Living the Computer Geek Lifestyle w/ a Significant Other?

Edward Almos asks: "I live with my girlfriend in a small apartment (about 65 sq yards) and over the last six months I've installed a significant amount of computer and network gear. The count at the moment stands at two servers, a firewall, two workstations, an ADSL line and an apartment-wide network with at least two CAT5 points in every room. There's also two laptops and a load of HiFi gear. Last night she finally cracked when I installed a network point in the bathroom and told me that either the connection went or she did. After a romantic evening for two everything is patched up and all is OK but this got me wondering. I can't be the only Slashdotter living with a significant other so how do the rest of you pursuade them that all the cables, cupboards full of servers and sky-high comms costs are really essential to the geek lifestyle. This also ties in nicely with the latest poll, ain't love grand!!"

Comments

Nothing new

[inerte]

Basically every couple had or have this kind of problem. Don't look this as "my geek things", but instead, a relationship as old as the moment people got together. You want something, she doesn't. She wants something, you don't. There are plenty of material about this, so I won't even try to clarify why it's important communication and respect.

Essentially, try to look at this situation with other eyes.

My advice

[dasunt]

Addict her to muds. It worked for me.

Bigger apartment, no bathroom LANs

[Bouncings]

Ok, putting computer equipment in the bathroom? That's out of control. Get over that one, bug guy. Frankly I'm rather amazed she's put up with you as much as she has. What would you do if she were into noisy, heat-creating, ugly (unless you own one of those stylish aluminum cases) things? Does she have a doll collection strung over your shower curtin? Would you put up with a pink flamingo collection in your kitchen?

Get a bigger apartment with an extra room for an office. Now that you're living together, maybe you can afford one. Then, put *ALL* computer equipment in that office -- no exceptions. You have to draw the line somewhere.

If you are living in New York or something and can't offord a larger apartment, I think it's only fair that you get a notebook, ONE computer that sits in a CLOSET, A PDA and a wireless LAN (no cables, dammit). Sorry -- I'm a geek too, but this is what's fair.

Besides, cuddling up in bed watching "couples" porn on your laptop? She might actually like that idea. Just turn off popups.

Re:Bigger apartment, no bathroom LANs

[Benley]

I duno. I'm in much the same situation as the guy in the story, and I seem to be keeping from getting too much flak from the SO with a couple of little mindgames. First, what seems to be oddly important is only having one monitor on my desk. I went for a thoroughly geeky multimonitor setup, and it drove her nuts. Mind you, I do have a fairly large tower system, an Indy, a Sparc 20, and a beige g3 next to the desk (a KVM switch is a miracle) - which brings up another point: one tower system. She got irritated when I had a tower on both sides of the desk for some reason. Whatever, now I only have one. If I really really need two monitors on my desk, out comes my laptop. Next rule: no wires running everywhere. Really. They are hidden behind my desk, and I'm not going to wire the bathroom, for chrissakes. There's an 802.11b access point hidden behind the desk, in case I feel that it's *really that important* to post on slashdot while I'm crapping. Which, by the way, it isn't.

Let's see, what else... oh, the second laptop attached to the stereo and TV bugged her, but only until she noticed how slick it is to queue up some stuff from her computer and have it play in the living room. Oh, of course I have to have my ridiculous amounts of random crap - but the magic part here is if it's out of view, it doesn't exist. I've got a nice big box filled with cables, ethernet cards, sound cards, video cards, etc etc etc etc etc, but 99% of it is not sitting around on the desk/floor/bed/every other horizontal surface. That seems important.

Naturally the whole spending-time-doing-other-things-than-computing thing is a factor, but he seems to have figured that one out. There's also certain activities I just don't avoid when she wants to... aside from the obvious one, which doesn't bear mentioning *g*, those include: Cooking. If she wants help with something she is making, she gets it, and *now*. That way when I fuck up whatever it is I'm trying to make in the kitchen, I get some sympathy. :-)

I suppose I could go on and on and on... but you get the idea. Figure out what things (objects, activities, etc) are trigger items. Change accordingly - it makes a big difference. YMMV, obviously.

Seriously

[TheOnlyCoolTim]

There is no fuckin' way you need internet access in the shitter.

I mean, I love my connection as much as the next geek but I can do without for 5 minutes while i drop a deuce.

Tim

Re:Seriously

[n-baxley]

Oh, I don't know. I do some of my best thinking in there. You certainly know you won't be bothered by kids barging in. A connection in there would be great!

Re:Seriously

[stienman]

You certainly know you won't be bothered by kids barging in.

You must not have kids.

-Adam

Re:Seriously

[FattMattP]

You must not know how to lock the door.

Ahh, there is a point to this...

[CtrlPhreak]

And it is to brag about all your geeky stuff and that you have a girl.

Damn, cynicism apparently not only comes with age but with lonelyness as well.

I'm not there yet.

[c.r.o.c.o]

But I soon will be. :) The way I see it, try to limit the amount of hardware that you have. Seriously, two servers, a firewall, and all the other equipment you have going there is a bit much. I really don't know what you do with it, since you did not specify your particular area of geekiness, but I'm sure there are some ways to reduce your equipment.

For instance, you're running CAT5 in every room. Where the speed of the connection is not vital, why not give wireless a try? True, it's much slower, but for Internet browsing gaming, or mp3 streaming, it's more than enough. And a PCI card mounted in one of the servers will not be too expensive (CAD$150), a PCMCIA (CAD$60) or a dedicated access point (CAD $230). If you add the costs of of all the wires, hubs you'll come close to that.The only time when CAT5 makes sense is when you can burry them into the walls, but then you would not complain about them if you already did it.

Having two servers? Again, you did not say what they do, but maybe one will be enough? I'm not suggesting you should scrap one of them right now. But maybe for your next upgrade you can plan one that is at least as fast as both combined, while taking half the space. Same goes for the two workstations. You're just one guy, I can't see you using both at the same time. Also, if it's fast enough, you can run vmware under Linux, with as many OSes as you need. The performance hit is big, but not unbearable. And you can do all the developement under one platform, and use the other OSes for testing.

If having so many computers is a must, then use rackmount cases. Saves a hell of a lot of space. More expensive, but you can hide them all into a closet and be done with them. And they can be recycled much better than normal cases. Which brings me to my next point, keep everything as unobtrusive as possible. Computers and their associated wires can be the biggest eye sores from a woman's point of view (just a guess, but I've been proven right on more than one occasion)

And whatever you do, NEVER bring technology into the bedroom. That is the worst possible thing you will ever do. Maybe a laptop with a wireless connection will be tolerated by your significant other, but don't think that she'll be happy even with that.

BTW, US$1=CAD$1.5 roughly.

Patch IT.

[Ratso Baggins]

You're a geek, do what you normally do if something is not working quite right... Patch it.

Being a human system rather than a computer system, you will need a different patch. I recommend Nicorette Patches. The stronger the better.

Apply a fresh patch nightly (to the SO) _after_ they have gone to sleep. Wake before they do and remove the patch. Repeat nightly.

Then when they get upset about the _required_ box in the bathroom, agree to consider it for a few days. DONT use the patches on theese nights and mope during the days. Your SO will perceive the nicoteen withdrawal as internal conflict over their "unreasonable" expectations. When they give in (and help install the bathroom console) resume patches and they will feel good about caving in....

Uhhhhh....

[cmowire]

Well, for one, I have a little more restraint than you.

My wife and I have an extra bedroom for our computers, books, etc. So that cuts down on the crampage.

You don't need a port in the bathroom. The reason why your girlfriend is pissed is probably not because you shouldn't have a port in the bathroom, but because the port in the bathroom is showing her what a nutcase she's going out with. Plus, it gets damn humid there when you take a shower. A moisture-short across the line is not going to do wonders for network performance. Just use wireless ethernet and be happy. Do you have a phone in every room? Of course not, you probably have a cordless phone. Same thing here.

For another, try to be organized about things. With a nice telecom rack, you can stick your 2 servers, the firewall, your UPS, your switch, etc. etc. etc. in a small 2'x3' area in the corner somewhere and have room for expansion. I've met very few geeks who really needed more than 1 server + firewall unless they were trying to compensate fo a small penis.

I mean, look at this from her prespective. She's going to like it if you have a nice network connection for her internet usage, an e-mail account for her to use, a nice home-movie experience so you can watch movies together, etc. She's not going to mind it if your computing gear is humming away neatly in a corner somewhere. She's going to hate it if you spend all of your time tinkering with all of your crap and not spending quality time with her. She's going to hate it if you have a messy piles of computing crap in every room that she has to watch out or she'll trip over, that keeps her up all night because the fans are obnoxiously loud, etc.

I mean, look at Alan Cox. His wife isn't filling her weblog with stories about how obnoxious and self-centered he is. She mentions about how he's fixing one problem or another with her laptop and seems to be more amused than anything else with his geekishness.

Oh yes! I'd like one of those....

[Mandi Walls]

OOOOH!

Laptop + Bathtub = Hours of Blissful Soaking

CAT5 is okay for that. Wireless acceptible too.

:)

Sorry, I'm taken.

--mandi

Monkelectric Studio

[Monkelectric]

I have a smiliar problem with my studio equiptment ... which consists of 4 computers, 3 keyboards, 12 synths/effect processors in a 36u rack, several mics, a handfull of converter boxes, a few monitors (speakers), a closet full of instruments (guitars, saxes, flutes, clarinets [and yes, they are plural for a reason :-D]), and a *buttload* of cables :)

The secret to managing the girlfriend is technique:

Sneak stuff in when possible, they dont *have* to know about it, and they dont pay close attention so they dont always know exactly what you have.

If they do figure out you got something new, tell them it was cheap :) Try to explain it in terms they will understand/appreciate, ie "That 300$ box [really cost 750$] and makes pretty piano sounds" ... "That box makes your internet go faster" Infact, purposefully tweak her MTU settings to something awful, so when you get the new box you can set them normal and tell her it was responsible :)

Dont stress the finances too much and never let her see your credit card bills, "Honey, we're going to mcdonalds instead of Olive Garden (which incidently is really the mcdonalds of italian food :) *WON'T* impress her, and you better believe she *will* remember.

Upgrade things when possible. For my synths, I buy the upgrade cards ... I've dumped 2000$ into upgrade cards this year, but It dosen't *look* like I've gotten any more equiptment :)

Remember if you hear the phrase "Oh god not another one" and you already know what she's talking about -- YOU are the problem not her :D

Lastly if she gives you too much shit, remember the divorce rate is 50%, but a synthesizer (or server in your case) will serve you forever [but it can't put out] :)

Re:How I avoid *most* of this.

[Chanc_Gorkon]

First off....who the HECK needs a web server and mail server in their own house?? I am a geek, but I would MUCH rather have my web server in a nice cozy colo if I really need more then my ISP provider's 10 MB of space. Yeah, colo's can be expensive, but if somethign goes wrong at your house, your webserver is nice and safe. Also, I still don't under stand those who have a mail server in the house. Is your mail THAT important to have your own server? Do you have your own domain name and need a mail server to collect it's mail? 90 percent of use probably don't have our own domain name ( I see no reason for it yet....and besides, I run this crap at work...I DON'T WANT A WEBSERVER AND MAILSERVER TO CUSS AT AT HOME! ). That said, I can see the allure of having those in your own house. Easier to update, Great if you all of a sudden run out of disk space and need to add a disk. Bad for everything else. The ONLY thing I would want a server for at home is for MP3's. That way, I can stream them to my laptop or my desktop as well as maybe pump them into my stereo. Of course, since I have wireless, I can just stream them from the desktop when needed and I really don't need a server. The only place I REALLY want another computer now is in the car. That way I have MP3, and GPS navigation in the car that rivals the systems taht are dedicated for GPS nav in several luxury cars.

Could be

[quintessent]

I can't be the only Slashdotter living with a significant other

Are you sure?

Re:When is it too much.

[stu_coates]

I tend to work on the principle that if my SO owns more pairs of shoes than I have servers/switches/routers etc. then I'm in safe territory... at the moment I'm falling far behind and need some more hardware. ;-)

Run your own services

[Outland Traveller]

I proudly host all of my own services, and I think more people should. I'm not advocating this as some kind of geek-upmanship, but for privacy, security, and community reasons. In these days of linksys wireless/routers/NAT/printerservers and netwinders/cobalt cubes you don't even need to be a hardcore sysadmin, although it sure helps.

If you run your own mail, you can encrypt it on the server and provide secure, spam-free access via HTTPS. Now you can email securely from work or wherever else you happen to be.

You can run your own webserver and install all the apache modules you want without trouble. You can publish your own material so that you can be slashdoted just like everyone else. Running your own servers is one of the best things you can do to preserve your political independence.

And then there's more esoteric fun... secure streaming media services wherever you are in the world, instant quick&dirty VPN into most networks via ssh tunneled back into itself, freenet nodes, etc.

I personally hate the fact that broadband services are increasingly assymetric and dynamically addressed, discouraging people from running their own servers. People should demand the right to be producers as well as consumers. Sure, colocation is better for most business uses, but there are lots of positive benefits to a democratic society if people run their own servers, and it really isn't that technically hard anymone.

Wake up!

[TheLink]

Network point in the bathroom? Did you consult with her first? If yes, did she agree?

You're SHARING the apartment aren't you? Before you try to make changes to a shared resource amongst _equals_, it is only polite and respectful that you should always confer with the other party. It sure doesn't look good when one party keeps unilaterally changing things in a permanent manner.

You are trying to SHARE your lives together right?

If it has been mutually agreed that you are the person to make decisions about bathroom attachments and she's not really bothered nor interested then sure you could make unilateral changes. But be considerate and consult her for big changes.

Remember even if you don't think the changes are significant you better be sure she doesn't think so either. So what if you think it's beneficial - does she?

Unless you prefer being single, you better make more effort to keep her happy. She obviously loves you. And even better - respects your interests and seem quite reasonable.

Be reasonable as well. Obviously she has a high tolerance level but you've just hit the limit. So do what a smart engineer/geek does for safety - when you found a limit, drop the level by maybe 10-20% for a a good safety margin (more if necessary and if getting closer to that limit is not that important to you).

And don't keep trying to push these limits - something might just finally blow irrecoverably.

If she's happy, that makes you happy. If that's statement is not true, then something needs fixing. If that statement is true, then it is logical that you should try to keep her happy.

Same goes for her. But heh your stuff is all over the apartment so maybe she kinda knows that already...

An ultimatum?

[ksheff]

There's nothing to be done now since you've apparently smoothed the current incident over. However, if she'd going to play it that way, the next time she does it, do the following:

1. Take a day off from work when she's not home
2. Arrange for a locksmith to come over and change your locks that day.
3. Box all of her stuff up and have it by the front door.
4. Wait.
5. When she gets home, let her in and tell her she's packed up and ready to go.

If she's going to try to use your love and affection for her against you and not sit down and negotiate like mature adults, she's not worth it. Once you give in, it will continue to happen and will only get worse. In the end, you will be miserable and she will end up leaving you some reason that's bound to be your fault. I've been there and now that it's over, I wish I would have called her bluff at the beginning. It would have saved a lot of hurt feelings on both sides. The only alternative is to end up a spineless man with a domineering wife often parodied in the old WB cartoons ([voice tone=whiney]"Yes, dear".."of course dear"..."anything you say dear" [/voice]).

Either way, you win. Either she leaves, you get to do what you want, and avoid bigger messes later on, or she backs down, learns that you're not going to put up with that shit and will have to behave like an adult in the future. Loneliness sucks, but it's better than having to deal with that sort of crap day in and day out.