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Living the Computer Geek Lifestyle w/ a Significant Other?
Edward Almos asks: "I live with my girlfriend in a small apartment (about 65 sq yards) and over the last six months I've installed a significant amount of computer and network gear. The count at the moment stands at two servers, a firewall, two workstations, an ADSL line and an apartment-wide network with at least two CAT5 points in every room. There's also two laptops and a load of HiFi gear. Last night she finally cracked when I installed a network point in the bathroom and told me that either the connection went or she did. After a romantic evening for two everything is patched up and all is OK but this got me wondering. I can't be the only Slashdotter living with a significant other so how do the rest of you pursuade them that all the cables, cupboards full of servers and sky-high comms costs are really essential to the geek lifestyle. This also ties in nicely with the latest poll, ain't love grand!!"
Just find another gay techno geek. (100% serious)
Unfortunatly it's a bit more complicated once you involve the other sex (everything always is).
I live in a giant bucket.
If you have to ask on slashdot of all places how to have a relationship then you're so far beyond help that you might as well just kill yourself now.
Basically every couple had or have this kind of problem. Don't look this as "my geek things", but instead, a relationship as old as the moment people got together. You want something, she doesn't. She wants something, you don't. There are plenty of material about this, so I won't even try to clarify why it's important communication and respect.
Essentially, try to look at this situation with other eyes.
Buy a Nintendo DS Lite
Addict her to muds. It worked for me.
Get a bigger apartment with an extra room for an office. Now that you're living together, maybe you can afford one. Then, put *ALL* computer equipment in that office -- no exceptions. You have to draw the line somewhere.
If you are living in New York or something and can't offord a larger apartment, I think it's only fair that you get a notebook, ONE computer that sits in a CLOSET, A PDA and a wireless LAN (no cables, dammit). Sorry -- I'm a geek too, but this is what's fair.
Besides, cuddling up in bed watching "couples" porn on your laptop? She might actually like that idea. Just turn off popups.
-- Ken Kinder ken@_nospam_kenkinder.com http://kenkinder.com/
you should'be been more stealthy! wireless access point in the bathroom. get craft-sey and buy an apple WAP, dremmel out the bottom of a toothbrush holder, and epoxy it to the top of the WAP. it's in the bathroom, and you get to keep your geek status by a)having eithernet to every room, and b) keeping current (cat-5? what's wrong with you??? we're in the 21st century!).
moox. for a new generation.
Then you don't need wires in the bathroom....
Yes dear... ;-)
Was to move all my shit into a 200 sq. foot office at the back of an ISP I work at. I take a hit on pay but I don't pay for the phone, space or 'net connection.
It actually works out a lot better than moving everything to the basement or something. I can have the lights where I want, have the music where I need it (or have total silence) and the house looks like a house, not a geek compound.
Actually there is one exception: I have the home-rolled DSL coming into the basement where the firewall has a wireless card. Her/the kids' computer is in the kitchen and when I bring my notebook home I can work wherever.
The only thing that blows about it all is that it's not exactly handy to scoot over here to do work on something when I am inspired at 3am. :-)
There is no fuckin' way you need internet access in the shitter.
I mean, I love my connection as much as the next geek but I can do without for 5 minutes while i drop a deuce.
Tim
Omnia vestra castrorum habetur nobis.
Can you justify all the equipment in what sounds like a rather small shared space? I mean, if you have a need for all this gear that's one thing, but if you are just littering the house with "geek toys" because you can, you may want to stop trusting your technolust.
I'd like an SGI, PRS Custom 24 and Marshall 1/2 stack in every room of my apartment too, however even though my wife is also a geek (programmer)and into music (bassist) I don't think I'd even try to do that kind of thing.
Especially in the bathroom. WTF are you thinking?
I can see wanting a lot of gear, but wiring an entire apartment is still a bit much. Get wireless and then get wireless cards and you'd be much better off.
Only 'flamers' flame!
I just remind my wife of the time she bought $300 worth of limited edition Barbie Dolls. That usually buys me a couple more months of the geek lifestyle unfettered.
I've hit Karma 50 and gotten a Score:5, Troll... I win!
And it is to brag about all your geeky stuff and that you have a girl.
Damn, cynicism apparently not only comes with age but with lonelyness as well.
WikiAfterDark.com It's a sex wiki, go now!
I just put 802.11b in the house. This enabled me to put the servers in the basement ("Look, honey, no more eyesore!") as well as having the laptop available to me in every room ("See honey, we can sit in the living room and watch tv, and I'm not always running off to the office to do work.")
That's my two cents.
www.HearMySoulSpeak.com
But I soon will be. :) The way I see it, try to limit the amount of hardware that you have. Seriously, two servers, a firewall, and all the other equipment you have going there is a bit much. I really don't know what you do with it, since you did not specify your particular area of geekiness, but I'm sure there are some ways to reduce your equipment.
For instance, you're running CAT5 in every room. Where the speed of the connection is not vital, why not give wireless a try? True, it's much slower, but for Internet browsing gaming, or mp3 streaming, it's more than enough. And a PCI card mounted in one of the servers will not be too expensive (CAD$150), a PCMCIA (CAD$60) or a dedicated access point (CAD $230). If you add the costs of of all the wires, hubs you'll come close to that.The only time when CAT5 makes sense is when you can burry them into the walls, but then you would not complain about them if you already did it.
Having two servers? Again, you did not say what they do, but maybe one will be enough? I'm not suggesting you should scrap one of them right now. But maybe for your next upgrade you can plan one that is at least as fast as both combined, while taking half the space. Same goes for the two workstations. You're just one guy, I can't see you using both at the same time. Also, if it's fast enough, you can run vmware under Linux, with as many OSes as you need. The performance hit is big, but not unbearable. And you can do all the developement under one platform, and use the other OSes for testing.
If having so many computers is a must, then use rackmount cases. Saves a hell of a lot of space. More expensive, but you can hide them all into a closet and be done with them. And they can be recycled much better than normal cases. Which brings me to my next point, keep everything as unobtrusive as possible. Computers and their associated wires can be the biggest eye sores from a woman's point of view (just a guess, but I've been proven right on more than one occasion)
And whatever you do, NEVER bring technology into the bedroom. That is the worst possible thing you will ever do. Maybe a laptop with a wireless connection will be tolerated by your significant other, but don't think that she'll be happy even with that.
BTW, US$1=CAD$1.5 roughly.
Being a human system rather than a computer system, you will need a different patch. I recommend Nicorette Patches. The stronger the better.
Apply a fresh patch nightly (to the SO) _after_ they have gone to sleep. Wake before they do and remove the patch. Repeat nightly.
Then when they get upset about the _required_ box in the bathroom, agree to consider it for a few days. DONT use the patches on theese nights and mope during the days. Your SO will perceive the nicoteen withdrawal as internal conflict over their "unreasonable" expectations. When they give in (and help install the bathroom console) resume patches and they will feel good about caving in....
--
"we live in a post-ideological world..." - Billy Bragg.
My solution to the problem: I married a geek chick. ;) Of course, this still leads to other problems- Whose computer gets the next upgrade we can afford, How to fit all of our stuff into the apartment, And what to do with the boxes of odd hardware I just can't come to throw away, but she wants out, etc.
The bottom line is, in any relationship, you have to work things out. What makes it possible to survive is the ability of both parties to compromise. I mean, come on. a link in the bathroom? Do you REALLY need to check slashdot while on the can?
Do yourself a big favor: Don't step on her toes. Think about what you really NEED. If there's something that you're not doing for any practical value-- where it's only value is the l33tness factor, then chances are, she won't like it, and it'll probably make her uncomfortable. In my bedroom, There's only two computers visible without going into the closet-- My main machine and her main machine. The others, a spare server which runs things like nameservice and squid, and a gateway, stay safely tucked away in the closet.
If that doesn't work, You can try things like a dedicated computer room, or put a computer in a room with something she enjoys doing-- Spend your time on your machines with her AND don't forget to take time off from your machines to spend time alone with her. Even a geek woman needs that. If you can't provide it, you'll botch the relationship.
f you can't handle turning off every single computer in the house, even only for a day, and spending time with her, Forget it. Let her find someone who can now, before you make it harder for her in the end.
get 0wned. irc.w30wnzj00.com
Well, for one, I have a little more restraint than you.
My wife and I have an extra bedroom for our computers, books, etc. So that cuts down on the crampage.
You don't need a port in the bathroom. The reason why your girlfriend is pissed is probably not because you shouldn't have a port in the bathroom, but because the port in the bathroom is showing her what a nutcase she's going out with. Plus, it gets damn humid there when you take a shower. A moisture-short across the line is not going to do wonders for network performance. Just use wireless ethernet and be happy. Do you have a phone in every room? Of course not, you probably have a cordless phone. Same thing here.
For another, try to be organized about things. With a nice telecom rack, you can stick your 2 servers, the firewall, your UPS, your switch, etc. etc. etc. in a small 2'x3' area in the corner somewhere and have room for expansion. I've met very few geeks who really needed more than 1 server + firewall unless they were trying to compensate fo a small penis.
I mean, look at this from her prespective. She's going to like it if you have a nice network connection for her internet usage, an e-mail account for her to use, a nice home-movie experience so you can watch movies together, etc. She's not going to mind it if your computing gear is humming away neatly in a corner somewhere. She's going to hate it if you spend all of your time tinkering with all of your crap and not spending quality time with her. She's going to hate it if you have a messy piles of computing crap in every room that she has to watch out or she'll trip over, that keeps her up all night because the fans are obnoxiously loud, etc.
I mean, look at Alan Cox. His wife isn't filling her weblog with stories about how obnoxious and self-centered he is. She mentions about how he's fixing one problem or another with her laptop and seems to be more amused than anything else with his geekishness.
Gentoo Sucks
"Yes, dear... I will remove the network connection in the bathroom"
-- next day --
"Honey, look at this cool thing. It's a wireless network!"
First off, let me say that installing it in the bathroom is just WRONG. Even I don't condone that. Remove it.
However, I am installing an I-Opener computer in the kitchen, so that it folds up underneath a cabinet. My wife didn't like this, until I showed her how to stream TV from the Tivo to it... which I'm not sure if it was a mistake or not. It eats all the cpu cycles, leaves none for recording. Ouch.
Laptop + Bathtub = Hours of Blissful Soaking
CAT5 is okay for that. Wireless acceptible too.
Sorry, I'm taken.
--mandi
The secret to managing the girlfriend is technique:
Sneak stuff in when possible, they dont *have* to know about it, and they dont pay close attention so they dont always know exactly what you have.
If they do figure out you got something new, tell them it was cheap :) Try to explain it in terms they will understand/appreciate, ie "That 300$ box [really cost 750$] and makes pretty piano sounds" ... "That box makes your internet go faster" Infact, purposefully tweak her MTU settings to something awful, so when you get the new box you can set them normal and tell her it was responsible :)
Dont stress the finances too much and never let her see your credit card bills, "Honey, we're going to mcdonalds instead of Olive Garden (which incidently is really the mcdonalds of italian food :) *WON'T* impress her, and you better believe she *will* remember.
Upgrade things when possible. For my synths, I buy the upgrade cards ... I've dumped 2000$ into upgrade cards this year, but It dosen't *look* like I've gotten any more equiptment :)
Remember if you hear the phrase "Oh god not another one" and you already know what she's talking about -- YOU are the problem not her :D
Lastly if she gives you too much shit, remember the divorce rate is 50%, but a synthesizer (or server in your case) will serve you forever [but it can't put out] :)
Religion is a gateway psychosis. -- Dave Foley
Are you kidding?
Girls / Women talk about that stuff a heck of a lot more than guys do, let me tell ya. Once you get to know a member of the opposite sex well enough, you can start to see "insight" into how they work.... and I guarantee you that.
On a side note, a friend of mine was talking to me about the same subject. I asked him "I wonder if they talk about us the way we talk about them". Knowing the answer to this question myself, I wanted to see his opinion.
He told me "Hell yes. Well, probably not about me, but yea...."
:)
Karnal
I've had so many mod points over the past month or two but haven't used them because I've been so busy. Now when I NEED them...
Anyway, nice post.
My other
Use wireless as much as feasible. Organize and put away extra parts / seldom used toys. Bundle wires using velcro straps and hide as much as possible behind desks / divider panels / etc. Put servers in a closet. Invest in anything needed to reduce case noise on all machines. Use plastic striping to run CAT5 along walls edges. "Decorate" any ugly peripherals / boxen with "homely" stuff like plants . (Bonus points if the plants are of a variety that absorbs dust well) Shelve books, put loose paper in binders, etc. Geek gear can be classy if unobtrusive.
On the other hand, if she can't handle your style, maybe she's not the one. Fussy women probably aren't too geek compatible. Or maybe she's not and you're just a slob. (-:
I installed a network point in the bathroom ... everything is patched up
Certainly, you wouldnt want a network point there and not have it plugged in - thats pointless.
Seriously though, [b]wireless[/b] is the way togo
I have a cable modem that a split with a Lynksys router I built a machine for her. Nothing says love like giving her a box to call her own.
I can't be the only Slashdotter living with a significant other
Are you sure?
Donate background CPU time to fight cancer.
I tend to work on the principle that if my SO owns more pairs of shoes than I have servers/switches/routers etc. then I'm in safe territory... at the moment I'm falling far behind and need some more hardware. ;-)
What I've found is really important with my fiancée is that we talk about it beforehand. Blowing lots of money on hardware without consulting with your SO is like her going off and doing clothes shopping that takes up 3/4 of the closet. If it's not discussed beforehand it's a waste of money that takes up lots of space.
I'm really fortunate in the my fiancée is a serious geek as well. She's not a computer geek (though she loves being online), but she's a major Latin and math geek. Thus I don't have to jump major hurdles to get it all to work.
One thing we discussed was building the network and putting it all in when we move to a new place. As long as the sound and heat are contained and there aren't cables everywhere, she's cool with it. I want a machine in the living room, so we discussed getting a little Shuttle machine to put under the TV. She though the idea of setting it up to record programs, compress to MPEG-4, and record on CD was pretty cool (VHS takes up WAY too much space). We've even worked out that we'll put it on the same shelf as a Game Cube, so it'll look cool.
As for wiring the bathroom, that's over the top. Your SO probably thinks you're obsessed, and personally, I do as well. I think the kitchen is generally right out as well (though a monitor and keyboard and mouse port might be useful at some point). I won't go 100% wireless, since I hate having to deal with the security.
Have you tried to figure out what it is that you two HAVE in common? I had problems in a previous relationship, and we finally figured out that it wasn't the machines, it was the fact that we had little in common.
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. - G.B. Shaw
Well, if I sound smug then maybe I'm entitled, but my fiancee loves gadgetry. She's not a geek by any standards - she shops for shoes, clothes, kitchen-y things and real estate before even looking at an electronics store - but she says part of what attracted her to me is my gadgetry and techno-fluency... if I were to put a network link in the bathroom, I would probably get treated to an amazing dinner and a wild night in the spa-bath!
I could go on about our shared interests, but that'd be even MORE off-topic. One point I will make comes from my previous relationship, wherein the girl (as it turned out) *pretended* to be interested in gadgetry because she felt it would be a way to get closer to me... pardon me for being fooled, she works 2nd-level PC techsupport at a large insurance company!
But anyway - umm, what WAS my point? Oh yes - women are trouble! Mine isn't, but she's taken, so all the others ARE trouble! Avoid when possible. That's my advice.
Perfectly Normal Industries
I see a lot of people on here saying "Don't tell her how much you spent," and that's a load of malarkey. I tried that for a year, and my girlfriend honestly thought I was doing drugs! She kept asking where all the money went, and she sat me down in a restaurant one night to confront me about it. Thankfully, I keep my receipts for tax purposes (you *ARE* writing this stuff off for business, aren't you?) and I could show her exactly where it was going. She was fine with it - of course, I guess it's a lot easier to win her over when she suspects you're doing drugs instead.
Her current theory is that it beats me sitting on the couch watching the game and sucking down beers, or going to strip clubs with the guys. If I'm going to have a hobby, at least it's one that increases my skill levels and makes me more valuable at work. Even if it's expensive, it's an investment & an educational experience.
Here's how to really win her over, too: when you replace gear, sell the old stuff on Ebay, and use that money to buy her stuff she wants. Then she will equate upgrades with gifts. It's like that Sears commercial where the woman comes home to a houseful of new audio/video gear and starts to yell, but when her husband holds up a little box, she drops everything and coos, "Ooooh, jewelry."
What's your damage, Heather?
Well, as far as i'm concerned there is always a limit for pushing your lifestyle to others. :), i don't think any self respecting girl friend "who is not a geek like you" can accept it.
The others mean your lover, your familiy, or your friends. People who really care about you understand your obsession about some things, but they also expect respect from you, about their life style.
I have a wonderfull girlfriend right now, and even though she's not as much as enthusiastic about 1's and 0's as much as me, she understands that reading compiler specs is my way of having fun. But i also know that a night outside with a good dinner and wine is much more fun for her. So, you should decide about the tradeoffs, as i said there is always a limit. If you think that you can go as far as you wish, and install hardware even in bedroom
So i make my choice on these grounds, and i think living with a non-geek is something good, since she reminds you of that other life, and helps you get along with it, so that you can still be able to communicate with other people.
If you're straight, it's actually not as hard as you might think to find a girl geek. Seriously.
The secret is to think more broadly. Your girl geek may not be a coder, an open source zealot or the like, but remember that geeks come in all shapes and sizes. Mine is a graphic designer, for example. Despite being more at home in Photoshop, she can also do sysadmin duties like editing DNS zone files.
She asked for broadband for her birthday. *giddy sigh*
sub f{($f)=@_;print"$f(q{$f});";}f(q{sub f{($f)=@_;print"$f(q{$f});";}f});
live with my girlfriend in a small apartment (about 65 sq yards)...
If my math is right (and it's early, so it might not be), but:
1sq yd = 3 sq ft
so:
65 sq yds = 195 sq ft
Which sounds about the size of two dorm rooms put together. I bet if you replaced the cat5 wires with 802.11b eveything would be all good. Make sure to use WEP (yeah I know it's not foolproof), MAC ACLs and SSH/VPN.
it's not going to stop until you wise up, no it's not going to stop. so just give up.
Hi,
when I was first married, I lived in a place slightly smaller than that, but not much
Let me give you a hint - that's a LOT of gear for a very small space.
You really have to discuss these things. There probably should be some places that are "Off Limits"
Everyone needs "their own space" You probably have it - does your SO? She probably considers the bathroom part of "Her space"
Give her a beak. You can get more geek toys once you move into something larger
-- 73 de KG2V For the Children - RKBA! "You are what you do when it counts" - the Masso
I have some friends who are gun nuts, and they solved their problem like this: Get an expandable gun cabinet, with 7 slots. Get 4 guns in there. This is hard, because she needs to know about each gun, and while it is easy to explain a shot gun and a rifle, it is hard to explain that a .22 and a .30-06 are different enough that you can't just use one, and you still need one more gun. Once that is taken care of you will have 3 empty spaces in the gun cabinet, keep it that way. You now can sneak in as many guns as you want, just be sure to expand the gun cabinet each time by enough that there are 3 empty spaces.
You pretty much have to keep all your computers in one room to apply this, but that is a good idea anyway. (except for the laptop)
I have similar problems, not so much intrastructure wise, but just balancing my time to be "geeky" with my time to spend with my girlfriend. She doesn't seem to understand that "yes computers are my job" but "they are also my hobby" A good thorny programming problem or a misbehaving motherboard and getting it fixed is how I relax. I enjoy doing the biking, and hiking, and dog walks she likes to do, but once in a while I just need to go in to deep hack mode to relax for a while.
Anyone got any advise on how to handle telling her that.
Power Corrupts,Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely, leaving one person(group)in charge is absolutely corrupt.
I proudly host all of my own services, and I think more people should. I'm not advocating this as some kind of geek-upmanship, but for privacy, security, and community reasons. In these days of linksys wireless/routers/NAT/printerservers and netwinders/cobalt cubes you don't even need to be a hardcore sysadmin, although it sure helps.
If you run your own mail, you can encrypt it on the server and provide secure, spam-free access via HTTPS. Now you can email securely from work or wherever else you happen to be.
You can run your own webserver and install all the apache modules you want without trouble. You can publish your own material so that you can be slashdoted just like everyone else. Running your own servers is one of the best things you can do to preserve your political independence.
And then there's more esoteric fun... secure streaming media services wherever you are in the world, instant quick&dirty VPN into most networks via ssh tunneled back into itself, freenet nodes, etc.
I personally hate the fact that broadband services are increasingly assymetric and dynamically addressed, discouraging people from running their own servers. People should demand the right to be producers as well as consumers. Sure, colocation is better for most business uses, but there are lots of positive benefits to a democratic society if people run their own servers, and it really isn't that technically hard anymone.
Network point in the bathroom? Did you consult with her first? If yes, did she agree?
You're SHARING the apartment aren't you? Before you try to make changes to a shared resource amongst _equals_, it is only polite and respectful that you should always confer with the other party. It sure doesn't look good when one party keeps unilaterally changing things in a permanent manner.
You are trying to SHARE your lives together right?
If it has been mutually agreed that you are the person to make decisions about bathroom attachments and she's not really bothered nor interested then sure you could make unilateral changes. But be considerate and consult her for big changes.
Remember even if you don't think the changes are significant you better be sure she doesn't think so either. So what if you think it's beneficial - does she?
Unless you prefer being single, you better make more effort to keep her happy. She obviously loves you. And even better - respects your interests and seem quite reasonable.
Be reasonable as well. Obviously she has a high tolerance level but you've just hit the limit. So do what a smart engineer/geek does for safety - when you found a limit, drop the level by maybe 10-20% for a a good safety margin (more if necessary and if getting closer to that limit is not that important to you).
And don't keep trying to push these limits - something might just finally blow irrecoverably.
If she's happy, that makes you happy. If that's statement is not true, then something needs fixing. If that statement is true, then it is logical that you should try to keep her happy.
Same goes for her. But heh your stuff is all over the apartment so maybe she kinda knows that already...
Another possible reason she's pissed is because he didn't ask her before doing that (and lots of the other stuff).
:(
If he did ask her, and she said no, and he went ahead and did it anyway...
I'm a pureblooded geek at heart. Several years ago I went through a really bad relationship where I basically gave up my geeky life to conform to whatever BS she thought was right. Needless to say, not only was I miserable, but so was she. Yes, I was whipped. But never again.
Now I have a very simple policy. I currently live alone in a moderately sized house and I have gone out of my way to be sure there are computers in every room (except the bathrooms, but I'm working on it). This is how it is now, and this is how it will remain. Anyone who comes along is well aware of this fact. If they have serious problems with it, then they can get out of it before it ever begins. If they wouldn't want to live in that type of an environment, then they wouldn't be interested in me anyways.
And I HAVE had relationships since I've implemented this little policy of mine, and it has never been a problem. It might seem somewhat crass to suggest that a bunch of computers are more important than a relationship, but its not just aa bunch of computers, its who you ARE. Its as much a part of your life as what you eat, where you live, and the type of person you want to spend your life with. And if the person currently ringing your doorbell will be in constant conflict with your geeky lifestyle, then you would both be better off if you just didn't answer the door.
-Restil
Play with my webcams and lights here
If you are living with another person, you need to learn a little about maturity. It isn't all about you, now, you have to consider someone else when you make each decision. If you get married and have a kid, now you have to consider two other people before making a decision. Its called growing up.
Yeah, we all had a blast when we were in college and had computer parts strung about the house, but you either keep that life, or share it with someone else. If you share it with someone who doesn't like it, either grow up, or dump her and go back to your electronic wonderland.
Sorry to sound harsh, but I had to be told the same thing before I got married.
Good quote, too many chars. Seriously, the slashdot 120 char limit sucks!
The best reason for ethernet in the bathroom would be to listen to MP3s in the shower, I'd think.
I'd like to have a waterproof touchscreen control panel that would replace a single ceramic tile, to control the music. Well, if somebody comes to the front door you could use it to see the camera view, too, and decide whether this visitor is worth getting out of the shower for or just another Jehovah's Witness.
As for what to do in general, I just made it clear from the beginning (a few weeks after I met her online, before we even met in person) that I was always going to be a geek, spend a lot of my time doing techy stuff, and she better not try to change me, because that's my life, and I have some goals that I need to try to reach. So far so good, except that she has a bit of an obsession about keeping things clean, like most women I suppose. Which means I don't get to pile up nonfunctional junk in every room anymore, but still there is some sort of computing device in just about every room, and I still have a total mess in 2 rooms plus semi-mess in the main computer room. She even likes the Audrey in the kitchen because she can check the weather, TV guide etc.
In general I think a geek has to decide if his geekhood is important enough to you to wait until he can find the sort of woman who can tolerate or appreciate it. If that's really who you are, then I don't think you should have to give up everything for love. But, it sounds like in your case, small compromises or compensation are keeping both of you happy, so what problem? Good luck.
As many have posted, it is all about compromise.
Get out of the idea of "geek house" mode (ie, cables and shit everywhere). Transition to "geek haus" mode (cables and shit everywhere, hidden discretely).
Granted, doing this in an apartment may be a bit of a problem, so you might either have to go wireless or learn how to install wires (and deinstall them when you move) in a place you don't own. Don't worry - the experience will be more than helpful when you finally do get a house in the future (everything needs fixing).
That there may be part of the problem - you need more space. But, like hard drives, you will never have enough space for your crap. I recently moved into my first house, and I can already envision not having enough space for my junk (my next step: a guy I know is starting a "geek junk storage" collective, where will rent out a storage unit for communal junk swapping - which sounds like a cool thing to do, and may help others). Maybe you need to learn to live with less.
One compromise I made with my wife was that I get one room for an "office", to decorate and make however I want it - and she gets the rest of the living space to make the way she wants it. I handle all networking and cabling management (ie, setting up the stereo, her computer, etc) - but she handles all the "look" of the house. It is a good thing, because my idea of style is metal shelving. She knows how to make a house a home, and make it comfortable. Oh, and she doesn't like to look at wires, so if a wire has to be run somewhere, it is up in the attic I go to do it.
It is a good tradeoff - she already knows my plans to set up a welder in the garage (only nearby source of 220VAC). She has no problems with that. She just wants things to look nice, in the areas people can see - what happens "behind the scenes", I handle.
Oh, BTW - a network jack in the bathroom seems like overkill. However, setting things up to handle video and music in the bathroom, perhaps control lights, etc - might be worthwhile - just make it look nice - ie, professional.
Reason is the Path to God - Anon
There's nothing to be done now since you've apparently smoothed the current incident over. However, if she'd going to play it that way, the next time she does it, do the following:
- Take a day off from work when she's not home
- Arrange for a locksmith to come over and change your locks that day.
- Box all of her stuff up and have it by the front door.
- Wait.
- When she gets home, let her in and tell her she's packed up and ready to go.
If she's going to try to use your love and affection for her against you and not sit down and negotiate like mature adults, she's not worth it. Once you give in, it will continue to happen and will only get worse. In the end, you will be miserable and she will end up leaving you some reason that's bound to be your fault. I've been there and now that it's over, I wish I would have called her bluff at the beginning. It would have saved a lot of hurt feelings on both sides. The only alternative is to end up a spineless man with a domineering wife often parodied in the old WB cartoons ([voice tone=whiney]"Yes, dear".."of course dear"..."anything you say dear" [/voice]).Either way, you win. Either she leaves, you get to do what you want, and avoid bigger messes later on, or she backs down, learns that you're not going to put up with that shit and will have to behave like an adult in the future. Loneliness sucks, but it's better than having to deal with that sort of crap day in and day out.
the good ground has been paved over by suicidal maniacs
Heh, funny...here's how we at Hass Manor deal with it.
My hubby's a music geek. I'm a computer geek.
He doesn't mess with my computers, I don't mess with his music equipment.
At this point, we are drowning in both computers and music equipment. But we are both very, very happy.
Knowledge is power. Knowledge shared is power multiplied.
One - get a bigger place! If you have a truly mammoth geek habit, you must be drowning in equipment.
Two (and a more practical one) - If you truly must have connectivity everywhere in the house, use 802.11b. But be very careful before putting a PC in the bathroom. If a PC must go in the bathroom full-time, consider getting one of those old i-Openers that are hacked into PC's. They show up on eBay all the time. It can be wall-mounted easily and takes up little space. However, this will almost certainly cause relationship issues. Avoid surfing in the can.
Three - Make sure she has a computer of her own. Keep it safe, secure, and reasonably well-equipped, then leave it alone. Let her do as she wishes with it.
Four - What do you really need to spend? High-speed is great and generally worthwhile, but you should be doing most of your home gear as cheaply as possible.
Five - Earn enough money to justify the inconvenience to her.
Now, for my $.02 - we have an old Victorian house that I wired up, and there are computers in a large portion of the house. I've been able to work with my wife on this because of a few ground rules we established:
First off, I'm expected to be responsible in my tech gear. I try not to buy too much stuff.
Secondly, I try to keep my buying to things that are relevant to my work skills. That way I can get some writeoffs for it.
Third, our house technology is kept mainly under wraps, except for her iMac in the bedroom. I keep all my servers and networking gear either in the cellar or in a spare bedroom I use as an ofice. She pretty much gets to do what she wants with the rest of the house.
We basically have an understanding - my tech skills pay the bills and allow her to stay home with our newborn. But I need to spend some money, time, and space on the tools that I use to maintain my skills. Fortunately, I enjoy it, so it's also fun for me.
In exchange, she gets the freedom to be a mom (which is the job she really wanted) and to handle the rest of the house as she sees fit. I get to veto projects if we can't afford them at that point in time - I keep better track of the finances than she does. But we do everything she wants at some point or another - I only manage the pace.
I can say one thing though - we have no PC in our bathroom. It might not be as easy for us to have this arrangement if we had a PC there.
-- Josh Turiel
"2. Do not eat iPod Shuffle."