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Armed Dolphins Released Into Gulf of Mexico
An anonymous reader writes "The Guardian is reporting on what may be the weirdest Hurricane Katrina story yet. Military trained dolphins may have been released into the wild by the Hurricane's devastation." From the article: "Experts who have studied the U.S. navy's cetacean training exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying 'toxic dart' guns. Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a species considered to be among the planet's smartest. The U.S. navy admits it has been training dolphins for military purposes, but has refused to confirm that any are missing. Dolphins have been trained in attack-and-kill missions since the Cold War. The U.S. Atlantic bottlenose dolphins have apparently been taught to shoot terrorists attacking military vessels. Their coastal compound was breached during the storm, sweeping them out to sea. But those who have studied the controversial use of dolphins in the U.S. defence programme claim it is vital they are caught quickly."
What could be the porpoise of arming these creatures?
Before we starting carping on the ineptitude of our navy, I think we should more carefully exsalmon the situation - they may not be solely at fault. Perhaps Katrina is just a red herring here, and these killer dolphins have been floundering around for months. Maybe some deranged fool let them loose just for the halibut. Whoever is responsible should have their head on a pike.
We just send out the robot sharks to killed the armed dolphins. Then we send out the exploding whales to take out the robot sharks.
I, for one, welcome our new dolphin overlords.
All I asked for are some frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams on their heads!!
Thanks for all the fish!
So long and thanks for all the toxic darts..
Holy crap flipper just killed my entire family.
On a serious note I say the answer is to just buy a bunch of six packs of beer, drink em and then toss the can rings into the ocean. TV has told me this will kill all manner of marine life. TV is seldom innacurate.
What about the sharks with lasers on their heads? Were they at different facilities?
--- -- - -
Give me LIBERTY, or give me a check.
Doesn't the Navy have some sort of tracking system for their dolphins...? I'd assume so at least.
In 1972/2005 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court/accidentally released into the wild for a crime they didn't commit/by a hurricane.
These men/dolphins promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade/maximum security pool to the Los Angeles/Texas underground.
Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.
Warning - will work for mackerel.
I am a leaf on the wind
you forgot... blah blah blah do they run linux?
- You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have? ...Right.
- Dolphins.
-
- They're US Navy dolphins.
- Do they have frickin' dart guns attached to their heads?
- Absolutely.
- Oh well, that's a start.
In the communication, Skippy confirmed that he and the other dolphins were indeed armed, declared himself and his compatriots "freedom fighters" for an organization called the "Cetacean Liberation Front" or "CTF", and demanded that all other wrongfully imprisoned cetaceans be released immediately, or the group would initiate hostilities against surfers, SCUBA divers, and windsurfers.
The following is a transcript of this communication:
At this point, the administration still has issued no official statement concerning this situation.
____
~ |rip/\/\aster /\/\onkey
Flipper! Flipper!
He'll Dart you Faster than lightning
No Dolphin you see
Has more bloodlust than he
Thank the Navy! Navy!
For this stupendous new blunder
stalking there under...
under the sea!
Performing sanity checks on your own beliefs is vital in avoiding poisoned koolaid.
and thanks for all the guns.
Don't Crease the Weasel!
how the heck dolphins knows who is a terrorist? and if they are trained since the cold war, they are trained to kill comunists... now...how the heck dolphins knows who is a communist?
But those who have studied the controversial use of dolphins in the U.S. defence programme claim it is vital they are caught quickly.
I think they fear the notion of these dolphins training other dolphins to attack humans.
There's something about them. They make you institutionalized. At first you hate them. Then you learn to live with them. And before you know it, you find yourself depending on them.
"Conn, sonar! We have an unidentified contact, bearing three-five-niner, range unknown!"
"What the hell? That sounds really weird... I never heard anything that quiet, but yet surely, there's something th---"
"DARTS IN THE WATER! Incoming darts!"
Next day:
An American Sub Sunk During Routine Exercises
The DoD still hasn't released any detailes about the incident, although they have confirmed that a Seawolf class submarine took a hit from an unknown weapon during a routince training exercise in the northern part of the Atlantic. It is speculated that the submarine was wrongly identified as a terrorist vessel by a squadron of the Dolphin Anti-Terrorist Task force. The Departament of Defense refused to comment.
This is a sig. It is appended to the end of comments I post.
Hey, I just had a great idea for a B sci-fi movie! It's totally unrelated to what we're discussing here, but it involves killer dolphins and a big hurricane. The tagline: "God made them smart. Man made them killers. Nature set them free!"
General Lance Lord, we need you!
General "Ohhh, so now you like our dolphin jamming satellites!"
HOW did this get marked informative, when at best, you are funny (though not really). Just out of curiosity, would you know who that A.C. is that it running around and knocking one editor and trying to replace him with you?
I prefer the "u" in honour as it seems to be missing these days.
Just have big-breasted dolphins, and we have a hit on our hands here
Table-ized A.I.
Well, if the Navy Dolphins have been released, there can be only one solution... There is ony one team that can bring them back.
...
We must release the Navy Seals
(Sorry, had to be said)
Good security is based upon reality and common sense. Common sense is a function of having common knowledge.
This is the most brilliant thing you've ever seen here?
Resisting my immediate Pythonesque urge to say "No, it isn't." and start an argument (the long course), I thought about that.
I guess that might make Slashdot the antithesis of the US Air Force then. Their slogan is "aim high". Slashdots might be "aim low and keep sinking" (as far as particularly sharp witticisms go).
Obviously, this post just proves the point. My IronyDetector(TM) is in overload mode.
Anyway, I don't seal what the big flapper is about this cod-forsakenly-bad humour. This isn't the funniest bit since Noah's shark. And we keep hoping it dolphin ish up soon. Further posts could make folks crabby. You'd have to be a strange manta want more. It's an eel impulse, I tell you. Perch the thought!
(Okay, that was a poor copy of the original few, who used up most of the good seafood...)
-- Mal: "Well they tell you: never hit a man with a closed fist. But it is, on occasion, hilarious."
So basically, some marine biologist read "Ender's Game," and wrote a really good budget proposal....
"Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features Lotus Notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available."
...the dolphins are trained to kill insturgeons.
(sorry!)
"A week in the lab saves an hour in the library"
Hundreds of Tuna Fishermen have been killed from unknown toxins..
Now THATS dolphin safe tuna.
The road between democracy and tyranny is paved with secrecy in the name of security.
Somebody heard them say
"So long and thanks for all the fish"
I welcome our new dolphin overloards, until we get hungry and eat them or they strangle themselves on 6pack can fasteners.
All Hail King Snorky
F7 doesn't work, ignore spelling and grammar
Reminds me of "The Incredible Mr. Limpet" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058230/)
Really though, this could be interesting...
Genius, we'll cast Jessica Alba and put her in a bikini. In fact, forget the dolphins and the hurricane!
Stop it! You're killing the story with common sense! Can't you see that it was happy and free and then you came along and had to kill it. I hope you're happy now.
I read the internet for the articles.
Mammary slits, huh? That sounds hot.
After all, I am strangely colored.
Won't somebody PLEASE think of the tuna??
I don't know, but they can't be worse than the people they hire to work at airports currently. I mean, dolphins are supposed to be intelligent.
Doesn't it make you feel good to know that our freedoms are protected by politicans, lawyers and journalists.
and I was taught that the unloaded guns are the most dangerous ones.
----- If communism is a system where the government owns business, what do you call a system where business owns govern
to "neutralize" them by dropping their "payloads" on them.
One way or the other the idiot Yanks are gonna get us all killed one day.
Isn't it obvious that they were armed precisely because the hurricane was about to hit, so that if they were washed away they could fight their way back to civilization.
Many sea creatures were washed inland instead of out to see. It seems likely that at least one of them lost its memory in the accident. Cared for by some simple, ignorant folk after the hurricane, he's now making his way to Switzerland to investigate the only clue to his identity: a bank account number embedded into a microchip in his dorsal fin.
Woe be unto him and his handlers when he finds out his true nature.
Play Command HQ online
Shouldn't poison dart tipped dolphins be under Hardware Hacking with the other case mods?
Dolphins are mammals, not fish. If you're going to monkey around with species-related puns, at least stick to the same class of vertebrates. This has been the giant elephant in the room throughout this thread.
You know what they say; an armed society is a polite society. Have you heard of a single dolphin-on-dolphin crime using a toxic dartgun that occurred when both dolphin were armed?
I didn't think so.
The last few weeks have been hellish. My house in New Orleans flooded out, my TV was stolen by looters, my food and water by the mayor's thugs, and now there's a bunch of dolphins in my living room making me type for them. If there are any search geniuses out there, please help me find the current whereabouts of Flipper, as the lasers on their heads are starting to get unnerving. They promised to fry me if I can't find their god ... er ... Flipper.
Please help.
Perhaps the Dolphins were just defending their fish supply from the other dolphins who were trying to loot it.
Randy.Flood@RHCE2B.COM
It's real simple, when these critters run out of darts, they'll return for more; That's when they'll get recaptured. Of course, if any of these things wonder into a "Liquor and Ammo" store in the "Big Easy"; Well, I'd hate to think what would happen if these critters got drunk AND reloaded all at the same time. Just how intelligent are these killers?
Given how the Hurricane has rectified the Republicans redistricting problems in Lousiana by shifting the fast hoards of refugees (see: Southern Urban Democrats) to firmly Republican districts in Texas (A firmly Republican State)I think it was all a ploy by the sifty SOB's in the Conservative Think Tanks. Castro was right we have had the ability to control Hurricanes and use them as weapons.......
Sorry I have a strange thing about Fundy Conspiracy Theories.
--"Sorry for the inconvience." Gods Last Words to his Creation
DNA, So Long and Thanks for all the Fish
I for one, welcome our new Dolphin Overloards. Squee squee, masters.