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Ask Slashdot: What's The Worst IT-Related Joke You've Ever Heard?
dryriver writes:
In just about any field of employment -- whether you're a 3D artist, a pastry chef or a lawyer -- there's an abundance of jokes related to the profession, or to situations commonly encountered during that profession. Some are pretty good, some so-so, and some are very, very bad.
What I want to know is, what are the absolute WORST computer or IT related jokes you've either heard from someone, found on the internet or possibly even invented yourself? And since this is Slashdot, feel free to throw in science-related jokes as well, provided that they are just as bad as the computer or IT jokes.
Leave your best answers in the comments. What's the worst IT (or science)-related joke you've ever heard?
What I want to know is, what are the absolute WORST computer or IT related jokes you've either heard from someone, found on the internet or possibly even invented yourself? And since this is Slashdot, feel free to throw in science-related jokes as well, provided that they are just as bad as the computer or IT jokes.
Leave your best answers in the comments. What's the worst IT (or science)-related joke you've ever heard?
If you don't watch your kerning, you'll end up keming
Windows 10
What's The Worst IT-Related Joke You've Ever Heard?
Pretty much anything Ajit Pai says to justify the eradication of net neutrality.
He looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.
I wish end-user was a command!
X = -([squareroot] [infinity]) X = (i^2 * [infinity]) or (-1 * [infinity]) X = "A Black hole"
What's "pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?
It's a parroty error.
"Hello Compaq? I bought a PC from you but I didn't order this coffee mug holder."
"I'm sorry, did you say 'coffee mug holder'? We do not offer such an accessory."
"Yes, my PC came with the coffee mug holder that flashes a little light and then pops out the front when I push this little button."
I deny that I have not avoided attaining the opposite of that which I do not want.
"I like telling UDP jokes because I don't care if you don't get them."
Or the TCP variant:
" You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
[...]"
making my code simpler by cutting down on the number of boolean literals I used. Turns out it was a false economy.
From http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/96/Jun/nosmoke.html
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into
the AUTOEXEC.BAT that will take care of this.
Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with
this problem.
Customer: I know that there is something that I can put in...
some command... maybe it should go into the
CONFIG.SYS.
[After a few minutes of going round and round]
Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there
is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you
can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add
the last line as C:DOSNOSMOKE and reboot your
computer.
[Customer does this]
Customer: It is still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for
a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had
heard the last of this guy but NO... he calls back
four hours later]
Service Rep: Hello Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply
is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need
to get a new one. I was wondering, where can I get it
done and how much it will cost..
Surely a Tolkien Ring, no?
From bash.org (hopefully the formatting is preserved).
#962213 +(451)- [X]
"Hi, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I will tell you a TCP joke."
"Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I am about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, has 2 characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline."
"OK, I am ready to get the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has 2 characters, does not have a setting, and ends with a punchline."
"I'm sorry, your connection has been timed out."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
I'm a minority race. Save your vitriol for white people.
to To other side. get the
Why did the multithreaded chicken cross the road?
other to side. To the get
echo -e 'global _start\n _start:\n mov eax, 2\n int 80h\n jmp _start' > a.asm; nasm a.asm -f elf; ld a.o -o a;
No it isn't. The parity of both seven and eight is the same:
Eight in binary = 1000, containing an odd number of 1s
Seven in binary = 0111, also containing an odd number of 1s
The set up should be "What goes pieces of nice, pieces of nine", as:
Nine in binary = 1001, containing an even number of 1s
10 types perhaps ;-)
Two CPU's walk into a bar. Cpu1: Have you had any good forks lately? Cpu2: No, but I'm in a relationship with a process.
And god said "Go forth and multiply"
Came the snakes and said "Oh lord allmighty, we cannot follow your command, for we are adders."
Thus spoke the lord "Go and fell those trees and build furniture out of them. For adders can multiply with the aid of log tables".
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
Our team manager brought in some cookies to say "thank you" for our recent coding sprint, but I wouldn't have any. I told her, "I'm sorry, but I don't accept third-party cookies."
I've got a fever and the only prescription is more COBOL.
Q: Why is Christmas identical to Halloween?
A: Because Dec 25 equals Oct 31.
There are only two really difficult things in programming:
- Naming
- Cache invalidation
- Off-by-one errors
*everything is working fine*
Mgr: "...Everything is working fine. What do we even pay you for?"
*something breaks*
Mgr: "Everything is broken... What do we even pay you for?"
...helps you fit 4 digits into your date instead of 2.
My favorite oldie is this one:
Yip yip yip yip yip.
*BANG*
NO TERRIER
Another one that got me was this ancient one:
[Khassaki] HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
[Judge-Mental] try pressing the the Caps Lock key
[Khassaki] O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
[Judge-Mental] fuck me
http://www.bash.org/?835030 is the source of the second one.
Freedom = (Meaningful - Coerced) Choice != (Speech | Beer^2), and sad sock puppets' bad mods avail them naught.
He's making a database
He's sorting it twice
SELECT * FROM KIDS WHERE BEHAVIOR="NICE"
SQL Clause is coming to town
Politically correct linux is now finally a reality. The changes are subtle but very important.
1) man pages are now person pages.
2) Due to complaints from allergic people, cat has been replaced by hypoallergenic_domestic_animal.
3) "yes" is a relic from the times men dominated IT and thought that the only way a woman could reply was in the positive, so it has been complemented with a "no" command.
4) -f(orce) has been removed from all programs to ensure no program can be made do things it does not want to do by itself.
5) The gender biased "mail" command has been replaced by "gender". And you can have as many copies of it as you please, as well as create your own and enforce their use.
6) The "touch" command was removed, due to recent events concerning its use in certain management circles.
7) "unzip" has been removed as well, for similar reasons.
8) "more", being a relic from the Reagan-era'esque thinking of amassing wealth being the only goal in life, has been completely removed. People are encouraged to use the more environmentally friendly "less".
9) LaTex has been removed by the biodegradable KleeNex.
10) Due to causing stress and anxiety with people, "kill" has been replaced by the more agreeable "euthanize". Prior consent of tasks for it to be used on them is required and strictly observed.
11) The "nice" command has been frequently used by users of the privileged class to grant themselves more resources. Unprivileged users and those that think they are can now use the "sue" command to achieve the same.
12) history has been completely rewritten and is now herstory
13) "quota" is now strictly enforced, whether the resources warrant it or not, whether the tasks actually require the allotted resources or not and whether it makes sense or not.
14) abort() is now choice()
15) daemons are now spiritual guides
16) X Window is now NC-17 Window
17) Terminals with limited capabilities are no longer to be called dumb terminals. All terminals are considered equally valuable and some of them are special.
18) root and its wheel oligarchy have been ousted. Instead we implemented the People's Committee for Democratic Organisation of Systems (PC-DOS). Everyone is allowed to do everything and expected to take only what they need.
You will find these new guidelines and features very stimulating and you will agree that they are very useful, sensible and are going to increase our productivity. Or you're just a reactionary, sexist, racist pig!
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
No it isn't. The parity of both seven and eight is the same: Eight in binary = 1000, containing an odd number of 1s Seven in binary = 0111, also containing an odd number of 1s The set up should be "What goes pieces of nice, pieces of nine", as: Nine in binary = 1001, containing an even number of 1s
So I guess this is what you call a parody error?
A QA Engineer walks into a bar. He orders a beer. He orders 0 beers. He orders 9999999999 beers. He orders -1 beers. He orders a lizard. He orders asldkfjinw. He orders....
Its cousin: There are two types of people, those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Agent K: A *person* is smart. People are dumb, stupid, panicky animals, and you know it.