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Ask Slashdot: What's The Worst IT-Related Joke You've Ever Heard?
dryriver writes:
In just about any field of employment -- whether you're a 3D artist, a pastry chef or a lawyer -- there's an abundance of jokes related to the profession, or to situations commonly encountered during that profession. Some are pretty good, some so-so, and some are very, very bad.
What I want to know is, what are the absolute WORST computer or IT related jokes you've either heard from someone, found on the internet or possibly even invented yourself? And since this is Slashdot, feel free to throw in science-related jokes as well, provided that they are just as bad as the computer or IT jokes.
Leave your best answers in the comments. What's the worst IT (or science)-related joke you've ever heard?
What I want to know is, what are the absolute WORST computer or IT related jokes you've either heard from someone, found on the internet or possibly even invented yourself? And since this is Slashdot, feel free to throw in science-related jokes as well, provided that they are just as bad as the computer or IT jokes.
Leave your best answers in the comments. What's the worst IT (or science)-related joke you've ever heard?
If you don't watch your kerning, you'll end up keming
Windows 10
What's The Worst IT-Related Joke You've Ever Heard?
Pretty much anything Ajit Pai says to justify the eradication of net neutrality.
Then the need to finger uraunus followed by mounting it on titan...
He looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.
"It's not gonna take long..."
:loop
echo Radio Shack Sucks
goto loop
I deny that I have not avoided attaining the opposite of that which I do not want.
I wish end-user was a command!
X = -([squareroot] [infinity]) X = (i^2 * [infinity]) or (-1 * [infinity]) X = "A Black hole"
What's "pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?
It's a parroty error.
"Hello Compaq? I bought a PC from you but I didn't order this coffee mug holder."
"I'm sorry, did you say 'coffee mug holder'? We do not offer such an accessory."
"Yes, my PC came with the coffee mug holder that flashes a little light and then pops out the front when I push this little button."
I deny that I have not avoided attaining the opposite of that which I do not want.
I can't even bring myself to repeat it!
politicians are like babies' nappies: they should both be changed regularly and for the same reasons
The FCC
"I like telling UDP jokes because I don't care if you don't get them."
Or the TCP variant:
" You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
[...]"
Q: Man comes along. Has a patch on his eye, bird on his shoulder. Bird is saying 'Pieces of Seven! Pieces of Seven!'. What's that?
A. Parroty Error!
making my code simpler by cutting down on the number of boolean literals I used. Turns out it was a false economy.
From http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/96/Jun/nosmoke.html
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into
the AUTOEXEC.BAT that will take care of this.
Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with
this problem.
Customer: I know that there is something that I can put in...
some command... maybe it should go into the
CONFIG.SYS.
[After a few minutes of going round and round]
Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there
is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you
can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add
the last line as C:DOSNOSMOKE and reboot your
computer.
[Customer does this]
Customer: It is still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for
a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had
heard the last of this guy but NO... he calls back
four hours later]
Service Rep: Hello Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply
is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need
to get a new one. I was wondering, where can I get it
done and how much it will cost..
One token ring to rule them all, and in the darkness bind them.
This space unintentionally left blank.
"Hello IT? I think my floppy drive on my work PC is broken. Every time I bring in a floppy from home it never works. Yes, it works fine at home. Yes, I saved everything correctly, shut off my PC, and then stuck the floppy up on the fridge so I'd find it easily in the morning. Yes, the fridge. Yes, with a fridge magnet. ...Hello... Hello IT?"
(props to Bob Newhart for the schtick)
I deny that I have not avoided attaining the opposite of that which I do not want.
From bash.org (hopefully the formatting is preserved).
#962213 +(451)- [X]
"Hi, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I will tell you a TCP joke."
"Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I am about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, has 2 characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline."
"OK, I am ready to get the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has 2 characters, does not have a setting, and ends with a punchline."
"I'm sorry, your connection has been timed out."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
I'm a minority race. Save your vitriol for white people.
to To other side. get the
Why did the multithreaded chicken cross the road?
other to side. To the get
echo -e 'global _start\n _start:\n mov eax, 2\n int 80h\n jmp _start' > a.asm; nasm a.asm -f elf; ld a.o -o a;
Hello IT? My computer is frozen. All it says is "press any key" but there is no key marked "any" on my keyboard."
I deny that I have not avoided attaining the opposite of that which I do not want.
Win 9 never made it to consumers because 7, 8 , 9 .... (7 ate 9...)...
worst IT joke...
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.
No it isn't. The parity of both seven and eight is the same:
Eight in binary = 1000, containing an odd number of 1s
Seven in binary = 0111, also containing an odd number of 1s
The set up should be "What goes pieces of nice, pieces of nine", as:
Nine in binary = 1001, containing an even number of 1s
They... Log In.
She was like chocolate when she drank... semi-sweet at first and then increasingly bitter.
The actual commandment is 'Don't Be Evil. We're Watching You'
Who is General Fault and why is he on my hard drive?
You say things that offend me and I can deal with it. Can you?
(I admit, that one is old)
What do F-18 pilots and internet addicts have in common.
They break out in cold sweat if they get NO CARRIER.
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
Two CPU's walk into a bar. Cpu1: Have you had any good forks lately? Cpu2: No, but I'm in a relationship with a process.
And god said "Go forth and multiply"
Came the snakes and said "Oh lord allmighty, we cannot follow your command, for we are adders."
Thus spoke the lord "Go and fell those trees and build furniture out of them. For adders can multiply with the aid of log tables".
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
How many IT managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But he'll screw it up, not in.
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
Our team manager brought in some cookies to say "thank you" for our recent coding sprint, but I wouldn't have any. I told her, "I'm sorry, but I don't accept third-party cookies."
I've got a fever and the only prescription is more COBOL.
Q: Why is Christmas identical to Halloween?
A: Because Dec 25 equals Oct 31.
There are only two really difficult things in programming:
- Naming
- Cache invalidation
- Off-by-one errors
? Who is the hackers least favorite actor?
! Error Flynn
(there were some other equally bad jokes that I unfortunately can't remember right now)
One of our team spilled half their orange soda all over the fast food table we were eating at... When the third or fourth of us started wiping it up with our napkins, the boss asked, "Geez, how many network engineers does it take to clean up a spill??"
I just stated I wasn't sure, we didn't have a MOP.
(Maintenance Operations Protocol)
I had a sucky sig.
*everything is working fine*
Mgr: "...Everything is working fine. What do we even pay you for?"
*something breaks*
Mgr: "Everything is broken... What do we even pay you for?"
...helps you fit 4 digits into your date instead of 2.
Recursion walks into a bar
- Look, everyone, recursion is here! Tell us one of your stories!
- I remember that time when I walked into a bar...
Recursion walks into a bar
Custom Solvers 2.0 = Alvaro Carballo Garcia = varocarbas.
There are 1.9999999992 kinds of people in the world. Those who still use Pentium 4 and those who don't.
lucm, indeed.
My favorite oldie is this one:
Yip yip yip yip yip.
*BANG*
NO TERRIER
Another one that got me was this ancient one:
[Khassaki] HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
[Judge-Mental] try pressing the the Caps Lock key
[Khassaki] O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
[Judge-Mental] fuck me
http://www.bash.org/?835030 is the source of the second one.
Freedom = (Meaningful - Coerced) Choice != (Speech | Beer^2), and sad sock puppets' bad mods avail them naught.
... is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
man bash
He's making a database
He's sorting it twice
SELECT * FROM KIDS WHERE BEHAVIOR="NICE"
SQL Clause is coming to town
An IT tech support guy goes to the doctor:
IT: Doctor, my stomach hurts.
Doc: Strange, it works fine for me.
An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer were arguing over what sort of engineer God is.
The electrical engineer said, "Just look at human nervous system! Only an electrical engineer could design that!"
The mechanical engineer said, "But what about the human skeleton and musculature? Obviously He was a mechanical engineer!"
The civil engineer said, "You're both wrong. God HAS to be a civil engineer, because only a civil engineer would put a sewage pipeline right down the middle of prime recreational real estate!"
Bob: Hey, how do I leave this channel? .quit
Frank: Easy, just type
Bob: Type what?
[Frank has left the channel]
Bob: Sucker!
Anne: lol
Sent from my Tianhe-2 (MilkyWay-2).
"So where's the spec for this project?"
"How long is the testing phase?"
"Who writes the documentation?"
const int one = 65536; (Silvermoon, Texture.cs)
SJW, n: "Someone I don't like, and by the way I'm a fuckwit" - AC
How is a blonde like a computer? You don't appreciate either one until it goes down on you.
I asked my cousin what he wants to be when he grows up He replied “I want to help scanners and computers talk to each other” So he wants to be a Twain driver
Cue: Hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
Easy response: managing windows and windows users!
Higuita
I use this to gauge the relative age of an audience:
Did you hear that IBM finally came up with an object oriented COBOL?
It's called "Add 1 to COBOL giving OBJECT-ORIENTED-COBOL".
(And, yes, I know that IBM actually *does* have object oriented cobol)
(For those who don't get it, note that "++" is the increment operator in C, thus "C++" is just C incremented. COBOL's verbosity means that the same operation requires the code above, although "Add 1 to COBOL" should be enough)
Do you have ESP?
"Array!"
Wow. Spot the person so young that he doesn't realise that his joke is about a CPU three generations earlier than the one that he remembers.
I am TheRaven on Soylent News
No it isn't. The parity of both seven and eight is the same: Eight in binary = 1000, containing an odd number of 1s Seven in binary = 0111, also containing an odd number of 1s The set up should be "What goes pieces of nice, pieces of nine", as: Nine in binary = 1001, containing an even number of 1s
So I guess this is what you call a parody error?
No it isn't. The parity of both seven and eight is the same:
Eight in binary = 1000, containing an odd number of 1s
Seven in binary = 0111, also containing an odd number of 1s
The set up should be "What goes pieces of nice, pieces of nine", as:
Nine in binary = 1001, containing an even number of 1s
So I guess this is what you call a parody error?
It's a parody parroty parity error!
Let's all get together to make fun of it, and have a parody parroty parity error parody party..
http://www.geoffreylandis.com
A QA Engineer walks into a bar. He orders a beer. He orders 0 beers. He orders 9999999999 beers. He orders -1 beers. He orders a lizard. He orders asldkfjinw. He orders....
systemd, closely followed by its proponents.
Confucius say, "Find worm in apple - bad. Find half a worm - worse."
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that is a hardware problem.
A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineering are playing golf and are stuck behind a group of guys who are playing really slow.
One of them ask the greens keeper why the group ahead is so slow. He replies that the group ahead are blind ex firemen who saved the field house last year when it caught fire. We were so grateful that we let them play golf whenever they want for free.
The Priest said: That's so sad, I'll remember to say a special prayer on Saturday.
The Doctor said: I have a friend who handles cases like this. I'll ask him if there is anything he can do..
The Engineering: Looks down at his shoes and says, "Can't these guys play at night?"
I think you're confusing comedy with horror.
#DeleteFacebook
I hope your spellcheck software is guaranteed.
#DeleteFacebook
They will be really screwed when they get up to Windows 94.
const int one = 65536; (Silvermoon, Texture.cs)
SJW, n: "Someone I don't like, and by the way I'm a fuckwit" - AC
% make fire
Make: Don't know how to make fire. Stop.
% why not?
No match.
% gotta light?
No match.
A woman asked her programmer husband to run to the store for her.
"Run to the store and get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The husband comes back with 12 gallons of milk. "They had eggs."
Just junk food for thought...
And she replies "Are you a software update? Because not right now, and probably never."
Just junk food for thought...
Once upon a midnight dreary,
While porn I surfed, weak and weary,
Over many a strange and spurious site of "hot chicks galore".
While I clicked my fav'rite book mark,
Suddenly there came a warning,
And my heart was filled with mourning,
Mourning for my dear amour.
"Tis not possible!", I pleaded,
But my browser, so conceited,
Remained blank, then I repeated,
Just a blank and nothing more.
With a scream, I was defeated,
For my cookies were deleted,
So I begged, no longer seated,
"Give me back my free hardcore!"
Then, in an answer to my query,
Through the net I loved so dearly,
Came its answer, dark and dreary:
Quoth the server, 404.
Have gnu, will travel.
He orders -1 beers. He orders a lizard. He orders asldkfjinw. He orders....
He walks into a bar and leaves without ordering anything, then enters again?
Ezekiel 23:20
An SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says 'Can I join you?'
---
Niklaus Wirth is the inventor of the Pascal programming language. His surname is pronounced "veert" in Europe and "worth" in the United States. In Europe he's called by name; in America he's called by value.
Back in the day I ran across a site that had a huge list of purportedly real-life IT stories, like the cup holder, the floppy magnet, the foot-pedal mouse, and others. For whatever crazy reason the host had titled it with some non-intuitive word (spam, I think?) that the host insisted was valid usage, but makes it probably un-searchable these days.
So, here's a few of my favorite real-life IT moments.
Them: It's not working.
Me: Is it plugged in?
Them: Yes.
I walk over, check the power cord, and it's unplugged.
Them: Oooh, I didn't check that end of the cord.
Them: I can't play this DVD.
Me: Um, you only have a CD drive.
The user's password is on a post-it on their monitor. It was their initials and their date of birth. I still don't know why they needed the reminder.
Email from customer: Help
Me, in email: How can I help?
Them, in second email: I can't send email.
Me: It looks like you just did.
Them: Can you give me a copy of my predecessor's files?
Me: Sure. There's a lot, though. Which ones do you need?
Them: You do it. It's too unsecure for me to tell you which ones.
Me: I'm just worried about file space. You can have any or all of them if you want.
Them: That doesn't sound very safe. You tell me.
Me: I can't really tell you what files you need.
Them: My mouse is jumping around.
Me: Oh, it's just got a little dirt inside. It's easy to clean.
Them: Can't you just buy me a new one instead?
Director: I got a new computer. Can you drive out to my house to set up email for me?
Me: Okay.
I drive out and find the new computer is a laptop.
Me, on phone with ISP: We can't receive email.
ISP: We'll look into it and get back to you.
Me, four hours later: Can I get an update?
ISP: We found the problem and emailed you a fix hours ago.
Them: I'm trying to use Greg's computer but it won't come on.
I troubleshoot and discover user is pressing the monitor button.
Me: Look for the box, and press that button instead.
Them: Box? I don't see one. Greg took his laptop with him. Does that mean I can't use it?
Me: do you have a desktop or a laptop?
Him: I've got both.
Me: which are we using?
Him: well, it's a desktop right now.
Me: Huh? Desktop right now?
Him: Sometimes it's a laptop but right now it's a desktop.
Me: You mean your laptop is plugged into a dock?
Him: yeah.
Me: Okay, that still counts as a laptop.
Them: The printer is working, but it's not printing .... it's ... it's not printing, but it's working?
Me: what does working but not printing mean?
Them: Well, I don't know, but it's
Me: Well, in what ways is it working if it's not printing?
Them: I don't know. Can't you just come over here and fix it?
I come over. The printer is not plugged in.
Them: My computer won't play sound.
I adjust the volume slider. The computer beeps.
Them: Well, I thought it was the sound, but, it won't play this voice mail.
I double-click the file, and it runs for one second and ends.
Me: I think it's just a hang-up.
Them: Oh, nevermind then.
Her: I'm trying to opposite-click X, but it's not working. ...
Me: Uh, most people call it right click.
Her: Yeah, but it's the opposite button, so I call it opposite click.
Me: You know, if you use a term that nobody else understands, they probably won't understand you.
Her: So anyway, I'm trying to opposite-click this file, and
Him: I'm getting spam from myself! Help!
Me: Addresses can be faked.
Him: Ah.
Her: I used to be able to use my work computer at home, but the wireless stopped working.
Me: Hm, it seems to work here in the office.
Her: Yeah, it's fine here, just not at home. It use to work but now it wants a password.
Me: Uh, let's back up. Do you have wireless installed at home?
Her: No. I just grab something from the list of wireless networks. But now they have passwords.
Me: Oh, you've been stealing w
The Quirkz Handbook of Self-Improvement for People Who Are Already Pretty Okay
I had a friend who worked for Gateway computer and informed me that not only did this happen but a common complaint was that the coffee cup holder broke off when used. ( we are of coarse talking about CD drives )
âoeTolerance applies only to persons, but never to truth. Intolerance applies only to truth, but never to persons.
Probably need '&&' between them. Wouldn't want to continue if the previous weren't allowed to succeed. Could mean legal trouble.
A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
We were in a Chinese restaurant back in the day with a bunch of geek friends - long before ssh was a thing (even before http!) - and telnet was the only way to session between systems. The waiter came to take our order, and was going around the table doing so. Right in the middle of someone giving their order, he just turned around and walked away. We were all kind of stunned. One of the guys exclaimed "Connection closed by foreign host"! :-D
What's the worst part about UDP jokes? No one cares if you get them.
Three people were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first person presses their forearm and the others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. The second person lifts their palm to their ear. When she finishes she explains, "that's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The third person was feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be out done decided he had to do something just as impressive. He steps out of the sauna and goes to the toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raise their eyebrows before he says, "Ah, I'm getting a fax."
In a previous life, following up with an actual customer with an unusual number of RMA requests for a full length ADSL expansion card:
"I had to trim a bit off the end to make it fit, but I still can't get it to work."