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Researchers Discover How To Make the Perfect Phone Call
Having made amazing discoveries such as how to make the perfect cheese sandwich, linking heavy caffeine use to sleeplessness, and figuring out where all the teaspoons have gone, science has made the greatest breakthrough yet. They have uncovered the secrets of making the perfect phone call. The perfect phone call clocks in at a mere 9 minutes and 36 seconds, easily 11 minutes shorter than any conversation I've ever had with my mom. Unlike a call to mom, the perfect phone call is almost devoid of any gossip about her divorced neighbor and her heavily tattooed daughter. Instead three minutes should be spent catching up with news about family and friends, one minute on personal problems, a minute on work/school, 42 seconds on current affairs, 24 seconds on the weather, and 24 seconds talking about the opposite sex. What's left of your 9 mins 36 secs is a free for all.
This is not science.
This is not "stuff that matters"
This is not "news for nerds"
Why the hell are you posting this crap?
And as you tread the halls of sanity, You feel so glad to be, Unable to go beyond. I have a message, From another time..
In my world, a perfect phone call wouldn't involve my mother at all.
Just send an SMS.
"I'm just here to regulate funkiness."
If only they could discover how to make the perfect first post.
Facts are history now plebs have politics for religion on social media.
I'd rather just not be on the phone at all.
Is the heavily tattooed daughter single?
Has "perfect" taken on a new meaning? The summary didn't explain, and neither did the freaking article as to what they mean by "perfect" or "ideal." Is this merely what the researchers themselves prefered? "9:36 is the ideal time, because that's exactly how long it takes me to walk from my lab to my house."
NOT SCIENCE DAMNIT!!
My idea of the perfect phone call, is the one I miss!
"Profane Muthafucka, It's for you"
"Tell them I'm on the toilet and if it's important they can send me an email."
Fascism trolls keeping me up every night. When I starts a preachin', he HITS ME WITH HIS REICH!
- 5-8 hours long
- Speaking to a member of the opposite sex who I am romantically interested in
- May or may not be G-rated in parts
- Costs under $2
- (Definitely not a phone sex line - never called one of those)
These posts express my own personal views, not those of my employer
... the area code for these "perfect calls" all start with 1-900...
And the king of calls is the Prison / jail call.
Instead three minutes should be spent catching up with news about family and friends, one minute on personal problems, a minute on work/school, 42 seconds on current affairs, 24 seconds on the weather, and 24 seconds talking about the opposite sex
I am currently doing your heavily tattooed daughter, who I've meet at work, under pouring rain. There, covered, family, work, current affairs, weather and opposite sex. Should I hang up or use the 9 minutes 36 seconds on the details?
alias possession='chmod 666 satan && ls
I just read the lost teaspoons article and I have to admit it was actually kind of interesting and funny. If they had been able to draw any real conclusions it's almost IgNobel worthy. My favorite part came at the end, when they surveyed the people they had been researching. Of the people that responded to the survey, "Thirty six (38%) were male, 57 were female (61%), and one was undecided."
When you dial a phone-sex line and talk for 9 minutes and 36 seconds before realizing the person at the other end is actually your mom...
The only perfect phone call is the one that never takes place. I keep my cell phone on me at all times .... strictly for the internet. If someone calls me they better be on fire. There is no other logical reason that someone would make me get on a phone than if they were on fire and I was the last person on earth, and only I could put them out.
That may be a perfect phone call for chicks, but 9:36 is WAY too freaking long for guys.
Perfect guy phone call:
*ring*
Guy 1: Hello.
Guy 2: Hey man, I'll meet you at the *bar/your place/bowling alley/casino/strip club/etc.* in 30 minutes.
Guy 1: Cool.
*click*
You have NO idea what you're missing.
These posts express my own personal views, not those of my employer
In a similar breakthrough, scientists discovered the perfect Slashdot post consists of twenty-five words and contains a slight jab at the validity of the article.
The research probably involved a large set of subjects volunteering to have their phone calls recorded. After each call, they could fill out a form or send a text message rating how satisfied they were with that call.
It's not too hard to imagine this being actual research, rather than immediately considering it subjective junk science -- but I agree that the article is crap for not giving any details. Is there a newsier, nerdier article available?
His post contains 25 words and a slight jab at the article.
My first Journal Entry ever, in 8 years! http://slashdot.org/journal/365947/aphelion-scifi-fantasy-horror-poetry-webzine
The president is holding the telephone upside down.
Suddenly Soviet Russia sounds nice.
To person of attractive opposite sex:
Me: How about a movie, some drinks and a game of strip poker
Her: I'll be right over.
Click.
More importantly, can we please get samzenpus's mom's neighbor's daughter's phone number?
Me lost me cookie at the disco.
These "scientists have discovered the formula for" sorts of stories make (actual) scientists look like nutty boffins who make no real contribution to the world. (Actually, the word "boffin" is, in the Commonwealth, a pretty good marker for BS science stories.)
Newspaper science reporting is bad enough already. Do we really need this pure liquid crap flowing through Slashdot too?
(Ben "Bad Science" Goldacre has had rather a lot to say about these sorts of stories, and the whores who create them, over the years.)
I would imagine perfect is another word for optimal. There are many things in your life that can be affected by a phone call. Take that impact on average, considering all the phone calls that you are typically making, and the perfect phone call becomes the objective phone call, the kind of call that you want to make every time, the Holy Grail of phone calls.
Know your pads. One time pad: good for cryptography. Two timing pad: where to take your mistress.
24 seconds talking about the opposite sex.
I'm gay, you insensitive clod.
Oh, wait.
No I'm not.
sudo ergo sum
Why is this summary illustrated by George W. Bush with a telephone?
that would bite if "she" turned out to be a four month old "he".
Operation Guillotine is in effect.