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Dvorak on Microsoft Confusing the Market

Posted by Zonk on from the funny-dvorak-article-blink-and-you'll-miss-it dept.

DigitalDame2 writes "With news of there being 7 Vista editions, PC Magazine Columnist John C. Dvorak takes a hilarious spin on the different Vistas with some recommendations of his own. How about the Vista Porn Edition? All the great porn sites would be pre-bookmarked. Gamer Case-Mod Edition? It can be ultraoptimized for games with a blinking hard-drive light. You can even go as far as the Microsoft Vista for Costco Customers: the Cheaper Edition."

40 of 456 comments (clear)

  1. Hmm by NanoGator · · Score: 5, Funny

    "How about the Vista Porn Edition?"

    Go on....

    --
    "Derp de derp."
    1. Re:Hmm by wo1verin3 · · Score: 5, Funny

      Reminds me of a tech support call from 5 years ago.

      The guy kept complaining since he visited a certain website a little animated woman was dancing on his task bar and offering him more pictures of her for $30.

      I thought about this for a moment and asked...

      "For $35 I'll help you remove her but for only $30 you can have more pictures... you're sure you want to go ahead with this?"

  2. Other Versiona by gbulmash · · Score: 4, Funny
    Perhaps they could have a Microsoft Vista "n00b" edition with a one-click link to AOL and a special "me too!" button on the keyboard.

    Then there would be the Microsoft Vista "Infect Me" edition with a special version of Outlook that automatically opens all attachments.

    Add to that the "Miriam Abacha" edition which sends all your banking info to Nigeria.

    My favorite would be the Vista "Office Gamer" edition which includes 25 variations on Solitaire.

    - Greg

    --
    Start a happiness pandemic
    1. Re:Other Versiona by coolGuyZak · · Score: 2, Funny
      Then there would be the Microsoft Vista "Infect Me" edition

      Aw, c'mon. I know everyone hated Millenium Edition, but that's no reason to perform cruel and unsusual punishment upon it.

    2. Re:Other Versiona by tabkey12 · · Score: 1, Funny

      And don't knock Windows XP Porn Edition, as Dvorak would definitely be qualified to talk about that given that his personal blog, Dvorak Uncensored was recently categorised as sex-related...

      --
      Get a free iPod Nano 4GB!
    3. Re:Other Versiona by kai.chan · · Score: 4, Funny

      Then there would be the Microsoft Vista "Infect Me" edition

      Dude, the "Infect Me" edition comes bundled with all other Vista editions for free!

    4. Re:Other Versiona by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1, Funny
      My favorite would be the Vista "Office Gamer" edition which includes 25 variations on Solitaire.
      They already have that. It's called "GNOME."
    5. Re:Other Versiona by daniil · · Score: 5, Funny

      How about Vista Dvorak edition? It would try -- and always fail -- to predict what you want to do, and then "do" it. The only way to turn this option off would be to wipe the hard disk.

      --
      Man is a slave because freedom is difficult, whereas slavery is easy.
    6. Re:Other Versiona by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1, Funny

      Don't forget to put an "Any Key" on the keyboard as well, for the nOOb

    7. Re:Other Versiona by $RANDOMLUSER · · Score: 4, Funny
      Well, personally, I think the Vista Dvorak Edition should look more like this, with every other clause randomly and pointlessly bolded.

      But that's just my opinion I could be wrong.

      --
      No folly is more costly than the folly of intolerant idealism. - Winston Churchill
    8. Re:Other Versiona by n64man987 · · Score: 2, Funny

      Wouldn't this be the "I get NO Spam" edition?

  3. Porn Edition Already Exists by deutschemonte · · Score: 5, Funny

    Just install XP w/o service packs or a firewall.

    You'll have a computer loaded with porn (pop-ups) in no time.

    --
    The preceding message was based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.
  4. Another Edition Request... by Kjuib · · Score: 4, Funny

    How about a Vaporware Edition?!

    --
    - Your stupidity got you into this mess, why can't it get you out? -Will Rogers
    1. Re:Another Edition Request... by nine-times · · Score: 2, Funny

      I already have it.

  5. Hmm.... by tktk · · Score: 4, Funny
    How about a Blacklist Dvorak edition? One where the OS censors any mention of him?

    I'd almost be willing to pay for that.

  6. Re:Ain't it funny? by nb+caffeine · · Score: 5, Funny

    at least they got SOMETHING working crossplatform :)

    --

    "Something's wrong with you...and I hope we never do meet again." - Deftones When Girls Telephone Boys
  7. Makes sense really... by Drasil · · Score: 4, Funny

    ..., if you are Microsoft. The world is screaming out for choice when it comes to operating systems, this is Microsoft's way of giving it to them.

  8. Re:What a bad idea by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1, Funny

    I myself plan on acquiring the 'Microsoft Vista for Pirates: Stolen Edition'.

  9. The Dvorak Troll Edition by Skjellifetti · · Score: 3, Funny

    Hi, I'm Clippy. I see that you are trying to write a column. Would you like to troll the Linux fans?

    --
    FreeSpeech.org
  10. Ballmer (obligatory chair throwing) by putko · · Score: 5, Funny

    ZONK: They see through your market segmentation strategy. I'm quitting.

    Ballmer: Anybody but Dvorak. Just tell me it isn't fucking Dvorak who sees through my segmentation strategy.

    ZONK: Yes, it's Dvorak. He sees right through it. And he says your Kung Fu is shit.

    (chair flies through air) CRASH!

    Ballmer: Dvorak is a fucking PUSSY! I will kill Dvorak. I've killed all the other media bitches and will so fucking kill Dvorak!

    --
    http://www.thebricktestament.com/the_law/when_to_s tone_your_children/dt21_18a.html
  11. Bad Joke Warning by RealityMogul · · Score: 5, Funny

    If you take Dvorak's Kiddie Edition, and bundle it with the Porn Edition, do you call it the... no... wait... I just can't go through with it.

    1. Re:Bad Joke Warning by AndreiK · · Score: 2, Funny

      The horror, the horror! A person with actual MORALS on /.!

  12. Re:Good informative link by hcob$ · · Score: 5, Funny

    Gotta love the conceptual diagram:

    Vista Enterprise: "Optimized for the Enterprise"

    So.... is that NCC-1701, NCC-1701A, NCC-1701B, NCC-1701C, NCC-1701D, or NCC-1701E?

    --
    Cliff Claven
    K.E.G. Party Chairman
    Founding Leader of: Koncerned for Egalitarin Governance
  13. Windows Vista: Slashdot Edition by 8127972 · · Score: 5, Funny

    This version moderates your documents and has a Zonk process that dupes your files needlessly.

    --
    This is my opinion. To make sure you don't steal it, it's covered by the DMCA.
  14. Re:Let's see the spin on this one... by squiggleslash · · Score: 4, Funny
    Well, in fairness, it's not as if it's one person coming up with all the GNU/Linux distributions. At least 30% of them are done by independent parties, such as ObscurIX, WinclonUX, M$Sux, and Slackware.

    The rest of them are maintained by Bruce Perens.

    I actually had a CD with Dvorak on it, but all it had on it was an awful, tedious, symphony. I assume it was a Mac distro requiring a non-Beige G3 or better because it was marked "New World".

    --
    You are not alone. This is not normal. None of this is normal.
  15. What if it changed versions based on your usage! by jav1231 · · Score: 2, Funny

    What if it changed versions based on your usage!
    Imagine: You order Vista Premium Home Edition. You're excited to have the newest version so your young high school lad can do essay research, send email, and do homework. However, inexplicably it morphs into Vista Premium Porn Edition within just a few months! Young Timmy is grounded and his Internet cable removed. You know he still needs the computer for typing up Word documents so you leave it on. Only to have it morph again into Vista Premium Gamer Edition!

  16. Re:Good informative link by khelms · · Score: 2, Funny

    You forgot NX-01

  17. Vista versions by digitalderbs · · Score: 2, Funny

    It appears that Dvorak is already working with Windows Vista : Desperate Journalist Edition.

  18. Christianity is a rather broad umbrella by brokeninside · · Score: 4, Funny

    You'd have a few sub editions:

    Vista Reformed Edition: once saved, always saved.

    Vista Millenial Edition: never saves in preperation for the end times.

    Vista Catholic Edition: you need to perform your penance before you can save.

    Vista Jabez Edition: once you save, you get rich.

    Vista Eastern Orthodox Edition: you never know whether you've saved.

    Vista Watchtower Edition: you have to save all your neighbors' files before your files are saved.

  19. Re:No such thing by Quinn_Inuit · · Score: 5, Funny
    That's like critiquing next year's pop bands today.

    Well, that's not very hard, now, is it?

    For instance, the boy band is going to be somewhat effeminate and very popular with young girls. It'll be a shame that none of them can play instruments, but their androgynous crooning will win them the hearts of many.

    The edgy female punk/pop singer, OTOH, will be a big hit with the high school goth crowd despite her questionable singing voice and constant fights with her band members, most of whom are more talented than her.

    The country music phenom of the year's hit song, "American to the bone" will be a gritty, patriotic anthem of the NASCAR dads in the country, but later albums will reveal that they only bought this one because of the picture of the singer and his supermodel wife on the cover.

    See? I've got all my snarky pop culture commentary out of the way for the whole year. Sweet!

    --

    Stop learning! Only you can prevent esoterrorism.
  20. Re:Good informative link by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Funny

    We're all trying to forget

  21. That's just overkill. by infonography · · Score: 2, Funny

    A Berman and Braga edition? Uggh.

    Look, I hate microsoft as much as the next slashdotter, but nobody deserves that. I work in a mixed env, that means at some point I will have to use it. This is just what I don't want. A Data (the Android) version of Clippy? XP is already bloated and nearly useless, can you imagine what Rick Berman will do to it?

    I feel a post-work alcohol-induced coma coming on.

    --
    Sorry about the writing. Robot fingers, you know? Cliff Steele in DOOM PATROL #23
  22. Nope, that's an easy one by brokeninside · · Score: 2, Funny

    All your files always get saved whether you click on save or not.

  23. Re:Good informative link by still+cynical · · Score: 4, Funny

    "N-C-C-1-7-0-1. No bloody A, B, C, or D."

    --
    Ignorance is the root of all evil.
  24. So what we have so far? by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 1, Funny

    Windows Vista Starter Edition
    Windows Vista Home Basic Edition
    Windows Vista Home Premium Edition
    Windows Vista Professional Edition
    Windows Vista Small Business Edition
    Windows Vista Enterprise Edition
    Windows Vista Ultimate Edition
    Windows Vista Kiddie Edition
    Windows Vista Porn Edition
    Windows Vista Kitchen Edition
    Windows Vista Multimedia Edition
    Windows Vista Gamer Case-Mod Edition
    Windows Vista for Desperate Housewives

    Add yours to the list...

    1. Re:So what we have so far? by Pharmboy · · Score: 3, Funny

      You forgot MS Linux Edition, the one they will fail to distribute properly, so they can say they tried, but people weren't interested in Linux (apologies to Dvorak)

      How about: Windows Vista Home Automation Edition

      It would come with the X-10 controller software and two X10 modules, so you can build "The Home of the Future" in true Microsoft fashion, using 25 year old technology.

      Or you could use what I use, and run Heyu and Bluelava on Apache and Linux (or BSD), I suppose.

      Also, NEVER try upgrading your Windows Vista Kiddie Edition with Windows Vista Porn Edition. To say there are conflicts is an understatement.

      --
      Tequila: It's not just for breakfast anymore!
    2. Re:So what we have so far? by MisterSquid · · Score: 3, Funny

      Also, NEVER try upgrading your Windows Vista Kiddie Edition with Windows Vista Porn Edition. To say there are conflicts is an understatement.

      My understanding was that the Vista Porn Edition has as its direct consequence the Vista Kiddie Edition.

      --
      blog
    3. Re:So what we have so far? by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 2, Funny

      Good point, but it's not the only incompatibility. Upgrading a Vista Home edition to Vista Porn edition may cause the Desperate Housewife edition to be installed instead. Once installed like this, it can not be removed. Rumour has it that installing Home Automation edition and then upgrading to Porn edition may unlock the Voyeur Edition, but this is unconfirmed.

  25. Pirate Edition by erik_norgaard · · Score: 2, Funny

    Somehow, I think that the Windows Vista Pirate edition is the only one that will be released on time...

  26. Re:Good informative link by laejoh · · Score: 1, Funny
    The 'Ultimate' version also limits number of network connections to 10. Is that ultimate?
    You are so so so right, the number of network connections should at least go to 11.