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Compiling a List of Funny Anti-Linux FUD?
An anonymous reader writes "I am in the process of trying to compile a list of at least 100 anti-Linux FUD statements, preferrably the ones that came from one of the big-shots in the computer industry. I am planning to use it in a multimedia project of mine. I did some searching on the net, including Slashdot, but the information overload has slowed my progress down to a crawl. Could you please assist me in compiling such a list?"
OK, we've all heard the joke about Microsoft being a car and having to press the horn, flash the lights and open the drivers door to reset. I reckon it's about time the tables were turned:
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/var/log/ directory where the driver and passenger can read them when they pull over and park.
/dev/roofrack /roof'. There would be problems unless the driver used the command 'umount /roof' before unscrewing the roofrack. Not all roofracks would work and some would just come back with the message 'roofrack is not a roof device' when issued with the mount command (and still remain invisible).
And if Linux was a car:
1) It would come as a kit along with a copy of CAR HOWTO which would be six months out of date.
2) You would also get three steering wheels and five headlights as part of the standard installation then be expected to pick which ones you wanted to use. There would be constant flame wars between the users of leather steering wheels and the users of the plastic variety.
3) Due to its excessive size the car would not fit into a standard car parking bay and it would be up to the new owner to trim bits off until it could fit.
4) The car would not use a standard radio wiring harness unless you patched the engine compartment using WIRING.TAR.GZ which would only be available by download from the manufacturers website.
5) Support for the linux car would be available from either the car manufacturer (after taking out a maintenance contract and paying a fee) or by logging onto alt.linux.car.problems where every request for assistance would be met with 'RTFM !! V4|\|C3D l3e+$peA| i$ whEn J00 +4lK L1K3 t|-|15. t0 u|\|d3r$+@|\|D jOo |\/|u5+ be lEET. 1f J00 4r3 NO+ lEe+ jOO C@|\|N0T 5p3A| 0r ReAd +|-|I5
6) Adding accessories to the car would be a nightmare. For example you could not add a pair of foglights on the front unless you had the following 'libraries' installed in your car.
bumper.lib.1_6_483865
electrics.lib_3_RH_9
controls.lib.14_6_99
If an attempt to run your foglights without these libraries were to be made (or the libraries were a different version) your foglights MIGHT work but if they didn't there would be no support as the maintainer of electrics.lib_3_RH_9_35 can no longer be found.
7) You could only use your car with a trailer if you rebuilt the engine, this time with support for your model of trailer.
8) Your car would be of doubtful heritage. Parts of the design would be claimed by Novell, other sections would be (C) The Open Linux Group and SCO will lay claim to the whole concept and demand $699 for continued use. One guy in Finland would claim that he designed the whole thing and Richard Stallman would claim that your car is really called GNU Car.
9) Your car would take over five minutes to start. Faster starting methods would be available but be more unreliable, for example the brakes might not work after you start.
10) There would be no warning lights on the car dashboard. All warnings concerning oil, water, lighting and general failures would be written to the
11) Additional storage could be achieved by using a roofrack, but the roofrack would be invisible until the driver issued the command 'mount -t
Any more ?
Ed Almos
The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws. - Tacitus, 56-120 A.D.
This past year, I was accepted into Carnegie Mellon's School of Computer
Science. It has been a remarkable experience that I would like to share with
the Slashdot community. Here's an account of my experience.
Week 1, Sunday: I moved in today. My roommate, a sophomore CS student, had
already moved in two days before me. The floor is already completely covered
with garbage. He also smells. I think he might be gay too. He's already asked
me if I like the color he painted his toenails. This should be interesting. I
am almost completely settled in. Techno music is playing in every room in every
floor of my dorm. There are computers and other types of trash out in the
common areas. What a mess. Tomorrow, I am going to go sign up to get my network
connection.
Week 1, Monday: I got hooked up to the CMU network today! I jacked into the
network, only to find that the hostname and address assigned to me were
colliding with another system. I'll just increment the network numbers a few
times. I am really eager to get on.
Week 1, Tuesday: I am still looking for a free IP address. Can't anybody here
properly configure their systems?
Week 1, Friday: I finally found a free IP! It's mine! You sons of bitches can't
have it, I found it, I keep it, it's mine! To hell with all of you! Head hurts
really bad. I've slowly been developing a headache since I first arrived.
Everywhere I look there are these Lucent Technologies wireless access points. I
wonder if that's the problem.
Week 1, Saturday: I sat down at my computer today. My desktop wallpaper is now
the goatse.cx guy. Pleasant. Scattered over every directory on my C: drive are
thousands, possibly millions, of files titled "J00AR30WN3DBITCH-phj33r-" and
then some random hacker's name. Don't these people have lives? Maybe they need
laid or something. It'd take days to clean this out. I mentioned to my roommate
that I needed to reinstall Windows, and immediately he jumped up and shouted:
"NO! Do NOT use Windows!" Suddenly, two dozen other guys (all of them possibly
homosexuals) appeared at the door, each touting an operating system called
Linux. Half of them got into a fight over which was better, Debian, RedHat,
Slackware, and a bunch of others I couldn't recognize. Some kid who appeared to
not have showered since he was born was touting "Linux From Scratch", saying
that only losers used pre-made distros. A crowd of people in the back kept
quiet about how I'd be sorry if I used Linux instead of BSD on the network. Who
the fuck are these people? Classes start next week. Hope I have my computer
working so I can do my assignments.
Week 3, Friday: People are still trying to get Linux to work on my system. They
keep telling my that my hardware sucks. We go through about four or five
distributions a day. Every now and then, I notice a little devil on my screen.
Stickers for every of these distributions have been plastered on my case.
Suddenly, my room stinks a lot more with these people in here. I ask them why
they never shower, and the usual response is something along the lines of
"showering is like rebooting" and "I don't want to lose my uptime."
Week 3, Saturday: There's a troop of men running naked in a circle around
McGill Hall. I am not even going to ask.
Week 4, Wednesday: Linux is FINALLY working on my computer! I have a pretty
slick desktop too. I think I might like this. I can finally work in my room
instead of the labs, although considering the every increasing layer of garbage
on the floor...
Week 4, Thursday: My computer flashes messages about how I am "0WNX0RED" and
how I should "PHJ33R" whoever and how "L4MEX0R" I am for having an insecure
box. A kid suggests we reinstall Linux after discovering about 17 rootkits.
Week 5, Friday: Someone got BSD working on my computer. I wonder if this will
last. The stress has been building and I forgot to take a shower this morning.