Slashdot Mirror
How the TSA Plans On Inspecting Your Monkey
The uncertainty of what might happen to your service monkey at an airport security checkpoint won't keep you awake at night anymore, thanks to the TSA. They have issued an easy to follow list of how they will ensure your helper monkey won't go all Planet of the Apes on your flight. Some of the security techniques used to make sure your primate is not a terrorist include: "Security Officers will conduct a visual inspection on the service monkey and will coach the handler on how to hold the monkey during the visual inspection. The inspection process may require that the handler to take off the monkey's diaper as part of the visual inspection."
Touch it! Touch the monkey!
If the monkey needs a diaper... and it is supposed to be the more cognizant of the two traveling companions... Something is wrong (and I sure as hell don't want to sit next to either on a flight). Sorry, maybe the whole hands-for-feet thing gives them some special abilities, but if the monkey can't even decide when to and when not to take a dump, is he really doing you any good?
Considering the last article was submitted by superapecommando, I can't blame them.
How can I believe you when you tell me what I don't want to hear?
Touch my monkey!
Touch him!
Sorry, that's what first popped into my head.
The Kai's Semi-Updated Website Thingy
Whatever you do, don't spank the monkey...
Does your Monkey bite?
(Very slow day here)
There is actually 1.75 trillion dollar roll out of monkey-sized body scanners. When the project is finished, you will no longer be required to remove your animal's diaper, but technicians may laugh at your monkey's banana.
oh, i can't wait to eat that monkey
(alternatively: PRAY..FOR...MOJO...)
When I traveled between the U.S. and Canada, it was typical for me to remove pet cat and guinea pig from carriers and carry them by hand through the metal detectors. Surprisingly, the cat had greater veterinary bill of health requirements than the guinea pig.
In Liberty, Rene
Will they spank my monkey if he misbehaves? Or will I need to do that myself?
I've abandoned my search for truth; now I'm just looking for some useful delusions.
What has this, or half the articles on the front page lately, have to do with "News for Nerds"? Has the tech world suddenly gotten so boring that Slashdot is reduced to publishing stories about "Service Monkeys"?
Tequila: It's not just for breakfast anymore!
what a world.
I like all the sections that say "Security Officers have been trained to not _______". So you have a trained service monkey, and it has to meet up with a trained higher order primate at a checkpoint!
Of course, "higher order primate" might give a bit too much credit to the TSA goon squad, but they certainly are in fact trained animals. Sadly, like many monkeys, they do occasionally lift shiny objects from innocent bystanders....
I am the penguin that codes in the night.
I have been waiting YEARS to use that one.
I vote for this one as the story "Most Likely To Evince Inappropriate Comments".
At least for today.
"No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up." -- Lily Tomlin
Let the inappropriate comments again. But I like it when they touch my monkey. he he he
You can teach a monkey to do a lot of useful things, except care that you don't want it to poop everywhere.
The enemies of Democracy are
Like so many of the few dates I've had, they may want to see the monkey, but they certainly don't want to touch it.
But they'll tell me how to handle and position the monkey, so that's progress.
I must have lost a few days somewhere along the line...
This ain't rocket surgery.
...will the monkey blend ?
Religous speak to God. Insane are spoken to by God. When all shut up, one can finally hear Shostakovich in peace
The diaper serves as a handy carrying case for the monkey, in case they have to poo now, but won't have anyone nearby they want to fling it at until later. If your helper monkey has some sort of grudge against TSA agents, perhaps because of being treated as a terrorist just because it has hair on its face, it's highly recommended you change the monkey's diaper before going through security.
http://www.monkeyhelpers.org/
Wow. Seriously - wow.
Pathological kinda promises Path + Logical - but instead, you get stuck with pathetic.
Where do I get off this !#@$% ride? I miss my old country...
These sound cool, where can I get one. And most importantly; will it make me sammiches?
I care not for your karma and your mod points.
Does that mean TSA agents will eat ticks if they find any, and does your monkey have to return the inspection favor?
Slashdot's rate-of-post filter: Preventing you from posting too many great ideas at once.
my gym partners' a monkey
Politics is Treachery, Religion is Brainwashing
What has this, or half the articles on the front page lately, have to do with "News for Nerds"? Has the tech world suddenly gotten so boring that Slashdot is reduced to publishing stories about "Service Monkeys"?
The "Planet of the Apes" book and movies are pretty popular among nerds. The concept of a "service monkey" would naturally seem to have a certain level of interest among the slashdot community. ;-)
I don't know what to say, how even to try to be moderately informative, insightful or even funny, I have no idea. I am just thinking this: would I really want a monkey to service me? Wasn't there a movie about it on the interwebs?
You can't handle the truth.
"The inspection process may require that the handler to take off the monkey's diaper as part of the visual inspection"
The TSA wants to see our monkeys people.
I am Bennett Haselton! I am Bennett Haselton!
This gives me a great idea for Mike Meyers, a simian, and a form-fitting black outfit...
"We are Microsoft. You shall be assimilated. Competition is futile."
...except me and my monkey!
Prisencolinensinainciusol. Ol Rait!
I was thinking on this too, we don't have to put diapers on dogs or cats. But it just must be the "nature of the beaste" to not be easy to toilet train. It may simply be the case that monkeys don't have sufficient warning, control, and capacity to "hold it" if they have to go. Sort of like having to pull over every 45 minutes when you're on a car trip with a four year old passenger. The diaper is probably not their regular choice for the monkey, but more to prevent a mess if things get unpredictable.
And then there's the whole thing about monkeys (chimps mostly) entertaining themselves by flinging poo. The picture looked like a macaque, I don't recall hearing about them flinging poo at the zoos like you hear from time to time with the chimps. And a macaque would make a much better service animal just for the small adult size. (chimps get big and very strong, some have been known to outright beat up their handlers)
I work for the Department of Redundancy Department.
The full body scanners already accomplish this. They can even scan beavers and sweater-puppies, so I hear.
'We are trying to prove ourselves wrong as quickly as possible, because only in that way can we find progress.' RPF
If they didn't have procedures they would be crucified the first time a monkey came thru. But since they planned ahead and do, they get made fun of.
Just can't win.
---- Booth was a patriot ----
Shock The Monkey - Robert Plant
Harrison's Postulate - "For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism"
..Shock the Monkey?
Are YOU using the TOOL, or is the TOOL using YOU? Think about it!
Quick, page a doctor who knows something about these things! Dr. Zaius, please pick up the banana phone.
what is up with Slashdot's comments always changing! what happened to the slider bar? I'm using Firefox. When I click "More" nothing happens.
PUT IT BACK THE WAY IT WAS 5 YEARS AGO.
thanks.
they are all nested. I click 'More' they are still all nested. Where are the threshold controls? I posted about this 30 minutes ago and I don't even see the comment! In it, I made the statement "put it back the way it was 5 years ago!".
SLASHDOT COMMENT SYSTEM > SHIT!
I've posted two comments complaining about the comment system itself. Both have vanished.
WTF
(chimps get big and very strong, some have been known to outright beat up their handlers)
Or eat their face [NSFL]
Snowden and Manning are heroes.
This information has been available on their website for some time, at least a few years.
Gir, Gir, Release the monkey.
Sorry just had to put my Invader ZIM reference to the monkey.
RIP, Warren.
Village idiot in some extremely smart villages.
what happens if the monkey decides he has to go while they are completing this visual check, taking the diaper off doesn't sound like a good idea after the line gets held up after they must do a clean up.
I believe it is a herbivore/carnivore thing. Pooping at the moment a tiger bites your butt is probably a favorable genetic response to predation. If you feed your four year old passenger more meat and less fruit and vegetables the stops will be less frequent.
The US government have made it clear that we have no inalienable rights; any we do not defend vigorously will be taken.
http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-service-monkey-attack,0,888016.story
What?? Not even one "Show me the monkey" joke?
Pray for Mojo...
This will be quite helpful for Hewlett-Packard (formerly DEC) support staff. Since 1980 they routinely bring their own scratch monkeys on support trips.
A human spokesperson for the ServiceMonkey union today announced a general strike aimed at eliminating the "barbaric and demeaning mandate that all service monkeys be required to wear diapers while traveling. "Our selfless service monkeys cannot speak, and forcing them to wear diapers effectively silences their primary means of communication. We are here today to assert the right of all our union members to freely employ their perfectly natural inclination to anal and genital-based modes of expression."
Reporters who were granted interviews with selected union members were later observed to flee en masse, following an impromptu demonstration of the effectiveness of service monkey commentary.
...my brain has finally been damaged irreparably.
All of this "security" crap and papers! paper! Achtung! is seriously getting out of hand... (Actually it was out of hand right from the get go, but we were once free...)
While that's certainly true, I also think it's more a case of convincing them "Yes you really do have to go. Just try". At that age, their gauges only seem to read either Full or Empty.
And anyone that as a kid has ever tried to catch a duck or goose on takeoff knows you'd better be prepared to get covered, 'cause it's gonna happen.
I work for the Department of Redundancy Department.
Have you travelled by airline recently?
As an old fossil who needs a toilet NOW!! on occasion I can only sympathise with the monkey!