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Ask Slashdot: Terminally Ill - What Wisdom Should I Pass On To My Geek Daughter?
An anonymous reader writes: I am a scientist and educator who has been enjoying and learning from Slashdot since the late 90s. Now I come to you, my geek brothers and sisters, for help. I've been diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer, which you will remember is what took Steve Jobs and Randy Pausch from us. My condition is incurable. Palliative chemotherapy may delay the inevitable, but a realistic assessment suggests that I have anywhere from two to six months of "quality" time left, and likely not more than a year in total.
I am slowly coming to terms with my imminent death, but what bothers me most is that I will be leaving my wife alone, and that my daughter will have to grow up without her father. She is in sixth grade, has an inquisitive and sharp mind, and is interested in science and music. She seems well on the path to becoming a "girl geek" like her mother, an outcome I'd welcome.
Since I will not be around for all of the big events in her life, I am going to create a set of video messages for her that she can watch at those important times or just when she's having a bad day. I would like to do this before my condition progresses to the point that I am visibly ill, so time is short.
In the videos I will make clear how much I treasure the time we've spent together and the wonderful qualities I see in her. What other suggestions do you have? What did you need to hear at the different stages of your life? What wisdom would have been most helpful to you? At what times did you especially need the advice of a parent? And especially for my geek sisters, how can I help her navigate the unique issues faced by girls and women in today's world?
Please note that I'm posting anonymously because I don't want this to be about me. I'd prefer that the focus be on my daughter and how I can best help her. Thank you so much for your help.
I am slowly coming to terms with my imminent death, but what bothers me most is that I will be leaving my wife alone, and that my daughter will have to grow up without her father. She is in sixth grade, has an inquisitive and sharp mind, and is interested in science and music. She seems well on the path to becoming a "girl geek" like her mother, an outcome I'd welcome.
Since I will not be around for all of the big events in her life, I am going to create a set of video messages for her that she can watch at those important times or just when she's having a bad day. I would like to do this before my condition progresses to the point that I am visibly ill, so time is short.
In the videos I will make clear how much I treasure the time we've spent together and the wonderful qualities I see in her. What other suggestions do you have? What did you need to hear at the different stages of your life? What wisdom would have been most helpful to you? At what times did you especially need the advice of a parent? And especially for my geek sisters, how can I help her navigate the unique issues faced by girls and women in today's world?
Please note that I'm posting anonymously because I don't want this to be about me. I'd prefer that the focus be on my daughter and how I can best help her. Thank you so much for your help.
As important as it might be to encourage her geek talents, instilling and encouraging humanitarian values is far more important.
Make sure she knows she is loved. If you are religious, ask your wife to keep making it a priority to encourage those values in your daughter.
Make sure she knows that human beings have value and should be respected and treated well, just as you and your wife have treated her well.
Encourage her to use her talents and interests to make the world a better place.
Knowledge is how to play a game, intelligence is how to win, wisdom is knowing what game to play.
Is probably the best advice you could give her.
I would make several videos on the each subject with decision trees. You stated your wife is technology minded. She should be able to craft them into an interactive video format. e.g. the old books with a "Yes, turn to page x or No, turn to page y". Love them both much as possible while you can.
Life is hard, then it sucks.
I've read slashdot for many years and this is the only thing on it that's made me cry, not that I have anything insightful to say.
Give her some book ideas. Books that my father (and mother) suggested to me growing up, even if I didn't read them until years later, were much more worthwhile, especially the ones they said had an impact on them, or remembered particularly. Books create a deep connection that will last beyond any one person's lifetime.
I'm so sorry for you and your family. This is a wonderfully sweet idea, your daughter is incredibly lucky.
I live in constant fear of the Coming of the Red Spiders.
Remind her to make frequent, automated backups of her data and to periodically check those backups manually.
Nothing interesting to say...MUST...NOT...REPLY...ohtheheckwithit.
That's the biggest most important thing I could say to my son in this situation.
Believe in yourself. At the point that things are darkest, have the faith and confidence to know that you'll survive it and most likely come out better in the long run.
Take those challenges. Fight your way to those goals, no matter how lofty because you CAN.
Also, when people try to sap your ambition or imagination, curb check them immediately. There is NO room in your life for doubters and wet blankets.
Most of all, love yourself and those around you as deeply and as often as you can. There will be a last time you see every person in your life. Treat each encounter with them like it is.
I'd tell her that her teenage years might be rough. I'd tell her not to worry about them and that life gets better in college, where you're surrounded by people that WANT to be there.
I'd tell her that she's going to feel a lot of pressure from the people around her to be "normal", and that's hogwash. She'll be told to look a certain way, act a certain way, and that there's a LOT of pressure to not be happy so she'll buy makeup or clothes so she can BE happy, but that that is BS and doesn't work.
I'd tell her that most of the people in the world don't know what they're doing with their lives. They're going through the motions and hoping no one else notices that they're lost. The people that make choices about what they want to do with their lives are the ones that are really happy, because their life has meaning. Tell her to do whatever she wants with her life, and you'll be happy if she's happy and lives her life well.
Tell her dating is a skill, and like any skill you learn it by fucking up a few times... Her first love won't be her last. There will be awkwardness and some small amount of stupidity, but you learn from that and you get better at it and eventually you figure out who you are, who you want to be, and then you find someone that you want to share your life with.
Tell her that another person can't complete her, ever. That's her job. She can't complete someone else. That's their job.
Other than that, I'd just spill your guts on random life lessons you've learned. :D Every word will be a treasure to her, so don't skimp on the trivial stuff!
Wrote me several letters when I was too young to read or understand them about things he wanted to let me know about in later life. He was not sick at the time and had no idea his life would be cut short by Multiple Sclerosis several years afterward. On his death, going through his files, I discovered the letters and they were very touching and helpful to me especially getting through the crisis of his passing. It let me know that as I was growing up and he was taken away by work and other responsibilities that he was still thinking of me even though at the time he seemed to be otherwise occupied. It also helped me to realize he was a person, a human being and not just "Dad", and helped me to understand and overlook some of his flaws. They did me a lot of good, whether or not he realized it at the time. I highly recommend doing this while you can. Your daughter will thank you and know you better as a person as a result, and not just have to rely on memories, photos and stories related by friends, etc. after you are gone.
I hope that helps a bit, a view from the other side...
-- You are in a maze of little, twisty passages, all different... --
It's okay to say "I don't know" in almost every situation if you really don't know the answer, especially following it up with "I'll find out and let you know".
Obviously this won't work well on tests and the like, but in everyday life nobody has all the answers.
Ask her school if you can give a Last Lecture to them and, if you choose to put it online, to 6th-grade students everywhere.
Knowledge is how to play a game, intelligence is how to win, wisdom is knowing what game to play.
This seems like a very personal thing to do.
Are you sure it is a good idea to ask slashdot for ideas? It seems to me like it would be better if every idea or thought came from you.
If your daughter wants the advice of slashdot there is nothing but the toxicity of the people here (And possibly technical issues with beta.) that prevents her from seeking that advice herself.
Depending on how she is as a person, this may or may not be something to consider...
Set up a mailserver for her and your wife. You may very well have your own domain and mail already. But just ask some friends to help to ensure this will last a long time.
Then I'd suggest a series of short messages as well that could go on a very long time. Video, yes, by all means. But even some emails. Start writing down stuff now as it comes to you. The first time you remember getting in trouble. The first time you had chocolate. Or the first time you had a drink of alcohol. Anything. Everything that sticks out to you as a story. Don't preach. Don't try to impart anything. Just be you in your own voice. Talk to her like you would anyone you love. She'll find wisdom and encouragement in those things. We are only the stories we tell. Facts can be found anywhere. Information is handed out freely. But it's the connections we share with the people we love that give meaning to all of it. Give her the chance to have your stories unfold like they naturally would. Who knows what she'll be doing at 30 when that email finds her. Personally I'd laugh, cry, and be happy to have another tale from my father.
Why not spend that actual time with her now?
If nothing else, she needs to be taught that she is self-possessed. That this is her life, her body, her decisions. That what other people may want of her can be considered, even negotiated around, but that in the end it is what she wants that should count the most.
She is going to be pulled in many directions, face many things that you and your wife have already passed through and have only the fleetest memories of. To navigate those and other unforeseeable difficulties the best thing that can be bequeathed her is an unshakable sense of self. It will help her through doubts and tribulations. It will be assailed by everything and everyone around her, tempting her to be things she is not. Which is why it is so very important that she has it, holds on it, and knows when to reinvent it.
Hi, A friend of mine was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, Stage 4, and he spent the next 6 months lecturing his sons (grades 5 and 8) and getting them to promise to be good. I hated to watch him do it because it put a tremendous extra burden on them. One year later, I would have to say the sons are not being "good." The burden of living up to Dad's expectations was overwhelming, I think. I lost my father the summer after 6th grade. I remember him telling me I could do anything I wanted, after he listened to me sing, "I am Woman, hear me Roar," probably slightly off key, and telling him I wanted to be a rock star. You won't be there in person in the future, but you are there now. Love her every day as if there is no tomorrow, thinking about today's concerns. Respond to her questions today. She's not ready for the future now, but trust that you've given her enough by who you are and she will be when she gets there.
Of course, you can always read the Last Lecture, and do what that tells you to do.
-A geeky scientist Mom
Might as well face it I'm addicted to data.
You can do a lot in two months, even more in six.
Take a vacation. See things you both have wanted to see.
Impart your wisdom in person while admiring the view at Yellowstone, Yosemite, from the deck of the Empire State Building, or the Eiffel Tower.
One second with her in person = years of films.
When Fascism comes to America, it will call itself Anti-Fascism, and tell you to give up your guns.
You might consider video taping your reaction/commentary as if you were there for possible moments in moments to major events that happen to most of us. Wedding, New Job, Graduation from High School, Graduation from College, Birth of a child, etc. Then you would have someone queued up to provide these videos at a proper moment in time. That would certainly keep you connect in your daughter's life. Maybe even a video from you to your grandkids talking about how you were as a child. Your likes, dislikes and even funny habits you might have had. I am so very glad you have shared this time of your life with us. Thank you very much.
I'm terribly sorry about your situation and you have my sympathies. I won't pretend to know what you're going through, but I remember listening to this episode of This American Life about giving advice each year for 13 years (Act 1). I think you can get some ideas about the methodology. But whatever you do, best of luck.
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/401/parent-trap
Start writing now. Write it all, from your earliest memory up to today. Print it out. Leave
behind an actual physical artifact. It floors me that people who crossed the country
in covered wagons 150 years ago have left behind more accessible information about
their lives that we, with our (to them) unimaginable information processing resources.
6th grade is, what, 12. How about birthday presents for 12 or 15 more years?
Or birthday videos for each year. There are things you might say to an 18 year
old that you might not want to say to a 14 year old.
Best wishes.
Father of a 24 year old geek girl.
It's easy to forget this simple concept and waste your time with pointless stress and self-doubt.
I also have pancreatic cancer. When I was diagnosed, I thought of doing videos for my kids, but decided that it would be far too Hari Seldon, and I didn't have anything really useful to say.
Death is frightening, and one of the worst parts is the lack of ability to affect the future. In my opinion, the important thing is for her to have good memories of you. Tapes won't help with that. Videos of you two at the tech museum, or at the makers faire would be far more useful.
However, if you have something to say to her that is not age appropriate, a recording might be one way to do it. Otherwise, talk to her NOW.
Good luck.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company -- Mark Twain
"She is in sixth grade, has an inquisitive and sharp mind, and is interested in science and music."
The patterns set down in those years will serve her well. Tell her that adulthood seems a mile away, but it will be there in the blink of an eye. Don't be too quick to grow up, because you'll have plenty of days when you wish you were a kid again. What others think doesn't matter much in the long run. And tell her you're proud. No one will ever give a girl (about to enter a difficult age) as much confidence as her Daddy can.
Video's are nice if you can't spend the time w/ her now. But don't spend too much time/effort on them, spend the time with her AND your wife. Memories are so much more important than a video. My condolences to you and your family. I've lost two immediate family members to liver cancer and have a significant increased risk to having it myself. This is a matter I've spent more time than most contemplating.
Teach her not to be afraid.
Don't be afraid to try new things. Try all the things.
Don't be afraid to go against the popular ideas. Do what you think is best..
Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Ask for it!
Don't be afraid to do what you want. Do it!
Don't be afraid to travel. Go!
Women and girls especially need to stop believing they are weak and helpless. They need to learn their strengths and learn to reduce their weaknesses. Nobody is respected for their fears. Learn to not be afraid and you will get respect.
The greatest value your recordings will have is as a father. Inspire curiosity but beyond that conveying your love for her will do more good than geek tip-bits. She'll find her own way. A strong young woman will be equipped to deal with any barriers she'll face. Best wishes to you, and I hope the next few months are as good for your family as is possible.
Andrew.
ps On a (deliberately) lighter note - not sure how old she is but any recording for her graduation could suggest that "this is the year on Linux on the desktop".
I recently started writing "book of thoughts" for my own daughter, and was struggling to think of what to put in it. I then thought of the conversations I'd have with my own father over the years, the things I'd learned from him, and the things I'd wanted to ask him but had never come up. Over time, I realized that in spite of what each generation wants to think, their problems are not necessarily new, but are the same sorts of things with different window dressing...and that the same conversations I've had with my own daughter have really echoed the ones I had with my father. Be curious about new ideas, don't live beyond your means, double check anything you're told, be honest because once you get a reputation for not telling the truth, it's impossible to get rid of it, and so on. I'd also assemble a "reading list" of books that have been influential or important in your own life, and given that you're foresighted enough to be doing a project like that, I'm sure there have been a few. Maybe even put some in a time capsule for her, when she's at the right age to read and understand them. And, if you have them still laying around somewhere, I would include notes from college, and personal papers. After my other father passed away, reading things like that he had left gave me some insight into his life at different times.
I agree that you should spend time with her now, tell her in person what you think you want to tell her later. I read comments made by a woman who had received letters from her deceased mother for those "important events", and grew to dread reading them because they couldn't take into account the changes in the daughters life and became increasingly disconnected. Don't think you can predict the future, but give her your guidelines now.
Pics, er, I mean, peer-reviewed study with independent confirmation of results or it didn't happen.
Knowledge is how to play a game, intelligence is how to win, wisdom is knowing what game to play.
Tell her you love her. Tell her that there is a hope for her to see you again. Tell her that no matter what, nothing was her fault. Kids blame themselves for bad things because they don't understand how things work- so the only explanation in their mind is that it is *their* fault.
Whether you are religious or not, talking about death with her NOW is important. This can help:
http://www.jw.org/en/publicati...
If you don't go to that link, then adapt these practical points from it:
IMPORTANT POINTS TO CONVEY
If a loved one has died, you can help your child overcome inordinate fears about death by making sure he understands the following:
She is not going to die. (this is geared toward very young ones who may fear death is contagious)
If something happens to you, she will not be abandoned; relatives will look after her.
Once dead, a person is no longer suffering.
The deceased person will not be forgotten. You might say, “You cannot see Grandma anymore, but you can keep memories of her in your heart.”
Remember, saying nothing to your child will not reduce his anxiety. On the contrary, it may only serve to give his imagination free rein.
Please put geekdom aside. She will always remember how awesome of a geek you were, but she'll especially appreciate that you were an amazing father *first* and that you loved her.
Nobodies Prefect
Tidbits for Techs Technology Blog
Teach her to embrace her passion. Even if it's not what she does to pay her bills, if there's something she loves, she should pursue that passion proudly and enthusiastically. Encourage her to seize on the opportunity of youth to find that thing. Teach her to seek out the companionship and admiration of others who share her passion and, in turn, to base her admiration of others on things that matter. Encourage her not to shy away from her passion just because any ol' person voices disapproval. Encourage her to find a calling where her passion intersects with others' needs and, again, whether or not that's what she does to pay her bills, to employ her passion to serve that need.
Virtue finds and chooses the mean.
Aristotle, Ethica Nichomachea
There are certain things I wish I knew decades earlier. Some of them are things you can only learn by the school of hard knocks. Other things can be picked up in books.
Give her a list of books that she should read at certain ages. Not just fiction/science fiction, but books that made you think about the real world and how to live in it.
I know that I want my kids to read "The Boglehead Guide to Investing" by the time they take home their first paycheck. Being able to invest in the future is something that can start at a young age.
Help! I'm a slashdot refugee.
So sweet and cool of you to do that! She and your wife will treasure these messages along with the memory of you forever.
As for what I needed to hear when I was growing up (I am a 27 year old lady-person btw). I think most of these apply to every age and stage in life: .. That's also ok.
-You can always say no. You can decide midway whatever you are doing, that you want it to stop, and your no is still valid.
-Like what you like. You like Star Wars? Star Trek? BOTH? Like it ! Like Gossip girl?
-Your worth as a person is not defined by how many people you sleep with (ehh this is applicable from 16 and up i guess hahah), or by the fact that you dont. Your sexual life is no ones bussines except your own.
-Dont be afraid to ask ANYTHING about EVERYTHING. Knowledgeeeeeeeee 3
-You dont have to experience everything for yourself. Sometimes the advice your parent gives you, is actually so that you dont have to go through some shit. They have experienced shit for you.
-Read more (but dad, i read alot) read even more. its good for you.
-Its okay not to be a super social butterfly. If you are, thats also okay.
-Be true to yourself. ------- I think this is the one I needed to hear the most. I still do.
Anywho, super long message. But i hope i helped you out a bit. Have no idea what to say other than good luck with the video's, and sending you and your family lots of positive thoughts and high fives and hugs.
X natasha
.... give her a hug every single day.
I was thinking of the same thing before I deployed to Iraq in 2007-08. I have two daughters - now 20 and 17, but much younger then, obviously. I had all kinds of ideas about what I could tell them or how I could communicate with them beyond the grave, as I took the possibility of not coming back very seriously at the time. Ultimately, I decided to do nothing. My reasons revolved around others' experiences - my brother died, for instance, at a similar time frame in his daughters' life. They demonstrated next to zero interest in what he was like, even though I had quite a bit of information about him, some audio tapes and the like. I offered to let them listen to it/see what I had/talk to them about it, and they had little interest. I didn't (and don't) imagine my kids would be any different. In the end, who cares who I was. I was their father when I was alive. Now that i'm not, i'm just some cold stone or an urn or something, a few pictures and not much else. Expecting my words to have much significance to them was not realistic.
HBI's Law: Frequency of calling others Nazis is directly correlated with the likelihood of the accuser being Communist.
Episode 401: The Parent Trap http://www.thisamericanlife.or... Also, keep in mind that we could learn from you that you could learn from most of us. Peace - SingleEntendre
Life is too short and the world way too beautiful to spend your limited time here looking at you smartphone or sitting behind your computer, posting obvious comments on SlashDot. And don't you guys dare rating this at funny, because it's actually sad.
Assure her that all of those nagging feelings that she's somehow wierd, not doing something right, has big feet, whatever, are part of EVERYONE's experience. The "cool" kids have a lot of the same hangups that she does. They just hide them better and/or don't let them stop them.
The girls on the magazines don't look like the girls on the magazines.
The people in middle school and high school will likely be long forgotten by the time she's an adult. Take the long view of dramas and friendship difficulties. Don't sweat the middle school problems. They seem huge now, but you'll forget them by 25.
The only thing Max Gerson had a method for was parting fools and their money.
I know the question is about video messages to your daughter , but there is also your wife who will miss you ....
I read somewhere that a guy arranged at a local flowershop to send flowers to his wife on valentines day for some years after his death.. ...Maybe you can arrange something like that for her... good luck !
What is best in life? To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of their women.
You are in a position to convey the message that life is short, and the best way to do it all the way is to make sure you enjoy every possible moment. Encourage her to find her passions, and ignore the f*ck out of anyone that stands in her way towards those goals.Obviously some things in life aren't awesome (book reports, taxes, blah), but as long as they are stepping stones to what she really wants to do they are OK.
I would encourage you to label some recordings as appropriate when she gets a little older, and include in those recordings your deepest regrets, your proudest moments, and how you learned to overcome obstacles that you found in your way.
I would avoid the temptation to spend time on these recordings that you would otherwise spend with her in person. Don't use the camera as a means to avoid spending time with her, because i *know* the temptation may creep in when you begin to feel ill, and you don't want her to remember you as sick.
Include lots of recordings of the two of you together, enjoying life. Take her hiking, go see every sweet father/daughter movie there is, go to dances, bungie jump together. These aren't specifically nerd things, but they are things that will make her really look up to you and your legacy, and she will see your footsteps as admirable, and she will come to realize the way you lived is fit for her too. Show her that nerds are awesome.
I wouldn't wish what you're going through on my worst enemy, and if there was something I could do to give you two one more year together I would give it a shot. I'm sorry for your spot, but I applaud your attitude and your desire to do this for her. You're a great dad.
F*ck Cancer.
Kindness is always admired. It takes a strong person to be kind.
Make good friends who will help lift you up.
You can do great things.
Do what you know is right, even when it's hard, you'll be happier with yourself afterward.
-- Thanks for the chance to reflect and contemplate. Best of wishes for you and your family.
Not to mention some career advice - get fired, get promoted, work -life balance.
Probably talk about other health issues that she might inherit, and at least mention some of the major mental ones - addiction (drugs, alcohol, and gambling).
Lastly, I would talk not just about advise, but about the things you value. Talk about your own personal views, what you believe in. Let her know who you are rather than just advisign her how she should live her life.
excitingthingstodo.blogspot.com
Wisdom comes from living and learning from those experiences. Whatever her path will be she will walk it herself and having the reinforcement of knowing how much Dad loved her and would be proud of anything she accomplishes will give her strength. Also, my condolences on your diagnosis...
Above all, take a profession that is what you love to do - no matter what income it produces (as long as you can get by). And stay focused - don't let time fritter away. Make a plan for your dream - a practical plan, for which you know all the steps, because all steps are simple and very doable - and stick to that plan no matter what.
Wow, you're a fucking asshole. This isn't a post to make jokes on.
Seriously, by leaving these videos and being what seems to be an excellent parent, you seem as if you need little more to add to what you already have.
As a girl geek myself, tell her not to take herself so seriously. Be sure to have fun and to keep family first and foremost. Remember that in 25 years time, no one will care if you made that important presentation to an executive or worked extra weekends to get that promotion. Work is fleeting. Family is forever. I have never once regretted going on a scouting camping trip with my son or asking my boss to leave a little early to catch my daughter's tennis match. Seek out people who understand this. Don't waste time with people who don't.
As a fellow geek I took to bookbinding in the late 90s to balance out the high tech I was involved in. I'd recommend you get a custom blank book made for your daughter. A few of your words written down in the book will be a source of comfort and joy that will last a lifetime. Years later people come to me and tell me that they are keeping track of things, using it in some way that makes me feel lucky to be a part of their lives. Your daughter will write things and draw things in this book and it will be something from you that she will treasure. You can get it personalized it some meaningful way. For my nieces and nephews, I have found their favorite colour, animal, a favorite shirt, and made it from that. In my own journals I will draw an outline of the hand, and you could do that your in the book to her. In our high tech world, something physical like a book is a good thing. Best wishes.
Everyone is wrong. Einstein was wrong thousands of times, you just don't hear about them now, as only the right stuff got attention. Don't focus on doing, focus on trying and learning from it. Just because an "adult" (or other authority figure) says something is true, doesn't mean it is. Challenge. Think for yourself. Your first test: Am I right?
Learn to love Alaska
Tell her how good slashdot used to be, before beta, before dice, before va linux, before the pt cruiser, before andover.net.
On second thought, fuck that. Take your money and go to Amsterdam. Party it up with all the hookers and drugs while you still can. And pay extra for bareback. It's not like AIDS will kill you!
Copyright (c) 1990 - 2014 Dice. All rights reserved. Use of this comment is subject to certain Terms and Conditions.
I'd like to quote Harry Chapin retelling a story of his grandfather.
I wished I had learnt this lesson a lot earlier in life.
"There's two kinds of tired. There's 'good tired' and there's 'bad tired'.
Ironically now, 'bad tired' can be a day that you won, but you won other peoples' battles, you lived other peoples' days, other peoples' agendas, other peoples' dreams and when it's all over there was very little you in there and when you hit the hay at night somehow you toss and turn, you don't settle easy.
'Good tired', ironically enough, can be a day that you lost, but you only have to tell yourself, cause you knew, you fought your battles, you chased your dreams, you lived your days and when you hit the hay at night you settle easy, you sleep the sleep of the just and you can say 'take me away'."
Do listen to the full story.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?...
This is a very difficult endeavor for you but I asked my mom to leave her granddaughter videos of herself talking about her, the things she likes to do, her views on life and anything she wanted to tell her.
The most important thing was that she did this early on because your energy goes away. The videos need to be done NOW. The letters and writings can be done right up until about a week before the end.
Tell her about your childhood
Tell her about your first love
Tell her about your first kiss
Tell her about what you thought when she came into this world
Tell her about when you found out your wife was pregnant
Tell her about everything you have any emotional connection to.
Tell her your hopes and dreams (not of her, but yours)
Tell her how much you love her and give her confidence.
Tell her how you want her to make an impact on the world for the better no matter how small
Tell her whatever is on your mind as you write.
The most important thing is to give her things to remember you from. A nice touch is to create a letter or video for each birthday, but keep in mind she won't be able to handle these until she's much older.
National Cancer Institute did a review of Gerson's claims. I'll save everyone a lot of time with the spoiler: Gerson was full of shit, don't waste your time. http://www.cancer.gov/cancerto...
So very sad to hear about your impending demise.
http://www.theplaidzebra.com/2...
This was a letter written by Hunter S Thompson when he was 22 years old.
He tackles the grandest question of all, the proverbial "meaning of life".
I normally dislike reading self-help literature of any kind, but this is not it. This is just a honest introspective letter, and a letter he writes to his friend who asks for advice. Although the friend's question was different from what you are asking, I thought that the real underlying question was the same. Hence I write. Quite likely, this is also the letter that I will ask my children to read. Or I will read it out to them.
All the very best on your onward journey.
To quote the Hagakure:
Among the maxims on Lord Naoshige's wall, there was this one: "Matters of great concern should be treated lightly."
Master Ittei commented, "Matters of small concern should be treated seriously."
Convert your videos to multiple media types so that it's more likely they'll survive for years to come. The more analog, the better. Focus on the audio part first. Video to Super8 or 16mm movie film (might be cost prohibitive) Audio track to mp3 (better yet, record simultaneously using a separate device) Audio track to cassette tape Audio track to vinyl record Printed photograph of you recording the videos Speech-to-text and print on paper. Do this if nothing else. Content advice: Family history Stories from your childhood and life to this point. Include mistakes and regrets. Stories about her from infancy to present Financial, legal, friendship, and relationship advice. Start with optimism but include tough truths about how the world really is, to be viewed or read in high school or college. Encouragement to be your own person. Reflect on the opinions of you, her mother, teachers, pastors, supervisors, etc., but in the end do what you feel is right.
...my condolences on your medical situation. And, my compliments to you for paying attention to the legacy you want to leave that would benefit your daughter. She has a fine father.
/. When you are but a memory, she will still be influenced by your love, care and devotion in the midst of your own crushing burden. The grand gesture--should you pursue it still--will pale in comparison to those memes you bury in her brain in these next few months.
As a recovering "shrink," my counsel to you is this: Don't worry about the legacy you can leave; you've already done that with your life, which gave and nurtured her life, and your evident attention to her growing-up years. Start with questions: What is SHE planning; what interests HER, what would help HER cope with the loss of her father. Probably the greatest gift you can give her is now: Your presence, your love, your time, especially since these are now all in limited supply.
My counsel: Don't worry about some grand legacy to leave, but do record these happy moments--tinged as they are with bittersweet facts.
Finally, your love for your daughter is palpable in your public plea here on
I am saddened by her impending loss.
She needs to love herself, first and foremost. If she cannot pull that off then all the other lessons in life are just going through the motions.
She will try to be a good person, push herself to be a great person, and beat herself up when she comes short. She needs to learn to accept who she is, see her strengths and flaws for what they really are, and *then* find her path.
She will need to be able to forgive herself when she fails, accept and learn from that failure, and try to better herself in the areas that she chooses to focus on.
She cannot let the rest of the world or society tell her what she needs to focus on - this is HUGE. The last thing this world needs more at this point is another sheep. She finds her own path, accepts her decisions, and does the best she can; and most importantly she needs to take the time to enjoy the trip! You only get to do this once, right?
For me life is about collecting stories, not toys, wealth or fame. I'd try to pass that value on to her as well, but I'm biased.
"The mind is a terrible thing to, um, uh, oh bollocks." -- Me
As someone who lost their father at around the same age, I've had ~30 years to reflect on what I think I've missed most. The biggest thing that I think I missed out on is knowing who he really was. At that age, you have a view of your parents similar to that of many children - you only really know them from your interactions with them from a child's point of view. As you grow up with your parents, that expands as you can understand more about them. Today, I would love to ask my father about his life and why he made some of the decisions he did (not that any of them were bad).
Some examples - as a child I had no idea of what career I'd go into. As a teenager, I would have loved to talk to my father about his college choices, why he chose the degrees he did, what it was like working for X or Y company, or even what was his favorite color.
Something else to keep in mind - Make sure that they know about your family and know how to get in touch. After my father died, I don't think I had any real contact with his side of the family for 25 years. Email addresses, family trees, backgrounds, details on brothers/sisters/cousins are all important to make sure they have.
Finally, make sure that you leave something personal. I know it might sound odd but the only item I still have with that personal connection to my father is a VHS tape with a hand-written label of a television show we would watch together. The tape isn't the important part to me - it's the label with his handwriting. It's one of the few things I have that prove he was here on this planet.
Focus on who you are, what you did, why you did it and let your daughter know how proud you already are of her. You can't guide her on each challenge she is going to face, but you can share your experiences, insights and personal history with her to help her shape her future.
(AP for the same reasons as the submitter, also the only time I've cried while on /. Thank you submitter - I think this post was better for me than therapy)
"Congratulations on getting an old h264 decoder to run on modern hardware. Now you know what computers were like in my day. I hope you enjoyed rewriting the Vorbis decoder based on the spec sheet I left you."
The best life lesson you can give a girl:
"Judge a person not on what they say, but what they do."
and
"You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him."
I plan in instilling that into my daughters as they grow up.
Advices are tricky, people are different.
My dad died as I was about to leave college and the best thing he left me with are his stories and not advices - all sorts of stories. He was a tech guy, I'm a tech guy but we're different. What 'the kid' wants are stories, stuff that will give you the feeling like you were sitting together to have a coffee/beer and sharing stories. Way better than telling your daughter *what to do*, tell her *what you did*.
Tell her how you got your job, what was the hardest thing for you before college, during.. how was the first time you got wasted. How did you get the first job.. about that time you changed jobs.. or got promoted or got laid off.. Tell her about how you felt when you were getting married, when she was born.. Tell her a story about how/when your heart was broken.. (I'm going a bit random here but you get the idea)
Tell her of dreams you had but that you never accomplished. Tell her your opinions about a bunch of things that might or might not apply to her in the future; moving countries, sports vs. work, being homosexual.. dunno.. think about a bunch of stuff..
Oh, and tell her a bunch of your favorite books/albums/films and why they are so.
If you give plaintext advice she'll just argue something back to the video and you won't be there to counter-argue so it's a bit of a dead conversation. Tell your stories and she'll take them in as they are.
This is nothing but a blatant infringement of my Candy Making in a Van innovation!
Find a way to do the work that you love most, not necessarily the work that pays you most. If you're good, and the work's important, the money will follow.
A close second would be: treasure your time. You can buy almost anything else, but not a second more.
Another close second: Love yourself first. That's the way to healthy relationships with others. (That's not to say "be a selfish narcissist", but instead to understand that you have to be whole and strong if you're not to fall into relationships where you're not an equal partner).
A third: Invest while you're young. (See the one about not being able to buy the time back above).
I know how hard it was to lose my father when I was a fairly young adult - so I can only imagine how you and your family are feeling right now. You are in my prayers.
If I think about things I'd want to say to my (now young adult) daughter, if I had been in your shoes at the point in time you're currently at...
I have no geek advice, but - tell her you love her. Tell her you're proud of her, no matter what she chooses to do with her life. Tell her to take her time with boys - they'll still be there when she's ready. And tell her to tell her mother she loves her and that you love her.
Tell her about funny stories, and the interesting things you've seen. Tell her about your friends growing up, and the mischief you got into. Tell her about your favorite music, so she has something to roll her eyes at.
And take care.
#DeleteChrome
Try https://www.cereproc.com/en/products/cerevoiceme
This way even if you cannot keep making videos, you can still create messages and she can hear them in your voice.
Later - if she wants she can read your emails in 'your voice', anything you wrote that is kept (facebook/twitter - even this post).
Take care
FWIW, Steve Jobs had a Pancreatic Neuroendocrine Tumor (often called a PNET or islet cell cancer). What most people think of when they hear pacreatic cancer is an extremely agressive, fast growing cancer that has single digit survival percentages at 12 months. Steve Jobs' cancer was a neuroendocrine tumor which can have survival times much greater than typical pancreatic cancer. I know this because I have a carcinoid cancer which is a neuroendocrine tumor and have been fighting this for years (14 this October).
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Take a look at the audiobook for Moonwalking with Einstein. It's uh. There's a line about Bill Clinton copulating with a basketball; that may be a little out of bounds. By necessity, the author makes some touchy references to things.
It's an amusing book, but also a valuable summary of a huge body of knowledge that boils down to one important fact: the human mind, with all its variation, has fixed capabilities. Every person can, through application of effort, develop an incredible memory, mental mathematics skills, great expertise with musical instruments, a solid understanding of engineering, and so forth; in short, every human being is a ready-made genius. The mind is a tool which itself requires skill to use.
Old and new memory techniques, mental math strategies, and study techniques allow us to maximize the use of our mind. Textbook study profits greatly from the SQ3R study method (all modern methods are effectively SQ3R with different names); mnemonics enhance any formal and informal study; anyone who learns mental math through soroban and anzan methods will quickly become a human calculator. Ericsson's research into expertise tells us that a person learns rapidly when they analyze their difficulties and flaws as matters of inappropriate technique, focus on improving those weaknesses, and practice in a way which targets such skills while giving constant and immediate feedback--in short, knowing exactly when we're doing it wrong and why it's wrong gives us the ability to correct and rapidly improve our abilities. It only takes application of technique.
Humans are different. Our experiences shape us; sometimes, brain damage or genetic and biological imperatives shape us. Women think differently than men; asians have different cultural interests than europeans; but we all have the ability to deliberately bestow upon ourselves any skill we wish. Normal humans can even emulate strange humans: synesthesia can be simulated, and this simulation can be leveraged to improve memory; distinct personalities can be created inside the mind by force of will, and a writer or actor can shape coherent, independent characters and complex interactions from these imaginary individuals; artists train themselves to dull the left prefrontal cortex, making themselves capable of the amazing feats of brain damaged savants. Anything one human can do, another can do.
Support my political activism on Patreon.
You know, all that cash? The cash you made from cooking all that meth? Don't forget to tell her where you buried it.
New York Times had an article about it a few years ago: Farewell, With Love and Instructions ,By LIZETTE ALVAREZ
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10...
One thing that would be nice is take some pictures from family vacations or school events and tell some funny or heatwarming stories about it. the focus should be split between the photos and your reactions to them. your laugh, smile, twinkle in the eye.
Sorry to hear and bless you and your family
I am sorry to hear about your prognosis. As someone with a Geek child (now 20) I can offer some stuff for you. There are two ways to go about this: Regular Advice or Geek advice. You can go exclusively geek advice, but that is a short list and technically rather short sighted. You can give regular advice, but can add geek references would probably be more appropriate.
* How to pick a good mate (interests, money, sex, religion, etc.) Maybe include stories of your wife/your courting .. money, sex, religion)
* How to succeed a marriage (how to fight, alone time, sex, money, etc.)
* How to be a good partner in a relationship (no passive/aggressive, fight fair, etc.)
* Sex in general
* Self Esteem (how she is good how she is, don't change, positive notes, etc.)
* Geeky stuff you like (TV shows, books, games, etc.)
* Encourage who she is (follow your passions, be strong and confident, etc.)
* Encourage talents (you should be able to see them there, give her suggestions on what to do)
* Money (how to invest, save/emergency fund, net worth, save for retirement, keeping up with the jones, etc.)
* General advice like (top 3 reasons people get a divorce
* General tech advice (password resets, no 2 passwords the same, once online always online, etc.)
* More general stuff about the world around her (world economy, driving in your area, etc.) anything that you would tell a kid during their lifetime.
Tell her this.
Do not forget you will die too one day. I am sorry I am gone, but Death is guaranteed the day we are born. It is a certainty that none of us like to think about. We like to pretend it is something in the far future that doesn't affect us. Live your life if the knowledge that you are going to die. Maybe a long time from now, but also maybe very soon. As you live your life everyday, do not forget that you will die. Perhaps it will make you more religious. Perhaps it will make you work harder. Perhaps it will make you not want to work at all. That is the point really.. you will realize your time on this Earth is limited and you will choose to spend that time wisely on the things that matter, instead of wasting it away on things that do not.
"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."
- Steve Jobs, Stanford 2005 Commencement address
- Tempestdata
If I were in this situation, one thing I think that I would do is to record a series of videos with each one to be viewed on a certain date, like a birthday or some other holiday. It would give my child something to look forward to for a while. Of course, it would be a finite set of videos...
I hope the best for you and your family.
Suggesting fake cures to people with cancer is pure evil, even if it's just the result of extreme gullibility.
That this is an excellent submission and should give all of us something to think about in terms of leaving a legacy to our loved ones should something happen to us, expected or otherwise.
Consider it an extension of a will for the information age.
Don't try to "pass on wisdom". Don't try to saddle her with some deep knowledge you feel the need to impart.
Tell her you love her. Tell her you're proud of her. Tell her she can be a bad ass, or any other thing she wants to. Tell her what is happening. Tell her it's something which happens, and that while it hurts it is a fact of life.
But for the love of god don't try to pass on some parental wisdom she'll be saddled with.
Passing on a specific set of wisdom is about you.
You're dying; that is scary, tragic, and will be tough for her to deal with.
Leave her happy videos of you and her and the family, not a proscribed series of messages to be viewed at times in her life. I'm betting she'd rather see videos of you singing Monty Python songs than moralizing from beyond the grave.
Seriously, talk with your wife, talk with your doctor, talk with your friends, talk with your daughter ... but for the love of god don't ask Slashdot what to do here.
By all means do leave behind happy memories and videos to look back on. But don't be so mission oriented. That's just grim.
Lost at C:>. Found at C.
First, condolences on your condition. I understand that this is not the optimal outcome but, like you said, you're coming to terms with it. Remember to make the videos about life, her life specifically, not your condition.
Encourage her to embrace those things that that not only make her different to others but also what makes other different to her. Be sure to outline how one decides how to make items or issues priority and what "taking care of number one" means.
I don't envy your project but I endorse with all of the geekry that makes us Geeks and Nerds and good humans.
Best of luck in your venture and just remember that she will have fond memories of you from the time your shared; be honest and concise as possible so there is nothing lost in translation.
Hang in there!
"I think you know what I'm talkin' about, Mr. President; We're gonna kill us a mummy!" - Bruce Campbell as Elvis Presley
I have a relatively rare muscular dystrophy that could remain stable for decades or could turn bad with no apparent trigger. I've thought about things like this a bit.
My biggest thing for my little geeks is the following: Find Interesting Problems to Work On. Since this is Slashdot I will now offend all of the people working in programming jobs which involve them solving someone else's problems for money -- don't be a mental prostitute 40+ hours a week, life is too precious.
And never attribute to malice what is readily explained by ignorance and idiocy. For the darling daughter: a lot of geek men are emotional/social idiots, remember they are probably not even aware when they offend you. Don't let their idiocy chase you off -- your confidence scares the bejeezus out of them.
I'm so sorry for your situation and for the sorrow I'm sure it will bring to your family.
All I can say is that we all have different paths through this life and, as such, we all have different things that would be important to us. I would simply say to ask yourself if this is the most important thing you want your daughter to know of you. If it is, I'm sure you'll find some good advice here. If it is not, you owe it to yourself to both yourself and her to say those other things first. I hope you've actually gotten to the point where this really is the most important thing you want to talk about with her. If so, you are a lucky man, regardless of the final outcome, for she knows your heart already.
That is all.
Knowing of mortality; my daughter was murdered, my father died to cancer and my wife was recently diagnosed with cancer. The thought that comes to mind - and as a geek you might see it: What was done on Terminator. Record everything you can. Show her that - you were there for her as much as you can. There was a movie -- I watched as a child where a lady found out that had cancer, and wasn't going to live. She made tape recordings for her daughter (I wish I could remember the name)
... what you feel comfortable with. What little I have of my father are songs that he had song to my mother, and very little of photographs.
/.
You might also consider gifts and/or recordings for her -- example 16th birthday, 18th birthday, graduation and so on. Start now, learn to become comfortable with your recordings. The recordings might be video, audio both
As you make the recordings -- I believe that you will think more in terms of what legacy you can provide her. Telling her that she seems to have the same geek that you have, that you were hoping to guild her when she got older. Tell her about going out and getting her that gift for her 16th birthday, how hard it is for you now, and wishing that you were there with her. Much good advise is here on
There's nothing that your daughter will treasure as much as the story of how you became you.
I really wished that I had discovered a few things earlier than I did. The first is Neuro Linguistic Programming. (Reading: Introducing NLP: Psychological Skills for Understanding and Influencing People by Joseph O'Connor) While it gets a bad rep as being the techniques people use to manipulate each other, I found that it was a solid 'instruction manual for the mind'. Some of the techniques in there made a very positive impact in my ability to learn, and I wish that I had had them in middle and high school when I was struggling with some of the AP work.
The second is eastern philosophy, specifically Taoist and Buddhist philosophy. (Reading: The Taoist Classics & The Classics of Buddhism and Zen by Thomas Cleary.) While technology is cool and all, hacking the body and the mind are way more fulfilling, interesting and beneficial. Some of the practices developed by the ancient masters like tai chi and qi gong are life long practices, and the earlier people get started, the more benefit they will eventually reap from them.
I believe that the majority people who read and contribute to Slashdot understand that our society is seriously ill. In many ways, our society is insane. It can be very isolating and confusing to hold different beliefs. It can be confusing to intuit that things are wrong, yet not understand why... or what the alternative is. I found those alternatives in ancient philosophies that can still be applied to the modern day.
To wrap it up. Children need to understand Neuro Linguistic Programming so that they can see through the bullshit that is constructed by the media, the marketers and politicians. Anyone can benefit from philosophies that espouse the virtues of self cultivation, health and just, balanced societies.
For the OP: Your daughter and wife will be okay. She has your DNA. They have both had your love. They are blessed that you were there to help bring her into the world, and to guide her development. They will miss you, your passing will hurt, but they will be okay.
Only you can provide these things about you, so focus on providing them. And IMHO, the thoughts, views, ideas, hopes, dreams that you had, including the ones which nobody else really got when you shared it with them -- share them with her. It's part of what makes you uniquely what you are, and right or wrong, it's something she can keep with her and remember what made you you once you pass on. You can provide the specifics; she and others can provide their own analysis and conclusions later on.
In the future (and the present), you can look up public information on any topic, with varying amounts of research, so I'd worry less about that.
To everyone that says "forget the video's spend time with her now".
Spend time with her now, obviously and make some memories. But later on in life, those video's will become important. She may be too young to appreciate them now, or even in a few years, but as time goes on and her memories fade, they will take on a new importance. What you looked like, how you sounded. Being able to show those to her husband or kids will mean a lot.
When it comes to topics, don't focus on trying to impart "life lessons." Tell her about your life. The good, the bad and the ugly. The time you lost your job. The first/last fight you got into as a child. A fun birthday. The weirdest job you ever had. The girl you had a crush on that never knew you existed. Your first girlfriend. Your first breakup. Things that will help her know you. Those will impart the life lessons.
And the one piece of advice I wish I had listened to, "If you go to college, don't skip class."
In addition to your other videos, you might consider making a short video wishing her happy birthday each year. Think about the things you want to say to her at those stages of life.
More generally: Tell her it's ok to fail. Don't spend her life doing things to make other people happy. Also: Don't spend her entire life in front of a computer screen.
I would want my daughter to know the following:
1) I work am a child psychologist and interview parents all the time. When I ask what they want for their child, I am always happy to hear something along the lines of happy and independent when they reach adulthood. Make sure she knows that you goals for her are generalized to her happiness and independence, not specific things such as attend Notre Dame and become an accomplished engineer.
2) Know that she is loved for who she is. (especially by you and her mom) Know that other people do judge you and it can be harsh, but one of the awesome things in life, is that as you get older and are better able to choose the people with whom you interact, the fear of this judgment decreases. The "It gets better campaign" for LGBT youth is a founded on this concept, but I think it applies to all teens.
3) Girls are unfairly subject to society-specific, irrational concepts like having to look a certain way or behave in more rigid patterns. She does not have to follow those patterns unless she wants to.
4) Guys, especially in high school and college, heck many adults, can be driven by hormonally-driven motives. Watch out for hormones combined with lousy environmental circumstances like alcohol, drugs, dark alleys. Guys in high school and college also have immature pre-frontal cortices, resulting in increased impulsiveness. Make sure she has a solid set of friends that help watch out for one another.
5) The world is a fascinating place, go see it with an open mind and find new ideas that make your part of the world better.
6) The meaning of life is elusive, but to some degree we get to define our own. I have chosen that I want to make the world easier and better for other people as my meaning. I am doing so and therefore everything else is usually pretty cool. Make sure she knows to seek meaning in things that she can have control over. Psychologists refer to this as increasing your perception of self-efficacy, which usually correlates with increased optimism and happiness. This will be particularly hard in the face of the uncontrollable circumstances that led to why you are recording these things for her.
7) Record some of the goofy, stupid crap that you loved about your life, and some of the stuff you wish you would have avoided. New details from your life will help her feel close to you even after you are gone.
8) Make sure she knows that she can grieve and that it sucks and it is not fair, and that you feel the same way. Make sure she also knows that if she has a hard time grieving, that it is totally cool with you if she seeks help to figure out all the complex feelings.
9) Let her know that it is okay for her to be happy again. So many people grieving for loved ones feel bad when they feel happy, or feel like they "forgot to be sad". As though they are not doing due diligence to continue being sad over the loss. Making sure she has active access to enjoyable activities and social support. She might feel like she is "forgetting you," but reassure her that you know better. All you would want is for to be able to really enjoy the life she has. Having room in her head for all of the great times your family shared is part of that, but so is her capacity for building new great memories and experiences, and that is not a betrayal to you.
10) I would leave some pictures of prized possessions and experiences, with an explanation of why they are prized. Again, this will let her continue to get to know you.
11) Writing about complex ideas helps us understand and let go of negative feelings associated with things such as death or trauma. I would encourage her to keep a journal, and if comfortable doing so, share it with her mother to help figure these things out. It is a lot easier to recognize incomplete or irrational thoughts when we write them out.
Sincerest wishes for the least painful end possible
* If you play video games together, get a high score and challenge your daughter to beat it.
* When it comes to womanhood, tell your daughter to trust in her mother, both of them will need that bond.
* Tell your wife to always listen to your daughter, even if she's disappointed by the topic of the conversation, and tell your daughter the same.
* Go out with your ladies and do something with them that is just the three of you that they can both talk, laugh about, and cry about later and they will do all of those.
* Be true to who you are right up to the very end.
* Write some letters to each of them that are for those special days in their lives, Graduation, 1st kiss if he hasn't happened, first day of college, your daughter's wedding, her divorce (hopefully she won't), her kids, your wife's first next love (that will be difficult, but important). Have another family member (your brother / sister / parents / etc..) send those letters.
* Tell them it's OK to celebrate life and laugh without you there.
* Encourage them to live life as if the end is always near, while remaining considerate of others.
* If you choose cremation, have them release the ashes together, whether just the two or with all that love you today, and make it something that's an adventures, like dumping ashes in the middle of the ocean from a chartered sailboat, or after a hike to a favorite spot is reached, or at the base of a tree and if a fruit tree, all the better.
* Give them both a trinket that they can't lose, like a tattoo that you all share in an obscure part of their body.
* Laugh with them, lean on them when they offer to help, love them with every smile, tear, smell, and touch.
* On your videos, leave some awesome old-school knowledge and know-how that's being lost to our modern world.
* Most importantly, tickle them to keep them smiling.
Kudos for loving them so much. You rock.
How I have no mod points to boost this is a mystery to me, but I hope OP sees this.
My dad died suddenly in an accident when I was just 22, right out of college. I had always anticipated growing up and having a beer with him from time to time, asking exactly the kinds of questions CodePwned listed, and more like this: "What did you see in Mom when you first met?" "What did you learn from your first real job? Your second? Looking back, what would you have done differently?" "What was your first car? But what car did you really want then?"
In other words, these are the questions that kid Wernst would never have thought about asking, or even cared to know, but 44-year old Wernst would give just about anything to know.
Your daughter might not appreciate "adult" thoughts or musings now, or even for a decade or two, but I suspect you'll be thoughtful in how you record and save these videos so that she can watch and re-watch what you record for the rest of her life. So don't forget to to speak to her for those young and special times in her life, but also for that idle Tuesday when she's in her 40's or 50's and is wondering what kind of man her father really was.
In short, I'm not sure how much I'd value a "personal message from the grave" vs. stories that show me what my dad was like.
And make some for your wife while you're at it She knows who you are better than anyone, but she'll want to remember you too. Best of luck to you.
(Who left all these damn onions around here?!)
"I love you"
and
"I'm proud of you."
Let her hear those seven words, and I guarantee it will always bring a smile to her face.
Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and what you want out of life. Don't take shit from anyone -- friends, bosses, coworkers, romantic partners. At the same time, understand the difference between letting people walk all over you, and listening to, accounting for, and respecting the needs and opinions of others. Negotiate your salary. Don't be afraid to ask for a raise you feel you deserve. Or a promotion. Don't forget that some dues-paying is required in careers. And that paying your dues makes you a better employee and a better manager later. You can have a husband and children and a career. Or any combination of those things. Having a career doesn't mean you aren't prioritizing your children. Having children doesn't mean that you can't prioritize a career as well. Staying at home with children is hard work. Don't let anyone tell you differently. The same things that make you a nerd in high school will make you awesome later in life. High school is a blip on the radar. Sometimes you will make bad choices. Bad choices do not make you a bad person. It's not the making a mistake that matters most, it's how you correct it, and what you learn from it. Don't be afraid to love, and to let yourself be loved. Sometimes a profound loss makes that hard for people. Love is still worth the risk.
Kids need to understand how to be able to accomplish to the limit of their ability for themselves, their family and profession. To do that they need to have the knowledge & self-control to stay healthy in all ways, in spite of peer pressures today.
Kids also need to understand how to deal with loss as it is a part of life and that is difficult to comprehend when young. Maybe it can be stated in a positive light, "Now we both know we have a limited time together, we can focus on important things so you can get the most out of your life."
Helping a child to accomplish something significant really does stick with kids. Steve Jobs told how much he appreciated what he learned from his step-dad in understanding how to build things and why they had to be done "right." Each kid is different.
ha, guess again in which direction and end of the gastrointestinal tract Gerson inserted his coffee
It's very touching life event. May god bless you with courage and piece !! While you will know the best way to spend next few months of your life and I would put one more option for you, to spend some precious time listening to Osho with your family. http://www.oshoworld.com/disco... You can start from any of his spiritual wisdom ....The Zen Manifesto to any other of his speeches !
Try not to do anything that gets yourself killed or maimed
Think twice before doing anything that could get you imprisoned or pregnant
Everything else is fair game
Do what makes you happy, even if it's just on the weekends
Forgive yourself
Stay curious
Give a shit
Take a risk
Fail early, fail often, learn constantly
Participate
Don't be afraid to ask the stupid question
Abandon perfection
Shut up and listen
Experiment
Take breaks
Reject assholes
Pay attention
Tinker
Omit unnecessary words
Accept criticism only after analyzing it critically
Be wrong
Use your vacation time
Once you have food, water, and shelter, more money will not make you happier
Time is the only resource we have, make the most of it
This sig has been enciphered with a one-time pad. It could say almost anything.
I hope this successfully comes off as it's meant, as helpful criticism.
Your daughter is in sixth grade; the best thing you can do might be to spend the time you would on these videos being with her now. The "write a bunch of time-release notes" thing has been promoted a lot lately, but can seriously backfire - I can't find it right now because @work, but there's an article where a woman talks about how that sort of thing can be taken extremely badly - she basically dreads the once-a-year reminder that her father is gone.
Things like documenting your life can certainly be a good idea; but be really careful to set it up so that she can come to it on her own terms, and don't let it turn into something that will attach your passing to all her memories of you.
My aunt did this. Right after a divorce, she got breast cancer that spread to the lymph nodes, and game over. She had 3 small kids, and left them a video, which I was allowed to see as well.
I found it really sad. I'm sure she thought she was doing the responsible thing as a loving parent, and didn't have any idea anything else was seeping through. However, she clearly was still angry about the situation, and blamed her ex for the cancer. In the video.
However true or unfair that is, this was the decidedly not the person she was. She was a stunning woman, on the inside and out. She was the smartest person in a family full of postgrad professionals, and attractive enough to spend some time dealing cards in Vegas, and do stints on game shows in Hollywood. She did some really amazing things, and spent her life as the rockstar of our family. I can't express how sad it is to me that the last thing she left her kids with was none of that. It is just now how she deserved to be remembered.
I remember she specifically instructed her daughter about graduating from college (part of the inheritance was even tied to that) and choosing a partner better than she did. He daughter ended up dropping out of college to marry an older man, and has since divorced and remarried. I guess the moral here is that no matter what you do, your kids are going to grow up and make their own mistakes.
Please, please if you want to do this, watch it yourself and pay attention to what you are saying.
I'd say... (well, I *did* say, in an open letter to my daughter that's been a continuous project for the last few years) that there will be a time just a few years from now (13-15) where your emotions will be in turmoil, and you may not be able to make sense of it or know why you're having the feelings you have. This is a normal part of growing up, and it will pass. You just need to do the best you can and wait it out.
Later you'll go through a different set of emotions and crises when it's time to leave home and set out on your own. This too will pass.
During these times, you may say or do things that you will regret later. Know that your family understands this and will not hold it against you.
All I ask of you is that you follow your heart and strive to do your best. Find something you want to do and become the best you can at it, no matter what it is. Think clearly, make educated decisions, set your own course. The people worth having in your life will remain, the people who aren't will go. This is a natural process.
Many times throughout your life you will be saying goodbye for the last time -- to friends, family, pets. This is part of the price we pay for living our lives. Eventually people will be saying goodbye to you. But your influence on others -- the footprints you've left in other people's lives -- will live on. And this will be enough.
Oliver's law of assumed responsibility: If you're seen fixing it, you will be blamed for breaking it.
http://xkcd.com/791/
Oliver's law of assumed responsibility: If you're seen fixing it, you will be blamed for breaking it.
Don't be afraid of death. Or life.
Steve Jobs was mentioned by the OP. His cancer only progressed to the incurable stage because he wasted years trying alternative therapies like you are suggesting rather than the proven effective strategies that could have halted his rare treatable form of pancreatic cancer. The OP who is doing the right thing by accepting reality and using what time he has left to benefit his loved ones. I say this for the benefit of those in the earlier stages who still have a chance: believing in unaccepted alternative treatments is dangerously attractive to the highly educated innovative types. Innovation requires us to question authority and pursue the neglected alternatives. But innovation also means failing 20 times before you succeed. You don't have 20 failures to make with your health. You get one chance to treat a terminal disease. Two or three if you're really lucky. Don't put off conventional therapies with known success rates so you can try that one weird trick.
I sometimes ask revealing, often ignorant-seeming questions. Maybe they're harder to answer than you think.
..by telling her you're proud of her and that life is too short to spend any of it worrying and afraid. Make the most of the life you have.
I wish you both the best.
You are welcome on my lawn.
She will want to see you holding her, touching her and being with her. She will want to remember how she felt to have you physically in her life. When she is missing or is going through a rough time she will want to see the two of you together. Record many long moments with a camera on a tripod talking to her about the things in her life. If possible record moments outside with the two of you just being a family. She will treasure these recorded moments later in life probably more than any advice you can give her because in the end she will only want you to be in her life. The videos of the two of your together are a way for her to see you and be with you in her own way. She will never forget you because you are her Dad and she loves you more than anything in life. I have two young daughters and would do the same for them.
From the article:
No conclusions about the effectiveness of the Gerson therapy, either as an adjuvant to other cancer therapies or as a cure, can be drawn from any of the studies reported above.
So if you want to link to a study showing how effective this therapy is, the above link is NOT the one to use. Find one with confirmation of the results in a fairly large, repeatable study.
Other than advice, why don't you tell her about yourself? What are your memories growing up? How did you and your wife meet (you wife can tell her, but you will have a different side of the story)? What do you remember about the day she was born? What memories stand out from when she was growing up? What are your happiest memories? What are things you are glad you did? Etc. Even if she doesn't appreciate them, your potential future grand-children might.
I wouldn't worry about doing or saying specific things. There is a temptation to make grand gestures. Don't worry about all of that. Spend a lot of time with her and just be yourself. My mom spent the last month of her life seeing people and helping them deal with the fact that she would be gone soon. She focused on making sure that we were as prepared as we could be for her being gone. It was weird and sad and great all at once. The time we spent together was, despite the obvious differences, very much like the rest of our lives together. We got angry, we got sad, we laughed...in short we lived. Nothing was left unsaid. When she did die I was sad for myself but happy that she was done with her ordeal.
Videos are great but again I would focus on keeping it simple. When I watch the few videos we have of my mom I am far more interested in seeing and hearing her than what she is actually saying. I'd rather have a video of her just interacting with people and having fun than a video to me specifically.
What I miss the most are the daily interactions with my mom. I can't have those again but having ways to re-create the experience her being "around" is what means the most to me. Your daughter will have a lot of people to give her advice...what she'll miss is experiencing you as a human being. Maybe you can give her that by just recording your life with her and your family. She is smart and insightful and she'll get what she needs out of it when she needs it.
I wish you all the best.
Could chocolate be quiet and let me finish?
Please help me make sure that OP sees this - maybe Mods can help?
I am friends with the founder of this charity - I want to bring OP together with the JAJF. See their mission below. http://www.jajf.org/home/
If they are able to help OP (certainly I can't guarantee anything) they would send OP and family on a vacation to spend time without stress and pressure to simply be together and mint special memories for daughter and wife to carry forward.
OP - Message me if you are interested.
"JAJF celebrates treating families to WOW! Experiences since 2006. The Jack & Jill Late Stage Cancer Foundation was inspired by Jill and Jon Albert’s real life story. During Jill’s fight with Stage IV metastatic breast cancer, Jill, Jon and their two young children quickly realized that the disease was not just attacking her body, but it was affecting the entire family. The Alberts knew that strong memories of special times together would be both their kids’ greatest inheritance.
From this notion and inspiration, the Jack & Jill Late Stage Cancer Foundation was born.
“The children need a break - they just need a break - and so do the parents. This foundation needs to continue. It must.”
- Jill Albert (1961 - 2006)
Tell your stories, your life history, what you remember about your own parents, grandparents, brothers or sisters, and about her. These stories will allow your daughter to stay connected with you. These stories will show your values. These stories will help her know a little more about herself. Tell every story you can think of. Then not only will she connect with you but also your grandchildren, and great-grand children in future generations.
Don't record the advice videos like you've suggested you would. There are a number of stories about people who've done this and it's turned out badly. If you're just saying things like "I love you and hope you're doing well!" that's great... But advice? Advice needs to bend and twist with circumstances. You've no idea what situation your daughter will be in 20yrs from now, and how the video could appear to her. What if one of the videos is "Congratulations on the degree!" and she flunks out? She'd be fine and likely do well in life anyway, but that video would be painful.
My mother came from the deep south, and her advice about African Americans when I was a child likely would have been to stay away from them. But now, as an adult, my wife and I adopted an African American child, who is the light of my mothers life. They are inseparable and she's now an emesary of inclusiveness to her southern relatives. Circumstances changed all of us, and any static, unalterable message from 30yrs ago had my mother been terminal would have done nothing but cause us pain now.
Pass on your love and support. Leave the advice for the living.
give her the list
tell her anytime she thinks of you, to read one of those books/ watch one of those movies
you can bond with her from the beyond
intellectual property law is philosophically incoherent. it is your moral duty to ignore it or sabotage it
I'm sorry that you won't be around to watch your daughter grow into a woman. I am extremely lucky that my father is still alive, and an an active part of my life. I am thankful for that. When I think of the values that my father worked (is still working...) on instilling into me, they are love, a respect for formal education as well as informal learning, and a good work ethic.
"...and the greatest of these is love." Despite the partial quotation, and not exactly intended application, I think this quote is applicable to your situation. If you only can share one thing with your future daughter, I hope it is that you love her very much. Other values are important, but I think the most important thing for a child is to know that they are loved.
Condolences to you and your family. Many have touched upon many things to share humanitarian, ethics, geek stuff and how to do xyz. Basically everything and anything that has touched your life and made you who you are.
What I would do in such a situation is keep that recorder handy. When you have an idea or something you even think is up there that you want to share, DO IT! Dont second guess, just say/record it! Regardless of what condition emotionally or otherwise you may find yourself in, she will treasure it for the rest of her life.
Wishing all the best,
think_nix
This is very touching and I can only begin to imagine, as the father of a 5 year old son, how I would cope with this. Strangely enough, I have given it some thought in the past. What if I am not here, how will my wife and son fare? What would I want to tell my son, being the age he is at and all of the experiences I would miss. You have already touched on video messages but also consider leaving her your written thoughts. These can be shorter musings, your inner thoughts to share with her. Stuff she can pick up without having to experience the intensity of a video. Take the opportunity to share who you are with her, your values, your hopes and dreams for her. Let her know that you love her mother, why you love her. This can be important to her later when she is experiencing her first relationships.
When I was in University (many years ago) I got my degree in Business. Majored in HR and got a job as an employment counsellor out of university. Business is what was needed in the world, and there were opportunities there. I was miserable. I once read of a man who spoke at a Career Day at a high school. In question period a student asked him what he should study, what did the world need. He took a deep breath and said that this was the wrong question. Ask yourself instead what gives you passion, then do that. Because what the world needs is people with more passion. It stuck with me and I moved into a Technology stream which is always something I enjoyed (it wasn't so clear cut when the major technology in the office was the photocopier). IT was not really even recognized as a profession in the business world at the time.
Apart from that, don't be afraid to post online in various circles with your real name. I use a pseudonym here because I would not really want some of my old comments to come back and haunt me. I could be a dumbass when I was younger. But lately (past several years) I have take to using my real name. My approach is to always post in a way that I can stand behind what I said as a person, even when posting pseudo anonymously. With your real name out there commenting on technology, social, political or business issues it is an opportunity to raise the level of discussion because it will force you to reread before hitting 'Submit'. Once it is on the net it will always be there, a legacy for her, that she can come across and be proud of. I would want my son to see a father who was engaged with the world and interacted with it in a dignified manner and with humour (maybe bad humour, he can judge that I guess). Life shouldn't always be serious.
Good luck to you in the coming months. I feel priviledged to have read your story and that you took the opportunity to reach out to your fellow geeks here.
One possible guiding framework:
1) Moral clarity - Not everything is relative. Right and wrong exist; discover which is which (in your mind), and how to tell the difference. Incorporate this into your core beliefs. Trust your gut. Wield an intransigent mind. Pushing the limits of conformity and mediocrity is an important part of human existence.
2) Human nature - Learn to recognize and anticipate the patterns in what causes people to do (or not do) things. This has changed very little throughout recorded history. Improving your understanding -- I mean brutally, honestly acknowledging what makes people tick -- will serve you well.
3) Critical thinking - Spend a little time learning about logical fallacies, and the other clever methods humans use to delude themselves and others. Critical-thinking skills are both an inoculation against being misled, and also well serve the other principles above.
Beyond that, the rest will come more easily. You will have strengths and weaknesses, in proportion. You will pursue subjects that interest you. You will have problems along the way, but you will be guided by a framework (perhaps even something vaguely resembling this framework... or another... or your own).
If you find receptive people along the way, gently teach them what you have learned... and then do not become too disappointed when they do not learn. *You* know it, and that is the most important thing.
One more thing: Do not feel guilty or sad about existing on Earth. This is all for you, as much as it is for anybody or anything else. The best revenge is living well... by which I mean, a culture of life - living your way, to serve your values, and ignore the herd.
I wish you the best of luck.
We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone. -management
Share stories, share your thoughts, share your ideals and values, but don't lecture. Just talk about yourself and your own feelings. Stories about your experiences with her when she was little (things she likely wouldn't remember herself) would be great as well.
As others have pointed out lecturing and advice type videos will likely not sit well with her, cause undue burden or distress, or simply be ignored. If you want to make some videos like that you'd want them done in such a way that she wouldn't see those until she was in her mid-20's, about the age most of us started to finally mature mentally and emotionally and could actually accept, even crave, that sort of advice.
I like the idea of an extended trip. I'm not sure about pulling her out of school for it, but if you feel you may still be okay come time for her summer vacation, plan something then. Don't make rigid plans, either--nothing makes a trip more stressful than strictly scheduling every moment. Just say you'll travel some rough route with a few places to hit, but no firm dates--a classic road trip.
Most of all, don't totally give up hope on yourself either. Until you're actually in the final stages with organ failure there is always the chance that (real medical) treatments may still win, or at least heavily delay, what seems inevitable right now.
Brilliant. I wish I had points to mod this up. I've cut and pasted this. Thanks!
My own father passed when I was six years old. Still, his memory was a huge influence on my life. Through my mother, older siblings, and business associates of his, I was constantly reminded of his values. He was known as an honest man of high integrity. I wanted (still want) to be known the same way. That has always been a tall order to live up to. But I am better for it.
He also expected me to learn something every day. I still remember coming home from kindergarden and being asked "What did you learn today?" -- if I said "nothing" or "not much", I was told that wasting a day like that was unacceptable. He expected a specfic, concrete answer to that question each and every day. He belived in education and served on the school board. He encouraged all of his children to pursue higher education in what ever area they were passionate about.
I'd recommend teaching her to go out of her way to meet awesome people. Go work at that amazing summer job that pays crap but lets you be a scuba instructor. Spend a few months traveling around Thailand. Take a NOLS course. Volunteer for a fantastic organization. I imagine to some degree she'll have a safety net in life - she can always move back in with Mom. Let her know that failing won't be the end of the world and risks are worth taking.
----- obSig
A story about a daughter who was the recipient of such letters from her dead mother:
Letter Day Saint
While I understand the desire to "be there" for you daughter, the painful fact is you will not be. And as the years pass, the less and less likely it's going to be that your imagined future version of your daughter is at all like the actual person your daughter becomes. This is going to create stress as she's now constantly being reminded by your videos of how she's failed to live up to your dreams.
My father was a great story teller. I regret I never recorded audio of any of his stories.
My father sang a few songs in his final months. Those made it to cassette, and I digitized those. Priceless.
I would record yourself doing something you love. Take a walk, and record your thoughts on it. Go for your favorite drive and narrate why you like it so much. Go to the library and give a guided tour. Sniff a rose, and then talk roses.
If you have a lot of "core thoughts", record those.
If you have a great laugh, get that recorded.
And through all those recordings, intersperse your core values, your love...for your daughter, life, your work, space travel or organic zucchini.
I've logged a bit of face time with my replacements. I always emphasize that I would want them to be happy, not sad, when they think of me.
Namaste
I come here for the love
It's commendable that you want to pass on wisdom. But I suspect your daughter isn't going to miss your wisdom anywhere near as much as she's going to miss you. What is it that makes you so uniquely you?
For example: I have some really strong memories associated with science fiction, particularly Poul Anderson's Tau Zero. So I might record myself reading Tau Zero, and whenever I reached a passage that really resonated with me I might go into a long digression about why it resonated with me, and things in my life and history that also strike that same thematic note. By the end of it, she would know not only that I loved Tau Zero, but she'd know a lot more about me and why I loved it and why it spoke to me and why, with only six good months left, I'd choose to spend six hours of it recording it for her.
Wisdom is overrated. It really, truly is. It's valuable but it's not the best thing out there. And I say that as the son of a father who has the keenest mind I've ever known, a guy who has enormous life experience and wisdom and has shared it with me freely throughout my life. If-and-when he goes, I'll miss his wisdom a lot. But I'll miss him more.
The most important gift you have to pass on to your daughter isn't your wisdom. It's you.
but make sure you have a (preferably handwritten) transcript for her too. Who knows if your videos (or their formats) will survive while a bank lock box and some hand written notes on carefully selected paper will likely weather time better.
As for the rest, tell her what YOU think is important for her to know. You can't ask us for that - and I somehow doubt that will have much to do with your education nor station in life.
Include videos for really bad life events. As unpleasant as it is to think about, she may one day be a victim of domestic violence, rape, or arrest--all very common, and all times when someone most needs support in their life.
Also, encourage her to understand money, so she won't be at the mercy of those who do.
And think about the ten hardest times in your life. What were they, what did you learn from them that you want to share with her.
And come up with a video for her wedding, maybe for her divorce, and for future weddings, and for if she never marries.
And one for her grandchildren, to tell them about these tapes that your daughter is passing on.
Well done AC, thank you
I don't have anything to add beyond what is above, however I wanted to just write that I'm sorry for their upcoming loss, and yours at not being there for longer. Make the most of now seems to be a running theme that I'd subscribe to in your position.
Again, sorry.
The top 3 pieces of advice, ever:
3: Think about what you want to do before you do it.
2: Use the proper tool for the job.
1: Floss.
If she likes music and is geeky, introducing her to the world of analog (and analog styled) synthesizers would be a great combination of the two.
I am sorry to hear about the seriousness of your illness and admire your for dealing with it so openly.
Since I had death and illness of a close relative lately, I would ask you to think of two things:
- Give full powers to someone to deal with your affairs when you cannot
- Make sure you have a current patient's provision
From the way you are approaching the end, I am pretty sure you have already done so. But I just want to make sure. It can really take a lot of burden from your daughter and other relatives.
Making a live-or-death decision for a loved one is really, really hard.
Concerning your daughter: you may want to leave her letters (one per year until 18) describing how you experienced live at her age back then. Just let her know how you felt, what moved you, what you loved or hated.
Believe in yourself, don't let anyone else belittle you or your ideas. Do listen to criticism but only enough to ask yourself if they actually have a point.
Don't worry about following convention or always doing what your friends say. Many "conventions", "obviously right ways", laws, religious teachings and "Friendly Advice" are actually just mechansims used by people to get you to behave in ways that benefits them only.
Don't always play safe. People that always choose the low-risk option have a safe but very grey life.
Don't spend time worrying/griping about problems, spend it finding/implementing solutions.
Enjoy every sunny day.
Be good.
Be considerate.
It is your decision ultimately how you want to leave things with your daughter, but I found this anecdote of a woman who felt emotionally overwhelmed by her dead mother's letters from beyond the grave. Be wary that while your daughter may find comfort and meaning in your video letters, she may just as likely feel grief and stress: http://www.slate.com/articles/...
"f I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it...."
To this day, when I listen to it, the advice, and how it's conveyed, makes me tear up a bit.
"Do one thing EVERY day that scares you..."
Just one powerful line from a powerful essay/song.
"I have no special gift, I am only passionately curious." - Albert Einstein
http://xkcd.com/456/
I agree with some of the earlier comments about instilling values of being assertive while still being a good person. The world needs more good people, geek or not.
Also, if my parents were to do this for me, I'd want stories and to know about their life. Share what you think is cool, the stuff you did, and whatever geek things you did "when you were her age". I'm in my mid 20s now, and my parents are in their late 50s / early 60s, but I know very little about them before I came along. Every single story I was told as kid, especially by my mother, had to have some cautionary tale about the world associated with it (or the story was fabricated to illustrate the point). The times when I got real stories about things they did, how they felt about past events, or things I could connect with them on like music or business or technology, were few and far between. Don't get me wrong, they are fantastic parents, but if I were to inherit a series of these videos, that's what I would want.
You can't predict the future, but you can tell her a lot about the past and the present. My advice is to make it personal so she comes to know adult you when she's ready.
On your phone or computer or with your smart devices can be found. The promise not to share may be heartfelt at the time it's given but does not actually prevent sharing by someone else or when loyalties fade. Don't compromise your values to satisfy others, peers, employers, significant others. Be willing to evaluate your position but always act in accord with what you know to be true. The value of your contribution does not stem from your gender. Hard work and consistent effort will be your guideposts to success. You can learn to do anything.
On February 25, 2015, you wrote
there is not a snowball's chance in Texas
Mother Nature and the National Weather Service just called to tell you it snowed in Texas today.
Knowledge is how to play a game, intelligence is how to win, wisdom is knowing what game to play.
Be yourself. Stay curious. Treat others as you wish to be treated. Never shy away from a challenging task, because even if it fails, it will teach you something new and grant you valuable experience.
Eat the rich.
1) Failure is an integral part of success. Don't give up when you fail, learn from it and grow.
2) Understand people, tell her to read "How to win friends and influence people" and commit it to heart. No matter what she does she will always need to understand people. Learning how to deal with humans and their silliness will give her more success than any geeky persuit alone. It'll also make her life much happier.
I wish I'd learnt both of these things when I was 20.
Maybe its not what you pass but what you don't pass to her:
Clear browser history on exit
Seriously though, you can't parent when you are dead, and you are dead soon. Don't worry about what she will be doing with her life. Don't focus on later events. She won't care about you on her 50th birthday. You will be a short story and several photos to her husband. She will get wisdom from the living, I assume most from your wife. Tell her stories and show examples of how things were in your life, and do it NOW, so 8 years from your last day on earth she will be happy that something about you can still be remembered, without the need of computers or whatever tech we will be using...and after that, use your spiffy technology to record a few skydiving trips of you and her, or the entire family doing whatever. She won't care what, as long as it was exciting and fun and with dad in the picture.
It will be better to purchase from an owner who is a good farmer and a good builder.
One of the artifacts that I've held on to, is my granddad's slide rule. He was an engineer, and I've treasured the slide rule.
As a programmer, I can't think of many artifacts I would be able to give to my daughter, or that she would give to her children. I have kept the old Compaq BASICA reference book that I used as a kid, but without moving parts like a sliderule, it doesn't strike me as cool. It seems like everything is virtual and ephemeral in this time of glass touch screens and constantly upgrading software.
None-the-less -- something tangible that doesn't take up too much space, -- that could be really important to her.
Though I imagine that the original poster has exhausted all his standard treatment options, it might also be worth mentioning the sort of 'precision medicine' that major cancer centres like Sloan-Kettering are now starting to do. The idea is to take a sample of the tumour and sequence all the genes in which mutations might make the cancer responsive to some specific treatment (perhaps a drug that would not normally be considered for that type of tumour). This can now be done very rapidly. If one of the genes comes up as positive for an 'actionable' mutation, then in some circumstances the patient may be offered a treatment that is intended to exploit the damaged gene to target the tumour (e.g., as part of a new type of clinical trial that runs across cancers of different types where individual cases happen to have mutations in the same gene). Further details, including contact information, are here:
http://www.mskcc.org/blog/new-...
My best wishes to the poster and his family at this very difficult time.
Stop pissing around with a video camera and video editing software and spend time with your daughter now instead. Don't waste time trying to predict the things she might want to hear about at graduation, on her wedding day, or other events, the truth is she probably doesn't want to spend those happy days crying over a ghost her left her life a decade ago. Stop being selfish and trying to memorialise yourself, your daughter is alive and in need now. Give her the chance to mourn you and put you to rest, without haunting her later years with boxes of tapes labelled "first date", "prom", "graduation" and the like.
You're on a timer, live in the moment. Leave happy memories in your wake.
All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.
The rest of the poem is a bit dated, in that Yeats is giving advice to his daughter that is rather sexist by modern views, but these three stanzas say it all really.
"I know I will be modded down for this": where's the option '-1, Asking for it'?
Your post/story has struck a chord for me, and I'm now being a little selfish and thinking about how best to make a time capsule of knowledge and sharing for my kids, should I pass away (and my wife too, of course).
The first and obviously most important is how much you love her (them). Beyond that... I honestly think that if you just talk about yourself, what you think made you the person you are today, what helped or hindered that, what you dislike, etc... always with your best attempt at a 'Why?' answer following it up.
I think she is going to want to know who you are / were, and what made you into that -- more than anything else.
Then espouse upon your values and what tenets you hold dearest, again with an explanation. Do you believe it private or open-source software, and why?... as a top of the head example.
Then move on to snippets of tips and tricks, things you'd have taught your kid(s) as they grew and asked questions. It can be random, it can be silly, it can be incomplete -- it will all still be of value to her.
Don't constrain it to video either. If/when you feel that you're no longer representing yourself the way you want to in a visual format, move on to leaving textual information, notes, letters, tips, tricks. Build a wiki for her with random bits and bobs for her to discover that you think would be of use or interesting, both to you -- and her in the future.
And of course, leave a history of websites, accounts, passwords (probably in a password vault, with the password or keyfile stored elsewhere) of accounts/sites/memberships you held that you think she might find interesting. Giving her a window into your public and private history (using semi-private internet forums as a top of head example again) would likely be cathartic and interesting as well. Insights into who you were with people privately, away from the eyes of the internet -- or even the eyes of your friends or family. Not to mention the benefit of bequeathing said accounts to the next generation (though make sure the admin staff of such places are aware of the changeover, and make sure they're comfortable with it). Game communities, software communities, specific discussion communities or sites, etc.
I think the gist of it is, do your best to document for her Who you are and How you became that way, and let her follow the path herself as needed (ontop of / aside from the videos). She won't understand all of it, or perhaps even most of it, but at least you'll have done your best to give her all possible examples and avenues to explore at her own pace -- which I think would be cathartic in the long term, when she's in her 20's and becoming an adult, and missing her Dad in a different way than she will in the next few years.
I'm sorry for both yours and her loss, but thank you for posting this. It got me thinking about what I would do if I were you, which helps me start planning how to bequeath my knowledge posthumously, to my kid.
Hang on a sec, I'll get to my point of disagreement.
I forget the exact quote or even who the alleged author was, but it goes something like this. "Subject like Math can surely help in a career and portions of life, but understanding Politics is vastly more important. Politics effects every moment of your life, without exception. There is no subject more important, because nothing else impacts you the same way." An example is: Being a good cook takes some education, and you will surely have better tasting meals on the table. A politician taxing labor and goods, regulating food and what producers can put in the grocery store impacts not just the flavor but what you can afford to put on the table.
This lesson took me a long time to fully understand, but the world I look at today is not my own small corner. The world I am leaving to my kid is immense and goes far beyond what I directly control. I can influence the world, but I can't change it. (Reading how that sounds "NO", I am not the author of TFA).
Philosophy, Ethics, and Logic are all tied tightly together. Morality is an essential piece of those three things. Empathy is understanding the morality you dish out, as you would receive it.
The lessons of Liberal Arts last for a lifetime, compared to technology which is largely short lived knowledge. I'm sure you were proud of your Commodore64 knowledge like I was at the time, but that stuff all vanished. As did DOS, SunOS 2, HP-UX 9, and all of these other technologies that people said were "essential" to know. The latest application is not important when a large portion of the population can't afford it.
Encourage the geekiness, but make sure they understand the fundamentals that carry them through life. That means living your life knowing that you leave a legacy behind, and ensuring you know how you wish to be remembered in history. Even if that history is small family stuff it matters.
-The wise argue that there are few absolutes, the fool argues that there are no probabilities.
I've got one geeky daughter and one not as geeky.
Tell her to follow her interests and learn on her own. Make her geek education her own responsibility and not that of schools and universities. Tell her that the ability to learn on your own, and to learn about things that interest you, are what makes all the difference.
For geeks, that's probably the most important thing.
If she's only in 6th grade now, she likely will be following a career that will follow the mentor/protege apprenticeship and entrepreneurship model, and not the go-to-college-get-a-job model. She will have to be self driven to become an expert in her field.
Flappinbooger isn't my real name
Really, unless you are trying to set up an arranged marriage or something via recorded videos, I imagine just about anything you leave behind will be a treasured memory.
You can give her advice all day long, but I feel the best approach would be to tell her stories of your life and how you handled things (and might do them differently). Give her videos of you being silly, funny, downright crazy. She'll watch them forever whenever she needs to be reminded how wonderful her father was. Give her a slice of your life, with lessons include, but do it so that she can hear your narrative. That will live with her for the rest of her life.
My condolences to you. I wish you and your family much joy in the months to come, to be a balance to what you'll face.
There is life beyond geekdom.
An Indian-American Hindu committed to non-violent thought/speech/action alarmed by the global explosion of radical Islam
Urge her to challenge herself. She will have successes that in turn will provide her with justifiable confidence. Such confidence will serve her well as she confronts future unknown challenges. Inevitably, there will also be failures. That is what happens when you try difficult things and the outcome is uncertain. In this case, remind her of the wise words of Lao Tsu, which I discovered in a fortune cookie: "There are no failures, only lessons" You should illustrate these points with anecdotes from your own life. That will make it real and precious to her. Good luck to you, brave Sir!
There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking about. -- John von Neumann
Also, be well rounded. If she is a geek girl, she should be sure to be physically active, eat well, and you know, blah blah blah..
Best to you in your future. All is well and will be so forever.
Dunning Kruger effect
Or more succinctly put by Charles Darwin
"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge: it is those who know little, and not those who know much, who so positively assert that this or that problem will never be solved by science."
I'm posting anonymously myself. I'm 35 and my mom is recovering from stage 4 breast cancer. She's cancer free right now, but her 5 year survival rate is very low (like 15% or so). But you know what kinds of things I thought of when I found out my mom had stage 4 breast cancer? (Some sound stupid if you aren't in that position, but it's something to think about.)
- I had my mom sing Happy Birthday and recorded it. Nice to be able to hear your mom sing happy birthday to you if she isn't around. My family is dorky though, and she sings happy birthday to me on my voicemail if i don't answer the phone on my birthday.
- Recorded us singing some Christmas Carols.
It's the stupid little things that she'll be glad she has.
I also have cancer, leave those behind in as good a financial position as you can, point out the need to balance geek with old fashioned fun like sports or crafts, tell them not to sweat over the small stuff in life. Talk about you not being around and any plans that you are making, don't hide the fact that are going the die, sorry for being blunt, but that's the way that I have done it. Also, don't rely on technology, put stuff in a book that can be read any one at any future time, your grandkids will want to know about you too. Good luck mate.
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Share anecdotes from your past where you learned a life lesson, especially where you made a mistake or bad choice and learned from it. That way it comes across as not so much a morality lecture and more the loving, caring advice you want to share. It provides context. It humanizes you. It makes a bigger impact on her. And it makes a connection from you to her that will endure as she lives her life and raises her children.
"I believe in Karma. That means I can do bad things to people all day long and I assume they deserve it." : Dogbert
I would want my daughter to know who her father is as a person.
There is a great deal about you that your child will remember. But there are clearly stories about yourself that you would never tell a 12 year old girl.
Things like the first time you got drunk, or did something that horrified your parents. Essentially, things that your best friends and wife might know but might not tell your child about.
So tell your kid about the first time you got drunk, but also say why you did that and what you were thinking. Tell you child about the most important decisions you made in your life, and why you made them. Tell your child about your regrets and what you wish you could have done differently. If you have any strong beliefs that are important to you, talk about them and why they are important.
END COMMUNICATION
Among the stories of your life, family and other things, also tell a story of progress. Tell of things that we enjoy today that didn't exist when you were a child. How did those things come to be?
I am very sorry to hear of your impending death and the pain it will bring to your family.
Maybe also tell a cautionary tale for when she is an adult. The world has had dark episodes of history before. And it could again, but on a much larger scale. What lessons can be learned from the past to prevent it happening again?
I'll see your senator, and I'll raise you two judges.
After looking at 252 comments, I don't see anyone talking about any future step-dad, or that the wife may (probably / hopefully) re-marry. Annual / special occasion videos, etc., will inevitably draw contrasts between you and your "replacement." And tear open wounds rather than let them heal. Live for the time you have with both of them now - the future will take care of itself.
"Transparent" is a shit show that trades on every stereotype going. A man in drag is NOT a transsexual.
I know it's not exactly what you're asking, but DNA sequencing is getting cheaper, our ability to understand it is growing, and yet it never occurs to most people to save a DNA sample. At some point, when sequencing becomes cheap enough to do casually (not just for medical purposes) people WILL start to understand its value, and wish someone had saved samples from their ancestors, not just some old photos. It's possible to arrange for the samples to be frozen indefinitely, at low cost, for future sequencing (since current technology is not only expensive, but more importantly, isn't actually capable of reading the entire genome yet).
+1 The nerd in me says how cool would it be to release letters, videos, presents, e-mails, etc after I'm gone. Living from the grave... to torment the living.
My girlfgriend has taken care of her dying father from age 12 to age 25, when he finally died. This broke her youth, and is still, ate age 46. a heavy burden that influences her life daily.
In that light, I think the most important thing you can teach her, is not to be a caretaker for you. And even more important, not letting your wife talk her into becoming one.
Second, Teach her to do as much as she can with her mind . I lived with parents who believed that school is bad for children, and that children should play in mud in stead of going to school. Expecially my mother fought my development every step she got the chance. Because of that, it took me a ludicrous time to graduate. Teach her that school can be a positive influence in her life. That education is a good thing. That if she has the mental ability to enjoy the education she wants, she should definitely not refrain from doing so.
"Science is the belief in the ignorance of experts." -- Richard Feynman.
There is no other single, concise thing I could say that conveys more.
"Consensus" is not science. The history of science has been the history of OVERTURNING consensus. That's what it does best.
I have been seeking wisdom recently, and the best I've heard is:
"Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his justice, and all these [other, necessary] things [like food and clothing] shall be added unto you."
Make sure that your daughter and wife both know that they can leave you behind and still be happy w/o you.
I know that's hard to hear, but there will probably come a time where your wife might meet someone who will want to be a father figure to your daughter. Letting them both know that you are okay with that (in principle) w/o dwelling on specifics, can probably help them lead a happier life than if they constantly felt they would be betraying you by going that route. You won't be there and you cannot anticipate their needs after you are gone (even with piles of money in the bank and family and friends to watch over them who may be eventually too busy with their own nuclear families to adequately keep watch)...
That is if you think you have the courage to broach the subject. In a way, that is the ultimate sacrifice you can make for their happiness, but it's probably harder than cutting off your hand to save your life...
Record a conversation you're having with your friends. We tend to have a way of speaking to our kids that's very different than how we'd speak to our peers. A few recorded conversations with friends, coworkers etc would give your daughter more insight into you as a person and not just as a parent.
This is an amazing list. I only have one thing to add (along the lines of your #10):
12) Tell her about yourself. Your daughter is old enough to remember you, but she isn't old enough to have really gotten to know you. That is something she is bound to be very curious about. She will get information from your wife, your family and friends that are still around, but hearing things directly from you could also be helpful. Tell her about important moments in your life. What were your goals dreams when in high school / college / your 20's. I enjoy talking to my mother and father about their lives, and now that I am in my 30's with my own daughter I have a different perspective.
-- All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. -- Edmund Burke
Tell her that she's not a geek, she's not a nerd, she's a person. That whatever interests and hobbies she has, or chooses to pursue, aren't what define her. That she doesn't need to lock herself into a predefined box.
Vintage computer games and RPG books available. Email me if you're interested.
3) Girls are unfairly subject to society-specific, irrational concepts like having to look a certain way or behave in more rigid patterns. She does not have to follow those patterns unless she wants to.
3a) When women travel outside North America and Western Europe, the latter part of this is less applicable to various degrees. Indeed, in some parts of the world, not adhering strictly to expected female behaviour can be fatal.
I assure you, both sexes are subject to society specific irrational concepts and hormonally driven motives.
I always enjoy hearing my dad tell stories about his life before I was born. Particularly about lessons his dad taught him, good times they had, and the stuff you normally wouldn't tell your kids - like some of the dumb stuff he did as a teenager or in his early 20's. To me it was stuff I could relate to and made him seem more like a human being and not just my "omnipotent" dad. Good luck to you brother.
Life's a bitch and then you die; that's why we get high
Cause you never know when you're gonna go
True story.
I didn't see my dad after I was 8. ... ... from there I got algebra in grade 4, simple electronics physics (eg: what's taught in grade 12 usually) and some more (by asking for an engineer's help through my school) ... and everything with computer science has been relatively obvious.
however he taught me how to use a soldering iron, some basics of wiring and
(and what drove me was making music and radios with electronics...)
Really if you've had a good relationship so far, they're going to have everything else possible - but that's one of the advantages that can enable all kinds of later geekery, if pursued.
Anything that makes doors easier to open in the future helps, really. Good self esteem, good self image, awareness of possibilities and knowledge all do that.
Of course that's the first directive of movie-making, and also of raising kids. They don't listen to what you say, but they sure do watch what you do and that's how you end up rearing them. Any parent who thinks their lecturing matters just isn't paying attention.
So, if you still want to make videos, make them about you and the rest of the family. Show how you are with various people (including your daughter, her mother, your parents, etc), how you approach things & situations, what you're proud of/like/dislike about yourself, etc. The good and the bad or it'll come off fake. Maybe tell some stories that show some of the how & why you're like that. I'm afraid that's about the limit of the medium. Get too preachy and you lose 'em every time. Oh, and keep the segments short... you know where attention spans are heading.
As (I hope) others may have said, make sure you also make some videos for your wife. Help her to be the best Mom she can be. Help her to know what qualities you loved about her. Help build her up, so that she can be there for your daughter when you cannot. Birthdays and anniversaries will likely be the hardest, planned some timed messages for then. I don't know about your religious views, but I believe strongly that the bonds of marriage can last beyond death.
When you have to leave a job or project that you love, you give your all to make sure that it will continue well after you leave. A family is the greatest project any of us will be a part of, and with you passing away your wife will be the sole top administrator. Give her tools for that bad times, when she'll not feel up to the task. Encourage her, let her know that she is wonderful and completely capable. Let her know your approval, gratitude, and love for her.
4) Guys, especially in high school and college, heck many adults, can be driven by hormonally-driven motives. Watch out for hormones combined with lousy environmental circumstances like alcohol, drugs, dark alleys. Guys in high school and college also have immature pre-frontal cortices, resulting in increased impulsiveness. Make sure she has a solid set of friends that help watch out for one another.
Would you say something like this, but about how terrible women are instead? No? Then don't say it about men, either.
Point 3 is hardly unique to girls, too.
Given the number of comments made so far, the odds that the OP will see this (or more than a handful of people, for that matter) is vanishingly small. That said, I laude you for your creativity and insight to do such a thing for your daughter. You might want to do something similar for your wife, as well; I expect she will want to hear encouragement from you, even after you're gone.
My father passed just under a year ago, due to complications from stage-4 Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. There was about 10 days between his diagnosis and when he died; he didn't have a chance to make any specific goodbyes. Admittedly, my situation is different -- I'm cis-male and my father died well after I became a (nominal) adult. However, I can offer suggestions based on what I would have liked to know, and never had the chance to ask. I can also offer some advice based on the efforts my brother and I have had to go through to deal with his papers and documents.
I'd like to have had more records of my extended family and those who came before. My father was a first-generation American, the child of Holocaust Survivors. I don't know that much in the way of specific stories about my family from Europe, or the struggles of leaving, my grandparent's emigration, or similar. I know my father (and uncle) had stories told to him by his parents, though. Few, if any, ever made it past that; I hope my uncle will pass on the verbal record as he best can.
I'd like to have known more about my father's life and who he was. In going through his papers, I've found letters of commendation from Under-Secretary (US Cabinet) level offices about subject I had no idea he had any expertise. I never realized how many patents he had gotten over the years (none of which were software, FWIW), or some of the weird adventures he had. I know he was a prankster when he was in college, but I didn't realize the extent until I found a letter from a college friend that read like an indictment. =)
I'd like to have known more about things he wish he could have done and any regrets he might have had. I know he never visited Israel and wanted to, but little else. I can't right any mistakes he made, but maybe I can make some sort of amends or do things in his memory.
I would like to know what he would have thought of any kids my wife and I might have. I personally regret not telling him that we plan on having kids -- I think he died thinking that my brother and I were the last of our line (My brother has no intention on having kids, only cats).
Give whatever advice you think best. You know your daughter, and while she will change over the years, the best you can do is to be honest and frank. Inevitably she's going to fall; give her your advice on how, somedays, the best thing is to get up and fight back and others it is to eat a pint of ice cream and fight the battle a different day. Someday, someone is going to violate her trust; give advice on both how to rebuild that trust and how to walk away.
Perhaps my strongest piece of advice is don't make videos for specific events. Make videos for types of events, and maybe for different ages. She may or may not ever marry, graduate high school or college, or have children; make videos for days of celebration. She may or may not ever lose a partner or close friend, have a divorce, get into a car accident, or fail a class. Make videos to cheer her up after a bad day and encourage her for future endeavors.
Regardless, make sure you let your personality come through; don't get so caught in the effort that you miss the most important message.
Some advice on the non-video aspects, though. Go through your papers (or files or whatever) and trim them down to what is important and what isn't. I didn't need to find 2 dozen copies of my father's Thesis, or his college notes, much less his stacks of punch cards (... which were unnumbered. There's a special kind of hell for people who don't number their punch card stacks). Nor did I need his collection of square-dancing ribbo
A 'video' I'd do would be very short, and only 2 parts.
1. Be a good person (TM)
2. Don't take crap from anyone.
Anything 'geek related' will quickly be out of date.
And talk to her like you'd talk to an adult. She is only little for a little while. She will soon be 20-25-30
I feel your pain on this journey. Good luck.
When I think of the things that I wish I knew about my family that have passed, I wish I knew more about their life. The struggles they faced, the decisions they made, and the joyous times they had. An important part of those things, though, is the rationale behind decisions and what was learned from the outcome. It's great that I have heard stories about my grandparents, for example, but I have no way to go back and ask why they did what they did or if they, in retrospect, would've made a different decision and how they think that decision would've changed their lives.
It would appear your daughter is smart and it also appear you are being very courageous. Qualities which tell me that, one way or another, eventually, everything will be fine.
The important thing is to spend some time with your daughter. This way she will feel loved, and armed with loads of self worth, there are no challenges she will not be able to face. Wisdom, knowledge, values, I know you already know you can trust her to make the right choices in life.
So time together, just conversations with random subjects, or silly games if she is too young, and loads of smiles and cuddles, moments you may want to record, will most probably be the most valuable use of your time. These videos of your interaction together will be worth a lot more than monologues. It will make your connection real.
If you think there is wisdom that you need to pass on, maybe you should put together a list of books, together with a few lines explaining what you found in them. When your daughter reads these books, she may experience the same emotions you have, and that will bring you together across the time divide.
(I am trying to remember what books influenced me and all I can think is that line where Tintin says to a vengeful Captain Haddock "If we kill them (their attackers) then we would be as bad as them" [The Crab with the Golden Claws]).
Putting that list together should take a lot less time, while capitalising on the skills of the writers and their talent to share knowledge.
Good luck.
Too bad we can't get Steve Job's kids to post what they want to ask of their dad at this point in their lives. The worst part about someone dying is that the dead are never just a phonecall/text/email away (but those questions are about growing up and using you as a crutch). If you already have this much care for your daughter, she's going to turn out just right with what she's already learned from you. Better tell her to stay foolish.
I think many other people have posted very thoughtful and hopefully appropriate/useful ideas for you.
Mine would be this... say to yourself in a Monty Python-esque voice "I'm not dead yet..." and make as many memories as you can with her now, while your body still allows it. If you are financially and physically able, maybe travel with her a bit, but it doesn't have to be something grandiose even -- you know what your daughter would enjoy more than any of us.
2-6 months isn't a lot of time, and I sincerely hope you have more than that -- BUT seriously, carpe diem, I don't mean that to sound as cliched as it does, but really use the time wisely to give her as many good and important memories as you can.
I think the videos are a fine idea, but you will never be able to make enough to cover every situation and milestone she'll reach, or not reach. Helping her to be a strong, healthy, happy, inquisitive, confident, fearless young woman will be your be gift, and knowing she'll 'be ok' might make things a bit better as your time draws near.
Best wishes to you, and I'm sorry you have to deal with this shit. As a parent with a young daughter myself, I can't even fathom what you're going through
'The unexamined life is not worth living' - Socrates
Do some selfies at places she will know in years to come: city and local landmarks, places and things that interest you, not just the local playground where you and she have been.
Digital pics have a date/time stamp, but any printed pics in a book should have a date written on the back and under.
You will be thought about regularly, but make sure that it is always a good memory you are leaving.
Your interests and accomplishments may be of interest to any men in her life; they will more naturally associate with those, so have something to say about your 'man' interests.
Geek credibility: do the Geek Code, and add 'extensions'. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/G...
Explain a man's understanding of love. Link it to how your lady and you got together. Add how you and she decided to have a child. She will need to understand this in order to get a rounded idea of how to choose a man in her life.
(Assuming you can) Write some HTML in a small text file that says some of the important "Dad things" things in a browser. Suggest that she can have this as a remembrance. If she runs it, okay. If not, she'll remember it anyway. Your collective 'geek' will be passed on.
Cry.
Looking at space, radio, science and computing from a 'down-under' amateur enthusiast perspective.
Encourage her to absolutely follow what she loves to do.. And question EVERYTHING.... That is how great thinkers all started their lives.
And what things she will need to hear... Quite Simply I love you and I believe in you...
This package Does Not Contain a Winner
I hope for your experience over the years, we've done right by you as a supportive community, true to the geek spirit. Tell your daughter we welcome her inquisitive mind as much as we've always done so for all geeks everywhere. Let her know the guys and gals here would like nothing more than to nurture and guide her as she grows and develops into a person of consequence. We are a poor substitute for the love and devotion of a living father. But we can do nothing less.
Stay sentient. Don't drink bad milk.
Critical thinking, the scientific method, problem solving skills, the confidence to question things, and an awe and curiosity about the world...
These are the things I would want to leave my child with. Along with love, of course, but from your post it is very clear you already have that covered.
I also have memories of my father from a younger perspective. I too would like to learn more about him from my perspective now, to ask questions and have conversations i would not have as a child. However... perhaps the fuzzy memories of a child are more flattering and leave the adult mind with some wonder compared with the more lucid and analytical memories created by your present self.
My dad is quite creative and technical in a variety of ways, he shared some of that with me when i was young, that provided great inspiration for me and gave me some happy memories of the time i spent with him. The silly thing is that he's still alive... but has always lived far away, now further than ever in an isolated part of another country above the clouds (literally not metaphorically).
I guess the nugget of wisdom to be extracted from this is: memories are good, so spend your time and effort being together. The better the time and the stronger the emotion - the more potent and lasting the memory will be.
Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted is a solid resource.
Background: My heart is in education. One of my passions is sustainable transportation. I've only ever worked in the public sector and with non-profits. I don't ever want to be paid more than $75k/year for my work because I believe that true civil servants should only take what they need (with need being definable individually).
Kurt Vonnegut's book "God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater" spoke to me rather intensely. In that book, the main character, Mr. Rosewater, is so admired by the town of loonies in which he volunteers, that he was asked to baptize a set of twins. These were Mr. Rosewater's words to the babies: “Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies- 'God damn it, you've got to be kind.' ”
I know that the world is not full of kind people. It's full of people. Many are just scared. Some are mean. Most are kind, but too timid to show it. But I think we could slowly create a better world full of kindness if we actually attempted to instill kindness in our children from a young age.
Suggestion #1: Advise that she defaults to kindness. No, kindness will not always be immediately appreciated, so also advise that she assume that her kindness will be appreciated at some point and to take solace in that it will beneficially affect the person regardless of immediate observation.
Suggestion #2: Advise that sometimes she accept failure and always admit fault. It was a hard-learned lesson in life that sometimes, I fail. Coming to terms with being imperfect is one of the great life lessons. Remind her that to always learn from failure and commit to improvement. Along the same lines, I found that life was much less stressful and my relationships much more rewarding and after I learned to admit fault. "I erred. Here's what I did wrong. I'm sorry. Here's how I plan to be better." Getting into the habit of admitting fault where it's due (even slightly) requires that one be vulnerable... but it also makes others feel safe in vulnerability. When people together learn to admit fault and flaws, they are more accepting, forgiving, and open to change.
Suggestion #3: Advise that in an industry (STEM) still dominated by males, females are frequently uncomfortable with what passes as normal social standards. The worst way to influence change in these situations, with fellow male geeks, is by attack. Geek guys have been attacked their whole lives and when they finally are amongst other geek guys, they finally get to feel safe. Attacking that safety by denigrating the person and demanding change instantly instead of considerately request changes in behavior over time is unwise. We see this most immediately with with the entire GamerGate fiasco where everyone looks like assholes regardless of side or intent. Remember: EVERYONE is insecure and a request for change is frequently seen as an attack. You must be gentle and you must be kind if you want to genuinely affect long-term change.
After my siblings and I lost our mom prematurely, the thing that we have struggled with the most is missing all the stories she had in her head... about our early years, of course, but also about different stages of things in our lives - sequences of events, or tales of lesser-known relatives. Happy memories of us that she had & liked to recall... Silly stores that made *her* laugh... that warmed *her* heart... We will never be able to get those now that she's passed over. We've been able to reconstruct some details between us, but HER stories - anything she never wrote down - are gone forever now.
I humbly suggest to not be a "Dad" and "tell" her stuff, but instead share the stuff that makes you happy & joyful to have known her & cared for her while you did.
And,.. you have my condolences, you are in a difficult situation. All the best to you and yours..
Fully agree with point 12!
You shouldn't try to tell her what she has to do - you can't predict what she will face anyway.
Tell her instead what she will likely want to hear from you, that nobody else could tell her: about you, your life, your past, your setbacks, your delights, your thoughts, your fears - anything!
Something that I did not understand until much later in life, that was ingrained in me by my parents in several ways over the years immediately came to mind.
Respect yourself.
It seems simple and is often overlooked, but I have found it to be worth while. The people in my life that I can honestly trust, respect themselves. This ends up showing through in their work ethic, their moral choices, their relationships, and even interactions with strangers. I've noticed that they even interact with people on social media in a unique and positive way. By having self respect, they show a respect towards others, no matter what the circumstances. Others that I have known in my life that tend to be less conscious of those around them eventually show tendencies of counter productivity to even self destruction, and a lack of self respect. My best, lifelong friends have a stability to them and show compassion and empathy to everything that comes into their lives. Their own self respect impacts all that this world brings before them, and it is amazing to observe.
I hope my few words can be of use to you, and I wish your time with your wife and daughter be of the best quality.
If you want to look to a 'geeky' principle as a guide to living life, look no further than the Robustness Principe - treat others with patience and tolerance, and anything you do, do it right.
Vs lbh pna ernq guvf, ybt bss abj. Tb bhgfvqr. Syl n xvgr.
Also if you have an indoor skydiving facility near you, I'd take her to do that and spring for the video. I'd say 6-10 minutes each. You may as well keep experiencing new stuff up until you die, and it's quite memorable. Hell if I was you I'd go on a tandem skydive too. What have you got to be afraid of at this point? And maybe a hot air balloon ride, too. You'd be surprised how easy it is to find a hot air balloon pilot in a given area, and that's something you can take the entire family to do. Knock out that bucket list and make some memories for everyone!
I'm trying to teach myself to set people on fire with my mind... Is it hot in here?
Doctors told me when I developed Atrial Fibrillation at 34 years old that I would have to be on beta blockers/anti-arrhythmia meds, statins, and anticoagulants the rest of my life. I told them thanks for the diagnosis, I'll take care of the cure myself.... and I did. My point is, cures happen every day. They do not come from the medical cartel / hospital setting. How bad do you want to live? If you truly want to live, and will do absolutely anything to get your health back... walk away from your cancer doctors who have condemned you to die, and listen carefully to what I'm about to say. This post will be heavily criticized by paid shills, people who work for the medical industry, and general deniers that don't believe in natural healing. I won't bother reading their posts, because this is for YOU. 1. You didn't get sick overnight, and the cure will also not happen overnight. (3-6 months is typical to start feeling better, 18-24 months is typical to recover almost completely, but you'll need to be committed to the plan the rest of your life.) Pancreatic cancer usually takes 15-20 years of growth before people detect they have it. You are at the tail end, so you need to go into survival mode and do a complete about-face to have a chance at reviving your organs. 2. Stop poisoning your body. Both your mind, your soul, and your body need cleansing immediately. If it doesn't grow in dirt or swim in the sea, don't put it in your mouth. If it's not "living", or pure mineral water, do not consume it. You and your wife take turns Googling and researching the works of Max Gerson (Gerson Therapy), Dr Linus Pauling, Dr. Stanislaw (Stan) Burzynski. Read about Ozone therapy, Laetrile, IV-C (Intravenous Vitamin C), etc. If it's been label "quackery", GREAT it means you're on to something. Learn how to juice fresh organic vegetables... go easy on the fruit, they contain fructose which is sugar and sugar feeds cancer. 3. Never put a piece of refined/processed ANYTHING in your mouth at least for the next 24 months. You want to live? Don't do it. 4. Restore your colon health, read about the Gerson Therapy and if you have the means, perhaps visit the clinic to get properly educated. If not, learn to do the coffee enemas by following their protocol and work with a local Functional Medicine/Holistic medicine practitioner in your area to make sure you are detoxing properly, and getting enough of the restorative nutrients in diet or supplement form. When I got sick the medical cartel took me for over $30k and I was QUICKLY going downhill. I felt like my body had about 2 weeks worth of fight left. I took 3 months off from my career to get my health back and I found a local Functional Medicine physician to help me fill in the knowledge gaps. Total cost, $2500 after testing and supplements and I was quickly getting my health back. Start here and search in your area: https://www.functionalmedicine... . I spent 60 hours a week educating myself, and working on my health during those months. It was that important. 5. Your mind is crucial in winning this fight. Get at least 8 hours sleep every night, no matter what for the next several months. When you wake up, start your day by planting your feet outside (climate permitting) and getting some full morning sun for 15-20 minutes. Go barefoot in your house w/o socks if you can't go outside, and open up the blinds to let the sun inside. The sun's rays will help you get Vitamin D, and provide warmth and energy. Do some deep diaphragmatic breathing in the morning, and at least every 2 hours throughout the day.... google it if you've never done it. It will help your autonomic nervous system, and feed your cells the oxygen they desperately need. At the first sign of tension, find a quiet spot in your house or office to lay flat on the floor arms at your side for 5 minutes of proned out diaphragmatic breathing and deep relaxation. If you can't lay down, do it standing up with some long stretches... yoga poses can be cre
Encourage her to learn from books from other ages, not just our own. Even if they would be considered offensive today.
$whatever_year_it_happenes_to_be does not have a monopoly on wisdom.
Alongside many of the excellent suggestions already made, I would say tell her some things about your wife, from your perspective. As a single parent, your wife will need to be the voice of authority in her life and there are almost certainly going to be conflicts in their future. Some insight about your wife from your point of view may help during the more difficult times, by humanizing her and reminding your daughter that even when it feels that they have nothing in common, they had a common thread in your love.
I don't think you can give her any advice on her future life. Seriously, you have no clue what she might be going through when she's 16, and little you can say now will be relevant to her. You don't want to leave her with a legacy of useless advice.
Instead, do what my father in law did - he was in much the same position as you when his grandkids were being born. He knew he would not live to see them get out of diapers.
So he spent the last 2-3 years of his life documenting his life and family history, with photos and personal stories of failure, loss, success, joys, sorrows, and tributes.
Those 3 albums are an incredible insight into his life, and the life of his family that would otherwise be lost. It's a great document that will let your daughter get to know you when you're gone. It's an unbelievable gift he left us.
Parent posted much of what I was going to say, so +1 from me
Tell her all about yourself. I am blessed to still have my father and mother around, but I still don't know enough about their lives. Make a mini-autobiography for her. Be detailed or stick to the highlights, whatever your style is. As you get this all out, you will also reveal who you are, and she will read and re-read it in years to come.
I encourage you to be open and honest about your mistakes. A lot of people want to cover them up and forget, take them to their grave. I was in my mid 40s before I really understood the problems my parents had faced... and how these were the same problems I was facing, and how much my actions were learned/inherited unconsciously from my dad. Learning this has been incredibly valuable to me, perhaps my most important life lesson ever. So share not just the good parts about you... share your pain, your failures, your hard won lessons. Love her enough not to hide from her.
For sensitive things, put them in letters and entrust them to your wife, to reveal at an appropriate time.
But spend time with her, all the time you can. Not on outings and vacations, but quality time. Talk. Interact. Hug her often. Laugh together. Get sleeping bags and have a slumber party with her, stay up talking and tickling and whispering - that is so much fun for kids, and so memorable. If you get the opportunity, sleep outdoors and count shooting stars. Spending quality time with your daughter is also one of the finest gifts you can give your wife.
Here's a thought: if you are going to make a video, do at least some of it with her, interactively. Put the whole family in the video. She will certainly have questions, and that gives you a chance to answer them, and gives your wife an opportunity to add perspective.
If you can, take some real pictures on old fashioned paper. They last forever, and can be taken anywhere. Digital formats do become obsolete, and media can be damaged.
Give thought to eternity and your soul, and consider that it may not only benefit you but be a comfort to your family.
One addition/suggestion:
Pull out an old album and give her some nearly forgotten memories that aren't told in your photos. What your father told you on your wedding day, your graduation, the birth of your first child. Common stuff that she otherwise won't know. The story behind that silly hat that ended up in all of your wedding photos. Relay some personal memories about the people around you on the important days who you've long since lost track of.
Think back on anything that took you awhile to learn, or that cost you dearly to do so. Managing money, credit, relationships, how to study, when to take a break.
Make sure she knows that pushing is as important as rest. To pursue whatever she loves with abandon, and to keep experimenting until she finds it.
You will save her a boat load of time. Also healthy ways to manage stress, there are alot of assholes around, and the more effectively you can deal with them the better.
Also a good definition of love wouldn't hurt, our society seems to mix family, romantic, friendship, and lust all under the same word. I personally like Ayn Rand's definition the best.
From the author:
There are two aspects of man’s existence which are the special province and expression of his sense of life: love and art.
I am referring here to romantic love, in the serious meaning of that term—as distinguished from the superficial infatuations of those whose sense of life is devoid of any consistent values, i.e., of any lasting emotions other than fear. Love is a response to values. It is with a person’s sense of life that one falls in love—with that essential sum, that fundamental stand or way of facing existence, which is the essence of a personality. One falls in love with the embodiment of the values that formed a person’s character, which are reflected in his widest goals or smallest gestures, which create the style of his soul—the individual style of a unique, unrepeatable, irreplaceable consciousness. It is one’s own sense of life that acts as the selector, and responds to what it recognizes as one’s own basic values in the person of another. It is not a matter of professed convictions (though these are not irrelevant); it is a matter of much more profound, conscious and subconscious harmony.
Many errors and tragic disillusionments are possible in this process of emotional recognition, since a sense of life, by itself, is not a reliable cognitive guide. And if there are degrees of evil, then one of the most evil consequences of mysticism—in terms of human suffering—is the belief that love is a matter of “the heart,” not the mind, that love is an emotion independent of reason, that love is blind and impervious to the power of philosophy. Love is the expression of philosophy—of a subconscious philosophical sum—and, perhaps, no other aspect of human existence needs the conscious power of philosophy quite so desperately. When that power is called upon to verify and support an emotional appraisal, when love is a conscious integration of reason and emotion, of mind and values, then—and only then—it is the greatest reward of man’s life.
I art more snarky, and terse than thou. I art Slashdot!
Bullies are the flip side to good values. They come at you all sizes shapes and methods. All they want to do is challenge your values and tear you down to their level. You can't do this you're a girl. You can't do that you're a wimp. You cant do this because I can pick on you. I'm going to pick on you just for spite. I am going to stand between you and your goals just to make you miserable.
Your daughter will have to learn to stand up for herself more than she expected to at her age. Bullies like to prey on the apparently weak and defenseless - children losing a parent fit right into that category.
She has to know that being willing to speak up for herself, and being willing to ask for help when things are beyond her control are good skills to develop and use. Bullies can only be dealt with by standing up to them and forcing them to back down. Any type of appeasement action against a bully only encourages them.
Be careful of approved authority figures as well. They can act as bullies as well, just with tacit approval that people find difficult to challenge because they are the approved authority.
Architectural plans are like computer source code with a couple of differences: You only compile once.
My bit of advice is to tell her that when it comes to love and long term partners: When considering marrying someone (or some other form of potentially life long commitment), take a serious moment to consider the possibility of past loves unexpectedly entering your life in the future. Can you answer that if that past love showed up and begged you to return to them, would you consider it seriously? If the answer is yes, don't get married. The current prospect is not a life long match for yourself.
perhaps look at recording videos for key life moments like graduating HS/ graduating university / getting her first proper job / getting married - all important aspects of all our lives and ones which I am sure she'll especially wish you were there with her to celebrate in the joy besides that perhaps just one detailing the condition you have and how you don't want her to dwell on your untimely death and let it eat her up or hold her back (easily done and lots do!)how you're proud of her, and wish you were there but just sadly wasn;'t possible
My father once wrote a 2 pages biography of him, I thought it was very interesting and allowed me know him better.
Write about when she was born and other significant events involving her.
Just make it short and quick, your time is better spent with your family.
Death.
We are born helpless, we require lots of attention.
When we die, the same happens.
Gradually you will become a child again. You will become bed ridden, infirm and for a brief while rely on others in the same way you did as a child.
Each path we take when we come and go, the stuff that makes it all worthwhile is at the end and beginning.
It makes the stuff in between bearable.
Got Geometrodynamics? Awe, too hard to figure out? Too bad.
1). Question EVERYTHING 2). Question authority 3). Elaborate on how to do #2 responsibly but also stress its importance for the rights of humanity 4). Tell her to push for self-betterment & happiness, through whatever path she may choose 5). If she succeeds, tell her she's responsible for at least trying to help better humanity, another species, or life in general
Give her confidence.
Instead of telling her who she should be -or how she should think- mention the qualities that you see in her, and inspire her to build on those. Do not tell her what to build though, one can not foresee outcomes.
Give her confidence. Record your support and believe in her.
+
Ask for teamwork.
Another thing that comes to mind - is that in case your wife and/or daughter have arguments you won't be there to calm the situation or negotiate. I'm sure they'll experience a lot of stress when you're not around, but they could use your comfort. Intentions matter. Instill both parties with the motivation and will to corporate, no matter how tough the times may be.
Hivemind harvest in progress..
I believe the best you can do for her (on the videos) is to show her who you are, tell her your experiences and your values. She will make it from there.
Good luck for you and your family and make the most of this time with them.
I was a year old when my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. At the time he worked at a hospital where they later named an auditorium in his honor; at his first diagnosis they gave him two to four weeks to live. After six months he removed his oxygen mask to die.
So here's my first suggestion: Don't record hours and hours and hours and hours of video. It'll be like the wedding movie no one watches, or the thousands of baby pictures no one looks at. Pick your favorite photos, have them printed into a hardcover book with iPhoto, and write down who is in them, what the event was, and why it's important to you.
My dad recorded about a twenty or thirty minute message to me on reel-to-reel tape. I sent it to a professional sound engineer to have it digitized a few years ago. I've probably listened to it three times in thirty-five years. I didn't understand it as a kid but it was amazing to hear his voice.
Every night until I was three years old I slept with a picture of my dad. At some point we accept and progress.
So, here I am as an adult and I have basically a couple items that were my father's: 1) The patch from his Air Force uniform with my surname. 2) In my bedroom, an 8x10 family picture with the three of us. 3) A shoebox with all the letters his mother sent him from the farm in the 1960s and 1970s. 4) That half-hour of him talking into a microphone, imagining his one-year-old as an adult and telling me to "find a beautiful girl and marry her."
No one cares about your material possessions when you're dead. Don't worry about sorting all your old possessions. Fill a small box with the most important items for your family and write down why they're important. And be realistic. I care immensely about the collar my dog had when she was a puppy; to anyone else it's a frayed blue ribbon for the trash can. My maternal uncles have spent a decade looking for my grandfather's original pilot's license from the 1930s with little concern for anything else he possessed; it's the records of achievements and milestones we cherish. I hope my college degree doesn't get tossed in the trash but expect every single one of my books will be quickly donated and destroyed, no matter how important that Oxford Dictionary or human anatomy textbook is to me.
So, all that aside: Your child has the advantage of knowing you today. So look back at your own life and the major events you cherish, and tell her about those. "The day I met your mother... so when you meet someone..." or "The day you were born was so important to me because... so when you have children..." Don't tell her about dating boys or finding a good job or reading books or traveling. Everyone figures that out on their own. Tell her about how important family is to you, and your connection to her future and her family as she experiences the wonder of life. Don't talk to her like a sixth-grader, you do that everyday already. Talk to her like she's 25 or 30 or your age. She'll understand your words when she needs to look back and understand.
Something positive can happen from the misfortune that has come upon your family. I understand life is precious because my father died when he was forty-two. So I've lived my life as if that's my expiration date: I've lived in New York City and Los Angeles. I've travelled to five continents. I've learned to sail. I've studied flight. I ride horses. I have a dog. I've spent well over a decade living at the beach because that's what I want. Every day is a gift and I live it like it's vacation. So many people have these simple plans: "When I retire, I'm going to the Grand Canyon and on a cruise around the Mediterranean." I learned from the death of my father to, well, it's a cliche, but seize the day. Do everything you want to do without fear because you might not ever get a chance. So consider your daughter might live a life greater than either one of you imagined only last year. Yes, it hurts you'll be apart. But I'd probably still be among cornfields without my tragedy propelling me forward.
A
I really wish my dad had talked to me about girls. Not the birds and the bees bit, but about how girls and boys are both the same: afraid to get their feelings hurt, unsure how relationships should progress, often hurtful to others by accident. He could have explained that the easiest way to let someone know you like them is to smile and say "Hi" every time you see them. To not be afraid of physical contact like dancing or holding hands. That even if you say or do the wrong thing, make an embarrassing mistake, if the other person likes you they'll still like you afterwards. That a good first date involves just spending time together talking and getting to know one another (and that I should therefore avoid movies for a first date!) It took me years to figure that stuff out, and looking back I can see a dozen points in my life where a simple explanation from my dad could have opened my eyes and saved me grief. Thankfully my wife recognized that I was clueless the moment we met, and simply told me how she felt.
A recursive sig
Can impart wisdom and truth
Call proc signature()
Firstly, I'm sorry for your illness and your daughter's impending loss. It must be rough.
Whatever you do, I would ensure that your daughter's mother (or significant person) has the ability and the right to view what you've recorded or written and decide whether to show it to your daughter at a particular time.
The issue is that you can't make the judgement in the present as to what effect your words will have on your daughter in the future - and that effect may be unintentionally negative.
There was a This American Life episode where a parent did this: recorded messages for every birthday and significant event. The rule was that they were just for the child and weren't pre-viewed by anybody else. Over the years, the messages started to be viewed with a bit of dread. They talked about the parent's expectations for a particular future direct - which were not met by the child who, unsurprisingly, was finding their own path in life.
There's a lot of interesting and useful advice in this thread. Frankly, if it were me (may it never be me!) I would probably try and give her as good an experience *right now* as I could. Build those memories and leave lots of photos, videos, writing, etc.
Hell, that's probably good advice even when you're not dieing.
Tell her that she is loved, share your life stories, and share with her what made you happy and joyful.
Above all, this is the most important thing to tell her, tell her she is loved and is worthy of being loved.
The rest she must figure out herself.
Doubt you'll be reading this after so many great comments, but if it hasn't been said already, making videos of just ordinary topics would be wonderful. Imagine in years and years from now your daughter watching you talk about the things that bugged you that day or the things that made your day or anything in general that come to mind. It's those little things that are the glue of the great things and make such a difference. All the best to you and your family. You are doing a wonderful thing.
Share your story with her, and moments from your life. Even the banal. Wisdom is learning from the mistakes of others, so give her the gift of your mistakes. But also share the successes in your life, as that will help her build her identity, since we see ourselves in the images of the people around us. May the rest of your life be more joy than pain.
I might recommend a copy of Carl Sagan's Sci-Fi book Contact; a small reminder that, no matter what, you'll be there for her in spirit.
Tell her about the Good News:
Romans 3:23
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
Romans 6:23
For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Romans 8:1
There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.
Romans 10:9
that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
Romans 10:13
For "whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved."
-- I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
Lots of great suggestions in this thread. Thank you for posting the inquiry. The one thing I haven't seen addressed (except indirectly) is how to strike an appropriate balance between the rationality and open inquiry of science, and spirituality. I firmly believe this is not an either/or tradeoff. You might consider referring her to Feynman, or Sagan, or a book I used long ago in college called "The Way of the Scientist" (don't know the author/editor) that has interviews with well known scientists. In our anti-scientific time, the commitment to evidence-based inquiry as the way of finding truth about the physical universe needs to be encouraged. I was lucky enough to have a father who lived into his mid-80's. To the end, there was nothing that delighted him more than finding a new way of thinking about how the world (and people!) worked -- as long as the new framework did a better, more complete job of explanation and prediction than what his previous understanding, no matter how firmly held it was. But we still need spirituality to assign meaning to what we figure out, and I readily admit that there are important dimensions of life that we do not (yet?) know how to address with scientific habits of mind.
What a poignant topic ... what should I share with my daughter about life as I am leaving? I like the idea of the videos. Reminisce, share hopes, lessons learned, love. I appreciated the movie "P.S. I Love You" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt04... Live well, love well, and laugh a lot ... whether the life is long or short, may it be full and joyous! Be encouraged, Friend, and live well!
There are a lot of details you should handle, legal and otherwise.
Look at * diesmart.com * It provides the most information and the best roadmap. Created by a friend and a wonderful lady who went through it all with her mother. You can die knowing you didn't leave anything unresolved.
My mother had a "burial" policy and specified that she be cremated and the remainder used for a family celebration. My sister did the same. Throw your own farewell party!
My sister died rather unexpectedly last year. She was the oldest in the family, six years my senior and had many family stories that are now lost. The one thing I had planned to last summer was to visit her and record those stories. Now they are lost and I am the one with the most family stories.
In any case, video is now easy to do and I urge you to record your family stories and your memories. If you have the writing discipline, do a journal. If you have siblings or other relatives,you might ask for their help. I think that if you do that, you will say everything you need to say. I'd let your family see them before you go.
A little genealogy might fill in some blanks. There are 14 family history libraries around the country usually next to an LDS temple.
"If lie has meaning, then death has meaning as death ends life!" - Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
yes and....
Update family photos. Label who her (great--xxx) grandparents are. Take out that felt marker and write on the back of old photos. If you have siblings or cousins - they can help when she gets older. How many times have you been at a family event and somebody asks "who is that?" in some old photo. This allows for some history.
Also - I'd make it known to both my wife and children that it is okay to move on. That there may be somebody else in the future - and that is okay. That person will help guide in his own way - taking over where I left off. Not a replacement - but don't ignore that person simply because he isn't me (you).
...The Singularity is Near. As for you my friend, death is the completion of the natural circle of life. I wish you godspeed. I will be following shortly.
Dear Microlimp: I give you 2 valid product keys for win7 and you reject both of them. Piss off you wankers!!!
Teach her that until we individually deal with death we cannot adequately deal with life.
First off, bummer dude. Good luck with the time you have left.
The only big lesson I ever instilled in my daughter, and I think it stuck, is that everything in life that you want has a cost. It may not be money - in lots of cases it isn't (my daughter's Field Hockey championships and ROTC scholarship for instance) - but there is a cost to everything. Figure out what the cost is, and if you want whatever it is enough to pay that cost - do that, and life is simple.
The other I got from someone else - at some point EVERYONE becomes an orphan. When you can understand and accept that, you at least know you are not alone in your loss - sooner or later everyone has it.
Good luck - god bless
Or just America's poverty.
Oh sheesh, I didn't expect to come across a Slashdot post that would make me cry. This is embarrassing, I'm at my desk at work!
As a father of six children (ages 4 through 19), I recommend not focusing on your daughters career. If she chooses something different, how will your video messages come across?
If I were in your shoes, recording videos for her life events, I would share similar experiences from my own life, share memories, and try to give advice on making choices that will lead to the best outcomes. For example, when she turns sixteen, I would share a bunch of snippets from my own life as a sixteen-year-old, what it was like, what things I did that were good, and what were mistakes.
Wishing you all the best. Hard to see my stupid screen now. Sheesh.
--- wad
All the advice here is wonderful and I'm sure you've got lots to think about. Some of the "only the core values!" advice is great but don't follow to closely.
Don't forget to share who you are as a father, a friend and another flawed, imperfect wonderful human being.
Talk about the first time you saw your wife. How you figured out she was the one. Talk about the most embarassing thing you ever did or experienced. The best thing. Even the times you were a pretty shitty human being. Why you loved your hobbies. How being a teenager sucks goat nuts for everyone at some point. How finding really good friends gets you through not just the teen years but your whole life. Your favourite travels or even wistful thoughts about places you've never and can't now.
Your daughter will use all these stories to help build her own model of the world around her and her own model for living. Some of the best things she might do just from the examples above are to have a better idea of what love might feel like and to travel to that mountain or ocean that you always wanted to visit and she'll take you there in her heart.
But if you haven't already done so you may want to read Never Fear Cancer Again by Raymond Francis. I can't guarantee you it will help you but according to the author his advice did save his terminally ill brother who had advanced prostate cancer. So I can give you a maybe that will be worth trying. Im not in any way affiliated with the author or with any company selling his books. I've read some of his works to help me with my arthritis which seems to be going well. I'm just hoping it can help you too. From Never be sick again: Cancer may be the most feared of all diseases, but like all so-called diseases, it is nothing more than malfunctioning cells. Restore those cells to normal function and the cancer will disappear. Modern medicine’s dangerous treatments have failed to put a dent in our cancer epidemic. Meanwhile, alternative methods have been clinically proven to reverse cancer. Good resources include the Definitive Guide to Cancer by Diamond, Cowden, and Goldberg, published by Future Medicine Publishing. Another resource is Beating Cancer with Nutrition by Patrick Quillin. For specific suggestions regarding alternative treatment options, consult with People Against Cancer. [ http://www.peopleagainstcancer... ] By becoming a paid member, they will provide information about treatment options through an International Physicians Network that reviews your medical records and provides specific recommendations. In addition, People Against Cancer provides a wide range of educational materials of interest to people with cancer. For more information go to www.beyondhealth.com and click on the links page or call 800-250-3063. In any case: I wish you and your family the best of luck.
First of all, my deepest sympathies to you and your family. As someone who has seen first hand the speed to which pancreatic cancer manifests itself, my heart goes to you. Let your daughter know that you will always be there for her. That she is the product of you and your wives love. That she is smart, beautiful and has a keen mind. That all problems have a solution, but there are many solutions yet to be discovered. Let her know that her talents have merit. That she should do good, be good, and strive to help others as well as herself. That there will be perils along the way as she grows up, but that her character is in she should always do the right thing even when no one is looking. That being a good communicator and an even better listener can be more than she ever imagined. Godspeed.
Stop thinking about some wisdoms or even worse knowledge. Tell her, you always loved her.
Determination is more important than talent. I always had a lot of natural talent so a lot of things were easy for me. I expected things to always be easy. They weren't. I got frustrated easily. Make sure she doesn't think she can glide through life on talent alone. Minimize the role of talent, emphasize determination.
Teach her to determine who she wants to be and then be determined to be that person regardless of critics, naysayers, or the status quo.
Teach her to determine who can help her reach her goals and then be determined to convince them to help her. Due to my natural talents, ALL of my teachers just assumed that I would be fine with no help. This left me clueless about anything that wasn't in a book. Now, I read a lot of books so I knew a lot of stuff, but there aren't books about how to get other project members to do their share our even what to do when they won't. No books about getting into grad school really tell you what you really need to know. She will need mentors. She should be determined to find them. Independence is great but help is better.
Finally, tell her not to be afraid to use your death to get the help she needs. She can say, "If my dad were still alive, he would help me with this. But he died last year, so can you help me with this?" If that's what it takes to get people to help her, she should do it. However, she should be determined to do all the actual work on her own. Guidance is good. Getting people to do her work for her is bad.
Take some time and be honest with her. .... never enough notice.
Stuff happens, no notice, lots of notice
Make sure she knows that you have spoken with
and trust her mother in all things.
Keep it simple and while you are living live.
Take care...
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't. Mark Twain.
Don't "tell" her anything unless it's just stories about you and your family and how you felt about things and about her. She your hopes and dreams. She'll want to know you better even though you're gone. That's the sort of thing she'll look to for insights in the decades ahead of her... And each passing decade will allow her own experience to see, anew, meaning in your words.
Only boring people are ever bored.
Guide her to be well-acquainted with three distinct kinds of everything. Subjects to study, fields of application, languages to speak, religions to understand, cultures to absorb. Everything else above and desirable will be a by-product of her awareness.
to show your daughter who YOU are. It IS about you - you're not going to teach her more than you can by showing her your true self. Be careful as you are obviously going through a traumatic time. Dance, sing, eat, drink - with her and Mum. Best wishes, see you there!
There has been a lot of success using viruses to target and kill cancer.
I encourage you to watch the new documentary that recently aired on HBO, called "Killing Cancer":
https://www.youtube.com/watch?...
If you can't get into a clinical trial, I would encourage you to find a reason, any excuse possible, to get a vaccine (measles, smallpox, rabies, etc).
Regarding your your daughter, I would teach her to avoid the "land mines" in life: financial (debt), health (smoking, drinking excessively, drugs), and emotional (avoiding toxic people).
Good luck.
I know I'm late to the party here, but as a father I have a few things to share:
If she doesn't already, get her a savings account that she can manage, to learn about the value of money and preparedness. Tell her that she has free will, that everything not a fact is a choice, and that she has the power to chose, and that giving up that power is also a choice. So she doesn't need to buy-in to social "norms" or authoritarian stereotypes that are designed to limit her power because of her gender. If she can do that, she won't need to depend upon anyone else other than herself to make her way in this world.
On the other hand, she needs to know that no one is going to live her life for her, so she needs to have a plan, the will to carry it out, and the discipline to see it to the end despite the obstacles, hard work, or long hours. Anything worth having is worth working and fighting for, so she is going to need not just goals, but ideals, concepts she has enthusiasm and passion for to help carry her to her goals. As other have said, altruism, good morals, and a just being a nice person is going to help a lot. People are so much more inclined to help or at least be nice to someone who is polite and shows even the minimal kindness. Finally, explicitly tell her she needs to learn from your example, and to give of herself to others; family first and then on from there. To put another's need ahead of your own is one of the greatest acts of kindness we can manage, so it needs to be exercised judiciously, but sincerely.
I admire how you are handling this, and best of luck to you and your family making the most of the time you have.