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Train Your Own Replacement
An anonymous reader writes "Yahoo reports on how some employers are asking the workers they're laying off to train their foreign replacements - having them dig their own unemployment graves. 'Almost one in five information technology workers has lost a job or knows someone who lost a job after training a foreign worker, according to a new survey by the Washington Alliance of Technology Workers.' It looks like a real dilemma where if you refuse to hire your replacement, you are fired without severance and are ineligible for unemployment benefits, and if you quit, you don't receive severance and are ineligible for unemployment."
Sorry, it's not in my job description.
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
I don't have to worry about 'training' my replacement.
How do you introduce yourself in a situation like that? "Hi Apu, how are ya? They're outsourcing me to...you!"
Help protect civil rights from abuse by the TSA - visit TSA News Blog.
http://www.tsanewsblog.com
Cmon people...Start Training the BOFH way!
BOFH: "In order to make sure that your computer is operating at its full capacity, you must daily feed your monitor water whilst holding down the degauss button".
Trainee over phone:" Sir, this is no problem.." ***BZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzTTttttttttttttt***
BOFH: "Next trainee. I'm going to like being replaced".
Sig it.
Step two: train your trainee to be incompetent.
Step three: laugh at the karmic justice of them firing you for being expensive and getting a useless employee in return.
Step four: read the classified ads and fail to find a new job.
At least both you and the company are screwed.
EVERYDAY IS CATURDAY
Fine! But Rasheed is not getting my red stapler!...
"All great things are simple & expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope." --Churchill
Rules for my job.
1.) All code must be placed on a single line.
2.) No comments are necessary...they take up space.
3.) When in doubt, use a com object reptitively.
4.) When in doubt, abbreviate. getFormName, should be: getFormName.
5.) Safe threading is for cowards. Let the threads duke it out...Its the manly way.
6.) Try not to use "if" or "for" statements. They take too much time.
Sig it.
Your replacement trains you!
Yep. Get them started on reading Slashdot their first day.
CVS? Nah, we tried that but it didn't work. We're using visual source safe now.
Ok, first you model everything down each class and method level in UML, then you apply the elaboration bongfizzle according to rational unified process...
We're targeting this release to run on the Longhorn codebase...
I'm sorry, but you must adhere to the *letter* of the EJB spec. That means you cannot use java.io.*, cannot have worker threads, no socket communication, scheduled events, or application lifecycle events.
You absolutely must check in everything before you go home at the end of the day. That way you don't lose anything if your workstation dies. Build failures? No problem, someone will fix it before you get in the next day.
You can start coding as soon as you acquire linux licenses from SCO...
Remain calm! All is well!
In this job market? That's like being thrown out of the plane without a parachute, and failing to grab the "mixed drink umbrella" at the door.
There are those that will claim it's "better than nothing" and you shouldn't pass up the chance to grab one, but really, be honest. How much good can it possibly do you?
Like our acceptance of public masturbation.
Remember the phrase 'slow learner'? well if your on the payroll to teach your replacement, and your worried that mis-training them will get you in to trouble, just remember the phrase 'slow teacher'! you could spend a whole year just teaching someone, very very very slowly and extra extra carefully, every single detail of your system until they kill themselves out of bordem. Then you can get started on the next one ;)
This comment does not represent the views or opinions of the user.
I can't answer the thing about the mixed-drink umbrella, but I bet McGyver could....
...
step 5 call in a tip to your local Business Software Alliance to the suspected Software piracy that is happening in the company... and then cal OSHA about the unsafe working conditions, finally the Local city inspectors about the "improvements" made without a permit 2 months ago...
That will cost the company at least $5000.00 in fines, and will make all management's life hell for at least 3 weeks.
Oh and I dont care what your company does, you do not leave a BSA audit woughot a settlement or fine. same for OSHA...
Do not look at laser with remaining good eye.
Tax CREDITS for employers, equal to 1.5 times their payroll that is made up of US citizens or those with permanent residency (ie: "green card") to apply to the corporate tax.
The corporate tax is a farce anyway, it's not REAL revenue to the government, as it is treated as an EXPENSE that comes out of the pockets of other taxpayers who are customers or employees of the corporation.
This would level the playing field because it would INCENTIVIZE companies to use US labor (and all those extra paychecks would easily make up for the tax revenue lost), and it would allow existing companies to play by today's rules if they so choose.
It would also incentivize higher salaries, as the more a company pays their employees, the greater their tax savings!
I really think this is a great idea, but I have no clue as to how to try to get it to someone's attention who can do something about it.
Corporatism != Free Market
6.) Try not to use "if" or "for" statements. They take too much time.
Agreed, better to replace them with "if" then "goto" statements...
Setting defrag to run on all employees computer at midafternoon. Daily.
Enforce the strictest of password protocols and refuse to let employees write their passwords down. (For security reasons)
Keep all ports open on the firewall. The more ports that are open, the more openings for data to flow through!
To save bandwidth when sending large documents, only type a short message like "Here is the document you requested!". Make sure not to patch Outlook before you do this since patches slow things down.
For security reasons, keep the wireless router locked in a metal cabinet.
Those are just some of the many ways to make sure your training leaves a lasting impression on the company that once helped put food on your table.
Outdoor digital photography, mostly in New Engl
1) Show up 5 minutes late after parking in a good spot.
....come back 5 minutes late and leave 5 minutes early.
2) Stop by the watercooler/coffee machine.
3) Say hello to all the coworkers that your cool with before taking your seat.
4) Before taking your seat make it look like you just came from the toilet and were not late so the boss doesn't hassle you.
5) Check your e-mail minus any company memos.
6) Start working on something important.
7) If you can't find anything to do then act like your working.
8)Lunch time
9) Get back to work for real this time.
10) Check e-mail again and delete those company memos.
11) Talk to coworkers about the latest rumors and other bullshit.
12) Time to go home.
Quick, name a job that doesn't take a few days for someone to at least feel that he could take over your job given that you have the same academic education?
Professional boxer. Rodeo bull rider. Riverboat gambler. Assassin.
You don't understand the nightmare of a creation I have made. A 1600 line indows batch file that operates in both command line and prompted input modes which calls another 10 or so batch files (total of 5000 lines or so) to automate Visual Studio project builds.
I can GoTo like the day is long baby!
jason
I'm pretty sure this must be a late April Fools Joke. I've never seen any evidence anyone working customer support in India has ever been trained by anybody.
@de_machina
Alternatively, can you get something from your boss that will be useful to you?
Yeah, a whole bunch of hardware to sell on eBay is a good start!
What you don't hear about is the less-than-great men who forgot to stop it.
Yours Sincerely, Michael.
Why yes, my login name is rm -R *. It was my mother's maiden name.
"If you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American Way." - Homer J.
Old Employee "Hello I'm the guy currently doing the job you will be doing."
New Employee "Ok"
Old "See this big 'Do not press' button? Push it once and hour on the hour"
New "Whats it do?"
Old (under breath) "Turns off every server in the building"
New "What? I can't hear you"
Old "Oh it just keeps everything working."
(under breath) "When you don't push it"
New "I see" (inspects button)
Old "Any questions"
New "Yes.. Can I get a job recomenation?"
Old (stunned) "Ummm why would you need that?"
New "Becouse I really don't believe I'll be working here long."
Old "And what makes you think that?"
New guy pushes red button leaves old guy to take blame
New yelling back "Ohh nothing"
I don't actually exist.
If someone off-shore wants my lousy job, they can have it. Good luck, pal!
sounds like this guy.
Then they still need to be trained, duh. Those blocks won't line up on their own.
t
I just write my code with variables and files named after evil Indian gods, cow parts, and Indian cuss words.
Table-ized A.I.
"What? You think I told him to destroy the network? The guy doesn't even speak English--what did you expect?" Yes, it's cruel and unfair--but that's what makes our country great.
They would have to, after the training I would give them...
...and he grinned, like a fox eating shit out of a wire brush.
Or you could try repeating that bit of blackmail that Kevin Spacey's character managed in American Beauty. Run out of the bosses office with your mascara a bit runny, buttoning up your shirt, making sure someone sees you. Doesn't matter that you both might be beard wearing, pizza eating, coke drinking dorks with 50" waiste lines. A good lawyer should be able to come through for you!
Reminds me of stories about the db programmer who had special hooks in the code to handle cases such as when his name was deleted from the company roles.
"Provided by the management for your protection."
I'm guessing that Wally gets paid more than you as well. That's because you're a whiner, dear.
If you were blocking sigs, you wouldn't have to read this.