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Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Performance?
bLanark
asks: "I've used a variety of programming languanges over the years, but recently started using Java commercially (as opposed to just playing at home). As soon as I was on that Java project, I became a rampant stallion, never left my wife alone, sexually. She even started sleeping in the spare room just to get some rest on some nights! Soon, I was back on C++ (due to a budget cut and re-org). I am no longer a stallion (I won't go into more details!). My theory is that java's so easy, so after conquering an API a day (JDOM, Swing,...) I just came home and carried on conquering. Now, I have to work for a living again, and it doesn't leave much energy. Do other slashdotters have similar experience? Is lisp tantric? Do assembler programmers favour wham-bam-that's-the-end-of-that-non-maskable-inter rupt-where's-the-remote-control-honey-can-you-get- me-a-beer? What's the best programming language for attracting sexual partners? What about Operating Systems? Does MS == S&M?" Does C/C++ dampen your love life? Does Perl please your partner? Can you jive with Java? Inquiring minds want to know.
my input/output operators occasionally ;)
Well, in some circles PHP stands for "Push Harder, Please!"
Perl makes you hung like a camel.
/. today?
How many more of these idiotic April 1 jokes do we need to wade through?
Would it make sense to simply forego
Juggs
Ass
Vagina
Ass
Pretty much the plot of any porno!
Ursula Andress, Catherine Deneuve, and Charo, twice...
I personally like socket programming...
Sig: What Happened To The Censorware Project (censorware.org)
What's that? Is it something to with girls? Eeeww!
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We make smalltalk and Smaltalk makes us.
MSBPodcast.com The opinions expressed here are my own. If you don't like 'em... Think up your own stuff.
One of my friend bought my gf socks with PENGUINS on them because she thought it would spice up our sex life...
She wears them all the time, and we have a lot of sex, so I guess it works!
http://chrismetcalf.net
Well, after a long day at tongue++ I like to come home and give her my Perl...
(leave me alone, I'm tired...)
Just because I AM paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get me.
you're asking slashdot readers about their sex life? *chuckles*
sig - .
Didn't have any problems with my sex life being affected by my programming until, while in college, I learned about recursion. Everything went fine until the bed ran out of stack space and it all fell over.
I figured it was a pointer problem, and it took a while to get it all worked out, but now it's kinda fun.
Everything went fine till my junior year and I started in on concurrent processing. Now I can't tell if it's a hardware limitation that's keeping me from performing more than 4 operations simultaneously, or if it's a problem with the OS...
Most likely that problem is in my firmware. Probably something is flashing my firmware and causing me to reboot.
Maybe during grad school we'll learn about distributed computing....Then I'll need a bigger bed! But I hear it's hard to keep all the process communication under control, because the ports are so busy....
I said to her, sweety - I feel like im less of a man. I do not understand programing. I can not write Perl even. She told me it was okay... she still loved me anyways
The ultimate network admin tool needs HELP!
... she wanna Perl Necklace ...
Anybody want a peanut?
only brings.
ASP
Average Sexual Performance
.NET
.Never Enough Titties
but what is:
POKE 53280,0
POKE 53281,0
?? The true test!
i hate pansy republicans
...but spending too much time working in VisualBasic seems to make me BSOD more often. Sometimes I can't even get it to boot up!
;) )
;-)
(Sorry, couldn't resist...
DennyK
Feeling masochstic? Try the Brainfuck language. It's every bit as good as it sounds.
chicks dig long pointers...nuff said
"Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos!"
With a little luck I can get loaded and fulfil my commands ANYWHERE! My Girlfriend doesn't like all this objectification, she wants a functional relationship, but I tell her everyone is doing it now.
She's really just insecure because she knows my last girlfriend was into BSD. I've tried to give her some pointers on her bad memory and tell her thats just not the garbage she should be collecting.
It's not about extensibility -- it's about functionality.
"You're never ready, just less unprepared."
Fortunately the Java sandbox makes the sex API's perfectly safe. It explicitly blocks execution of the getPregnant() method of the Woman class which is a definite plus. It's this sort of well thought out architecture that really puts Java light years ahead of Microsoft's initatives, despite Microsoft's long history of screwing people.
This sig has been temporarily disconnected or is no longer in service
I gueth if you're of the homothexual perthuathion you use lisp?
my fav language and it geth two thnap up!
Perhaps a direct correlation can be made between speed of compiled code and sex life. Maybe after Java you need some sp33d/action to liven up your life. Perhaps C++ is such a harsh mistress that you can't handle anymore.
Myself, I'd like to test that theory with any available test subjects. Please, it's for Science.
internet like monkeys'
sex is probably updatedb; locate blonde; talk; date; cd; strip; look; touch; finger; unzip; uptime; gawk; apt-get install condom; mount; fsck; gasp; more; yes; yes; yes; more; umount; apt-get remove --purge condom; make clean; sleep
My girlfriend appreciates a good TCL every now and then...
i take it you program in C
--rock me like a huricane? NO rock you
Here's the general breakdown for how languages affect sexual performance:
BASIC - Slow, but good for beginners.
COBOL - Tends to make you rigid.
FORTRAN - Almost nobody does it.
ASSEMBLY - Too short, and too fast for most people.
JAVA - It will cause your Object to be extended.
C - Sometimes you just wanna do it for the helluvit.
C# - Dont worry, it'll clear up in a few weeks.
Korn Shell - Quick and dirty.
Perl - Allows you to do it any way you want, anywhere, anytime!
Cheers,
Bowie J. Poag
The article is sadly biased against the geek culture. I really hope /. refrains in the future from using culturally loaded terminology which no geek will ever have had the opportunity to become familiar. The amount of jargon I had to wade through was simply horrific.
I've put together a few links to help fellow geeks make more sense of the article. Call it a jargon file. Feel free to contribute.
sex
girl
wife
Hope this helps. Try reading the article again now.
Blearf. Blearf, I say.
#!/bin/bash
date ; unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; finger ; uptime ; head ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; nice ; sleep; expect; fork
#Sexy programming with words like that
---- The geek shall inherit the Earth.
Oh my god. If you aren't interested in sex, don't try it at home.
Its the 1st of April, time to laugh. You know how to laugh, do you?
Java
+ Sex is the same no matter who the partner is
- Sex is the same no matter who the partner is
+ Never have to explicitly clean up/no wet spot
- Automatic cleanup can occur at the most inopertune times
+ Easy to get decent sex without years of practice
- Have to go outside your "protective layer" if you want to get down and dirty
+ Quick foreplay, slow execution
- Slow execution, though with underwhelming performance
Ask Slashdot: Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Preference?
I thought it was going to turn reeeaaal ugly.
dominionrd.blogspot.com - Restaurants on
Int er face.
The biggest trick the devil pulled was letting lawyers become politicians so they can write the laws.
That's better than the cum-pile joke I was about to make...
"Derp de derp."
Can the marketing department at Sun stoop any lower?
Actually, I think of girls as 3 port routers*. And I like to use the full bandwidth on all ports.
* You have to be Australian to fully get this pun.
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Ideally, you would use a purely functional language to take care of business. However, when you really get down to the heart of things, there it really can't be done. No matter what you try, there are always side effects. No amount of protection is 100% guaranteed.
For this reason, I have to advocate loyalty to your API. Take your time, get to know a few, but don't do the deed until you are ready to commit. Otherwise, the rest of your life will be utterly confusing -- the side effects of previous programmer-OS releationships will come back to haunt you.
You have been warned!
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Everyone knows that it's 6809 assembly language programmers who have SEX.
If you can get full bandwidth into one, constantly, then the other can be taken offline for servicing (cleaning out, diagnostics, supervised self-test, etc...).
If you've broadcast all your data, you can just lie back and watch them synchronise. Most satisfying. :)
Ali
"Windows and Linux can co-exist on the same machine." - Microsoft Corporation.
You're correct. The reason Australians say "rowter" is that it's not really possible to pronounce it "rooter" in polite company. They may as well have called it a "fucker". So we call it as the Armericans do. Of course, the pun still works, it's just a little more hidden.
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Besides this kindof humour is basically immature teenage male "I'm a virgin and really want to find anyone remotely female to shag" humour
Oh.... my... God... How do you know so much about us? You must be a CIA agent monitoring us, you are the Indymedia spy... We've found you agent 17, you've blown your cover, your licence to kill is revoked.
A caveman dreams of being us, the incalculable power and riches. We dream of being Q, then what?
My wife believes in Object Oriented sex. She objects every time I bring it up.
---
Copyright © 2002 me
- AlanH
I've never gotten as much head() and tail() as when I program in Lisp or SML. You procedural guys just don't understand the give and take: sometimes you get the head, other times you have to eat the tail. Some people say Lisp and SML are too strict. If you're just looking for a good time, I'd recommend Miranda...
Give them an inch and they'll take a foot. Much more than that, you won't have a leg to stand on.
Gee, I guess I shouldn't wear my "Got Root?" tshirt when I go down there, eh?
.
As for me, I tried a lot of continuations after leaving college, but grew disenchanted because you could never be sure if they were GC'ed or if you would be interrupted at an inopportune time....