Slashdot Mirror
The Illiteracy of Corporate American E-Mail
Dave writes "There is a pretty amusing/sad article about functional illiteracy when it comes to professional e-mails. Some of the samples are just ridiculous."
← Back to Stories (view on slashdot.org)
Mox
Funny this story being on Slashdot. If email had editors, maybe they wouldn't be so bad.
See what happens when you stop saying mass in Latin.
"brxref
No, it is not.
The subject line email:
Subject: COULD YOU SEND ME THAT MEMO
Body: (empty)
"1 NeED HeLp," 54Id +H3 MEs54G3, whiCh w4$ Dev01d oph PuNC+UA+ion. "1 am WR1+1nG @ e$$4Y 0n wRI+iN9 I W0Rk ph0R TH1$ C0mp4nY @nd my 8O5s W4N+ me +0 h3lP IMpR0V3 tEh w0rKer$ WRItin9 5K1ll5 c4n y4ll H3lp me w1TH $0m3 InpHoRm4+I0N +h@nK y0U".
HuNdR3d5 0Ph 1NkWIR1ES Phrom m4n49ER5 AND EXECU+iveS 5E3K1NG To 1MPR0vE Th31R 0WNZOR oR +HEiR woRKeR$' wRi+1N9 pOp In+O HOG4N'$ 80XoR In-B45K3T E4cH mONth, He 5AY5, D3SCRIBIn9 4 nUMb3r +H4+ H@S $uRg3D @5 3-M4IL H45 R3Pl4C3D +He pHoN3 PHor mUCH WORkPLac3 COmMuNiCaT1ON. mIll1On$ 0Ph 3MPLOY33S Mu5+ WR1Te M0RE FR3kWentLY 0n teH J0b +h@N pr3VI0u5lY. 4ND ManY @r3 M@k1nG 4 h4$h Of 1t.
"E-m@1L 1$ 4 PArTY +0 wHIch eNgLI$H TE4Ch3R5 H4VE NO+ BEEn 1nvIt3D," HO94n $41d. "it HA$ C0Mp4Nie5 +34riNG +h3ir h@1r oU+."
@ REc3nt SUrV3y Of 120 4MER1C4n COrp0r4T10NS RE4CHeD 4 5IMIl@r coNCLu51On. +HE $TUdY, by +3H N@+I0n@L cOMM1$$Ion On WR1tInG, 4 p4N3L 35+48Li$h3D 8Y teh CoLl39E 8OaRD, c0NCLud3d +H4t @ th1Rd Oph 3MPloY335 1n +HE N4+1on'5 8LUe-ch1P CoMP4N1E5 wro+3 pO0RLy AND +h@+ bU5iNE5$E5 Were 5PEnD1nG 4$ mUcH 45 $3.1 b1LLioN @NnUally On reM3D1@l TR4InING.
+hE PR08lem 5h0W5 UP N0+ onLY IN 3-ma1L Bu+ 4lSO in R3pORT5 4ND 0tH3r T3xt5, +h3 COMMi5$I0n 5@Id.
"1T'S N0+ +ha+ C0mP4N1Es w4NT +0 HIRE t0l5T0y," $@Id $U5AN +R4im4n, 4 dIrecToR @+ TH3 BU$1ne$5 R0unDt4bL3, 4n @$50Cia+1ON Of l34d1N9 CH1EPH EX3cU+1Ve5 wH0sE c0rP0R4+10N5 W3r3 $URVeY3D 1N tH3 $TUDY. "BUt +H3Y n33D P3oPLE WH0 C4N WrItE cl3@RLY, 4ND M4NY 3mpl0yEE$ AnD @PPl1C4Nt5 F4lL 5h0rT 0F th@T $+4nD4rD."
m1LliON5 OF IN5CRU+@BL3 E-M4iL Me$$4935 4RE CLO991n9 C0rpoR@T3 B0X0r5 BY 5e+TIN9 OfF r3kWE5+$ pHor Cl4r1PHIC4+10N, @nd M@nY 0Ph +HE ReKWE5T5, IN +uRn, 4Re 4L5o CH40TICaLly Wri+T3N, R3$ULtIN9 1N whoL3 CyCle5 0f CoNpHUS1on.
h3RE 15 0NE fr0M @ $Y5+3mS 4N4Ly5+ T0 heR 5UpERvI5OR @T 4 H1gh-+eCH CORpOR@tiON B453D 1N paL0 @l+O, C@LIF.: "i uPD4T3D +Eh 5t@+U$ REp0rt For +h3 FOuR D1$Cr3P@NCie5 l3NnIe PH0RwARd u5 VI4 E-M4il (TheY 1N 8arRY PhIl3).. tO MAKE $URE MY l0G1C w4$ C0rr3C+ I+ $e3M5 We pR0v1De MUrR4Y With 1nc0rreC+ 1NPh0RM4t1oN ... h0WEv3R 4PHt3r veRipHY1ng cON+R0lS 0N jbl - JBL H45 TH3 inDIcatOR @5 B ???? - 1 w@n+3D +O M4Ke 5ur3 WItH tH3 R3cen+ CH4Ng35 - I pR0C355ED TOd4Y - 8EFoR3 mURr4y M4Ke thE CH@NG35 494iN 0n T3h M4INphr@me +0 'c'."
+He 1NC0h3R3NC3 0F +h@+ mE$5@GE PeR5u4DEd +Eh @N@LysT'5 eMPl0yer5 +H4t 5H3 N33ded r3MEDi4L +r4In1ng.
"tH3 MORE ELEC+Ron1C 4ND gLoB@l w3 G3+, +hE L355 IMp0R+4NT +h3 Sp0KEn wORD hA5 b3COME, 4nd iN e-M41l CL@ri+Y 15 CrITIc4l," $@1d S3@N PhIlLip$, R3CrU1tMEnT d1R3CTOR AT @NO+HEr $iL1C0N v4llEy CORp0R4Ti0n, 4ppl3r4, @ 5UPpl13R 0F 3KW1PMEnT pHOr L1PH3 $cIENC3 R3$3@RCH, wh3RE Mo5t
I find it lidicrous how people making 100000$ or more a year, just canot spell or at least use the spelchecker.
It's a disgracement.
Wearing pants should always be optional.
Thank you for destroying the English language AOL!
All your base are belong to us
my geeklog
Looks like they need some help from the Bad Boys of Punctuation!
Bored? Visit my exciting counter page!
i visit slashdot alot its a great web-site but i might get fired soon because i visit slashdot instead of doing work i have a report do later today and i should of been doing it instead of reading articels.
Take off every sig. For great justice.
j00 r fir3d!!!11 pwnz3d!!
Worker: OMGWTFBBQ
u hax!!1
Nice to see that we can still keep it professional here.
- A
It sounds like there are a lot of people who could use some lessons from Strong Bad's Rhythm and Grammar. Though there's a helpful song near the beginning, wait until the end and click on the arm then the CD a few times.
Eye halve a spelling chequer. It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write. It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid. It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite. Its rarely ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it. I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect in it's weight. My chequer tolled me sew.
Sauce Unknown
(Reader's Digest.)
I got this email from our training supervisor one day. He's a cool guy and we joke a lot. His email was like, "how's it going?" And I wrote back, "my ovaries hurt" (I'mma guy btw), and then he writes back, "50 people in the training room just read that.... [he had his desktop pulled up on the big screen]." He was training on email that day.
Erm, I'mma not sure if that was grammatically correct r not....
"All great things are simple & expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope." --Churchill
Corporate American e-mail can't read?
I would imagine that illiterates don't spend too much time worrying over the correctness of the materials a company puts out and take them just as seriously as any other company.
Nerd rage is the funniest rage.
s0? irc rul3z. ema!l iz 4 lam3rz n3way
vodka, straight up, thank you!
"Me fail english? That unpossible!"
"Useless organic meatbag" -HK-47
No, it is not.
Personally, I like being in the middle.
If people could just learn to write their replies BELOW what they're quoting. Top posting is just wrong.
Take off every sig. For great justice.
I read Slashdot comments and wonder the same thing.
'Same speed C but faster'
More amusingly, that's an apostrophe, not a "commar"...
It didn't have a "commar", or even a comma. It had an apostrophe -- which is also incorrect. ;-)
But don't take my word for it . . . http://angryflower.com/bobsqu.gif
Saw this ages ago on attrition, seem to fit well
http://www.attrition.org/postal/dilbert_email.jpg
"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." - Voltaire
Here's a new flash for them: English is not the most widely spoken language in the world (Chinese is).
Heree's a news flash for you: Chinese is not the most widely spoken language in corporate America, which is what this article was talking about.
Another one of my pet peeves that is when people write enormously long sentences that run over the entire width of my screen and that have a lot of subclauses even though the same message, that might actually have held my interest if it were presented more succinctly, could have been split up in multiple shorter sentences that are easier to understand.
SCO employee? Check out the bounty
I think R2-D2 just crapped a rainbow in my brain!
(With apologies to any Sealab fans out there)
"No beer until you finish your tequila!" -Leela's Dad
I remember once getting a flame from my supervisor once that was completely incoherent. From what I could tell, she was chewing me out for something I'd done that wasn't wrong at all. (She had about a third of my experience at the company, and a fifth of my skill.) Instead of addressing the issue, I quoted back the worst sentence and asked her to rephrase it in standard English so that I could understand what she was saying. She never replied.
Good, inexpensive web hosting
After careful consideration of your writing preferences, the new /. book recommending software has concluded that you might enjoy Intruder in the Dust, by William Faulkner.
R. crig hn, phormr univerity profeor wh hed n nlin chol fr bune wriin hr, rceved n anuished e-mil mese recently from propcve udent.
... hwevr phtr veriphyng conrls n jbl - jbl h th indicator b - wnd o mke ur with th rcen chng - i prced tody - efor murry mke the chng in n th minphrme 'c'."
" Need help," id h mesg, which w devd oph puncuaion. " am wrng ey n wriin i wrk phr th cmpny nd my os wn me hlp imprv teh wrker writin kll cn yll hlp me wth m inphormin hnk yu".
Hundrd ph nkwires phrom mner and execuives ekng to mprve thr wnzor or heir worker' wrin pop ino hogn' xor in-bkt ech month, he ay, dscribin numbr h hs urgd -mil h rplcd he phon phor much workplac communicaton. millon ph mploys mu wrte mre frkwently n teh jb hn prviuly. nd many r mkng hh of t.
"E-ml party which englih techr hve no been nvitd," hon d. "it ha cmpnie ring hir hr ou."
Recnt survy of mercn corprtns reched imilr concluon. he tudy, by h ninl commion on wrting, pnl lihd y teh colle oard, cncludd ht thrd oph mploy n he non' lue-chp compne wro porly and h buinee were pendng much . bllion nnually on remdl trining.
He prlem hw up n only in -mal bu lso in rport nd thr txt, h commiin id.
"T's n ha cmpnes wnt hire tlty," id uan rimn, director th bune rundtbl, n ciaon of ldn cheph excuve whse crprn wr urveyd n th tudy. "but hy nd pople wh cn write clrly, nd mny mplyee and pplcnt fll hrt f tht ndrd."
Mllion of incrubl e-mil me re clon crport bxr by etin off rkwe phor clrphicn, nd mny ph he rekwet, in urn, re lo chtically writn, rultin n whol cycle f conphuson.
Hre ne frm yms nly t her upervior t hgh-ech corportion bd n pal lo, clif.: "i updtd eh tu reprt for h four dcrpncie lnnie phrward u vi e-mil (they n arry phil).. to make ure my lgc w crrc i em we prvde murry with ncrrec nphrmton
He nchrnc f h mege peruded eh nlyst' emplyer ht h nded rmedil rinng.
"Th more elecronc nd globl w g, he l imprnt h spken word ha bcome, nd in e-ml clriy criticl," d sn phillip, rcrutment drctor at noher ilcn vlley corprtin, pplr, upplr f kwpment phor lph cienc rrch, whre mot
An army of trained monkeys. The same army Shakespeare utilized to write his plays/books.
-----
One is born into aristocracy, but mediocrity can only be achieved through hard work.
A man rides into a new town, and needs to get his CV proofread. The town has only two CV proofreaders. So he gets copies of their CVs to help him decide whom to go to. One of the CVs is beautifully presented, with impeccable spelling and grammar and a clear, logical layout. The other is messy, confused, and poorly spelt. There are many obvious grammatical mistakes.
Which proofreader does the man go to, and why?
Repton.
They say that only an experienced wizard can do the tengu shuffle.
I spil;l;ed a gl;asasas of waster on the keyas asnd now thias ias whast happenas when I type./ Thias ias reasl;l;y asl;owing down my productivityl./
Thaasnkas
thias ias not as joke
(name withheld)
Yes I did actually receive this from an employee (actually an manager) of a client that I provide tech support for (Though in his defense, he really had spilled water on his keyboard).
You're using her as bait, Master!
If people could just learn to I prefer replying
write their replies BELOW on the SIDE of
what they're quoting. what I am quoting, myself.
Top posting is just wrong. Side posting r00ls, w00t!!
is that I can read that quite fluently.
I'm pretty sure he meant rediculous, unless the hundreds of idiots posting on the internet every day are spelling it wrong too. This is a new spelling error, which confuses me greatly - I swear it's doubled in frequency over the past year.
clicky
The geniuses suceeded in publishing a report with a map on the front which just had a gap where Wales should have been.
Stuff Spelling and Grammar, 3 million people and a few billion sheep just ceased to exist!
FGD 135
What exectly is a constant-velocity proofreader?
hm. makes me think there should be a study on the illiteracy of slashdot posts.
2 1337 4 u!
My spelling and grammar are not the greatest, but I married an English major to compensate.
And conversely, an English major married you to compensate for the miniscule earning power that English majors have...
Quite right. Information should be transferred as properly formatted XML, with CSS used to indicate emotion.
Newsflash: In corporate AMERICA, English is required learning.
Newsflash 2: People who speak English as a second language are often better at correct grammar then native English-speakers.
The solution is obvious: outsource spelling and grammar. Millions of Indians are waiting to conjugate your verbs for pennies.
- Peter Ravn Rasmussen
1. You should have said: "Her problem is that she forgets to proofread."
2. It is "A lot", not "Alot".
3. "Disinterested" means one doesn't have a conflict of interest. You should have used "uninterested".
4. It is "justified", not "justificated".
5. It is "disenfranchised", not "disenfrenchfried", unless someone took away their French fries.
Then again, maybe these were intentional and slashdot just removed the <GWB> and </GWB> tags.
A dingo ate my sig...
Eye really do knot sea whats sew funny about this.
"Hurting" above is incorrect. To agree with "impact" it should be "hurt":
But since this forum doesn't support editing, we'll forgive you.
The Grammar Nazis
I think the problem with American schools is related to the fact that they hire teachers that overgeneralize.
Why yes, I AM a rocket scientist!
From TFA: "It's not like we're trying to hire Tolstoy."
It's a damn good thing, too. The last thing corporate America needs is a 2000 page corporate org chart in which Alexei Sergeyevich has dotted line responsibility for Sergey Alexeyevich, and both of them are in love with Anya Lamentova (who is referred to half the time as Anyushka, making it look like these two are chasing different women so what's the problem?), and by the time Napoleon finally retreats from Moscow and Sergey Alexeyevich has recovered from the duel with Alexei (Sasha) Sergeyevich we haven't even come close to our quarterly projections and don't give a shit about any of it any more and spend our entire day checking the want ads.
Crumb's Corollary: Never bring a knife to a bun fight.
Of course you don't care - survival is your primary concern! A stable situation, job, regular income. Once you have those things under control, then perhaps you could be interested in learning about someone's hierarchy of needs. But more likely you'll be interested in sex - getting a girlfriend, etc. So first the job, the regular income, the steady girlfriend, oh and that car you've always wanted. Then perhaps you could be interested in Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
No, Thursday's out. How about never - is never good for you?
Someone other than me originally wrote this. My apologies to non-native English-speakers, as this is bound to do some brane damage to those that do their best to try to comprehend:
I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to bee a joule.
The checker poured ore every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Be fore a vailing checkers
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if were lacks o'er have a laps,
We wood bee maid to wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun aye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft ware for pea seas,
And why I brake in two averse
When righting what aye pleas.
"Pffft, English. Who needs that? I'm never going to England."
"It's not that companies want to hire Tolstoy,"
Unless they want their emails written in Russian.
The prankster went back to saying "supposedly" and despite doing so, the others continued using the new and improved version. ;-)
The postman hits! The postman hits! You have mail.
...and where to put periods and commas (overuse of which are probably the most common non-spelling error I see)...
I, for one, welcome, to the full extent possible, our new, lovely, comma, overlords!
I have no problem with your religion until you decide it's reason to deprive others of the truth.
And why not? If you get the point across to your coworkers, why should you waste an extra 20 seconds checking your grammar? Sure, its only 20 seconds, but the only point in editing your message is to conform to implied social norms - an objective that has nothing to do with getting the job done. Thankfully those silly social norms have not yet been applied to emails yet.
fuckin a dude!@ who care abuot chikign granner and slpeking anuwsy?? i mesn shit if'n pipul unerstn yo hoo car wut ti look like?
Get my point?
in a lowly undercase kind of way
At the company I am at now, we get emails for way up the chain.
The email contains an important message from a VP.
Attached is a Word doc.
Inside the Word doc is an html link to the 'memo' on the corporate web server
That link is a PDF file.
I think M$ figured out the perfect way to drive linux users insane.
They Live, We Sleep
Funniest case of this I've ever run into of this: my father (a community college English teacher) was grading papers at the end of the Fall 2001 semester. He felt he had to share the statement by one student that recent events had been a "terrible act of tourism."
To the proofreader with the messy CV.
Logic as follows
The proofreaders also need their CV's proofread. They each only have one proofreader they can pass their CV to. So they must pass their CV to each other. The proofreader with the messy CV was proofread by the messy proofreader, therefore he must be the clear proofreader.
Isn't it great to be a mathematician where wisdom doesn't need to impinge on logic?
Her reply could have been more effective had it been written differently. Take the following as an example.
"Thank you for your timely response to my inquiry. However, I would like to point out that your critiques of my improper usage of punctuation and capitalization are somewhat founded in hipocracy when compared to your slaughtering of English grammar.
You stated, "We're hip, we're independent and we're unconventional." This sentence contains three independent clauses which should each be separated by periods, thereby forming three sentences. Alternatively, each independent clause may be separated by commas, forming a dense compound sentence. Such an alternative would be written as, "We're hip, we're independent, and we're unconventional." Similarly, the three independent clauses could have been condensed into a single sentence having greater clarity. For example, "We're hip, independent, and unconventional," would have been an even better solution.
Second, it is incorrect in every case to begin a sentence with the word, "And." The word, "And," is a conjugate that is used to convey plurality within a single sentence when the subject has already been given. While some have ridiculed this rule, it remains a rule nonetheless. The correct approach would have been to start this sentence with an appropriate adverb. Candidate adverbs include "Also," "Furthermore," "Likewise," and so on. Please note my correct usage of the word to convey plurality of subject.
Using the correct tense and sentence structure, I will say that I hope you will accept this advice in the spirit in which it is being given, which is not to put you down, but to educate you.
Sincerely,
$NAME
"I helped my uncle Jack off a horse."
"I helped my uncle jack off a horse."
I'm afraid Miss McCabe's attitude is not unusual among young people these days. She's not merely ignorant. She's indignant when someone is kind enough to try to help her out. Not to mention vulgar and hateful.
{/tounge firmly in cheek over my pet peeve}
Yeah, she really did loose it at the end.
Ah, well, I'm sure you'd have to turn her lose sooner or later.
Have you read the moderator guidelines? Well, have you, PUNK? (and I want a Karma: Gnarly option)