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Ask Slashdot: What's The Worst IT-Related Joke You've Ever Heard?
dryriver writes:
In just about any field of employment -- whether you're a 3D artist, a pastry chef or a lawyer -- there's an abundance of jokes related to the profession, or to situations commonly encountered during that profession. Some are pretty good, some so-so, and some are very, very bad.
What I want to know is, what are the absolute WORST computer or IT related jokes you've either heard from someone, found on the internet or possibly even invented yourself? And since this is Slashdot, feel free to throw in science-related jokes as well, provided that they are just as bad as the computer or IT jokes.
Leave your best answers in the comments. What's the worst IT (or science)-related joke you've ever heard?
What I want to know is, what are the absolute WORST computer or IT related jokes you've either heard from someone, found on the internet or possibly even invented yourself? And since this is Slashdot, feel free to throw in science-related jokes as well, provided that they are just as bad as the computer or IT jokes.
Leave your best answers in the comments. What's the worst IT (or science)-related joke you've ever heard?
If you don't watch your kerning, you'll end up keming
Windows 10
What's The Worst IT-Related Joke You've Ever Heard?
Pretty much anything Ajit Pai says to justify the eradication of net neutrality.
He looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.
"It's not gonna take long..."
I wish end-user was a command!
X = -([squareroot] [infinity]) X = (i^2 * [infinity]) or (-1 * [infinity]) X = "A Black hole"
What's "pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?
It's a parroty error.
"Hello Compaq? I bought a PC from you but I didn't order this coffee mug holder."
"I'm sorry, did you say 'coffee mug holder'? We do not offer such an accessory."
"Yes, my PC came with the coffee mug holder that flashes a little light and then pops out the front when I push this little button."
I deny that I have not avoided attaining the opposite of that which I do not want.
I can't even bring myself to repeat it!
politicians are like babies' nappies: they should both be changed regularly and for the same reasons
"I like telling UDP jokes because I don't care if you don't get them."
Or the TCP variant:
" You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
You wanna hear a TCP joke ?
[...]"
making my code simpler by cutting down on the number of boolean literals I used. Turns out it was a false economy.
From http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/96/Jun/nosmoke.html
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into
the AUTOEXEC.BAT that will take care of this.
Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with
this problem.
Customer: I know that there is something that I can put in...
some command... maybe it should go into the
CONFIG.SYS.
[After a few minutes of going round and round]
Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there
is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you
can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add
the last line as C:DOSNOSMOKE and reboot your
computer.
[Customer does this]
Customer: It is still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for
a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had
heard the last of this guy but NO... he calls back
four hours later]
Service Rep: Hello Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply
is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need
to get a new one. I was wondering, where can I get it
done and how much it will cost..
One token ring to rule them all, and in the darkness bind them.
This space unintentionally left blank.
"Hello IT? I think my floppy drive on my work PC is broken. Every time I bring in a floppy from home it never works. Yes, it works fine at home. Yes, I saved everything correctly, shut off my PC, and then stuck the floppy up on the fridge so I'd find it easily in the morning. Yes, the fridge. Yes, with a fridge magnet. ...Hello... Hello IT?"
(props to Bob Newhart for the schtick)
I deny that I have not avoided attaining the opposite of that which I do not want.
From bash.org (hopefully the formatting is preserved).
#962213 +(451)- [X]
"Hi, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I will tell you a TCP joke."
"Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I am about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, has 2 characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline."
"OK, I am ready to get the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has 2 characters, does not have a setting, and ends with a punchline."
"I'm sorry, your connection has been timed out."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
I'm a minority race. Save your vitriol for white people.
to To other side. get the
Why did the multithreaded chicken cross the road?
other to side. To the get
echo -e 'global _start\n _start:\n mov eax, 2\n int 80h\n jmp _start' > a.asm; nasm a.asm -f elf; ld a.o -o a;
No it isn't. The parity of both seven and eight is the same:
Eight in binary = 1000, containing an odd number of 1s
Seven in binary = 0111, also containing an odd number of 1s
The set up should be "What goes pieces of nice, pieces of nine", as:
Nine in binary = 1001, containing an even number of 1s
They... Log In.
She was like chocolate when she drank... semi-sweet at first and then increasingly bitter.
10 types perhaps ;-)
Who is General Fault and why is he on my hard drive?
You say things that offend me and I can deal with it. Can you?
Two CPU's walk into a bar. Cpu1: Have you had any good forks lately? Cpu2: No, but I'm in a relationship with a process.
And god said "Go forth and multiply"
Came the snakes and said "Oh lord allmighty, we cannot follow your command, for we are adders."
Thus spoke the lord "Go and fell those trees and build furniture out of them. For adders can multiply with the aid of log tables".
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
Our team manager brought in some cookies to say "thank you" for our recent coding sprint, but I wouldn't have any. I told her, "I'm sorry, but I don't accept third-party cookies."
I've got a fever and the only prescription is more COBOL.
Q: Why is Christmas identical to Halloween?
A: Because Dec 25 equals Oct 31.
There are only two really difficult things in programming:
- Naming
- Cache invalidation
- Off-by-one errors
*everything is working fine*
Mgr: "...Everything is working fine. What do we even pay you for?"
*something breaks*
Mgr: "Everything is broken... What do we even pay you for?"
...helps you fit 4 digits into your date instead of 2.
There are 1.9999999992 kinds of people in the world. Those who still use Pentium 4 and those who don't.
lucm, indeed.
My favorite oldie is this one:
Yip yip yip yip yip.
*BANG*
NO TERRIER
Another one that got me was this ancient one:
[Khassaki] HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
[Judge-Mental] try pressing the the Caps Lock key
[Khassaki] O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
[Judge-Mental] fuck me
http://www.bash.org/?835030 is the source of the second one.
Freedom = (Meaningful - Coerced) Choice != (Speech | Beer^2), and sad sock puppets' bad mods avail them naught.
... is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
He's making a database
He's sorting it twice
SELECT * FROM KIDS WHERE BEHAVIOR="NICE"
SQL Clause is coming to town
Politically correct linux is now finally a reality. The changes are subtle but very important.
1) man pages are now person pages.
2) Due to complaints from allergic people, cat has been replaced by hypoallergenic_domestic_animal.
3) "yes" is a relic from the times men dominated IT and thought that the only way a woman could reply was in the positive, so it has been complemented with a "no" command.
4) -f(orce) has been removed from all programs to ensure no program can be made do things it does not want to do by itself.
5) The gender biased "mail" command has been replaced by "gender". And you can have as many copies of it as you please, as well as create your own and enforce their use.
6) The "touch" command was removed, due to recent events concerning its use in certain management circles.
7) "unzip" has been removed as well, for similar reasons.
8) "more", being a relic from the Reagan-era'esque thinking of amassing wealth being the only goal in life, has been completely removed. People are encouraged to use the more environmentally friendly "less".
9) LaTex has been removed by the biodegradable KleeNex.
10) Due to causing stress and anxiety with people, "kill" has been replaced by the more agreeable "euthanize". Prior consent of tasks for it to be used on them is required and strictly observed.
11) The "nice" command has been frequently used by users of the privileged class to grant themselves more resources. Unprivileged users and those that think they are can now use the "sue" command to achieve the same.
12) history has been completely rewritten and is now herstory
13) "quota" is now strictly enforced, whether the resources warrant it or not, whether the tasks actually require the allotted resources or not and whether it makes sense or not.
14) abort() is now choice()
15) daemons are now spiritual guides
16) X Window is now NC-17 Window
17) Terminals with limited capabilities are no longer to be called dumb terminals. All terminals are considered equally valuable and some of them are special.
18) root and its wheel oligarchy have been ousted. Instead we implemented the People's Committee for Democratic Organisation of Systems (PC-DOS). Everyone is allowed to do everything and expected to take only what they need.
You will find these new guidelines and features very stimulating and you will agree that they are very useful, sensible and are going to increase our productivity. Or you're just a reactionary, sexist, racist pig!
We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
"So where's the spec for this project?"
"How long is the testing phase?"
"Who writes the documentation?"
const int one = 65536; (Silvermoon, Texture.cs)
SJW, n: "Someone I don't like, and by the way I'm a fuckwit" - AC
I asked my cousin what he wants to be when he grows up He replied “I want to help scanners and computers talk to each other” So he wants to be a Twain driver
Cue: Hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
Wow. Spot the person so young that he doesn't realise that his joke is about a CPU three generations earlier than the one that he remembers.
I am TheRaven on Soylent News
No it isn't. The parity of both seven and eight is the same: Eight in binary = 1000, containing an odd number of 1s Seven in binary = 0111, also containing an odd number of 1s The set up should be "What goes pieces of nice, pieces of nine", as: Nine in binary = 1001, containing an even number of 1s
So I guess this is what you call a parody error?
No it isn't. The parity of both seven and eight is the same:
Eight in binary = 1000, containing an odd number of 1s
Seven in binary = 0111, also containing an odd number of 1s
The set up should be "What goes pieces of nice, pieces of nine", as:
Nine in binary = 1001, containing an even number of 1s
So I guess this is what you call a parody error?
It's a parody parroty parity error!
Let's all get together to make fun of it, and have a parody parroty parity error parody party..
http://www.geoffreylandis.com
A QA Engineer walks into a bar. He orders a beer. He orders 0 beers. He orders 9999999999 beers. He orders -1 beers. He orders a lizard. He orders asldkfjinw. He orders....
There are two types of people in the world.
1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete information.
Moderating "-1, Disagree" is simple censorship. Have the guts to post your opinion.
systemd, closely followed by its proponents.
Confucius say, "Find worm in apple - bad. Find half a worm - worse."
For your IQ Test, press ALT - F4
We are Dead Stars looking back Up at the Sky
A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineering are playing golf and are stuck behind a group of guys who are playing really slow.
One of them ask the greens keeper why the group ahead is so slow. He replies that the group ahead are blind ex firemen who saved the field house last year when it caught fire. We were so grateful that we let them play golf whenever they want for free.
The Priest said: That's so sad, I'll remember to say a special prayer on Saturday.
The Doctor said: I have a friend who handles cases like this. I'll ask him if there is anything he can do..
The Engineering: Looks down at his shoes and says, "Can't these guys play at night?"
I think you're confusing comedy with horror.
#DeleteFacebook
A woman asked her programmer husband to run to the store for her.
"Run to the store and get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The husband comes back with 12 gallons of milk. "They had eggs."
Just junk food for thought...
And she replies "Are you a software update? Because not right now, and probably never."
Just junk food for thought...
An SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says 'Can I join you?'
---
Back in the day I ran across a site that had a huge list of purportedly real-life IT stories, like the cup holder, the floppy magnet, the foot-pedal mouse, and others. For whatever crazy reason the host had titled it with some non-intuitive word (spam, I think?) that the host insisted was valid usage, but makes it probably un-searchable these days.
So, here's a few of my favorite real-life IT moments.
Them: It's not working.
Me: Is it plugged in?
Them: Yes.
I walk over, check the power cord, and it's unplugged.
Them: Oooh, I didn't check that end of the cord.
Them: I can't play this DVD.
Me: Um, you only have a CD drive.
The user's password is on a post-it on their monitor. It was their initials and their date of birth. I still don't know why they needed the reminder.
Email from customer: Help
Me, in email: How can I help?
Them, in second email: I can't send email.
Me: It looks like you just did.
Them: Can you give me a copy of my predecessor's files?
Me: Sure. There's a lot, though. Which ones do you need?
Them: You do it. It's too unsecure for me to tell you which ones.
Me: I'm just worried about file space. You can have any or all of them if you want.
Them: That doesn't sound very safe. You tell me.
Me: I can't really tell you what files you need.
Them: My mouse is jumping around.
Me: Oh, it's just got a little dirt inside. It's easy to clean.
Them: Can't you just buy me a new one instead?
Director: I got a new computer. Can you drive out to my house to set up email for me?
Me: Okay.
I drive out and find the new computer is a laptop.
Me, on phone with ISP: We can't receive email.
ISP: We'll look into it and get back to you.
Me, four hours later: Can I get an update?
ISP: We found the problem and emailed you a fix hours ago.
Them: I'm trying to use Greg's computer but it won't come on.
I troubleshoot and discover user is pressing the monitor button.
Me: Look for the box, and press that button instead.
Them: Box? I don't see one. Greg took his laptop with him. Does that mean I can't use it?
Me: do you have a desktop or a laptop?
Him: I've got both.
Me: which are we using?
Him: well, it's a desktop right now.
Me: Huh? Desktop right now?
Him: Sometimes it's a laptop but right now it's a desktop.
Me: You mean your laptop is plugged into a dock?
Him: yeah.
Me: Okay, that still counts as a laptop.
Them: The printer is working, but it's not printing .... it's ... it's not printing, but it's working?
Me: what does working but not printing mean?
Them: Well, I don't know, but it's
Me: Well, in what ways is it working if it's not printing?
Them: I don't know. Can't you just come over here and fix it?
I come over. The printer is not plugged in.
Them: My computer won't play sound.
I adjust the volume slider. The computer beeps.
Them: Well, I thought it was the sound, but, it won't play this voice mail.
I double-click the file, and it runs for one second and ends.
Me: I think it's just a hang-up.
Them: Oh, nevermind then.
Her: I'm trying to opposite-click X, but it's not working. ...
Me: Uh, most people call it right click.
Her: Yeah, but it's the opposite button, so I call it opposite click.
Me: You know, if you use a term that nobody else understands, they probably won't understand you.
Her: So anyway, I'm trying to opposite-click this file, and
Him: I'm getting spam from myself! Help!
Me: Addresses can be faked.
Him: Ah.
Her: I used to be able to use my work computer at home, but the wireless stopped working.
Me: Hm, it seems to work here in the office.
Her: Yeah, it's fine here, just not at home. It use to work but now it wants a password.
Me: Uh, let's back up. Do you have wireless installed at home?
Her: No. I just grab something from the list of wireless networks. But now they have passwords.
Me: Oh, you've been stealing w
The Quirkz Handbook of Self-Improvement for People Who Are Already Pretty Okay
There are two types of people in the world.
1. Those who start counting at one.
1. Those who start counting at zero.
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