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Spammers Say the Darndest Things
The Narrative Fallacy writes "Bill Sweetman has a tongue-in-cheek post about how a few years ago he started collecting some of the more outlandish and amusing email subject lines from the many thousands of spam emails he received promoting various 'solutions' related to his private parts. Sweetman, a Canadian internet marketeer now working for Tucows gets a guilty pleasure from the copywriting 'skills' of the spammers. 'Sometimes the writing is clever. Sometimes it is accidentally funny. And sometimes it's just plain bizarre.' Sweetman writes that it takes a certain twisted creative genius to make your spam message stand out from the rest. and gives us ten of his favorite spam subject lines as well as his would-be replies to the messages. Favorites spam subject lines include 'Small friend is for hiding, big friend is for showing off' and Sweetman's reply: 'Even if the product they are pitching works as promised, I still don't think I would be walking around the neighborhood showing off the results.'"
Thats to funny...
I use Gmail, so the spam I get is nicely packed into the spam folder.
I don't just clear it though. An amusing minute can be had reading the subject lines they come up with before hitting the delete button.
A learning experience is one of those things that say, 'You know that thing you just did? Don't do that.' - D. Adams
Must be a slow news day ... oh, right, it's Sunday.
The rapture will come on a Sunday.
Nerd rage is the funniest rage.
This iss your penis: 8--o
This iss your penis on drugs: 8=====O
This one was fairly original as well:
Poke her from her vagina to her throat with your new enormous dick from Penis Enlarge Patch.
The rapture will come on a Sunday.
Psst ... hate to be the one to tell you, but it already happened. You got left behind.
Me, I didn't want to go in the first place, so no downside for me ...
http://www.spamusement.com/
Not really a webcomic, not really updated any longer, and I'm unsure if it's completely safe for work.
It was funnier when stevenf did it five years ago. http://spamusement.com/
Like the author of the article, I too have been collecting the most poetic entries:
/cj
Kudos to those who understand the foot icon reference. :)
I hope the days of the spammer are numbered. Until then, at least we have can enjoy a good laugh at their expense.
But yet almost nothing is being done to actually stop people from sending spam. You can filter and whitelist/blacklist all you want, but that won't stop spammers from spamming. At no point does a spammer likely ever consider whether or not their spam will reach your box; it is a trivial cost for them.
Spammers will continue spamming as long as they can make money doing it. And a spammer poetry contest is equally as useless for impeding that as filters.
Damn_registrars has no butt-hole. Damn_registrars has no use for a butt-hole.
is what we've been calling it for some months now, here's a couple of recent favourites:
Reconstruct your male friend and you will love the changes.
You won't find even the traces of your small miserable and retarded friend in pants.
More strength, length, and pleasure with less efforts...
He temperate? of But. And fix be identical.
Which in 'we'll glints God. At injury TWISTED, pausing.
insecurity asks the wrong question irritation gives the wrong answer
...but I do NOT want to grow man-boobs!
[and my wife is already properly-shaped]
Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. - Voltaire
...his answers aren't funny :(
"The agriculture ministry is not in charge of Gundam" - Japanese ministry official.
Throw it to her from the other room.
Here's some from my spam box...
It's better to be hung than to work with your tongue.
Women don't like it tender they need a major member.
The dimensions of your tool will grow to a duel.
That's too funny
The funniest spam message I ever saw had the subject header "Pound her 'til she finishes". I thought that was so funny I went and bought some Viagra from them.
Summation 2
I generally do not get a lot of spam, but one episode recently made me collect some samples and blog about them (/.ed as Giving Your Greytrapping a Helping Hand).
That page also contains references such as the complete listing of subject lines from spammers caught in our blacklists over a few years' time.
Enjoy!
-- That grumpy BSD guy - http://bsdly.blogspot.com/
I wonder when some random feminist organization will sue them for not sending them targeted unsolicited email. I mean, they must be royally pissed -- not only they get as much spam as the average Joe, but they also have to put up with stuff like "Her $HAIRY_ANIMAL needs more times a night". Imagine the headlines -- "We want our targeted spam, you sexist pigs!"...
+ 3.14 Transcendental
wanna show off your special power? wanna make teh womans want more when you have finished your job? then get teh liquid to make your magic fly. for just 50 dollars plus shipping and handling we can make your shipping and handling dreams come true. you know that you need to get some to make your danny boy pipe come calling. buy today and fly away.
then this posts you!
PS: I've always wanted to be unlike any spammer, wantin to post this subject line in contrast to all those "job listings" saying I qualify if I could "walk and chew bubble gum at the same time." Alas, ye ol' privy a'time gibb0r to me a potty mouth.
simply because I received an email with the subject "McCain wants to invade your vagina".
Free Nigerian Viagra! With Pron!
Entomologically speaking, the spider is not a bug, it's a feature.
And I'm pissed for what they've done for their domain registration business. Hover sucks.
His spam filters must work better than mine, these are pretty lame and common.
Persistent Volume manager for Kubernetes - https://github.com/dwimsey/openshift-pvmanager
Thats to funny...
... as you are to people with low SAT Verbal scores?
You got competition, bitcheys!
No downside?! What do you call all these damn locusts with scorpions' tails, then?
That one showed up in my in box once, advertising something that was claimed to increase the volume of one's ejaculation. The mental imagery is unmatched by any other spam I've received before or since.
I once got a spam which subject was simply "goddammit". Many times when I think about spam this classic pops in my head.
I once got a spam email with the subject "nigga please" then the contents ended up being some crap about mortgage.... I was expecting something better....
The best idea I ever saw for spam subject lines was simply using random news headlines. Knowing full well it was spam and that the message body had nothing to do with the headline, I still had to fight the urge to open the message to read what it said. The headline caught my attention (I think a lot of them were political FUD attacks during the election) and I wanted to click on it to see more.
$x='S24;r)>63/* h@<5+oZ)32"5cz';$me='phroggy'x$];
$x=~y+ -xz+\0-Tx+;print$_^chop$me for split'',$x;
I got a spam with a pretty poetic title yesterday: "The magic melody for your flute". I read it to my wife but she said she prefers the trombone... 8-|
Non-Linux Penguins ?
We spent the rest of the day at work debating whether this was quantity or range.
Am I missing something here? Was that offtopic comment an excuse to spam (ironically ontopic-but-not-really) your MyMiniCity?!
I'd totally forgotten that nonsense. For those who don't remember, MyMiniCity appeared a couple of years back and was superficially a Flash-based simplistic Sim City clone where your aim was to get your city to the top of the rankings.
However, IIRC the size or "success" of your city was derived solely from the number of unique visitors to its page. In other words, it was a clever ruse to get as many people as possible visiting the website, enticed- or more likely conned- into visiting by people who wanted to boost their city's rating.
Yes, it's obviously a piss-poor game that requires little actual skill, but at the same time that's its "strength"; anyone can "play" and get a sense of achievement from it, however unwarranted- and I suspect that the makers knew that there are enough kids- and losers- out there to make it work.
There were a few spams for MyMiniCity a couple of years back, but it seemed to die off. Quite why mlauzon is suddenly spamming this crap under what seemed until a few posts back to be a "proper" account is unclear.
"Slashdot - News and Chat Sites Deviant". (Click "homepage" link above for details).
See $my_email_nick's naked ass.
me like hockey
I'm not crazy. I prefer the term "alternatively sane".
In case you don't want to go bother and look, the others are pretty funny:
1. "Small friend is for hiding, big friend is for showing off."
Even if the product they are pitching works as promised, I still don't think I would be walking around the neighbourhood showing off the results.
2. "The hard friend in your pants will look up into the sky."
Thanks, but I would prefer it if my friends stayed out of my pants.
3. "Men will see your power in every public shower."
If they did, wouldn't I be arrested?
4. "Who doesn't love a big gun in the pants."
Isn't that what holsters are for?
5. "Make your love torpedo drive all the way to her tanker."
Maybe I missed that SexEd class, but I'm not entirely clear on where I would find a woman's tanker.
6. "Transform from a grass snake to a python."
Have you ever seen a python? Ick!
7. "Make your man's carrot grow."
What the heck are they selling, fertilizer?
8. "To the stars your manhood flies when you are happy with your size."
This writer's a poet and they don't even know it.
9. "We can make your man's volcano erupt like a famous Etna!"
Lava. Fire. Smoke. Thanks, but I can do without those in the bedroom.
10. "Put your doughnut in her oven."
If my 'thing' looks like a doughnut, I should see a doctor.
This iss your penis: 8--o
This iss your penis on drugs: 8=====O
The second one's still well under an inch on my monitor. That's nothing to shout about :-O
"Slashdot - News and Chat Sites Deviant". (Click "homepage" link above for details).
But where are all the zombies?
Nerd rage is the funniest rage.
No downside?! What do you call all these damn locusts with scorpions' tails, then?
A really bad case of the crabs?
Try saying that in Hermes' voice :)
If you could kindly give me a moment of your time, I would like to engage you in a proposal.
Are you tired of lasting only as long as a Nigerian finance minister?
"Sustain the magnesium oxide balance in your organism."
That actually popped up in my inbox.
Funny cartoons made from spam subjects: http://www.spamusement.com
Those responses of his just aren't funny at all.
I think the problem is that his responses are far too "PG-rated" when we all know the content of the spam messages that he's replying to are more..."taboo" (for lack of a better term)...than that and so he just comes off sounding like a naive, pre-teen kid. To whit:
6. "Transform from a grass snake to a python."
Have you ever seen a python? Ick!
I mean, c'mon...
Yes, I agree. Although that could just be his personal style. I've noticed a lot of my more uptight friends are really horrified by these emails, or simply make believe to misinterpret them.
not news for nerds, nor is it stuff that matters.
Good people go to bed earlier.
Well, that's certainly taking the short-term view.
Me, I didn't want to go in the first place, so no downside for me
Well, that's certainly taking the short-term view.
Actually, it's taking the long-term view. I have zero interest in spending eternity with a bunch of jesus freaks (or any other religion, for that matter - but since they're the ones who believe in the foolishness of "the rapture" ... :-).
After all, if they're there, it sure ain't heaven.
There was a stretch where I was getting some spams whose subject lines were obviously being constructed: each consisted of a short phrase followed by a single unrelated (and clearly randomly selecte) word. One of them came out "Girl giving head crash". Ever since, I've had an image of a comely female sucking on a disc drive :-)
Your god may be dead, but mine aren't!
I thought this was uniquely funny
- passion
n/t
-V-
Who can decide a priori? Nobody.
-Sartre
Back in '04, a friend of mine was volunteering for the Kerry campaign, and his email for rallying the troops against Bush and Cheney had the subject line: "Let's Lick Dick and Bush Together".
Needless to say, I remember being annoyed that my spam filter hadn't caught it, and manually deleting it without even checking to see who it was from.
A few weeks later, we were both at a dinner, and he was talking about his efforts, and I asked him to include me in his correspondence so I could help out, and he said he had, that I just hadn't ever responded. After a little back and forth, we figured out where the miscommunication was.
The CB App. What's your 20?
Just got one today titled "Extreme Cat Rape".
I guess that's where you go when normal cat rape just doesn't do it for you anymore.
Me, I didn't want to go in the first place, so no downside for me
Well, that's certainly taking the short-term view.
I think it is amusing you chose to use 'short-term view' to describe the act 'going to heaven'
Is there something about that slashdotters fate that we don't?
Sounds to me like the definition of long-term thoughts on that subject!
I have to say that my favorite was "No girl will dare reject you (k)now". Before I got this email I didn't realize the purpose of a penis was to be so large that you can bludgeon women to death with it. (And ironically the CAPTCHA for this post was "spanked")
There was an especially good run about 6 months ago. I wonder who came up with these! I take my hat off. Here are some of the better titles I harvested:
Paris Hilton 'bent over backwards' for me - says Stephen Hawking
Paris Hilton full of Seamen
London sleazebags swarm to club's Paris Hilton night
Paris Hilton Returned By Aliens
Britney Spears and Paris Hilton to Visit Burma
Paris Hilton's Vagina Bites Penguin
Paris Hilton caught sucking a Fisherman's Friend
Paris Hilton screwed by Boy Scouts
Paris Hilton denies screwing Ron Paul
Bisexual Paris Hilton Likes Bush & Dick
Paris Hilton gets a third breast implant. Taunts Lohan & Spears to do the same!
Has Whirling Paris Hilton Embraced Sufism?
Paris Declares - "Marilyn a dead root!"
Paris Hilton Starts Large Hadron Collider Today
Paris Hilton Claims "I'm Still A Summer Virgin"
John McCain To Paris Hilton: "Cosmo, bayatch!"
Paris Hilton Wins Pulitzer Prize
Paris Hilton opens legs
Paris Hilton Lectures on Dickens and Dostoevsky
Paris Hilton tosses dwarf on the street
Paris Hilton Sold Her Soul to the Devil, admits it on Larry King
Paris Hilton to show beaver
Paris Hilton crowned 'Miss Vagina 2008'
Old man dies inside Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton Becomes Nun
Paris Hilton Shoots Down American Spy Satellite With Her Vagina
Dalai Lama denies receiving fellatio from Paris Hilton
and...
Miss Universe assassinated on plane home
Britney's Spears' baby sister strips for Playboy
US Basketball Team suffers crushing defeat
Bush declares war on Iran
Hillary admitted to Bill being on herbal supplements to help enhance performance
Batman decides to show his manhood
Penelope Cruz and Tom Cruz relatives?
Angelina Jolie naked
Kids leave robbery victim dead
Girl kills 3 in industrial accident
Police open fire on elderly in Iowa
Girl loses breasts in surgical disaster
Girl reveals burial sites of victms
Horse wins owner $17m
Man breaks arm in horror fall
Girl smashes dog to death, faces imprisonment
Raw footage of snake swallowing horse
Bush Averts Albanian Uprising By Invading Alabama
Hillary Clinton Sues Barack Obama
James Bond To Have Gay Lover In New Film
Bush And Putin Agree To Restart Cold War During G8 Summit
[video] Mccain And Bush To Dance In Puppet Show
Britney Spears Stashed Guns In Her Vagina - Papparazzi Duck For Cover
Wii console explodes causing death
University professors encourage students to go for enlargement
Photos of your girlfriend cheating you
Killer tsunami claims one million lives in Japan
Madonna Sued For Sexual Harassment And Accent
Lohan Sentenced To Swabbing Morgue Corpses
Obama Converts To Judiasm!
Barack Obama Wins Ku Klux Klan Endorsement
George Bush And His Secret Sex Flap
Gay Rights Terrorist Kills Eight In fabulous Bombing
I checked out my spam folder and I thought this one was pretty funny : "Now you can use your other head as it will be bigger than the first one."
"Your spam filter is not working!"
I haven't seen **any** spam in years.
I did have a family member post an old email address somewhere, I think it was with an e-post card, the spam started and I changed my address. I use that old address to determine where spam comes from. By definition, anything sent to it is spam.
Every company who I do business with gets a new email alias for me. I don't reuse them. Companies who spam me are clear since the alias has their name as part of it. I don't deal with them ever again. It is surprising which companies use spam.
Actually the forums are still quite active, with several comics posted in the Guest Strips forum every day.
I got this one years ago and it burned itself into my brain, it was so bizarre...
"Sweet young p***y, stuffed with pony"
STUFFED? With PONY? I mean, that implies a third-party being involved, to do the aforementioned stuffing. I mean, no one really self-stuffs, right?
"People" using "unnecessary" quotes should be "shot".
I don't have any especially memorable spam subject lines to report, but I've seen some amusing From: names.
For a while, I was receiving spam from people who apparently assembled their From: names randomly based on the pattern "Adjective X. Noun", where the X could be any letter. The first of those I noticed was "Statesmanlike M. Quadruped", which has remained good for a laugh ever since.
-- The Wanderer
Neat article.. I got The Big Book of Spam awhile back (No, I don't make money from the link). And it's a never ending source of funny. http://www.thebigbookofspam.com/
Follow @DickSpam.
"When we have put Joey into buttons, he will do very well to attend to the door." - Erm..
"PLEASE READ" - Not terribly funny, but it does grab ones' attention.
"I am confounded what these people do with ladies!" - I am confounded that you sent me the link to the site too..
"If you want to be a real man - be him!" - OK I will! Thankyou for the sound advice!
and finally..
"Your Accounnt Was Banned" - Well how about that? Which account you say?