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Ask Slashdot: Terminally Ill - What Wisdom Should I Pass On To My Geek Daughter?
An anonymous reader writes: I am a scientist and educator who has been enjoying and learning from Slashdot since the late 90s. Now I come to you, my geek brothers and sisters, for help. I've been diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer, which you will remember is what took Steve Jobs and Randy Pausch from us. My condition is incurable. Palliative chemotherapy may delay the inevitable, but a realistic assessment suggests that I have anywhere from two to six months of "quality" time left, and likely not more than a year in total.
I am slowly coming to terms with my imminent death, but what bothers me most is that I will be leaving my wife alone, and that my daughter will have to grow up without her father. She is in sixth grade, has an inquisitive and sharp mind, and is interested in science and music. She seems well on the path to becoming a "girl geek" like her mother, an outcome I'd welcome.
Since I will not be around for all of the big events in her life, I am going to create a set of video messages for her that she can watch at those important times or just when she's having a bad day. I would like to do this before my condition progresses to the point that I am visibly ill, so time is short.
In the videos I will make clear how much I treasure the time we've spent together and the wonderful qualities I see in her. What other suggestions do you have? What did you need to hear at the different stages of your life? What wisdom would have been most helpful to you? At what times did you especially need the advice of a parent? And especially for my geek sisters, how can I help her navigate the unique issues faced by girls and women in today's world?
Please note that I'm posting anonymously because I don't want this to be about me. I'd prefer that the focus be on my daughter and how I can best help her. Thank you so much for your help.
I am slowly coming to terms with my imminent death, but what bothers me most is that I will be leaving my wife alone, and that my daughter will have to grow up without her father. She is in sixth grade, has an inquisitive and sharp mind, and is interested in science and music. She seems well on the path to becoming a "girl geek" like her mother, an outcome I'd welcome.
Since I will not be around for all of the big events in her life, I am going to create a set of video messages for her that she can watch at those important times or just when she's having a bad day. I would like to do this before my condition progresses to the point that I am visibly ill, so time is short.
In the videos I will make clear how much I treasure the time we've spent together and the wonderful qualities I see in her. What other suggestions do you have? What did you need to hear at the different stages of your life? What wisdom would have been most helpful to you? At what times did you especially need the advice of a parent? And especially for my geek sisters, how can I help her navigate the unique issues faced by girls and women in today's world?
Please note that I'm posting anonymously because I don't want this to be about me. I'd prefer that the focus be on my daughter and how I can best help her. Thank you so much for your help.
As important as it might be to encourage her geek talents, instilling and encouraging humanitarian values is far more important.
Make sure she knows she is loved. If you are religious, ask your wife to keep making it a priority to encourage those values in your daughter.
Make sure she knows that human beings have value and should be respected and treated well, just as you and your wife have treated her well.
Encourage her to use her talents and interests to make the world a better place.
Knowledge is how to play a game, intelligence is how to win, wisdom is knowing what game to play.
Is probably the best advice you could give her.
I've read slashdot for many years and this is the only thing on it that's made me cry, not that I have anything insightful to say.
Give her some book ideas. Books that my father (and mother) suggested to me growing up, even if I didn't read them until years later, were much more worthwhile, especially the ones they said had an impact on them, or remembered particularly. Books create a deep connection that will last beyond any one person's lifetime.
I'm so sorry for you and your family. This is a wonderfully sweet idea, your daughter is incredibly lucky.
I live in constant fear of the Coming of the Red Spiders.
Remind her to make frequent, automated backups of her data and to periodically check those backups manually.
Nothing interesting to say...MUST...NOT...REPLY...ohtheheckwithit.
That's the biggest most important thing I could say to my son in this situation.
Believe in yourself. At the point that things are darkest, have the faith and confidence to know that you'll survive it and most likely come out better in the long run.
Take those challenges. Fight your way to those goals, no matter how lofty because you CAN.
Also, when people try to sap your ambition or imagination, curb check them immediately. There is NO room in your life for doubters and wet blankets.
Most of all, love yourself and those around you as deeply and as often as you can. There will be a last time you see every person in your life. Treat each encounter with them like it is.
I'd tell her that her teenage years might be rough. I'd tell her not to worry about them and that life gets better in college, where you're surrounded by people that WANT to be there.
I'd tell her that she's going to feel a lot of pressure from the people around her to be "normal", and that's hogwash. She'll be told to look a certain way, act a certain way, and that there's a LOT of pressure to not be happy so she'll buy makeup or clothes so she can BE happy, but that that is BS and doesn't work.
I'd tell her that most of the people in the world don't know what they're doing with their lives. They're going through the motions and hoping no one else notices that they're lost. The people that make choices about what they want to do with their lives are the ones that are really happy, because their life has meaning. Tell her to do whatever she wants with her life, and you'll be happy if she's happy and lives her life well.
Tell her dating is a skill, and like any skill you learn it by fucking up a few times... Her first love won't be her last. There will be awkwardness and some small amount of stupidity, but you learn from that and you get better at it and eventually you figure out who you are, who you want to be, and then you find someone that you want to share your life with.
Tell her that another person can't complete her, ever. That's her job. She can't complete someone else. That's their job.
Other than that, I'd just spill your guts on random life lessons you've learned. :D Every word will be a treasure to her, so don't skimp on the trivial stuff!
Wrote me several letters when I was too young to read or understand them about things he wanted to let me know about in later life. He was not sick at the time and had no idea his life would be cut short by Multiple Sclerosis several years afterward. On his death, going through his files, I discovered the letters and they were very touching and helpful to me especially getting through the crisis of his passing. It let me know that as I was growing up and he was taken away by work and other responsibilities that he was still thinking of me even though at the time he seemed to be otherwise occupied. It also helped me to realize he was a person, a human being and not just "Dad", and helped me to understand and overlook some of his flaws. They did me a lot of good, whether or not he realized it at the time. I highly recommend doing this while you can. Your daughter will thank you and know you better as a person as a result, and not just have to rely on memories, photos and stories related by friends, etc. after you are gone.
I hope that helps a bit, a view from the other side...
-- You are in a maze of little, twisty passages, all different... --
Hi, A friend of mine was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, Stage 4, and he spent the next 6 months lecturing his sons (grades 5 and 8) and getting them to promise to be good. I hated to watch him do it because it put a tremendous extra burden on them. One year later, I would have to say the sons are not being "good." The burden of living up to Dad's expectations was overwhelming, I think. I lost my father the summer after 6th grade. I remember him telling me I could do anything I wanted, after he listened to me sing, "I am Woman, hear me Roar," probably slightly off key, and telling him I wanted to be a rock star. You won't be there in person in the future, but you are there now. Love her every day as if there is no tomorrow, thinking about today's concerns. Respond to her questions today. She's not ready for the future now, but trust that you've given her enough by who you are and she will be when she gets there.
Of course, you can always read the Last Lecture, and do what that tells you to do.
-A geeky scientist Mom
Might as well face it I'm addicted to data.
You can do a lot in two months, even more in six.
Take a vacation. See things you both have wanted to see.
Impart your wisdom in person while admiring the view at Yellowstone, Yosemite, from the deck of the Empire State Building, or the Eiffel Tower.
One second with her in person = years of films.
When Fascism comes to America, it will call itself Anti-Fascism, and tell you to give up your guns.
You might consider video taping your reaction/commentary as if you were there for possible moments in moments to major events that happen to most of us. Wedding, New Job, Graduation from High School, Graduation from College, Birth of a child, etc. Then you would have someone queued up to provide these videos at a proper moment in time. That would certainly keep you connect in your daughter's life. Maybe even a video from you to your grandkids talking about how you were as a child. Your likes, dislikes and even funny habits you might have had. I am so very glad you have shared this time of your life with us. Thank you very much.
I also have pancreatic cancer. When I was diagnosed, I thought of doing videos for my kids, but decided that it would be far too Hari Seldon, and I didn't have anything really useful to say.
Death is frightening, and one of the worst parts is the lack of ability to affect the future. In my opinion, the important thing is for her to have good memories of you. Tapes won't help with that. Videos of you two at the tech museum, or at the makers faire would be far more useful.
However, if you have something to say to her that is not age appropriate, a recording might be one way to do it. Otherwise, talk to her NOW.
Good luck.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company -- Mark Twain
Teach her not to be afraid.
Don't be afraid to try new things. Try all the things.
Don't be afraid to go against the popular ideas. Do what you think is best..
Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Ask for it!
Don't be afraid to do what you want. Do it!
Don't be afraid to travel. Go!
Women and girls especially need to stop believing they are weak and helpless. They need to learn their strengths and learn to reduce their weaknesses. Nobody is respected for their fears. Learn to not be afraid and you will get respect.
I was thinking of the same thing before I deployed to Iraq in 2007-08. I have two daughters - now 20 and 17, but much younger then, obviously. I had all kinds of ideas about what I could tell them or how I could communicate with them beyond the grave, as I took the possibility of not coming back very seriously at the time. Ultimately, I decided to do nothing. My reasons revolved around others' experiences - my brother died, for instance, at a similar time frame in his daughters' life. They demonstrated next to zero interest in what he was like, even though I had quite a bit of information about him, some audio tapes and the like. I offered to let them listen to it/see what I had/talk to them about it, and they had little interest. I didn't (and don't) imagine my kids would be any different. In the end, who cares who I was. I was their father when I was alive. Now that i'm not, i'm just some cold stone or an urn or something, a few pictures and not much else. Expecting my words to have much significance to them was not realistic.
HBI's Law: Frequency of calling others Nazis is directly correlated with the likelihood of the accuser being Communist.
I know the question is about video messages to your daughter , but there is also your wife who will miss you ....
I read somewhere that a guy arranged at a local flowershop to send flowers to his wife on valentines day for some years after his death.. ...Maybe you can arrange something like that for her... good luck !
What is best in life? To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of their women.
You are in a position to convey the message that life is short, and the best way to do it all the way is to make sure you enjoy every possible moment. Encourage her to find her passions, and ignore the f*ck out of anyone that stands in her way towards those goals.Obviously some things in life aren't awesome (book reports, taxes, blah), but as long as they are stepping stones to what she really wants to do they are OK.
I would encourage you to label some recordings as appropriate when she gets a little older, and include in those recordings your deepest regrets, your proudest moments, and how you learned to overcome obstacles that you found in your way.
I would avoid the temptation to spend time on these recordings that you would otherwise spend with her in person. Don't use the camera as a means to avoid spending time with her, because i *know* the temptation may creep in when you begin to feel ill, and you don't want her to remember you as sick.
Include lots of recordings of the two of you together, enjoying life. Take her hiking, go see every sweet father/daughter movie there is, go to dances, bungie jump together. These aren't specifically nerd things, but they are things that will make her really look up to you and your legacy, and she will see your footsteps as admirable, and she will come to realize the way you lived is fit for her too. Show her that nerds are awesome.
I wouldn't wish what you're going through on my worst enemy, and if there was something I could do to give you two one more year together I would give it a shot. I'm sorry for your spot, but I applaud your attitude and your desire to do this for her. You're a great dad.
F*ck Cancer.
If my father had a set of videos like this for me to see after he died, I would want to watch every video anyway. If he had a video about what to do if I became a farmer (a route I didn't take) I would still want to watch another unique moment he took the time to create for me.
-- All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. -- Edmund Burke
This is a very difficult endeavor for you but I asked my mom to leave her granddaughter videos of herself talking about her, the things she likes to do, her views on life and anything she wanted to tell her.
The most important thing was that she did this early on because your energy goes away. The videos need to be done NOW. The letters and writings can be done right up until about a week before the end.
Tell her about your childhood
Tell her about your first love
Tell her about your first kiss
Tell her about what you thought when she came into this world
Tell her about when you found out your wife was pregnant
Tell her about everything you have any emotional connection to.
Tell her your hopes and dreams (not of her, but yours)
Tell her how much you love her and give her confidence.
Tell her how you want her to make an impact on the world for the better no matter how small
Tell her whatever is on your mind as you write.
The most important thing is to give her things to remember you from. A nice touch is to create a letter or video for each birthday, but keep in mind she won't be able to handle these until she's much older.
National Cancer Institute did a review of Gerson's claims. I'll save everyone a lot of time with the spoiler: Gerson was full of shit, don't waste your time. http://www.cancer.gov/cancerto...
Nothing about preparing videos for his daughter implies that he's NOT spending time with her now.
For those who don't have kids, you can't spend every waking minute with them. They don't even WANT that. I have a very young child who sometimes just wants time with mommy. Sometimes she wants me and not mommy. As they get older, kids spend time with friends and their own interests (note that the OP's child is in 6th grade). I suspect there's plenty of time to record videos when the daughter is doing other things, not home, etc.
As someone who lost their father at around the same age, I've had ~30 years to reflect on what I think I've missed most. The biggest thing that I think I missed out on is knowing who he really was. At that age, you have a view of your parents similar to that of many children - you only really know them from your interactions with them from a child's point of view. As you grow up with your parents, that expands as you can understand more about them. Today, I would love to ask my father about his life and why he made some of the decisions he did (not that any of them were bad).
Some examples - as a child I had no idea of what career I'd go into. As a teenager, I would have loved to talk to my father about his college choices, why he chose the degrees he did, what it was like working for X or Y company, or even what was his favorite color.
Something else to keep in mind - Make sure that they know about your family and know how to get in touch. After my father died, I don't think I had any real contact with his side of the family for 25 years. Email addresses, family trees, backgrounds, details on brothers/sisters/cousins are all important to make sure they have.
Finally, make sure that you leave something personal. I know it might sound odd but the only item I still have with that personal connection to my father is a VHS tape with a hand-written label of a television show we would watch together. The tape isn't the important part to me - it's the label with his handwriting. It's one of the few things I have that prove he was here on this planet.
Focus on who you are, what you did, why you did it and let your daughter know how proud you already are of her. You can't guide her on each challenge she is going to face, but you can share your experiences, insights and personal history with her to help her shape her future.
(AP for the same reasons as the submitter, also the only time I've cried while on /. Thank you submitter - I think this post was better for me than therapy)
"Congratulations on getting an old h264 decoder to run on modern hardware. Now you know what computers were like in my day. I hope you enjoyed rewriting the Vorbis decoder based on the spec sheet I left you."
FWIW, Steve Jobs had a Pancreatic Neuroendocrine Tumor (often called a PNET or islet cell cancer). What most people think of when they hear pacreatic cancer is an extremely agressive, fast growing cancer that has single digit survival percentages at 12 months. Steve Jobs' cancer was a neuroendocrine tumor which can have survival times much greater than typical pancreatic cancer. I know this because I have a carcinoid cancer which is a neuroendocrine tumor and have been fighting this for years (14 this October).
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Don't try to "pass on wisdom". Don't try to saddle her with some deep knowledge you feel the need to impart.
Tell her you love her. Tell her you're proud of her. Tell her she can be a bad ass, or any other thing she wants to. Tell her what is happening. Tell her it's something which happens, and that while it hurts it is a fact of life.
But for the love of god don't try to pass on some parental wisdom she'll be saddled with.
Passing on a specific set of wisdom is about you.
You're dying; that is scary, tragic, and will be tough for her to deal with.
Leave her happy videos of you and her and the family, not a proscribed series of messages to be viewed at times in her life. I'm betting she'd rather see videos of you singing Monty Python songs than moralizing from beyond the grave.
Seriously, talk with your wife, talk with your doctor, talk with your friends, talk with your daughter ... but for the love of god don't ask Slashdot what to do here.
By all means do leave behind happy memories and videos to look back on. But don't be so mission oriented. That's just grim.
Lost at C:>. Found at C.
I would want my daughter to know the following:
1) I work am a child psychologist and interview parents all the time. When I ask what they want for their child, I am always happy to hear something along the lines of happy and independent when they reach adulthood. Make sure she knows that you goals for her are generalized to her happiness and independence, not specific things such as attend Notre Dame and become an accomplished engineer.
2) Know that she is loved for who she is. (especially by you and her mom) Know that other people do judge you and it can be harsh, but one of the awesome things in life, is that as you get older and are better able to choose the people with whom you interact, the fear of this judgment decreases. The "It gets better campaign" for LGBT youth is a founded on this concept, but I think it applies to all teens.
3) Girls are unfairly subject to society-specific, irrational concepts like having to look a certain way or behave in more rigid patterns. She does not have to follow those patterns unless she wants to.
4) Guys, especially in high school and college, heck many adults, can be driven by hormonally-driven motives. Watch out for hormones combined with lousy environmental circumstances like alcohol, drugs, dark alleys. Guys in high school and college also have immature pre-frontal cortices, resulting in increased impulsiveness. Make sure she has a solid set of friends that help watch out for one another.
5) The world is a fascinating place, go see it with an open mind and find new ideas that make your part of the world better.
6) The meaning of life is elusive, but to some degree we get to define our own. I have chosen that I want to make the world easier and better for other people as my meaning. I am doing so and therefore everything else is usually pretty cool. Make sure she knows to seek meaning in things that she can have control over. Psychologists refer to this as increasing your perception of self-efficacy, which usually correlates with increased optimism and happiness. This will be particularly hard in the face of the uncontrollable circumstances that led to why you are recording these things for her.
7) Record some of the goofy, stupid crap that you loved about your life, and some of the stuff you wish you would have avoided. New details from your life will help her feel close to you even after you are gone.
8) Make sure she knows that she can grieve and that it sucks and it is not fair, and that you feel the same way. Make sure she also knows that if she has a hard time grieving, that it is totally cool with you if she seeks help to figure out all the complex feelings.
9) Let her know that it is okay for her to be happy again. So many people grieving for loved ones feel bad when they feel happy, or feel like they "forgot to be sad". As though they are not doing due diligence to continue being sad over the loss. Making sure she has active access to enjoyable activities and social support. She might feel like she is "forgetting you," but reassure her that you know better. All you would want is for to be able to really enjoy the life she has. Having room in her head for all of the great times your family shared is part of that, but so is her capacity for building new great memories and experiences, and that is not a betrayal to you.
10) I would leave some pictures of prized possessions and experiences, with an explanation of why they are prized. Again, this will let her continue to get to know you.
11) Writing about complex ideas helps us understand and let go of negative feelings associated with things such as death or trauma. I would encourage her to keep a journal, and if comfortable doing so, share it with her mother to help figure these things out. It is a lot easier to recognize incomplete or irrational thoughts when we write them out.
Sincerest wishes for the least painful end possible
Yes! Do this!
And then make a bunch of completely ridiculous ones too.
"If you're watching this video, Aliens have invaded New York."
"If you're watching this video, Charlie Sheen just accepted the Academy award for best actor."
Have some fun with these! They should't all be serious. Some of the best moments we have with loved ones are just silly rediculous things.
Hang on a sec, I'll get to my point of disagreement.
I forget the exact quote or even who the alleged author was, but it goes something like this. "Subject like Math can surely help in a career and portions of life, but understanding Politics is vastly more important. Politics effects every moment of your life, without exception. There is no subject more important, because nothing else impacts you the same way." An example is: Being a good cook takes some education, and you will surely have better tasting meals on the table. A politician taxing labor and goods, regulating food and what producers can put in the grocery store impacts not just the flavor but what you can afford to put on the table.
This lesson took me a long time to fully understand, but the world I look at today is not my own small corner. The world I am leaving to my kid is immense and goes far beyond what I directly control. I can influence the world, but I can't change it. (Reading how that sounds "NO", I am not the author of TFA).
Philosophy, Ethics, and Logic are all tied tightly together. Morality is an essential piece of those three things. Empathy is understanding the morality you dish out, as you would receive it.
The lessons of Liberal Arts last for a lifetime, compared to technology which is largely short lived knowledge. I'm sure you were proud of your Commodore64 knowledge like I was at the time, but that stuff all vanished. As did DOS, SunOS 2, HP-UX 9, and all of these other technologies that people said were "essential" to know. The latest application is not important when a large portion of the population can't afford it.
Encourage the geekiness, but make sure they understand the fundamentals that carry them through life. That means living your life knowing that you leave a legacy behind, and ensuring you know how you wish to be remembered in history. Even if that history is small family stuff it matters.
-The wise argue that there are few absolutes, the fool argues that there are no probabilities.
This is an amazing list. I only have one thing to add (along the lines of your #10):
12) Tell her about yourself. Your daughter is old enough to remember you, but she isn't old enough to have really gotten to know you. That is something she is bound to be very curious about. She will get information from your wife, your family and friends that are still around, but hearing things directly from you could also be helpful. Tell her about important moments in your life. What were your goals dreams when in high school / college / your 20's. I enjoy talking to my mother and father about their lives, and now that I am in my 30's with my own daughter I have a different perspective.
-- All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. -- Edmund Burke