project and actually quite enlightening. It's amazing to hear all the jokes you once heard that made fun of people from Arkansas, being retold about people from Newfoundland or wherever.
Once we got the data consolidated, we were able categorize them and set a primary key for each joke. This was particularly effective because the jokes could be then referred to (and even enjoyed) merely by referring to the primary key. (And any variant information.)
For example, "6653 - Newfie" would take the base text,
6653 - "Why did the $Disparaged_ethnic_groupmember put tinfoil on his nose?"
and insert the variant information.
After work, we'd head to the pub and hoist a few pints, retelling our favorites, only needing to use the number.
"37684!" someone would shout and the rest of the group would laugh.
"238!" and people would be rolling on the floor...
One night, Dr. Wiseman stands up and says "6245!"
Dead silence. Thinking, he again tries. "6245?"
Again, dead silence.
Dejected, he sat down and stared into his Guinness and mutters: "I never *could* tell a joke..."
;-)
(Sorry, I couldn't resist. )
Jim
-- My Weblog.
have we learned nothing from USENET history?
ddm, feeling older than he should and surprised that no one's referenced it yet
P.S. Don't go modding me down if you don't get the reference.
www.HearMySoulSpeak.com
A team at Berkeley is researching jokes using collaborative filtering (or is it the other way around?). The project is called Jester and works like this:
- You are exposed to fifteen different jokes, which you have to rate according to how funny you find them
- Then your humour profile is compared to all the other profiles, they have
- Based on the matches, they will show the jokes, which best suit your sense of humour.
This seems like a much more likely way of finding the funniest joke in the world, because here you can find the funniest joke in the world according to your taste.
Give it a shot. You dont have to fill in a working email address to get it to work.
-Kraft
Live and let live
This is the funniest joke. It's effect is most obvious when spoken out loud to a small group of people whose attention you've monopolized for many, many minutes:
There were 3 race horses, Ernie, Bill, and Ted. The three of them enjoyed racing eachother and generally won and lost to eachother equally.
Every evening, after the races, they went to a local bar to relax and drink some beer. They would often discuss racing techniques, their families, etc.
One season, Bill wasn't doing so well. He rarely beat the other two, and was worried that he'd be sent to the glue factory if his luck didn't change. One night, at the bar, he talked with Ernie and Ted about it.
"You know guys, I just can't figure it out." He said. "Everything's fine at home, the kids are doing great, my wife is being nice, the bills are paid, my mother-in-law rarely visits, nothing could be better. Maybe I'm just getting old. If things don't pick up soon, they'll send me to the glue factory."
The bartender, a big llama named Floyd, overheard the conversation. He looked around, to make sure no body else was listening, then said, "Hey bud, I got something for you that'll make you feel like a young colt again." He reached under the bar and pulled out an un-labeled bottle of beer. "Here, drink this. I guarantee, you'll start winning again. Come by each night for a week and I'll give you one. If it doesn't work, I'll give you double your money back!"
Bill looked at Ernie and Ted, who only shrugged, then drank contents of the bottle.
"Oh, just one thing" The llama said, "It'll make your ass itch, but, that's okay, it's just a side-effect. Don't worry about it."
The three horses stayed a few hours, played a few games of pool and darts, and went home.
Over the course of the next three days, they went back to the bar each night, and Bill continued the regimen of mystery beer. His racing times did improve! He was slowly moving back up in the rankings, and was soon back into the top three with Ernie and Ted. Bill was ecstatic, and thanked the Llama profusely.
"Hey, my pleasure" Said the llama.
A few weeks passed by, and Ernie started slowing down. After losing 3 races in a row one day, he sobbed to himself, "I just don't get it. My life couldn't be better. I can't believe I'm getting old! They'll send me to the glue factory if I don't get back in the groove!"
That evening, at the bar, he told the llama bartender about his troubles, and asked if he too could try the mystery beer.
"Okay, but remember, it'll make your ass itch, but don't pay it no mind. It's just a harmless side effect."
"No Problem. It'll be worth it to get back in the groove." Ernie said.
A few days went by. Ernie's ass did indeed itch, and after a few more days, his races improved, and he was back in the top 3 with Bill and Ted.
At the bar one evening, Ernie bought a round of beers for all the horses, and thanked the llama profusely.
"I just can't believe how great that mystery beer worked!" Ernie said. "You're sitting on a gold mine there!"
The llama said it was his pleasure, don't worry about it, etc.
A few more weeks pass, and Ted starts slowing down, losing races. He too realizes that he'll be shipped off to the glue factory unless his races improve.
"Say," He said to the llama one night after a particularly humiliating loss, "I think I need to try that mystery beer too. They'll ship me off to the glue factory if I don't start winning again."
"No problem." The llama said, pulling out an unlabeled bottle. "Here. Come back every night, and I guarantee, you'll be back in top form again, or I'll give you double your money back."
Over the course of the next few weeks, Ted's races continued to improve until he was back in the top 3 with Bill and Ernie. He pranced into the bar, full of vim and vigor, and thanked the llama profusely. "You know, my ass itches a lot, it's almost unbearable. But I can't thank you enough. They would have killed me by now if it weren't for you. Anything you want, let me know and I'll see what I can do."
"No problem," said the llama, "I make this beer at home using an ancient Inca recipe. It's just my way of thanking my regular customers for their patronage over the years."
"I swear," Ted said, "this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Anything, you name it, anything you want, let me know, and it's yours."
"Well, now that you mention it..." the llama began saying.
Right then, a greyhound walked up to the bar. He was obviously depressed.
"Barkeep, give me something strong. I'm on a losing streak you wouldn't believe." The greyhound said.
Ted looked at the greyhound, then to Bill and Ernie, and said "Hey look! A talking dog!"
"Would it kill you to put down the toilet seat?" -- Maya Angelou
Because she's a woman!
--
"Outlook not so good." That magic 8-ball knows everything! I'll ask about Exchange Server next.
This was also the subject of a very long and (mostly) serious novel called "Infinite Jest" about a movie that was so entertaining that anyone who watched it would just continue to watch it over and over again until they died of starvation.
Howevere, we are never told that the movie is specifically funny, as much as it is entertaining.
Hopefully I didn't put any [] around my words.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Inter-
MOO!
Any sufficiently well-organized community is indistinguishable from Government.
Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree?
Stapled to the 1st monkey.
Why did the 3rd monkey etc.
Peer pressure
---------
What's the difference between a duck?
It has one foot the same
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I've got this great joke! Ask me if my name is Sam. Go on, ask me!
Is your name Sam?
No. (Delivered deadpan. Alternatively use facial expression to imply asker is a mental defective)
Can't remember where I heard this one, but there ya go:
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then threw him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill." In disgust the bartender says, "what, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."
It doesn't mean much now, it's built for the future.
But will the joke be funny when translated into other languages? Will it be funny only to english speaking peoples?
I've hit Karma 50 and gotten a Score:5, Troll... I win!
Hey,
doesn't it vary from person to person
Da. Could be sayink "Different Jokes for Different Folks".
Well, I thought it was funny.
Michael
"Goodness me, how unlike the FBI to abuse the trust of the American public." -- The Onion
That was the whole article -- full of weaponisation possibilities... action shots of the joke in close combat with the enemy, lighting fast and unbelievably lethal action from quick-lipped soldiers. That peanut joke tho... that almost got me.
The Python sketch is reasonably close to the original story, as I recall, except for trivial details. E.g. I remember that part of it had to do with a German marching song, which was harmless in English but drove soldiers mad in German, which went in part "Left! Right! Left his wife and seventeen children with nothing but gingerbread left! Right! Left....etc". Thus the story title.
Kuttner is always worth reading, and often very funny. I think some of his stuff is still in print. (Hmm, was Kuttner a pseudonym? I can't recall.)
Professional Wild-Eyed Visionary
Professional Wild-Eyed Visionary
(These work best when told between two people (i.e., aloud))
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
*ducks rotting vegetables*
(I think we need a -1, Not Funny moderation...)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Slashdot.
Inter-
FP!
Any sufficiently well-organized community is indistinguishable from Government.
Click the link.
Seastead this.
Don't read this stupid joke.
The journey is better then the end.
She tried to answer the iron.
--
"Outlook not so good." That magic 8-ball knows everything! I'll ask about Exchange Server next.
It seems to me that Asimov wrote something along these lines. After researching and discovering the purpose of humor, there no longer was any. It was just an experiment.
Her dog was blind, too.
--
"Outlook not so good." That magic 8-ball knows everything! I'll ask about Exchange Server next.