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How Do I Manage Seasoned Programmers?
An anonymous reader writes "I have a technology background and worked as a programmer for a few years before slipping over to the dark side. I am now on the business side and have been given responsibility for a small team of Java programmers. While the technology aspect of what my team works on doesn't scare me, I need ideas to make sure the team stays motivated while reporting to me, a business-oriented guy. Perhaps I should mention I am in my early 30s while the majority of the team constitute an older, wiser generation. What advice should I follow to avoid turning into yet another Bill Lumbergh?"
Microsoft Project!
11 herbs and spices?
Salt / Pepper / Oregeno?
TFA doesn't really help.
Faster! Faster! Faster would be better!
They must understand that you are the boss. They must answer to you, irregardless of what fancy degrees and experience they have. Without order, only chaotic code will result.
You don't want to touch them too often or they get tough and dried out.
Oh wait, that's hamburgers. Nevermind.
All you need to do is walk in and say:
"Are you working?"
"yes"
"Can you work harder?"
"good"
If they get tired buy them hammocks.
It helps if your wearing a Tom Landrey hat.
The answer is simple--be their best friend. And let them know repeatedly that you want to be their best friend. There's no way they won't accept you. Trust me on this one.
This guy's the limit!
First thing you need to do is establish yourself as the alpha geek. Walk into the room and fire the first one to make eye contact. Then expound for two hours on how crappy Java is and how all you really need is a copy of Ruby on Rails and a Red Bull to be able to cover everything they do.
The next day, show up with a box of Dilbert comics and pass them out, demand each team member identify five 'wrong thoughts' express by Dilbert and his coworkers and indicate how they actually should have acted in regards to their PHB. Emphasize that the PHB a highly paid executive and deserves their attention and respect. Dilbert's job is to make his bosses' ideas successful, not to mock him.
The next day, first the second person who makes eye contact with you. Encourage your team to ridicule them as they make the walk of shame from your office to the exit.
The day after that, ask them to participate in a team building session where everyone is armed with a nerf weapon and is allowed to act out their aggression. Bring your own baseball bat.
The day after that mention that you expect the team to put in manditory overtime. You forgot to mention to them that they have a milestone deadline coming up tomorrow and you are still working with marketing to finialize the specs.
On the day after that, enjoy the peace and quiet you've earned yourself. You'll need it as you now no longer have a team to worry about.
You make it sound like you're some exotic zoo keeper and you need to know what to do when they present their glowing red ass.
You know actually, I'd love to know what the correct response is when a programmer does this. I generally just run away.
focus on a pointless statement in an offhand conversation, and keep repeating it over and over, getting louder all the time, the whole week, with a huge grin on your face, like its a hilarious joke
ask them to come in your office and sit down, ask them to close the door in a very soft whisper, and then stand up, displaying an obvious erection in your pants
in the company restroom, stand next to them while they are urinating, even if there are ten open urinals, and make sure to pee a little on their shoes, making emotionless blank eye contact while doing so
sit silently in a meeting for the longest time, with a slightly pained expression, then excuse yourself, and, outside of the room but within earshot/ plain view, starting crying loudly and hysterically like a wounded child
in no time you will be deriving the respect and affection you deserve
intellectual property law is philosophically incoherent. it is your moral duty to ignore it or sabotage it
A proper functional spec does describe the problem.
Or so I'm told, I've never actually seen one.
Confucius say, "Find worm in apple - bad. Find half a worm - worse."
Up a waterfall, with a rolled up tissue.
Confucius say, "Find worm in apple - bad. Find half a worm - worse."
If the baby is truly ugly, KNIFE it, don't adapt to crap.
Well..LibertineR is off MY babysitter list.
Oh this should be good... I like comparison posts...
> Really, if you've ever had kids, you already have all the skills you need to manage engineers. Set clear expectations and priorities. Make sure they play nice with each other.
Good point... Yes programmers and kids both need to play nice together.
> Give them a shiny new toy when they've been good.
Yes! Kids like toys and programmers like toys/electronics.
>Good managers filter out the pressure and bullshit and only on passes on information that gives the programmers a good idea of what their goals and priorities should be. Bad managers just pass on the shitting on they get from their managers along to their underlings, sometimes even amplifying it.
Wait.. what Kindergarten is this? I thought the managers were teachers and there were kindergarten students... and who is shitting on them?
Please everyone, do not shit on kindergarten teachers or students!
"Agile is not a silver bullet, and its gurus never claimed it to be"
Gurus never claim that their way is a silver bullet, they just claim it will bring down a werewolf or vampire with a single shot.
Remeber, coders are just tools that convert caffeine and alcohol into source code...
Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos
How Do I Manage Seasoned Programmers?
My favorite solution is to set them on fire and launch them out a window.
the trebuchet (http://www.trebuchet.com/)on the roof gains you extra points.
Launch the most vocal two and the rest fall in line quite quickly.
(funny how that works)
How amazed would you be to suddenly find that you just forgot what I wrote and you needed to reread my post.... again.
One-on-one meetings in a comfortable and somewhat informal manner. Make it regular (twice a week or so?) and find some way to give them advanced notice indirectly, like doing it at the same time every week or passing by their office/cubes a few minutes before jumping in to ask for the informal report. If you startle them, leave and come back in a few minutes (really!). Their desks should be oriented in a manner that makes it hard to sneak up on them; if that's not the case, buy a mirror for their monitor.
Wait, is this still about the glowing red ass thing ?
May contain traces of nut.
Made from the freshest electrons.