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Compiling a List of Funny Anti-Linux FUD?
An anonymous reader writes "I am in the process of trying to compile a list of at least 100 anti-Linux FUD statements, preferrably the ones that came from one of the big-shots in the computer industry. I am planning to use it in a multimedia project of mine. I did some searching on the net, including Slashdot, but the information overload has slowed my progress down to a crawl. Could you please assist me in compiling such a list?"
Hello,
Recently I've been introduced to an operating system known as Linux.
Lured by its low cost, I replaced Windows 98 on my computer with Linux. Unfortunately the more I use it the more I fear that this "Linux" may be an insidious way for the Dark One to gain a stronger foothold here on Earth. I know this may be a shocking claim, but I have evidence to back it up!
To begin with, Linux is based off of an older, obsolete OS called "BSD Unix". The child-indoctrinatingly-cute cartoon mascot of this OS is a devil holding a pitchfork. This OS -- and its Linux offspring -- extensively use what are unsettingly called "daemons" (which is how Pagans write "demon" -- they are notoriously poor spellers: magick, vampyre, etc.) which is a program that hides in the background, doing things without the user's notice. If you are using a computer running Linux then you probably have these "demons" on your computer, hardly something a good Christian would want! Furthermore in order to start or stop these "demons" a user must execute a command called "finger". By "fingering" a "demon" one excercises an unholy power, much the same way that the Lord of Flies controls his black minions.
Linux contains another Satanic holdover from the "BSD Unix" OS mentioned above; to open up certain locked files one has to run a program much like the DOS prompt in Microsoft Windows and type in a secret code: "chmod 666". What other horrors lurk in this thing?
Consider some of these other Linux commands: "sleep", "mount", "unzip", "strip" and "touch". All highly suggestive in a sexual nature. I know that our Lord cannot approve of these, and I urge them to be renamed to something appropriate to the Christian community. Interestingly "CONTROL-G" (the sixth key from the left of the keyboard) does an abort. To write files a "VI" editor is included. All these are to ensnare the unsuspecting christian who could get tempted by typing "VIVIVI" all day long.
Fourth, Linux uses a flavor of DOS known as Bash. Bash is an acronym for "Bourne Again Shell". On the surface this would appear to be supportive of the Lord. However, remember that even Satan can quote the bible for his own purposes! While I believe Linux may be born-again, its obvious by the misspelling of "born" that its not born-again in an Christian church. Will the lies ever cease?
Additionally, one of the main long-haired hippies involved with the GNU Free Software Foundation supports communism, contraception and abortion. He has consistently supported 60's counter-cultural "values", and his web site even advocates government support of contraception. He also wears fake halos, and has quips about his made-up church that relates to his free software. I find such blasphemy to be extremely unsettling.
One must also remember that the creator of Linux, a college student named Linux Torvaldis, comes from Finland. I'm sure all the followers of Christ are aware of the heritical nature of the Finnish: from necrophilia to human sacrifice, Finnish culture is awash in sin. I find little reason to believe anything good and holy could arise from this evil land.
Finally, let us remember that there is an alternative to using the Satan-powered Linux. I think history has shown us that Microsoft is quite holy. I'm told that its founder, William Gates is a strong supporter of our Lord and I encourage my fellow Christians to buy only his products to help keep the Devil at bay.
I wish I had more time to expound upon my findings. Unfortunately a family of Jews has moved in across the street and I must go speak to them of Jesus Christ before they are condemned to eternal hellfire.
Please investigate this as you see fit and I'm sure you'll reach the same conclusions that I have.
Programming can be fun again. Film at 11.
Jim Alchin (Windows OS Chief) on Open-Source: CNET 2/14/2001
... "I can't believe I said that," Gates joked.
"Open source is an intellectual-property destroyer. I can't imagine something that could be worse than this for the software business and the intellectual-property business."
"I'm an American, I believe in the American Way. I worry if the government encourages open source, and I don't think we've done enough education of policymakers to understand the threat."
"We can build a better product than Linux. There is always something enamoring about thinking you can get something for free."
Bill Gates on Linux IP: CRN 7/25/2003
"There's no question that in cloning activities, IP from many, many companies, including Microsoft, is being used in open-source software."
Bill Gates on beating Linux at any price: USA Today 6/30/2003
"Well I'm not sure what you mean by undercutting. We will never have a price lower than Linux, in terms of just what you charge for the software. We compete on the basis of, if you look at the value you get out of the system and the overall cost that the system has that apply in our software.
Bill Gates on standards: CNN 9/18/2003
Gates said the Redmond, Washington-based company's work toward Web services standards would be "royalty free."
Balmer on Linux: E-week
"Can IBM give you a product roadmap for Linux? Can they deliver new features and fixes to Linux? Does it indemnify the intellectual property in Linux? No, no and no,"
OK, we've all heard the joke about Microsoft being a car and having to press the horn, flash the lights and open the drivers door to reset. I reckon it's about time the tables were turned:
_ 35
/var/log/ directory where the driver and passenger can read them when they pull over and park.
/dev/roofrack /roof'. There would be problems unless the driver used the command 'umount /roof' before unscrewing the roofrack. Not all roofracks would work and some would just come back with the message 'roofrack is not a roof device' when issued with the mount command (and still remain invisible).
And if Linux was a car:
1) It would come as a kit along with a copy of CAR HOWTO which would be six months out of date.
2) You would also get three steering wheels and five headlights as part of the standard installation then be expected to pick which ones you wanted to use. There would be constant flame wars between the users of leather steering wheels and the users of the plastic variety.
3) Due to its excessive size the car would not fit into a standard car parking bay and it would be up to the new owner to trim bits off until it could fit.
4) The car would not use a standard radio wiring harness unless you patched the engine compartment using WIRING.TAR.GZ which would only be available by download from the manufacturers website.
5) Support for the linux car would be available from either the car manufacturer (after taking out a maintenance contract and paying a fee) or by logging onto alt.linux.car.problems where every request for assistance would be met with 'RTFM !! V4|\|C3D l3e+$peA| i$ whEn J00 +4lK L1K3 t|-|15. t0 u|\|d3r$+@|\|D jOo |\/|u5+ be lEET. 1f J00 4r3 NO+ lEe+ jOO C@|\|N0T 5p3A| 0r ReAd +|-|I5
6) Adding accessories to the car would be a nightmare. For example you could not add a pair of foglights on the front unless you had the following 'libraries' installed in your car.
bumper.lib.1_6_483865
electrics.lib_3_RH_9
controls.lib.14_6_99
If an attempt to run your foglights without these libraries were to be made (or the libraries were a different version) your foglights MIGHT work but if they didn't there would be no support as the maintainer of electrics.lib_3_RH_9_35 can no longer be found.
7) You could only use your car with a trailer if you rebuilt the engine, this time with support for your model of trailer.
8) Your car would be of doubtful heritage. Parts of the design would be claimed by Novell, other sections would be (C) The Open Linux Group and SCO will lay claim to the whole concept and demand $699 for continued use. One guy in Finland would claim that he designed the whole thing and Richard Stallman would claim that your car is really called GNU Car.
9) Your car would take over five minutes to start. Faster starting methods would be available but be more unreliable, for example the brakes might not work after you start.
10) There would be no warning lights on the car dashboard. All warnings concerning oil, water, lighting and general failures would be written to the
11) Additional storage could be achieved by using a roofrack, but the roofrack would be invisible until the driver issued the command 'mount -t
Any more ?
Ed Almos
The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws. - Tacitus, 56-120 A.D.
This past year, I was accepted into Carnegie Mellon's School of Computer
Science. It has been a remarkable experience that I would like to share with
the Slashdot community. Here's an account of my experience.
Week 1, Sunday: I moved in today. My roommate, a sophomore CS student, had
already moved in two days before me. The floor is already completely covered
with garbage. He also smells. I think he might be gay too. He's already asked
me if I like the color he painted his toenails. This should be interesting. I
am almost completely settled in. Techno music is playing in every room in every
floor of my dorm. There are computers and other types of trash out in the
common areas. What a mess. Tomorrow, I am going to go sign up to get my network
connection.
Week 1, Monday: I got hooked up to the CMU network today! I jacked into the
network, only to find that the hostname and address assigned to me were
colliding with another system. I'll just increment the network numbers a few
times. I am really eager to get on.
Week 1, Tuesday: I am still looking for a free IP address. Can't anybody here
properly configure their systems?
Week 1, Friday: I finally found a free IP! It's mine! You sons of bitches can't
have it, I found it, I keep it, it's mine! To hell with all of you! Head hurts
really bad. I've slowly been developing a headache since I first arrived.
Everywhere I look there are these Lucent Technologies wireless access points. I
wonder if that's the problem.
Week 1, Saturday: I sat down at my computer today. My desktop wallpaper is now
the goatse.cx guy. Pleasant. Scattered over every directory on my C: drive are
thousands, possibly millions, of files titled "J00AR30WN3DBITCH-phj33r-" and
then some random hacker's name. Don't these people have lives? Maybe they need
laid or something. It'd take days to clean this out. I mentioned to my roommate
that I needed to reinstall Windows, and immediately he jumped up and shouted:
"NO! Do NOT use Windows!" Suddenly, two dozen other guys (all of them possibly
homosexuals) appeared at the door, each touting an operating system called
Linux. Half of them got into a fight over which was better, Debian, RedHat,
Slackware, and a bunch of others I couldn't recognize. Some kid who appeared to
not have showered since he was born was touting "Linux From Scratch", saying
that only losers used pre-made distros. A crowd of people in the back kept
quiet about how I'd be sorry if I used Linux instead of BSD on the network. Who
the fuck are these people? Classes start next week. Hope I have my computer
working so I can do my assignments.
Week 3, Friday: People are still trying to get Linux to work on my system. They
keep telling my that my hardware sucks. We go through about four or five
distributions a day. Every now and then, I notice a little devil on my screen.
Stickers for every of these distributions have been plastered on my case.
Suddenly, my room stinks a lot more with these people in here. I ask them why
they never shower, and the usual response is something along the lines of
"showering is like rebooting" and "I don't want to lose my uptime."
Week 3, Saturday: There's a troop of men running naked in a circle around
McGill Hall. I am not even going to ask.
Week 4, Wednesday: Linux is FINALLY working on my computer! I have a pretty
slick desktop too. I think I might like this. I can finally work in my room
instead of the labs, although considering the every increasing layer of garbage
on the floor...
Week 4, Thursday: My computer flashes messages about how I am "0WNX0RED" and
how I should "PHJ33R" whoever and how "L4MEX0R" I am for having an insecure
box. A kid suggests we reinstall Linux after discovering about 17 rootkits.
Week 5, Friday: Someone got BSD working on my computer. I wonder if this will
last. The stress has been building and I forgot to take a shower this morning.