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High-Tech Squirrels Trained to Conduct Espionage
Pcol writes "In the July 20 issue of the Washington Post, columnist Al Kamen reports that the BBC has translated a story headlined 'spying squirrels,' published in the Iranian newspaper Resalat on the use of trained animals to conduct espionage against their country: 'A few weeks ago, 14 squirrels equipped with espionage systems of foreign intelligence services were captured by [Iranian] intelligence forces along the country's borders. These trained squirrels, each of which weighed just over 700 grams, were released on the borders of the country for intelligence and espionage purposes.' According the story the squirrels had 'GPS devices, bugging instruments and advanced cameras' in their bodies. 'Given the fast speed and the special physical features of these animals, they provide special capabilities for spying operations. Once the animals return to their place of origin, the intelligence gathered by them is then offloaded. . . .' Iranian police officials captured the squirrels before they could carry out their assignments."
And I thought that Beaver was the best espionage tool... Go figure.
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. - Mark Twain
... the Iranian intelligence community have lost their collective nuts.
This story reads like an April Fools' joke.
I don't know about you, but my wireless router won't even work with my laptop when on different sides of the house. Perhaps a long string of relay squirrels is the answer?
"When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back!" -- Cave Johnson
nuf sed
Table-ized A.I.
...Until they see the sharks with lasers on their heads...
And wow, this has really gone all lengths through getting reported; As it stands now I am commenting on an article in the Washington Post, which reports that the BBC reported... yet another report by an Irani reporter.... Too much reports for today.
I, for one, welcome our new electronic-squirrel overlords.
This has Cheney written all over it.
Take the cheese to sickbay, the doctor should see it as soon as possible - B'Elanna Torres, "Learning Curve"
The CIA are trying to work out which trees should be bombed.
Azural - instrumentals
is Iran's main export product after oil and their government is full of religious nut cases, so this is just far too nutty...
Excuse me, but please get off my Pennisetum Clandestinum, eh!
is why were the Iranian police catching squirrels?
It's clear now who's REALLY running our intelligence services.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secret_Squirrel
The Other Animals Are Agin' Us
By Tim Bedore 2003
URL: http://www.vaguebuttrue.com/genius.htm
Did you see that in the paper the other day about those carp in the Mississippi River jumping into boats and bonking fisherman in the head? It's true. They're called big head carp, they're from Asia and they're attacking and severely injuring many fisherman.
Biologists claim the roar of boat motors agitates and excites these carp and they jump towards the sound but I think these biologists are naively missing an obvious connection. Fish are attacking fisherman. For the fish it's get them before they get you, kill or be killed. Even if these fisherman are practicing catch and release, that's a very painful, embarrassing experience for any fish and apparently they have had it.
What about the increase in mountain lion attacks? Great White sharks moving closer to shore? Moose have been showing up in towns and stomping on people. A squirrel was in my living room last spring. Am I the only one that sees a pattern here? People, wise up! The other animals are against us. It doesn't take a genius to see there's an inter-species conspiracy to thwart the urban expansion of man.
How do the squirrels fit in? Surveillance. They spy on what we people are doing in the cities and report back to the bigger species out there on the front lines.
And taken together these other species represent walking, we hope not yet talking, scratching, biting weapons of mass destruction. And if these other species can convince the insect world, for example a well known anti-human group like the killer bees, to join up our way of life and our democracy could be history.
The skeptical may ask why would these other species want to hurt us? Obviously, they hate us. They are jealous of our way of life. We swim in chlorinated, safe environment pools, then towel off and have an adult beverage. They are stuck eating sludge in the Mississippi, a river polluted by guess who: their mortal enemy man. And to top it all off we eat them.
This invasion of Asian carp is no accident. This is stage one of their well planned attack. We ignore the obvious at our own peril.
We can no longer sit back and wait for them to attack us. It's time we adopt a new doctrine regarding these other animals. We have to wipe out any and all species who are a lined against us, wherever they are. We can not rest until every big head carp, great white shark, mountain lion, moose and squirrel and any other species that associates with them are defeated.
If the U.N. wants to get involved fine, if not we can do it alone. Of course the British will show up, they always do, but we will fight to protect our way of life. And if you don't agree, you're an unpatriotic idiot who hates America.
-- 4 8 15 16 23 42
Secret Squirrel
And can someone please tell me if this post is a joke or if Iranians really think US is using squirrels, or if Iranians made this up for propoganda? Who's going to believe this...
God spoke to me.
Bullwinkle: Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.
Rocky: Again?
Bullwinkle: Presto!
Ahmadinejad: ROAR!!!
Bullwinkle: Oops, wrong hat.
Since when is Disney into weapons research?
Well, we do have Goofy in the Whitehouse.
Table-ized A.I.
In related news, British forces have been accused of releasing ferocious man-eating badgers in the Iraqi city of Basra. From the BBC article:
Word spread among the populace that UK troops had introduced strange man-eating, bear-like beasts into the area to sow panic.
But several of the creatures, caught and killed by local farmers, have been identified by experts as honey badgers.
The rumours spread because the animals had appeared near the British base at Basra airport.
UK military spokesman Major Mike Shearer said: "We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area.
Squirrels are IDEAL for this kind of work.
Everybody knows they can keep secrets.
------
beware he who would deny you access to information, for in his mind he dreams himself your master
Didn't they know that?
But seriously, the CIA tried something like that with a cat: http://mprofaca.cro.net/spycats.html "They tested him and tested him. They found he would walk off the job when he got hungry, so they put another wire in to override that."
And there have always been rumors about the Navy training dolphins. Given how capable trained dolphins are, that wouldn't be too surprising to me.
But squirrels? Can squirrels be trained? Why mess around with trained squirrels when they can use paid humans?
----------
Mailboxes Etc in Beverly Hills
In Iran, the penalty for espionage is spit roasting with potatoes and gravy...
Perhaps a Beowulf cluster of them?
Ben Hocking
Need a professional organizer?
s "resalat" Farsi for "onion"?
Warning: this article may contain humor, sarcasm, parody, and perhaps even irony. Read at your own risk.
Squirrels must maintain radio silence. Otherwise the Iranians could get a lock with their anti-squirrel missiles. It is a major investment of time and money to train a squirrel for espionage, and even if one doesn't care about the lives of these brave little critters, that investment must be protected.
Loose lips lose spit.
You and Natasha COMPLETELY missed the moose!
The latest Slashdot meme.
I knew it!
Veruca Salt has a hand in this!
It's obvious she was thrown into the garbage chute because she was going to interfere with their real work. Cracking open the nuts was just a diversion.
Mind controlled giant squids? Trained dolphins with sonar cannons on their backs? Sharks with lasers?
Four years ago, spiggl.de, a now defunct satire magazin visually resembling a top german news magazine, published a fake interview with the then chancellor Gerhard Schröder, in which he pronounce Germany's interest in establishing a nuclear strike capacity.
:-)
Two years ago, a iranian news agency found this fake interview and thought it was a reliable news source. They broke the story and there was a big bruha in Iran. The german consulate in Tehran even had to issue an official denial
A sunny May afternoon. Aziz, a low-ranking man in the Iranian defense force, has become overtaken by his hobby - filming voyeuristic squirrel porn - and has now taken it up even during his work hours
Aziz [holding a video camera, slobbering all over himself, and muttering audibly]: Ahhh yeaaaah... you go for that nut, sugar... go get it... go get it!
Squirrel [climbs tree, gets nut, eats]
Aziz [now muttering noticeably louder]: Yeah.... eat it... yeah.... that's what I'm talkin' about... ohhhhhhh yeaaaaahhhh...
Squirrel [continues to eat nut]
Captain Abu Rahman [enters stage right wearing a freshly starched Iranian uniform and a violently angry look on his face]: Aziz! [Aziz jumps to his feet, hoping the Captain won't notice his... errrr... excited state] What the HELL are you doing?
Aziz [sweat rolls from his body as the sun glints on his unzipped zipper and into his commanding officer's eye... his mind races at a million miles an hour as it gropes for some excuse - any excuse - for his presence and sick actions... suddenly, it comes to him] Uh... I was filming... spies!
Captain [curiously]: Spies? Looks to me more like squirrels, officer [seeing his unzipped fly and thinking, "ya sicko!"]
Aziz [innerly thinking "he might buy it! He could buy it!]: oh yes, spies! American ones! [sensing the need to ratchet it up a notch] Can you believe it, captain! The Americans have fitted these mere squirrels with secret spy devices! Why, they have been here for days, monitoring our every move, depositing secret messages in nuts, beaming information back to their base in America! I personally know that one observed you for the entire day yesterday! ["that might be laying it in a bit thick," Aziz thinks]
Captain [pondering... "yesterday? What was it following me for yesterday? What did I do yesterday?" - suddenly, a thought races through his mind like a bullet - "oh no! I was, err 'visiting' the major's wife yesterday! Now the Americans will know, and they will destroy my career!"]: Quick, Aziz! [draws his revolver] We must get these squirrels at all costs!
Aziz [the sweat stops, his heart leaps, and although he realize that he must sacrifice his beloveds, he also must save his job and keep his secret safe]: Yes, captain! Let's go get those yankee scum!
Why would you want a relay of squirrels when you could have a round robin? Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk...
Good. Cheap. Fast. Pick Two.
Resalat is one of the two ultra-conservative papers in Iran, the other is Kayhan (very close to Ayatollah Khamenei, the director, Shariatmadari is assigned by him and is also his adviser). Being government run papers they are extremely powerful in a sense that while more that 150 reformist/leftist papers have been shut down during the past 7 years, these two have left survived any litigation.
I occasionally read those when I was in Iran and believe it or not they are FoxNews-made-in-Iran. Anyway, try not to take them serious.
just thought someone might be interested!
Did they check inside the giant nutsack?
How ya like dat?
Rats wouldn't be ideal for all military applications, there are other rodents that may be more beneficial yet similar enough to be used instead. (I know there are a great many kinds rodents, but they are still much easier than trained dolphins, modified or not.)
Not to say I think it is real; however, its not unrealistic. A great deal of brain research is performed upon rodents and there is a lot of military related funding on technology of interest and its not impossible to have even a decade lead on some technology. (one only has to look at the dates of declassified research and how slowly they disclose it.) The USA was working on firing guns with the mind to cut reaction times back in the 60s and they only disclosed that they were even working on it about 5 years ago! I bet that an influential amount of related research came from that program's funding, which is what I think is the primary reason for the delay in its declassification. (I personally knew a man involved in that program who told me after he was allowed to do so.)
Again, I'm not saying it is real; it doesn't seem like a bad idea either... I'm not so limited to think that robots are the best answer to everything.
Democracy Now! - uncensored, anti-establishment news
It was widely reported several years ago that cats had been surgically modified to contain bugging instruments, a small power supply, and a broadcasting antenna that ran the length of the animal's tail.
I believe the original test subjects were released in NYC and were dead within 24 hours. See, one of the requirements for the plan to be fruitful was a high population density to increase the chance of picking up something interesting... unfortunately the level of traffic in these areas is not healthy for stray kitties with no street experience. The surgery also included a type of disabling of the cat's hunger response so that it would stay in the vicinity of the area it was released and not go running off immediately in search of food.
Here is one link to info, but I am not familiar with the site or their specific version of events: http://mprofaca.cro.net/spycats.html.
The NPR archives should turn something up as that is where I first heard of project 'Acoustic Kitty.'
Regards.
...the U.S. is suffering from a lack of squirrel spy's. We must, as a nation, develop an equal squirrel spy system. If both the U.S. and the muslim world have squirrel spies, neither would deploy them for fear of equal retribution. We could create a stalemate, wherein we would only deploy tactical chipmunks, and keep our squirrels, and dare I say, 2 megaton raccoons, in reserve. The next step is obvious, a squirrel defence shield.
Instead of keeping the squirrels, they should have replaced the surveillance gear with tiny little bomb vests and let them go.
If necessary, they could also indoctrinate the squirrels with rumors of 72 virgin squirrels awaiting them in the afterlife.
They tried, but:
1) Squirrels are better at math than jihadis. They spot the 72 virgin con easily.
2) Squirrels aren't all that picky about the virgin thing anyhow.
Actually, we have had problems with suicidal squirrels around here. Every once in a while the power will go out and they'll find a very crispy squirrel near a chewed-on power cable. I don't think that tiny little bomb vests would add much to the effect.
Sending in secret ninja squirrels to rescue the American hostages in Iran is sadly more likely than any other forceful action to get them released.
Wikipedia already has the operation and underlying technology behind squirrel espionage outlined.
Deltron 3030 - Virus (music video)
Interesting that the column refers to 'BBC translators' with no link. There's no sign of this story on the BBC website. Would it be cynical of me to suggest that the columnist has inflated this story out of hearsay?
Since these squirrels no doubt came from Asia, this clearly should be called a Redundant Array of Independent Dremomys.
(Yes, I spent too much time researching what became a very lame joke. :P)
Ben Hocking
Need a professional organizer?
During WWII the UK used Carrier Pigeons to deliver plans. The Nazis got wise and gave orders to shoot pigeons on sight.
Although the UK had some rather nasty ideas of their own:
"A thousand pigeons, each with a two ounce explosive capsule, landed at intervals on a specific target might be a seriously inconvenient surprise."
Is Bullwinkle aware of this?????