Slashdot Mirror
Return of The Onion
binarydreams writes "Rejoice. The Onion is back with a new edition, after a month's hiatus. During the break they have done a little redesign of the main page. I've got some reading to do. "
As always, the Onion brings a smile to my face, along with some
belly laughs, and some sort of problem with my digestive system.
Absolutely. I'm often put off by Segfault
articles that just go a bit TOO FAR, and should
never go beyond the inital joke, but The Onion
writers seem to be able to extend jokes for quite
a few paragraphs without going soft or lame.
Copycat's like "The Mushroom", simply can't
compare.
Certainly one of my favorite sites.
-- www.bteg.com | bleh.n3.net | hac47.dhs.org
topic? slashdot isn't a "linux" website. even a "computing" website. that's why it's news for nerds, not news for linux nerds. go home.
Not only would it be cool, it _is_ cool. Our universe is a subatomic particle for other universes, and our subatomic particles are universes in themselves. For there is infinitely enormous matter as we know it, and there is infintessimally minute matter...... therefore, it is no theory, it is a reality. We just have problems seeing it and comprehending it, because of it's grand scale.
Insert mind here.
I think it's nice to see some of the timeless classics roll around again. Oh, and don't forget to buy the book ;)
Ita erat quando hic adveni.
ummm... then what's the difference?
They interviewed Scott Dickers on Fresh Air this morning, and they played some audio clips from the tape version of our dumb century. :-P
"Houston, I'm on the f*kking moon, over."
It was great!
Anyone else totally in love with Smoove B?
The Divine Creatrix in a Mortal Shell that stays Crunchy in Milk
The House Between - Original Sci-Fi Series
"Southerner Recognized for Driving in a Circle Prowess"
"Smoking Marijuana Linked to Sitting Around and Getting Stoned"
(and my favorite so far from Our Dumb Century:)
"The Machine: Will it ever replace the Chinaman?"
BTW, re: the redesign - the last time they did a redesign was just a couple weeks after an Onion pastiche called The Radish (500k PDF) came out. So who's done another ripoff this time?
(I'm not really an anonymous coward, I'm just Cos McCowboy and I don't have much time to register properly...)My employer also blocks access to The Onion (and a bunch of other sites that I want to go to)... how do I get around it without getting caught?
Thanks for any help.
My employer also blocks access to The Onion (and a bunch of other sites that I
want to go to)... how do I get around it without getting caught?
Thanks for any help.
I lived in Boulder for a long time, and we had the onion there as well. It was a localized version, too. Also, I think they signed a distribution deal with Borders, so any place that has Borders bookstores should have the Onion as well.
(this text entered only to fulfill the requirements of the CGI)
Either use a modem to dial up to your ISP, or hack the company proxy server and kill the site blocking software's process. Of course, if you knew how to do the latter, you probably wouldnt be asking how to bypass it.
This message brought to you by the Council of People Who Are Sick of Seeing More People.
this is kind of similar -- however, the old one was making fun of porn in general where this one is making fun of the recent 'eyes wide shut' rating
whatever
Zontar The Mindless,
Il n'y a pas de Planet B.
You mentioned a few of mine, but here are the rest:
Absolute must-reads:
-Microsoft patents ones, zereos
-Revolutionary New Insoles Combine Five Forms Of Pseudoscience
-98 Homosexual-Recruitment Drive Nearing Goal
-'I Provide Office Solutions,' Says Pitiful Little Man
-Congress Passes Americans With No Abilities Act
-Funny story about this one - I cut it out and left it on my desk at home, which is near the dining room. We had my neighbor over, who is an avid Rush Limbaugh fan and watches C-Span constantly and follows the Drudge report. He saw the article sitting on the desk, with a big color photo of Clinton signing the bill, and had a fit!
Other good ones:
-The Onion's Guide to Human Interaction
-Apple Employee Fired For Thinking Different
-Coca-Cola Introduces New 30-Liter Size
-New Smokable Nicotine Sticks- Can They Help Smokers Quit?
-Heads Need To Be Cracked In!
-Man, This Pepsi Pop-Culture Bottlecap Game Is Fun!
-I Think That Stripper Really Liked Me
-Point-Counterpoint On-The-Job Harassment
-Christ Demands More Money
-American People Ruled Unfit To Govern
-First-Amendment Bug Removed From Bill Of Rights 2.0
-Nation's Educators Alarmed By Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes
-Vatican Rescinds 'Blessed' Status Of World's Meek- 'Screw The Meek,' Says Pope
-Doctors Find New Way To Prolong Meaningless Existence
-Man Required To Wear Tie Decides It Might As Well Be Wacky
Vidi, Vici, Veni
Believe it or not, "eye travel" and the rest of your "pro" sh*t do not make web sites better. Far from it. The more crap people like you add to their site, the better the content has to be before I'll even try to read it.
I'll say it slower. C O N T E N T.
Which the Onion always did do well, and still do.
-- The meek shall inherit the Earth. In very small plots, about 6 feet by 3.
There's a hilarious parody of this in Revenge of the Nerds 2. Again a bunch of people are getting stoned. The nerds are spouting some theories along the lines of WOBAD, and then Ogre (stereotypical "dumb jock") says "what if C-A-T really spelled DOG?"
Darn it! I knew they were coming back from hiatus and wanted to go visit, but now that it's been announced here, I can't get to it!
Guess I'll have to wait 'til mornin'...
Open my browser bigger than 800 wide? Thats why I bought such an effing huge monitor, and run it at a high resolution. Its always open at least 950 wide, and I still have plenty of real estate for other things. With such a large screen and high resolution, I doubt my eye travel is too great compared to my friends who like 800x600 on their 17" monitors. Many webpages are designed so that they look like crap when they are opened bigger 800 wide. What makes 800 wide such a special number anyway? Just because it is a least common denominator does not mean it is 'correct' or 'best' for all pages.
That said, the type is too small under Linux Netscape, a common failing apparently caused by Microsoft, if I read some of the other comments correctly.
Cheers
Eric
Actually, I believe Windows has always displayed fonts at a larger than normal size in all applications. Its creators reasoned that reading small letters would be more dificult on a screen than on paper, so they increased the average on-screen font size by about two points. It's not an evil plot; it's a relic from the days when Microsoft was genuinely concerned about ease of use.
True story: The Onion contacts a professor of political science who specializes in Russia and asks whether he knows some people who could dress up like they're in the SCA. Little do they know that they've asked the submissions herald for the Middle Kingdom, who offers to do one better and provide actual SCA members. The guy in the hat is a viscount.
we get the onion for free here in denver too. there's actually a box right outside of my work - one of the few amenities.
i'm not really that excited but, hey pal, that's life in the breakdown lane.
In actuality, The Onion is a newspaper. You can pick them up free at a variety of locations in Madison, Wisconsin. I think it was launched fall of 1988, so the web presence is comparatively new. The print version is also available by subscription, and I've heard that people outside of Madison who get the print version think the ads are all made up. No, we actually do have Pizza Pit, Big Mike's Super Subs, etc.
the hardcopy is available nationwide now...I get it at a newsstand in wash, dc
Smoove B is pretty swank, too.
I will also make you cereal.
has anyone else noticed this before
"The Onion® is not intended for readers under 18 years of age."
better move it into the 'Financial' bookmark folder
BLOCK STRUCTURE breathing apparatus required for special maneuvers!!
To really get around it, you'll want to find out which product you're up against, and then visit PeaceFire. They have instructions to get around a variety of different products, possibly including yours.
Jamie McCarthy
Jamie McCarthy
jamie.mccarthy.vg
I can see it fine. I'm using Netscape, and 1600x1200 resolution. No small fonts or nothin.
How about: Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding - This could almost be a \. headline.
You take cues from design every day; you just don't know it. You decide whether things are too cheap or too expensive based on what fonts and colors are used in their packaging. You instinctively use roads and walkways according to how they are designed.
You would complain if the "up volume" button on your remote control was far away from the "down volume" button. If you got into a car, and the gas pedal and brake pedal were reversed, you could die. If someone gave you a business card that was 8 1/2" by 11", you'd throw it away in disgust. If you came across a parking lot with no lines, you probably wouldn't be able to get your car in or out.
So why complain about quality design and usability choices on the web? Sorry, it's because you don't know any better.
I just hadda include that headline after your Supreme Court Headline. But just in case someone bothers to read this post, the all-time best Point-Counterpoint was "Humidity", debated between a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
Glad to see 'em back.
-- Give him Head? Be a Beacon?
-- Give him Head? Be a Beacon? :P)
(If you can't figure out how to E-Mail me, Don't.
Ya the onion rocks!! And it's even better if you live in Madison, WI, like me, or surrounding area and can get a hard copy!
:D
Very glad to see them backonline... even though my work proxy forbids us to go there! we still get there other ways
Dude, EVERYBODY has thought of that theory. That's what they are making fun of.
---
Put Hemos through English 101!
Linux MAPI Server!
http://www.openone.com/software/MailOne/
(Exchange Migration HOWTO coming soon)
The text is so smmmaaaaallll..
:(
man, I remember when they first whent on hiatus, it seemed like forever. time moves way to fast, I don't want my summer to end
_
"Subtle mind control? Why do all these HTML buttons say 'Submit' ?"
ReadThe ReflectionEngine, a cyberpunk style n
So, like, your dad and you used to, ya know, like, *puff* a lota shit, right?
What Monty Python is to television/film, the onion is to the Web.
If you haven't read their book called "OUR DUMB CENTURY", it's a great way to review the last 100 years and remember all that's happened in a way that's much more entertaining than a jr. college american history class.
W
-------------------
-------------------
This is my SIG. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
Yes! Some good news! I've been missing The Onion's humour, the lack of it has been having a negative effect on me! Time to go over there and refuel...
Does it make you happy you're so strange?
I just wish it was cheaper to subscribe to the hardcopy version internationally.. actually, the site only mentions Europe so I doubt I could even get it here in Australia. Grr.
Reminds you the "Galaxy" on "Orion's Belt" in the movie Men in Black doesnt it ;-)
OK, don't get me wrong. I really, really like the Onion. But they've had a sign up since the *last* issue came out that they'd be back on July 21. Do we really need /. to tell us about it? /., at least not yet. /. over this. /., even the Onion recognizes the importance of the moon landing in their book, devoting a full page to it (along with the headline "Holy F***ing Sh**, Man Lands on F***ing Moon").
Meanwhile, today is the 30th anniversary of the moon landing... and nothing has been mentioned on
Yes, maybe anyone who already cares would know that it's the moon landing anniversary, but anyone who cares about the Onion would've known they'd be back today. Quite frankly I've lost a lot of respect for
Come on,
Um, while funny to read, I've had that theory for about 14 years or so, and I know I'm not the first (my dad mentioned some of it to me around that time). Actually, it would be kind of cool if our univers as some subatomic particle in another univers, and all our subatimic particles were also other universes.
Bill - aka taniwha
--
Leave others their otherness. -- Aratak
Keep your fucking shit off my desk
Does this cockring make me look fat?
Ask a gutshot policeman.
Ask Sir Mix-A-Lot
Bantu Tribesman uses modem to crush nut
Evil Genius Gates drops Windows 98 in NY Water Suplly
Bill Gates Grants Self 23(?) Dexterity, 21(?) Charm
RC Cola Celebrates 10th Sale
Study Reveals: Babies are Dumb
GM Halts Production of Neck Belts.
Supercomputer beaten up by more popular computer.
Rwanda gets plant. "It totally ligthens up the place."
These are just off the top of my head, there are a lot more great ones that everybody should read in the archives.
-- atomly
I can't wait for the newest print edition to arrive. In the meanwhile I guess I can look over "Our Dumb Century".. Gotta love the story about an old school foe of Bill Gates getting attacked by 'Killer Microsoft Robots' ;>
I think this theory is, like, wrong. The universe isn't a subatomic particle in another universe, it's a subatomic particle in itself. I mean, that's my theory. Not like I wanna, you know, fucking blow your mind or anything.
Always keep a sapphire in your mind
Yeah, until some thoughtless bastard smashes our atom/universe against some other atom/universe in his particle accelerator. THE SENSELESS SLAUGHTER AT FERMILAB MUST BE STOPPED!
Sincerely,
Ludwig Yamamoto
People For The Ethical Treatment of Atoms
Yes, I think it has appeared before, but as one of those 'headline only' stories that take up the far left hand column.
Obviously they thought it was too good an idea just to remain a headline!
TheOnion is classic MadTown. It often doesn't have anything intelligent to say, so it resorts to obscenity.
I'm not including a link to the Bogus News Network because it would be far to intellectual for you.
Like, we could all be nothing more than this little dot in the fingernail of some huge-ass giant dude.
Great site, I luv it!! Love parodies of BS like tabloids and adverts.
The above was, I think, lifted from "Ferris Buehler's Day off" almost verbatim right down to the fingernail bit, or was it finger? Anyway, I like playing the "this came from that" game, or was influenced by, blahblah.
Chuck
try { do() || do_not(); } catch (JediException err) { yoda(err); }
Trust me on this one - as if the Onion isn't funny enough on it's own merits, try running an article through the dialectizer located at
http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect
Use this knowledge wisely
Ever since my 1024x786 on a 14" monitor days I would increase the size of the fonts by two points (in the preferences dialogue). That should solve problems concerning the readability of the Onion, and about half of all other websites in existence.
--- Journals are boring; Go to my web page instead
The two funniest stories i have read there would have to be "Control of Russia Handed Over to Random Flock of Geese" and "Mir Scientist Study Effects of Weightlessness on Mortal Terror"
Just the photo in the Geese one was enough - that goose standing on the table with Yeltsin staring at it
The way the Mir one was written was hilarious - as if the Mir was not a space research station but rather a research station to test how shitscared they can get their cosmonauts.
Anyway, I'm very glad it's back...
If anyone remebers this far back.. some of the apologies they've printed have been great. "Last Wednesday, The Onion incorrectly reported that the sun would soon explode into a searing explosion of flaming death. To all those that clawed their own eyes out and murdered their own children, rather than suffer the intolerable flaming death at 40,000degrees, The Onion apologises.
The reason The Onion is funny is because it has no agenda other than humor.
However, it's not to small on my computer -- and I'm using the standard settings -- so I don't know why it is on yours.
He even expains how he is able to "maintain an erection for up to fifteen minutes on a single battery charge." Hilarious, repulsive, and offensive, all at once. That's the Onion.
No sig.
rotffl!!!
_ ______________
"Rejoice. Th' Onion is back wif a noo edishun, af'er a month's hiatus. Durin' th' bust they haf done a li'l redesign of th' main page. I've got some readin' to does. " As allus, th' Onion brin's a smile t'mah face, along wif some belly laughs, an' some so't of problem wif mah digestive system, dawgone it."
for even greater fun, try various combinations of babelfish and the dialectizer...
ok ok - give me a break - i'm doing db2 admin on aix... : ( can you blame me for finding distractions?
__________________________________
$which weed
Plus, this issue is uncharacteristically unfunny. Give me a good Herbert Kornfield article, a funny Jim Anchower article, a humorous infographic, or a nice Onion Kid's Corner. Lately those have been somewhat lacking. I shouldn't complain, though, it's still one of my favorite sites on the net. And if anybody disagrees, I might have to break out my letter opener of death...
-Drew Boyles-
dboyles@resnet.gatech.edu
-- "Complacency is a far more dangerous attitude than outrage." -Naomi Littlebear
What a coincidence. My birthday, which was already very cool for coinciding with the Apollo moon landing, is now also the day the Onion returns.
And I have to say, the Onion totally rocks. It is easily one of the funniest, if not the funniest, thing on the internet.
These writers are obviously very smart, talented people, and the articles have plenty of wit showing through. Besides being funny, it is an excellent source of comentary. If you can pick out the sarcasm and read what they are really saying (many people can't, it seems) then it is probably one of the most accurate journalistic sources out there.
I used to think that the Onion was the perfect tabloid - something that the Star and Enquirer wish they could hold a candle to. Then I realized that, unfortunately, there is a large audience out there that just isn't smart enough for the kind of content the Onion blesses us with each week.
Keep up the good work!
Vidi, Vici, Veni
My personal favorite is New Study Finds College Binge Drinking To Be A Blast. But maybe I'm just biased because I'm in college.
That will always be my favorite. *grin*
I wonder if my friendly local Baron bribed them or something
BTW, if you like political satire, do a net search on "Capitol Steps" and pick up an album or several. Good stuff.
I believe their story goes something like this:
"Well, we were going to do a Christmas pageant, but in all of Washington DC we couldn't find three wise men
And it just gets funnier. Of special interest to
"Somebody exploded a letter-bomb today
I also got a kick out of "Point/Counterpoint: Reservoir Dogs is Fucking Awesome vs. Reservoir Dogs is the Best Movie Ever", and the funny piece they did on the "Midwest peace process" between Illinois and Wisconsin. Other than that, the other replies have pretty much listed all the rest of the classics.
Long live the Onion!
We're going down, in a spiral to the ground
Because I've been there, man, been there.
How about:
Apple Employee Fired for Thinking Different
Where Does Bacon Come From?
Don't Feel Sad, I'm In Heaven Now, Singing With The Pretty Angels
I could go on.
Am I the only person who wants a sound file of Steven Hawking (or a sound-alike computer generated voice) saying "Man, that shit would be so fucked up."?
--
There is a fine line between stupidity and insanity. I should know, I'm standing on it.
Hola amigos! Gotta love The Cruise, dudes! Likewise, poor Jean Teasdale.
And mad props to Herbert Kornfeld, that phat Accounts Payable supervisor with the wack accounting skilz 'n' shit. Werd up!
Can't forget Smoove B, baby!
Regular feature I don't particularly care for: Jackie Harvey's Outside Scoop. I get the joke, it just doesn't make me laugh. And Ask [An Obsessed Person of Some Sort] doesn't do anything for me, either.
- Have a picture
What the hell does "The Onion" have to do with Linux or Computing or anything? The whole story is OFFTOPIC. Score -1.
arnt' you that dumbass trying to build the ultra computer?
_
"Subtle mind control? Why do all these HTML buttons say 'Submit' ?"
ReadThe ReflectionEngine, a cyberpunk style n