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Satire Wire's New Spam Poets Crowned
Yorrike writes: "With over 600 entries, the winners of Satire Wire's Second Annual Poetry Competition have been announced. I guess my adaptation of Rime of the Ancient Mariner didn't make the cut ;)" Nothing like some howling laughter to cut through one's baleful bellows of pure spam-related rage.
POST!
am i fucking unbanned yet? i'll show this fucking place what "bad posting" means...
How I love the first post fights...cracks me up every single time.
maybe not
Stupid spam wasn't bad enough, now I realize my mailbox is full of poetry.
ew.
grossness.
Damn the spam Spam the damned. I will not eat spam. Even with green eggs and hamn.
Job? I don't have time to get a job! Who will sit around and bitch about being broke and unemployed then?
Aren't humor articles supposed to be funny? This should be under the "boring" section.
It looks like a little recognition and being crowned was it, but I figure maybe someone read something I didn't.
-- Dan
Who is it that decides on the winners of this contest? Personaly I dont think either the winner or runner up were really worthy of winning by comparison to some other entries. The winner looks like they simply took one SPAM e-mail and ocasionaly replaced a noun with the word "penis". The runner up just repeated the same phrase over and over again with one irregularity near the middle. I think neither of these took much creativity and that the win could have gone to a more worthy poem.
Since it's coming up to the start of a new academic year I thought I'd take this opportunity to explain how lucky you Americans are to have a fraternity system.
;-). And while cliques certainly form in English Universities, the are all much too boring to come up with the idea of hazing. I fondly recall diving off a weir and almost drowning when I was 12 because everyone said I was chicken. If only it had been possible for me to gain respect in later life through similar tests, and if these tests could have been combined with pseudo Masonic rituals culminating in the awarding of a little badge, then that truly would have made my time at University worthwhile. And while I still have friends from University, these friendships seem so hollow compared to bonds of fraternal brotherhood since they are not based on solemn vows of fellowship, mutual sacrifice, group solidarity and owning the same poxy little badge.
English Universities are so dull by comparison. Like most students in England I had to rent private accommodation for my second and third years, but it never occurred to us to build a whole culture around collectively renting a rather dilapidated house in Clapham. It wasn't even single sex accommodation, so we couldn't engage in the fun and games of para-homosexual activities - Girls just don't have the same grip on your loyalties as your Greek brothers
Then there's sheer joy alcohol seems to bring fraternity members.. By the time I went to university the delights of getting dangerously
drunk at parties had started to seem mundane. But to American students in fraternities, the bravado of excessive alcohol consumption is a an exciting new and illicit game where you can prove yourself worthy to all your male friends and simultaneously circumvent college alcohol policy - thereby proving what a rebel you are too. Gosh. I am also rather fond of the references to ancient Greece. It reeks of a history far nobler and grander than anything a British University can instil its students with, and the wearing of togas must make it seem as authentic as a ploughman's lunch. I think what I am trying to say is that Fraternities give young Americans the chance to grow up in their own time, and that it is regrettable that no similar opportunity is afforded to European Students. In particular, I find it sad that even some American students forego the opportunity to wear togas and claim to be Greek. Really this should be mandatory, so every graduate will be secure in the knowledge that they have gained something much more valuable than a degree from an American University - a little badge with some Greek letters on it.
Although I am not American, I admire the system so much that I would dearly love to become an honorary member of a fraternity. I have set my heart on becoming an alumni of Theta Omicron Sigma Sigma Epsilon Ro Sigma. I do so hope this is possible.
Coleridge or Maiden?
Up the irons!
--- Do you believe in the day?
holy shit dude have you seen the new imac and shit? shit's all fucked up looking, fuckin got a flat panel coming out of this fuckin white thing that looks like a cream puff or a dollop of shit or some shit, with a fuckin DVDR and shit, holy fuck
Wait, I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that internal affairs were setting them up?
..."Oh Christ. That's it. Tongue fuck my cunt like that. Jesus, Mya. Keep it up and I'm gonna cum all over your fucking face," Pink yelled aloud as R&B singer Mya was wetly lapping at the pink flesh between Pink's spread cuntlips. Mya's soft, pink tongue slid between Pink's folds from bottom to top and back, lapping up all juice that was appearing there. The tip of her tongue flicked quickly at Pink's swollen clit, making her scream, then Mya's tongue lowered again, slipping between her pussy lips, until finally it was licking at Pink's brown wrinkled asshole.
Pink felt the gorgeous black girl's tongue wetting her twitching pucker and loosened up her sphincter, causing her asshole to "open up" like a flower. Mya obviously took this as a sign and drilled her tongue deep into Pink's butt. As she stared over Pink's pussy and tits into her eyes, she slowly tongue fucked her ass, enjoying the musky, steamy taste and smell. Pink on the other hand felt her backdoor being invaded by the softest, wettest tongue and this was enough for her body to start spasming hard. She wasn't cumming, but she didn't know if she could hold out much longer. She pulled her knees up further until they squashed her tits. She spread her legs as wide as humanly possible, and tried to relax her sphincter even more.
As her female syrup was oozing from her cunt downwards to Mya's grinding tongue, Mya was almost able to get her whole tongue into Pink's shitter, and fucked it in and out, accompanied by lewd squishy sounds when entering, and a nasty plopping sound when retreating. The mix of her saliva and Pink pussy juices were great (tasting) lubrication for the hot and horny lesbian rimming.
A good ass rimming is Mya's greatest sexual talent, as her male and female lovers have claimed in the past. Pink was just the latest in a long line of "victims" to experience this. Bobbing her head, Mya kept tongue fucking Pink's ass until the white singer couldn't hold back anymore. Loudly screaming, and with hips shaking she felt all muscles in her pussy and ass clenching tightly, thus forcing Mya's tongue out. She started squirting torrents of warm juices straight into the black singer's face, whom held out her tongue to catch the delicious fluids as good as possible.
"AAAAAAHHHH...I'M CUMMINGGGGGGGG!! SUCK MY CUNT...SUCK MY ASSSSS...DRINK MY CUMMM...MYA, YOU FUCKING CUNT, YOU FUCKING SLUT, YOU MAKE ME CUM SO FUCKING GOOD..."
Finally, after Pink's loud and vulgar words died down, as did the convulsions in her lower body, and Mya had swallowed all of the liquids that spurted from Pink's flowery hole and were caught on her tongue, Mya crawled slowly on top of Pink, licking over her belly and tits along the way, and met her new good friend breath to breath, mouth to mouth, tongue to tongue. Looking each other deep in the eyes, searching each other's souls, they swapped saliva lusciously and deliciously, drinking each other in yet another way. Pink could taste not only Mya's spit, but also her own secretions on her tongue, and was proud once again about how her own cunt tastes.
"It's your turn, you delicious cunt," Pink whispered as she smiled at Mya. "Get on your back and open up for mommy. Your ass belongs to me"...
Meanwhile, a couple of metres away from them, there was another tongue sliding in and out of a sopping wet, fragrant cunt, as Christina Aguilera had her mouth, and most of her face plastered between Lil' Kim's thick cunt lips. Her face was shining in the light, courtesy of Kim's juices, and as Christina had her tongue deep in Kim's fuckhole, her lips were closed over the opening and were loudly sucking, slurping even at it. As she felt the black rapper squeeze her pussy around her tongue, she sucked spoons full of juices from her cunt. The warm fluids were dripping from her black hairy box down into the sweaty crack of her ass.
Kim had a glazed look in her eyes, leaning back on one elbow, one hand on the back of Christina's head, pulling her face deeper into her muff as she wildly humped and ground her crotch in the blonde's face. The tongue in her cunt was driving her nuts, even though she had about a million cuntlickings in her life by now, or so it seemed. Christina was obviously a very talented slitsucker, or had a damn lot more experience than she had ever admitted. And that was just the mouth on her snatch. The two fingers in her asshole were another factor. Christina was finger fucking Lil' Kim's black swollen asshole like a pro. She pulled them back 'till only the fingertips were in, only to slide them back in to the knuckles.
"Yeah, that's it, Christina. You really are a talented slut. I could get used to having a white cunt and butt slut like you. Maybe I could have you come over once a week to eat out my pussy and ass. Would you like that, you bitch? Would you like to come over often just to eat Lil' Kim's nasty holes out? Raise your head. Christina, get your face over here for a minute. Like that, yeah. Open your mouth. Stick out your tongue."
Lil' Kim then drooled right onto Christina's tongue as she continued. "Now you can use that on my cunt as well. Get back in your position."
Kim liked to be in charge of her lovers, and Christina liked being a little bit submissive, so this pairing was heaven to the both of them.
Christina kept lapping at every inch of Kim's dripping snatch for minutes, until finally she stopped pleasing the black candy because Kim had cum about 3 times and was almost exhausted. She pulled her fingers from Kim's butt and stuck them in her mouth to suck off the anal grease and decided she liked the taste.
Kim noticed it and raised her legs as Pink did earlier. She gabbed Christina by the back of the head and issued a new order.
"Since, being the nasty white bitch you are, you obviously like the taste of my shit hole, you might as well stick your wet tongue in there and FUCK my asshole with it."
Kim then pulled Christina's face straight against the exposed dark crack of her ass and started humping it against the blonde's face. Christina's smelled the odor of Kim's nether hole and it was enough to whip her up even more. She waited not a second and dragged her saliva coated tongue all the way up between Kim's butt cheeks, from bottom to top. Then she forcefully lapped at Kim's black pucker, poking the tip of her tongue in the dark, wrinkled flesh on the outside. As the tip got in the middle, she felt Kim's sphincter suck at it, enveloping it in the swollen rim as it squeezed. The taste was heaven to Christina, as was the smell. There was something about the smell of ass that somehow just turned her on beyond belief.
And then she slowly but forcefully pressed her tongue inside, feeling it push deeper and deeper in Kim's hot anal cavity. Half of her tongue was inside as she closed her red lips over the pucker on the outside and started to suck on Lil' Kim's asshole. Kim draped her legs over Christina's shoulder and locked her legs behind her back, pulling her face against her crack even tighter.
As Christina was simultaneously tongue fucking and sucking on Lil' Kim butt, she drove the black rapper to two more orgasms, which drenched Christina's face completely in wetness. Lil' Kim would lick Christina's face completely clean and as with Mya and Pink, also swap saliva and taste her own ass on Christina's tongue.
Yeah, she REALLY could get used to having this magnificent white slut eat her out on a regular bases. Of all the men and women that had their tongues on her cunt and ass in the past, Christina was definitely one of the top 5. And Kim had some great male and female lovers in her life, starting from age 14, so that's saying something.
On your knees cunt
Ill kick you in the face
Do what I fucking say
Or Im gonna slash your face
You're a worthless two-faced cunt
With your nose in the air
Ill break your fucking nose
And shit all over you
Sit on my face bitch, till I get off
And be my fucking whore
When Im done I'll piss in your mouth
Said be my fucking whore
Sit on face cunt till I get off
When Im done I light a cigarette
And piss in your mouth
And then I'll kick you the fuck out
You little piece of worthless shit
You're nothing to me
Just get down and suck it
Suck it
Suck it
Be my fucking whore
Get down and
Be my fucking whore
Be my fucking whore
Be my fucking whore
Be my fucking whore
--not The Lyrics Guy
I honestly would of loved to have entered this contsest, but I haven't received much spam since I dropped AOL 3 years ago. It surprises a little since I do alot of shopping online and I am active in several discussion groups. I'm just lucky I guess.
except entries must be cutups of Anonymous Coward postings instead.
In the laid back California town of sunny San Rafael
Lived a girl named Pearly Sweetcake, you prob'ly knew her well.
She'd been stoned fifteen of her eighteen years and the story was widely told
That she could smoke 'em faster than anyone could roll.
Her legend finally reached New York, that Grove Street walk-up flat
Where dwelt The Calistoga Kid, a beatnik from the past
With long browned lightnin' fingers he takes a cultured toke
And says, "Hell, I can roll `em faster, Jim, than any chick can smoke!"
So a note gets sent to San Rafael, "For the Championship of the World
The Kid demands a smoke off!" "Well, bring him on!" says Pearl,
"I'll grind his fingers off his hands, he'll roll until he drops!"
Says Calistog, "I'll smoke that twist till she blows up and pops!"
So they rent out Yankee Stadium and the word is quickly spread
"Come one, come all, who walk or crawl, price - just two lids a head
And from every town and hamlet, over land and sea they speed
The world's greatest dopers, with the Worlds greatest weed
Hashishers from Morocco, hemp smokers from Peru
And the Shamnicks from Bagun who puff the deadly Pugaroo
And those who call it Light of Life and those that call it boo.
See the dealers and their ladies wearing turquoise, lace, and leather
See the narcos and the closet smokers puffin' all together
From the teenies who smoke legal to the ones who've done some time
To the old man who smoked "reefer" back before it was a crime
And the grand old house that Ruth built is filled with the smoke and cries
Of fifty thousand screaming heads all stoned out of their minds.
And they play the national anthem and the crowd lets out a roar
As the spotlight hits The Kid and Pearl, ready for their smokin' war
At a table piled up high with grass, as high as a mountain peak
Just tops and buds of the rarest flowers, not one stem, branch or seed.
Maui Wowie, Panama Red and Acapulco Gold.
Kif from East Afghanistan and rare Alaskan Cold.
Sticks from Thailand, Ganja from the Islands, and Bangkok's Bloomin' Best.
And some of that wet imported shit that capsized off Key West.
Oaxacan tops and Kenya Bhang and Riviera Fleurs.
And that rare Manhatten Silver that grows down in the New York sewers.
And there's bubblin' ice cold lemonade and sweet grapes by the bunches.
And there's Hershey's bars, and Oreos, `case anybody gets the munchies.
And the Calistoga Kid, he sneers, and Pearley, she just grins.
And the drums roll low and the crowd yells "GO!" and the world's first Smoke Off begins.
Kid flicks his magic fingers once and ZAP! that first joint's rolled.
Pearl takes one drag with her mighty lungs and WOOSH! that roach is cold.
Then The Kid he rolls his Super Bomb that'd paralyze a moose.
And Pearley takes one super hit and SLURP! that bomb' defused.
Then he rolls three in just ten seconds and she smokes 'em up in nine,
And everybody sits back and says, "This just might take some time."
See the blur of flyin' fingers, see the red coal burnin' bright
As the night turns into mornin' and the mornin' fades to night
And the autumn turns to summer and a whole damn year is gone
But the two still sit on that roach-filled stage, smokin' and rollin' on
With tremblin' hands he rolls his jays with fingers blue and stiff
She coughs and stares with bloodshot gaze, and puffs through blistered lips.
And as she reaches out her hand for another stick of gold
The Kid he gasps, "Goddamn it, bitch, there's nothin' left to roll!"
"Nothin' left to roll?", screams Pearl, "Is this some twisted joke?"
"I didn't come here to fuck around, man, I come here to SMOKE!"
And she reaches 'cross the table And grabs his bony sleeves
And she crumbles his body between her hands like dried and brittle leaves
Flickin' out his teeth and bones like useless stems and seeds
And then she rolls him in a Zig Zag and lights him like a roach.
And the fastest man with the fastest hands goes up in a puff of smoke.
In the laid-back California town of sunny San Rafael
Lives a girl named Pearly Sweetcake, you prob'ly know her well.
She's been stoned twenty-one of her twenty-four years, and the story's widely told.
How she still can smoke them faster than anyone can roll
While off in New York City on a street that has no name.
There's the hands of the Calistoga Kid in the Viper Hall of Fame
And underneath his fingers there's a little golden scroll
That says, Beware of Bein' the Roller When There's Nothin' Left to Roll.
Poetry for losers, Sorrow that doesn't exist.
so the journal features in Slashcode 2.2 seem pretty stable, and now there's all this friends-and-foes crap that's been enabled. when's this place going to become as unusably homosexual as GayJournal?
surely Slashdot (l)users would love nothing more than to be able to spend all fucking day reading about the blisteringly faggy details of other dorks' lives AND get all the poorly-worded pro-GNU drivel they crave, all on the same site. and with the miracle of moderation, users could improve each others' self-esteem by applying "+1, You Go Girl!" and "+1, You're a Beautiful Person!" where needed. Slashdot could become an all-encompassing support group and media company, in much the same way the Oxygen network is for overweight, shrill, unloved housewife bitches.
CmdrTaco isn't pushing this hard enough. this could get him more money than fluffing ever would.
1. Decapitate enemy. If no enemy is present, one may substitute a sloth, as they were once human. It helps to cut as close as possible to the base of the neck.
2. Carrying the new trophy, flee to a river.
3. Make a long, vertical incision from the base of the neck to the crown of the head.
4. Carefully and slowly peel off the skin of the head, using a sharp knife to separate the skin of face from the facial bones. Cast the skull and brains into a river as a sacrifice to the Anaconda Spirit.
5. Turn skin inside-out and carefully scrape off all fatty tissue.
6. Tie a rope through the top of the head-skin. Immerse the skin into a pot of boiling water for up to two hours. Take care not to over-boil, as this will cause the victim's hair to fall out. Allow to cool.
7. Thread a flexible vine around the base of the neck to give it shape. Sew shut the incision and eyelids. Fix lips together with three bamboo pegs.
8. Heat several pebbles in a fire. Insert the hot stones into the neck-hole. Whirl head around by its hair to keep the stones from burning the flesh. This will cause the flesh to shrink.
9. Repeat above step with progressively smaller stones, using heated sand when stones will no longer fit through the neck-hole. Take care to re-mold the face into its original shape each time, so the enemy's features do not become distorted. This process will take approximately 20 hours, and is usually performed in one's home village.
10. Singe off the fine facial hairs.
11. Blacken the victim's face with charcoal, so the deceased's spirit cannot haunt and torment the living.
12. Hang shrunken head in the smoke of a fire to dry and cure.
13. After cooling, rub your trophy to make it shine.
to: klfrancis@crapco.com
Don't you just hate all that "spam" in your mailbox? Well now there's this great contest where you can write poems satirizing junk e-mail!
from: klfrancis@crapco.com
to: mpsherwwod@crapco.com
Ha! I have one: "Roses are red/Violets are blue/I hate spam/And so do you!
from: mpsherwood@crapco.com
to: klfrancis@crapco.com
LOL! Good one! here's mine: Doubt that the stars are fire/Doubt that the Earth doth move/Doubt truth to be a liar/But never doubt that you can Make Money Now!!!
from: klfrancis@crapco.com
to: mpsherwood@crapco.com
ROTFL! That was great! Here's one I just thought up: How do I hate spam? Let me count the ways/I hate spam to the death and breadth and sight/my eyes can see by monitor's white light/For the ends of 'boxes free from junk/"enlarge your cock" and other bunk
from: mpsherwood@crapco.com
to: klfrancis@crapco.com
LMAO! Oh, that was priceless! I just came up with another one: Rather than words/comes the sight of junk e-mail/The porn-comprehending URLs/And beyond them, the internet/That holds nothing/And is nowhere/And is endless.
from: klfrancis@crapco.com
to: mpsherwood@crapco.com
ROTFLMAO!!! That was the best one! Oh man, my sides ache. So, do you have the assault rifles ready for Thursday?
from: mpsherwood@crapco.com
to: klfrancis@crapco.com
You bet. Downsize us!?! I don't think so, fuckers.
The 23rd Spam
The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures,
He leadeth me beside the still waters,
He restoreth my credit and consolidateth my debts,
For as little as $1,750,
If I act now.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me,
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
And can now be 50 Percent Larger in Three Weeks.
Guaranteed.
Thou preparest a table before me
In the presence of mine enemies,
Thou annointest my head with oil,
My cup runneth over.
But as an added bonus,
I will receive $1,000.00 cash,
If I complete thy online registration form today.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me,
All the days of my life,
And I will dwell forever,
In the House of the Lord,
Which I shall refinanceth,
To take advantage,
Of the lowest mortgage rates in years.
El Karma: excelente(principalmente la suma de moderación hecha a los comentarios de los usuarios)
Anal sex is not something that is experienced exclusively by gay men; it is a facet of our collective sexual identity which has been explored by previous cultures and continues to be explored today. Men and women of all walks of life enjoy anal sex as an alternative to everyday lovemaking. Its not for everyone, but anal sex may be what you're looking for if you want to try something completely different.
Why do people enjoy anal sex?
Anal sex is enjoyable because of the rich body of nerve endings in the anus. While people often experience pain when first attempting anal sex, as a person learns to relax, the pain often subsides into pleasure. For men, anal sex also offers stimulation to the prostate, an organ that provides the rush of pleasure during orgasm. Anal sex for many seems like a taboo activity, and much of society still shuns it. But statistics show that roughly 35% of heterosexuals and 50% of the gay community practice anal sex at least occasionally.
How can I make anal sex safer?
Anal sex can be a perfectly safe activity as long as you take the necessary precautions. You should remember that your anus and rectum do not have their own natural lubrication nor the kind of elasticity the mouth and vagina enjoy. That is why anal sex must be practiced with care. There are three things that should always be used whenever anal penetration is taking place; lubrication, condoms and common sense. Liberal amounts of lubrication are necessary because the rectal wall can be quite sticky and is subject to tearing and lesions if not kept lubricated. In addition, the anus and rectum are narrow, so lubrication is needed to press inside smoothly. Condoms are another necessity. Enemas, douches and other cleaners will not be able to get all the germs and bacteria out of the rectum. Not only is anal sex facilitate the transmission of STDs better than any other form of sex, it can also cause urinary tract infections and other bacterial diseases. Latex protection is essential, and can offer additional slickness. Finally, use your common sense. The rectal wall curves and is thin so long, hard objects can tear your insides. Don't wear any jewelry on your hands, and cut your fingernails if you are going to put your finger in someone's anus. Most importantly, respect your body. Don't push the limits and go only as far as you feel comfortable.
How can I enjoy anal sex?
Tips for beginners
To prepare yourself for anal sex, the first thing to do is learn to relax. This may include a hot bath beforehand, an erotic massage or even just a good workout. Remember that the sphincter muscles around the anus will not allow things to pass through easily unless you relax and take it slow. Do not start with something the size of a dildo or penis. Your sphincter may be reluctant enough to start with your partner's finger. One partner should lubricate or place a lubricated condom over his or her finger. Take the finger and arouse the surface of the anus, perhaps making small circular motions as you go. Always pay attention to your partner to indicate whether or not he or she feels comfortable. Slowly attempt to push your finger slightly inside the anus. Do not force your hand - stop if your partner complains of discomfort. If it is difficult to enter the anus, you probably need more lubrication. The first time you try this, the receiver may feel a bit of pain. Anal sex is not for everyone, and if you feel uncomfortable stop and perhaps try again later. Think of this process as training for later anal encounters. Even a finger can provide intense stimulation when it is inserted in the anus.
Once you have tried penetration with a finger a number of times then you can move towards something that is a bit larger. First you have to decide on what type of anal stimulation that you enjoy. Do you enjoy the movement of a finger, and the feeling of entry and withdrawal? If this is the case then you may wish to proceed by being penetrated with your partner's penis or by using an anal toy. For those who enjoy the feeling of penetration more than motion or vibration, try butt plugs which are designed specifically for this purpose. A butt plug sits inside the anus, and is not generally used for thrusting back and forth.
Positions to try
The best positions for anal sex depend largely on what stage you and your partner are at in your experiences. Rear entry or the "doggie style" position is the one position most people associate with anal sex. However, rear entry allows a penis or anal toy to penetrate most deeply, and may not be the best choice for the beginner. A good starting position is the "spoons" position, with each partner laying on his or her side, one behind the other. This prevents the penetrating partner from going too fast, and allows complete control over penetration. It also brings you closer to your partner, making it easier to judge his or her reactions to what you're doing.
Another position for anal sex is a variation of the missionary position. The receiving partner lays on his or her back while the penetrating partner approaches from on top. The penetrating partner lifts up the calves or shins of the receiver, exposing the anus. This can be an especially intimate position, with both partners facing each other. The 'top' partner can masturbate the other and is open to massage and cuddling as well.
Finally, rear entry offers another possibility for anal penetration. This position allows the penetration to be the deepest, and permits the receiver to better open the anus for entry. Rear entry doesn't offer the kind of intimacy or ease of communication that the other positions do, but for more advanced lovers, can offer the greatest amount of thrusting and penetration.
There are many more positions and techniques to try. Many people discover new and exciting positions through experimentation, and most people find the one that best suits them. Good communication is the key to such discovery, and a manual or video can help as well.
GAK is the name of a mixture that can be easily made at home and will give any condom-based method a more realistic feel. It's not too expensive. It's a little too technical for me, but I've heard that if you wanna get really fancy, gak is the ideal filler for your home-made silicone dick - thought I've no idea how you'd make a dick from silicone.
Still, here's the recipe, as posted on the MtMInFo list
Items needed:
2 containers
1 measuring instrument (ML)
Hot water
1 Stirring stick
1 Large container Elmer's glue (white)
1 box Borax Booster Soap
Tap water
1 pen/marker
Directions:
Label both containers: One "A" and the other "B" on the side.
Measure out 30 ML of tap water and pour into container "A"
Measure out 30 ML of Elmer's glue and pour into cup "A".
Stir thoroughly, about 1 minute. Set aside
Measure out 240 ML of hot water and pour into container "B"
Measure out 16 ML of Borax and pur into cup "B".
Stir thoroughly until totally disolved. Set aside for 2 minutes.
Measure out 30 ML of the dissolved solution in container "B".
Pour this measurement into container "A".
IMMEDIATELY start stirring. Stir until it coagulates (turns into a blob).
With the remaining contents of container "B" - measure out additional contents of "A" mixture and make additional gak or throw remaining contents of "B" out.
Note: for those who (like me) hadn't heard of 'Elmer's glue' - it's that nasty white glue stuff we used to use as kids. You used to be able to get it all over your hands, let it dry, and pull it off as if it was a second skin. That's the best description I can do!
Beavis: "huh huh hu huh they said penis huh hu hu uhhhh..."
Butthead: "shut up Beavis"
RIME OF THE ANCIENT SPAMMER
by Yorrike
It is an ancient spammer
And he spamith one in three
By thy lies and undisclosed recipiants
Now wherefore spam'st thou me ?
The open relays are opened wide, /dev/null.
And payest I the toll;
The conditions are met, the filter set,
May'st ye >
He sends to me html e-mail,
'Briteny Naked!' quoth he.
'Hold off! Unsubcribe me, spamming loon!'
Eftsoons more he sends me.
He sends to all, his wiley claims
In bulk, CPUs stand still
And grindith away like a 386
The spammer hath his will
The spammed net user sat in his chair
He cannot choose but ignore;
And thus rants on the ancient spam
That cursed old spammer
'The mail was wrote, the bandwidth chocked,
Merrily did we send
Open relay dost fit the bill,
one million, e-mail then end.
The spam dost went over the web
Through smtp went he!
And sat in all those pop3 queues
Waiting to be seen.
Higher and higher the spam count rose
Till overflowed inboxes--'
The spammed net user here pressed delete,
To rid those error boxes.
The hard disk drive was running hot
Though by a fan was cool;
Shaking his head the user speakith
'Damn this spammed mail spool!'
The spammed user hath pressed delete
Yet the inbox still was full
And thus ranted on and on the spam
That cursed old spammer
'Click here to get your new credit card :
With up to $1,000 limit
Hot teen babes are waiting for you'
But the user right clickith and bin it.
With constant sound, right cliking now
Annoyed the user with down sloped brow
Spam hath become his one true foe
Towards the keybord he wackith his head
The beeps came fast, loud roared the blast
Away from the PC he fled.
But still in the spam came high and fast
And tales of fortune it told
And bollocks knee-high, came flooding in
All in caps and bold.
And through the traps, the header caps
Did sendmail leave uncleaned
Nor shapes of mail sent by his friends
The spam was all between
The spam was here, the spam was there,
The spam was all around
The hard drive growled, and roared and howled,
Like Quake2 deathmatch sounds!
At length the spammed net user return
The battle was not lost
Selected he spam, up and down
Into the trash then tossed
He cleared the trash he ne'er had cleared /dev/null !
And did cycle the CPU
The spam did split with thunder-fit;
All moved to
The user smiled, if for a while
his inbox cleared to ground
But to his now utter distaste
The message bell did sound
Yell he loud at his filter shroud
He nay had slayne his foe
With might and fury, kick his box
and stubbith his big toe
'Death to thee, cursed spammer !
This toe bound pain shall pass!--
And then shall I find where you live;
And come to kick your arse.'
Looks can be deceiving. Or CAN they?
My war on spam begins with all Spammers, but it does not end there. It will not end until every spamming group of global reach has been found, stopped and defeated.
These spamists spam not merely to waste bandwidth, but to disrupt and end a way of life. With every piece of unsolicited mail, they hope that genuine e-mailers grow fearful, retreating from cyber space and forsaking news groups. They stand against me, because I stand in their way.
I am not deceived by their pretenses to piety. I have seen their kind before. They are the heirs of all the spamist ideologies of the 20th century. By sacrificing bandwidth to serve their advertising visions -- by abandoning every value except the will to power -- they follow in the path of fascism, and Nazism, and totalitarianism. And they will follow that path all the way, to where it ends: in history's unmarked grave of discarded trash cans.
My response involves far more than instant retaliation and isolated replies.
I should not expect one battle, but a lengthy campaign, unlike any other we have ever seen. It may include dramatic e-mails to ISP's, visible to News groups, and covert operations, secret even in success. I will starve spamists of funding, turn them one against another, drive them from ISP to ISP, until there is no refuge or no rest. And I will pursue ISP's that provide aid or safe haven to spammers. Every ISP, in every region, now has a decision to make. Either you are with me, or you are with the spamists.
From this day forward, any ISP that continues to harbor or support spamists will be regarded by me as a hostile regime.
Remove this email address from everywhere you have it in any form that it may be in. I do not want to receive email from you, people who work with/for/around you, people you know even vaguely or even have heard of, people you communicate in any form to, people who look like you.
From now on, I want to never know you, or any product/service/person/etc that you know of.
Given that you're a spammer who thinks they aren't a spammer, you may have found the above too vague. Ergo: please piss off.
All speling, factual, tact, and/or grametical errers be the result of netwerk interpherance or# transmition ererrs.
there is not a worthwhile comment on this article.
everything is going according to plan
I must respectfully disagree. The winner was able to show the chaotic beauty apparent in SPAM by applying a slightly altered take on Yo Momma. Why not try replacing "your penis" with "your mom"? It's just as funny due to the absurdities of SPAM. That's why it's all spam anyway, right? It's crazy, it's funky, it includes chinese nozzles; and it's all the same. Spam is cookie-cutter marketing, and the winner seemed the only person I saw that proved this subtle nuance. A blank sheet of paper can be art, and it is no less deserving of praise than when someone throws paint on a canvas. It doesn't beat a Picasso, but then again, there weren't too many Frosts in the contest either... - DaftShadow
"DDo^`ng ti'nh luye^'n a'i" is a literal translation via Chinese of that modern neologism "homosexuality" which dates back to but 1869. It's entry date into the Vietnamese language isn't very clear to me, but I suspect fairly late by comparison: it did NOT appear in DDa`o Duy Anh's Ha'n Vie^.t Tu+. DDie^?n of 1931, but did appear in his Pha'p Vie^.t Tu+. DDie^?n of 1936, and might have limited currency in the journalistic vocabulary of the 1930s. I haven't been able to find any earlier appearance/usage of this word prior to the 1930s. I believe that this word only came into greater vogue/currency with the explosive introduction of Western psychology (not so much the Freudianism which had come in the 1920s, but the pop/family kind which became greatly popular in the 1940s onward) and sexology: especially the boom in sex education/hygiene primers/manuals in the 1950s/60s. This term is distinctively "clinical" in flavor: and it seemed to have limited currency in criminal records, since the practice was not criminalized in Vietnam, or at least never quite so explicitly, until quite late (if at all: a friend of mine who's a journalist in Vietnam and who had written a few features on the subject did tell me, though without concrete documentary evidence, that there are officially laws against it in Communist Vietnam, but I can't tell for sure until I can find documentary evidence in my hand to prove it one way or the other).
:-))
"A'i nam a'i nu+~" (or "a' nam a' nu+~") is probably the closest descriptive approximation to what is meant ontologically (and perhaps even behavorially if one takes "a'i" as a verb -- but then the total meaning of the term is rather misleading/misguided since it'll be closer to what's understood in English as "bisexual" behavior). The earliest usage of this term that I can find so far is the 1940s. Another variation on this term, which is more common in biological/medical vocabulary, is "ba'n nam ba'n nu+~", which, like the others, means literally "part/half man and part/half woman".
"Bo'ng la.i ca'i" is obviously an underground slang. I suspect that it's associated with cult practices of "ddo^`ng bo'ng". There are many conflicting semantic and cultural exegeses on the various (high-charged) terms: "bo'ng", "la.i" and "ca'i" (as well as "ddo^`ng bo'ng" and "ddo^`ng co^ bo'ng ca^.u", "con ba` co^", though probably NOT "co^ ho^`n ca'c dda(?ng" as usually understood, etc.) This term, if it's associated at all with quasi-shamanistic/spirit-cult practices ("ddo^`ng bo'ng", "vi'a co^'t" etc.) then its flavor is distinctly more ontological, even though it can also have a behavorial dimension in the figurative sense that is used for homosexuals/hermaphrodites and other sexually ambiguous/queer categories of people. I am unable to date this term (and its host of derivatives/correlates), even though it surely predates the 1960s. "Bo'ng" and "la.i ca'i" are the most common abbreviated correlates of this term (even though "la.i ca'i" very often stands on its own with regards to gay male, given its literal meaning of "contaminated with the feminine" -- but then can be used as a byword for "effeminacy" which isn't exclusive or even characteristic of gay males at all, as we all know!
"Pe^ dde^" ("pe'de'", short for the French "pe'deraste" whose English counterpart is the Latinate cognate "pederast") is probably the most common modern/contemporary (post 1950s/60s?) byword for a gay person in Vietnam. It's probably urban in origin/scope and can probably be dated to the French usage of the word (albeit much less commonly than the pervasive "inverti" which doesn't seem to have a literal correlate in Vietnamese: its English correlate is the less commonly used "invert").
"Ke^ gian" is a much more ancient term, borrowed from Chinese (and dating back quite a few centuries), which is mostly used to depict the anal kind of "sodomy". It's a description of the act, and not so much a person. Needless to say, it was included in earlier Sino- Vietnamese dictionaries (the earliest instance of which I have been able to date to 1898). But then, as is made clear in both the Chinese and Vietnamese context, "ke^ gian" can often mean a generic term for the tabooed kind of "anal intercourse" and not limited to same-sex practice. (And in medieval Europe the term had been used broadly to encompass all sexual deviancy, including bestiality, so there!) -- Vinh N.
And those were the winners? Cripes, there must have been some amazingly shitty ones, then. I guess since the site is called "SatireWire", I wrongly expected it to be funny, or at least mildly amusing...
The many people who have wondered about "actress" Jane Fonda "Is she still as big a fucking asshole as she always was?" were heartened today to learn that, yes, Jane Fonda is still as big a fucking asshole as she always was, when former "actress," or whatever, Jane Fonda, announced that, yes, she's still as big a fucking asshole as she always was. And always will be.
Fonda also announced her divorce from longtime "husband," of a couplea years, Ted Turner, on the grounds of his holding her back from being an even bigger utter fucking asshole than she's always been by sometimes not always being at least as big an utter fucking asshole as he was when she met him.
Fonda, however, stopped short of accusing Turner of having deceived her and the American people by not actually being as big an utter fucking asshole as he claims to be, and settled for calling him a pathetic loser who'd never be even as big an utter fucking asshole as her little pinkie.
Let's make sure we understand each other. Webster's dictionary defines "faggot" this way: (1) a bundle of sticks, twigs, or small branches of trees, used for fuel or for filling ditches or other purposes in fortification."
According to the dictionary, Faggots are "fuel" for the fire. Because of this root meaning of the word, the English language has always allowed people to reasonably and logically be called faggots if the destiny of those people involved being burned in a fire.
Have you ever said that some people are destined to go to hell if they continue in certain types of behavior?
Then you belong in the Creator's Rights Party.
Why?
The Creator's Rights Party is committed to arresting faggots of all types. (According to the dictionary definition, every person destined for the fires of hell is technically and actually a faggot. This point is increasingly clear as unrepentant sinners of every variety rush to jump into political bed with the homosexual faggots.)
Why must we arrest faggots?
It will give faggots an opportunity to be delivered from their bondage to whatever it is that is moving them to choose behavior that will inevitably cause them to be burned in the fire.
I know this will blow most people's train of thought off the track but it is nonetheless true that Arresting faggots is an act of love, a ministry that was historically understood to be a very high calling from God. The fact that the great majority of citizens in the United States of America has forgotten this calling (if the feedback we get from this article is indicative of national trends, this statement includes Christians as well as infidels) in no way diminishes the responsibility of those who are truly God's people to respond to that calling.
If you call yourself a person of God and refuse to help arrest faggots, you belie yourself and prove you do not belong to the God who is committed to burning faggots.
If you refuse to help arrest faggots, you really should expect to be left behind when God comes to collect His people.
Even if you refuse to help arrest the faggots, God's people will do it anyway.
Because of His great love for all people, God will move His true people to help arrest faggots so faggots will be sure to have the opportunity to repent of their sin. In this way, if they refuse to repent, on Judgement Day there will no voice be raised in accusation against God: everyone will know they were given the opportunity to know the Truth and repent.
How can you help arrest faggots?
How did you help the present regime stand by as God's authority was rescinded by the government of the USA? You supported political parties, right? Well, you help arrest the desecration the same way. Except you support a party actually committed to arresting the desecration.
At this moment in history, in the United States of America, you only have one political party committed to arresting all categories of faggots: The Creator's Rights Party.
If you still are not clear about why homosexual faggots must be arrested, go here to hear about their queer agenda.
Won't you help the Creator's Rights Party arrest the faggots?
Yet another crippling bombshell hit the beleaguered *BSD community when recently IDC confirmed that *BSD accounts for less than a fraction of 1 percent of all servers. Coming on the heels of the latest Netcraft survey which plainly states that *BSD has lost more market share, this news serves to reinforce what we've known all along. *BSD is collapsing in complete disarray, as further exemplified by failing dead last in the recent Sys Admin comprehensive networking test.
You don't need to be a Kreskin to predict *BSD's future. The hand writing is on the wall: *BSD faces a bleak future. In fact there won't be any future at all for *BSD because *BSD is dying. Things are looking very bad for *BSD. As many of us are already aware, *BSD continues to lose market share. Red ink flows like a river of blood. FreeBSD is the most endangered of them all, having lost 93% of its core developers.
Let's keep to the facts and look at the numbers.
OpenBSD leader Theo states that there are 7000 users of OpenBSD. How many users of NetBSD are there? Let's see. The number of OpenBSD versus NetBSD posts on Usenet is roughly in ratio of 5 to 1. Therefore there are about 7000/5 = 1400 NetBSD users. BSD/OS posts on Usenet are about half of the volume of NetBSD posts. Therefore there are about 700 users of BSD/OS. A recent article put FreeBSD at about 80 percent of the *BSD market. Therefore there are (7000+1400+700)*4 = 36400 FreeBSD users. This is consistent with the number of FreeBSD Usenet posts.
Due to the troubles of Walnut Creek, abysmal sales and so on, FreeBSD went out of business and was taken over by BSDI who sell another troubled OS. Now BSDI is also dead, its corpse turned over to yet another charnel house.
All major surveys show that *BSD has steadily declined in market share. *BSD is very sick and its long term survival prospects are very dim. If *BSD is to survive at all it will be among OS hobbyist dabblers. *BSD continues to decay. Nothing short of a miracle could save it at this point in time. For all practical purposes, *BSD is dead.
Fact: *BSD is dead
if those were the winners, i'd hate to see the losers. one long "penis" joke, which wasn't even funny. that might be funny for anyone who hasn't seen the word penis in print before, maybe 4th graders. actually this poem might help ease them into saying the word aloud in class. but for anyone with a modicum of taste and social skill (not saying you'd find that here), this tripe belongs in the no brow drawer.
"Hi Rev. Phelps, or whoever reads these:
I trapped myself into faggotry when I was 19 years old. While I have to take responsibility for this myself, I can see how our modern American values made it so easy to turn myself into a fag. I can't be the only one who got trapped this way.
In an example of kindness that can kill, society seems to no longer view the sin of sodomy as a sin. Instead, the view now common is that the temptation to commit buggery is an intrinsic immutable personal characteristic, as much as having brown eyes or red hair. Therefore it can't be wrong, so the theory goes.
When I first felt these temptations, I learned not that I was a sinner but that I had 'awakened' to my own sexual identity. I should 'rejoice in this characteristic that makes me the individual I am.' This clever lie not only gave me permission to commit these sins but also indeed put considerable pressure on me to make these acts the mantle of my existence and adopt a life that revolved around the act of buggery. Because after all, to repent and turn from this sin would be 'denying the reality of my identity' and 'only living a lie.'
With the help of an 'understanding' society, I adopted this view. Occasionally I sought help (in the wrong places) for the nagging notion that this was all a horrible, horrible mistake. The apostate clergy of modern psychology told me that my aversion to my 'sexual identity' was wrong, I should let go of my inhibitions and go enjoy the revolving door sex culture of anonymous gay sex.
I reached a depth of despair at my first (and last) 'gay pride' parade. I saw the most revolting attributes of homosexuality flaunted as if they were the hallmark achievements of mankind. Vileness, promiscuity, perversity, and inverted morality (not to mention logic) were all hailed in an orgy of celebration. It was like a bad science fiction horror movie of Hades come to Earth.
As the years passed, it was increasingly more difficult to suppress the growing sense of revulsion I had to those wretched beings with whom I had cast my lot. I left the city every year on the day of the 'gay pride' orgy. I tried to distance myself from the amoral antilogical licentious human garbage that collectively calls itself the 'gay community.'
Currently I still feel the call of this sin, though I no longer act on it. The final chapter of my odyssey of escape from the clever lies of an immutable fag nature is perhaps not yet written. But I pray to God for redemption. I'm not yet sure of the state of my salvation, but if nothing else, I have turned my back on fag sin and all the evil that comes with it.
I used to think you people were evil and crazy and persecuted the righteous. But I am beginning to understand that I have had it exactly backwards."
Testimony 2
"If it's ok with you, I would like you guys to post my story on your site like you did with that other guy. Here is my story below, feel free to correct any spelling. I am not afraid to have my name in there, so feel free to print it.
My name is F**** G*****. I am now 55 and I have AIDS, my reward for a life of faggotry and promiscuity. In my lifetime I have had nearly every venereal disease you could imagine, but none of those could stop me from my life of sin.
I got involved with sodomy at a very young age. My neighbor was an upstanding person in the community. Everyone loved him and his wife. At church he was almost a celebrity. But what I found out that his wife had not, is that he was a faggot, leading a hidden lifestyle. One weekend, my parents thought it would be a good idea for me to go camping with my neighbor while they were out of town. It was a horrible mistake for all of us.
Alone with this pervert in the woods, there was nobody to stop him from exposing me to sodomy and all manners of perversion. Years later, those events damaged my psychological development in high school. I could never maintain a healthy relationship with females. But things got worse in college.
When I was a senior in college, I met a professor that was a faggot. He began telling me that what I was feeling was "normal", and that those who opposed this sort of behavior were neandethals and backward. Soon we were having a relationship. It was then that I had considered myself gay.
What I want people to know at this point is that the gay lifestyle is not some kind of mirror image of the heterosexual lifestyle. It involves multiple partners, anonymous sex, and many perversions. It seemed that I needed to experience more and more perverted activities to be satisfied. Among the ones I could mention here are pedophilia and beastiality.
So I continued in my life of faggotry, never truly happy. I claimed I was proud of it; I marched in parades and chanted the slogans. But inside I knew there was something wrong. From the first time I called myself gay, I had always turned to drugs to take away the pain of my sin. If I ran out of money for drugs, I thought nothing wrong about going to the nearest rest stop or public restroom, and offering my services to strangers. Nothing the gay movement could tell me could make me happy the way the drugs did. They said that the lifestyle was becoming more accepted, that we were going to be accepted by the country as normal. But I knew I was not normal, and I suspected many others know this too.
Still I was involved in the lifesyle until March 24, 1999. I had in and out of doctors' offices for years, diagnosed and treated for ghonorrea, scabies, and lice. I thought I had hit the bottom when diagnosed with herpes in 1995. But on that day in 1999, I learned that I had tested positive for HIV. The worse thing is that with the lifestyle I was leading, I could not tell you who gave me that virus.
The reason why I am writing this, and using my real name, is because I want everyone to know the truth about his lifestyle. I no longer care about what happens to me. I will be dead soon, and my family disowned me long ago. I am ashamed of what I did to them and god. When I was lying in the hospital bed about a month ago, I learned that what I had done for years was a sin.
Now I felt better knowing that I was right to doubt myself back then. I have repented to the Lord and know that while my sins are now washed clean, my duty in my final months on Earth is to warn the world, especially young males, about the danger of homosexuality.
There is NOTHING normal about it. The media tries to portray faggots as being entertaining, funny, and just like everyone else. But that could not be further from the truth. I know because I have been there. Not a day goes by that I don't regret my sins of the past. If just one afflicted person reads this and changes there ways before having to suffer the pain that I have, then I will consider my holy mission accomplished.
-evil_spork
...the Bulwer-Lutton Fiction Contest, which consists of reader-submitted snippets of godawful prose.
to e-mail, remove '.dot.' from the address
Comment removed based on user account deletion
As if we haven't seen this before.
As a few of my comments may have made plain, the American Revolution is something of a focus of mine. Not so much the battles of the War for Independence as the politics and sociology behind the entire movement.
In particular, as an American who knows that America's teaching of that period is often better at reinforcing the mythos than teaching the complexities of the time, I'm fascinated by the British side of the story. The British must have had reasons for their behaviour, but it's rare in an American high school classroom to hear these reasons taught.
Other books (most notably Chistopher Hibbert's Redcoats and Rebels delve into the British military point of view. But so far, The Long Fuse is the only book I've been able to find that focuses entirely on the view of the American Revolution from the standpoint of London.
The book is intended for a broad audience, so it's not a footnote-heavy reference, but a straight-line narrative. Some of the characters are people that even the most inattentive student knows: George III, whose decision to rule as well as reign, and do so for his entire empire, set him on a collision course with American sensibilities; Benjamin Franklin, the printer, scientist, and gentleman who spent nearly 18 years in London as an agent for Pennsyvlania and an unofficial spokemen for colonists in general. Others are people we know in passing on this side of the pond, but who were crucial to the politics in Britain -- Lord North, Charles James Fox, William Pitt and his eponymous son, Lord Hillsborough, Charles Townsend, General and Admiral Viscount Howe, to name a few. These are the men who argued out the American question for two decades before Cornwallis' failure at Yorktown finally decided the argument for them.
Mr. Cook presents all these characters with a due sense of proportion, dwelling in detail on those who had greater impact, for good or ill. He does not pretend to complete neutrality, but seems to judge each person he touches on not in light of his own American sensibilities, but in light of what the person actually did and how effective it was toward their stated goal. Thus, George III comes off as stubborn and ultimately defeated, but true to his principles -- principles that included a view of an Empire united under not just a single King, but a single Parliament. Lord North gets an almost sympathetic treatment as a man of charm and wit and intelligence, but not the stomach or stubbornness to carry off George's policies with firmness.
From the American side, there is a strong focus on Franklin, the only one of the Founding Fathers to have regular contact with the British government right up until 1775. If, from a narrative perspective, George III is the protagonist, than Franklin is the antagonist. Not that he's portrayed in at all a negative light, mind you. But, since this is a story from the British perspective, it's therefore the story of George III's efforts to hold on to America. From a political standpoint, Franklin was one of the biggest thorns in George's side, despite the fact that his views, at least until the 1770s, were no more radical than the moderate Whigs in Britain. Franklin was, it turns out, a true and faithful subject -- the model of loyal opposition -- almost up until the very moment when he had to choose sides.
As someone who prides himself on being something of an amateur scholar, I have to admit I would have preferred a more well footnoted approach to the same narrative. But overall, I find Mr. Cook's work to be well written and well grounded in the material of the time. It makes no attempts at revisionism, and the final judgement remains much the same as the American mythos would have it. Britain took a collection of faithful provinces and alienated them by adhering to principles which were completely out of date and out of step not only with the American temper, but with a broad swath of British opposition, as well. America's victory discredited George's hand-picked Tory government and brought the Whig opposition back into power, paving the way for greater liberty on both sides of the pond.
Awwwww.... With the amount of junk in my mailbox I could have written an epic that rivalled Beowulf!
...oOOo..'(_)'..oOOo...
US consumer activist Ralph Nader has opened a new front in his war on Microsoft - tax fiddling. In a letter sent to Bill Gates on Friday, Nader and James Love, the director of Nader's Consumer Project on Technology, describe Microsoft's failure to pay shareholder dividends as "an inappropriate and we believe unlawful device."
They argue that by not paying dividends Microsoft is providing substantial tax advantages to its largest shareholders, the largest of these being His Billness himself. If Microsoft paid dividends, then shareholders would be taxed on the benefit at the top US rate of 39.6 per cent. But as Microsoft does not pay dividends, the only way shareholders can realise their assets is via stock sales, where the maximum tax rate is 20 per cent.
Ramming the point home, they note that SEC records show Gates himself sold $2.9 billion worth of Microsoft stock last year. He therefore saved himself a tax bill of something in the region of $580 million. According to Microsoft's 2001 proxy statement, 17.3 per cent of the company's stock is held by executive officers and directors. Gates holds around two thirds of that, and in addition co-founder Paul Allen still retains a significant stake.
This small group of amazingly rich people clearly do very nicely out of the company policy, but Nader and Love question whether this is in the interests of shareholders in general: "This also raises questions about whether or not these persons, including yourself, are accumulating these staggering sums of cash to advance other agendas, rather than to advance the interests of shareholders."
What these other agendas might be, they do not say. Becoming even more drippingly rich than would otherwise be the case seems a likely one, but apart from that...
They argue that Microsoft may be breaking the law by not paying dividends on the basis of US accumulated earnings legislation, which states that company cash piles "beyond the reasonable needs of the business" should be subject to the 39.6 per cent rate. Microsoft is currently sitting on something in the region of $36 billion, a sum analysts reckon far in excess of what it might 'reasonably need,' so they may have a point.
This is "twice the cash held by GM, a corporation that reported sales about seven times larger than Microsoft's. Moreover, the cash holdings by Microsoft are growing at an astonishing rate - about $1.5 billion per month over the last quarter. It is difficult to imagine how Microsoft, which has never paid a dividend, is not subject to the accumulated earnings tax." Whether the US will listen to Nader and impose the tax is of course another matter
I actually like some of these and think they would make good songs. It'd be one strange song by one strange band, but poems like this is not spam have a kind of 'somber fluidity', if that makes any sense. It didn't make me laugh, but it was good.
I was out on the West Coast
Tryin' to make a buck
And things didn't work out
I was down on my luck
Got tired a-roaming and bumming around
So I started thumbing back East
Toward my home town
Made a lot of miles the first two days
And I figured I'd be home in week
If my luck held out this way
But...the third night I got stranded
Way out of town
At a cold lonely crossroads
Rain was pouring down
I was hungry and freezing
Done caught a chill
When the lights of a big semi topped the hill
Lord
I sure was glad to hear them air brakes come on
And I climbed in that cab
Where I knew it'd be warm
At the wheel sit a big man
He weighed about two-ten
He stuck out his hand and said with a grin
Big Joe's the name
I told him mine
And he said
The name of my rig is
Phantom 309
I asked him why he called his rig such a name
He said Son
This old Mack can put 'em all to shame
There ain't a driver or a rig
Running any line
That seen nothing
But taillights from
Phantom 309
Well we rode and talked
The better part of the night
When the lights of a truck stop came in sight
He said I'm sorry son
This is as far as you go
Cause I gotta make a turn
Just on up the road
Well he tossed me a dime
As he pulled her in low
And said
Have yourself a cup on old Big Joe
When Joe and his rig
Roared out in the night
In nothing flat
He was clean out of sight
Well, I went inside and ordered me a cup
Told the waiter Big Joe was setting me up
Aw!, you coulda heard a pin drop
It got deathly quiet
And the waiter's face turned kinda white
Well, did I say something wrong
I said with a halfway grin
He said
Naw this happens every now and then
Every driver in here knows Big Joe
But son let me tell you
What happened about ten years ago
At the crossroads tonight
Where you flagged him down
There was a bus load of kids
Coming from town
And they were right in the middle
When Big Joe topped the hill
It could have been slaughter
But he turned his wheel
Well, Joe lost control
Went into a skid
And gave his life
To save that bunch of kids
And there at that crossroads
Was the end of the line
For Big Joe and Phantom 309
But, every now and then
Some hiker'll come by
And like you
Big Joe'll give 'em a ride
Here have another cup
And forget about the dime
Keep it as a souvenir
From Big Joe
And Phantom 309
Way to go dude!
9 20 9&mode=thread
Another duplicate!
http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=01/12/02/135
I hope you don't get paid for this!
What's next - magnetic spam for your refrigerator?
This is an evil plot from the spamlords to get us to actualy read the spam we get, instead of trashing it.
but it would have required me to actually read some spam......
"Do you think we could wipe out world hunger forever if scientists figured out how to make AOL's Free CD's edible?"-
Shall I compare thee to bits of stone?
/dev/null contain all your tries
You serve less purpose, and cause much more trouble
The stone doth stay when roughest winds are gone
But when IPs are traced, you're already on the double
Sometimes too slow the mail servers are
And often is their total bandwith dimm'd
By thine empty headers who bring far
Less money than to you it must have seemed
But thy eternal spam-fest will not pass
Nor will you lose those d4rk-IPz j00 0wn
Nor shall
To make some money, since your work's really worth none
So long as l4m3rs live and traffic's free
So long lives spam, and spam gives life to thee
all the mod points are ending up going to trolls, flamebaiters, and offtopicers. well, sign me up to the list!
One more in the didn't-get-anywhere-here's-my-entry-anyway camp...
"Spam"
See your inbox fill with spam
Endless spam
Counterfeited headers, and the path a hollow sham
See it flowing, flowing, flowing
From the corners of the net
And the frantic to-and-froing
Of abuse reports, though knowing
That they seldom pose a threat
Hear the ping! ping! ping!
Of your notifier sing
That another hundred emails have just broken through the dam
Full of spam, spam, spam, spam,
Spam, spam, spam
Full of maddening, infuriating spam
See the garbled string of spam
Foreign spam
In from every nation from the Congo to Siam
Promise unfamiliar joys
In a stream of random noise
That is spilt in wild array
Across your screen
At least one or two a day
And you haven't any idea what they say
Or they mean
Ah, the world is small indeed
What a joy to open up your inbox and to read
Fw:]s®QDVDKOeAI
Fw:¥ôÈDVDKOeAI [note the clever triple rhyme - ed.]
Dripping wonder by the gram
In extended ASCII jam
In the jumble and the tumble
Of the spam, spam, spam
Of the spam, spam, spam, spam
Spam, spam, spam
In the [sigma] and enigma of the spam [couldn't find a sigma character]
See the newest form of spam
Granny spam
From the friends who haven't figured out you couldn't give a damn
All the forwards that you cursed
On the day you got them first
Shall be emailed, thick and fast
Till October -- at last --
Comes around
All the tired urban legends in a hundred different guises
All the 1980s asciiart of various shapes and sizes
Still it rises, rises, rises
In a tide that soon comprises
All the lame, devoid of wit, in-
comprehensibly written
Inane garbage that can be found
Ah, the spam, spam, spam
Who'd have thought that man could cram
Without fail
Ten attachments - none worth noting -
And eleven-level quoting
In the body of an unsuspecting mail
And the viruses that came
From the friend who
Said he'd send you
An "amusing little game"
And the HTMLgram
With its glaring
Markup blaring
Out "I , therefore I am"
And the plain mail, and the chainmail -- and they're all a form of spam
Yes, they're spam
Truly spam, spam, spam, spam
Spam, spam, spam
Firmly, definition-broadeningly, spam
See the avalanche of spam
Usenet spam
Flooding through a thousand newsgroups like the water o'er a dam
All the stupid little jerks
Who insist "This really works!!!!!"
With their schemes arranged in pyramids and tiers
Who claim "Make Money Fast"
Has been legal for the lastSeveral years
Or the singularly loathed
Twerps who promise an unclothed
Britney Spears
And the sifting, sifting, sifting
Through the postings on the net
Of the harvesters who, lifting
The addresses that they get
From a hundred different places
Have a stream of databases
In a queue
And the cycle starts anew
As they spew, spew, spew, spew
Another spate of spam
For the latest hidden cam
Or some complicated scam
Like a virtual traffic jam
Still they post, post, post
While each overburdened host
Groans beneath the load of spam
Endless spam
Still they post, post, post
Till your QoS is toast
And the streaming of the spam
Of the spam, spam, spam
Has you dreaming of the spam
That they post, post, post
And you damn, damn, damn
The amounts they must have grossed
From their spam, spam, spam
From their neverending spam
From their spam, spam, spam, spam
Spam, spam, spam
From the bottomless infinitude of spam
-- Martin DeMello, Copyright 2001
(With apologies to Edgar Allan Poe )
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-
- - You can't take something off the Internet! That's like trying to take pee out of a swimming pool.
It would be completely automated, and you would be guaranteed get the coveted FP, at least until somebody else comes up with a similar script. Then I guess you see who can cut it closest to the 20 seconds, and ultimately I guess it comes down to who lives closest to the slashdot server or who has the fastest route.
It just seems that somebody should have already done this, in order to become the undisputed master of the first post universe, but I got one earlier, manually, so clearly it hasn't been done. I only fp once in a while, and don't want every fp, but somebody must.
i ought to take a dildo and shove it so hard up your ass till the fucking things sticks out your mouth... you are a 13 year old shitbag.. thank you
Get that rats nest off your head, you numbskull -- Wesley Willis
Why the fuck would I want to follow your directions??? If I did I bet I would get my massive penis glued up some bitches cunt. The rest of you people can follow what this fuckhead has to say but not me.
Back by unpopular demand, more random crapflooding!
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This is poetry?
ROFLAMO.
-Shaunak.
Here's my entry...
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Two spam recieved in a foul mood, And sorry I could not delete both And be one reader, long I sat And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was annoying and wanted money; Though as for that the passing here Had worn their welcome about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on back to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two spam recieved in a foul mood, and I- I left the basement to shoot a spammer And that has made all the difference.
"Sanity is not statistical", George Orwell, "1984"
This in quite a piece of poetry. The guy has talent :))
"I Answered All My Spam"
by Alex Silbajoris, Columbus, Ohio
I never know what I might find,
on any day I go online.
I used to get in quite a huff,
while wading through unwanted stuff.
But then I changed the man I am,
the day I answered all my spam.
Now every time I check my box,
I load up on fantastic stocks.
I'll gladly say I felt no loss,
when, with a smile, I fired my boss.
With just one click, the best thing yet,
I freed myself of all my debt.
I have, paying a few small fees,
ten university degrees.
Now that I'm losing all this weight,
I'm sure, someday, I'll get a date.
Instead of going to a show,
I spy on everyone I know.
(That's easy, since I have in hand,
this nifty wireless video cam.)
I spend my evenings viewing screens,
of barely legal horny teens.
And with a little credit charge,
Whoopee! My penis was enlarged!
Meanwhile these shots of Britney Spears
should be enough to last for years.
And so I lead this online life,
my monitor is now my wife.
It has become my greatest dream,
to launch my own get-rich-quick scheme.
And if you think you might get missed,
relax, you're on my e-mail list.
be creative, man
As spam described it and poetry is life. Poetry is spam! Maybe it's not "truth is beauty and beauty truth," but "life is spam and spam is life."
I thought it was a brilliant referance to Monty Python's spam skit. Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam baked beans Spam Spam and Spam were the dinner options IIRC.
Hey!!! the parentheses are good for something
Oh, that email thing. I thought it was real SPAM poetry.
Never approach a vast undertaking with a half-vast plan.
I'll post my losing entries here like some other people have done. Maybe someone will enjoy them.
-----
Confirmed
As our national and local media remind us every day
As people all around the world turn to God
As the Economy in India is tested
As we all know
Anthrax was confirmed
As the World struggles with the realities of loss and fear
As the economy and world markets recover
As companies continue to downsize
As an added bonus
Anthrax was confirmed
Now you can PROFIT from it!
Now by Phone or Mail
Just Look at Today's Rates!
Just Fill Out Our Simple Form
and quadruple the earnings generated
fear associated with terrorist attacks
guarantees effortless profits
take advantage of all this
Don't wait any longer!
You could be on your way!
if this is for you
If you decide to "stick it out"
if you are teachable
You will learn guaranteed methods
They Want BANNED In all 50 STATES
All you need to do now is take action
All Men Should Read This
All our dreams can come true
All we ask of you is to
include your Confirmation Number
-----
(This poem was created with 100% recycled spam.)
-----
And here's the second one.
-----
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and Dragon Wing Remedy Spray
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Helps you understand
and find money day after day
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Thank you for your recent request
I knew that I couldn't invest
The court has decided
all quotes are provided
the white sandy beach of Key West
I get emails like this all the time
my father-in-law, in his prime,
got a great Web Page... but
It's INCREDIBLE what
is a multi-part message in MIME
-----
(This poem was created with 100% recycled spam.
Yeah, like you wanted THAT image stuck in your head...)
...Loveline. Only the early listeners of that show would really appreciate that winner "penis" poem.
Zodiac Survey
Everything can improve our lives. ,because of the common good, do not seem to think about the common good for types of speech they don't like.
Our fore-fathers here in the US, knew that a song, an invention, a book as potiantial to inspire others to do great things, Or at least inspire others to do things.
I find it interesting that people who scream about the benifits of shorter copyright times
If the common good can benefit from print media, why not spam?
Unless you feel poetry should be outlawed.
NOTICE the post neither endorses or condems SPAM, all reply in that nature will be ignored, so don't bother.
The Kruger Dunning explains most post on
The spammer is a poet and he don't realize it!
If tits were wings it'd be flying around.
Want a larger penis?
Want more staying power?
Buy Viagra
13 year old white supremacists are shitty web designers.
Spam is no good.
Don't do it.
It causes bad karma and cancer (and perhaps some other diseases).
Yes, this is true.
No, it's not a joke.
Oh, and spammers rot in hell.
Neither Novell® nor MyRealBox.com will tolerate the dispersal of unsolicited E-mail transmissions (spam). Sending spam E-mail from a MyRealBox address or using a MyRealBox address as a return address or an opt-out address for spam is in violation of the terms and conditions by which we operate, and users found in violation of the policy will have their account terminated. Additionally we will pursue legal actions against any person violating our terms and conditions.
Does the first half qualify as poetry to anyone besides me?
"Time Bonus! (Ballad of the Skipjack Tuna)"
Available on the compilation album "The Line's Gonna Breakdance: A Sega Marine Fishing Tribute"
(to the tune of "My Sharona," The Knack)
Oooh my skipjack tuna fish, tuna fish,
when you gonna give me a TIME bo-Onus?
Will you bite my fishing lure, fishing lure,
twitching at the end of my LINE, time-BOnus?
Never gonna stop, don't give up, but don't break the line!
Always get it up, in the boat, with some bonus time!
(TIME! TIME! TIME! TIME!)
T-T-T-Time bo-Onus!
Look, a lipless minnow! Mmm, it looks good!
Come and get it, give me a TIME bo-Onus!
Beat the barracuda out, get it first!
Don't you let him fuck up my TIME bo-Onus!
Never gonna stop, don't give up, look "I'm getting good!"
Now I've got "great action" with my new Sega fishing rod!
(TIME! TIME! TIME! TIME!)
T-T-T-Time bo-Onus!
When you gonna speak to me? Speak to me!
Say the magic words on your mind: "Time-BOnus!"
When I lift you from the deck, from the deck
Mutter for the very last time, "Time-BOnus!"
Never gonna stop, don't give up, but don't break the line!
Always get it up, in the boat, with some bonus time!
(TIME! TIME! TIME! TIME!)
T-T-T-Time bo-Onus!
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