Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Performance?

bLanark asks: "I've used a variety of programming languanges over the years, but recently started using Java commercially (as opposed to just playing at home). As soon as I was on that Java project, I became a rampant stallion, never left my wife alone, sexually. She even started sleeping in the spare room just to get some rest on some nights! Soon, I was back on C++ (due to a budget cut and re-org). I am no longer a stallion (I won't go into more details!). My theory is that java's so easy, so after conquering an API a day (JDOM, Swing,...) I just came home and carried on conquering. Now, I have to work for a living again, and it doesn't leave much energy. Do other slashdotters have similar experience? Is lisp tantric? Do assembler programmers favour wham-bam-that's-the-end-of-that-non-maskable-inter rupt-where's-the-remote-control-honey-can-you-get- me-a-beer? What's the best programming language for attracting sexual partners? What about Operating Systems? Does MS == S&M?" Does C/C++ dampen your love life? Does Perl please your partner? Can you jive with Java? Inquiring minds want to know.

Comments

I just like testing...

[mrpuffypants]

my input/output operators occasionally ;)

PHP . . .

[Selanit]

Well, in some circles PHP stands for "Push Harder, Please!"

Everyone knows that Perl

[Dancin_Santa]

Perl makes you hung like a camel.

How many more of these idiotic April 1 jokes do we need to wade through?

Would it make sense to simply forego /. today?

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[Emperor Cezar]

If that is true then using Linux would make you be hung like a Pengiun, and I know I'm not hung like a Penguin. :p

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[dimator]

So what does Python do for you? ;)

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[Spy Hunter]

Personally, I think Unix shell programming has perl/python/java/C++ all beat. Just look at the following chain of Unix commands:

unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep

(note: I didn't make this up, so don't blame me! I think early UNIX geeks had extremely dirty subconscious thoughts...)

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[Anonymous Coward]

When I went to college, there was a girl named Teresa Watt who had an account on the RS/6000. My buddy Rob had tears in his eyes when he showed me that you can actually "finger twatt".

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[WhiteKnight07]

If your looking for a good April fools joke check this one out.

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[Peyna]

I don't think penguins are hung at all, since they're birds.

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[EvlG]

Perl makes you hung like a camel.

Actually that is quite close to being true in my case. Now, I love my fiance, but she and I both know that Perl is my second love. I will always have this holy fascination for Perl, and it will always hold a special place in my heart (or head).

I have been known to be excited by Perl from time to time....I figure it just goes with the territory of loving something so much.

Fortunately my fiance never minds :)

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[Mignon]

Where I work, we have a program called "MASK", which takes as a single argument the name of some other program, which it looks up in a database. If it can't find that other program in the database, it prints the following diagnostic: "SEVERE ERROR: CANNOT GET " followed by the program name.

So my little joke is to get other programmers to type "MASK LAID".

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[Palarran]

Sophmoric, but a logical extension...

After fingering twatt, she'll tell you what her .plan is for the evening?

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[kstumpf]

Yesterday a guy at work asked me how to setup his Linux box for DHCP. I really hated having to tell him to type "man pump".

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[MadCamel]

A camel eh? Hmm.

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[Black Perl]

I rewrote it in perl:

for ($r=-1; $r!=38; $c++){print"\n"," "x(38-$r+++($c=0)) if ($c>$r); print ~$r&$c?" `":" #";}

Does that help you understand it?

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[brarrr]

where i go to school they take the first letter of the first name and the first 7 letters of the last name to make user accts. simple? ashley baldassi has a most excellent email address.

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[Spy Hunter]

I learned about this in discrete math, where we had an extra credit assignment to come up with a program to print the pattern of odd numbers in pascal's triangle (which forms the pattern printed by the program, which resembles the Sirpinski triangle fractal). Pascal's triangle goes like this:

``````````1```````````
````````1```1`````````
``````1```2```1```````
````1```3```3```1`````
``1```4```6```4```1```
1```5``10``10``5```1``

It continues on down. Each number is the sum of the two numbers above it, and the sides are simply made of ones.

To find if the Kth number in row N of pascal's triangle is odd, you use the fact that this number is equal to "N choose K" (N choose K being the number of size K subsets of a size N set). To find out whether N choose K is odd, you can (for complicated reasons I don't remember at the moment) look at the binary representation of N and K (which is very convenient for computers!). Putting the binary representation of N vertically over the binary representation of K like so:

10011010 <- N
01101001 <- K

You can tell if N choose K is going to be odd by checking to see if any zeros in N are above any ones in K. If there are, N choose K will be even, otherwise it will be odd. The C expression (~N&K) therefore will be nonzero (true) if N choose K is even, and zero (false) if N choose K is odd. This gives an easy and fast way to compute the even- or odd-ness of a number in any location in Pascal's triangle. That's how the math works for this little hack.

I actually have an even smaller (106 characters) version of this code in C++, but due to funny sig size limits it won't fit in the slashdot sig box (too many <> signs).

for(int r=-1,c=0;r<65;c++){if(c>r){r++; cout<<endl;for(c=65;c<r;c--)cout<<' ';c=0;}cout<<(~r&c?" `":" #");}

And before you start thinking that I'm a genius or something, I didn't come up with that way of discovering the even- or odd-ness of numbers in Pascal's triangle (I wish I was a math wiz like that :-). It was showed to us in class. I only made the implementation.

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[Balinares]

Well... Snakes DO have two penises... =)

Re:OMG, ANOTHER APRIL 1 JOKE?

[JabberWokky]

How many pathetic see-thru attempts at an April Fool joke are we going to see today?

I hate to tell you this, but I have a bad feeling that the stories we are going to see that are absolutely wretched or dizzyingly stupid are all real submissions over the past month or so. I'm pretty sure they did this a year or two ago. It kinda almost makes you pity them for having to wade through the submission box.

--
Evan

sockets

[upt1me]

I personally like socket programming...

Perl philosophy: "There's more than one way ..."

[Seth Finkelstein]

From the a Perl glossary:

TMTOWTDI
There's More Than One Way To Do It - a major philosophy in the design of Perl. ...

Sig: What Happened To The Censorware Project (censorware.org)

Sexual Performance?

[darkov]

What's that? Is it something to with girls? Eeeww!

Re:Sexual Performance?

[NanoGator]

You dont HAVE to have a girl there to have sexual performance. Some buys prefer Visual Basic because a good deal of it is mouse driven. That means they have a hand free. I bet those guys have improved sexual performance then!

Smalltalkers are the best lovers.

[crovira]

We make smalltalk and Smaltalk makes us.

Penguin Socks

[Krezel]

One of my friend bought my gf socks with PENGUINS on them because she thought it would spice up our sex life...

She wears them all the time, and we have a lot of sex, so I guess it works!

Re:Penguin Socks

[daeley]

Could have been worse. She could have asked for Penguins with socks on them. ;)

Re:Penguin Socks

[The-Bus]

Could be worse... his friend could be having sex with the gf... ;)

Re:Penguin Socks

[jonasj]

Could have been worse... the gf could be having sex with the pengu... uhm, never mind.

Preferences

[justletmeinnow]

Well, after a long day at tongue++ I like to come home and give her my Perl...

(leave me alone, I'm tired...)

wait wait wait

[Profe55or Booty]

you're asking slashdot readers about their sex life? *chuckles*

Re:wait wait wait

[Anonymous Coward]

The sad this is you could generalise the question to
"you're asking slashdot readers?"
and still be chuckling.

Problems I've had

[Etrigan_696]

Didn't have any problems with my sex life being affected by my programming until, while in college, I learned about recursion. Everything went fine until the bed ran out of stack space and it all fell over.
I figured it was a pointer problem, and it took a while to get it all worked out, but now it's kinda fun.

Everything went fine till my junior year and I started in on concurrent processing. Now I can't tell if it's a hardware limitation that's keeping me from performing more than 4 operations simultaneously, or if it's a problem with the OS...
Most likely that problem is in my firmware. Probably something is flashing my firmware and causing me to reboot.

Maybe during grad school we'll learn about distributed computing....Then I'll need a bigger bed! But I hear it's hard to keep all the process communication under control, because the ports are so busy....

i asked my GF

[rosewood]

I said to her, sweety - I feel like im less of a man. I do not understand programing. I can not write Perl even. She told me it was okay... she still loved me anyways

Once Again ZZTop Has Wisdom To Share

[FrankDrebin]

... she wanna Perl Necklace ...

Re:Once Again ZZTop Has Wisdom To Share

[fooguy]

I'll let me .sig be my comment on this.

Re:wrong section! :)

[ThatComputerGuy]

Nothing is in the wrong section on April Fools' Day, fool.

YHBF. YHL. HANAFD.

ASP & .NET ?

[sh0rtie]

only brings.

ASP
Average Sexual Performance

.NET
.Never Enough Titties

Re:I use Commodore Basic 2.0

[danielrose]

but what is:

POKE 53280,0
POKE 53281,0

?? The true test!

Don't know about you...

[DennyK]

...but spending too much time working in VisualBasic seems to make me BSOD more often. Sometimes I can't even get it to boot up!

;-)

(Sorry, couldn't resist... ;) )

DennyK

Re:Hello

[doooras]

i don't know about him, but my girlfriend lately IS my computer. her name is Penty. she loves me. she always tells me that she wants me to ugrade my "hard drive" though.

brainfuck

[Daltorak]

Feeling masochstic? Try the Brainfuck language. It's every bit as good as it sounds.

Re:Dear Slashdot

[XBL]

What is your password? The trolls will make good use of your +1 status.

It's all about 64 bit C programming...

[curunir]

chicks dig long pointers...nuff said

Re:It's all about 64 bit C programming...

[daeley]

As the old saying goes, it's not how big your hard drive is, it's how much RAM you have. ;-)

Java made me a Virtual Machine

[Bo Vandenberg]

With a little luck I can get loaded and fulfil my commands ANYWHERE! My Girlfriend doesn't like all this objectification, she wants a functional relationship, but I tell her everyone is doing it now.

She's really just insecure because she knows my last girlfriend was into BSD. I've tried to give her some pointers on her bad memory and tell her thats just not the garbage she should be collecting.

The most important Lesson of the Day

[parliboy]

It's not about extensibility -- it's about functionality.

import javax.sex.*;

[sterno]

See the thing is that Sun, being the wise company it is has taken java to a new level by adding the JSAPI (Java Sex API). Some of the new packages include:

• javax.sex.bondage
  
• javax.sex.beastiality
  
• javax.sex.toys
  
• javax.sex.masturbation
  

Fortunately the Java sandbox makes the sex API's perfectly safe. It explicitly blocks execution of the getPregnant() method of the Woman class which is a definite plus. It's this sort of well thought out architecture that really puts Java light years ahead of Microsoft's initatives, despite Microsoft's long history of screwing people.

Re:import javax.sex.*;

[burtonator]

you joke...

but there already is a JSAPI

Re:import javax.sex.*;

[Tackhead]

> See the thing is that Sun, being the wise company it is has taken java to a new level by adding the JSAPI (Java Sex API). Some of the new packages include:
>
>javax.sex.bondage
>javax.sex.[...]

Java? Pshaw! We had that during the golden age of USENET, and didn't need no steenking packages!

The obvious:

• alt.sex.bondage.sco.unix
• alt.sex.bondage.female-admins.nntp
• alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics
• alt.sex.bestiality.barney
• alt.sex.bestiality.hamster.duct-tape
• alt.sex.sheep.baaa.baa.baa.moo

Because some old servers evidently couldn't just mdir "foo/bar/baz", they had to "mkdir foo", "cd foo; foo/bar", and "cd bar; mkdir baz" when creating a directory from a news spool, countless freshmen started their USENET careers being asked if they wanted to subscribe to...

• alt.sex
• alt.sex.aluminum
• alt.sex.aluminum.baseball
• alt.sex.aluminum.baseball.bat

My faves were from earlier censorship efforts. (IIRC, some of these were originally used when university administrators cut off alt.sex - the affected people posted to alt.sex.[subgroup] and crossposted to alt.sex to get propagation.)

• alt.sex.fetish.cost.benefit.analysis
• alt.sex.fetish.head-librarian
• alt.sex.prevost-derbecker
• alt.sex.senator-exon
• alt.sex.unnatural-acts.jesse-helms

There's a lot of history in a list of old newsgroups. (Ah, the series of newsgroups containing strings of dashes and asterisks to spell a message in ASCII-art in your .newsrc - now that was genius. Sick, twisted genius, but genius nonetheless...)

Re:import javax.sex.*;

[passion]

So... this is how they implement those embedded internet enabled applications for tele-dildonics.

Re:import javax.sex.*;

[curunir]

There's also the competing JXXXAPI which does things a bit differently.

- everything is combined into javax.xxx. Extremely large packages are in keeping with the JXXXAPI philosophy.
- In every class, everything is declared to be public (lots of exposed members). This does have an impact on security as it increases the chance of transmitting a virus.
- All socket code is multi-threaded. This allows programs to use multiple sockets concurrently.
- SNMP integration. All JXXXAPI programs are designed to be monitored closely.
- Includes some music support. So far, it's only midi-like music with a few basic voices and a couple of drum loops. This is scheduled to be upgraded when demand warrants.

to quote Johnny 5

[oo7tushar]

nice software

Perhaps a direct correlation can be made between speed of compiled code and sex life. Maybe after Java you need some sp33d/action to liven up your life. Perhaps C++ is such a harsh mistress that you can't handle anymore.

Myself, I'd like to test that theory with any available test subjects. Please, it's for Science.

Sex according to apt

[jordancapps]

sex is probably updatedb; locate blonde; talk; date; cd; strip; look; touch; finger; unzip; uptime; gawk; apt-get install condom; mount; fsck; gasp; more; yes; yes; yes; more; umount; apt-get remove --purge condom; make clean; sleep

Re:Sex according to apt

[kaiidth]

You'd get more variety if you went out first:

cd /pub; find /pub -iname 'blonde'

And you might get more results if you tried the old T-shirt trick

cd /pub; more beer; find /pub -iname '*blonde*'

You can probably ignore the 'talk' command in this case - it won't increase your chances after all that beer.

Re:Sex according to apt

[Tackhead]

> sex is probably updatedb; locate blonde; talk; date; cd; strip; look; touch; finger; unzip; uptime; gawk; apt-get install condom; mount; fsck; gasp; more; yes; yes; yes; more; umount; apt-get remove --purge condom; make clean; sleep

Hey, whatever floats your boat is OK for you, but I'll skip the "cd" step. I'm only targeting one platform and not into the cross-compiler scene ;-)

Re:Sex according to apt

[Cadre]

ObMandrake Joke

I-was-piss-ass-drunk-and-i-could-not-see-straigh t- i386.rpm

And if it was Mandrake they'd also have:
I-was-piss-ass-drunk-and-i-could-not-see-straight- devel-i386.rpm

Move along now, nothing to see here...

Losers.

[bentini]

While y'all are fooling around with java...
I went the original root. I've been playing with self.
J/K. We al know that functional language users are so well hung that sometimes they have to use a lisp.

Real programmers

[popeyethesailor]

do it on the bare er.. metal :)

Re:OMG, ANOTHER APRIL 1 JOKE?

[CRAssEsT]

i take it you program in C

Actually, I wrote my thesis on this.

[Bowie J. Poag]

Here's the general breakdown for how languages affect sexual performance:

BASIC - Slow, but good for beginners.
COBOL - Tends to make you rigid.
FORTRAN - Almost nobody does it.
ASSEMBLY - Too short, and too fast for most people.
JAVA - It will cause your Object to be extended.
C - Sometimes you just wanna do it for the helluvit.
C# - Dont worry, it'll clear up in a few weeks.
Korn Shell - Quick and dirty.
Perl - Allows you to do it any way you want, anywhere, anytime!

Cheers,

The Jargon File...

[kubrick]

has something to say on this matter:

bondage-and-discipline language n.

Technical Matters (Shame on you /. )

[MadFarmAnimalz]

The article is sadly biased against the geek culture. I really hope /. refrains in the future from using culturally loaded terminology which no geek will ever have had the opportunity to become familiar. The amount of jargon I had to wade through was simply horrific.

I've put together a few links to help fellow geeks make more sense of the article. Call it a jargon file. Feel free to contribute.

sex

girl

wife

Hope this helps. Try reading the article again now.

Re:Technical Matters (Shame on you /. )

[Draoi]

There's an entry for 'sex' in the Jargon File; http://tuxedo.org/jargon/html/entry/SEX.html

SEX /seks/ [Sun Users' Group & elsewhere] n. 1. Software EXchange. A technique invented by the blue-green algae hundreds of millions of years ago to speed up their evolution, which had been terribly slow up until then. Today, SEX parties are popular among hackers and others (of course, these are no longer limited to exchanges of genetic software). In general, SEX parties are a Good Thing, but unprotected SEX can propagate a virus.

And so on ..... :)

I could be wrong...

[MSG]

I don't know for certain, but the fact that I program in a dozen languages probably explains my polyamory.

Shell Programming

[CaptCanuk]

#!/bin/bash
date ; unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; finger ; uptime ; head ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; nice ; sleep; expect; fork

#Sexy programming with words like that

Re:Really lame

[kju]

Oh my god. If you aren't interested in sex, don't try it at home.

Its the 1st of April, time to laugh. You know how to laugh, do you?

Languages of Love

[binaryDigit]

Java
+ Sex is the same no matter who the partner is
- Sex is the same no matter who the partner is

+ Never have to explicitly clean up/no wet spot
- Automatic cleanup can occur at the most inopertune times

+ Easy to get decent sex without years of practice
- Have to go outside your "protective layer" if you want to get down and dirty

+ Quick foreplay, slow execution
- Slow execution, though with underwhelming performance

Re:Languages of Love

[Glock27]

+ Quick foreplay, slow execution
- Slow execution, though with underwhelming performance

You need a virtual machine upgrade to JDK 1.4. Then you'll be able to make many more connections per second(!), and will possess nearly the same performance and stamina as the legendary FORTRAN and C.

Hell, I can't believe some of the pornos those two made together... And with Java you'll be much, much bigger!

Oh my, I misread the title

[LadyLucky]

as

Ask Slashdot: Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Preference?

I thought it was going to turn reeeaaal ugly.

Re:Oh my, I misread the title

[Linux_ho]

Actually, that's why the religious right have been pushing to remove LISP from the CS curriculum of public universities.

My take on it..

[MAXOMENOS]

I also find myself having sex more often when coding Java for a living. That's primarily because Java leaves me rather ... unsatisfied. OTOH, C++ is better than sex, once you get everything working just right.

Perl is great for quickies. Python is great for quickies where you don't want to experiment too much. OCaml is great for fetishists. FORTH is perfect for masochists. And of course, then there's playing with LaTeX. Pity the poor Visual Basic programmer .. that's got to be like masturbating in the shower.

Maybe we geeks should be happy just to make it at all.

Re:My take on it..

[Tackhead]

> I also find myself having sex more often when coding Java for a living. That's primarily because Java leaves me rather ... unsatisfied. OTOH, C++ is better than sex, once you get everything working just right.
>
> Perl is great for quickies. Python is great for quickies where you don't want to experiment too much. OCaml is great for fetishists. FORTH is perfect for masochists. And of course, then there's playing with LaTeX. Pity the poor Visual Basic programmer .. that's got to be like masturbating in the shower.
>
>Maybe we geeks should be happy just to make it at all.

Only one thing to add - you forgot one language: APL is for those 16-orificed critters from Proxima Centauri ;-)

So slashdot has surrendered.

[blair1q]

And now the trolls are posting stories.

--Blair

Re:So slashdot has surrendered.

[YellowBook]

And now the trolls are posting stories.

Ah, so Slashdot has finally caught up with Kuro5hin, then.

Easily offended

[Spy Hunter]

Since when is merely talking about sex sexist? I don't see what specifically would offend you, as a woman, in the article. If you're simply offended by the mere mention of sex in a humerous context, then I suggest you grow up.

Re:Easily offended

[brendano]

No, it's the immature obsession with sex so prevalent among male, adolescent-minded geeky community that's offensive. Only an overwhelmingly male subculture will be so disgusting across the board. While making dirty sex jokes isn't always bad, the fact that EVERYONE here is making them, and laughing at them (all +5 funny), the environment becomes intimidating and hostile towards women. The all-male reinforces the sexism of the computer science world.

Re:Easily offended

[DarkProphet]

Oh pish-posh! Let's see a show of hands, who here is between 18 and 46? Uh, huh. Mostly legal adults, I'd guess. The 'male, adolescent-minded geeky comminity' has no more a immature obsession with sex than any other demographic. You find this everywhere, not just in the geek subculture, as it were.

Besides, being a geek certainly has nothing to do with the fact that I often crack sexually-related jokes. I'd guess it has more to do with the fact that I'm a 20 year old male, and the testosterone still flows in full force.

I'd also like to point out that acknowledging and providing a reaction for this type of 'sexism' only compounds the percieved problem and contributes to a truly intimidating and hostile environment, for men and women alike.

When I am bullshitting with my buddies about my nympho ex-girlfriend and all the freaky shit she wanted to do, I sure as hell don't need anyone (male or female) telling me that I am offending them. If you don't like it, ignore it, or if you're up to the challenge, do one better than me.

Over-generalizing the 'geek community' is just as offensive as any sexist statement I could make. Most sexism is taken as such, but generalizations often get mistaken for truth.

One word

[SkewlD00d]

Int er face.

Oh great..

[NanoGator]

.. now we're going to hear a bunch of people claiming to have sex on a regular basis.

Listen: No matter how many times you've done it, you have to have had a PARTNER to claim you're an expert on it, k?

Re:Oh great..

[NanoGator]

Thanks for proving my point.

Re:Note to posters: Not April 1 everywhere yet

[NanoGator]

"Not all of us are on the east coast.. d'oh! :)"

You're trying REAL hard to get karma points arentcha. Anybody wanna mod this guy down as 'Obvious' or even better 'duh!'?

Doh, your pun's better than mine.

[NanoGator]

That's better than the cum-pile joke I was about to make...

If size mattered...

[Suburban nmate]

When it comes to software, if size really mattered, Microsoft would have a mon... Nevermind. :)

Well this one had to be done sooner or later. Apologies if it's already been done, gf kept me up all night. (sex, and cos I can't sleep with only half a duvet.)

Sheesh!

[Anonymous Coward]

Can the marketing department at Sun stoop any lower?

Re:So...

[quigonn]

Sorry, s/to/to say/

It is *not* the sex that is the problem

[Anthy]

The boasting about how well he shagged his wife isn't sexist? This kind of talk does offend girls. I mean would you feel uncomfortable if gay males started cracking jokes about how good a shag this guy was, or this guy wasn't at the watercooler at work? What if girls start talking about two hot guys they saw kissing and how sexy this was in front of all of their male coworkers? Or start talking about how this guy they went out with who you know has such a small penis and can't take it. The standard you have to apply is, if you turned the tables around, would you feel uncomfortable? This is basically the whole thing about the remark that if males could get pregnant, abortion would be a constitutional right. Males hardly ever have to bear the brunt of such behaviour and so have no idea about what is offensive and what is not offensive. I find it significant that all the people writing back saying it is "nothing" are all guys who have most likely *never* had to endure such remarks about their gender before. It is *not* the sex I find offensive but rather the crass immature toilet humour way it is presented and the remarks about being a "stallion" and fucking his wife senseless (yes, I am aware it is a joke). However I agree that one cannot be too fussy. So whilst such talk is not appropriate say around a water cooler at work, it may be say at a pub having a drink with the boys. Which is what I am saying here. The frontpage of the most widely read computer news site is not the appropriate place to put such "humour". The fact that the editors and most of the (male) audience seem to think so is a sign of how deeply entrenced the problems are in the IT industry. I mean take for example, as soon as I complain, the boys here all assume it is the sex when I am not complaining about the fact that it is about sex but the appropriateness of this type of toilet humour in this forum. "Oh, she is a typical female bitch, who can't stand the talk of sex." That in itself is also sexist behaviour. I wonder what type of remark they make if a girl gets sexually harassed at work?

Re:It is *not* the sex that is the problem

[jonasj]

Males hardly ever have to bear the brunt of such behaviour and so have no idea about what is offensive and what is not offensive.

As a male, I consider that an extremely sexist statement.

Re:It is *not* the sex that is the problem

[Elwood P Dowd]

I mean would you feel uncomfortable if gay males started cracking jokes about how good a shag this guy was, or this guy wasn't at the watercooler at work? What if girls start talking about two hot guys they saw kissing and how sexy this was in front of all of their male coworkers? Or start talking about how this guy they went out with who you know has such a small penis and can't take it.

First of all, none of these things would begin to bother me in the workplace. Yes, I have endured exactly these things. I can see how they might bother other people.

Slashdot is far, far from the workplace. Can you imagine any forum in which you would not be offended by this sort of humor? Taking issue with the forum indicates that you believe *someone* reading here would be offended by the talk of sex. I don't really understand your distinction between being offended by talk of sex and the location of the forum.

Nur. Iduno if I've brought anything worthwhile to this discussion. Does anybody follow me?

Some required reading

[Faux_Pseudo]

If you have emacs installed do the following on the command line
man $(locate condom)
This is one of those things that proves emacs really is a great OS because it can supply all our needs.

Re:Girls

[darkov]

Actually, I think of girls as 3 port routers*. And I like to use the full bandwidth on all ports.

* You have to be Australian to fully get this pun.

Re:Really lame

[MullerMn]

You really need to read the FAQ.
If you think that Slashdot is a respectable news source, good for you, but that's not what it's meant to be. It's a community forum for discussion of things that appeal to us geeks, and while this is simple, inane humour it's also amusing.

Perhaps the fact that you're the only one complaining in this story amidst all the people joining in on the joke should tell you something?

--
Andy

Functional languages?

[cookd]

Ideally, you would use a purely functional language to take care of business. However, when you really get down to the heart of things, there it really can't be done. No matter what you try, there are always side effects. No amount of protection is 100% guaranteed.

For this reason, I have to advocate loyalty to your API. Take your time, get to know a few, but don't do the deed until you are ready to commit. Otherwise, the rest of your life will be utterly confusing -- the side effects of previous programmer-OS releationships will come back to haunt you.

You have been warned!

I do not know about you but...

[sboss]

This is probably one of the famous /. april 1st jokes but it does make sense to a degree. It probably was/is not the languages that he was programming but it was what he was programming. In the C++ world, he was doing the 8-10hrs/day coding where when he was doing the java he was doing 8-10hrs/day of conquring something new. Once he mastered all the APIs and the actual coding becomes a little more standard for him, then the sex drive would go to.

I am far from an expert but I feel much better as a person (happier, energetic, etc) when I get do to things that extend my mind or chanllege me. Doing the "punch-the-clock and work at my desk" crap does nothing for the geek. But trying to get Your linux box to administrer the Win2k/XP boxes without having admin rights (and being able to do it) is more geeker and more interesting to the local geek.

But your opinions may very...

April fools?

[nordicfrost]

Sorry, but this got to be a April fools story...

Re:Really lame

[WildBeast]

1) This is an April fools joke
2) There's a common misconception that girls are as interested by sex as boys
3) Slashdot is simply a source of Linux news for anarchists, open source fanatics and script kiddies.

You're Talking Way Too High-Level...

[jejones]

Everyone knows that it's 6809 assembly language programmers who have SEX.

hehe. its a communication problem

[themusicgod1]

we both know what the other is saying...we just cant say anything appropriate to reply :D are you sure i havnt dated you for 14 months or something? lol j/k. seriously though... i do understand and am unsure how to reply to that.

as for stallion i really dont think that deseverves to be picked on for as being as cliche and lude as it was...it was also some form of a metephor...while not artistic...it is getting there...and banning words is walking on a fine line...

so in other words the idea that his wife is a sex object is the sexist part? notice that he said his "wife"...isnt the entire mairrage thing based around the idea of sex?? if it wasnt would there truly be a 'no sex before mairage' thing in the bible, koran, popular culture, whatever else comes to mind???...honestly...we know they are having sex... we know some days are better than others...what makes this so wrong to talk about it? would it have been different had this been his wife being told that he had stopped working on java and now was back to C and so now she's experiencing 'less' of him in the bed(or shower or whever else for that matter?)?

Part of the problem i think is that i dont actually talk to anyone anymore really that much so that if girls wanted to talk about how sexy those gay guys were i dont think it would even matter. honestly when i used to...they talked like that!!! that was a large portion of the conversations i've been in vacinity of by women were on thoe lines... some of them anyways. others were just as intelligent...
...i mean a few of them used to talk about how sexy those gay guys were (as gay guys are the perfect men...except that you cant have them!)...and it never bothered me. i'm not usually one bothered by any of that...unless i just broke up with someone recently (but you would have said that by now if you have...right?)...but i have not..so it makes no dfference.
i mean it also depended on the girl, some of them were far more englightened than others...but this is in all things

no you are not the "typical female bitch", because no such thing exists...at least to my observations. the entire "cant stand the talk of sex" is not healthy, and i would suggest you look into it... but it is none of my business so that is the end of that.
actually if you want MY opinion i think you are fekin sexy, because anyone with a mind that can stand up to even 250 000 slashdotters including me must be worth something... and its the mind that matters...right???

Re: 2 Girls (from experience)

[Suburban nmate]

Speaking from experience, if one or both routers are unable to handle 100% of your bandwidth, its best to alternate, therefore sharing the load, and leaving both properly saturated, swapping when you recieve an ICMP Source Quench Error.

If you can get full bandwidth into one, constantly, then the other can be taken offline for servicing (cleaning out, diagnostics, supervised self-test, etc...).

If you've broadcast all your data, you can just lie back and watch them synchronise. Most satisfying. :) Ali

side effects of CRT radiation...

[geoswan]

Visual Basic made me IMPOTENT! *sob* On the bright side, thanks to 7+ years of hard CRT radiation, I now have 3 penises!

Did you hear about the guy with five peni?

His undershorts fit him like a glove.

Re:Girls

[darkov]

You're correct. The reason Australians say "rowter" is that it's not really possible to pronounce it "rooter" in polite company. They may as well have called it a "fucker". So we call it as the Armericans do. Of course, the pun still works, it's just a little more hidden.

Common Lisp is the way to go

[Xenophon Fenderson,]

In CLOS, a GF supports multiple methods with fast dispatch times, and you can use them without having to go through the whole bondage-and-discipline routine forced on you by other "high level" programming languages like C++. And don't get me started on "before", "after", and "around" methods or garbage collection. Needless to say, GFs are pretty sweet.

Re:Really lame

[Beliskner]

Besides this kindof humour is basically immature teenage male "I'm a virgin and really want to find anyone remotely female to shag" humour

Oh.... my... God... How do you know so much about us? You must be a CIA agent monitoring us, you are the Indymedia spy... We've found you agent 17, you've blown your cover, your licence to kill is revoked.

PHP, hell yeah...

[ubiquitin]

I program in PHP. I have four children. I've been more productive programming in PHP than any other language. Ask my wife... :)

Master your Python and you're in like Flint

[hillct]

First is pays to master Python. Make sure you own both of these books all about Python. Mastry of Python will lead to long satisfying enguagements where lerge sums of money may trade hands. Your expertise will serve you well in your travels, as lonely women seek out those who can best satisfy them. Remember, Python is not known for speed, but for flexibility and power, so go fourth young Python masters and spread the wealth.



--CTH

PS: And although some are better endowed than others, the longer the Python the better.

Re:Master your Python and you're in like Flint

[Afrosheen]

Nice spelling there champ. If you're a master of python, by proxy does that mean you're the master of your own snake?

DO I GET MORE KARMA....

[El Camino SS]

Do I get more karma when I detect the obvious, hilarious, APRIL FOOLS ARTICLE IN SLASHDOT?

AM I THE FIRST?

GIMME SOME CAAAAANDY!

Punchcards

[Ukab the Great]

Punch card coderse do it real slowly and in as many holes as possible.

Re:Really lame

[Fiver-rah]

I would put more weight in the fact that I'm the only one complaining, if all the people who are saying I shouldn't be complaining weren't guys.

Bing! Your wish is granted. I'm a girl. There's nothing wrong with sex. There's nothing wrong with talking about sex. There's nothing engendered about the activity either. Sex is something that should be fun for both men and women. It seems to me that the more sexist attitude is that women don't/shouldn't discuss sex.

PHP: Techno-Viagra!

[smagruder]

PHP is so easy to setup and use, and simultaneously quite powerful, that I often find myself spent before I can make it to the bedroom! :)

PHP: Helping Developers World-wide Cream Their Shorts.

Re:April Fools Day

[GuNgA-DiN]

You know it beeotch!

OO...

[Anonymous Canadian]

My wife believes in Object Oriented sex. She objects every time I bring it up.

Re:Perl philosophy: "There's more than one way ...

[alanh]

In my experience, it's more accurately written as:

TMTOWTDIW

There's more than one way to do it wrong.

Re: 2 Girls (from experience)

[Random Feature]

You really have to take into account whether they're full or half duplex... A misconfigured port will definitely mess with your bandwidth, so remember, proper configuration before plugging in is important!

And we won't even discuss the possibilities of different sized MTUs black-hole/gray-hole hops.

Perl...

[Tom7]

All I know is that perl programmers tend to be greasy and undershowered.
I don't think that helps much in bed...

Depends on the interfaces.

[booch]

I think the quality of your sex life depends more on the interfaces you choose to use than the language you choose to use.

I'm... fully functional

[Aaaaaargh!]

I've never gotten as much head() and tail() as when I program in Lisp or SML. You procedural guys just don't understand the give and take: sometimes you get the head, other times you have to eat the tail. Some people say Lisp and SML are too strict. If you're just looking for a good time, I'd recommend Miranda...

Re:Really lame

[Soko]

Ummm... did your socks have Penguins on them? ;-)

Soko

Side effects...

[Creepy]

Yeah, it works, but the side effects suck -

I started to stink like a camel and spit like a camel, so I had to give it up to save my marriage.

Only SOME Americans pronounce it that way.

[Ungrounded Lightning]

The reason Australians say "rowter" is that it's not really possible to pronounce it "rooter" in polite company. ... So we call it as the Armericans do.

Actually, that pronounciation is regional, and one of the canonical examples of the techniques of mapping of pronounciations for analysis of prevalance, prevalance change, likely origin, etc. (At least it was a canonical example at the University of Michigan in the late '60s, because the rOOt/rAWte isogloss ran through Ann Arbor at the time.)

I grew up on that isogoloss, and tend to use rOOt for the noun (the path) and rAWte for the verb (to chose the path), and thus the box that performs the operation.

One of the texts on IP by some of the pioneers claims that the two pronounciations are interchangable when it comes to networking gear.

I suspect the rAWte pronounciation appears to be the "American" one because it's prevalent in the part of California where the major IP equipment manufacturers are headquartered. So when you hear an American talking about routers on TV you're probably hearing someone who is working on them in California.

Re:Girls

[DemiKnute]

Gee, I guess I shouldn't wear my "Got Root?" tshirt when I go down there, eh?

C programmers...

[wedg]

...are probably so complex and obfuscated that their partners are so confused they don't know where to begin, much less what to actually do. Without written instructions, that is. :)

Re:Whatever You Do...

[josepha48]

Personally I got turned on this weekend by NetBSD. It was so slick. I installed from a cdrom in a second computer through my ftp login account on my other system. The boot loader just recognized my Windows boot sector and all I had to do was name it. It was soooooo easy, that I actually got turned on to it. The only thing I don't like is that my freebsd machine seems to boot faster, and the freebsd is a p133/32M and the netbsd is a 266/64M. Hell both are faster than windows on either box.

I do think that the 'newness' of Java for a C++ programmer and the ease of moving from C++ to Java would, assuming you like Java when you start using it, make you more excited about your job. Most programmers like to program and the newness of a new language that makes things that you used to do so easy can get you hipped up and excited. NetBSD did that for me and I have been a long term Linux user. Before that I was a windows user. I think it is the whole learning thing and the 'I feel so good cause I learned this so quick'. of course after using Linux for so long BSD and other unies are so easy to move to.

Re:Lighten up, man!

[Chacham]

where's the harm

The status quo is to warn of such things when they are not the norm. Slashdot does not (yet) have such things as the norm.

don't read the offending articles;

Umm.. I didn't know what it was about until I read the title. I didn't actually read the article.

don't waste your precious ad-free page views.

I didn't buy a subscription to view them ad-free. I bought a subscription as a tribute to the great work they have done in the past. It is that tribute that I now somewhat regret.

Trying to force your views of what's appropriate viewing on others,

You don't force views by not showing an article. You force your views by showing it! And you don't force your views by commenting. Which is what I did.

Some Advice

[jcsehak]

so after conquering an API a day (JDOM, Swing,...)

There's the problem. You're all energized from your day at work, and your wife's just been sitting around bored. Try getting her a virtual machine.

It also helps if you have a fast/wide SCSI array. Some girls even like them striped. And the more RAM the better. Try importing Swing packages, but always make sure to examine the package contents first.

Re:Not a particular language but...

[Afrosheen]

Yeah, right. Try that with my wife. She's Thai, and halfway through the technical explanation she'll be flipping channels or talking on the phone.

Some geek victories gotta remain yours. Nobody else gives a rat's ass.

here's why we need better CS schooling...

[denshi]

Didn't have any problems with my sex life being affected by my programming until, while in college, I learned about recursion. Everything went fine until the bed ran out of stack space and it all fell over.

Silly luser! You should be using tail recursion to convert your funcalls to have O(1) space requirements.

As for me, I tried a lot of continuations after leaving college, but grew disenchanted because you could never be sure if they were GC'ed or if you would be interrupted at an inopportune time....

Re:Really lame

[daoine]

Ya know, generally I'm all for standing up for the girlies (being one myself) Equal rights, equal salaries, equal whatever -- rah rah and all that.

But puh-leaze. It's April Fool's Day. It's funny (well, that might be pushing it -- worth a chuckle maybe? -- but it wasn't offensive) Furthermore, for someone who keeps pointing out that she doesn't care about all the "crass sex talk" you're certainly leading an attack.

There's many reasons why women don't go into IT (hours, lack of schedule flexibility, lack of interest, lack of natural light) To blame it all on the merits of Perl over Python as the sexiest language is shortsighted at best.

Besides, I like the geek guys the way they are. They are least likely to get offended when I belch.

Re:Lighten up, man!

[Chacham]

Should Slashdot have had a warning before its first article regarding anime?

Not unless the article had a full description of something considered disgusting.

How about the Columbine shootings?

Certainly off-topic, and possibly disturbing. But not disgusting.

Weapon-related research?

Even the people who created the most devastating weapons seemed to work on it for reasons other than its destructive power. If a story was posted regarding which bomb killed more people, then there might be a complaint.

If not any of those, why is this special?

Because the norm in most publications is not to talk about "adult" related topics without giving fair warning.

More particularly, what leaves you "disgusted"?

The point that Slashdot has come this far with real articles, and now, with that base, it changing its content for the worse. Had these stories been posted originally (on a usual basis), I doubt slashdot would have come this far.

I disagree that merely showing an article forces views -- after all, information which is shown can be ignored by will;

Well, it forces the view that you don't need to *choose* the read this, since you don't know what it is until after you have read it. Simply because it is not known until after reading it what it was. And given the norm is not to have these, one may rely on precedent.

establishing a precedent of modifying content so as to offend no-one.
No precedent by *not* showing it, because noone knows what wasn't shown. Although showing shows a definite precedent of no boundaries.

but I, personally, would consider it a loss.

So, just post it in its own section. Or maybe, they should just add a checkbox to block such stories.

I am not against the stories being posted. Just it being posted with no warning.

It is interesting, however, that I was modded down for flaimbait. I wonder how much pleasure that immature moderator got when clicking "moderate". :-)

Story Headline

[4of12]

...looks a lot like spam I see in my inbox or on usenet.

What's the next headline:

Do Nerds Generate Their Own Viagra?

Re:"is" is for booleans

[Bodrius]

if (w.isPregnant())
{
man.pack();
man.setName("John Smith");
man.setAddress(null);
town.remove(man);
}

Re:Lighten up, man!

[Chacham]

Why is an isolated instance of this "adult" content inherently more offensive than the drawn-out discussions of the Columbine shootings?

I don't like Katz's articles. So, I removed them from being shown. I couldn't do that with this one.

If there were many of these stories,

Actually, a single incident is bad because people do not expect it. Had it been expected, than without a checkbox, people who don't want it would ignore it.

Let's say someone reads the newspaper. In order not to see nude women, he does not read Playboy. Then, in a single isolated incident (in its one-hundred-year history), the paper decides to shown a full nude on the front page. Would you also play that down as an isolated incident? Would you also claim free-speech?

The real problem is a norm. Norms are set, usually unintentionally. People are them "comfortable" with that very norm. Changes from that _especially_ in isolated incidents are highly disturbing. Yes, and even with a *new* norm it first starts off as isolated.

There are certain things that most of the world finds disgusting. Whether logical or not. As a society, people usually let others know whether they comply with that norm (they do not have to) or not. Breaking with that norm, is rather disturbing. Besides the content itself, it sends a message that the owners (authors) can no longer be trusted with associating with a norm.

Re:Lighten up, man!

[Chacham]

Did I claim "free speech" here?

No. My mistake. I equated freedom to do with what is yours with free-speech. You actually explained my mistake with your next statement. Good catch.

As an extension, I can't understand why anyone would be offended

And I can't understand why people force themselves not to be. Same difference.

but I still have yet to see why one should seek to be "trusted" to comply with these norms,

Noone should be forced to be. It's just that trust need be broken only once. Then the people can never be truly trusted again.

If I'm producing content aimed at myself and my peers, I'm not much inclined to comply with norms not accepted within said group.

You are not inclined. But it would be nice to mention that the norm is being broken. And rather understandable at why others believe it to be a bad thing. A person is only worth as much as they can be trusted. Trust being very closely related to reliability.

but that doesn't necessarily mean that those who take offense are right to do so.

Noone is "right" to do anything. But any has the right to do anything (as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else). People have the right to be offended at anything, for anything. And expressing displeasure is reccomended in most cases. In fact saying that people do not have the right to be offended is probably a minor form of oppression.

Re:Intro To Trigonometry

[Black Perl]

Trigonometry? Nah. It's simple binary logic. The key is the part:

printf(~r & c)

This takes the binary inverse (one's complement) of the row number, and performs a logical AND with the column number. When the result is zero (such as when the column number is 0 or when row=column) you get a "#". When the result is non-zero you get a "`". The rest is just spacing trickery to make it look like a pyramid instead of the triangle it really is.