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Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Performance?
bLanark
asks: "I've used a variety of programming languanges over the years, but recently started using Java commercially (as opposed to just playing at home). As soon as I was on that Java project, I became a rampant stallion, never left my wife alone, sexually. She even started sleeping in the spare room just to get some rest on some nights! Soon, I was back on C++ (due to a budget cut and re-org). I am no longer a stallion (I won't go into more details!). My theory is that java's so easy, so after conquering an API a day (JDOM, Swing,...) I just came home and carried on conquering. Now, I have to work for a living again, and it doesn't leave much energy. Do other slashdotters have similar experience? Is lisp tantric? Do assembler programmers favour wham-bam-that's-the-end-of-that-non-maskable-inter rupt-where's-the-remote-control-honey-can-you-get- me-a-beer? What's the best programming language for attracting sexual partners? What about Operating Systems? Does MS == S&M?" Does C/C++ dampen your love life? Does Perl please your partner? Can you jive with Java? Inquiring minds want to know.
Perl makes you hung like a camel.
/. today?
How many more of these idiotic April 1 jokes do we need to wade through?
Would it make sense to simply forego
I hate to tell you this, but I have a bad feeling that the stories we are going to see that are absolutely wretched or dizzyingly stupid are all real submissions over the past month or so. I'm pretty sure they did this a year or two ago. It kinda almost makes you pity them for having to wade through the submission box.
--
Evan
"$30 for the One True Ring. $10 each additional ring!" -- JRR "Bob" Tolkien
I personally like socket programming...
Sig: What Happened To The Censorware Project (censorware.org)
What's that? Is it something to with girls? Eeeww!
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We make smalltalk and Smaltalk makes us.
MSBPodcast.com The opinions expressed here are my own. If you don't like 'em... Think up your own stuff.
you're asking slashdot readers about their sex life? *chuckles*
sig - .
Didn't have any problems with my sex life being affected by my programming until, while in college, I learned about recursion. Everything went fine until the bed ran out of stack space and it all fell over.
I figured it was a pointer problem, and it took a while to get it all worked out, but now it's kinda fun.
Everything went fine till my junior year and I started in on concurrent processing. Now I can't tell if it's a hardware limitation that's keeping me from performing more than 4 operations simultaneously, or if it's a problem with the OS...
Most likely that problem is in my firmware. Probably something is flashing my firmware and causing me to reboot.
Maybe during grad school we'll learn about distributed computing....Then I'll need a bigger bed! But I hear it's hard to keep all the process communication under control, because the ports are so busy....
I said to her, sweety - I feel like im less of a man. I do not understand programing. I can not write Perl even. She told me it was okay... she still loved me anyways
The ultimate network admin tool needs HELP!
... she wanna Perl Necklace ...
Anybody want a peanut?
only brings.
ASP
Average Sexual Performance
.NET
.Never Enough Titties
...but spending too much time working in VisualBasic seems to make me BSOD more often. Sometimes I can't even get it to boot up!
;) )
;-)
(Sorry, couldn't resist...
DennyK
chicks dig long pointers...nuff said
"Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos!"
With a little luck I can get loaded and fulfil my commands ANYWHERE! My Girlfriend doesn't like all this objectification, she wants a functional relationship, but I tell her everyone is doing it now.
She's really just insecure because she knows my last girlfriend was into BSD. I've tried to give her some pointers on her bad memory and tell her thats just not the garbage she should be collecting.
It's not about extensibility -- it's about functionality.
"You're never ready, just less unprepared."
Fortunately the Java sandbox makes the sex API's perfectly safe. It explicitly blocks execution of the getPregnant() method of the Woman class which is a definite plus. It's this sort of well thought out architecture that really puts Java light years ahead of Microsoft's initatives, despite Microsoft's long history of screwing people.
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Perhaps a direct correlation can be made between speed of compiled code and sex life. Maybe after Java you need some sp33d/action to liven up your life. Perhaps C++ is such a harsh mistress that you can't handle anymore.
Myself, I'd like to test that theory with any available test subjects. Please, it's for Science.
internet like monkeys'
sex is probably updatedb; locate blonde; talk; date; cd; strip; look; touch; finger; unzip; uptime; gawk; apt-get install condom; mount; fsck; gasp; more; yes; yes; yes; more; umount; apt-get remove --purge condom; make clean; sleep
While y'all are fooling around with java...
I went the original root. I've been playing with self.
J/K. We al know that functional language users are so well hung that sometimes they have to use a lisp.
i take it you program in C
--rock me like a huricane? NO rock you
Here's the general breakdown for how languages affect sexual performance:
BASIC - Slow, but good for beginners.
COBOL - Tends to make you rigid.
FORTRAN - Almost nobody does it.
ASSEMBLY - Too short, and too fast for most people.
JAVA - It will cause your Object to be extended.
C - Sometimes you just wanna do it for the helluvit.
C# - Dont worry, it'll clear up in a few weeks.
Korn Shell - Quick and dirty.
Perl - Allows you to do it any way you want, anywhere, anytime!
Cheers,
Bowie J. Poag
has something to say on this matter:
bondage-and-discipline language n.
deus does not exist but if he does
The article is sadly biased against the geek culture. I really hope /. refrains in the future from using culturally loaded terminology which no geek will ever have had the opportunity to become familiar. The amount of jargon I had to wade through was simply horrific.
I've put together a few links to help fellow geeks make more sense of the article. Call it a jargon file. Feel free to contribute.
sex
girl
wife
Hope this helps. Try reading the article again now.
Blearf. Blearf, I say.
#!/bin/bash
date ; unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; finger ; uptime ; head ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; nice ; sleep; expect; fork
#Sexy programming with words like that
---- The geek shall inherit the Earth.
Oh my god. If you aren't interested in sex, don't try it at home.
Its the 1st of April, time to laugh. You know how to laugh, do you?
Java
+ Sex is the same no matter who the partner is
- Sex is the same no matter who the partner is
+ Never have to explicitly clean up/no wet spot
- Automatic cleanup can occur at the most inopertune times
+ Easy to get decent sex without years of practice
- Have to go outside your "protective layer" if you want to get down and dirty
+ Quick foreplay, slow execution
- Slow execution, though with underwhelming performance
Could have been worse. She could have asked for Penguins with socks on them. ;)
I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate.
Ask Slashdot: Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Preference?
I thought it was going to turn reeeaaal ugly.
dominionrd.blogspot.com - Restaurants on
Since when is merely talking about sex sexist? I don't see what specifically would offend you, as a woman, in the article. If you're simply offended by the mere mention of sex in a humerous context, then I suggest you grow up.
main(c,r){for(r=32;r;) printf(++c>31?c=!r--,"\n":c<r?" ":~c&r?" `":" #");}
Int er face.
The biggest trick the devil pulled was letting lawyers become politicians so they can write the laws.
That's better than the cum-pile joke I was about to make...
"Derp de derp."
Can the marketing department at Sun stoop any lower?
The boasting about how well he shagged his wife isn't sexist? This kind of talk does offend girls. I mean would you feel uncomfortable if gay males started cracking jokes about how good a shag this guy was, or this guy wasn't at the watercooler at work? What if girls start talking about two hot guys they saw kissing and how sexy this was in front of all of their male coworkers? Or start talking about how this guy they went out with who you know has such a small penis and can't take it. The standard you have to apply is, if you turned the tables around, would you feel uncomfortable? This is basically the whole thing about the remark that if males could get pregnant, abortion would be a constitutional right. Males hardly ever have to bear the brunt of such behaviour and so have no idea about what is offensive and what is not offensive. I find it significant that all the people writing back saying it is "nothing" are all guys who have most likely *never* had to endure such remarks about their gender before. It is *not* the sex I find offensive but rather the crass immature toilet humour way it is presented and the remarks about being a "stallion" and fucking his wife senseless (yes, I am aware it is a joke). However I agree that one cannot be too fussy. So whilst such talk is not appropriate say around a water cooler at work, it may be say at a pub having a drink with the boys. Which is what I am saying here. The frontpage of the most widely read computer news site is not the appropriate place to put such "humour". The fact that the editors and most of the (male) audience seem to think so is a sign of how deeply entrenced the problems are in the IT industry. I mean take for example, as soon as I complain, the boys here all assume it is the sex when I am not complaining about the fact that it is about sex but the appropriateness of this type of toilet humour in this forum. "Oh, she is a typical female bitch, who can't stand the talk of sex." That in itself is also sexist behaviour. I wonder what type of remark they make if a girl gets sexually harassed at work?
Actually, I think of girls as 3 port routers*. And I like to use the full bandwidth on all ports.
* You have to be Australian to fully get this pun.
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Everyone knows that it's 6809 assembly language programmers who have SEX.
If you can get full bandwidth into one, constantly, then the other can be taken offline for servicing (cleaning out, diagnostics, supervised self-test, etc...).
If you've broadcast all your data, you can just lie back and watch them synchronise. Most satisfying. :)
Ali
"Windows and Linux can co-exist on the same machine." - Microsoft Corporation.
You're correct. The reason Australians say "rowter" is that it's not really possible to pronounce it "rooter" in polite company. They may as well have called it a "fucker". So we call it as the Armericans do. Of course, the pun still works, it's just a little more hidden.
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Could be worse... his friend could be having sex with the gf... ;)
Small potatoes make the steak look bigger.
Could have been worse... the gf could be having sex with the pengu... uhm, never mind.
You know, Microsoft's street address also says a lot about their mentality.
Bing! Your wish is granted. I'm a girl. There's nothing wrong with sex. There's nothing wrong with talking about sex. There's nothing engendered about the activity either. Sex is something that should be fun for both men and women. It seems to me that the more sexist attitude is that women don't/shouldn't discuss sex.
Read Bujold. Free (as in
My wife believes in Object Oriented sex. She objects every time I bring it up.
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Copyright © 2002 me
- AlanH
I think the quality of your sex life depends more on the interfaces you choose to use than the language you choose to use.
Software sucks. Open Source sucks less.
...are probably so complex and obfuscated that their partners are so confused they don't know where to begin, much less what to actually do. Without written instructions, that is. :)
Jake
Dating: while( 1 ){ call_girl(); get_rejected(); drink_40(); } return 0;
As for me, I tried a lot of continuations after leaving college, but grew disenchanted because you could never be sure if they were GC'ed or if you would be interrupted at an inopportune time....