Scientists Create Equation For a Perfect Handshake

Hugh Pickens writes "Discover Magazine reports that despite the average person shaking hands nearly 15,000 times in a lifetime, one in five (19 per cent) admit they hate the act of the handshake and are unsure how to do it properly, regularly making a handshake faux pas such as having sweaty palms, squeezing too hard or holding on too long while over half the population (56 per cent) say they have been on the receiving end of an unpleasant handshake experience in the past month alone. But help is at hand as scientists have developed a mathematical equation for the perfect handshake taking into account the twelve primary measures needed to convey respect and trust to the recipient. The research was performed at the behest of Chevrolet as part of a handshake training guide for its staff and is meant to offer peace of mind and reassurance to its customers. A full guide to the perfect handshake is available on Flickr."

Comments

Reminiscent of Alan Moore's "The Bowing Machine"

[eldavojohn]

Reminds me of a little known story by Alan Moore with art by Mark Beyer called The Bowing Machine except it's not a comic ...

The Seinfeld formula

[Drakkenmensch]

The Seinfeld episode that delved into the handshake protocol gave me the best advice I could need when it comes to a good handshake. Reach in, grab firmly, give one pump and two shakes, let go.

Re:The Seinfeld formula

[Shakrai]

Reach in, grab firmly, give one pump and two shakes, let go.

I tried that but none of the women in my life found it to be particularly satisfying ;)

Re:The Seinfeld formula

[ciaohound]

Hey, that was my move!

Re:The Seinfeld formula

[Darinbob]

Wait, that's the same advice I was given about how to use the urinal...

Re:The Seinfeld formula

[shaitand]

Then you must not be doing it well. If it's taking a long time to please her then you just aren't doing it right.

If its hot, passionate, and she feels properly taken then you won't have to make any special efforts and hold out. She'll finish as fast or faster than you will.

Re:The Seinfeld formula

[Shakrai]

I was only being a wiseass, but if you want to interpret my comment literally I don't know too many women that would feel "properly taken" after a single thrust.....

I do agree with what you are trying to convey in a broader sense though.

Re:The Seinfeld formula

[shaitand]

It's okay Shakrai, lots of guy have the same problem you do.

Re:The Seinfeld formula

[mangu]

Reach in, grab firmly, give one pump and two shakes, let go.

I tried that but none of the women in my life found it to be particularly satisfying ;)

Hmmm, let's see. A "handshake" involves hands on both sides of the equation. Simplifying, you can eliminate the hands on both sides. Have you tried just pumping and shaking her?

Re:The Seinfeld formula

[fractoid]

Then you must not be doing it well. If it's taking a long time to please her then you just aren't doing it right.

If its hot, passionate, and she feels properly taken then you won't have to make any special efforts and hold out. She'll finish as fast or faster than you will.

I think this very much depends on the woman in question. I'm lucky that my wife has a similar sex drive to me and takes roughly the same time as I do, we both get there fairly fast and afterward we both feel thoroughly satisfied. :)

Then again, for whatever reason, some women just take longer to come (or sometimes literally can't come at all no matter how long you last). I'm sure that this at least partly explains the huge disparity between women who want it just as much as men, and women who really don't enjoy sex and only ever do it to please their partner. I bet if some proportion of men could never actually come, they'd be uninterested in sex too...

Re:The Seinfeld formula

[fractoid]

The Seinfeld episode that delved into the handshake protocol gave me the best advice I could need when it comes to a good handshake. Reach in, grab firmly, give one pump and two shakes, let go.

But whatever you do, don't be one of those goddamn 'early squeezers'. Sure, a firm handshake gives the impression of strength and personal power, but it's cheating to clamp down and squish their fingers together the moment you reach their second knuckle joint. I used to work with a guy who did that and if I wasn't paying attention, I'd get my fingers mashed together well before there was even any palm contact. It's like the sucker-punch of handshakes.

Re:The Seinfeld formula

[mcvos]

There are some people who give really awful handshakes. There's your early squeezers, but also people who squeeze too hard, as if they want to squeeze you into submission. And people who shake hands at a really odd angle so you're basically at their mercy.

I don't know why these people can't do a normal handshake, but the awful travesty they make of it leaves me with a desire to kick them. They seem to be mostly men, and business/manager types. Really odd, because it seems to me that in that line of work, handshakes can be pretty important. Yet they're some of the most awful handshakers I've ever met.

It seems silly to suggest lessons for something as trivial as a handshake, but some people seem to need it.

First rule

[ceraphis]

Wipe your sweaty hands off both before the handshake AND without the person seeing you. It's still unpleasant IMHO if you see a guy wipe his sweaty hands off right before shaking hands with you. (unless he/she was just eating lunch or something and thus is expected not to have the most clean hands in the world)

Re:First rule

[Psychofreak]

So..if I am greasy under the hood of the car, you WANT the greasy handshake?

Should I add more grime like I do if you happen to be an uninvited person peddling religion?

Phil

Re:First rule

[ceraphis]

Oh by all means add more grime to uninvited persons. But notice I said "eating lunch or something" where I meant the greasy/dirty hands from an arbitrary activity, for example eating lunch or greasy car activity.

Re:First rule

[nomorecwrd]

Here in Chile, at least, people with greasy hands usually offers you the arm. (excusing themselves for the dirty hands)

Re:First rule

[shaitand]

I actually appreciate you wiping sweaty hands before a handshake. The reason to not let me see it is that you've revealed that you are nervous to me.

Maybe that is good, maybe it is bad, depends on the circumstance.

Re:First rule

[Obfiscator]

It's the same way in Cameroon. I was surprised by that at first, but it really makes a lot of sense. I've never seen it in Europe or the US, though, and I wonder why not.

Re:First rule

[AP31R0N]

i do this in my pocket.

ASLO:

If you are a male

DO NOT OFFER YOUR HAND TO A LADY. If she wants to be that familiar, she will offer her hand to you. Err on the side of classy.

i impressed my girlfriend's mother (now my mother in law) by adhering to this rule.

Bunk, I say

[BobMcD]

Nothing in here about actual grip strength. I'd think that a 'guide' would tell you how hard is too hard, etc.

Also, as a person with huge hands, I can tell you that size matters a lot in terms of too much/too little grip.

Re:Bunk, I say

[Shoeler]

Also, as a person with huge hands, I can tell you that size matters a lot in terms of too much/too little grip.

Oh I see what you did there. Clever.

Re:Bunk, I say

[BobMcD]

lol

Don't read too much into that, though. Most of my best skills aren't helped by the size you're thinking of at all. ;)

Re:Bunk, I say

[digitalsushi]

Shoeler and BobMcD, please get a room!

Re:Bunk, I say

[BobMcD]

"I could teach you, but I'd have to charge..."

Re:Bunk, I say

[Inda]

And when they squeeze too hard, you say:

I'd hate to be your cock, wanker.

Re:Bunk, I say

[BeardedChimp]

Yep, this has all the hallmarks of a pr stunt. It was discovered by 'scientists' at the behest of Chevrolet. This is no different than the formula that shows how famous someone is, or the most depressing day of the year.

Ben Goldacre has written quite a few articles debunking them in the past. Here is a few choice quotes

Now the fact is that Cliff Arnall’s equations are stupid, and some fail even to make mathematical sense on their own terms. His equation for the perfect long weekend is a case in point. It is “(C x R x ZZ) / ((Tt + D) x St) + (P x Pr) >400 (Tt = travel time; D = delays; C = time spent on cultural activities; R = time spent relaxing; ZZ = time spent sleeping; St = time spent in a state of stress; P = time spent packing; Pr = time spent in preparation).

I give you Cary Cooper, professor of organisational psychology and health at the University of Lancaster, in the Evening Standard. "Psychologists claim to have developed a mathematical formula, [(V x P x R) + A] x (VFM), which allows them to grade the nation's sporting triumphs. And they have produced a highly contentious 'top 10' covering everything from England's World Cup win in 1966 to the Ashes triumph over Australia last year." Can they be serious? "The people behind the equation boast that it's 'the first ever scientific equation that reveals just how good a game of sport has been to watch'.

Hollywood beauty, Jessica Alba, is ‘strutterly’ desirable – she has the sexiest ever walk, according to new research revealed today by Veet. Veet, the hair removal expert, has teamed up with mathematicians at Cambridge University to reveal a ratio to work out who has the hottest walk, and the Fantastic Four star clocked up the top score, thanks to her luscious legs and curvy frame.

Etc. etc. ad nauseum. Slashdot should not be providing advertising for companies which further distort the public's understanding of science.

Re:Bunk, I say

[auLucifer]

Handshakes are much more complicated then just strength and what the 'flickr' image covers (the formula does have mention of strength (s) is strength "(1= weak; 5=strong) 3;") especially depending on which country you're in. A good rule of thumb is to squeeze firmly and if they squeeze stronger you just try to match. If you squeeze stronger then them then it's all sorts of body language issues/power plays. There are different ways to hold the hand depending on the image you want to portray and if you shake someones hand vigourously, as suggested, in Australia you'll either come across like an over-excited dog or you'll just wear the other person out and you'll lose face. Alan Pease has a book simply called "Body Language" (I can't find it on amazon easily unfortunately) that covers hand shakes in great detail

Re:Bunk, I say

[bill_mcgonigle]

Also, as a person with huge hands, I can tell you that size matters a lot in terms of too much/too little grip.

This. The next person who squeezes my four fingers instead of shaking hands is getting a quick ass kicking.

Next up:

[ITBurnout]

A noogie research grant!

Your Bailout Money Hard at Work!

[cashman73]

Seeing as how this came out of Chevrolet, a GM division, it's good to see that they put all that federal bailout money to good use!

Re:Your Bailout Money Hard at Work!

[h4rr4r]

It is far more cost effective to make your salesmen as good a conmen as possible than it is to build reliable cars people want to buy.

Well you see

[Dunbal]

American tax dollars at work. Because it's very important to have a perfect handshake when you work for a company that needs a government bailout to stay afloat after bankruptcy.

Re:Well you see

[operagost]

Because it's very important to have a perfect handshake when you work for a company that needs a government bailout to stay afloat after paying off the unions.

FTFY

Re:Well you see

[h4rr4r]

No unions held a gun to their heads when the exec signed those deals. They made their bed and should have been forced to lay in it. No union worker decided they should make cars people did not want to buy, the failings of GM have been management failures.

Re:Well you see

[Shakrai]

They made their bed and the taxpayers were forced to lay in it

FTFY

Re:Well you see

[h4rr4r]

I agree that is what happened, but GM should have been left to die. They made these decisions they should have dealt with them.

Re:Well you see

[h4rr4r]

They might all suck, but management makes the decisions. The buck stops there.

Re:Well you see

[Shakrai]

They should have been compelled to go through Chapter 11 without the White House interfering with the bankruptcy code and picking winners and losers. The bankruptcy code has a clearly defined pecking order but the White House apparently decided that rule of law wasn't the way to go.....

Re:Well you see

[operagost]

That was my point, exactly. Thanks for clarifying it.

Scientists are calling it...

[easterberry]

Scientists are calling it, "the fist bump" and are quoted as saying "it's just much harded to fuck up". Fox News reports increased popularity of "Terrorist Fist Jabbing"

Re:Scientists are calling it...

[shaitand]

There is nothing worse than the fist bump. I promise you, everyone you fist bump hates it and the office is the last place you should it.

Re:Scientists are calling it...

[gilleain]

There is nothing worse than the fist bump. I promise you, everyone you fist bump hates it and the office is the last place you should it.

Furthermore, there is this rule to follow with regards to fist bumps: http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2008/3/7/

I don't get it

[CODiNE]

Rule #1
Shake it three times and you're playing with it.

What??
</sarcasm symbol>

Re:I don't get it

[shaitand]

The rule says shake it MORE than three times. A triple shake is legal.

Perfect Handshake (Advanced Professionals Only)

[boneclinkz]

1) Grip firmly with right hand.

2) Take one step in so that faces are around 12 inches apart.

3) Make eye contact (hold position until this happens).

4) Once eye contact is made, firmly grab person's forearm with your left hand.

5) Slide left hand up and down person's forearm, from wrist to elbow, twice, while maintaining eye contact.

6) Wink with left eye.

7) Break eye contact, let go.

Re:Perfect Handshake (Advanced Professionals Only)

[BudAaron]

8. Duck!

Re:'perfect' handshake requires only eye contact

[easterberry]

Sure, but wouldn't it be easier to deal with if you ALSO had a pretty sweet handshake?

This is the future...

[Titan1080]

In a world where personal interaction between people is becoming less and less common, we may be seeing more of these 'crucial guides and studies' to social interaction... Assuming civilization continues as it is; which is not a very smart assumption, IMHO.

looks like the etiquette books don't need updating

[Trepidity]

Despite all that science, the advice in that flickr summary are basically the same as the advice and diagrams in the section of Business Etiquette for Dummies on handshakes.

(Don't ask me how I know that there's a Business Etiquette for Dummies, and that it has a section on handshakes.)

Too hard vs Too light

[Thyamine]

Sure getting your hand crushed is no fun, but personally I'd rather a good firm handshake than those things where people offer you their fingers and you get some weird loose wrist/finger handshake thing. I try and give a good handshake and instead feel like somehow I violated them. And I mean, the parole officer said I'm not supposed to do that type of thing anymore. You know with the violating. I mean TMI.

Re:Too hard vs Too light

[shaitand]

Agreed. A handshake is body language that can tell you if someone is nervous, uncomfortable, or even confident.

A firm dry handshake without need for pants wiping after a job interview can say a lot about the person's confidence level. That's useful information depending on how you intend to treat them after hire.

Re:Too hard vs Too light

[Eggplant62]

What irks the hell out of me is someone who grabs the hand too fast without getting skin-to-skin contact between each others' thumb-and-index webspace. I end up with some idiot who's got hold of my fingers only. Those are the clowns that get the do over and instructions on proper handshaking, usually punctuated with something like, "Slow down, idiot!"

Re:Too hard vs Too light

[Kozz]

What irks the hell out of me is someone who grabs the hand too fast without getting skin-to-skin contact between each others' thumb-and-index webspace. I end up with some idiot who's got hold of my fingers only. Those are the clowns that get the do over and instructions on proper handshaking, usually punctuated with something like, "Slow down, idiot!"

There you go... that's my number-one pet peeve: grabbing my four extended fingers, leaving my thumb waving in the air? Wtf? I'd think that in any culture, the very least you want to do is have a symmetric handshake. I try my best to make the handshake symmetrical, firm but not crushing. I've had people grab only my fingers, other guys seemingly oblivious that they've crushed my knuckles such that I cannot return the grasp, and then the folks who offer their hand like it's a fresh pork chop, a piece of meat with no life in it whatsoever.

I think it'd be more instructive to write up all the handshake mistakes people make.

Re:Too hard vs Too light

[Quirkz]

I am apparently one of those poor saps who can either make eye contact, or watch where my hand is going, but not both. Generally I figure it's better to make eye contact and flub the handshake a little than stare at the person's hand. So I sometimes (maybe 20% of the time) end up either too short (just fingers) or too far (kind of jamming the webbing together awkwardly). I try to adjust if possible, but sometimes the other person already has you in their grip, and it's just better to go with it.

I've always hoped it wasn't just me, and that at least half of the blame for mis-coordinating the hand position lies with the other person, but maybe it's just me.

At least one thing I do know is I've got the pressure in a moderate middle ground . I've had enough that are too hard or too soft (one gal I met recently took soft to an extreme by extending her hand and then not moving her fingers at all -- it wasn't a soft squeeze, it was literally nonexistent) to know what the right pressure feels like.

I was hoping maybe this study would venture into some of the silly complicated extra convolutions people put in their handshakes. Mostly seems to be a phenomenon of younger guys trying to be hip, who have some ridiculous five-part ritual. Grab, slap, wiggle, fist, waggle some finger, whatever it is. I watch people around me going through the whole procedure like they know what the other person is about to do, but I've always felt sort of colorblind or tone deaf as far as those gestures go. Can anyone explain to me how the hell I'm supposed to know it's "grab, smash elbow, bump chest, slap back twice" this time, and next time it'll be "grab hand, clasp forearm, do the hokey pokey"?

Re:Too hard vs Too light

[steelfood]

Watch the hand until the moment you grab it. Then quickly look back up at the person. If you do it quickly enough, nobody'd notice that you're not making eye contact while grabbing their hand.

Re:Too hard vs Too light

[gknoy]

I am apparently one of those poor saps who can either make eye contact, or watch where my hand is going, but not both. ... I sometimes end up either too short (just fingers) or too far (jamming).

I believe it's muscle memory, and practice will perfect it. Bear with me if this sounds somewhat absurd and comical; I am quite serious that I think you should practice it. I've just never practiced shaking hands (I should!), so I'm coming up with these ideas as I write. Sorry.

Have you considered doing some hand-eye coordination exercises? Practice doing things where you be aware at a muscle-memory level of where your hands and arms are. Martial arts, fencing, juggling. (Of those, fencing seems most apropos, to me, but that's because I am a fencer [though a poor one].) In fencing, one of the beginner's drills is to constantly practice placing the tip of the blade (via arm extension, and then later with a lunge) on a small target -- post-it, a coin, a mark on a wall, the knot of a tree. Repeating this helps you fine-tune your motor skills when doing something you don't do often, until it's muscle memory. For a more handshake-like analogue, you might practice pressing your doorbell (without looking at it), as that's roughly hand-height. Make sure you return your hand to the resting (at your sides) position each time, because what you're practicing is going from there to a desired position.

You might also just practice shaking hands with someone you trust. Tell them, "Hey honey/Joe/dad, I am really bad at shaking hands. I need practice to make sure my hand goes the right way. Can you help?" Then, sit down, and practice shaking hands. Start by standing still, with their hand in as close to the same place as possible. Grab their hand like you would while shaking. Do it again and again until you can comfortably predict (visualize? know? expect?) where their hand IS, so that you can guide your hand for proper docking. Once you master that, practice doing it while approaching them. Then, practice doing it while one or both of you are standing or seated.

I like a sibling poster's suggestion to first snapshot where their hand is, dock quickly (but not hurriedly), and then secure eye contact. I think I do this -- look briefly at the hand before I grab it, to make sure I have judged correctly where it is. This is probably even more important when you assume that most people are like you or I and are imperfect at hand-shaking, and therefore probably do not have a lot of practice getting their hand to the "right" position. So, find their hand, put yours in it, look them in the eye, shake. Practice, practice, practice.

This seems to absurd to be talking about this. If I had punctuation for "I'm not at all being sarcastic" I'd want to use that ... but that would probably be considered sarcasm. :-)

"Science"

[DIplomatic]

Yes.... I completely concur with this post being tagged 'Science.' (alt+U0161)

Neal Stephenson in Snow Crash

[at10u8]

He posited execs who had embedded goniometers to ensure that each bow to a Japanese business partner reached the appropriate level. This looks ripe for similar treatment.

Wow, 19 per cent?

[teumesmo]

That's quite impressive, if 19 per cent go so far as to hate it, at least double that must find it irksome, another large percentage is indifferent to it, I wonder who are the freaks who actually think it useful, or go so far as to enjoy it.

Re:Wow, 19 per cent?

[feepness]

I wonder who are the freaks who actually think it useful, or go so far as to enjoy it.

The ones who are worried about you pulling a weapon on them.

Re:Wow, 19 per cent?

[shaitand]

I find a handshake useful. You shouldn't read too much into it. But a wet handshake or a wipe on the pants indicates nervousness.

A weak handshake indicates the person either has a low opinion of you or whatever business you are conducting. That might mean they disagree or it might mean they don't give a shit.

A firm handshake suggests the person is comfortable with you and takes whatever business is at hand seriously. For instance, after a Foosball battle in the office it is habit to go for a firm handshake afterward to indicate mutual respect for a game well played.

Re:Wow, 19 per cent?

[mooingyak]

You shouldn't read too much into it.

Agreed.

A wet handshake or a wipe on the pants indicates...
A weak handshake indicates...
A firm handshake suggests...

Oh wait. You meant a different kind of not reading too much into it than I thought.

Re:Wow, 19 per cent?

[shaitand]

Apparently, you see I meant "you shouldn't read too much into it" and you apparently read "it means absolutely nothing."

I appreciate your honestly in admitting your mistake though. It suggests character so I might friend you but I'm not going to read too much into it and offer you my daughter.

Re:Wow, 19 per cent?

[mooingyak]

It suggests character so I might friend you but I'm not going to read too much into it and offer you my daughter.

Okay, points for saying "up yours" with style.

But more to the point, my own observations (anecdotal! I know) have been that most people just shake hands the same way all the time, basically the way they were sort of taught to as kids. It sounded like you were taking that position at the beginning and then took a 180 and described what all the handshakes meant. So I'll give my own counter list of the same:

A wet handshake indicates that someone perspires at a lower temperature than others.
A weak handshake indicates that someone hates physical contact with others.
A firm handshake suggests your dad coached football.

Re:Wow, 19 per cent?

[luckyXIII]

Which is why, despite being right-handed, I regularly practice drawing with my left hand.

Re:Wow, 19 per cent?

[Smauler]

A weak handshake indicates the person either has a low opinion of you or whatever business you are conducting. That might mean they disagree or it might mean they don't give a shit.

So wrong - there are loads of people who don't like unnecessary bodily contact with other men, and thus are automatically reluctant. I'm not fussed really, but I know people who are, and judging them by their handshake is simple minded and shortsighted.

Re:Wow, 19 per cent?

[shaitand]

"But more to the point, my own observations (anecdotal! I know) have been that most people just shake hands the same way all the time, basically the way they were sort of taught to as kids."

I generally agree. But that doesn't mean it isn't a useful indicator. Just about every other aspect of a person's behavior is the result of their upbringing as well. Nor does it negate the commonly accepted body language indicators I already mentioned.

"A wet handshake indicates that someone perspires at a lower temperature than others."

Sure, but you perspire other places before your hands. Exceptions would be if you are sitting on them, wearing gloves, or are nervous. The last one is why skin conductivity is used to assess stress on polygraph exams.

There are exceptions to all body language interpretations which is why I said it is of limited importance. That doesn't mean the information is completely useless. Understanding body language can be the difference between walking away from a negotiation or encounter with what and settling for less.

How do you know when it's a good time to approach the boss about issue x? How do you know when to press for a raise? If he maintains a professional demeanor how do you know if the boss is making decisions you don't like or if he simply doesn't like you?

Body language is a part of how I decide these things. I don't follow the cult of body language and obey the magic sweaty palm but I consider body languages. I shake my bosses hand every time I encounter him and a sweaty palm can mean the difference between accepting his proposal or pushing for something more advantageous.

Re:Wow, 19 per cent?

[shaitand]

"So wrong - there are loads of people who don't like unnecessary bodily contact with other men, and thus are automatically reluctant."

I've never heard of handshaking falling into the realm of homophobia but that would fall into the don't give a shit category. If you care about what you are doing then your mind is on the business about the begin or just concluded not the handshake.

Re:Wow, 19 per cent?

[shaitand]

It's amazing how strong the correlation is. Phrased that way people might be thrown off because it sounds sexist but it isn't literally about having a cock and balls. It's about having been taught an old fashioned ethic that is passed from father to son and showing you listened and learned with every handshake.

I wouldn't base major decisions entirely around a handshake but its a factor.

I've noticed a similar correlation between a rural and/or midwestern upbringing and certain aspects of work ethic. At least in the US.

Re:Wow, 19 per cent?

[tehcyder]

For instance, after a Foosball battle in the office it is habit to go for a firm handshake afterward to indicate mutual respect for a game well played.

Do you work on the set of Friends, or something?

For what culture?

[Culture20]

Even in the U.S.A., handshake length differs. When you go to another country, some grab your hand and pump for the entire conversation in a ritual beat, using it as emphasis while they talk, others never shake hands at all.

Re:For what culture?

[neonsignal]

Exactly right. And in many places, a firm grip is a sign of aggression, not confidence. Handshakes aren't innate behaviours, they are part of culturally-defined communication.

My procedure:

[rev_sanchez]

Step 1: Wipe my hand on pants discreetly so as to verify dryness. A sweaty hand is a gross hand.
Step 2: Make a quick glance to verify that the person you'll be shaking with has a standard 5 fingered hand. I'll shake a stump, hook, plastic hand, or sub-5 finger hand, flipper what-have-you but you want to know about this going into the shake and not in the middle of the first pump.
Step 3: Grasp their hand or hand-like appendage firmly, shake about twice, and release whatever they've stuck out at you.

sim city 4

[Anonymous Coward]

sounds like something that would flash across
your sim screen :P

The only perfect handshake

[Ivan Stepaniuk]

> syn seq=X
< syn ack=X+1 seq=Y
> ack=Y+1 seq=X+1
> DATA

The handshake isnt the confusing part

[Alarindris]

The confusing part is whether or not the other person is going to actually shake your hand or do that stupid palm slide and then bump knuckles thing. It's ok if it's a friend or something and you know it's coming, but strangers/new acquaintances do this to me all the time.

I have actually started making people start over and actually shake hands properly.

"No, put out your hand. Good. Now, the webs of our thumbs meet like this and then we shake. This is what we call 'shaking hands'."

Re:The handshake isnt the confusing part

[Anonymous Coward]

I have actually started making people start over and actually shake hands properly.

Seriously?

So using your specific empty gesture of greeting is more important than making a moderately amiable first impression with a total stranger?

Wow. Just... wow.

Do you correct others in other forms of etiquette as well? If I'm at McDonalds and fail to hold out my right pinkie finger while snarfing my Big Mac, might I expect the honour of a public correction from Your Highness?

Re:The handshake isnt the confusing part

[jdoverholt]

+1 funny (why don't I ever get any mod points anymore?)

Re:The handshake isnt the confusing part

[tehcyder]

Mod parent -1 "such a tool it's almost funny but disturbingly you know it's not a joke"

Fixed that for you

[TheSpoom]

"Scientists" (some professor) have "developed" (thrown together a bunch of bullshit about) a "mathematical" (numbers make math!) "equation" (brackets and operations make an equation!) for the "perfect handshake" (in their sole opinion) taking into account the "twelve primary measures" (which they came up with after a one hour brainstorming session) needed to convey "respect and trust" (or at least the illusion of it, in order to sell cars) to the recipient.

Seriously, dry your hands if you can, don't grip too hard or too soft, and look 'em in the eyes. Done. But why not add some bureaucracy to the process?

"Johnson, you're two points shy on your grip rating! No raise this month!"

Re:Fixed that for you

[shaitand]

Yeah, but I wouldn't put it that way. There is nothing worse than a weak handshake. You'd have to be trying to squeeze too hard, a good handshake is a firm one that speaks of commitment.

Depends on your goal

[SnarfQuest]

It really depends on your goal

1. Lick you palm. Make sure it is really slimy.
2. Grab their hand with both of yours so they can't get away. Preferably from behind.
3. Shake good and strong, bringing your hand above your head and down to your knees.
4. Release while at maximum height.
5. Rub you hand on your pants leg for at least 10 seconds.

OK, you will now be excused from shaking anyone elses hand. Forever.

Waste of Time

[casings]

Who the fuck thinks trying to assign an equation to something subjective is a good use of time?

That person is a moron.

This sort of nonsense is depressingly common

[john83]

I haven't read TFA, and won't. These "Boffins discover equation for ____" stories are almost always marketing. Here's an example: http://www.badscience.net/2007/09/clarion-communications-respond-on-the-rigged-jessica-alba-wiggle/

Uh oh ...

[psbrogna]

Has anybody checked that this it's not patented? I'd hate to have to the pay licensing costs retroactively cause I've been throwing 'em around pretty liberally.

Squeezing too hard?

[shaitand]

Is this really a problem? Outside of trying to wound a good handshake is a firm one. There is nothing worse than a weak handshake.

Define firmly

[AnonymousClown]

What is "firm"?

Occasionally, you get these asshats who squeeze as hard as they can - you know they're faking it because they're an office worker and they're not built like Arnold when he was young. It's like WTF are they trying to prove?

You usually find them in you places: sales and HR.

Re:Define firmly

[boneclinkz]

I would say "firm" is the type of grip you would use whilst hanging from a single piece of scaffolding at the top of the Sears tower.

Re:Define firmly

[gknoy]

I realize this is the descendent of a comedy post, but I would define "firm" as:

- about as hard as you'd grip a baseball bat to keep from dropping it (NOT in order to swing it hard). If you don't have one handy, try holding a lunchbox out at arm's length.
- like holding an egg hard enough not to drop it, yet not hard enough to worry about breaking it.
- not so hard as to imagine breaking things with your grip. ... I'm having a hard time thinking of better examples. :)

bad science

[cretog8]

Ben Goldacre talks about these "equation for the perfect X" stories which turn up regularly: formula for fame, equation for a neckline, perfect "wiggle", a particularly bad propagator.

It's bullshit non-science to generate publicity.

what?

[ph0rk]

You mean the default isn't grip as strong as you possibly can?

Re:what?

[Smauler]

I'm guessing handshake technique is like handjob technique - there's nothing worse than the other person gripping as tightly as they can and pumping for all they're worth. You just want to say... you're doing it wrong.

I'm surprised....

[Eightbitgnosis]

I would have though they might try to patent their new "perfect handshake" technology

Secret Handshakes

[dcollins]

Of course, this overlooks organizations or fraternities that purposefully use a non-median handshake as a method of identification.

Like, maybe I'm a professional wrestler or something.

Re:Secret Handshakes

[gstoddart]

Like, maybe I'm a professional wrestler or something.

Posting on Slashdot? Somehow, I doubt that. :-P

The perfect handshake

[Tetsujin]

The real trick to the perfect handshake is getting the hand properly pureed before you add the other ingredients.

Re:The perfect handshake

[natehoy]

It's also important to properly wash the hand, and remove the fingernails and bone unless your customer asks for "chunky".

Often forgotten is the use of a GOOD blender, and freezing the bowl beforehand to maintain proper temperature throughout the process.

Missing these steps makes the handshake weak and clammy rather than the firm, decisive, bold statement it is supposed to make.

If you really need your handshake to stand out, add some cayenne pepper and bing cherries. People love a bold handshake that promises a fruitful relationship, with just a hint of sweetness.

Re:The perfect handshake

[ImprovOmega]

Somehow, your sig extolling the coolness of bow-ties makes this extra creepy.

All those perfect "X" equations are bunk

[aepervius]

They are there only to allow more print/ads/whatever to be sold. That sort of article should go in IDLE. That is about as stupid as the perfect day, perfect ice, perfect whatever equation. They are all made up.

Stop giving credibility to this corporate PR

[bw-sf]

Chevrolet bribed some ethics-free academics to come up with a fake equation for publicity purposes. The academics took the money and invented a stupid equation per spec. Then Chevrolet issued a press release, and gullible media outlets obligingly reprinted it and discussed it. A victory for Chevrolet's marketing department, a defeat for academic integrity and sensible journalism. Don't be part of these scams.

and the funny solution is...

[RobertLTux]

to go even more archaic and switch to the various forms of bowing
(bonus points if you
1 are even partly oriental
2 regularly have your hands covered in "stuff"
3 are in a skill where you "can't risk" being on the receiving end of a crusher handshake)

NOT like a rock

[CeruleanDragon]

So Chevy has discovered that some things should not be "like a rock".

So THATs where our bailout dollars went...

[172pilot]

Only Chevy, after taking our bailout dollars and closing thousands of dealerships at the expense of tens of thousands of jobs would spend money to have SCIENTISTS try to quantify in a math formula, what constitutes a perfect handshake... Your tax dollars at work.. or rather NOT at work.. What a waste of money and time.

It's all a matter of protocol

[falken0905]

ACK/NAK
XON/XOFF
CTS/DTS
DTR/DSR
You don't need a fancy formula for any of those.
Of course, not everyone is a serial handshaker.

Another technique

[talktoyourpillow]

Just do it real fast and then stop

Slashdot, Please!

[Zephiris]

This isn't the kind of thing you expect from Slashdot, or Slashdot submitters/readers.

It's a PR stunt, but it's filed under 'science'.
It's also linking to a third party blog, 11 days after it was news.

Press release containing contact info: http://media.gm.com/content/media/gb/en/news/news_detail.brand_chevrolet.html/content/Pages/news/gb/en/2010/CHEVROLET/07_15_perfect_hand_shake

Original (as far as I know) blog entry mentioning it: http://jalopnik.com/5588201/this-is-the-formula-for-the-perfect-handshake

Contact email on the press release is chevrolet@mischiefpr.com.

If a Slashdot contributor gets taken for a line with that one, and editorial staff allows it through as a Science (not Idle) story, while nobody bothers to do even the slightest amount of digging, it might be high time to revise standards and practices, since Slashdot is starting to descend to a less-timely, less-informed, more gullible version of reddit.

I remember when Slashdot was THE place for techie/geeky news, and the comments were considerably more often than not insightful. Nowadays, people seem happier to quibble over minor semantics in an article while missing the big picture. I'm not trying to put Slashdot, one of my favorite sites, down but I'd rather it retain or improve level of quality, not slip toward the same plateau as Slashdot Parody Sites[tm].

If you're going to accept PR advertisements, at least put them in the ad box in the corner and accept payment, so people can opt out.

Loaned

[AlpineR]

The "bailout" was a loan. What do you care how it's spent? You'll get, or have already gotten, it back. Plus interest.

Post-docs

[AlpineR]

We got the same advice at an awful career fair for scientific post-docs that I attended. Sitting in a room with 300 other young scientists who recently earned their Ph.D.'s, being told not to give a wimpy handshake when meeting an interviewer - what a tremendously embarrassing waste of time.

The perfect handshake is the 3-way handshake

[Artik0]

Or that is what I was told in my network course:

• Host A sends a TCP SYNchronize packet to Host B
• Host B receives A's SYN
• Host B sends a SYNchronize-ACKnowledgement
• Host A receives B's SYN-ACK
• Host A sends ACKnowledge
• Host B receives ACK.
• TCP socket connection is ESTABLISHED

http://www.inetdaemon.com/tutorials/internet/tcp/3-way_handshake.shtml

Better than kisses.

[nevdelap]

If handshakes give you issues try living in Argentina where you are expected to kiss everyone. Every time anyone new is within introducing distance you're supposed to kiss them - I am talking about guys. I've nearly fallen over trying to negotiate a handshake while avoiding the kiss of some dude who happens to have happened by and knows someone that I was with. And it's anywhere - at home, in a club, in the street. My house mate's brother in law is actively unfriendly towards me because I don't kiss him hello - which if I did would be several times a week, just because I happen to be in the house when he arrives regularly. Man, when I get back to Australia I am going to enjoy whatever terrible handshakes come my way just knowing that my three day growth doesn't have to be rubbed by someone else's.

Metal Detector == No handshake needed.

[VortexCortex]

When someone offers me their hand to shake I simply:

1) Smile
2) Make Eye contact
3) Say, "I appreciate the offer, but that's really not unnecessary; I trust you..."
4) Explain that even if I had my doubts my building's metal detectors have already verified that they are not hiding weapons in their sleeves.

Seriously, handshakes are uncivilized.
If I want to touch a human, I'll rent one and touch them however I please &iexcl;

This is indirect spam

[mhwombat]

This really just looks like Chevrolet going through the motions companies go through when they want a "sciency" press release... commission a meaningless study. I don't think it should have made it to slashdot. Is there any depth to this?

Spreading germs

[w00tsauce]

I prefer the japanese way of bowing.

Re:'perfect' handshake requires only eye contact

[fractoid]

what is this i dont even

Thats enough

[Xel]

Dear scientists: Please stop fooling around with this silly stuff and give me my flying car!

The fistbump

[anilg]

Mike Arrington from techcrunch has an opposing take on the handshake
http://techcrunch.com/2009/05/09/hand-shaking-is-so-medieval-lets-end-it/

Already been discovered before

[youcantwin]

That guy beat them to it: http://www.theonion.com/articles/ceos-success-credited-to-unbelievable-handshake,1809/

Very cool

[__aailob1448]

Thanks for sharing that comic, it's hilarious!

What 'bout kisses?

[borarslan]

What a science! Will they find the best kiss? eksenim

Do like we English people do

[tehcyder]

and avoid physical contact entirely unless you're playing rugby or shagging someone (or both).

Guys

[AP31R0N]

Don't offer your hand to a lady. Let her decide if she wants that familiarity. It's presumptuous of a man to offer his.

i impressed my then girlfriend's mother (who is now my mother in law) by observing this rule.

Err on the side of being classy. You can't go wrong.

Cheap cars, cheap marketing

[ndixon]

Also reported by the Daily Mail, the Belfast Telegraph, Daily Star, and a whole bunch of other sh*trags that can't be bothered to report real stories. Even Fox News got in on the act.

This "research" was revealed in a press release published by Chevrolet UK (that's GM's rebadged Daewoo division), who are desperate to get people to buy their cars without paying for a full-page ad.

Amusingly though, Fox News and The Independent (which are poles apart in editorial views) reported this without even mentioning the company behind the press release; this thwarts GM's efforts, but also suggests that they think this is real news about real research, and not just a cheap marketing stunt.