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Ask Slashdot: Terminally Ill - What Wisdom Should I Pass On To My Geek Daughter?
An anonymous reader writes: I am a scientist and educator who has been enjoying and learning from Slashdot since the late 90s. Now I come to you, my geek brothers and sisters, for help. I've been diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer, which you will remember is what took Steve Jobs and Randy Pausch from us. My condition is incurable. Palliative chemotherapy may delay the inevitable, but a realistic assessment suggests that I have anywhere from two to six months of "quality" time left, and likely not more than a year in total.
I am slowly coming to terms with my imminent death, but what bothers me most is that I will be leaving my wife alone, and that my daughter will have to grow up without her father. She is in sixth grade, has an inquisitive and sharp mind, and is interested in science and music. She seems well on the path to becoming a "girl geek" like her mother, an outcome I'd welcome.
Since I will not be around for all of the big events in her life, I am going to create a set of video messages for her that she can watch at those important times or just when she's having a bad day. I would like to do this before my condition progresses to the point that I am visibly ill, so time is short.
In the videos I will make clear how much I treasure the time we've spent together and the wonderful qualities I see in her. What other suggestions do you have? What did you need to hear at the different stages of your life? What wisdom would have been most helpful to you? At what times did you especially need the advice of a parent? And especially for my geek sisters, how can I help her navigate the unique issues faced by girls and women in today's world?
Please note that I'm posting anonymously because I don't want this to be about me. I'd prefer that the focus be on my daughter and how I can best help her. Thank you so much for your help.
I am slowly coming to terms with my imminent death, but what bothers me most is that I will be leaving my wife alone, and that my daughter will have to grow up without her father. She is in sixth grade, has an inquisitive and sharp mind, and is interested in science and music. She seems well on the path to becoming a "girl geek" like her mother, an outcome I'd welcome.
Since I will not be around for all of the big events in her life, I am going to create a set of video messages for her that she can watch at those important times or just when she's having a bad day. I would like to do this before my condition progresses to the point that I am visibly ill, so time is short.
In the videos I will make clear how much I treasure the time we've spent together and the wonderful qualities I see in her. What other suggestions do you have? What did you need to hear at the different stages of your life? What wisdom would have been most helpful to you? At what times did you especially need the advice of a parent? And especially for my geek sisters, how can I help her navigate the unique issues faced by girls and women in today's world?
Please note that I'm posting anonymously because I don't want this to be about me. I'd prefer that the focus be on my daughter and how I can best help her. Thank you so much for your help.
As important as it might be to encourage her geek talents, instilling and encouraging humanitarian values is far more important.
Make sure she knows she is loved. If you are religious, ask your wife to keep making it a priority to encourage those values in your daughter.
Make sure she knows that human beings have value and should be respected and treated well, just as you and your wife have treated her well.
Encourage her to use her talents and interests to make the world a better place.
Knowledge is how to play a game, intelligence is how to win, wisdom is knowing what game to play.
Is probably the best advice you could give her.
I would make several videos on the each subject with decision trees. You stated your wife is technology minded. She should be able to craft them into an interactive video format. e.g. the old books with a "Yes, turn to page x or No, turn to page y". Love them both much as possible while you can.
I've read slashdot for many years and this is the only thing on it that's made me cry, not that I have anything insightful to say.
Give her some book ideas. Books that my father (and mother) suggested to me growing up, even if I didn't read them until years later, were much more worthwhile, especially the ones they said had an impact on them, or remembered particularly. Books create a deep connection that will last beyond any one person's lifetime.
I'm so sorry for you and your family. This is a wonderfully sweet idea, your daughter is incredibly lucky.
I live in constant fear of the Coming of the Red Spiders.
Remind her to make frequent, automated backups of her data and to periodically check those backups manually.
Nothing interesting to say...MUST...NOT...REPLY...ohtheheckwithit.
That's the biggest most important thing I could say to my son in this situation.
Believe in yourself. At the point that things are darkest, have the faith and confidence to know that you'll survive it and most likely come out better in the long run.
Take those challenges. Fight your way to those goals, no matter how lofty because you CAN.
Also, when people try to sap your ambition or imagination, curb check them immediately. There is NO room in your life for doubters and wet blankets.
Most of all, love yourself and those around you as deeply and as often as you can. There will be a last time you see every person in your life. Treat each encounter with them like it is.
I'd tell her that her teenage years might be rough. I'd tell her not to worry about them and that life gets better in college, where you're surrounded by people that WANT to be there.
I'd tell her that she's going to feel a lot of pressure from the people around her to be "normal", and that's hogwash. She'll be told to look a certain way, act a certain way, and that there's a LOT of pressure to not be happy so she'll buy makeup or clothes so she can BE happy, but that that is BS and doesn't work.
I'd tell her that most of the people in the world don't know what they're doing with their lives. They're going through the motions and hoping no one else notices that they're lost. The people that make choices about what they want to do with their lives are the ones that are really happy, because their life has meaning. Tell her to do whatever she wants with her life, and you'll be happy if she's happy and lives her life well.
Tell her dating is a skill, and like any skill you learn it by fucking up a few times... Her first love won't be her last. There will be awkwardness and some small amount of stupidity, but you learn from that and you get better at it and eventually you figure out who you are, who you want to be, and then you find someone that you want to share your life with.
Tell her that another person can't complete her, ever. That's her job. She can't complete someone else. That's their job.
Other than that, I'd just spill your guts on random life lessons you've learned. :D Every word will be a treasure to her, so don't skimp on the trivial stuff!
Wrote me several letters when I was too young to read or understand them about things he wanted to let me know about in later life. He was not sick at the time and had no idea his life would be cut short by Multiple Sclerosis several years afterward. On his death, going through his files, I discovered the letters and they were very touching and helpful to me especially getting through the crisis of his passing. It let me know that as I was growing up and he was taken away by work and other responsibilities that he was still thinking of me even though at the time he seemed to be otherwise occupied. It also helped me to realize he was a person, a human being and not just "Dad", and helped me to understand and overlook some of his flaws. They did me a lot of good, whether or not he realized it at the time. I highly recommend doing this while you can. Your daughter will thank you and know you better as a person as a result, and not just have to rely on memories, photos and stories related by friends, etc. after you are gone.
I hope that helps a bit, a view from the other side...
-- You are in a maze of little, twisty passages, all different... --
It's okay to say "I don't know" in almost every situation if you really don't know the answer, especially following it up with "I'll find out and let you know".
Obviously this won't work well on tests and the like, but in everyday life nobody has all the answers.
Ask her school if you can give a Last Lecture to them and, if you choose to put it online, to 6th-grade students everywhere.
Knowledge is how to play a game, intelligence is how to win, wisdom is knowing what game to play.
Depending on how she is as a person, this may or may not be something to consider...
Set up a mailserver for her and your wife. You may very well have your own domain and mail already. But just ask some friends to help to ensure this will last a long time.
Then I'd suggest a series of short messages as well that could go on a very long time. Video, yes, by all means. But even some emails. Start writing down stuff now as it comes to you. The first time you remember getting in trouble. The first time you had chocolate. Or the first time you had a drink of alcohol. Anything. Everything that sticks out to you as a story. Don't preach. Don't try to impart anything. Just be you in your own voice. Talk to her like you would anyone you love. She'll find wisdom and encouragement in those things. We are only the stories we tell. Facts can be found anywhere. Information is handed out freely. But it's the connections we share with the people we love that give meaning to all of it. Give her the chance to have your stories unfold like they naturally would. Who knows what she'll be doing at 30 when that email finds her. Personally I'd laugh, cry, and be happy to have another tale from my father.
Hi, A friend of mine was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, Stage 4, and he spent the next 6 months lecturing his sons (grades 5 and 8) and getting them to promise to be good. I hated to watch him do it because it put a tremendous extra burden on them. One year later, I would have to say the sons are not being "good." The burden of living up to Dad's expectations was overwhelming, I think. I lost my father the summer after 6th grade. I remember him telling me I could do anything I wanted, after he listened to me sing, "I am Woman, hear me Roar," probably slightly off key, and telling him I wanted to be a rock star. You won't be there in person in the future, but you are there now. Love her every day as if there is no tomorrow, thinking about today's concerns. Respond to her questions today. She's not ready for the future now, but trust that you've given her enough by who you are and she will be when she gets there.
Of course, you can always read the Last Lecture, and do what that tells you to do.
-A geeky scientist Mom
Might as well face it I'm addicted to data.
You can do a lot in two months, even more in six.
Take a vacation. See things you both have wanted to see.
Impart your wisdom in person while admiring the view at Yellowstone, Yosemite, from the deck of the Empire State Building, or the Eiffel Tower.
One second with her in person = years of films.
When Fascism comes to America, it will call itself Anti-Fascism, and tell you to give up your guns.
You might consider video taping your reaction/commentary as if you were there for possible moments in moments to major events that happen to most of us. Wedding, New Job, Graduation from High School, Graduation from College, Birth of a child, etc. Then you would have someone queued up to provide these videos at a proper moment in time. That would certainly keep you connect in your daughter's life. Maybe even a video from you to your grandkids talking about how you were as a child. Your likes, dislikes and even funny habits you might have had. I am so very glad you have shared this time of your life with us. Thank you very much.
It's easy to forget this simple concept and waste your time with pointless stress and self-doubt.
I also have pancreatic cancer. When I was diagnosed, I thought of doing videos for my kids, but decided that it would be far too Hari Seldon, and I didn't have anything really useful to say.
Death is frightening, and one of the worst parts is the lack of ability to affect the future. In my opinion, the important thing is for her to have good memories of you. Tapes won't help with that. Videos of you two at the tech museum, or at the makers faire would be far more useful.
However, if you have something to say to her that is not age appropriate, a recording might be one way to do it. Otherwise, talk to her NOW.
Good luck.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company -- Mark Twain
"She is in sixth grade, has an inquisitive and sharp mind, and is interested in science and music."
The patterns set down in those years will serve her well. Tell her that adulthood seems a mile away, but it will be there in the blink of an eye. Don't be too quick to grow up, because you'll have plenty of days when you wish you were a kid again. What others think doesn't matter much in the long run. And tell her you're proud. No one will ever give a girl (about to enter a difficult age) as much confidence as her Daddy can.
Teach her not to be afraid.
Don't be afraid to try new things. Try all the things.
Don't be afraid to go against the popular ideas. Do what you think is best..
Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Ask for it!
Don't be afraid to do what you want. Do it!
Don't be afraid to travel. Go!
Women and girls especially need to stop believing they are weak and helpless. They need to learn their strengths and learn to reduce their weaknesses. Nobody is respected for their fears. Learn to not be afraid and you will get respect.
I recently started writing "book of thoughts" for my own daughter, and was struggling to think of what to put in it. I then thought of the conversations I'd have with my own father over the years, the things I'd learned from him, and the things I'd wanted to ask him but had never come up. Over time, I realized that in spite of what each generation wants to think, their problems are not necessarily new, but are the same sorts of things with different window dressing...and that the same conversations I've had with my own daughter have really echoed the ones I had with my father. Be curious about new ideas, don't live beyond your means, double check anything you're told, be honest because once you get a reputation for not telling the truth, it's impossible to get rid of it, and so on. I'd also assemble a "reading list" of books that have been influential or important in your own life, and given that you're foresighted enough to be doing a project like that, I'm sure there have been a few. Maybe even put some in a time capsule for her, when she's at the right age to read and understand them. And, if you have them still laying around somewhere, I would include notes from college, and personal papers. After my other father passed away, reading things like that he had left gave me some insight into his life at different times.
Pics, er, I mean, peer-reviewed study with independent confirmation of results or it didn't happen.
Knowledge is how to play a game, intelligence is how to win, wisdom is knowing what game to play.
.... give her a hug every single day.
I was thinking of the same thing before I deployed to Iraq in 2007-08. I have two daughters - now 20 and 17, but much younger then, obviously. I had all kinds of ideas about what I could tell them or how I could communicate with them beyond the grave, as I took the possibility of not coming back very seriously at the time. Ultimately, I decided to do nothing. My reasons revolved around others' experiences - my brother died, for instance, at a similar time frame in his daughters' life. They demonstrated next to zero interest in what he was like, even though I had quite a bit of information about him, some audio tapes and the like. I offered to let them listen to it/see what I had/talk to them about it, and they had little interest. I didn't (and don't) imagine my kids would be any different. In the end, who cares who I was. I was their father when I was alive. Now that i'm not, i'm just some cold stone or an urn or something, a few pictures and not much else. Expecting my words to have much significance to them was not realistic.
HBI's Law: Frequency of calling others Nazis is directly correlated with the likelihood of the accuser being Communist.
Episode 401: The Parent Trap http://www.thisamericanlife.or... Also, keep in mind that we could learn from you that you could learn from most of us. Peace - SingleEntendre
I know the question is about video messages to your daughter , but there is also your wife who will miss you ....
I read somewhere that a guy arranged at a local flowershop to send flowers to his wife on valentines day for some years after his death.. ...Maybe you can arrange something like that for her... good luck !
What is best in life? To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of their women.
You are in a position to convey the message that life is short, and the best way to do it all the way is to make sure you enjoy every possible moment. Encourage her to find her passions, and ignore the f*ck out of anyone that stands in her way towards those goals.Obviously some things in life aren't awesome (book reports, taxes, blah), but as long as they are stepping stones to what she really wants to do they are OK.
I would encourage you to label some recordings as appropriate when she gets a little older, and include in those recordings your deepest regrets, your proudest moments, and how you learned to overcome obstacles that you found in your way.
I would avoid the temptation to spend time on these recordings that you would otherwise spend with her in person. Don't use the camera as a means to avoid spending time with her, because i *know* the temptation may creep in when you begin to feel ill, and you don't want her to remember you as sick.
Include lots of recordings of the two of you together, enjoying life. Take her hiking, go see every sweet father/daughter movie there is, go to dances, bungie jump together. These aren't specifically nerd things, but they are things that will make her really look up to you and your legacy, and she will see your footsteps as admirable, and she will come to realize the way you lived is fit for her too. Show her that nerds are awesome.
I wouldn't wish what you're going through on my worst enemy, and if there was something I could do to give you two one more year together I would give it a shot. I'm sorry for your spot, but I applaud your attitude and your desire to do this for her. You're a great dad.
F*ck Cancer.
I'd like to quote Harry Chapin retelling a story of his grandfather.
I wished I had learnt this lesson a lot earlier in life.
"There's two kinds of tired. There's 'good tired' and there's 'bad tired'.
Ironically now, 'bad tired' can be a day that you won, but you won other peoples' battles, you lived other peoples' days, other peoples' agendas, other peoples' dreams and when it's all over there was very little you in there and when you hit the hay at night somehow you toss and turn, you don't settle easy.
'Good tired', ironically enough, can be a day that you lost, but you only have to tell yourself, cause you knew, you fought your battles, you chased your dreams, you lived your days and when you hit the hay at night you settle easy, you sleep the sleep of the just and you can say 'take me away'."
Do listen to the full story.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?...
This is a very difficult endeavor for you but I asked my mom to leave her granddaughter videos of herself talking about her, the things she likes to do, her views on life and anything she wanted to tell her.
The most important thing was that she did this early on because your energy goes away. The videos need to be done NOW. The letters and writings can be done right up until about a week before the end.
Tell her about your childhood
Tell her about your first love
Tell her about your first kiss
Tell her about what you thought when she came into this world
Tell her about when you found out your wife was pregnant
Tell her about everything you have any emotional connection to.
Tell her your hopes and dreams (not of her, but yours)
Tell her how much you love her and give her confidence.
Tell her how you want her to make an impact on the world for the better no matter how small
Tell her whatever is on your mind as you write.
The most important thing is to give her things to remember you from. A nice touch is to create a letter or video for each birthday, but keep in mind she won't be able to handle these until she's much older.
National Cancer Institute did a review of Gerson's claims. I'll save everyone a lot of time with the spoiler: Gerson was full of shit, don't waste your time. http://www.cancer.gov/cancerto...
Nothing about preparing videos for his daughter implies that he's NOT spending time with her now.
For those who don't have kids, you can't spend every waking minute with them. They don't even WANT that. I have a very young child who sometimes just wants time with mommy. Sometimes she wants me and not mommy. As they get older, kids spend time with friends and their own interests (note that the OP's child is in 6th grade). I suspect there's plenty of time to record videos when the daughter is doing other things, not home, etc.
...my condolences on your medical situation. And, my compliments to you for paying attention to the legacy you want to leave that would benefit your daughter. She has a fine father.
/. When you are but a memory, she will still be influenced by your love, care and devotion in the midst of your own crushing burden. The grand gesture--should you pursue it still--will pale in comparison to those memes you bury in her brain in these next few months.
As a recovering "shrink," my counsel to you is this: Don't worry about the legacy you can leave; you've already done that with your life, which gave and nurtured her life, and your evident attention to her growing-up years. Start with questions: What is SHE planning; what interests HER, what would help HER cope with the loss of her father. Probably the greatest gift you can give her is now: Your presence, your love, your time, especially since these are now all in limited supply.
My counsel: Don't worry about some grand legacy to leave, but do record these happy moments--tinged as they are with bittersweet facts.
Finally, your love for your daughter is palpable in your public plea here on
I am saddened by her impending loss.
As someone who lost their father at around the same age, I've had ~30 years to reflect on what I think I've missed most. The biggest thing that I think I missed out on is knowing who he really was. At that age, you have a view of your parents similar to that of many children - you only really know them from your interactions with them from a child's point of view. As you grow up with your parents, that expands as you can understand more about them. Today, I would love to ask my father about his life and why he made some of the decisions he did (not that any of them were bad).
Some examples - as a child I had no idea of what career I'd go into. As a teenager, I would have loved to talk to my father about his college choices, why he chose the degrees he did, what it was like working for X or Y company, or even what was his favorite color.
Something else to keep in mind - Make sure that they know about your family and know how to get in touch. After my father died, I don't think I had any real contact with his side of the family for 25 years. Email addresses, family trees, backgrounds, details on brothers/sisters/cousins are all important to make sure they have.
Finally, make sure that you leave something personal. I know it might sound odd but the only item I still have with that personal connection to my father is a VHS tape with a hand-written label of a television show we would watch together. The tape isn't the important part to me - it's the label with his handwriting. It's one of the few things I have that prove he was here on this planet.
Focus on who you are, what you did, why you did it and let your daughter know how proud you already are of her. You can't guide her on each challenge she is going to face, but you can share your experiences, insights and personal history with her to help her shape her future.
(AP for the same reasons as the submitter, also the only time I've cried while on /. Thank you submitter - I think this post was better for me than therapy)
"Congratulations on getting an old h264 decoder to run on modern hardware. Now you know what computers were like in my day. I hope you enjoyed rewriting the Vorbis decoder based on the spec sheet I left you."
I know how hard it was to lose my father when I was a fairly young adult - so I can only imagine how you and your family are feeling right now. You are in my prayers.
If I think about things I'd want to say to my (now young adult) daughter, if I had been in your shoes at the point in time you're currently at...
I have no geek advice, but - tell her you love her. Tell her you're proud of her, no matter what she chooses to do with her life. Tell her to take her time with boys - they'll still be there when she's ready. And tell her to tell her mother she loves her and that you love her.
Tell her about funny stories, and the interesting things you've seen. Tell her about your friends growing up, and the mischief you got into. Tell her about your favorite music, so she has something to roll her eyes at.
And take care.
#DeleteChrome
Try https://www.cereproc.com/en/products/cerevoiceme
This way even if you cannot keep making videos, you can still create messages and she can hear them in your voice.
Later - if she wants she can read your emails in 'your voice', anything you wrote that is kept (facebook/twitter - even this post).
Take care
FWIW, Steve Jobs had a Pancreatic Neuroendocrine Tumor (often called a PNET or islet cell cancer). What most people think of when they hear pacreatic cancer is an extremely agressive, fast growing cancer that has single digit survival percentages at 12 months. Steve Jobs' cancer was a neuroendocrine tumor which can have survival times much greater than typical pancreatic cancer. I know this because I have a carcinoid cancer which is a neuroendocrine tumor and have been fighting this for years (14 this October).
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I am sorry to hear about your prognosis. As someone with a Geek child (now 20) I can offer some stuff for you. There are two ways to go about this: Regular Advice or Geek advice. You can go exclusively geek advice, but that is a short list and technically rather short sighted. You can give regular advice, but can add geek references would probably be more appropriate.
* How to pick a good mate (interests, money, sex, religion, etc.) Maybe include stories of your wife/your courting .. money, sex, religion)
* How to succeed a marriage (how to fight, alone time, sex, money, etc.)
* How to be a good partner in a relationship (no passive/aggressive, fight fair, etc.)
* Sex in general
* Self Esteem (how she is good how she is, don't change, positive notes, etc.)
* Geeky stuff you like (TV shows, books, games, etc.)
* Encourage who she is (follow your passions, be strong and confident, etc.)
* Encourage talents (you should be able to see them there, give her suggestions on what to do)
* Money (how to invest, save/emergency fund, net worth, save for retirement, keeping up with the jones, etc.)
* General advice like (top 3 reasons people get a divorce
* General tech advice (password resets, no 2 passwords the same, once online always online, etc.)
* More general stuff about the world around her (world economy, driving in your area, etc.) anything that you would tell a kid during their lifetime.
Don't try to "pass on wisdom". Don't try to saddle her with some deep knowledge you feel the need to impart.
Tell her you love her. Tell her you're proud of her. Tell her she can be a bad ass, or any other thing she wants to. Tell her what is happening. Tell her it's something which happens, and that while it hurts it is a fact of life.
But for the love of god don't try to pass on some parental wisdom she'll be saddled with.
Passing on a specific set of wisdom is about you.
You're dying; that is scary, tragic, and will be tough for her to deal with.
Leave her happy videos of you and her and the family, not a proscribed series of messages to be viewed at times in her life. I'm betting she'd rather see videos of you singing Monty Python songs than moralizing from beyond the grave.
Seriously, talk with your wife, talk with your doctor, talk with your friends, talk with your daughter ... but for the love of god don't ask Slashdot what to do here.
By all means do leave behind happy memories and videos to look back on. But don't be so mission oriented. That's just grim.
Lost at C:>. Found at C.
Perhaps she is too young to hear everything that he has to say right now.
Watching the video at a more appropriate time/age could have a lasting impression.
-Will P.
To everyone that says "forget the video's spend time with her now".
Spend time with her now, obviously and make some memories. But later on in life, those video's will become important. She may be too young to appreciate them now, or even in a few years, but as time goes on and her memories fade, they will take on a new importance. What you looked like, how you sounded. Being able to show those to her husband or kids will mean a lot.
When it comes to topics, don't focus on trying to impart "life lessons." Tell her about your life. The good, the bad and the ugly. The time you lost your job. The first/last fight you got into as a child. A fun birthday. The weirdest job you ever had. The girl you had a crush on that never knew you existed. Your first girlfriend. Your first breakup. Things that will help her know you. Those will impart the life lessons.
And the one piece of advice I wish I had listened to, "If you go to college, don't skip class."
I would want my daughter to know the following:
1) I work am a child psychologist and interview parents all the time. When I ask what they want for their child, I am always happy to hear something along the lines of happy and independent when they reach adulthood. Make sure she knows that you goals for her are generalized to her happiness and independence, not specific things such as attend Notre Dame and become an accomplished engineer.
2) Know that she is loved for who she is. (especially by you and her mom) Know that other people do judge you and it can be harsh, but one of the awesome things in life, is that as you get older and are better able to choose the people with whom you interact, the fear of this judgment decreases. The "It gets better campaign" for LGBT youth is a founded on this concept, but I think it applies to all teens.
3) Girls are unfairly subject to society-specific, irrational concepts like having to look a certain way or behave in more rigid patterns. She does not have to follow those patterns unless she wants to.
4) Guys, especially in high school and college, heck many adults, can be driven by hormonally-driven motives. Watch out for hormones combined with lousy environmental circumstances like alcohol, drugs, dark alleys. Guys in high school and college also have immature pre-frontal cortices, resulting in increased impulsiveness. Make sure she has a solid set of friends that help watch out for one another.
5) The world is a fascinating place, go see it with an open mind and find new ideas that make your part of the world better.
6) The meaning of life is elusive, but to some degree we get to define our own. I have chosen that I want to make the world easier and better for other people as my meaning. I am doing so and therefore everything else is usually pretty cool. Make sure she knows to seek meaning in things that she can have control over. Psychologists refer to this as increasing your perception of self-efficacy, which usually correlates with increased optimism and happiness. This will be particularly hard in the face of the uncontrollable circumstances that led to why you are recording these things for her.
7) Record some of the goofy, stupid crap that you loved about your life, and some of the stuff you wish you would have avoided. New details from your life will help her feel close to you even after you are gone.
8) Make sure she knows that she can grieve and that it sucks and it is not fair, and that you feel the same way. Make sure she also knows that if she has a hard time grieving, that it is totally cool with you if she seeks help to figure out all the complex feelings.
9) Let her know that it is okay for her to be happy again. So many people grieving for loved ones feel bad when they feel happy, or feel like they "forgot to be sad". As though they are not doing due diligence to continue being sad over the loss. Making sure she has active access to enjoyable activities and social support. She might feel like she is "forgetting you," but reassure her that you know better. All you would want is for to be able to really enjoy the life she has. Having room in her head for all of the great times your family shared is part of that, but so is her capacity for building new great memories and experiences, and that is not a betrayal to you.
10) I would leave some pictures of prized possessions and experiences, with an explanation of why they are prized. Again, this will let her continue to get to know you.
11) Writing about complex ideas helps us understand and let go of negative feelings associated with things such as death or trauma. I would encourage her to keep a journal, and if comfortable doing so, share it with her mother to help figure these things out. It is a lot easier to recognize incomplete or irrational thoughts when we write them out.
Sincerest wishes for the least painful end possible
Take her out of school, go on the road and educate her about life.
Interesting idea, and maybe a good one. I'd ask her how she felt about that first, though. She's probably having a hard enough time dealing with this as it is, and school might be a needed break for her to focus on something else for a while.
How I have no mod points to boost this is a mystery to me, but I hope OP sees this.
My dad died suddenly in an accident when I was just 22, right out of college. I had always anticipated growing up and having a beer with him from time to time, asking exactly the kinds of questions CodePwned listed, and more like this: "What did you see in Mom when you first met?" "What did you learn from your first real job? Your second? Looking back, what would you have done differently?" "What was your first car? But what car did you really want then?"
In other words, these are the questions that kid Wernst would never have thought about asking, or even cared to know, but 44-year old Wernst would give just about anything to know.
Your daughter might not appreciate "adult" thoughts or musings now, or even for a decade or two, but I suspect you'll be thoughtful in how you record and save these videos so that she can watch and re-watch what you record for the rest of her life. So don't forget to to speak to her for those young and special times in her life, but also for that idle Tuesday when she's in her 40's or 50's and is wondering what kind of man her father really was.
In short, I'm not sure how much I'd value a "personal message from the grave" vs. stories that show me what my dad was like.
And make some for your wife while you're at it She knows who you are better than anyone, but she'll want to remember you too. Best of luck to you.
(Who left all these damn onions around here?!)
"I love you"
and
"I'm proud of you."
Let her hear those seven words, and I guarantee it will always bring a smile to her face.
My aunt did this. Right after a divorce, she got breast cancer that spread to the lymph nodes, and game over. She had 3 small kids, and left them a video, which I was allowed to see as well.
I found it really sad. I'm sure she thought she was doing the responsible thing as a loving parent, and didn't have any idea anything else was seeping through. However, she clearly was still angry about the situation, and blamed her ex for the cancer. In the video.
However true or unfair that is, this was the decidedly not the person she was. She was a stunning woman, on the inside and out. She was the smartest person in a family full of postgrad professionals, and attractive enough to spend some time dealing cards in Vegas, and do stints on game shows in Hollywood. She did some really amazing things, and spent her life as the rockstar of our family. I can't express how sad it is to me that the last thing she left her kids with was none of that. It is just now how she deserved to be remembered.
I remember she specifically instructed her daughter about graduating from college (part of the inheritance was even tied to that) and choosing a partner better than she did. He daughter ended up dropping out of college to marry an older man, and has since divorced and remarried. I guess the moral here is that no matter what you do, your kids are going to grow up and make their own mistakes.
Please, please if you want to do this, watch it yourself and pay attention to what you are saying.
Steve Jobs was mentioned by the OP. His cancer only progressed to the incurable stage because he wasted years trying alternative therapies like you are suggesting rather than the proven effective strategies that could have halted his rare treatable form of pancreatic cancer. The OP who is doing the right thing by accepting reality and using what time he has left to benefit his loved ones. I say this for the benefit of those in the earlier stages who still have a chance: believing in unaccepted alternative treatments is dangerously attractive to the highly educated innovative types. Innovation requires us to question authority and pursue the neglected alternatives. But innovation also means failing 20 times before you succeed. You don't have 20 failures to make with your health. You get one chance to treat a terminal disease. Two or three if you're really lucky. Don't put off conventional therapies with known success rates so you can try that one weird trick.
I sometimes ask revealing, often ignorant-seeming questions. Maybe they're harder to answer than you think.
She will want to see you holding her, touching her and being with her. She will want to remember how she felt to have you physically in her life. When she is missing or is going through a rough time she will want to see the two of you together. Record many long moments with a camera on a tripod talking to her about the things in her life. If possible record moments outside with the two of you just being a family. She will treasure these recorded moments later in life probably more than any advice you can give her because in the end she will only want you to be in her life. The videos of the two of your together are a way for her to see you and be with you in her own way. She will never forget you because you are her Dad and she loves you more than anything in life. I have two young daughters and would do the same for them.
Please help me make sure that OP sees this - maybe Mods can help?
I am friends with the founder of this charity - I want to bring OP together with the JAJF. See their mission below. http://www.jajf.org/home/
If they are able to help OP (certainly I can't guarantee anything) they would send OP and family on a vacation to spend time without stress and pressure to simply be together and mint special memories for daughter and wife to carry forward.
OP - Message me if you are interested.
"JAJF celebrates treating families to WOW! Experiences since 2006. The Jack & Jill Late Stage Cancer Foundation was inspired by Jill and Jon Albert’s real life story. During Jill’s fight with Stage IV metastatic breast cancer, Jill, Jon and their two young children quickly realized that the disease was not just attacking her body, but it was affecting the entire family. The Alberts knew that strong memories of special times together would be both their kids’ greatest inheritance.
From this notion and inspiration, the Jack & Jill Late Stage Cancer Foundation was born.
“The children need a break - they just need a break - and so do the parents. This foundation needs to continue. It must.”
- Jill Albert (1961 - 2006)
Don't record the advice videos like you've suggested you would. There are a number of stories about people who've done this and it's turned out badly. If you're just saying things like "I love you and hope you're doing well!" that's great... But advice? Advice needs to bend and twist with circumstances. You've no idea what situation your daughter will be in 20yrs from now, and how the video could appear to her. What if one of the videos is "Congratulations on the degree!" and she flunks out? She'd be fine and likely do well in life anyway, but that video would be painful.
My mother came from the deep south, and her advice about African Americans when I was a child likely would have been to stay away from them. But now, as an adult, my wife and I adopted an African American child, who is the light of my mothers life. They are inseparable and she's now an emesary of inclusiveness to her southern relatives. Circumstances changed all of us, and any static, unalterable message from 30yrs ago had my mother been terminal would have done nothing but cause us pain now.
Pass on your love and support. Leave the advice for the living.
give her the list
tell her anytime she thinks of you, to read one of those books/ watch one of those movies
you can bond with her from the beyond
intellectual property law is philosophically incoherent. it is your moral duty to ignore it or sabotage it
A story about a daughter who was the recipient of such letters from her dead mother:
Letter Day Saint
While I understand the desire to "be there" for you daughter, the painful fact is you will not be. And as the years pass, the less and less likely it's going to be that your imagined future version of your daughter is at all like the actual person your daughter becomes. This is going to create stress as she's now constantly being reminded by your videos of how she's failed to live up to your dreams.
but make sure you have a (preferably handwritten) transcript for her too. Who knows if your videos (or their formats) will survive while a bank lock box and some hand written notes on carefully selected paper will likely weather time better.
As for the rest, tell her what YOU think is important for her to know. You can't ask us for that - and I somehow doubt that will have much to do with your education nor station in life.
Hang on a sec, I'll get to my point of disagreement.
I forget the exact quote or even who the alleged author was, but it goes something like this. "Subject like Math can surely help in a career and portions of life, but understanding Politics is vastly more important. Politics effects every moment of your life, without exception. There is no subject more important, because nothing else impacts you the same way." An example is: Being a good cook takes some education, and you will surely have better tasting meals on the table. A politician taxing labor and goods, regulating food and what producers can put in the grocery store impacts not just the flavor but what you can afford to put on the table.
This lesson took me a long time to fully understand, but the world I look at today is not my own small corner. The world I am leaving to my kid is immense and goes far beyond what I directly control. I can influence the world, but I can't change it. (Reading how that sounds "NO", I am not the author of TFA).
Philosophy, Ethics, and Logic are all tied tightly together. Morality is an essential piece of those three things. Empathy is understanding the morality you dish out, as you would receive it.
The lessons of Liberal Arts last for a lifetime, compared to technology which is largely short lived knowledge. I'm sure you were proud of your Commodore64 knowledge like I was at the time, but that stuff all vanished. As did DOS, SunOS 2, HP-UX 9, and all of these other technologies that people said were "essential" to know. The latest application is not important when a large portion of the population can't afford it.
Encourage the geekiness, but make sure they understand the fundamentals that carry them through life. That means living your life knowing that you leave a legacy behind, and ensuring you know how you wish to be remembered in history. Even if that history is small family stuff it matters.
-The wise argue that there are few absolutes, the fool argues that there are no probabilities.
This is an amazing list. I only have one thing to add (along the lines of your #10):
12) Tell her about yourself. Your daughter is old enough to remember you, but she isn't old enough to have really gotten to know you. That is something she is bound to be very curious about. She will get information from your wife, your family and friends that are still around, but hearing things directly from you could also be helpful. Tell her about important moments in your life. What were your goals dreams when in high school / college / your 20's. I enjoy talking to my mother and father about their lives, and now that I am in my 30's with my own daughter I have a different perspective.
-- All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. -- Edmund Burke
As (I hope) others may have said, make sure you also make some videos for your wife. Help her to be the best Mom she can be. Help her to know what qualities you loved about her. Help build her up, so that she can be there for your daughter when you cannot. Birthdays and anniversaries will likely be the hardest, planned some timed messages for then. I don't know about your religious views, but I believe strongly that the bonds of marriage can last beyond death.
When you have to leave a job or project that you love, you give your all to make sure that it will continue well after you leave. A family is the greatest project any of us will be a part of, and with you passing away your wife will be the sole top administrator. Give her tools for that bad times, when she'll not feel up to the task. Encourage her, let her know that she is wonderful and completely capable. Let her know your approval, gratitude, and love for her.
After my siblings and I lost our mom prematurely, the thing that we have struggled with the most is missing all the stories she had in her head... about our early years, of course, but also about different stages of things in our lives - sequences of events, or tales of lesser-known relatives. Happy memories of us that she had & liked to recall... Silly stores that made *her* laugh... that warmed *her* heart... We will never be able to get those now that she's passed over. We've been able to reconstruct some details between us, but HER stories - anything she never wrote down - are gone forever now.
I humbly suggest to not be a "Dad" and "tell" her stuff, but instead share the stuff that makes you happy & joyful to have known her & cared for her while you did.
And,.. you have my condolences, you are in a difficult situation. All the best to you and yours..