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Microsoft to Spy on Employees
4T writes "Forget about monitoring your computers with spyware, now they're going to monitor the users as well!
'Microsoft is developing Big Brother-style software capable of remotely monitoring a worker's productivity, physical wellbeing and competence.
The Times has seen a patent application filed by the company for a computer system that links workers to their computers via wireless sensors that measure their metabolism. The system would allow managers to monitor employees' performance by measuring their heart rate, body temperature, movement, facial expression and blood pressure. Unions said they fear that employees could be dismissed on the basis of a computer's assessment of their physiological state.'"
http://www.visar.com/AssistedSuicide.gif
anything like this?
Politics is Treachery, Religion is Brainwashing
One of my old employers had this, us in IT hated it and regularly disrupted it or gave users info on how to disable it.
The coolest thing I ever saw was one of the IT guys was able to add a signature into the virus scan software for it and it uninstalled it district wide one night.
Pissed the director of operations off big time when he couldn't spy...
Posting ANON as I know he reads here.... HI DAVE! throwing chairs yet?
The check on metabolism could be useful. Someone could die in this office and nobody would notice for a week.
There's an easy way to game the system and get it to read out that you are functioning at near infinite productivity. The system is set to handle all motions that resemble throwing a chair as super-productive. I hear it is a zeroday that has to do with the model they used for peak effeciency.
I got a catholic block.
The only things it monitors is biometrics such as heart rate, etc? Well then why not add a camera. I mean how will they tell the difference between raised heart rate and breathing from work exertion compared to that of furious masturbation? I wouldn't be surprised if they start canning employees for "working" a little too hard wink wink nudge nudge. Also sounds a little soviet to me.... In soviet russia computer monitor you!
For once, I'll be glad to give IT help to our female temps.
If you haven't made a developer cry, you've wasted a day.
... knowing about the functioning of my kidneys!
*yank*
Don't worry, we'll just outsource the wearing of our biometrics to people in southeast asia.
Time to make outsourcing work for us!
ad logicam Claiming a proposition is false because it was presented as the conclusion of a fallacious argument.
Security-Central: Looks like we have a dropper again..
Monitor1: User death imminent.
Monitor2: OK, notify MicroMorgue to fire up the incinerator, and dispatch two lawyers to deal with the family members. Send the wife a complimentary vista discount cupon.
Monitor1: Wait, he moved...
Monitor2: HOLD, ignore that MicroMorgue order and get the lawyers back to the Antitrust dep. again.
Monitor1: Hes fine, great. Another buck saved, however Thompson in dep. 2 doesnt look entirely healthy.
Monitor2: Inject 1500 MG of Vitamin-C in Subject 7271 Sector 1G, cubicle 1235.
Security-Central: Injecting vitamin-C now, #1000001, (Blue Screen of Death)
Monitor2: What the He..?
Monitor1: Cr*p! The d*mn machine broke down during the vitamin-c injection.
Monitor2: Uh, oh.... Thomson is running around naked, and thats no joystick...
Monitor1: Run the backup servers and have him injected with 15 mg SleepWell 2000.
Monitor2: The backup servers are runnin Linux...
Monitor1: Were screwed!
What this world is coming to - is for you and me to decide.
Oh wait
This brings on a new meaning to the phrase "fired due to a computer glitch".
"We are all geniuses when we dream"
- E.M. Cioran
I'm sure "chair throwing" will be overlooked. Well, at LEAST from the executive part of Microsoft.
1. monitor cardio and take turns visiting subject. The player achieving highest heart rate and blood pressure with the subject wins.
2. the same, but now you're only allowed to use the phone.
3. monitor keyboard activity. The goal now is to cause the longest possible pause without the subject leaving the cubicle.
"Given your heart rate, looks that you will be throwing a chair soon. Would you like help with that?"
Clippy pops up on my screen: "It looks like you are extremely frustrated with your current job? Would you like my assistance in composing your resume?"
It looks like your heart rate has dropped below 200 bpm.
Would you like some more coffee?
----------------------------------- My Other Sig Is Hilarious -----------------------------------
Take that!
Virginia is for lovers. EVE is for griefers.
* Special conditions: the employee agrees that any excess electricity generated by the employee in the patented chamber will be available for use by the Company, at no charge.
The system would allow managers to monitor employees' performance by measuring their heart rate, body temperature, movement, facial expression and blood pressure.
I propose the Ballmer scale. All these measurements combined add up much as SpamAssasin rating system.
0.0. Normal state, even slightly happy.
0.1. Slightly upset, nothing to worry about.
0.2. Upset. Something's going on with this guy but he won't make it evident.
0.4. Angry. He's having a bad day, he'll be fine tomorrow.
0.6. Furious. Avoid when possible. Do not step in his way.
0.8. Very furious. Considered dangerous. Contact law enforcement immediately.
1.0. Berserker. Expect exploding forehead veins and mayor damage to company's furniture.
It looks like you're trying to kill yourself!
Would you like help?
* Get help with killing yourself.
* Just kill yourself without help.
O Show me this tip every time I start to show signs of optimism.
Of course, we offer a very generous benefits package including two weeks paid vacation, a number of paid holidays, matching 401k, full medical and dental and best of all, we'll let you choose from one of six vibrantly colored catheters that will placed in your ass for sampling throughout your workday. Where do I sign up?
The Word 2003 options dialog box has eleven tabs. How stupid do you have to be not to be able to find the "fuck up what I type" checkbox, especially when it isn't labelled correctly?