Compiling a List of Funny Anti-Linux FUD?

An anonymous reader writes "I am in the process of trying to compile a list of at least 100 anti-Linux FUD statements, preferrably the ones that came from one of the big-shots in the computer industry. I am planning to use it in a multimedia project of mine. I did some searching on the net, including Slashdot, but the information overload has slowed my progress down to a crawl. Could you please assist me in compiling such a list?"

Comments

SCO complaint

[ptaff]

SCO complaint vs. IBM, March 2003:

It is not possible for Linux to rapidly reach UNIX performance standards for complete enterprise functionality without the misappropriation of UNIX code, methods or concepts to achieve such performance, and coordination by a larger developer, such as IBM.

Is Linux a Machination of Satan?

[Anonymous Coward]

Hello,

Recently I've been introduced to an operating system known as Linux.

Lured by its low cost, I replaced Windows 98 on my computer with Linux. Unfortunately the more I use it the more I fear that this "Linux" may be an insidious way for the Dark One to gain a stronger foothold here on Earth. I know this may be a shocking claim, but I have evidence to back it up!

To begin with, Linux is based off of an older, obsolete OS called "BSD Unix". The child-indoctrinatingly-cute cartoon mascot of this OS is a devil holding a pitchfork. This OS -- and its Linux offspring -- extensively use what are unsettingly called "daemons" (which is how Pagans write "demon" -- they are notoriously poor spellers: magick, vampyre, etc.) which is a program that hides in the background, doing things without the user's notice. If you are using a computer running Linux then you probably have these "demons" on your computer, hardly something a good Christian would want! Furthermore in order to start or stop these "demons" a user must execute a command called "finger". By "fingering" a "demon" one excercises an unholy power, much the same way that the Lord of Flies controls his black minions.

Linux contains another Satanic holdover from the "BSD Unix" OS mentioned above; to open up certain locked files one has to run a program much like the DOS prompt in Microsoft Windows and type in a secret code: "chmod 666". What other horrors lurk in this thing?

Consider some of these other Linux commands: "sleep", "mount", "unzip", "strip" and "touch". All highly suggestive in a sexual nature. I know that our Lord cannot approve of these, and I urge them to be renamed to something appropriate to the Christian community. Interestingly "CONTROL-G" (the sixth key from the left of the keyboard) does an abort. To write files a "VI" editor is included. All these are to ensnare the unsuspecting christian who could get tempted by typing "VIVIVI" all day long.

Fourth, Linux uses a flavor of DOS known as Bash. Bash is an acronym for "Bourne Again Shell". On the surface this would appear to be supportive of the Lord. However, remember that even Satan can quote the bible for his own purposes! While I believe Linux may be born-again, its obvious by the misspelling of "born" that its not born-again in an Christian church. Will the lies ever cease?

Additionally, one of the main long-haired hippies involved with the GNU Free Software Foundation supports communism, contraception and abortion. He has consistently supported 60's counter-cultural "values", and his web site even advocates government support of contraception. He also wears fake halos, and has quips about his made-up church that relates to his free software. I find such blasphemy to be extremely unsettling.

One must also remember that the creator of Linux, a college student named Linux Torvaldis, comes from Finland. I'm sure all the followers of Christ are aware of the heritical nature of the Finnish: from necrophilia to human sacrifice, Finnish culture is awash in sin. I find little reason to believe anything good and holy could arise from this evil land.

Finally, let us remember that there is an alternative to using the Satan-powered Linux. I think history has shown us that Microsoft is quite holy. I'm told that its founder, William Gates is a strong supporter of our Lord and I encourage my fellow Christians to buy only his products to help keep the Devil at bay.

I wish I had more time to expound upon my findings. Unfortunately a family of Jews has moved in across the street and I must go speak to them of Jesus Christ before they are condemned to eternal hellfire.

Please investigate this as you see fit and I'm sure you'll reach the same conclusions that I have.

The Linux Gay Conspiracy

[Anonymous Coward]

It has come to my attention that the entire Linux community is a hotbed of so called 'alternative sexuality,' which includes anything from hedonistic orgies to homosexuality to pedophilia.

What better way of demonstrating this than by looking at the hidden messages contained within the names of some of Linux's most outspoken advocates:

• Linus Torvalds [microsoft.com] is an anagram of slit anus or VD 'L,' clearly referring to himself by the first initial.
• Richard M. Stallman [geocities.com], spokespervert for the Gaysex's Not Unusual 'movement' is an anagram of mans cram thrill ad.
• Alan Cox [microsoft.com] is barely an anagram of anal cox which is just so filthy and unchristian it unnerves me.

I'm sure that Eric S. Raymond, composer of the satanic homosexual [goatse.cx] propaganda diatribe The Cathedral and the Bizarre, is probably an anagram of something queer, but we don't need to look that far as we know he's always shoving a gun up some poor little boy's rectum. Update: Eric S. Raymond is actually an anagram for secondary rim and cord in my arse. It just goes to show you that he is indeed queer.

Update the Second: It is also documented that Evil Sicko Gaymond is responsible for a nauseating piece of code called Fetchmail [microsoft.com], which is obviously sinister sodomite slang for 'Felch Male' -- a disgusting practise. For those not in the know, 'felching' is the act performed by two perverts wherein one sucks their own post-coital ejaculate out of the other's rectum. In fact, it appears that the dirty Linux faggots set out to undermine the good Republican institution of e-mail, turning it into 'e-male.'

As far as Richard 'Master' Stallman goes, that filthy fudge-packer was actually quoted [salon.com] on leftist commie propaganda site Salon.com as saying the following: 'I've been resistant to the pressure to conform in any circumstance,' he says. 'It's about being able to question conventional wisdom,' he asserts. 'I believe in love, but not monogamy,' he says plainly.

And this isn't a made up troll bullshit either! He actually stated this tripe, which makes it obvious that he is trying to politely say that he's a flaming homo [comp-u-geek.net] slut [rotten.com]!

Speaking about 'flaming,' who better to point out as a filthy chutney ferret than Slashdot's very own self-confessed pederast Jon Katz. Although an obvious deviant anagram cannot be found from his name, he has already confessed, nay boasted of the homosexual [goatse.cx] perversion of corrupting the innocence of young children [slashdot.org]. To quote from the article linked:

'I've got a rare kidney disease,' I told her. 'I have to go to the bathroom a lot. You can come with me if you want, but it takes a while. Is that okay with you? Do you want a note from my doctor?'

Is this why you were touching your penis [rotten.com] in the cinema, Jon? And letting the other boys touch it too?

We should also point out that Jon Katz refers to himself as 'Slashdot's resident Gasbag.' Is there any more doubt? For those fortunate few who aren't aware of the list of homosexual [goatse.cx] terminology found inside the Linux 'Sauce Code,' a 'Gasbag' is a pervert who gains sexual gratification from having a thin straw inserted into his urethra (or to use the common parlance, 'piss-pipe'), then his

LINUX is obsolete

[__past__]

Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy with LINUX. It will get all the people who want to turn MINIX in BSD UNIX off my back. But in all honesty, I would suggest that people who want a **MODERN** "free" OS look around for a microkernel-based, portable OS, like maybe GNU or something like that.

Andrew Tanenbaum, 1992

Slick Willy (Gates) speaks

[glassesmonkey]

Jim Alchin (Windows OS Chief) on Open-Source: CNET 2/14/2001
"Open source is an intellectual-property destroyer. I can't imagine something that could be worse than this for the software business and the intellectual-property business."

"I'm an American, I believe in the American Way. I worry if the government encourages open source, and I don't think we've done enough education of policymakers to understand the threat."

"We can build a better product than Linux. There is always something enamoring about thinking you can get something for free."

Bill Gates on Linux IP: CRN 7/25/2003
"There's no question that in cloning activities, IP from many, many companies, including Microsoft, is being used in open-source software."

Bill Gates on beating Linux at any price: USA Today 6/30/2003
"Well I'm not sure what you mean by undercutting. We will never have a price lower than Linux, in terms of just what you charge for the software. We compete on the basis of, if you look at the value you get out of the system and the overall cost that the system has that apply in our software.

Bill Gates on standards: CNN 9/18/2003
Gates said the Redmond, Washington-based company's work toward Web services standards would be "royalty free." ... "I can't believe I said that," Gates joked.

Balmer on Linux: E-week
"Can IBM give you a product roadmap for Linux? Can they deliver new features and fixes to Linux? Does it indemnify the intellectual property in Linux? No, no and no,"

If Linux Were A Car

[Ed Almos]

OK, we've all heard the joke about Microsoft being a car and having to press the horn, flash the lights and open the drivers door to reset. I reckon it's about time the tables were turned:

And if Linux was a car:

1) It would come as a kit along with a copy of CAR HOWTO which would be six months out of date.

2) You would also get three steering wheels and five headlights as part of the standard installation then be expected to pick which ones you wanted to use. There would be constant flame wars between the users of leather steering wheels and the users of the plastic variety.

3) Due to its excessive size the car would not fit into a standard car parking bay and it would be up to the new owner to trim bits off until it could fit.

4) The car would not use a standard radio wiring harness unless you patched the engine compartment using WIRING.TAR.GZ which would only be available by download from the manufacturers website.

5) Support for the linux car would be available from either the car manufacturer (after taking out a maintenance contract and paying a fee) or by logging onto alt.linux.car.problems where every request for assistance would be met with 'RTFM !! V4|\|C3D l3e+$peA| i$ whEn J00 +4lK L1K3 t|-|15. t0 u|\|d3r$+@|\|D jOo |\/|u5+ be lEET. 1f J00 4r3 NO+ lEe+ jOO C@|\|N0T 5p3A| 0r ReAd +|-|I5

6) Adding accessories to the car would be a nightmare. For example you could not add a pair of foglights on the front unless you had the following 'libraries' installed in your car.
bumper.lib.1_6_483865
electrics.lib_3_RH_9_ 35
controls.lib.14_6_99
If an attempt to run your foglights without these libraries were to be made (or the libraries were a different version) your foglights MIGHT work but if they didn't there would be no support as the maintainer of electrics.lib_3_RH_9_35 can no longer be found.

7) You could only use your car with a trailer if you rebuilt the engine, this time with support for your model of trailer.

8) Your car would be of doubtful heritage. Parts of the design would be claimed by Novell, other sections would be (C) The Open Linux Group and SCO will lay claim to the whole concept and demand $699 for continued use. One guy in Finland would claim that he designed the whole thing and Richard Stallman would claim that your car is really called GNU Car.

9) Your car would take over five minutes to start. Faster starting methods would be available but be more unreliable, for example the brakes might not work after you start.

10) There would be no warning lights on the car dashboard. All warnings concerning oil, water, lighting and general failures would be written to the /var/log/ directory where the driver and passenger can read them when they pull over and park.

11) Additional storage could be achieved by using a roofrack, but the roofrack would be invisible until the driver issued the command 'mount -t /dev/roofrack /roof'. There would be problems unless the driver used the command 'umount /roof' before unscrewing the roofrack. Not all roofracks would work and some would just come back with the message 'roofrack is not a roof device' when issued with the mount command (and still remain invisible).

Any more ?

Ed Almos

Re:If Linux Were A Car

[Brandybuck]

Obligatory FreeBSD FanBoy post (purely in jest):

1) You still need the CAR HOWTO, but at least it's up to date.

2) Yeah, you still need to choose a steering wheel. If you want though, you can just clamp a couple of channel-lock pliers onto the steering column.

3) Fits into any garage. Heck, fits into most walkin closets. Won't fit in a doghouse though.

4) Uses the standard radio wiring harness. Unfortunately, most radios have wires three inches too short to reach the plugs.

5) Support available for a price, or free at the "We invented RTFM" Old Fart Channel.

6) Accessories are easy to add via the port-accessory system, but very timeconsuming. Most accessories have funny little penguin logos on them.

7) Trailer hitches are included as loadable modules, but only a few models are available.

8) Car is of fine pedigreed heritage. Unfortunately, that pedigree is "Studebaker".

9) Car takes 30 seconds to start. It's turning on the radio that takes five minutes.

10) Warnings dutifully logged to the console. You do drive with the hood up so you can actually see the console, right?

11) There's an autoroofrackmounterd, but it's a pain to set up. You could do put up the roofrack by hand, but only the registered owner of the vehicle is allowed to.

...and...

12) Available with stylish KDE and GNOME exteriors, but people will still think it's a hearse.

Linux Sucks

[Anonymous Coward]

This past year, I was accepted into Carnegie Mellon's School of Computer
Science. It has been a remarkable experience that I would like to share with
the Slashdot community. Here's an account of my experience.

Week 1, Sunday: I moved in today. My roommate, a sophomore CS student, had
already moved in two days before me. The floor is already completely covered
with garbage. He also smells. I think he might be gay too. He's already asked
me if I like the color he painted his toenails. This should be interesting. I
am almost completely settled in. Techno music is playing in every room in every
floor of my dorm. There are computers and other types of trash out in the
common areas. What a mess. Tomorrow, I am going to go sign up to get my network
connection.

Week 1, Monday: I got hooked up to the CMU network today! I jacked into the
network, only to find that the hostname and address assigned to me were
colliding with another system. I'll just increment the network numbers a few
times. I am really eager to get on.

Week 1, Tuesday: I am still looking for a free IP address. Can't anybody here
properly configure their systems?

Week 1, Friday: I finally found a free IP! It's mine! You sons of bitches can't
have it, I found it, I keep it, it's mine! To hell with all of you! Head hurts
really bad. I've slowly been developing a headache since I first arrived.
Everywhere I look there are these Lucent Technologies wireless access points. I
wonder if that's the problem.

Week 1, Saturday: I sat down at my computer today. My desktop wallpaper is now
the goatse.cx guy. Pleasant. Scattered over every directory on my C: drive are
thousands, possibly millions, of files titled "J00AR30WN3DBITCH-phj33r-" and
then some random hacker's name. Don't these people have lives? Maybe they need
laid or something. It'd take days to clean this out. I mentioned to my roommate
that I needed to reinstall Windows, and immediately he jumped up and shouted:
"NO! Do NOT use Windows!" Suddenly, two dozen other guys (all of them possibly
homosexuals) appeared at the door, each touting an operating system called
Linux. Half of them got into a fight over which was better, Debian, RedHat,
Slackware, and a bunch of others I couldn't recognize. Some kid who appeared to
not have showered since he was born was touting "Linux From Scratch", saying
that only losers used pre-made distros. A crowd of people in the back kept
quiet about how I'd be sorry if I used Linux instead of BSD on the network. Who
the fuck are these people? Classes start next week. Hope I have my computer
working so I can do my assignments.

Week 3, Friday: People are still trying to get Linux to work on my system. They
keep telling my that my hardware sucks. We go through about four or five
distributions a day. Every now and then, I notice a little devil on my screen.
Stickers for every of these distributions have been plastered on my case.
Suddenly, my room stinks a lot more with these people in here. I ask them why
they never shower, and the usual response is something along the lines of
"showering is like rebooting" and "I don't want to lose my uptime."

Week 3, Saturday: There's a troop of men running naked in a circle around
McGill Hall. I am not even going to ask.

Week 4, Wednesday: Linux is FINALLY working on my computer! I have a pretty
slick desktop too. I think I might like this. I can finally work in my room
instead of the labs, although considering the every increasing layer of garbage
on the floor...

Week 4, Thursday: My computer flashes messages about how I am "0WNX0RED" and
how I should "PHJ33R" whoever and how "L4MEX0R" I am for having an insecure
box. A kid suggests we reinstall Linux after discovering about 17 rootkits.

Week 5, Friday: Someone got BSD working on my computer. I wonder if this will
last. The stress has been building and I forgot to take a shower this morning.

Terrorism

[bconway]

Linux: A response to the perceived threat of a capitalistic monopoly.
Terrorism: A response to the perceived threat of a capitalist society.

Linux: Supported by a devout group of fanatics dedicated to the cause.
Terrorism: Supported by a devout group of fanatics dedicated to the cause.

Linux: Seen by the rest of the world as a "fringe" operating system.
Terrorism: Seen by the rest of the world as a "fringe" group.

Linux: Attractive to those looking to destroy Microsoft and the software industry.
Terrorism: Attractive to those looking to destroy the USA and the rest of the infidels.

Linux: Recruits loners and outcasts into its loyal user-base.
Terrorism: Recruits loners and outcasts into its training camps.

Linux: Drew vast amounts of funding from supporters, with only ideological returns.
Terrorism: Drew vast amounts of funding from supporters, with only ideological returns.

LINUX is obsolete

[sICE]

I still maintain the point that designing a monolithic kernel in 1991 is a fundamental error. Be thankful you are not my student. You would not get a high grade for such a design :-)

-- Andy Tanenbaum (to Linus Torvalds in the LINUX is obsolete thread)

Here are some

[MrHanky]

Old, but good:

Linux is i386 only. It is not portable to other platforms, like MIPS, Alpha, PPC, etc. Windows NT is a modern, portable 32 bit operating system.

Linux does not support SMP. The Linux hackers are just kids with too much time on their hands, and they will never be able to afford serious hardware.

Linux is obsolete. The monolithic kernel is a joke, and will never scale past the level of a play-thing. In a couple of years, most people will run the GNU Hurd on 64 bit Sparc CPUs.

I can probably come up with some that are still true, but right now I'm too tired. Oh yes: The Gentoo Linux Installation Manual is sure to create some Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt among those who want to look into Linux as a replacement for their pre-installed Windows.

Microsoft's Linux Myths page

[ccady]

Microsoft's Linux Myths page

Megan McArdle

[brennz]

link

Remember everyone, she is a "technology consultant"....

"I have to admit that I was never much of a believer in open source. Maybe my business school coursework rendered me blind to the glorious vision of a "gift culture" in which people contribute their work to a decentralized development project like Linux for honor instead of money. Or possibly I'm just too thick to understand how cutting off a multi-billion dollar revenue stream from software sales, without putting anything else in its place, could be good for the software business."

"The outcome of the Windows/Mac showdown seems to indicate that the company that owns the corporate desktop owns the marketplace."

"Those who saw open source as the inevitable revolution concentrated only on the value propositions that Linux could offer on price and performance. They weren't paying as much attention to other considerations, such as indemnity, that might be even more important than performance to the marketplace, because after all, what open source developers are good at (and interested in) is technological revolution, not liability planning and insurance premiums."

Re:LINUX RULEZ!!!!

[BigBlockMopar]

if you use micro$hit winblows ur probably a FAG and like to have sex wit hMENS BUTTS!!!!1

It's interesting to note that a lot of Linux was written by European developers. Europeans tend to be more accepting of gay and lesbian people than North Americans.

Open Source Software May Offer Target for Terroris

[__past__]

From http://www.adti.net/html_files/defense/opensource_ pressrelease_05_30_2002.html. Unfortunatly, the "study" itself is no more available.

Thursday May 30, 12:29 pm Eastern Time
Press Release
SOURCE: Alexis de Tocqueville Institution

Open Source Software May Offer Target for Terrorists, According to Study by Alexis de Tocqueville Institution's Committee for the Common Defense

WASHINGTON--(BUSINESS WIRE)--May 30, 2002--Terrorists trying to hack or disrupt U.S. computer networks might find it easier if the federal government attempts to switch to "open source" as some groups propose.

"Opening the Open Source Debate", a soon to be released white paper by Alexis de Tocqueville Institution details the complex issues surrounding open source, particularly if federal agencies such as the Department of Defense or the Federal Aviation Administration use software that inherently requires that its blueprints, source code and architecture is made widely available to any person interested - without discretion.

In a paper to be released next week, the Alexis de Tocqueville Institution outlines how open source might facilitate efforts to disrupt or sabotage electronic commerce, air traffic control or even sensitive surveillance systems.

Unlike proprietary software, open source software does not make the underlying code of a software confidential.

"Computer systems are the backbone of U.S. national security", says Fossedal, chairman of the Alexis de Tocqueville Institution and its Committee for the Common Defense, which will release the study. "Before the Pentagon and other federal agencies make uninformed decision to alter the very foundation of computer security, they should study the potential consequences carefully."

Contact:
Alexis de Tocqueville Institution
Ken Brown, 202/548-0006

kenbrown@adti.net
www.adti.net

How many Linux users to screw in a light bulb?

[crisco]

Since this is turning into a jokefest I'll repost something I sent to the LVLUG:

Someone posted a Microsoft centric How many X does it take to screw in a light bulb so I thought I'd find some Linux ones and post them. I couldn't find any (didn't look real hard though) and so came up with my own (slightly lame) list. Can anyone add to it? Is there a page full of these that I missed?

How many Linux users to screw in a light bulb?

One to say that on Linux their light bulbs never burn out.
Another to say that they don't use light bulbs with Linux, they like waving their hands around in the dark better.
One to find light_bulb_0.4.12.rpm
One to say "you should be using light_bulb.i386.0.4.12.rpm
One to solve the dependancy on light_socket.1.0.2.lib.so and
light_switch.2.1.0.lib.so
One to suggest using Debian, they wouldn't have dependancy problems in the first place.
Another to suggest Mandrake, cause with Debian they wouldn't have gotten the wiring installed in the first place.
Another to suggest Gentoo, where he just types "emerge light_bulb".
Another to complain that with Gentoo he'd be waiting around for light all weekend.
One to suggest waiting around for next month's user group meeting where everyone could help screw in the light bulb.
One who says candle_3.2 works just fine for him and doesn't see why light_bulb is worth all the trouble.
One to start the HOWTO (credit User FWC)

Re:A prof's trials with Linux

[SQLz]

The only real points you made were:

1. redhat sucks
2. your a shitty professor

We all knew #1 already, #2 I was pretty easy to figure out as well.