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MAD's 10 Worst Things about Gaming
Deuce Magnum writes "GamePro's got up a story that was apparently designed by the guys at MAD magazine. It details the lows of video gaming, from big boobs to MMO patches. From the article: "8. Mind-numbingly dull 'cinema sequences' -- as if we really needed to interrupt the game with ten minutes of bad acting and cliche'd dialogue to explain the deep motives and back story of why Ratchet and Clank are running and jumping. 9. Choppy, second-rate video games designed for cell phones. Was text messaging not a useless enough way to drain battery power? "
"10. Video game magazines that spend months hyping a game as the second coming, lavishing it with praise and eagerly counting down to its release date, only to dismiss it when it comes out as third-rate, over-hyped crap."
How true.
WeRelate.org - wiki-based genealogy
Site seems slow. Google cache here and here
Wasn't there a list just like this about a week ago?
...really went down in quality after Gaines died. It's been pretty much bad since 1992. I picked one up in the supermarket not too long ago and to my horror I saw that now they actually have advertisements. It really threw me off, since before whenever I saw an advertisement in MAD it was a parody. I looked and looked for the joke but it just wasn't there. Plus now they've gone to color.
The big landmark in MAD history where I saw it becoming crap was when that comic with the kid with bad hair and the slutty mom started appearing... "Monroe".
Plus when the guy who did Spy vs. Spy died and now the new ones are horrible and in this awful spraypaint sort of drawing style.
Console manufacturers selling systems without basic essentials like memory cards or a second controller, so you have to shell out another 60 bucks before you can see so much as a hair on Luigi's mustache.
It'd be great if they included all that sort of thing in with the game console, except 1. Lots of people don't need it, and 2. It'd make the console package cost more!
Also, If your number 1 audience enjoys things that turn off women in gaming, f-them! No offense to the kind women gamers, but to some of us perverts out there, there's no such thing as too much cleavage, anywhere.
Whats with number 4, Sega's failure? How does that have anything to do with anything?
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Gamespy has much more interesting top 10 lists.
Circumcision is child abuse.
Ok, when you bought the MMO, it was a finished product. When you "subscribed", obviously you were getting a "subscription" -- to something. Why not more content?
And if you have dialup, why are you playing an MMO? If you're playing an MMO, why are you on dialup? If you're not on dialup, why do you care about patches?
Don't thank God, thank a doctor!
You can tell it's by Mad magazine because it's not even remotely funny or clever.
I know gamers love to bitch about games, but how about instead of the Worst Of lists we see a Things We Like the Most About Gaming list? Just a thought.
...since the topic is Yet Another Bad Video Game Cliche List, it doesn't seem so bad.
What's with this new trend of converting random words within an article to paid ads that popup annoying little windows when moused over? That can't really be an effective ad delivery system, the vast majority of clicks are probably mistakes, and the little popups prevent the user from reading the actual content. Anyone who uses this little abomination care to comment?
rooooar
1) Boobies = No women gamers
A good point, but they don't seem to get to the root of the issue. It's not just the shabby treatment of women in games that turns them off. It's or the violence, or the language either. The fact is, your average "mature" title these days is dripping with pure unadulterated testosterone. Developers are too busy trying to grab their current target audience (males 17 to 25) to cultivate new audiences.
The biggest games- the ones that sell millions of copies to non-traditional gamers- are almost all aimed at a wider audience. Halo 2 was big, there's no denying that- but it pales in comparison to The Sims or Rollercoaster Tycoon in raw staying power- they're practically cultural phenomena. The same can be said for Nintendogs in Japan, which helped the DS steamroll Sony's entire console family in May (haven't seen sales figures since then). That's the kind of stuff that will bring gaming to the masses, not a game designed to appeal to some 19 year-old trying to look cool sitting alone in his parents' basement.
2) Peripheral gouging
I'll concede the memory card point (despite it being pretty much moot for the Xbox and the upcoming 360 and Revolution consoles), since it's pretty much required to use the system. The second controller, on the other hand, isn't necessary at all. There are plenty of people who don't need them, so why require them to pay for something they won't even use? Not to mention that the console manufacturers are selling the hardware at a loss- they're not gouging, just trying to hit a price point with the basic system.
3) The Sims branched out into the realm of fantasy.
Kinda like a humor magazine that branches out into totally unfunny "worst of" lists... Wha? Oh, sorry I tend to ramble sometimes. Seriously, they're EXPANSIONS. If you don't want them, don't buy them- the basic game is fine on its own. Secondly, games are all about escapism. If gamers don't mind it being unrealistic (obviously they don't), then so be it.
4) Sega consoles fail.
Um, this point would've been relevant almost 5 years ago.
5) The play timer proves what a loser you are.
See today's article about speed runs. I'll leave whether or not that proves loserdom or not up to you.
6) Unlockables suck!
Unlockables can really lengthen the life of a game. A great example of this is Super Smash Bros. Melee: collecting trophies, and unlocking stages and characters kept me playing the single player element of the game much longer than if I would've otherwise (the multiplayer STILL gets a ton of play in my circle of friends too). When used with a good game, it just makes for an even more addictive experience.
7) Downloading patches sucks.
Would you rather they just leave it broken? Games are complicated, ESPECIALLY ones as big as MMOs. Bugs are pretty much inevitable, and getting them fixed improves the player's experience. They also fail to mention that a lot of said MMOG patches include content updates. Would you rather eschew all that new material just to save a few minutes logging on every month? I didn't think so.
8) Cutscenes are boring!
I think it's time to take your Ritalin.
9) Sub-par cell phone games
For all the choppy cell phone games out there, there are also a lot of great ones. Popcap makes a veritable treasure trove of great phone games, and pretty much every smartphone platform on earth has a Worms port. And these are just a few examples.
10) Hype
Good point, though it's ironic to see it on Gamepro.com.
But am I really the only one who thought the Sims: Sonic the Hedgehog takes on the Giant Firebreathing Turtles was funny?
Snobs.
Unlockables suck.
Yes, they can prolong the game time. The "Why the hell do I finally get to..." way. They also horribly linearize the gameplay. (think key A to open door to find key to door B, to find keycard to door C, to get Attic Key D to Attic Door D...)
Sure, allow them, but in strictly limited number, avoid "streamlining" them and make them optional. There are many ways to do so. Kick-ass enemies in areas where you're not supposed to go yet. If you can beat them - good for you! You're good enough to be there! Big/HUGE world all open to explore without obligations. No guiding you by hand through levels. If you find yourself with 15 different quests open at the moment and can choose to pick any one of them, all the better! (and if you allow for a creative way of sneaking into the "illegal area", good if you include "unlock from inside", so if you jump over the gate on the bridge in GTA:VC, you're not stuck on an island with no quests to do and no way to get back.)
The best "unlockables" I found are the ones you get right in the beginning but learn how to handle (You, the player, not the character through game engine) hours later - Difficult to use properly but devastating when you master them.
Anagram("United States of America") == "Dine out, taste a Mac, fries"
"And if you have dialup, why are you playing an MMO?"
I'll bite. Where did the game say on the box that you need broadband to play the game?
"If you're playing an MMO, why are you on dialup?"
I don't even understand that question. Does subscribing to a MMO also give you a broadband subscription, or even just a broadband provider in your area? Or wth is the if-then relationship there?
"If you're not on dialup, why do you care about patches?"
I'm on DSL, and it seems to me like download times _are_ a problem even if you're not on Dialup. (In fact, are such a pain in the butt on DSL, that the mere thought of someone getting those on dialup makes me cringe.)
I got into WoW in July 2005. I had to let Blizzard's sucky slow downloader run over night before I could even create a character.
I also reinstalled City Of Heroes recently. There goes another couple of hours of just downloading patches.
A polar bear is a cartesian bear after a coordinate transform.
"I know gamers love to bitch about games, but how about instead of the Worst Of lists we see a Things We Like the Most About Gaming list? Just a thought."
Well, I don't know if it's actually been put in a numbered list yet, but, eh, just go read a review from any major site. They'll spend _pages_ telling you what they loved about a game. (And it's usually the same things. "Whoa, this time it has 5% more polygons per character!")
Then give everything a score between 90% and 100%. (Doubly so if it's one of those sites/magazines which blatantly tries to please EA's and Vivendi's marketting. It doesn't pay to give their games a bad score, because then they'll cut your ads, you know.)
Now think about it. On a scale of 0% to 100%, then 50% would mean average. A 100% score would mean so utter perfection that even God Himself couldn't improve it. So a site where most scores are between 90% and 100%, and no game since Daikatana dipped under 80%, is trying to tell me... what? That _all_ games are way above average? Then how is it an average?
The problem is the whole focus on what's good and perfect, and barely touching (if at all) what's sub-par. Everyone concentrates on telling me the same half the news: what's good.
Unfortunately, we're not talking about praising the neighbour's kid or making smalltalk to your co-workers, or anything else where "if you can't say anything good, better not say anything" might apply. We're talking blowing some 40 to 60 Euro for a game. But I damn well like to know the _whole_ story, including what's _bad_, when I choose one.
So I like reading a good "bitching". It gives me that much-needed insight into that other half of the story. What's bad, what's been done better in another game, what becomes boring at level 40, what doesn't live up to the massive hype that the publisher spewed.
And if someone's feelings are hurt by that "bitching", well, they could just keep their marketting on a leash next time. If the hype squad didn't promise the moon and the stars for 2-3 years straight, you wouldn't get people "bitching" when its released with half the stars missing and the moon being just a painted frisbee on a pole.
But in the meantime, that's just the kind of thing I'd like to know when I buy a game. If it takes wading through someone's "bitching" to get to that info, so be it.
A polar bear is a cartesian bear after a coordinate transform.
I don't like the unlockables that go like...
.. um.. gameplaying. Or at least, the people that actually accomplish such tasks should get some good rewards for it..
Collect all 120 emblems and you get.. um.. an icon by your save file or something?
Get an A rating in every level and you get.. 1 new level to play in!
Get all of the shine sprites and you get a new picture when you beat the game!
I want some real return for doing complex or difficult, tedious
I agree on the part about "unlockables" the player has to learn how to use. Those are fun.
I also like games that have a lot of items and things to use, many of which can be effective but it depends on the player's style.
One sort of "unlockable" I don't like is something akin to.. say.. locked doors that say "You do not know the password." even if the *player* knows it. Then later in the game your character learns the password and so do you, but you don't actually get to use your knowledge of it, it's just your character has to "learn" it.
Or your character suddenly learns their electronic sword has a previously undiscovered laser blaster function that was really there all along. Or something.
5. The "total time played" stats on your memory card, which only serve to prove to your parents how many hours you've wasted playing video games instead of doing your homework.
Those stats rule. Especially the % complete ones. That drove me to immense pleasure upon hitting 100% in gran turismo 2
Ahhh.. A magic ring! In a rain barrel yet..
I don't know if you knew this or not, but this is just in case you didn't. If you're behind a router, in order for the Blizzard downloader to run efficiently, you need to forward some ports as well as enable connections on those ports in your firewall if you have one enabled. My guess is that, this being Slashdot, you already knew this, but there may be someone here who could make use of this information.
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This isn't the sig you're looking for. Move along.
But.....
Choppy, second-rate video games designed for cell phones...
This is why I never understood the fascination with N-Gage. Whoo! I'm playing Tony Hawk and Splinter Cell on my game machine/cell phone/whatever! Even though it looks like ass! Damn, some of the commercials they used to run for that thing, showing shots of the actual gameplay......You had better graphics on a Nintendo.
Dead or Alive: Beach Volleyball: Is not a game about "World Class Volleyball Players." It's a game about the Dead or Alive girls playing beach volleyball. It would be like if Maxim magazine made a Maxim Volleyball issue. Do the people who wrote this think that the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is about swimsuits?
Tomb Raider: Hailed as the second coming when it was created, Tomb Raider has steadily become more and more irrelevant. The only thing that has kept the series going at all is... Lara Croft, the lead character. This character was so successful that she was ripped off for a syndicated TV series (Relic Hunter starring Tia Carrera) and appeared in numerous magazines. Interestingly, the original game was almost universally popular when it came out, and had more crossover appeal then most Playstation games.
GTA (Series): Oh, they are upset with GTA for being objectionable? I'm sure over at R* they are saying, "Cool, we made another 'objectionable' list. Oh wait, it's only MAD magazine and Gamepro, bleh."
If these are why girls don't play games, then why haven't girls stopped watching movies? I notice a lot of prominent advertising for -shudder- Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo, and yet girls still go to movies.
SEGA: To paraphrase Agnes (from The Simpsons), "SEGA is gone, Mad, long gone. You're SEGA." Picking on SEGA's "legacy of failure" is beating a dead horse. No, it's more like if a big, stong person you were afraid of was brought down and then you go over to kick them when they are safely unconscious. It's ugly behaviour, especially from Gamepro. Video games are less fun now than when SEGA was around.
The Sims: When were the Sims realistic? I didn't play it very long, but I remember my character chose the "Life of Crime" career path. This was in the first game with no supplements.
Well, that's enough. It sure doesn't belong in the "it's funny, laugh" section.
"MIT betrayed all of its basic principles."
Remember that Cosmos I article a couple months back about "solar rails"? Half the comments there were about his typo. Does he proofread before he posts these things? Apparently not; if there is any error in any story I've seen, he has usually been the culprit.
A Slashdot analogy:
And now he accepts a submission comparing gaming to female orgasms. Taco should fire him.
Boy, they're really socking it to that Spiro Agnew guy. He must work there or something.
That quote was funny for me since it reflected my opinion of their content.
When you don't have new content and dig into your archives for something (anything), making sure it isn't dated is a priority.
I gave up on the magazine in '94, but then again, I was almost done with high school at the time too.
The couple of Peter Bagge illustrations made the whole thing worth it.
pooptruck
I don't think the scores they give are THAT unjustified. Consider that the 0% point of the scale is some unfinished crappy Flash game on a 12-year-old's website.
They only review stuff which gets actually published, games that people expect you to pay money for: of course they'll be better than the average game out there. Of course, a few commercial games do completely suck, and deserve 50% scores (e.g. Rogue Squadron 3, although no doubt some people won't agree).
I quit!
One thing that I have to agree with on the list is the cinematics.
But it's not only boring cinematics that I object to, but unskippable cinematics. Even cool cinematics are tedious to sit through when replaying a game.
I was puzzled by this one. What consoles and/or games keep track of the total time played? I've never noticed that feature.
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