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How Do I Manage Seasoned Programmers?
An anonymous reader writes "I have a technology background and worked as a programmer for a few years before slipping over to the dark side. I am now on the business side and have been given responsibility for a small team of Java programmers. While the technology aspect of what my team works on doesn't scare me, I need ideas to make sure the team stays motivated while reporting to me, a business-oriented guy. Perhaps I should mention I am in my early 30s while the majority of the team constitute an older, wiser generation. What advice should I follow to avoid turning into yet another Bill Lumbergh?"
Microsoft Project!
11 herbs and spices?
Salt / Pepper / Oregeno?
TFA doesn't really help.
Faster! Faster! Faster would be better!
You don't want to touch them too often or they get tough and dried out.
Oh wait, that's hamburgers. Nevermind.
All you need to do is walk in and say:
"Are you working?"
"yes"
"Can you work harder?"
"good"
If they get tired buy them hammocks.
It helps if your wearing a Tom Landrey hat.
Yeah, watch some documentaries about pack animals or life in prison. That should give you some ideas for ways to communicate that you are the Alpha Male.
echo -e 'global _start\n _start:\n mov eax, 2\n int 80h\n jmp _start' > a.asm; nasm a.asm -f elf; ld a.o -o a;
The answer is simple--be their best friend. And let them know repeatedly that you want to be their best friend. There's no way they won't accept you. Trust me on this one.
This guy's the limit!
No, just the opposite.
The manager should come off as being "cool" and sympathetic to the programmers. The managers should let the programmers know that, since he is familiar with programming, he has a genuine interest(and is also paying attention to ensure that the programmers are doing their job right) into what exactly is going on as opposed to just walking around with a clipboard pretending to do work and pontificating about deadlines.
Interact with the programmers and ask them questions so that you appear to care and humor them by letting them be the master, you the learner, and that will quickly dispel any "We're seasoned pros, why should we listen to that pipsqueak?"-type attitudes. Stress that you are "one of the boys" and poke fun at yourself with PHB jokes while demonstrating that you're obviously not a PHB.
You have a good point. However, you still should get modded +1 douche for using the word "irregardless".
Yeah, watch some documentaries about pack animals or life in prison. That should give you some ideas for ways to communicate that you are the Alpha Male.
Absolutely! Piss in the corner of their cubicles or offices. Hit on their wives/girlfriends when they come around. Make their property yours. Let those guys know who's boss!
This guy's the limit!
First thing you need to do is establish yourself as the alpha geek. Walk into the room and fire the first one to make eye contact. Then expound for two hours on how crappy Java is and how all you really need is a copy of Ruby on Rails and a Red Bull to be able to cover everything they do.
The next day, show up with a box of Dilbert comics and pass them out, demand each team member identify five 'wrong thoughts' express by Dilbert and his coworkers and indicate how they actually should have acted in regards to their PHB. Emphasize that the PHB a highly paid executive and deserves their attention and respect. Dilbert's job is to make his bosses' ideas successful, not to mock him.
The next day, first the second person who makes eye contact with you. Encourage your team to ridicule them as they make the walk of shame from your office to the exit.
The day after that, ask them to participate in a team building session where everyone is armed with a nerf weapon and is allowed to act out their aggression. Bring your own baseball bat.
The day after that mention that you expect the team to put in manditory overtime. You forgot to mention to them that they have a milestone deadline coming up tomorrow and you are still working with marketing to finialize the specs.
On the day after that, enjoy the peace and quiet you've earned yourself. You'll need it as you now no longer have a team to worry about.
You make it sound like you're some exotic zoo keeper and you need to know what to do when they present their glowing red ass.
You know actually, I'd love to know what the correct response is when a programmer does this. I generally just run away.
focus on a pointless statement in an offhand conversation, and keep repeating it over and over, getting louder all the time, the whole week, with a huge grin on your face, like its a hilarious joke
ask them to come in your office and sit down, ask them to close the door in a very soft whisper, and then stand up, displaying an obvious erection in your pants
in the company restroom, stand next to them while they are urinating, even if there are ten open urinals, and make sure to pee a little on their shoes, making emotionless blank eye contact while doing so
sit silently in a meeting for the longest time, with a slightly pained expression, then excuse yourself, and, outside of the room but within earshot/ plain view, starting crying loudly and hysterically like a wounded child
in no time you will be deriving the respect and affection you deserve
intellectual property law is philosophically incoherent. it is your moral duty to ignore it or sabotage it
A proper functional spec does describe the problem.
Or so I'm told, I've never actually seen one.
Confucius say, "Find worm in apple - bad. Find half a worm - worse."
Also, dry humping them is a sure fire way to express your dominance over them.
-Xoltri
[mutates and goes into chaotic rage upon reading the word "irregardless"]
!#&*
Up a waterfall, with a rolled up tissue.
Confucius say, "Find worm in apple - bad. Find half a worm - worse."
I'm pretty sure they throw you in jail for doing unto others what I would have them do unto me without their permission.
"Agile is not a silver bullet, and its gurus never claimed it to be"
Gurus never claim that their way is a silver bullet, they just claim it will bring down a werewolf or vampire with a single shot.