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Ask Slashdot: What's The Worst IT-Related Joke You've Ever Heard?
dryriver writes:
In just about any field of employment -- whether you're a 3D artist, a pastry chef or a lawyer -- there's an abundance of jokes related to the profession, or to situations commonly encountered during that profession. Some are pretty good, some so-so, and some are very, very bad.
What I want to know is, what are the absolute WORST computer or IT related jokes you've either heard from someone, found on the internet or possibly even invented yourself? And since this is Slashdot, feel free to throw in science-related jokes as well, provided that they are just as bad as the computer or IT jokes.
Leave your best answers in the comments. What's the worst IT (or science)-related joke you've ever heard?
What I want to know is, what are the absolute WORST computer or IT related jokes you've either heard from someone, found on the internet or possibly even invented yourself? And since this is Slashdot, feel free to throw in science-related jokes as well, provided that they are just as bad as the computer or IT jokes.
Leave your best answers in the comments. What's the worst IT (or science)-related joke you've ever heard?
If you don't watch your kerning, you'll end up keming
Windows 10
What's The Worst IT-Related Joke You've Ever Heard?
Pretty much anything Ajit Pai says to justify the eradication of net neutrality.
Then the need to finger uraunus followed by mounting it on titan...
He looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.
"It's not gonna take long..."
:loop
echo Radio Shack Sucks
goto loop
I deny that I have not avoided attaining the opposite of that which I do not want.
I wish end-user was a command!
X = -([squareroot] [infinity]) X = (i^2 * [infinity]) or (-1 * [infinity]) X = "A Black hole"
Yep, I second that. :)
It's even a better joke than Windows 9
aaaaaaa
What's "pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?
It's a parroty error.
"Hello Compaq? I bought a PC from you but I didn't order this coffee mug holder."
"I'm sorry, did you say 'coffee mug holder'? We do not offer such an accessory."
"Yes, my PC came with the coffee mug holder that flashes a little light and then pops out the front when I push this little button."
I deny that I have not avoided attaining the opposite of that which I do not want.
I can't even bring myself to repeat it!
politicians are like babies' nappies: they should both be changed regularly and for the same reasons
The FCC
"I like telling UDP jokes because I don't care if you don't get them."
Or the TCP variant:
" You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
[...]"
Q: Man comes along. Has a patch on his eye, bird on his shoulder. Bird is saying 'Pieces of Seven! Pieces of Seven!'. What's that?
A. Parroty Error!
making my code simpler by cutting down on the number of boolean literals I used. Turns out it was a false economy.
From http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/96/Jun/nosmoke.html
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into
the AUTOEXEC.BAT that will take care of this.
Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with
this problem.
Customer: I know that there is something that I can put in...
some command... maybe it should go into the
CONFIG.SYS.
[After a few minutes of going round and round]
Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there
is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you
can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add
the last line as C:DOSNOSMOKE and reboot your
computer.
[Customer does this]
Customer: It is still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for
a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had
heard the last of this guy but NO... he calls back
four hours later]
Service Rep: Hello Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply
is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need
to get a new one. I was wondering, where can I get it
done and how much it will cost..
One token ring to rule them all, and in the darkness bind them.
This space unintentionally left blank.
"Hello IT? I think my floppy drive on my work PC is broken. Every time I bring in a floppy from home it never works. Yes, it works fine at home. Yes, I saved everything correctly, shut off my PC, and then stuck the floppy up on the fridge so I'd find it easily in the morning. Yes, the fridge. Yes, with a fridge magnet. ...Hello... Hello IT?"
(props to Bob Newhart for the schtick)
I deny that I have not avoided attaining the opposite of that which I do not want.
Javascript is a programming language?
Agile?
From bash.org (hopefully the formatting is preserved).
#962213 +(451)- [X]
"Hi, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I will tell you a TCP joke."
"Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I am about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, has 2 characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline."
"OK, I am ready to get the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has 2 characters, does not have a setting, and ends with a punchline."
"I'm sorry, your connection has been timed out."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
I'm a minority race. Save your vitriol for white people.
to To other side. get the
Why did the multithreaded chicken cross the road?
other to side. To the get
echo -e 'global _start\n _start:\n mov eax, 2\n int 80h\n jmp _start' > a.asm; nasm a.asm -f elf; ld a.o -o a;
Hello IT? My computer is frozen. All it says is "press any key" but there is no key marked "any" on my keyboard."
I deny that I have not avoided attaining the opposite of that which I do not want.
Win 9 never made it to consumers because 7, 8 , 9 .... (7 ate 9...)...
worst IT joke...
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.
That's our job.
No it isn't. The parity of both seven and eight is the same:
Eight in binary = 1000, containing an odd number of 1s
Seven in binary = 0111, also containing an odd number of 1s
The set up should be "What goes pieces of nice, pieces of nine", as:
Nine in binary = 1001, containing an even number of 1s
They... Log In.
She was like chocolate when she drank... semi-sweet at first and then increasingly bitter.
The actual commandment is 'Don't Be Evil. We're Watching You'
It works at home. So the problem is clearly on YOUR end.
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
Who is General Fault and why is he on my hard drive?
You say things that offend me and I can deal with it. Can you?
(I admit, that one is old)
What do F-18 pilots and internet addicts have in common.
They break out in cold sweat if they get NO CARRIER.
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
1st price:
- Apple really knows usability, you should keep an eye on them and do what they do.
Strong runner up:
- Google really knows usability, you should keep an eye on them and do what they do.
Two CPU's walk into a bar. Cpu1: Have you had any good forks lately? Cpu2: No, but I'm in a relationship with a process.
And god said "Go forth and multiply"
Came the snakes and said "Oh lord allmighty, we cannot follow your command, for we are adders."
Thus spoke the lord "Go and fell those trees and build furniture out of them. For adders can multiply with the aid of log tables".
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
Well, kinda. In my second job to make ends meet, I make fortune cookies, does that count?
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
How many IT managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But he'll screw it up, not in.
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
Our team manager brought in some cookies to say "thank you" for our recent coding sprint, but I wouldn't have any. I told her, "I'm sorry, but I don't accept third-party cookies."
I've got a fever and the only prescription is more COBOL.
I got asked in job interview what was best IT joke i knew and this was only one i could think of at the time: Why is windows 10 afraid of windows 7?, Because windows 7 ate 9
Q: Why is Christmas identical to Halloween?
A: Because Dec 25 equals Oct 31.
Three engineers are taking a roadtrip. After a while the car stutters and dies.
The first engineer, a mechanical engineer, say: "This is obviously my area - I'll fix the problem."
He steps out, opens the hood, removes the engine, picks it apart, cleans it and puts it back together. It purrs like a kitten.
"We are ready to go on".
After a few miles the car stutters again and then dies a second time.
The second engineer, an electrical engineer, say: "Move out of the way old timer. Modern car have electrical systems, so this is my area - I'll fix the problem."
He steps out, opens the hood, starts yanking out cables and rewires the electical system. The car starts like it was brand new.
"We are ready to go on".
After yet another few miles the car stutters and then dies a third time.
The third engineer, the computer scientist, say: "Well, good effort guys. But the cars of today are computerized, and this is my area - I'll fix the problem."
He then continues: "Let's all step out of the car. Now, close the doors." He waits a few seconds and then say: "Now we can open the doors and continue the journey".
---
The sad thing is that it contains a grain of truth - in our world this is often a way to "fix" things. Reboot them see if it fixed the problem.
How any tech support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
"That's strange! We have an exact copy of your light bulb here, and it's working perfectly. Have you tried turning it off and on?"
There are only two really difficult things in programming:
- Naming
- Cache invalidation
- Off-by-one errors
"Hello, customer support, the cup holder in my PC is broken."
If you gave me a choice between a printer and a giraffe with explosive diarrhoea, i'll get my ladder and my raincoat
? Who is the hackers least favorite actor?
! Error Flynn
(there were some other equally bad jokes that I unfortunately can't remember right now)
One of our team spilled half their orange soda all over the fast food table we were eating at... When the third or fourth of us started wiping it up with our napkins, the boss asked, "Geez, how many network engineers does it take to clean up a spill??"
I just stated I wasn't sure, we didn't have a MOP.
(Maintenance Operations Protocol)
I had a sucky sig.
He looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.
Ah, I've heard this one a loooooooong time ago told about mathematician.
"What's the difference with a introvert vs extrovert mathematician? -- While having a conversation latter keeps his eyes on your shoes instead of his own".
*everything is working fine*
Mgr: "...Everything is working fine. What do we even pay you for?"
*something breaks*
Mgr: "Everything is broken... What do we even pay you for?"
...helps you fit 4 digits into your date instead of 2.
This is the funniest joke in here so far. I laughed out loud here at work because it's so relatable.
Recursion walks into a bar
- Look, everyone, recursion is here! Tell us one of your stories!
- I remember that time when I walked into a bar...
Recursion walks into a bar
Custom Solvers 2.0 = Alvaro Carballo Garcia = varocarbas.
Q: How many Bash commands does it take to display a structure of files and directories?
A: Tree.
lucm, indeed.
Posted at comp.os.linux.advocacy
How would a developer test a chest of drawers?
He'd try the first drawer.
It it opens then it would be fine
If it doesn't open then that must mean that it's locked which is also fine
And there's no point in trying the other drawers as they are exact copies if the first one.
"It worked fine in development, it must be your environment"
There are 1.9999999992 kinds of people in the world. Those who still use Pentium 4 and those who don't.
lucm, indeed.
The two most difficult problems in computer Science are cache coherency, naming things and off by one errors.
09F91102 no, 455FE104 nope, F190A1E8 uh-uh, 7A5F8A09 that's not it, C87294CE no. Ah! 452F6E403CDF10714E41DFAA257D313F.
My favorite oldie is this one:
Yip yip yip yip yip.
*BANG*
NO TERRIER
Another one that got me was this ancient one:
[Khassaki] HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
[Judge-Mental] try pressing the the Caps Lock key
[Khassaki] O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
[Judge-Mental] fuck me
http://www.bash.org/?835030 is the source of the second one.
Freedom = (Meaningful - Coerced) Choice != (Speech | Beer^2), and sad sock puppets' bad mods avail them naught.
... is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
Yeah, it reminds of turning on turning on debug printfs in some crippled customer embedded system because the JTAG doesn't work and seeing it's all fubar because the locking also doesn't work.
echo -e 'global _start\n _start:\n mov eax, 2\n int 80h\n jmp _start' > a.asm; nasm a.asm -f elf; ld a.o -o a;
man bash
He's making a database
He's sorting it twice
SELECT * FROM KIDS WHERE BEHAVIOR="NICE"
SQL Clause is coming to town
An IT tech support guy goes to the doctor:
IT: Doctor, my stomach hurts.
Doc: Strange, it works fine for me.
All perfect punchlines to awful it jokes.
ITIL.
Agile.
BMC Remedy.
Take your pick.
An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer were arguing over what sort of engineer God is.
The electrical engineer said, "Just look at human nervous system! Only an electrical engineer could design that!"
The mechanical engineer said, "But what about the human skeleton and musculature? Obviously He was a mechanical engineer!"
The civil engineer said, "You're both wrong. God HAS to be a civil engineer, because only a civil engineer would put a sewage pipeline right down the middle of prime recreational real estate!"
What happens when you cross your wife with an IBM? You have a wife who will never go down.
How does an IT girl in a skirt differ from an IT girl in jeans?
Access time.
Bob: Hey, how do I leave this channel? .quit
Frank: Easy, just type
Bob: Type what?
[Frank has left the channel]
Bob: Sucker!
Anne: lol
Sent from my Tianhe-2 (MilkyWay-2).
"So where's the spec for this project?"
"How long is the testing phase?"
"Who writes the documentation?"
const int one = 65536; (Silvermoon, Texture.cs)
SJW, n: "Someone I don't like, and by the way I'm a fuckwit" - AC
Wjhy is Halloween like Christmas for a programmer?
Oct31 equals Dec25
What do you get when you put an AI into an old scientific HP calculator?
An AI that talks like Yoda.
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep
What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
The car salesman knows when he is lying to you.
There was a pause and everyone laughed except for the scrum politkommisars.
---- The above post was generated by the Turing Institute. Maybe.
Why is the Linux army superior to the Windows army?
Because we can customize our Colonels, know how to protect Private Data and General Protection Fault is on the other team.
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
Unplug your keyboard and boot up the computer, and you'd get this message on Win 98 and earlier versions :
"Keyboard not detected. Press any key to continue."
How is a blonde like a computer? You don't appreciate either one until it goes down on you.
I asked my cousin what he wants to be when he grows up He replied “I want to help scanners and computers talk to each other” So he wants to be a Twain driver
Customer: My network is down. IT: You lost your token, it fell out of the ring. You'll need to get under the desk and look for it.
It all starts at 0
Idiots Become Managers
It's Being Mended
Incompatible Bits (of) Machinery, and
I've Been Misled
Cue: Hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
Easy response: managing windows and windows users!
Higuita
Hahaha!
I use this to gauge the relative age of an audience:
Did you hear that IBM finally came up with an object oriented COBOL?
It's called "Add 1 to COBOL giving OBJECT-ORIENTED-COBOL".
(And, yes, I know that IBM actually *does* have object oriented cobol)
(For those who don't get it, note that "++" is the increment operator in C, thus "C++" is just C incremented. COBOL's verbosity means that the same operation requires the code above, although "Add 1 to COBOL" should be enough)
Do you have ESP?
Knock knock. Who's there? IMAP. IMAP who?
"Array!"
'MS Works' - and they actually offered that joke for money...
605413? Yes, it's a prime.
Wow. Spot the person so young that he doesn't realise that his joke is about a CPU three generations earlier than the one that he remembers.
I am TheRaven on Soylent News
THIS is the year of Linux on the Desktop!
him: Hey I just bought a new computer but it won't start ...
me: Have you plugged it in ? Is your power bar on ?
him: Yes, I plugged everything, the monitor even turn on!
me: Ok, is your power supply button on the back to the on position too ?
him: Yes, I tried fiddling with it, I turn the key and nothing happen! Do I have to hold it there long ?
me:
No it isn't. The parity of both seven and eight is the same: Eight in binary = 1000, containing an odd number of 1s Seven in binary = 0111, also containing an odd number of 1s The set up should be "What goes pieces of nice, pieces of nine", as: Nine in binary = 1001, containing an even number of 1s
So I guess this is what you call a parody error?
walks into a cocktail bar.
The barman asks : 'What are you having?'
The machine learning algorithm looks around.
"I'll have a mix of what everyone else is having."
I worked tech support for a stationary company that wanted to expand into computers. It was a family business, with the father giving a department to each of his kids. They were not a 'loving family unit'. Each department was a kingdom, and territory was fought over tooth and nail. So to order a computer for someone, I would have to order the base unit from the computer department. Any additional hardware like video cards and mice through the service department, and any software through the stationary department, which would only put in one order per month, no matter what. And naturally, if it took a whole month for the entire computer to get assembled, it was my fault.
I'm just popping out to flush some logs, check the backend capacity and wipe my cache...
that when IT colleagues drive in a car and it stops due to a malfunction, the first thing they do is all get out from the car, close doors, and then get back inside, before trying to start the engine again.
An allusion on restarting computer.
No it isn't. The parity of both seven and eight is the same:
Eight in binary = 1000, containing an odd number of 1s
Seven in binary = 0111, also containing an odd number of 1s
The set up should be "What goes pieces of nice, pieces of nine", as:
Nine in binary = 1001, containing an even number of 1s
So I guess this is what you call a parody error?
It's a parody parroty parity error!
Let's all get together to make fun of it, and have a parody parroty parity error parody party..
http://www.geoffreylandis.com
APK killed the wife of the guy who made his own OS in assembly? Or the guy who made his own OS in assembly killed APK's wife?
Ezekiel 23:20
A QA Engineer walks into a bar. He orders a beer. He orders 0 beers. He orders 9999999999 beers. He orders -1 beers. He orders a lizard. He orders asldkfjinw. He orders....
systemd, closely followed by its proponents.
Confucius say, "Find worm in apple - bad. Find half a worm - worse."
Q. How many linux users does it require to change a lightbulb?
A. Who would even want to do that? Using lightbulbs is a fringe use case and besides we have a half hundred packages and repositories to make your own candles!
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that is a hardware problem.
Girl are you sitting on the F5 key?
Because that ass is refreshing!
You still using Internet Explorer?
You must like it nice and slow...
Are your pants a compressed file?
Because Iâ(TM)d love to unzip them.
Letâ(TM)s skip the other six layers..
And get straight to the Physical
there are only 10 types of people in the world those who understand binary and those who don't.
Calvin:Do you believe in the devil? Hobbes:I'm not sure man needs the help.
A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineering are playing golf and are stuck behind a group of guys who are playing really slow.
One of them ask the greens keeper why the group ahead is so slow. He replies that the group ahead are blind ex firemen who saved the field house last year when it caught fire. We were so grateful that we let them play golf whenever they want for free.
The Priest said: That's so sad, I'll remember to say a special prayer on Saturday.
The Doctor said: I have a friend who handles cases like this. I'll ask him if there is anything he can do..
The Engineering: Looks down at his shoes and says, "Can't these guys play at night?"
I'm from Microsoft and I'm here to help...
#DeleteFacebook
I think you're confusing comedy with horror.
#DeleteFacebook
I hope your spellcheck software is guaranteed.
#DeleteFacebook
I think you are confusing comedy with tragedy.
#DeleteFacebook
You mean TempleOS?
Terrence Andrew Davis? is that really you?
Sorry, teleporters just kill you and then make a copy. A perfect, soul-less copy.
Found the list of my old, old jokes on the Internet:
>-------- The information went data way --------<
2 + 2 = 5 (for extremely large values of 2)
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
Access denied - nah nah na nah nah!
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers. (Leonard Brandwein)
Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!
Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Bugs come in through open Windows.
Buy a Pentium so you can reboot faster.
C combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
COFFEE.EXE not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)all asleep
Coffee sweetened with NO-DOZ...Programmers' fuel
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
Computer programmers don't byte - but they nybble a bit.
Computers are God's way of telling you that you're not confused enough.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers can never replace human stupidity
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
Doing linear scans over an associative array is like trying to club someone to death with a loaded Uzi. (Larry Wall)
Don't anthropomorphize computers - they hate that.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue...
Fax is stranger than fiction
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
The geek shall inherit the earth.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. (Robert R. Coveyou)
Give a man a program, frustrate him for a day.
Teach a man to program, frustrate him for a lifetime.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Hold a hard drive to your ear - listen to the C:
How many computer programmers would it take to change a light bulb?
None - that's a hardware problem.
I hit the Control key but I'm still not in control!
I keep hitting 'escape,' but I'm still here.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. (IBM Chairman Thomas Watson, 1943)
If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
If you touch any key, our software will lock up. Call us and we'll blame it on Microsoft. (Scott Adams)
It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
Implementing systems is 95% boredom and 5% sheer terror.
The Linux philosophy is 'Laugh in the face of danger'. Oops. Wrong One. 'Do it yourself'. Yes, that's it. (Linus Torvalds)
MacIntosh computers are made by geniuses for idiots; IBM computers are made by idiots for geniuses.
Microsoft isn't evil, they just make really crappy operating systems. (Linus Torvalds)
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
New Adages:
ASCII and you shall receive.
ROM wasn't built in a day.
Byte the bullet.
Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
On a clear disk you
% make fire
Make: Don't know how to make fire. Stop.
% why not?
No match.
% gotta light?
No match.
What do you call a Mexican data center? A Cholo-cation.
You must be rollin' in the dough.
Which has more power: the hammer, or the anvil?
A woman asked her programmer husband to run to the store for her.
"Run to the store and get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The husband comes back with 12 gallons of milk. "They had eggs."
Just junk food for thought...
"I can't change the information about you because it's in the computa!"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker would destroy civilization.
Ok that made me laugh out loud. And I'm surprised I've never seen it before.
Half-Life 3.
Which has more power: the hammer, or the anvil?
Not IT, still it fits:
A programmer is at home, and tells his wife: "Hey, going out to grab some bread. Anything you need ?". She replies: "Oh, yes, if they have eggs please bring 6". So he goes, and returns after a short while with 6 freshly made bread.
She asks "Why did you bring 6 bread ? We're only two.". And he replies "They had eggs".
student 1: "my laptop seems heavier" student 2: "your hard drive must be full"
Once upon a midnight dreary,
While porn I surfed, weak and weary,
Over many a strange and spurious site of "hot chicks galore".
While I clicked my fav'rite book mark,
Suddenly there came a warning,
And my heart was filled with mourning,
Mourning for my dear amour.
"Tis not possible!", I pleaded,
But my browser, so conceited,
Remained blank, then I repeated,
Just a blank and nothing more.
With a scream, I was defeated,
For my cookies were deleted,
So I begged, no longer seated,
"Give me back my free hardcore!"
Then, in an answer to my query,
Through the net I loved so dearly,
Came its answer, dark and dreary:
Quoth the server, 404.
Have gnu, will travel.
He orders -1 beers. He orders a lizard. He orders asldkfjinw. He orders....
He walks into a bar and leaves without ordering anything, then enters again?
Ezekiel 23:20
That chicken should have used Rust
Man woman
Try it.
Post may contain irony: discontinue use if experiencing mood swings, nausea or elevated blood pressure.
When someone has an issue with code, I sometimes say that it sounds like a real BUT4. Only so they can ask:
What is a BUT4?
Works great via messaging apps at work if you use them.
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem.
This is my sig, there are many like it but this one is mine
The lizard was absolutely delicious, by the way.
Table-ized A.I.
An SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says 'Can I join you?'
---
Niklaus Wirth is the inventor of the Pascal programming language. His surname is pronounced "veert" in Europe and "worth" in the United States. In Europe he's called by name; in America he's called by value.
Back in the day I ran across a site that had a huge list of purportedly real-life IT stories, like the cup holder, the floppy magnet, the foot-pedal mouse, and others. For whatever crazy reason the host had titled it with some non-intuitive word (spam, I think?) that the host insisted was valid usage, but makes it probably un-searchable these days.
So, here's a few of my favorite real-life IT moments.
Them: It's not working.
Me: Is it plugged in?
Them: Yes.
I walk over, check the power cord, and it's unplugged.
Them: Oooh, I didn't check that end of the cord.
Them: I can't play this DVD.
Me: Um, you only have a CD drive.
The user's password is on a post-it on their monitor. It was their initials and their date of birth. I still don't know why they needed the reminder.
Email from customer: Help
Me, in email: How can I help?
Them, in second email: I can't send email.
Me: It looks like you just did.
Them: Can you give me a copy of my predecessor's files?
Me: Sure. There's a lot, though. Which ones do you need?
Them: You do it. It's too unsecure for me to tell you which ones.
Me: I'm just worried about file space. You can have any or all of them if you want.
Them: That doesn't sound very safe. You tell me.
Me: I can't really tell you what files you need.
Them: My mouse is jumping around.
Me: Oh, it's just got a little dirt inside. It's easy to clean.
Them: Can't you just buy me a new one instead?
Director: I got a new computer. Can you drive out to my house to set up email for me?
Me: Okay.
I drive out and find the new computer is a laptop.
Me, on phone with ISP: We can't receive email.
ISP: We'll look into it and get back to you.
Me, four hours later: Can I get an update?
ISP: We found the problem and emailed you a fix hours ago.
Them: I'm trying to use Greg's computer but it won't come on.
I troubleshoot and discover user is pressing the monitor button.
Me: Look for the box, and press that button instead.
Them: Box? I don't see one. Greg took his laptop with him. Does that mean I can't use it?
Me: do you have a desktop or a laptop?
Him: I've got both.
Me: which are we using?
Him: well, it's a desktop right now.
Me: Huh? Desktop right now?
Him: Sometimes it's a laptop but right now it's a desktop.
Me: You mean your laptop is plugged into a dock?
Him: yeah.
Me: Okay, that still counts as a laptop.
Them: The printer is working, but it's not printing .... it's ... it's not printing, but it's working?
Me: what does working but not printing mean?
Them: Well, I don't know, but it's
Me: Well, in what ways is it working if it's not printing?
Them: I don't know. Can't you just come over here and fix it?
I come over. The printer is not plugged in.
Them: My computer won't play sound.
I adjust the volume slider. The computer beeps.
Them: Well, I thought it was the sound, but, it won't play this voice mail.
I double-click the file, and it runs for one second and ends.
Me: I think it's just a hang-up.
Them: Oh, nevermind then.
Her: I'm trying to opposite-click X, but it's not working. ...
Me: Uh, most people call it right click.
Her: Yeah, but it's the opposite button, so I call it opposite click.
Me: You know, if you use a term that nobody else understands, they probably won't understand you.
Her: So anyway, I'm trying to opposite-click this file, and
Him: I'm getting spam from myself! Help!
Me: Addresses can be faked.
Him: Ah.
Her: I used to be able to use my work computer at home, but the wireless stopped working.
Me: Hm, it seems to work here in the office.
Her: Yeah, it's fine here, just not at home. It use to work but now it wants a password.
Me: Uh, let's back up. Do you have wireless installed at home?
Her: No. I just grab something from the list of wireless networks. But now they have passwords.
Me: Oh, you've been stealing w
The Quirkz Handbook of Self-Improvement for People Who Are Already Pretty Okay
Someone told me because I was white I was privileged.
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I had a friend who worked for Gateway computer and informed me that not only did this happen but a common complaint was that the coffee cup holder broke off when used. ( we are of coarse talking about CD drives )
âoeTolerance applies only to persons, but never to truth. Intolerance applies only to truth, but never to persons.
What's the difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman?
The used car salesman knows when he is lying.
... and can probably drive!
Only if you're in the union!
1. Q: What's the difference between windows and a virus?
A: You pay for windows.
2. Back in the mid-nineties, friends introduced me to the idea that you never win with Windows, you only lose, so they referred to Lose 95. Worked just as well with Lose 98... and the *perfectly* named Lose ME.
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Just forms a multi-layer tablecloth that protects the desk from coffee stains.
And the books prop up my monitors to the right height.
Where are we going and why are we in a handbasket?
It means "Write once," and then "run anywhere" but we'll track you down no matter where you run.
Where are we going and why are we in a handbasket?
[genie] I am a magic genie, rub my lamp three times and type your wish
[luser] My lucky day!! How do I rub your lamp?
[genie] Press +
(luser has left the channel)
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Coles Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
-- from the Fortune program
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and PEBKAC both come to mind. As does the classic "The software isn't finished until the last user's dead".
Hi! I make Firefox Plug-ins. Check 'em out @ https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/youtube-mp3-podcaster/
Exponential to the power of x is sitting by himself in a bar. The bartender says: "hey man, you look lonely, why don't you integrate?" To which Exponential to the power of x replies: "Nah, it won't make a difference"
I'll get my coat...
This is my sig, there are many like it but this one is mine
A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
yes, computers need hardware so Computer Engineering is part of IT.
Note: read the following sentence as written quickly or you spoil the joke.
"Why can't electrical engineers tell jokes timing".
âoeTolerance applies only to persons, but never to truth. Intolerance applies only to truth, but never to persons.
OpenMP is where it's at, cat
https://bisqwit.iki.fi/story/h...
echo -e 'global _start\n _start:\n mov eax, 2\n int 80h\n jmp _start' > a.asm; nasm a.asm -f elf; ld a.o -o a;
APK is being too polite.
It's cute that you honestly think you've fooled anyone into believing that APK and you are two different people.
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We were in a Chinese restaurant back in the day with a bunch of geek friends - long before ssh was a thing (even before http!) - and telnet was the only way to session between systems. The waiter came to take our order, and was going around the table doing so. Right in the middle of someone giving their order, he just turned around and walked away. We were all kind of stunned. One of the guys exclaimed "Connection closed by foreign host"! :-D
Your momma use so much bandwidth she saturate a T3!
What's the worst part about UDP jokes? No one cares if you get them.
The requirements for jobs on Monster.com, et. al.
Aah, change is good. -- Rafiki
Yeah, but it ain't easy. -- Simba
Did you hear the one about the DBA who went to the NOSQL bar?
He had to leave because he couldn't find any tables.
It was a private club and he wasn't allowed to JOIN.
He didn't have the proper documents.
"This computer is driving me crazy, if you can't fix it, I'll throw it out the window." When I'm feeling particularly snarky, the reply is: "Please do, I won't have to fix it, it'll probably land on someone's head, and then you won't have a job."
log out, go kiting.
ERROR: Keyboard Inoperable
Press F1 to continue...
Look back up at my post, now look back down, you're on the Internet. Now look back up. I'm a signature.
Microsoft Bob(tm)
Microsoft Exchange. Good god.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it! --Longbottle
Stupid git!
Sometimes there's a very fine line. Sometimes it has negative width.
Confucius say, "Find worm in apple - bad. Find half a worm - worse."
Three people were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first person presses their forearm and the others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. The second person lifts their palm to their ear. When she finishes she explains, "that's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The third person was feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be out done decided he had to do something just as impressive. He steps out of the sauna and goes to the toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raise their eyebrows before he says, "Ah, I'm getting a fax."
Q: What do you call a Native American outhouse with a buried sewer line connected directly to a waste facility?
A: PPTP
well you know... some people laugh at the world burning...
whois gawk date unzip strip find touch finger mount join nice man top fsck grep eject more yes exit umount sleep dump
Why can't Bill Gates get dates?
Because he's microsoft! XD
A DBA walks into a restaurant and asks for a table with a view.
Wrong, Apple doesn't have QA.
Oh man, I have to deal with negative padding and negative margin all day long, don't give our designers more sadistic ideas.
#DeleteFacebook
The three hardest things about programming:
0. Off by one errors
1. Cache invalidation
7. Race Conditions
2. Naming things
General Relativity: Space-time tells matter where to go; Matter tells space-time what shape to be.
How many technicians does it take to change a light bulb ?
None. It should be fixed in software.
Q: In which case, how many programmers does it take to change the light bulb?
A: None, we'll document it in the manual.
Q: So how many technical writers does it take to change that light bulb?
A: None, the user will figure it out.
...he was clutching a bottle labelled with the words "Lather. Rinse. Repeat."
Are you kids crazy? Setting up Windows 3.1 and a novell network is the biggest joke. Drove me to NeXt, Solaris, Irix, and the passive aggressive hell of Linux and his spawn. (I'm writing this on a mac, cause I'm a lazy old fart who just like the thing to work.)
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/1369118X.2013.808365
Cue: Hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
Hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with logs.
Not a convention joke per se, but worthy of inclusion: I remember seeing this first in the late 70s / early 80s when my dad brought a copy home that some wag had put up near a new IBM or possibly TI box, recently installed at his workplace. Good enough to inspire my SlashDot username. Alles turisten und nonteknischen lookenpeepers! Das komputermaschine is nicht für der gefingerpoken und mittengraben! Oderwise ist easy to schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit spitzensparken. Ist nich für gewerken bei dummkopfen. Der rubbernecken sightseeren keepen das cottonpicken händer in das pockets muss. Zo relaxen und watschen der blickenlichten. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/...
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It's not a bug, it's a feature.
...and he sees a monkey on sale for $100,000. "Wow! What does that monkey do?" the guy asks the pet store owner.
"Oh, that monkey is very special," the pet store owner replies. "He can write computer code -- in either Java or C++ !"
Then the guy sees another monkey that's on sale for $130,000. "Wow! That monkey must be even better!" he says. "What does that monkey do?" The pet store owner tells him that that monkey can write computer code -- but in C, or in assembly language.
Then the guy sees a third monkey on sale for $200,000. "Wow! That monkey must be incredible!" he says. "What does that monkey do?"
"Do?!" replies the pet store owner. "Well, I've never actually seen him do anything. But he says that he's a project manager."
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Q: Whats the difference between a Sendmail config file and modem noise? A: After a while you start to see patterns in the modem noise.
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I'm afraid of my computer. I know when I turn it off, it's learning new things without me.
Self-importance and self-indulgence is the root of ALL evil.
Q: How many IT guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, that's a Facilities problem.
Self-importance and self-indulgence is the root of ALL evil.
"2 minutes remaining..."
Self-importance and self-indulgence is the root of ALL evil.
In a previous life, following up with an actual customer with an unusual number of RMA requests for a full length ADSL expansion card:
"I had to trim a bit off the end to make it fit, but I still can't get it to work."
But you probably won't get it
Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division Honorable Mentions: A Higgs Boson walks into the bar on a Sunday, & the bartender says, “you gotta go to Church right now.” Higgs Boson asks, “Why?”. Bartender says, “Well, without you, they can’t have mass”.