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High-Tech Squirrels Trained to Conduct Espionage
Pcol writes "In the July 20 issue of the Washington Post, columnist Al Kamen reports that the BBC has translated a story headlined 'spying squirrels,' published in the Iranian newspaper Resalat on the use of trained animals to conduct espionage against their country: 'A few weeks ago, 14 squirrels equipped with espionage systems of foreign intelligence services were captured by [Iranian] intelligence forces along the country's borders. These trained squirrels, each of which weighed just over 700 grams, were released on the borders of the country for intelligence and espionage purposes.' According the story the squirrels had 'GPS devices, bugging instruments and advanced cameras' in their bodies. 'Given the fast speed and the special physical features of these animals, they provide special capabilities for spying operations. Once the animals return to their place of origin, the intelligence gathered by them is then offloaded. . . .' Iranian police officials captured the squirrels before they could carry out their assignments."
The squirrels aren't wireless(?).
And I thought that Beaver was the best espionage tool... Go figure.
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. - Mark Twain
... the Iranian intelligence community have lost their collective nuts.
This story reads like an April Fools' joke.
nuf sed
Table-ized A.I.
...Until they see the sharks with lasers on their heads...
And wow, this has really gone all lengths through getting reported; As it stands now I am commenting on an article in the Washington Post, which reports that the BBC reported... yet another report by an Irani reporter.... Too much reports for today.
I, for one, welcome our new electronic-squirrel overlords.
This has Cheney written all over it.
Take the cheese to sickbay, the doctor should see it as soon as possible - B'Elanna Torres, "Learning Curve"
The CIA are trying to work out which trees should be bombed.
Azural - instrumentals
is Iran's main export product after oil and their government is full of religious nut cases, so this is just far too nutty...
Excuse me, but please get off my Pennisetum Clandestinum, eh!
Seems fairly barbaric - one day this will be done by microscopic robots that can fly.
is why were the Iranian police catching squirrels?
It's clear now who's REALLY running our intelligence services.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secret_Squirrel
haha there aren't squirrels in Australia so these pesky little squirrels wouldn't last long at all without blowing their cover hehe. I think this is a great idea for espionage, why, what will they think of next? using pidgeons or something equally as stupid. Whatever happened to defecting to the enemy or putting a mole behind enemy lines..... wait......mole? what if the next step is using moles in a more literal sense - I mean, they'd have my entire yard mapped out in detail!
Here are some better ones.
MSNBC
Wired
Since when is Disney into weapons research ?
The Other Animals Are Agin' Us
By Tim Bedore 2003
URL: http://www.vaguebuttrue.com/genius.htm
Did you see that in the paper the other day about those carp in the Mississippi River jumping into boats and bonking fisherman in the head? It's true. They're called big head carp, they're from Asia and they're attacking and severely injuring many fisherman.
Biologists claim the roar of boat motors agitates and excites these carp and they jump towards the sound but I think these biologists are naively missing an obvious connection. Fish are attacking fisherman. For the fish it's get them before they get you, kill or be killed. Even if these fisherman are practicing catch and release, that's a very painful, embarrassing experience for any fish and apparently they have had it.
What about the increase in mountain lion attacks? Great White sharks moving closer to shore? Moose have been showing up in towns and stomping on people. A squirrel was in my living room last spring. Am I the only one that sees a pattern here? People, wise up! The other animals are against us. It doesn't take a genius to see there's an inter-species conspiracy to thwart the urban expansion of man.
How do the squirrels fit in? Surveillance. They spy on what we people are doing in the cities and report back to the bigger species out there on the front lines.
And taken together these other species represent walking, we hope not yet talking, scratching, biting weapons of mass destruction. And if these other species can convince the insect world, for example a well known anti-human group like the killer bees, to join up our way of life and our democracy could be history.
The skeptical may ask why would these other species want to hurt us? Obviously, they hate us. They are jealous of our way of life. We swim in chlorinated, safe environment pools, then towel off and have an adult beverage. They are stuck eating sludge in the Mississippi, a river polluted by guess who: their mortal enemy man. And to top it all off we eat them.
This invasion of Asian carp is no accident. This is stage one of their well planned attack. We ignore the obvious at our own peril.
We can no longer sit back and wait for them to attack us. It's time we adopt a new doctrine regarding these other animals. We have to wipe out any and all species who are a lined against us, wherever they are. We can not rest until every big head carp, great white shark, mountain lion, moose and squirrel and any other species that associates with them are defeated.
If the U.N. wants to get involved fine, if not we can do it alone. Of course the British will show up, they always do, but we will fight to protect our way of life. And if you don't agree, you're an unpatriotic idiot who hates America.
-- 4 8 15 16 23 42
Secret Squirrel
And can someone please tell me if this post is a joke or if Iranians really think US is using squirrels, or if Iranians made this up for propoganda? Who's going to believe this...
God spoke to me.
Bullwinkle: Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.
Rocky: Again?
Bullwinkle: Presto!
Ahmadinejad: ROAR!!!
Bullwinkle: Oops, wrong hat.
I thought moles were the most successful spy creatures. In fact I think, if Iranian intelligence was wasting it's time on this, it needs to go find the mole that has been successful in its mission.
In related news, British forces have been accused of releasing ferocious man-eating badgers in the Iraqi city of Basra. From the BBC article:
Word spread among the populace that UK troops had introduced strange man-eating, bear-like beasts into the area to sow panic.
But several of the creatures, caught and killed by local farmers, have been identified by experts as honey badgers.
The rumours spread because the animals had appeared near the British base at Basra airport.
UK military spokesman Major Mike Shearer said: "We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area.
I, for one, welcome our new spying squirrel overlords!
Then they're clearly not part of a crack intelligence team...
"Win treats sysadmins better than users. Mac treats users better than sysadmins. Linux treats everyone like sysadmins."
Didn't they know that?
But seriously, the CIA tried something like that with a cat: http://mprofaca.cro.net/spycats.html "They tested him and tested him. They found he would walk off the job when he got hungry, so they put another wire in to override that."
And there have always been rumors about the Navy training dolphins. Given how capable trained dolphins are, that wouldn't be too surprising to me.
But squirrels? Can squirrels be trained? Why mess around with trained squirrels when they can use paid humans?
----------
Mailboxes Etc in Beverly Hills
In Iran, the penalty for espionage is spit roasting with potatoes and gravy...
Perhaps a Beowulf cluster of them?
Ben Hocking
Need a professional organizer?
Back in the 70s the CIA Directorate of Science and Technology had plans for an "Acoustic Cat". The plan was to surgically alter it, insert batteries and turn its tail into an aerial. It was apparently run over by a taxi before it could be trained for its mission.
s "resalat" Farsi for "onion"?
Warning: this article may contain humor, sarcasm, parody, and perhaps even irony. Read at your own risk.
Instead of keeping the squirrels, they should have replaced the surveillance gear with tiny little bomb vests and let them go.
If necessary, they could also indoctrinate the squirrels with rumors of 72 virgin squirrels awaiting them in the afterlife.
You and Natasha COMPLETELY missed the moose!
The latest Slashdot meme.
From DSL/Broadband Reports' security forum thread, robotic flies created.
Ant(Dude) @ Quality Foraged Links (AQFL.net) & The Ant Farm (antfarm.ma.cx / antfarm.home.dhs.org).
Think of the squirrels... you insensitive clod!
This just in: a spy camel loaded with camera gear was just arrested lurking outside the White House, trying to look inconspicuous. Cheney told reporters: "Obviously it was planted by the Iranians. This is cause to go to war!" He then rode off on a wooden horse, blowing a tin bugle and cackling insanely, leaving a trail of oil and carnage behind him. After throwing their notes away, reporters retired for a drink... make that, many drinks.
We don't need no stinkin badgers!
Fight Spammers!
When something like this happens, normally hundreds of squirrels are released. I guess the rest are still roaming around gathering data. Better get my tinfoil hat on and have the slingshot handy.
Give Kashyyyk back to the Wookies
From Modesto Bee (also covered on BBC):
Lots of exciting visual images to be conjured with this next item. A crazed squirrel unleashed its wrath on the German town of Passau, biting three people in a frenzied attack that ended when the poor little critter got pummeled to death by an old man with a cane, Reuters reported. The rodent first jumped through a living room window and sank its teeth into the hand of a 70-year-old woman. She ran into the street in a panic the animal still hanging by its teeth from her hand and finally managed to shake the animal free. (I am imagining a lot of harried screaming and zigzagging, too, but the stories I found didnt address that). The squirrel then bit a construction worker and ran into a nearby garden, where it massively attacked a 72-year-old man on the arms, hands and thigh. After a lengthy struggle, the man was able to kill the squirrel with his cane. Experts said the attack may have been linked to the mating season or happened because the animal was ill. Hey, speaking of mating season"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that ones work is terribly important." -BRussell
Secret squirrel finally becomes a reality. I bet they were all wearing trench coats and big purple hats with eye-holes in them.
Mind controlled giant squids? Trained dolphins with sonar cannons on their backs? Sharks with lasers?
Ayatollah Boris says...
"Forget moose. Must get squirrel!"
How stupid do they think their population is? With all of this obvious propaganda and lies you hear from them, you would think it'll be only so long before Ahmadinejad and his cronies fall out of favor.
just wait till the new 65nm spy chips come out and they can reduce the spies to chipmunks and sugargliders.
People who trained these animals must have watched a lot of Secret Squirrel when they were kids.
The squirrels are given pouches containing cyanide-laced acorns, ready for quick consumption should they have to endure hostile interrogation.
Four years ago, spiggl.de, a now defunct satire magazin visually resembling a top german news magazine, published a fake interview with the then chancellor Gerhard Schröder, in which he pronounce Germany's interest in establishing a nuclear strike capacity.
:-)
Two years ago, a iranian news agency found this fake interview and thought it was a reliable news source. They broke the story and there was a big bruha in Iran. The german consulate in Tehran even had to issue an official denial
Secret Squirrel!
A sunny May afternoon. Aziz, a low-ranking man in the Iranian defense force, has become overtaken by his hobby - filming voyeuristic squirrel porn - and has now taken it up even during his work hours
Aziz [holding a video camera, slobbering all over himself, and muttering audibly]: Ahhh yeaaaah... you go for that nut, sugar... go get it... go get it!
Squirrel [climbs tree, gets nut, eats]
Aziz [now muttering noticeably louder]: Yeah.... eat it... yeah.... that's what I'm talkin' about... ohhhhhhh yeaaaaahhhh...
Squirrel [continues to eat nut]
Captain Abu Rahman [enters stage right wearing a freshly starched Iranian uniform and a violently angry look on his face]: Aziz! [Aziz jumps to his feet, hoping the Captain won't notice his... errrr... excited state] What the HELL are you doing?
Aziz [sweat rolls from his body as the sun glints on his unzipped zipper and into his commanding officer's eye... his mind races at a million miles an hour as it gropes for some excuse - any excuse - for his presence and sick actions... suddenly, it comes to him] Uh... I was filming... spies!
Captain [curiously]: Spies? Looks to me more like squirrels, officer [seeing his unzipped fly and thinking, "ya sicko!"]
Aziz [innerly thinking "he might buy it! He could buy it!]: oh yes, spies! American ones! [sensing the need to ratchet it up a notch] Can you believe it, captain! The Americans have fitted these mere squirrels with secret spy devices! Why, they have been here for days, monitoring our every move, depositing secret messages in nuts, beaming information back to their base in America! I personally know that one observed you for the entire day yesterday! ["that might be laying it in a bit thick," Aziz thinks]
Captain [pondering... "yesterday? What was it following me for yesterday? What did I do yesterday?" - suddenly, a thought races through his mind like a bullet - "oh no! I was, err 'visiting' the major's wife yesterday! Now the Americans will know, and they will destroy my career!"]: Quick, Aziz! [draws his revolver] We must get these squirrels at all costs!
Aziz [the sweat stops, his heart leaps, and although he realize that he must sacrifice his beloveds, he also must save his job and keep his secret safe]: Yes, captain! Let's go get those yankee scum!
I was just trying to find the nuts in Iran. Good job, squirrels!
This was on the heels of a similar story last week, in which the British armed forces were being blamed for giant badgers terrorizing the Iraqi city of Basra. Perhaps we're seeing a new chapter unfold in the war on terror. . .how long will it be before the first squadron of Al Qaeda-trained owls is deployed to combat this latest allied initiative?
They're "...nutty as squirrel poo!"
Resalat is one of the two ultra-conservative papers in Iran, the other is Kayhan (very close to Ayatollah Khamenei, the director, Shariatmadari is assigned by him and is also his adviser). Being government run papers they are extremely powerful in a sense that while more that 150 reformist/leftist papers have been shut down during the past 7 years, these two have left survived any litigation.
I occasionally read those when I was in Iran and believe it or not they are FoxNews-made-in-Iran. Anyway, try not to take them serious.
just thought someone might be interested!
Secret AAAAAAAGENT Squirrel! Secret AAAAAAAAAGENT Squirrel!
Kwisatz Haderach
Sell the spice to CHOAM
This Mahdi took Shaddam's Throne
They used to spy with a Mole in the Ministry.
"Flyin' in just a sweet place,
Never been known to fail..."
Surface dwelling intel critters were just the beginning. And God forgive them if they ever make us unleash the sharks with frickin laser beams!!
I scream. You scream. I assume that means we're both acquainted with the problem. We proceed.
it's not.
They even have pictures of the little spies:
http://img.fark.com/images/squirrel.jpg
Wow. Never thought I get to use that pic and be ontopic.
with the killer Rabbit of Caerbannog. Makes a mean duo.
If you could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people
Rats wouldn't be ideal for all military applications, there are other rodents that may be more beneficial yet similar enough to be used instead. (I know there are a great many kinds rodents, but they are still much easier than trained dolphins, modified or not.)
Not to say I think it is real; however, its not unrealistic. A great deal of brain research is performed upon rodents and there is a lot of military related funding on technology of interest and its not impossible to have even a decade lead on some technology. (one only has to look at the dates of declassified research and how slowly they disclose it.) The USA was working on firing guns with the mind to cut reaction times back in the 60s and they only disclosed that they were even working on it about 5 years ago! I bet that an influential amount of related research came from that program's funding, which is what I think is the primary reason for the delay in its declassification. (I personally knew a man involved in that program who told me after he was allowed to do so.)
Again, I'm not saying it is real; it doesn't seem like a bad idea either... I'm not so limited to think that robots are the best answer to everything.
Democracy Now! - uncensored, anti-establishment news
How do the Iranian police know the squirrels' assignments? Did they ask the squirrels or something? "We have ways of making you talk..."
-proidiot
It was widely reported several years ago that cats had been surgically modified to contain bugging instruments, a small power supply, and a broadcasting antenna that ran the length of the animal's tail.
I believe the original test subjects were released in NYC and were dead within 24 hours. See, one of the requirements for the plan to be fruitful was a high population density to increase the chance of picking up something interesting... unfortunately the level of traffic in these areas is not healthy for stray kitties with no street experience. The surgery also included a type of disabling of the cat's hunger response so that it would stay in the vicinity of the area it was released and not go running off immediately in search of food.
Here is one link to info, but I am not familiar with the site or their specific version of events: http://mprofaca.cro.net/spycats.html.
The NPR archives should turn something up as that is where I first heard of project 'Acoustic Kitty.'
Regards.
...the U.S. is suffering from a lack of squirrel spy's. We must, as a nation, develop an equal squirrel spy system. If both the U.S. and the muslim world have squirrel spies, neither would deploy them for fear of equal retribution. We could create a stalemate, wherein we would only deploy tactical chipmunks, and keep our squirrels, and dare I say, 2 megaton raccoons, in reserve. The next step is obvious, a squirrel defence shield.
Sounds like a bad advertisement for Clusters cereal.
> These trained squirrels, each of which weighed just over 700 grams, were released on the borders of the country for intelligence and espionage purposes.
This is nuts. Literally. Trained Squirrels? All they'll find is nut stashes along the border and maybe get some squirrel p0rn.
Do they really think these Squirrels will run around with little binoculars searching for WMDs? Someone has been watching too much Rocky and Bulwinkle.
- Start with the Iranian police or security forces who have been tasked with intercepting these trained, border-penetrating squirrels. How do you work yourself into that particular job? What are the opportunities for career advancement? Where do you go after serving in Squirrel Patrol?
- Just what are the chances of a squirrel surviving in the middle of the desert? I don't care how much training it's had - it just seems like a very non-squirrel-hospitable environment. And they would have to cross it not once, but twice -- once on the way in and again on the way back, because....
-
"Once the animals return to their place of origin
..." So we have GPS equipped homing squirrels? Is it just the good Marine training or is this a new phase in rodent evolution? How long before rats and mice develop this capability? How long before the squirrels themselves start training and equipping the rats?
-
"...the intelligence gathered by them is then offloaded" . Whoa. Bluetooth rodents! WiFlying Cyber Squirrels! I'd love to see the USB port on that pet.
- The Iranians seem to be way ahead of us (since it's an "us" vs. "them" administration) in anti-squirrel interception. This is a serious squirrel tracking gap, probably requiring a major increase in funding for our own squirrel deployment and infiltration branch (think about it
... we've already spent money on squirrel tutoring. Your tax dollars at work.)
Alvin!!!!!!!The Russians have won. They have made the world a cesspool of distrust, greed, fear and hate.
Those were Jack Bauer's hairs. And he wants them back. Looks like we'll be getting that war with Iran, after all.
Help poke pirates in the eyepatch, arr.
Tactical Epiosinage Action: Metal Gear Squirrel
Ready Simon? Ready Theodore? Ready Alvin? Alvin? Alvin? ALVIN!!!
(OK, stop already; I know there's a difference between squirrels and chipmunks.)
licet differant, aequabitur
I think the next animal would have to be sloths. My friend's dad has a truly hilarious story from when he was in Vietnam (or maybe Korea? Where do the sloths live?) When he got there, his CO gave him a fairly basic rundown of Do's and Don'ts, and at the end of it he said "Oh yeah, don't fuck with the sloths." Later, he was out on patrol or something, and the group happened to run across a sloth on the ground. So, naturally, they decided to have some fun with the sloth. They got a couple of sticks, and poked it, and basically decided to torment the sloth for no reason other than that they had been told not to. Then one of them stepped in to kick it. The sloth spins around, swings with the claws, and opens a big hole in the guys steel-toed boots. It then lets out a piercing scream, and books it up a tree. When they get back, the guy decides to go see about getting a new pair of boots, and the quartermaster looks at him with this knowing grin and says: "You fucked with a sloth, didn't you?"
I have no idea how true this story may be. I detected no lies, but he is really quite good at telling lies with a straight face. Makes sense though, when you've got an animal that is slow, does not breed heavily, is not poisonous, and is made of tasty meat, it's gotta have some defense mechanism.
I see your informative link, and raise you a pithy comment.
The White House issued a statement today that we will be proceeding with an investigation in the possibility that Iran is in fact hiding or aiding in the concealment of a vast quantity of NMC's, or Nuts of Mass Consumption. Early reports indicate that the nuts in question were intercepted by the French on their way to a Jericho revival party. This could be the beginning of Nostradomus' famed Peanut Butter Jelly War of the 21st century.
Misconceptions about Iran are one of the major ways in which the U.S. population is being led into war. Take a look at some tourist photography of Tehran.
Remember; when American bombs start falling on this country, odd men in the dust with AK-47s are not the ones being killed. We will be murdering millions of people in highly developed first world population centers. --With snow in the Winter, grass and trees and squirrels in the Summer with kids in the park; modern public busses to the modern public library and people going to work in modern offices; a country which is VERY recognizable and similar to our own in many ways.
Why do you think you have been sold the idea of AK-47's in the desert?
This war may well be even worse and more horrific than the one in Iraq because there's a much higher probability of nuclear bombs being used. And just think: it's going to happen because Americans are too well programmed by their video games and their ADD entertainment and false news casts.
Bush needs to be removed from office and put in a psychiatric ward right now, before this horror can be visited upon the human race.
-FL
Squirrel spies on, ummm..
???... no, wait! -
YOU spy on squirrel! (for a change)
.
- aqk
F U
Just what are the chances of a squirrel surviving in the middle of the desert?
Iran is no desert. It's a very fertile and beautyfull land, that just happens have been brainwashed by nearby Arabs some 1000 years ago.
Wikipedia already has the operation and underlying technology behind squirrel espionage outlined.
Deltron 3030 - Virus (music video)
Aljizera> how do you respond the clams that you are repeatedly bombing all of the trees of Iraq
CIA> our highly trained crake squadron have identified them as stores of valuable resources that might be used against us.
Aljizera> what like birds eggs ?
CIA> the word from our operative is "nuts" in potentially and potently weapons of mass destruction and aliens, but mostly we just hear about nuts
Aljizera>.....
CIA> thank you all for coming and let me assure you that we shall leave no tree un bombed in our search for nuts
Aljizera to BBC> if you ask me i think he has gone nuts
Whoever set those squirrels loose, should have fed them some cola first. Then no puny human would have been able to catch them.
Seriously, if they were going to use sqirrels for something, they would have used them to short out Iranian power substations. Squirrels are a natural for that.
Nice One, Squirrel!
Posts, MyBio or Sig, may contain satire, sarcasm, bolded nouns be sardonic or even witty & be Church of SD
Interesting that the column refers to 'BBC translators' with no link. There's no sign of this story on the BBC website. Would it be cynical of me to suggest that the columnist has inflated this story out of hearsay?
Then you can put 1 OZ of poison toxic gas to be released and kill the insurgents, the Lemming if it is smart will run home.
Liberty freedom are no1, not dicks in suits.
Man-eating Badger link.
Squirrel training videos
Stripped squirrels would be too easily confused with chipmunks. Spying chipmunks is a different department ... and the chipmunk would need to be named Alvin.
Since these squirrels no doubt came from Asia, this clearly should be called a Redundant Array of Independent Dremomys.
(Yes, I spent too much time researching what became a very lame joke. :P)
Ben Hocking
Need a professional organizer?
I *loathe* tree rats, and here's another reason....
mark "like I really believe they've trained them"
:-)
But seriously, For a humorous report on just such an experiment and its analysis, see: "Squirrel Fishing; A new approach to rodent performance evaluation"; Nikolas Gloy and Yasuhiro Endo; Division of Engineering and Applied Sciences; Harvard University
My dog is totally freaked by squirrels. She goes completely nuts, whining and fussing if she even *smells* one, let alone sees one. Given that we live on the edge of a small forest, the freak-outs are a daily (or better) event. I had no idea squirrels were conducting stealth surveilence operations. I guess my dog was right all along. To all you cat lovers out there: Let's see you cat do that!
New Music!
During WWII the UK used Carrier Pigeons to deliver plans. The Nazis got wise and gave orders to shoot pigeons on sight.
Although the UK had some rather nasty ideas of their own:
"A thousand pigeons, each with a two ounce explosive capsule, landed at intervals on a specific target might be a seriously inconvenient surprise."
How can any comment related to "SPY SQUIRRELS" get modded up for being 'Insightful' *gasp*
Secret Squirrel would be proud. Question is do they get the a high tech sidekick too? and is pay in acorns or what?
"Jazz isn't dead, it just smells funny" ~Frank Zappa
EdelFactor
Try my Squirrel Zappers! - Precious Roy
Are you saying that we might have a Squirrel Gap?
What if the enemy has 100 Squirrels? Shouldn't we have 150 Squirrels ready to deploy at a moment's notice?
Ladies and Gentlemen, let us not fall behind in the oh so vital area of RBE (Rodent Based Espionage)!
If we let countries like Iran, North Korea or France get ahead of us in this arena we are NUTS!
You all laugh at Squirrel Girl. Now it's time for payback!
(-1: Post disagrees with my already-settled worldview) is not a valid mod option.
...is going to have a problem with this.
I mean; think about it.
(honestly, I'd use rats - they're MUCH heartier and smarter).
Implant them with say, a gieger counter, such that the rat (only the rat) receives a stimulus when the detector is set off.
Then train the rat to associate food with counter ticks. (run him through a maze, with a radiation source under the cheese).
Finally, along with the geiger counter, you've also implanted a gps receiver, and a transmitter.
Rat finds the secret, hidden nuclear bomb lab, and transmits the coordinates back to the spooks.
QED.
These are my friends, See how they glisten. See this one shine, how he smiles in the light.
We need moose and squirrel teams. Boris and Natasha are in trouble now....
They should have used beavers. Everyone knows that the beaver is the most dangerous animal in the world...
Think about the lowly cock roach—that's the perfect animal for this type of thing. Even if you could catch them to prevent your enemies from offloading the intel...ewww! Roaches!
but have you considered the following argument: shut up.