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Microsoft Reputation Manager's Guide To Xbox One

Posted by timothy on from the good-question-glad-you-asked-that dept.

symbolset writes "In the wake of a disastrous E3 product reveal Microsoft has purportedly distributed a confidential internal 100-point 'FAQ' for the Xbox One that reads like it's from the Ministry of Truth. It was of course immediately leaked on pastebin. Kotaku has the story and an amusing online poll. In the discussion below make sure to line up the FAQ entries with the AC comments for extra 'Informative' moderation."

15 of 611 comments (clear)

  1. Damage control by girlintraining · · Score: 5, Insightful

    This just in: The XBone One has managed to achieve what the Dreamcast couldn't... blowing up prior to launch. The Dreamcast at least fired the engines before exploding in a firey storm of shit. Which, given that their customers seem to be EA games and other publishers, and not, you know, people who are going to buy the console... seems about right.

    There are Kickstarter consoles still on the drawing board, I mean, not even prototypes available yet, that have more pre-orders than the XBone. I don't think they could fail harder. Unless (dramatic pause) ... they bring Square Enix to headline this collossal cluster f*ck.

    --
    #fuckbeta #iamslashdot #dicemustdie
    1. Re:Damage control by Nerdfest · · Score: 5, Informative

      Must connect to the internet once a day or locks you out, extreme limitations on lending or buying used games, etc. An excellent reason to play Steam games under Linux overall.

    2. Re:Damage control by Noland150 · · Score: 5, Insightful

      I care about the broadband internet requirement since I live where none is available. I know we are a minority, but there are millions of us.

    3. Re:Damage control by symbolset · · Score: 5, Insightful

      do you really think anybody cares about the limitations?

      Yes. If it was so different and awesome in architecture that it delivered really innovative stuff then this might be OK. But it uses the same processor, slower RAM, more RAM reserved for OS, slower GPU. The hardware is in every way equal or worse - so the software and terms must be better to compensate - and they aren't.

      --
      Help stamp out iliturcy.
    4. Re:Damage control by fredgiblet · · Score: 5, Insightful

      And Taylor Swift was sent to a school for the deaf when they put up a poll asking where she should perform. Popular internet polls are as reliable as astrology. I'll wait for the launch before declaring a winner, and even then the PS3 staged a comeback in the last few years, so an early lead isn't a permadeath sentence.

    5. Re: Damage control by Therad · · Score: 5, Funny

      More like you have to drive the car one only on asphalt. And once a day you must drive at least a mile on asphalt otherwise you can't open the the backseat and the trunk. But you get tv in the car!

  2. Spin it all you like guys ... by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Insightful

    For some of us, you've already lost the sale. Always on internet is a killer for many of us, since it's mostly taking away our freedom.

    Fuck Xbox One.

    1. Re:Spin it all you like guys ... by PopeRatzo · · Score: 5, Insightful

      Fuck Xbox One.

      And what a great time, coincidentally, for there to be a renaissance in PC gaming.

      Now having had a peek at the next-gen consoles, I realize I've never been happier about being a PC gamer.

      --
      You are welcome on my lawn.
    2. Re:Spin it all you like guys ... by readingaccount · · Score: 5, Insightful

      You pretty much make the point why the XBone should be avoided when you said "It won't prevent me from playing as often as I like as long as the servers are always working..."

      This, THIS, THIS is why I have a problem with Internet-based DRM. It creates an artificial lifetime on a product where there doesn't need to be one. The ability to run the product is tied to the ability to authenticate against a server somewhere, which introduces so many points of failure (your net connection, the state of the remote server, the state of your account, etc).

      If the product is considered out of maintenance and the authentication servers are taken offline, you're fucked. The vendor MIGHT patch out the requirement for authentication later (if they haven't disappeared entirely), but there's no guarantee they will, compared to something without DRM in which you don't have any need for stress in the first place.

      Going towards an increasing level of restriction of consumer rights and a locking-up of software is not something we should be supporting. But a lot of people do, either because they're ignorant of the long term ramifications or simply because they don't give a shit.

      The biggest problem I have is that there are a LOT of people who are defending these restrictions with the Xbone for some reason, and I doubt they're all Microsoft shills. Some are fanboys, while others don't see the point of pushing back against aggressive companies. Heck, there's an editorial on Neowin where the author suggests we shouldn't be worried about the privacy issues with the always-on Kinect as we don't have any expectation of privacy anymore. In his words we should just "suck it up and get used to it". How fucked up is that?

  3. Beware Internet Echo Chambers by blarkon · · Score: 5, Insightful

    Remember the rage around here a few years back when Sony nixed Linux on PS3. Or the whole "rootkit fiasco"? Amazing how quickly past outrage is forgotten.

    1. Re:Beware Internet Echo Chambers by Nerdfest · · Score: 5, Interesting

      I still won't buy a PS4. Microsoft may have screwed themselves over, but Sony can't be trusted. As I said above, play games on a PC, in Linux ideally.

    2. Re:Beware Internet Echo Chambers by marcosdumay · · Score: 5, Insightful

      Let me see it I got that right: Sonny p0wing your computer is just stupid, but MS making an always online console is weapons grade stupid? I got that right?

      Also, why does nobody remember the "always on" feature of the MS Teleprompt?

      --
      Rethinking email
  4. Herp Derp Derp by girlintraining · · Score: 5, Insightful

    Q: What exclusive first-party games are in development, and when will we see them?

    A: None. Despite bending our customers over a barrel and raping them until they bled and screamed for mercy with our new DRM, we don't have a single exclusive to show for it.

    Q: How many games do you plan to ship at launch?

    A: We got a lot of promises, but the warehouse is presently, uhh, a bit vacant.

    Q: What is the new Xbox Live?

    A: For game publishers, it's the second coming of Christ, the ressurection, the moment we've been waiting for, beating ourselves off to in private fantasizing over. For game players, it's an unholy cluster fuck that makes Square Enix scorched Earth policy on every franchise you ever loved look positively humane.

    Q: What new benefits does Xbox Live offer?

    A: The new generation of Xbox Live gets to know you and your preferences, by watching you 24/7 through a webcam that cannot be turned off, and puts you at the center of all your games and entertainment, and then builds a giant 20 foot thick concrete wall between you and all your friends who you can't share any of it with without an extra fee. It will make sure your Xbox is always up to date and ready for you, like meeting every ex you ever had at a party, who then stalk you for the next year, posting comments on your Facebook about what a whore you were, and a cheater -- that gaming is better with smart, quick and intuitive multiplayer, unlike everything else on the market which can accomplish this basic feat without spying on you, whoring away your personal viewing habits, and knowing exactly when you're about to climax on the couch to post that new advertisement for Buxom Babes 7, backed by the new Smart Match system -- which is just like online dating, only creepier. It adds even more personalization to your TV and entertainment, because what's more entertaining and personal than sitting alone, in your basement, your friends unable to join you to play without paying an extra fee? Nothing, that's what! With the evolved Xbox Live, your games and profile are stored in the cloud, so you can access them from any Xbox One console, and we'd appreciate it a lot if you'd forget about what we've done with Sidekick, and every other Cloud platform we've absorbed like some Doctor Who alien, only with less wit and British charm.... this time will be different. We Promise(tm).

    Q: I saw reports stating friends will be unlimited and reports saying the cap is 1,000. Which is correct?

    A: We're excited to report it's the lower of the two, which shouldn't discourage you in any way... because we've tried very hard to match the same low standards that are already present in the industry with our next generation console!

    Q: Do I have to pay to access Xbox Live?

    A: No. We'll just be collecting your personal viewing habits and selling them to the lowest bidder.

    --
    #fuckbeta #iamslashdot #dicemustdie
  5. Re:XBone Fake FAQ by Luckyo · · Score: 5, Informative

    It's a bit too long for a troll document, and a just sufficiently corporate-speakish to be real. Teen trolls don't have the language skills to produce a document like that, while adult trolls don't have the time and patience to get over that many points.

    It also doesn't look like a collaboration because the writing style stays the same throughout the document.

    All in all, it has a very good chance of being a real thing.

  6. Re:Economies of scale by GigaplexNZ · · Score: 5, Insightful

    I'm sure knowing that is going to make the millions of ruralites feel much better about the situation knowing they're taking one for the team.