Richard M. Stallman, ubiquitously known as "RMS", is the Patron Saint of the "open source" movement. "Open Source" is a method of software distribution which implements a means of copy protection by not distributing the final program codes. Instead, the user must assemble this final "executive" code by hand, thus eliminating the need for the proprietary data which must be included in a company-distributed copy.
This is all fine and good, in theory, and the Open Source movement has garnered a vast following from across the untamed corners of the internet. In this essay, I will explore how Mr. Stallman came to embrace this movement.
RMS was born in Modesto, California and attended Berkeley University. This shouldn't surprise anyone, since Berkeley is the Liberal Hive of America and RMS is an admitted communist. RMS began his bizarre lifestyle while attending Berkeley, where he occupied the attic of a clock tower. This eccentricity continues today and RMS will not travel without a grandfather clock and a spitoon.
RMS' penchant for thievery was evident from the very beginning. His attic "apartment" was filled with equipment stolen from the Berkeley computer labs. This was quite an achievement in the early '70s, when any computer equipment was the size of a refrigerator.
RMS and his hacker friends cut class regularly, opting to spend their time and parent's money constructing illegal electronics devices designed to covertly access phone lines. The group of pirates would hack into the phone company, and charge enormous phone bills to unsuspecting Republican professors.
It was during this period that Stallman met Steve Jobs. RMS' technical savvy was far exceeded by that of Jobs and, never one to like being second-best, this caused him to pursue software hacking. RMS' hacking ability was innate and he and Jobs formed an alliance which would later result in the birth of Apple Computer.
Jobs' technical accumen was matched only by his ability to sell. He designed the internal electronics and outer package design of the first Apple, which was financed by Nolan Bushnell. He set RMS on to the task of developing the computer's "operating system" - a sequence of low-level MS-DOS commands which tell the computer how to decode program codes.
Though a gifted "coder", Stallman was quite lazy and didn't fare so well with the new operating system. His sloppy design and bloated codes were barely useable on the first microcomputer. Jobs dumped Stallman and hired John Wozniack to rewrite the internal operating system codes for the Apple I.
This situation didn't sit too well with RMS. Though he effectively dropped out of college, through non-attendance, he remained in the clock tower, unbeknownst to the faculty and administration of Berekely. His bizarre reclusiveness and tendency to "hack" only in the night kept him invisible to everyone, though rumors did circulate around campus about the "haunted clock-tower" and the deformed ghost that would occasionally appear, transluscent white, on top of the tower playing a magical flute.
Stallman grew sullen and withdrew into his own world in the clock tower. He watched as the joint Apple/Microsoft empire grew to become the computer industry and he vowed to topple it by undermining the livelyhood of his arch-rival Steve Jobs (and, by extension, Bill Gates) with his illegal offerings.
Stallman conspired with Linux Torvaledse, another Berkeley student, to create a hacker operating system which could be used to leverage the internet and wreak havoc on corporations everywhere. RMS even went so far as to use Microsoft's innovative GUI (Graphical User Implementation) which he had stolen from Microsoft's mainframe computer and given the hacker alias "X-Windows". Unfortunately, RMS was not able to acquire the latest Microsoft GUI codes and was thus forced to settle for an inferior version.
Richard M. Stallman. The eccentric visionary who
founded the Free Software Foundation. He is the leader
of the Free Software movement and hero and moral
conscience of linux users worldwide. RMS has taught us
the true meaning of "freedom" (it means speech, not
beer) and has shown us the fatal flaws in a capitalist
system that has worked for hundreds of years. But Mr.
Stallman has never shed light on his private life.
The reason for this has remained a mystery. Until now.
Once again, I have been in contact with the great
voices from beyond. Channelled through the Natalie
Portman poster mounted on the wall behind my computer
monitor, these great spirit guides have revealed the
sordid truth of Mr. Stallman's ghastly life of sex,
lies and free software. Warning: this article is not
for the faint-hearted.
Mr. Stallman's story begins on the shores of Japan.
after the surrender of the Japanese to American forces,
the United States sent in military leaders to help
rebuild Japan. Donal Stallman was an officer in the
Navy at the time and was a member of the American
entourage. Donal was a very strict officer and not
well-liked by his underlings. For this same reason, in
addition to the fact he would stick his nose up any
asshole he could sniff out, his superiors adored him.
Donal had never had much luck with women, a chronic,
incurable problem with body odor scared away most women.
The few who would approach him were, without exception,
scared away by his gruesome foot disease, which caused
huge flaps of necrotic flesh to constantly peel from his
feet. Donal had suffered with these afflictions most of
his life and so was a very lonely man. Donal was hoping
his luck would change in Japan. And it would... but not
in the way he was hoping.
Late one evening, after a long day of meetings with
Japanese officials, Donal decided to go for a lonely
walk. He had hit on practically every woman, cute teen
girl and 12-year-old in japan, all to no avail. He
stumbled down the wet, radioactive streets, guzzling on
a bottle of whiskey he had brought with him.
Donal was startled when a street-light popped and
darkened. He stumbled blindly forward, tripping over
an enormous mass. Donal lit a match and held it to
the mass... it was the sumo-wrestler he had read about
in the newspaper! The poor man had been shunned by all
of Japan when it was discovered that, due to severe
radiation poisoning, he had grown a complete set of
female reproductive organs. The doctors had refused to
treat him and turned him to the streets, where he was
left to die.
Donal felt the wrestler's pulse... he had none. He
didn't appear to be breathing. But... the body was
still strangely warm. Donal felt the wrestler's genital
area... it was the first time he had ever enjoyed the
moist warmth of a vagina. Excited beyond words, Donal
grasped the corpse and pulled it back to the ship, where
he hid it in an unused, lower-deck storage area. That
night, Donal lost his virginity.
Nine months later, Donal Stallman returned to the
United States with his son, Richard. Donal was bitter
over his ejection from the Navy and grieving the loss of
his beloved, who was confiscated by the military and sent
to a secret facility in New Mexico for analysis. Donal
would take his frustrations out on young Richard.
The years of mental and physical abuse severely
corrupted Richard's mind. The episodes of molestation,
in which he was forced to wear foam chicken feet,
warped him beyond all recognition. To make matters
worse, Richard had inherited his father's body odor
and necrotic foot problems as well as his mother's
dual-sexuality and weight problems. Despite all these
problems, Richard was a quick thinker and an excellent
stu
In Perens' response, he speaks of HP's idemnification being limited to the actual cost of their covered products. I think if someone is going to put themselves in place a spokesperson for the community, they'd better damn well know what they're talking about.
Seriously, though, how could ESR have developed these valuable mating tips?
Nobody can make me believe that even if he offered all of his newfound wealth to the
most hard-up crack-whore on the streets of New York he could get his stinger wet. My
Philosophy professor always said, "you cannot invoke magic or God and expect to win
an argument in this class." I am therefore left to reach only one possible conclusion.
What follows is the only possible explanation for ESR's
Sex Tips for
Geeks.
The room was dark and the night was cold as the rain pelted against the window.
Eric paid no attention, though, absorbed as he was in the warm glow of his computer
monitor. A raspy voice grated out of the speakers situated on either side of his
monitor, "you've got mail!"
It was his mother's voice, which he had recorded to use with the perl AOL
interface he had been working on for the past 10 years. Eric smiled and wiped
the sweat condensing in his palm on his thin swatch of hair, only to replace the
sweat with the grease oozing from his scalp. His hands shaking, Eric
simultaneously pressed the ctrl, alt, shift, F1 and page down keys to retrive the
new mail message. He read the message allowed, his voice quivering with
excitement.
"hi! i will meet with u on chat 7pm tonite! c u then, xoxoxoxo suzee."
Eric expunged a bulb of gas from his spastic bowel as he checked his watch. 6:57
pm. His shaking grew more extreme, more uncontrollable. He could barely press
the key sequence alt, space, F10, F3, tab, scroll-lock, page-up and end to bring
up his open-source AOL chat client. Eric was barely able to situate his notebook
and ink his quil before the chat client began to load. Eight minutes later, the
client was ready to go.
"hi eric," came the message.
Eagerly, Eric replied, "hi, suzee! how r u tonite?"
"fine, thanks. u r late! i wuz worried!"
Eric scribbled in his notebook, "women like promptness."
"i am sorry:( what did u do today?"
"it's ok..."
"Politeness goes a long way," he wrote.
"... i got in trouble in school becuz i hit this guy becuz
he kept pulling my hair:("
"No hair-pulling," he noted.
"so. what grade r u in?" Suzee asked.
Eric blushed. The large beads of sweat began to roll down his face to fall
on his keyboard. He wiped his forhead with his hand and picked up more grease
from his thin red hair. Shaking, he replied to Suzee, "i am not in school n e
more."
"that is kool! what do u do then?"
"Girls like men who are no longer in school," He scribbled, before replying.
"i write about my newfound riches and how open-source is a superior method
of software development."
There was a long pause. Eric's leg began to shake nervously. A
First, why are you responding to an obvious troll?
Second, have you ever tried to write commercial software using the GPL? Yeah, you have to pay for a QT license if you want to write commercial software with it, but it isn't very expensive and at least you get to keep the rights to your own damn software! You write a commercial app under the GPL and you're screwed. I don't care how much RMS says you still have the right to charge money for it. So does everyone else.
[22:58] ùíù CmdrTaco [~malda@0.0.0.0] has joined #trolls
[22:59] <TheReverand> yeah
[22:59] <TheReverand> hell yeah
[22:59] ùíù mode/#trolls [+v CmdrTaco] by ater
[22:59] <CmdrTaco> not done yet;)
[22:59] <CmdrTaco> gimme a bit.
[22:59] <OOG_THE_CAVEMAN> TACO!!!
[22:59] <TheReverand> that's coolk
[22:59] <Trollmastah> Hey bud, Nice Job, Thanks
[22:59] <Trollmastah> See I told you we'd be good.
[23:00] <Trollmastah> See if We can get Jeff for a few
minutes
[23:00] <ater> yeah that would 0wn
[23:01] <ater> brb
[23:01] <Trollmastah> osm, You still in Kansas?
[23:01] ùíù SignOff ater: #trolls (Quit: Leaving)
[23:01] <CmdrTaco> jeff needs to go to bed.
[23:01] <osm> missouri, actually
[23:01] <CmdrTaco> he has a kid and shit;)
[23:01] <Trollmastah> Thanks Rob, That was pretty good
[23:02] <timothy> I think he'd be a fun dad.
[23:02] <OOG_THE_CAVEMAN> heh
[23:02] <OOG_THE_CAVEMAN> wow
[23:02] <Trollmastah> His Mrs. Is pregnant? How'd that
happen??
[23:02] ùíù ater [ater@cloaked.dsl.hstntx.swbell.net] has
joined #trolls
[23:03] <timothy> I think I'd be a fun dad, too.
[23:03] ùíù mode/#trolls [+o ater] by OOG_THE_CAVEMAN
[23:03] <osm> my boss's wife recently had a baby who she is
breastfeeding.
[23:03] <Trollmastah> How old are you?? I'm a dad 4 times
over
[23:03] <osm> i saw it puke up mother's milk yesterday
[23:03] <Trollmastah> Yuk
[23:03] <osm> i have been turned off kids forever
[23:03] <ater> wow
[23:04] <Trollmastah> How did it taste?
[23:04] <ater> im still a friggin kid
[23:04] <osm> that was emotionally scarring
[23:04] <em> ouch, just got out of #forum... heheh
[23:04] <Trollmastah> I think you were pretty scarred
already
[23:04] <osm> you're probably right.
[23:04] <AOC> so taco, how many emails / day do you get
complaining about trolls?
[23:05] <CmdrTaco> not that many.
[23:05] <timothy> breastfeeding is amazing.
[23:05] <Trollmastah> Your pretty good about responding to
ours.
[23:05] <CmdrTaco> most email just says "Slashdot is broken"
[23:05] <ater> yeah
[23:05] <CmdrTaco> and they use the acts of a dozen trolls
as proof.
[23:06] <TheReverand> heh
[23:06] <Trollmastah> But it's not. Don't they get it. It's
worknig just fine. Don't fic it if it isnt broken
[23:06] <CmdrTaco> I don't mind some of trolls. Some of them
are uncool.
[23:06] <osm> timothy: you just have to see that mucousy
white fluid one time... it'll make your spine crawl.
[23:06] <em> well, it's working better now with the cap,
IMHO...
[23:06] <AOC> jesus, it's like bnet's channel=trade over in
#forum
[23:06] <OOG_THE_CAVEMAN> yeah i seriously dont have an
issue with it
[23:06] <CmdrTaco> Like the ones that post hundreds of
comments.
[23:06] <TheReverand> So taco what was up with michael
today? That was really not cool
[23:06] <Trollmastah> Sorry
[23:06] <OOG_THE_CAVEMAN> i just like trolling:)
[23:07] <Trollmastah> Good thread today all in all though.
Quite spirited
[23:07] <TheReverand> Yeah I had a blast
[23:07] <timothy> I dunno, I think he was speaking honestly.
There are a lot of destructive posts, the equivalent of
earpoking, my new favorite analogy.
[23:07] <TheReverand> heh
[23:07] <timothy> Look...
[23:07] <OOG_THE_CAVEMAN> well
[23:07] <Trollmastah> Rob, Who was the first Bitchslap? Was
it a bot we never heard about?
[23:07] <em> but he was addressing it at the wrong people...
[23:08] <timothy> when I walk around a town with kids, I
tell them funny stories, most of which aren't true.
[23:08] <timothy> That's trolling, maybe, in the idealized,
"just another voice sense."
[23:08] <OOG_THE_CAVEMAN> yeah, i dont think he should have
called that random poster a troll
[23:08] <CmdrTaco> only a couple dozen folks were ever bitch
slapped.
[23:08] ð ater/#trolls coughs at osm:)
[23:08] <TheReverand> Seriously, 99% of the stuff I post I
really believe, it is just considered trolling around here
[23:08] <CmdrTaco> conspiracy theorists just used it as
their random complaint.
[23:08] <timothy> If I told them pornographic stories, threw
a few down manholes, and got some lost on purpose just to
make them cry, that's the usual trolling reality.
[23:08] <ater> yeah
[23:08] <TheReverand> I am NOT slashdot correct
[23:09] <Trollmastah> Does that include some of our doubles?
*Grin*
[23:09] <osm> thanks, ater... i'm proud of my bitchslapping
[23:09] <em> same for me...
[23:09] <ater> all my Emerson Willowick stuff is just a
scary bigot version of myself
[23:09] <em> yup. me too
[23:09] <CmdrTaco> we know who is doubles.
[23:09] <Trollmastah> Me Too! Sort of a -two crew.
[23:09] <CmdrTaco> thats the sad thing.
[23:09] <ater> yeah i guessed
[23:09] <CmdrTaco> you guys are a lot less numerous then you
pretend to be.
[23:09] <em> Estanislao is me, but with a huge ego and no
compassion
[23:09] <TheReverand> ha
[23:09] <timothy> I am probably the most likely of the
slashdot authors (well, cliff and me both) to defent MS on
certain points... that's gotten me marked as a troll /
flamebait.
[23:09] <CmdrTaco> thats the thing that makes it so
frustering.
[23:09] <Trollmastah> Yeah, but in the long run ""It's all
good"
[23:10] <ater> why so
[23:10] <CmdrTaco> if 25 people shut up, trolling Slashdot
would be virtually non existant.
[23:10] <Trollmastah> Yup
[23:10] <ater> fair
[23:10] <TheReverand> Hey Taco, any doubles WE don't know
about ?
[23:10] <AOC> which would be a shame, in my opinion
[23:10] <CmdrTaco> I could work 8 hour days.
[23:10] <Trollmastah> Actually it's more like 12
[23:10] <CmdrTaco> I would get 1/2 the flame.
[23:10] <CmdrTaco> I could take a day off occasionally.
[23:10] <ater> hm
[23:10] <CmdrTaco> maybe see my girlfriend.
[23:11] <TheReverand> Yeah but you drive a BMW
[23:11] <timothy> speaking of day off, have a good tomorrow.
[23:11] <CmdrTaco> not have sore wrists 3 out of 5 days.
[23:11] <CmdrTaco> a *leased* BMW;)
[23:11] <Trollmastah> You don't get real flame from us do
you? Most of our correspondence with you has been very on
the level.
[23:11] <TheReverand> heh
[23:11] <CmdrTaco> I don't get flame *from* you.
[23:11] <TheReverand> about us I think
[23:11] <CmdrTaco> I get flame because slashdots moderation
system is evil and corrupt.
[23:11] <Trollmastah> I get it.
[23:11] <ater> i honestly think most of the vocal people
would always be finding some shit to complain about
[23:11] <timothy> keybaords don't hurt wrists... mice and
trackballs hurt wrists.
[23:11] <CmdrTaco> and about 25 people are the whole reason.
[23:11] <AOC> do away with moderation then:)
[23:11] <CmdrTaco> oh yeah, that'd help.
[23:11] <timothy> CmdrTaco: on your special chair keyboard,
what is the pointing device?
[23:12] <CmdrTaco> I don't have that anymore, but it was a
touch pad.
[23:12] <osm> have you bitchslapped all of the 25?
[23:12] <CmdrTaco> nah.
[23:12] <ater> just you osm:)
[23:12] <CmdrTaco> I bet only like 5 non-bots were ever
bitchslapped.
[23:12] <CmdrTaco> maybe 10.
[23:12] <ater> think of it as a gift to natalie
[23:12] <TheReverand> Slashdot-Terminal!!!
[23:12] <AOC> true... trolling maybe an easy route for the
whiners to take, but it wouldn't stop there... there's
always another siggy
[23:12] <Trollmastah> Complaining. what a bunch u\of
professional victims. Those guys have nothing better to do
thankn complan\in about the forum.
[23:12] <CmdrTaco> thats the sad part.
[23:12] <osm> maybe you should... i think it's fair.
[23:12] <em> osm, kp,/.-term, who else?
[23:12] <osm> i'm perfectly happy posting at -1
[23:12] <ater> pbg
[23:12] <ater> syringe
[23:12] <TheReverand> ttm
[23:13] <em> but pbg and syring are bots, right?
[23:13] <Trollmastah> Your management of siggy was great.
[23:13] <ater> basically
[23:13] <CmdrTaco> several of those were bots.
[23:13] <AOC> and your management of vlad was great
[23:13] <CmdrTaco> I don't even remember these guys.
[23:13] <em> except for when you had to take back the "no
code for one person" bit...
[23:13] <Trollmastah> me
[23:13] <ater> well aside from oog
[23:13] <CmdrTaco> thats the thing, I don't keep track.
Usually I don't even read names.
[23:13] <ater> if i did most of my posts as normally how i
felt
[23:13] <osm> signal 11... god, i wish i'd flamed him more.
[23:13] <CmdrTaco> I just read the comments from a single
person.
[23:13] <ater> id still be branded a troll
[23:14] <ater> and im sure the same goes for the rest of us
here
[23:14] <timothy> signal11 did send in some good posts
sometimes. But he also acted rudely, far more often.
[23:14] <Trollmastah> He shot me a \note, you got to him
pretty good.
[23:14] <CmdrTaco> go after him on k5.
[23:14] <CmdrTaco>:)
[23:14] <TheReverand> same here
[23:14] <osm> i wish i could
[23:14] <CmdrTaco> He's a self righteous twit.
[23:14] <CmdrTaco> He thinks he's *so* important.
[23:14] <Trollmastah> You have a mean streak
[23:14] <em> the problem with siggy is he had so much karma
he could just do mental diarrhea...
[23:14] <CmdrTaco> It only rears its head once in a great
while.
[23:14] <CmdrTaco>:)
[23:14] <ater> heh
[23:14] <CmdrTaco> I'm very huggable:)
[23:14] <osm> i didn't realize how much so til i read his
little farewell speech... what an ass.
[23:14] <CmdrTaco> but sig11 pushed me to far.
[23:14] <Trollmastah> What happened to the fastdoc account?
[23:14] <timothy> why does that phrase keep coming up?!
[23:14] <CmdrTaco> he wrote me email like that all the time.
[23:15] <CmdrTaco> he was a pest.
[23:15] <CmdrTaco> he bitched about me every chance he got.
he thought he was so important to me.
[23:15] <timothy> ("I'm very huggable"?)
[23:15] <CmdrTaco> so I told him off.
[23:15] <AOC> fascdotkilledmypr started back around the same
time as MEEPT
[23:15] <ater> yeah i heard some fascdot references on
#forum but didnt see them
[23:15] <Trollmastah> Tim, not here dude.
[23:15] <ater> was fascdot a joke account too
[23:15] <AOC> no
[23:16] <Trollmastah> Sure it was
[23:16] <ater> so that guy really was a prick:)
[23:16] <TheReverand> Who's Joke was it?
[23:16] <TheReverand> That's the Question
[23:16] <AOC> if I recall correctly, he had a bunch of
"SlashdotSucksMyNuts" accounts and spammed all over the
place with them
[23:16] <Trollmastah> Rob, Did you really think the
Trollmastah account was a bot? That's flattering in sick
sort of way.
[23:16] <ater> ahh back before my times
[23:16] <ater> im a friggin youngin
[23:17] <CmdrTaco> I don't usually attach nicknames to
posters.
[23:17] <TheReverand> AOC that was me as "fascdot licks mah
ba" and IO only folwed him around
[23:17] <ater> lol i remember that
[23:17] <CmdrTaco> I don't think "I think user Bob is a
Troll"
[23:17] <AOC> no, this was before he showed up as fascdot
[23:17] <CmdrTaco> I find a user who is a bot.
[23:17] <TheReverand> aah
[23:17] <CmdrTaco> then I look.
[23:17] <CmdrTaco> I usually don't even check who it is.
[23:17] <CmdrTaco> thats the thing.
[23:17] <ater> aside from the spammers i dont see how trolls
could be a problem here
[23:18] <timothy> there's no policy against multi accounts,
right?
[23:18] <Trollmastah> Cool. I saw that on your K5 thread
with Siggy and got a kick out of it/
[23:18] <CmdrTaco> Folks think that I had "User Y" and user
Y gets a stick up his ass. Then he bitches. But I've never
*heard* of user Y.
[23:18] <ater> oh
[23:18] <CmdrTaco> Multi-accounts are fine as long as they
aren't abused.
[23:18] -Global(services@services.slashnet.org)- A log of
the Slashdot forum can be obtained from
http://www.slashnet.org/forums/Slashdot-05Oct00. txt
[23:18] <Trollmastah> Did you post that troll on the 10
grams sid?
[23:18] <CmdrTaco> if I see script behavior, they get
banned.
[23:18] <CmdrTaco> yeah.
[23:18] <CmdrTaco> I did;)
[23:18] <TheReverand> HA
[23:18] <CmdrTaco> suckers;)
[23:18] <ater> cool
[23:18] <TheReverand> THat RULED
[23:18] <TheReverand> It was all over the mailing list
[23:18] <AOC> that was excellent indeed
[23:19] <TheReverand> for about a week
[23:19] <Trollmastah> Thought so. Very funny, you had us
goin' for a while.
[23:19] <CmdrTaco> I got tons of mail from people who
thought it was real.
[23:19] <ater> i cant believe people fell for it:)
[23:19] <CmdrTaco> "You should know that someone haxx0red
you":)
[23:19] <Trollmastah> I did
[23:19] <CmdrTaco> it was great.
[23:19] ð CmdrTaco/#trolls is the king of trolls.
[23:19] <ater> heh
[23:19] <Trollmastah> LMAO! Yup
[23:19] <ater> he's one of us
[23:19] <CmdrTaco> the difference is I doing once every
couple months instead of 100 comments per day.
[23:19] <timothy> I have a separate account because
sometimes I want to say something that is eitherless
diplomatic... but not usually. Usually it's just nice to be
associated only witth previous posts made by a particular
account.
[23:19] <AOC> we have more free time
[23:20] <ater> oh yes
[23:20] <Trollmastah> WaNNA BE ADDED TO THE MAILING LIST?..
.. uMM eRRN nEVERMIND
[23:20] <CmdrTaco> I'd have more if you shut up a little.
[23:20] <Trollmastah> Understood
[23:20] <CmdrTaco> 25 people suck hundreds of hours of my
life.
[23:20] <ater> what exactly do you mean though... like spam,
offtopic shit, or Jon Erikson type trolls
[23:20] <timothy> I wonder if there are full-time trolls for
things like forums on the MS site, etc
[23:21] <TheReverand> I don't know I don't think that's
really fair, If people didn't know we were trolling they
wouldn't complain
[23:21] <osm> that's an idea, timothy!
[23:21] <timothy> ZDNet?
[23:21] <CmdrTaco> I WANT TO PRACTICE MY POWER CHORDS!
[23:21] <Trollmastah> What about the legal meta troll? Did
we have you going or just enable spam?
[23:21] <ater> the first 2 are things i try to limit from
time to time (except for OOG shit)
[23:21] <timothy> play Sweet Jane
[23:21] <TheReverand> I don't have time for this idiots"
[23:21] <ater> but if you mean like RWM trolls and stuff
like that i think its more an issue with the users:/
[23:21] <CmdrTaco> I don't typically fall for trolls.
[23:21] <timothy> I want to spend my free time with the
beautiful girls at the library who I can't even talk to...
[23:21] <AOC> If people aren't complaining about trolls,
they'd be complaining about something else
[23:21] <CmdrTaco> but other people do, and they email me
and bitch.
[23:22] <CmdrTaco> like the troll that was 'Slashdot banned
me'
[23:22] <TheReverand> CmdrTaco YOu want some guitar lessons?
Nex Time I'm in Grand Rapids
[23:22] <Trollmastah> Not the effect we were looking for.
[23:22] <CmdrTaco> the cease and desist one.
[23:22] ð CmdrTaco/#trolls loves lessons.
[23:22] <ater> you mean the osm thing, heh
[23:22] <ater> ?
[23:22] <TheReverand> Give me some karma
[23:22] <osm> teehee
[23:22] <TheReverand> heh
[23:22] <CmdrTaco> I got hundreds of emails from angry
people.
[23:22] <AOC> you need an automated responder, rob: "YHBT
YHL HAND"
[23:22] <Trollmastah> Would you be interested in seeing the
troll demographics? We have 'em arround here somewhaere
[23:22] <CmdrTaco> "YOU FUCKING SUCK! HOW DARE YOU! YOU
HYPOCRIT!"
[23:22] <em> http://www.io.com/~zikzak/troll_thesis.html
[23:22] <osm> sorry about that man... i really didn't expect
it would get that much of a response.
[23:22] <TheReverand> ttm which demo's you talking about?
[23:23] <CmdrTaco> you have any idea how much shit that put
me through?
[23:23] <TheReverand> heh
[23:23] <CmdrTaco> I'm just a guy here, nobody deserves
that.
[23:23] <timothy> em - you in Austin?
[23:23] <ater> CmdrTaco: how bout the more usual stuff, like
Jon Erikson, Estanislao Martinez, Emerson Wilowick, etc?
[23:23] <em> no
[23:23] <em> timothy: no
[23:23] <CmdrTaco> I don't know nicks.
[23:23] <CmdrTaco> unless they look like bots, I don't care.
[23:23] <em> timothy: that was ZikZak
[23:23] <ater> CmdrTaco: ok, well im referring to the
"extremist" type trolls
[23:23] <timothy> em - ok, I just see the io link, and
they're in Tx, right.
[23:23] <CmdrTaco> I don't know them by name.
[23:23] <Trollmastah> The generic ones with
age/location/married etc. the list we started when we
started the mail list
[23:23] <em> yep
[23:23] <timothy> I was timothy@io.com for a bit...
[23:24] <TheReverand> troll aha
[23:24] <TheReverand> I have that list
[23:24] <ater> the classic definition of troll if you will,
like posting flamebait
[23:24] <CmdrTaco> I don't care about the flamebait so much.
[23:24] <Trollmastah> It'd even tha playing field a little.
[23:24] <CmdrTaco> I care about intentionally lying to cause
someone else shit.
[23:24] <CmdrTaco> "Slashdot Did Lie X"
[23:24] <ater> ahh
[23:24] <CmdrTaco> thats the worst.
[23:24] <ater> i can understand that, i just avoid that shit
[23:24] <CmdrTaco> Or liable/slander stuffs.
[23:25] <CmdrTaco> like the bot posting Kathleen's home
phone number.
[23:25] <Trollmastah> It was all in fun, just got a little
out of hand
[23:25] <CmdrTaco> You know you can go to/jail/ for that if
I wasn't a good person.
[23:25] <CmdrTaco> not a joke.
[23:25] <osm> i don't think anyone here would do that
[23:25] <TheReverand> To be fair though, we only planned
that lawsuiot thing once, and we never actually named names
[23:25] ð timothy/#trolls is going to watch some TV now and
post from the couch.
[23:25] <ater> i was thinking of doing an "OOG_THE_CAVEMAN
gets sued my the producers of the Super Mario Brothers
cartoon" thing:)
[23:25] <CmdrTaco> you cna have the fucking FBI in your
house.
[23:25] <Trollmastah> The legal got out of hand, the phone
number was not us. We dont play like that
[23:25] <CmdrTaco> its *scary*
[23:25] <osm> i was getting death threats myself for a while
[23:25] <TheReverand> none of us would post personal info
that's just wrong
[23:25] <CmdrTaco> the phone number was syringe.
[23:25] <ater> yeah were good little trolls
[23:26] <AOC> goddam syringe
[23:26] <ater> ugh
[23:26] <timothy> someone post *my* girlfriend's number,
that's OK.
[23:26] <Trollmastah> Honestly, this is fun for us, we would
never intentionally screw with someone like that.
[23:26] <TheReverand> ha
[23:26] <osm> WE get screwed with like that.
[23:26] <CmdrTaco> I just wish you'd do it... less;)
[23:26] <TheReverand> Well we also wish you would have
posted Natalies Birthday!
[23:26] <CmdrTaco> the thing is that the slashdot moderation
system works really well.
[23:26] <Trollmastah> My wife posted my grlfriends number.
That sucked.
[23:27] <CmdrTaco> fuck natalies birthday.
[23:27] <CmdrTaco> that was retarted.
[23:27] <ater> damn
[23:27] <AOC> son of a bitch!
[23:27] <ater> we have married trolls?
[23:27] <osm> retarted?
[23:27] <osm> what does that mean?
[23:27] <ater> heh
[23:27] ð em/#trolls ducks
[23:27] <TheReverand> lol
[23:27] ð timothy/#trolls says goodnight to you all
[23:27] <ater> cya timothy
[23:27] ùíù timothy [~timothy@cloaked.dialup.mindspring.com]
has left #trolls []
[23:27] <em> night
[23:27] <CmdrTaco> but 25 or so users represent 75% of the
"Brokenness" in it.
[23:27] <osm> later, timothy
[23:27] <AOC> TIMMMMAH!
[23:27] <ater> hm
[23:27] <Trollmastah> Don't fuck with moderation, it does
work well. I say remove the cap. Part of the draw is the
gamesmanship.
[23:27] <em> nah, leave the cap op
[23:27] <em> nah, leave the cap on
[23:28] <TheReverand> Well have you seen the Fantasy Karma
Whore Game?
[23:28] <ater> in fairness id say that the trolls get lumped
with the troublemakers
[23:28] <Trollmastah> Ater, Dude, I'm 41, 4 kids adn a dog.
My life is over.
[23:28] <CmdrTaco> the cap works.
[23:28] <em> rev, you're just self-promoting right? you're
winning it
[23:28] <em>;)
[23:28] <CmdrTaco> wait till you see the next generation of
anti whoring code;)
[23:28] <TheReverand> em exactly
[23:28] <ater> i dont think ive seen rev, spiralx, and em do
something wrong
[23:28] <osm> lol, ttm
[23:28] <ater> Trollmastah: holy shit
[23:28] <ater> im just a 17 year old with no life:/
[23:28] <TheReverand> I find it hard to believe thast
everything PB says is so damned insightful
[23:29] <Trollmastah> PB LOL
[23:29] <em> he's user #1020, he's got 4-digit insights;)
[23:29] <TheReverand> or carnage4life
[23:29] <TheReverand> exactly
[23:29] <ater> heh
[23:29] <TheReverand> it's a game
[23:29] <TheReverand> Hell my astroturfin ass can stay at +2
all the damn time
[23:30] <ater> i found the best way to troll slashdot is to
post anything conservative:)
[23:30] <Trollmastah> It is a game. And trolling is just a
twist. Even the bitchslap was just another volly. Ag good
one too I might add. But it keeps us coming back.
[23:30] <AOC> taco voting for gore should provide some good
material:)
[23:30] <ater> dont vote gore, vote OOG!
[23:30] <Trollmastah> Go OOG go
[23:30] <ater> hellz yeah
[23:31] <ater> OOGs accepting the nomination tomorrow
[23:31] <TheReverand> I hope we don't all wake up
bitchslapped tomorrow morning;)
[23:31] <Trollmastah> Seriously Rob, Thanks for being so
sporting. We know you get spammed with crap, and we
understand. You've got a cool thing going here.
[23:31] <ater> true
[23:32] <TheReverand> Yeah and feel free to send all flames
you get about us to me
[23:32] <Trollmastah> Where's james Tonight? Changing Jobs
again?
[23:32] <ater> glad youre being a good guy about it
[23:32] <CmdrTaco> I just want you guys to understand
something.
[23:32] <Trollmastah> What?
[23:32] <CmdrTaco> You guys have caused me more shit then
any other thousand slashdot readers.
[23:32] <em> actually, send them to
k22320inchfan@methlab.nothing.org
[23:32] <TheReverand> there you go
[23:32] <CmdrTaco> I'm a human being and you're making my
life shittier.
[23:33] <AOC> there's a thousand trolls?
[23:33] <CmdrTaco> So at least be clever.
[23:33] <TheReverand> no AOC you idiot
[23:33] <CmdrTaco> Don't post fucking lame crap.
[23:33] <ater> if ive caused anything, then my aplogies
[23:33] <CmdrTaco> Don't post so often.
[23:33] <CmdrTaco> 1/2 the trolling, twice the brains.
[23:33] <Trollmastah> Not intended, we don't want to fsck up
you life, again it's just in fun. We'll try to be more
suble.
[23:33] <CmdrTaco> You'd make my life a helluva lot easier.
[23:33] <TheReverand> Hey I never even get up to 50 posts in
my history
[23:33] <ater> all right, but I am going through with oog
for president before i retire him:)
[23:34] <em> I'm in retirement myself...
[23:34] <ater> yeah im too lazy to get 50 posts
[23:34] <TheReverand> same here
[23:34] <CmdrTaco> oog is so lame.
[23:34] <TheReverand> It's more of just a reading kind of
thing now
[23:34] <TheReverand> NOOOOOOO
[23:34] <CmdrTaco> thats the worst of them.
[23:34] <Trollmastah> I only post about twice a week.
Although I used to post a little bit more
[23:34] <CmdrTaco> creativeity of a chimp.
[23:34] <osm> i have a job in the mortgage business, i can't
post as much
[23:34] <ater> heh i agree
[23:34] <CmdrTaco> used to post fucking way to much.
[23:34] <ater> im wondering how the fuck people liked it:/
[23:34] <CmdrTaco> oog is like a poop joke.
[23:34] <CmdrTaco> 3rd graders could do it.
[23:34] <ater> yes
[23:34] <CmdrTaco> thats the lamest kind of troll.
[23:34] <CmdrTaco> its not a troll, its spam.
[23:35] <CmdrTaco> its being a pest just to be a pest.
[23:35] <AOC> but "BREAK HEAD WITH OPENSOURCE CD" is just...
classy
[23:35] <CmdrTaco> *so* lame.
[23:35] <Trollmastah> Just for reference are you interested
in what we actually do for a living?
[23:35] <CmdrTaco> understand that I get email once a week
that says
[23:35] <CmdrTaco> "Accounts like Ooog are proof that
Slashdot doesn't work"
[23:35] <CmdrTaco> think about that when you do lame trolls.
[23:35] <ater> the funny thing is oog got whored up to 70
karma
[23:35] <AOC> andover needs to hire you an email secretary
[23:35] <ater> k
[23:35] <CmdrTaco> "You should ban oogs IP"
[23:36] <Trollmastah> We know the differene between spam and
trolling.
[23:36] <ater> ok fair enough
[23:36] <CmdrTaco> I have a guy who may become my email
secretary.
[23:36] <CmdrTaco> he's gonna be tech support.
[23:36] <CmdrTaco> but he may start reading
malda@slashdot.org
[23:36] <CmdrTaco> that makes me cry.
[23:36] <ater> i wanna do one last thing and then oog's
retiring
[23:36] <Trollmastah> Vote OOG!!
[23:36] <ater> i havent used him in months anyway
[23:36] <CmdrTaco> You fuckers stole my email address.
[23:36] <CmdrTaco> bitches!
[23:36] ð CmdrTaco/#trolls grins.
[23:36] <Trollmastah> Huh?
[23:37] <CmdrTaco> because of crap like you, I can't even
read my own email without help!
[23:37] <TheReverand> heh
[23:37] ð CmdrTaco/#trolls sighs.
[23:37] <AOC> "Trolling makes baby Jesus^H^H^H^H^HRob cry"
[23:37] <CmdrTaco> Jesus does NOT have wheels ralph.
[23:37] <TheReverand> I want Cmdr on the mailing list
[23:37] <osm> yes
[23:37] <osm> join our mailing list, rob
[23:37] <CmdrTaco> enough for tonight.
[23:37] <CmdrTaco> tired.
[23:37] <Trollmastah> Would you participate?
[23:37] <CmdrTaco> 16 hours without a break.
[23:37] <ater> all right, perhaps we could continue this
some other time
[23:38] <CmdrTaco> I don't want to be on another list.
[23:38] <CmdrTaco> to much email already.
[23:38] <osm> we don't want you on it anyway
[23:38] <CmdrTaco> I already have a hundred lines of
filters.
[23:38] <Trollmastah> Agreed. Thanks Rob. And We heard what
you said.
[23:38] <ater> thanks for your time, ill take your advice
into consideration
[23:38] <CmdrTaco> right;)
[23:38] <CmdrTaco> sure ya will;)
[23:38] ùíù CmdrTaco [~malda@0.0.0.0] has left #trolls []
You all keep posting your derisive comments about Red Hat's latest release, 7.0. Our Friend, Bero. Let me tell you a little story about this "Bleeding Edge, Broken Release," as you like to call it...
Bero was walking down the street in some hick town in Oklahoma. It was a brisk Autumn day and Bero was shivering in his jean jacket as he contemplated his lot.
"Why don't people like me? Why am I so unpopular with those cool guys on Slashdot?"
As Bero walked, lost in his thoughts, a tall, thin man approached. The man had a face that was badly scarred by acne and a long, black moustache that glistened with natural oils. The man stumbled into Bero.
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," the man said as he lifted Bero from the sidewalk, "I didn't see you coming!"
"It's ok," Bero said, on the verge of tears, "I didn't see you coming either."
The man brushed the dust and horse manure off of Bero and looked at his sullen face, "my god! You, sir, are a star waiting to be born! You must come with me to Hollywood, where I will launch you on a stellar acting career and land you guest appearances on Oprah!"
Bero was shocked, "yes."
Bero went to Hollywood with Mr. Garcia, who had just quit the used car business to become a big-city talent scout. Using elicit substances, he landed Bero a roll in the Upcoming "Star Wars: Episode II" movie.
Bero auditioned many times before landing the role, pulling up his deepest feelings of rejection, which had been heaped upon him on Slashdot. Finally, Bero's life was about to change.
Bero sat in his chair, which displayed his name with a single star above it. He watched the crew prepare for the next shot, in which Bero was to portray a Mexican fetal sloth. He noticed a nubile figure approaching from the fake mist...
Bero did not recognize the pouting teen breasts and firm teen buttocks that bounced his way. The long, flowing, silken hair stirred no hormonal reaction. Natalie approached Bero, smiling coyly.
"Hello, Bero. My name is Natalie. I am hot and young and an actress!"
"Hello, Natalie. I am Bero. I am a lowly point-oh release. I will be replaced with superior products. I am broken and unstable."
Natalie put her tender hand tenderly on Bero's tender chest, "You are like a cottonwood seed, caught by the March winds and blown into my back yard, where you land on my face and tickle my cute teen nose!"
Bero's heart melted. He, at last, knew bliss!
"Let us run away together, Bero! Let us forget the bright lights and plastic faces of Hollywood! Let us forget the wandering sheep of Slashdot! Let us merge together and make our own point release!"
Bero leapt from his chair and clung to Natalie's neck. They laughed heartily as the walked off the set.
Bero and Natalie sat on the beach of Cancoon, absorbing the life-giving rays of sunshine. Natalie caressed Bero's shock of hair, "I have a 4 gigabyte SCSI (pronounced 'sexy') drive I'd like to install YOU on!"
Leave Timothy alone. At least he doesn't stand around street corners, wearing green tights, green elfen shoes, a Santa Clause belt, a green robin hood hat and a live rat as a nose piercing. Furthermore, he doesn't eat oatmeal and raisin cookies from a ceramic cookie jar while dressed in such attire.
Do Germans? Probably. I think that is their biggest problem there. But, what else is one to do in a rat-infested population with a booming cookie industry. It's not like it can be helped.
DAMN THE WALL!
ROB MALDA EXPOUNDS ON WEARABLE COMPUTERS
on
Wearable Computers
·
· Score: 1
the slashdot bunch
cute-teen-natalie is walking through the yard, carrying her school-books. teen-osm
and six-year-old-osm are playing catch with a football. 6-year-old-osm misses the ball
and it heads for cute-teen-natalie.
teen-osm: cute-teen-natalie, look out!
it is too late, the ball hits cute-teen-natalie in the head, knocking her hair loose,
such that it flows elegantly down her back. she begins to weep and runs inside, the boys
follow.
cute-teen-natalie: mom! mom! oh, this is awful!
hemos: what is it dear?
cute-teen-natalie: the football hit me on the side of the head. it knocked my
hair loose so that it flows elegantly down my back! i am now even more beautiful! this
is awful!
female-signal 11 and male-signal 11 enter the kitchen.
female-signal 11: mom!
hemos: what is it, signal 11?
male-signal 11: we are tired of being the middle child! we are tired of having
to play with ourself in the basement!
hemos: signal 11, i told you not to play with yourself! that is why you are in
the basement in the first place! six-year-old-natalie, come in here!
six-year-old-natalie joins the others in the kitchen.
six-year-old-natalie: yes, mother?
hemos: now, you, six-year-old-osm, cute-teen-natalie and teen-osm have been
very mean to signal 11. i want you and six-year-old-osm to go to your room until supper.
the same goes for cute-teen-natalie and teen-osm.
six-year-old-natalie: oh, six-year-old-osm, finally we may explore each other
in our childlike innocence! how my undeveloped breasts and unfattened buttocks have
yearned for your boyish hand!
six-year-old-osm: hooray!
the six-year-olds hold hands as they skip off to their room.
cute-teen-natalie: teen-osm! we may finally consumate our teen curiosities!
how my pouting teen breasts tingle under my bodice! how my rump quivers in
anticipation!
teen-osm: by my open-source hand shall you take the next step to womanhood!
cute-teen-natalie & teen-osm: hooray!
teen-osm throws cute-teen-natalie over his shoulder and carries her to their
room.
male & female signal 11 turn to leave through the patio door.
hemos: where are you going signal 11?
male-signal 11: nobody appreciates us here. we are going to run away and
gain feelings of acceptance by bribing slashdot moderators with cheap crack to give us
karma.
hemos: hooray!
cmdrtaco enters the front door, carrying a brief-case.
cmdrtaco: hi, honey! i'm home!
hemos: oh, cmdrtaco! let us retire to the bedroom and frolick like the playful
imps we are! all day, i have been dreaming of commanding your taco into my throbbing
rectum.
as hemos and cmdrtaco walk to the bedroom holding hands, rms enters the kitchen.
he removes several pans filled with meat from the oven.
rms: hey! doesn't anyone want a piece of this gnu?! well, i guess i'll have
to eat it myself. shoot, just when i was trying to lose some weight.
"mickey and mallory know the difference between right and wrong. they just don't give a damn." - steven wright, natural born killers.
jon katz. champion of the outcast teen. what has made him so sympathetic to the cause of the columbine killers? why has this event seemingly resonated so deeply within him? is jon just sympathetic to the life of the modern teen? or is there something more? something insidious?
these are the questions i've been asking myself as i've read katz's obsessive columbine writings. these were the questions i was asking myself as i sat mesmerized by my natalie portman poster. like a torrent of sudden rain, my spirit guides bombarded me with the heinous images of jon's life. i was so disturbed i could barely bring myself to write this.
jon was born and raised in a small, southwestern town. his father, carlito, was a mexican immigrant who worked for the department of transportation, building highways. his mother, juno, was a gypsy who earned money by performing card readings. the family made a comfortable living and jon was a happy, outgoing child, who even contributed to the family income by cleaning dog excrement from the neighborhood sidewalks.
carlito was a hard-worker. in fact, he worked too hard. one particularly hot, sunny day, he was overcome with heat exhaustion. the incident had changed carlito forever. the charming, jovial, caring carlito became a vile, egomaniacal, misogynist. carlito soon lost his job and spent the rest of his days lounging around the house.
the first incident of abuse happened when jon was but 6 years old. juno had lured a siamese cat into the house. she let the cat roam around until it was time for her to prepare it for the family's dinner. jon had just come home from a long day of sidewalk cleaning. carlito was laying on the couch with a 40 ounce schlitz. the putrid stench of dog manure flooded the house as jon closed the door. carlito was roused from his wrestling match. infuriated, he jumped off the couch, grabbing juno's cat by the tail. carlito stormed over to jon, who had backed himself into a corner. jon could do nothing but cry as carlito severely beat him with the screeching cat.
the more jon cried, the more carlito beat him. after fifteen minutes of abuse, carlito plunged his hand into the stomach of the dead animal and gutted it right there in front of jon. he ate the entrails and forced his stunned son to wear the pelt as a hat for the rest of the week.
the beatings continued for a few more years, at a lesser severity. until just after jon's 10th birthday. jon invited his friend ron over to spend the night. carlito would usually hide in the bedroom whenever anyone visited, so it was always a good way for jon to escape the beatings. the boys had had fun roaming the neighborhood that evening, making castles with the dog excrement they found and then pretending to be giant monsters, from a japanese science fiction movie, going on a rampage and smashing the castles. the boys played hard that night and went to bed early.
but the boys could not sleep. instead, they decided to play doctor and various other games. the laughter awakened carlito. he stormed into the bedroom and flipped on the light. there, he beheld his son on all fours with his little friend mounting him from behind. the boys were playing "dog." carlito lost control. he threw ron out of the house, sending him walking home and picked jon up by the feet.
carlito stormed outside, carrying his naked son by the feet. he rampaged throughout the neighborhood stopping any time he ran across a dog. carlito would beat hapless animal to death, using his son as a club. once again, he would plunge his hand into the dead animal, remove its organs and devour them. he then collected the pelt.
after carlito had slaughtered twenty dogs, he tied together all of the pelts into a make-shift body-suit for jon. exhausted, and with jon bruised, bloodied and crying, carlito stumbled home. carlito wrapped jon in the gruesome clothing he had made and threw him into bed. he left the room momentarily, only to return with an empty 40-ounce. he stuck the open end into jon's rectum. jon cried himself to sleep.
jon grew sullen and withdrew from his classmates. his grades slipped into oblivion. the teachers knew what the problem was, but dared not speak up. jon would sit in class, staring blankly out the window. nothing seemed to interest him. he never did his assignments. he began to arrive at school wearing ozzy osbourne and motley crue t-shirts. the faculty continued to ignore him. jon had become lost in a nether-world and none could pull him out.
none but timmy. timmy's family had recently moved into town from california. jon felt him come in the room and turned from the window to behold his first real crush. timmy was tall, muscular, tanned and blonde. it was instant love for jon. but he dared not express his true feelings. he became best friends with timmy. they did everything together. jon's emotions were tearing him apart.
jon couldn't stand it and his father had taught him well. jon invited timmy to go searching for peyote. the two wandered deep into the desert, the hot sun beating down on them. the intense heat slowly began to affect jon. he turned pale. he began to shake uncontrollably. then timmy made a fatal mistake.
timmy put his hand on jon's shoulder and asked him if he was ok. jon became enraged. he picked up a rock and hit timmy in the head with it, knocking him unconscious. jon plunged his shaking fist into timmy's stomach and removed his organs, eating them on the spot. jon then removed the skin from the withered corpse and carried back to his car.
jon kept the skin in his room, making passionate love with it at night. snuggling with it in the morning. he would whisper sweet nothings into its ear and run his fingers through its golden head of hair. jon was in a state of bliss. until carlito detected the scent of rotting flesh. jon was given another gruesome beating.
jon fell in and out of love several times throughout highschool. each of the unfortunate objects of his affections would suffer the same fate and, once they mysteriously vanished from school, jon would return to his withdrawn state. only one teacher had the courage to try to help jon his senior year of highschool.
jon had signed up for a computer class that year. his computer teacher recognized jon was troubled and took special care with him. jon soon developed a deep love for his teacher. but jon was ashamed. he couldn't quite grasp the complicated concepts that were part of the course: basic wordstar usage, lotus 123 and flipping the power switch. jon felt like a fool in front of his new love. he could not deal with his feelings.
jon began to amass a deadly arsenal in his bedroom. he collected all manner of guns, rifles and bombs. he drew a detailed map of the school and devised a plan for decimating the entire building and everyone in it. jon dreamt of becoming a notorious mass-murderer, no longer ignored. no longer a powerless worm in the eyes of his beloved mr. donacelli.
the night before "senior day." jon decided to celebrate by getting drunk. tomorrow his glorious plan would come to fruition. jon got drunk off of a gallon of cheap vodka. utterly incoherent, he climbed onto the roof of his house with the remains of his bottle and a fat cigar. he danced, naked, on the rooftop and yelled at the top of his lungs, "i'm gay, touch my balls!"
jon's father woke from his alcoholic coma, not knowing that the neighbors had called the police. he ran outside and found jon on the roof. carlito climbed the side of the house and grabbed his son by the hair, throwing him onto the ground below. carlito spotted a lizard in the grass near jon. he jumped down, caught the lizard and began to severely beat jon. the police arrived within minutes.
the police immediately took carlito into custody. they searched the house and found jon's arsenal, which they confiscated, thinking it belonged to carlito. carlito was subsequently convicted of assault and conspiracy. jon would never be beaten again.
april 20, 1999. jon sat in front of his television watching with fascination as the columbine tragedy unfolded before his eyes. wistfully, jon thought back to his days in highschool. he knew these two young men were heros. they pulled it off. an accomplishment he had only dreamt of. jon took out his pen and paper and began work on his next slashdot article.
i read an interesting article in scientific american once. it mentioned how these neural net circuits would suddenly "remember" things as they were shut off. they talked about how it was like someone "seeing their life pass before their eyes" when they were dying. i wish i could remember the exact reference, it was very interesting. anyone else remember it?
ESR: OPEN SOURCE ADVOCATE OR GERMAN GAS CONSPIRATOR?
we, of the linux community, can no longer tolerate the scourge that is eric s. raymond. in the text that follows, i shall show that esr is NOT the innocent open source advocate everyone believes him to be. he is, in fact, a german conspirator in the petroleum industry.
mr. raymond is a complex personality, as are many of today's wealthy open-source advocates. most people are not willing to look beyond his open-source writings and dig deeper to find the truth. i WAS willing.
mr. raymond's firearms advocacy is well-known. what is NOT well-known is where this intense love of firearms originated. after scouring several records in libraries all over the nation, i tracked down mr. raymond's father... josef raymond.
josef schlecter was an anti-nazi activist in world war ii germany. fearful of nazi persecution, mr. schlecter had no choice but to design extremely sophisticated weaponry for the german army. he and his business partner, dieter van woehausen made a very comfortable living with their arms factory.
everything went smoothly for several years, until mr. van woehausen was discovered in a compromising position with a young hitler-youth, who shall remain nameless due to his being a minor at the time. young mr. schlecter watched in horror as the brown shirts cut his friend and business partner to pieces with machetes. to add insult to injury, mr. van woehausen's heart, having been left exposed by the mutilation, was abducted by a starving dog.
severely traumatized, and fearful for his family's safety, mr. schlecter gathered his wife eva, his young son erik and daughter heidi and left for america. to avoid persecution by suspicious fbi agents, mr. schlecter adopted the americanized version of his name: raymond. he also changed the names of his children to eric and janet.
mr. raymond made a good life for himself and his family in his new homeland. he built a formidable empire out of his full-service gas station chain... an industry increasingly under the control of german imigrants. young eric, however, was embittered and longing for his homeland.
several years later, mr. raymond passed away from consumption. while sorting through his deceased father's belongings, young eric came across several firearms manufactured in his father's old factory. eric packed his father's weapons in a duffel bag and left for germany to study the ways of the great german military leaders.
after months of intensive combat training and years of meditation in the mountains of germany, eric raymond returned to america to reclaim his father's vast petroleum empire. his strong-arm tactics and cunning ruthlesness were the envy of even the most powerful mob-bosses.
a few years ago, mr. raymond received word that he was about to be investigated by the fbi. where did he get this inside information? from his sister, janet... janet reno. mr. raymond turned control of the petroleum empire over to his eldest son, fredo, and disappeared for several months.
the next we heard of mr. raymond was his infamous, "the cathedral and the bazaar." mr. raymond had not forseen a small problem, however. the fbi did, in fact, continue its investigation of mr. raymond. but not mr. eric raymond.... mr. fredo raymond. mr. fredo raymond was imprisoned for conspiring to abduct and sexually assault a hot young actress... natalie portman. eric raymond regained control of his petroleum empire.
a sordid tale, i know. but think... stocks of linux-related companies have been plummeting... gas prices are increasing... coincidence? i think not.
no doubt is going to be playing here! i MUST meet gwen stefani! i'm going to replace all occurrences of "natalie portman" in all of my stories with "gwen stefani" and show them to her! then i'm going to say, "hey baby, there's a buffalo refuge 20 minutes from here!" Gwen will reply, "oh, open-source man! i have seen the inspiration and love behind your open-source writings! i will go see the buffalo with you and then walk in your spiderwebs! i must call my good friend, natalie portman and have her join us!"
psp is a wet dream for graphics work. the gimp is just to awkward for me. i can't seem to pick it up. psp has a really nice interface and some really powerful layer tools. the gimp needs these two things desperately.
the problem with the digital revolution is that it doesn't produce much that is "real." i mean, think about how much better online shopping would be if the items you ordered appeared instantly. that's what the digital age is about isn't? isn't that what people want... instant gratification? all you really need to make anything is a bunch of hydrogen, right?
just imagine it... you're surfing the net. you come across an interesting link. "mhmhmhmhmhmh... i sure would LOVE to have one of THOSE!"
you enter your credit card number, click a button and in a few minutes, you are in the throes of ecstasy!
Slashdot Mirror
i'd like to breed with natalie portman.
You are talking about lawyers... "their rudimentary sense of ethics"... BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
How about we just have Natalie Portman as Arwen. You tasteless boob.
Sure, the graphics are impressive, but how about doing something new?
Richard M. Stallman, ubiquitously known as "RMS", is the Patron Saint of the "open source" movement. "Open Source" is a method of software distribution which implements a means of copy protection by not distributing the final program codes. Instead, the user must assemble this final "executive" code by hand, thus eliminating the need for the proprietary data which must be included in a company-distributed copy.
This is all fine and good, in theory, and the Open Source movement has garnered a vast following from across the untamed corners of the internet. In this essay, I will explore how Mr. Stallman came to embrace this movement.
RMS was born in Modesto, California and attended Berkeley University. This shouldn't surprise anyone, since Berkeley is the Liberal Hive of America and RMS is an admitted communist. RMS began his bizarre lifestyle while attending Berkeley, where he occupied the attic of a clock tower. This eccentricity continues today and RMS will not travel without a grandfather clock and a spitoon.
RMS' penchant for thievery was evident from the very beginning. His attic "apartment" was filled with equipment stolen from the Berkeley computer labs. This was quite an achievement in the early '70s, when any computer equipment was the size of a refrigerator.
RMS and his hacker friends cut class regularly, opting to spend their time and parent's money constructing illegal electronics devices designed to covertly access phone lines. The group of pirates would hack into the phone company, and charge enormous phone bills to unsuspecting Republican professors.
It was during this period that Stallman met Steve Jobs. RMS' technical savvy was far exceeded by that of Jobs and, never one to like being second-best, this caused him to pursue software hacking. RMS' hacking ability was innate and he and Jobs formed an alliance which would later result in the birth of Apple Computer.
Jobs' technical accumen was matched only by his ability to sell. He designed the internal electronics and outer package design of the first Apple, which was financed by Nolan Bushnell. He set RMS on to the task of developing the computer's "operating system" - a sequence of low-level MS-DOS commands which tell the computer how to decode program codes.
Though a gifted "coder", Stallman was quite lazy and didn't fare so well with the new operating system. His sloppy design and bloated codes were barely useable on the first microcomputer. Jobs dumped Stallman and hired John Wozniack to rewrite the internal operating system codes for the Apple I.
This situation didn't sit too well with RMS. Though he effectively dropped out of college, through non-attendance, he remained in the clock tower, unbeknownst to the faculty and administration of Berekely. His bizarre reclusiveness and tendency to "hack" only in the night kept him invisible to everyone, though rumors did circulate around campus about the "haunted clock-tower" and the deformed ghost that would occasionally appear, transluscent white, on top of the tower playing a magical flute.
Stallman grew sullen and withdrew into his own world in the clock tower. He watched as the joint Apple/Microsoft empire grew to become the computer industry and he vowed to topple it by undermining the livelyhood of his arch-rival Steve Jobs (and, by extension, Bill Gates) with his illegal offerings.
Stallman conspired with Linux Torvaledse, another Berkeley student, to create a hacker operating system which could be used to leverage the internet and wreak havoc on corporations everywhere. RMS even went so far as to use Microsoft's innovative GUI (Graphical User Implementation) which he had stolen from Microsoft's mainframe computer and given the hacker alias "X-Windows". Unfortunately, RMS was not able to acquire the latest Microsoft GUI codes and was thus forced to settle for an inferior version.
RMS' continued interest in communism provided h
Richard M. Stallman. The eccentric visionary who founded the Free Software Foundation. He is the leader of the Free Software movement and hero and moral conscience of linux users worldwide. RMS has taught us the true meaning of "freedom" (it means speech, not beer) and has shown us the fatal flaws in a capitalist system that has worked for hundreds of years. But Mr. Stallman has never shed light on his private life. The reason for this has remained a mystery. Until now.
Once again, I have been in contact with the great voices from beyond. Channelled through the Natalie Portman poster mounted on the wall behind my computer monitor, these great spirit guides have revealed the sordid truth of Mr. Stallman's ghastly life of sex, lies and free software. Warning: this article is not for the faint-hearted.
Mr. Stallman's story begins on the shores of Japan. after the surrender of the Japanese to American forces, the United States sent in military leaders to help rebuild Japan. Donal Stallman was an officer in the Navy at the time and was a member of the American entourage. Donal was a very strict officer and not well-liked by his underlings. For this same reason, in addition to the fact he would stick his nose up any asshole he could sniff out, his superiors adored him.
Donal had never had much luck with women, a chronic, incurable problem with body odor scared away most women. The few who would approach him were, without exception, scared away by his gruesome foot disease, which caused huge flaps of necrotic flesh to constantly peel from his feet. Donal had suffered with these afflictions most of his life and so was a very lonely man. Donal was hoping his luck would change in Japan. And it would... but not in the way he was hoping.
Late one evening, after a long day of meetings with Japanese officials, Donal decided to go for a lonely walk. He had hit on practically every woman, cute teen girl and 12-year-old in japan, all to no avail. He stumbled down the wet, radioactive streets, guzzling on a bottle of whiskey he had brought with him.
Donal was startled when a street-light popped and darkened. He stumbled blindly forward, tripping over an enormous mass. Donal lit a match and held it to the mass... it was the sumo-wrestler he had read about in the newspaper! The poor man had been shunned by all of Japan when it was discovered that, due to severe radiation poisoning, he had grown a complete set of female reproductive organs. The doctors had refused to treat him and turned him to the streets, where he was left to die.
Donal felt the wrestler's pulse... he had none. He didn't appear to be breathing. But... the body was still strangely warm. Donal felt the wrestler's genital area... it was the first time he had ever enjoyed the moist warmth of a vagina. Excited beyond words, Donal grasped the corpse and pulled it back to the ship, where he hid it in an unused, lower-deck storage area. That night, Donal lost his virginity.
Nine months later, Donal Stallman returned to the United States with his son, Richard. Donal was bitter over his ejection from the Navy and grieving the loss of his beloved, who was confiscated by the military and sent to a secret facility in New Mexico for analysis. Donal would take his frustrations out on young Richard.
The years of mental and physical abuse severely corrupted Richard's mind. The episodes of molestation, in which he was forced to wear foam chicken feet, warped him beyond all recognition. To make matters worse, Richard had inherited his father's body odor and necrotic foot problems as well as his mother's dual-sexuality and weight problems. Despite all these problems, Richard was a quick thinker and an excellent stu
In Perens' response, he speaks of HP's idemnification being limited to the actual cost of their covered products. I think if someone is going to put themselves in place a spokesperson for the community, they'd better damn well know what they're talking about.
This guy is an embarrasment.
ESR has given us a compelling essay on the benefits of communal non-property. He has enriched our lives with a collection of stirring poetry. He has left an electronic legacy of just how gruesome the human form can get. And he has given every underdog geek hope with an inspiring account of his meteoric rise to unheard of riches.
But none of these compares to his Sex Tips for Geeks. After all, if these tips can get ESR into some hottie's pants, then any disgusting slob can get laid!
Seriously, though, how could ESR have developed these valuable mating tips? Nobody can make me believe that even if he offered all of his newfound wealth to the most hard-up crack-whore on the streets of New York he could get his stinger wet. My Philosophy professor always said, "you cannot invoke magic or God and expect to win an argument in this class." I am therefore left to reach only one possible conclusion. What follows is the only possible explanation for ESR's Sex Tips for Geeks.
The room was dark and the night was cold as the rain pelted against the window. Eric paid no attention, though, absorbed as he was in the warm glow of his computer monitor. A raspy voice grated out of the speakers situated on either side of his monitor, "you've got mail!"
It was his mother's voice, which he had recorded to use with the perl AOL interface he had been working on for the past 10 years. Eric smiled and wiped the sweat condensing in his palm on his thin swatch of hair, only to replace the sweat with the grease oozing from his scalp. His hands shaking, Eric simultaneously pressed the ctrl, alt, shift, F1 and page down keys to retrive the new mail message. He read the message allowed, his voice quivering with excitement.
"hi! i will meet with u on chat 7pm tonite! c u then, xoxoxoxo suzee."
Eric expunged a bulb of gas from his spastic bowel as he checked his watch. 6:57 pm. His shaking grew more extreme, more uncontrollable. He could barely press the key sequence alt, space, F10, F3, tab, scroll-lock, page-up and end to bring up his open-source AOL chat client. Eric was barely able to situate his notebook and ink his quil before the chat client began to load. Eight minutes later, the client was ready to go.
"hi eric," came the message.
Eagerly, Eric replied, "hi, suzee! how r u tonite?"
"fine, thanks. u r late! i wuz worried!"
Eric scribbled in his notebook, "women like promptness."
"i am sorry :( what did u do today?"
"it's ok..."
"Politeness goes a long way," he wrote.
"... i got in trouble in school becuz i hit this guy becuz he kept pulling my hair :("
"No hair-pulling," he noted.
"so. what grade r u in?" Suzee asked.
Eric blushed. The large beads of sweat began to roll down his face to fall on his keyboard. He wiped his forhead with his hand and picked up more grease from his thin red hair. Shaking, he replied to Suzee, "i am not in school n e more."
"that is kool! what do u do then?"
"Girls like men who are no longer in school," He scribbled, before replying.
"i write about my newfound riches and how open-source is a superior method of software development."
There was a long pause. Eric's leg began to shake nervously. A
dshalkfjasklfhlahfd
First, why are you responding to an obvious troll?
Second, have you ever tried to write commercial software using the GPL? Yeah, you have to pay for a QT license if you want to write commercial software with it, but it isn't very expensive and at least you get to keep the rights to your own damn software! You write a commercial app under the GPL and you're screwed. I don't care how much RMS says you still have the right to charge money for it. So does everyone else.
just wait until i die and they look at my kidneys.
[22:58] ùíù CmdrTaco [~malda@0.0.0.0] has joined #trolls ;)
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[22:59] <TheReverand> yeah
[22:59] <TheReverand> hell yeah
[22:59] ùíù mode/#trolls [+v CmdrTaco] by ater
[22:59] <CmdrTaco> not done yet
[22:59] <CmdrTaco> gimme a bit.
[22:59] <OOG_THE_CAVEMAN> TACO!!!
[22:59] <TheReverand> that's coolk
[22:59] <Trollmastah> Hey bud, Nice Job, Thanks
[22:59] <Trollmastah> See I told you we'd be good.
[23:00] <Trollmastah> See if We can get Jeff for a few
minutes
[23:00] <ater> yeah that would 0wn
[23:01] <ater> brb
[23:01] <Trollmastah> osm, You still in Kansas?
[23:01] ùíù SignOff ater: #trolls (Quit: Leaving)
[23:01] <CmdrTaco> jeff needs to go to bed.
[23:01] <osm> missouri, actually
[23:01] <CmdrTaco> he has a kid and shit
[23:01] <Trollmastah> Thanks Rob, That was pretty good
[23:02] <timothy> I think he'd be a fun dad.
[23:02] <OOG_THE_CAVEMAN> heh
[23:02] <OOG_THE_CAVEMAN> wow
[23:02] <Trollmastah> His Mrs. Is pregnant? How'd that
happen??
[23:02] ùíù ater [ater@cloaked.dsl.hstntx.swbell.net] has
joined #trolls
[23:03] <timothy> I think I'd be a fun dad, too.
[23:03] ùíù mode/#trolls [+o ater] by OOG_THE_CAVEMAN
[23:03] <osm> my boss's wife recently had a baby who she is
breastfeeding.
[23:03] <Trollmastah> How old are you?? I'm a dad 4 times
over
[23:03] <osm> i saw it puke up mother's milk yesterday
[23:03] <Trollmastah> Yuk
[23:03] <osm> i have been turned off kids forever
[23:03] <ater> wow
[23:04] <Trollmastah> How did it taste?
[23:04] <ater> im still a friggin kid
[23:04] <osm> that was emotionally scarring
[23:04] <em> ouch, just got out of #forum... heheh
[23:04] <Trollmastah> I think you were pretty scarred
already
[23:04] <osm> you're probably right.
[23:04] <AOC> so taco, how many emails / day do you get
complaining about trolls?
[23:05] <CmdrTaco> not that many.
[23:05] <timothy> breastfeeding is amazing.
[23:05] <Trollmastah> Your pretty good about responding to
ours.
[23:05] <CmdrTaco> most email just says "Slashdot is broken"
[23:05] <ater> yeah
[23:05] <CmdrTaco> and they use the acts of a dozen trolls
as proof.
[23:06] <TheReverand> heh
[23:06] <Trollmastah> But it's not. Don't they get it. It's
worknig just fine. Don't fic it if it isnt broken
[23:06] <CmdrTaco> I don't mind some of trolls. Some of them
are uncool.
[23:06] <osm> timothy: you just have to see that mucousy
white fluid one time... it'll make your spine crawl.
[23:06] <em> well, it's working better now with the cap,
IMHO...
[23:06] <AOC> jesus, it's like bnet's channel=trade over in
#forum
[23:06] <OOG_THE_CAVEMAN> yeah i seriously dont have an
issue with it
[23:06] <CmdrTaco> Like the ones that post hundreds of
comments.
[23:06] <TheReverand> So taco what was up with michael
today? That was really not cool
[23:06] <Trollmastah> Sorry
[23:06] <OOG_THE_CAVEMAN> i just like trolling
[23:07] <Trollmastah> Good thread today all in all though.
Quite spirited
[23:07] <TheReverand> Yeah I had a blast
[23:07] <timothy> I dunno, I think he was speaking honestly.
There are a lot of destructive posts, the equivalent of
earpoking, my new favorite analogy.
[23:07] <TheReverand> heh
[23:07] <timothy> Look
[23:07] <OOG_THE_CAVEMAN> well
[23:07] <Trollmastah> Rob, Who was the first Bitchslap? Was
it a bot we never heard about?
[23:07] <em> but he was addressing it at the wrong people...
[23:08] <timothy> when I walk around a town with kids, I
tell them funny stories, most of which aren't true.
[23:08] <timothy> That's trolling, maybe, in the idealized,
"just another voice sense."
[23:08] <OOG_THE_CAVEMAN> yeah, i dont think he should have
called that random poster a troll
[23:08] <CmdrTaco> only a couple dozen folks were ever bitch
slapped.
[23:08] ð ater/#trolls coughs at osm
[23:08] <TheReverand> Seriously, 99% of the stuff I post I
really believe, it is just considered trolling around here
[23:08] <CmdrTaco> conspiracy theorists just used it as
their random complaint.
[23:08] <timothy> If I told them pornographic stories, threw
a few down manholes, and got some lost on purpose just to
make them cry, that's the usual trolling reality.
[23:08] <ater> yeah
[23:08] <TheReverand> I am NOT slashdot correct
[23:09] <Trollmastah> Does that include some of our doubles?
*Grin*
[23:09] <osm> thanks, ater... i'm proud of my bitchslapping
[23:09] <em> same for me...
[23:09] <ater> all my Emerson Willowick stuff is just a
scary bigot version of myself
[23:09] <em> yup. me too
[23:09] <CmdrTaco> we know who is doubles.
[23:09] <Trollmastah> Me Too! Sort of a -two crew.
[23:09] <CmdrTaco> thats the sad thing.
[23:09] <ater> yeah i guessed
[23:09] <CmdrTaco> you guys are a lot less numerous then you
pretend to be.
[23:09] <em> Estanislao is me, but with a huge ego and no
compassion
[23:09] <TheReverand> ha
[23:09] <timothy> I am probably the most likely of the
slashdot authors (well, cliff and me both) to defent MS on
certain points
flamebait.
[23:09] <CmdrTaco> thats the thing that makes it so
frustering.
[23:09] <Trollmastah> Yeah, but in the long run ""It's all
good"
[23:10] <ater> why so
[23:10] <CmdrTaco> if 25 people shut up, trolling Slashdot
would be virtually non existant.
[23:10] <Trollmastah> Yup
[23:10] <ater> fair
[23:10] <TheReverand> Hey Taco, any doubles WE don't know
about ?
[23:10] <AOC> which would be a shame, in my opinion
[23:10] <CmdrTaco> I could work 8 hour days.
[23:10] <Trollmastah> Actually it's more like 12
[23:10] <CmdrTaco> I would get 1/2 the flame.
[23:10] <CmdrTaco> I could take a day off occasionally.
[23:10] <ater> hm
[23:10] <CmdrTaco> maybe see my girlfriend.
[23:11] <TheReverand> Yeah but you drive a BMW
[23:11] <timothy> speaking of day off, have a good tomorrow.
[23:11] <CmdrTaco> not have sore wrists 3 out of 5 days.
[23:11] <CmdrTaco> a *leased* BMW
[23:11] <Trollmastah> You don't get real flame from us do
you? Most of our correspondence with you has been very on
the level.
[23:11] <TheReverand> heh
[23:11] <CmdrTaco> I don't get flame *from* you.
[23:11] <TheReverand> about us I think
[23:11] <CmdrTaco> I get flame because slashdots moderation
system is evil and corrupt.
[23:11] <Trollmastah> I get it.
[23:11] <ater> i honestly think most of the vocal people
would always be finding some shit to complain about
[23:11] <timothy> keybaords don't hurt wrists
trackballs hurt wrists.
[23:11] <CmdrTaco> and about 25 people are the whole reason.
[23:11] <AOC> do away with moderation then
[23:11] <CmdrTaco> oh yeah, that'd help.
[23:11] <timothy> CmdrTaco: on your special chair keyboard,
what is the pointing device?
[23:12] <CmdrTaco> I don't have that anymore, but it was a
touch pad.
[23:12] <osm> have you bitchslapped all of the 25?
[23:12] <CmdrTaco> nah.
[23:12] <ater> just you osm
[23:12] <CmdrTaco> I bet only like 5 non-bots were ever
bitchslapped.
[23:12] <CmdrTaco> maybe 10.
[23:12] <ater> think of it as a gift to natalie
[23:12] <TheReverand> Slashdot-Terminal!!!
[23:12] <AOC> true... trolling maybe an easy route for the
whiners to take, but it wouldn't stop there... there's
always another siggy
[23:12] <Trollmastah> Complaining. what a bunch u\of
professional victims. Those guys have nothing better to do
thankn complan\in about the forum.
[23:12] <CmdrTaco> thats the sad part.
[23:12] <osm> maybe you should... i think it's fair.
[23:12] <em> osm, kp,
[23:12] <osm> i'm perfectly happy posting at -1
[23:12] <ater> pbg
[23:12] <ater> syringe
[23:12] <TheReverand> ttm
[23:13] <em> but pbg and syring are bots, right?
[23:13] <Trollmastah> Your management of siggy was great.
[23:13] <ater> basically
[23:13] <CmdrTaco> several of those were bots.
[23:13] <AOC> and your management of vlad was great
[23:13] <CmdrTaco> I don't even remember these guys.
[23:13] <em> except for when you had to take back the "no
code for one person" bit...
[23:13] <Trollmastah> me
[23:13] <ater> well aside from oog
[23:13] <CmdrTaco> thats the thing, I don't keep track.
Usually I don't even read names.
[23:13] <ater> if i did most of my posts as normally how i
felt
[23:13] <osm> signal 11... god, i wish i'd flamed him more.
[23:13] <CmdrTaco> I just read the comments from a single
person.
[23:13] <ater> id still be branded a troll
[23:14] <ater> and im sure the same goes for the rest of us
here
[23:14] <timothy> signal11 did send in some good posts
sometimes. But he also acted rudely, far more often.
[23:14] <Trollmastah> He shot me a \note, you got to him
pretty good.
[23:14] <CmdrTaco> go after him on k5.
[23:14] <CmdrTaco>
[23:14] <TheReverand> same here
[23:14] <osm> i wish i could
[23:14] <CmdrTaco> He's a self righteous twit.
[23:14] <CmdrTaco> He thinks he's *so* important.
[23:14] <Trollmastah> You have a mean streak
[23:14] <em> the problem with siggy is he had so much karma
he could just do mental diarrhea...
[23:14] <CmdrTaco> It only rears its head once in a great
while.
[23:14] <CmdrTaco>
[23:14] <ater> heh
[23:14] <CmdrTaco> I'm very huggable
[23:14] <osm> i didn't realize how much so til i read his
little farewell speech... what an ass.
[23:14] <CmdrTaco> but sig11 pushed me to far.
[23:14] <Trollmastah> What happened to the fastdoc account?
[23:14] <timothy> why does that phrase keep coming up?!
[23:14] <CmdrTaco> he wrote me email like that all the time.
[23:15] <CmdrTaco> he was a pest.
[23:15] <CmdrTaco> he bitched about me every chance he got.
he thought he was so important to me.
[23:15] <timothy> ("I'm very huggable"?)
[23:15] <CmdrTaco> so I told him off.
[23:15] <AOC> fascdotkilledmypr started back around the same
time as MEEPT
[23:15] <ater> yeah i heard some fascdot references on
#forum but didnt see them
[23:15] <Trollmastah> Tim, not here dude.
[23:15] <ater> was fascdot a joke account too
[23:15] <AOC> no
[23:16] <Trollmastah> Sure it was
[23:16] <ater> so that guy really was a prick
[23:16] <TheReverand> Who's Joke was it?
[23:16] <TheReverand> That's the Question
[23:16] <AOC> if I recall correctly, he had a bunch of
"SlashdotSucksMyNuts" accounts and spammed all over the
place with them
[23:16] <Trollmastah> Rob, Did you really think the
Trollmastah account was a bot? That's flattering in sick
sort of way.
[23:16] <ater> ahh back before my times
[23:16] <ater> im a friggin youngin
[23:17] <CmdrTaco> I don't usually attach nicknames to
posters.
[23:17] <TheReverand> AOC that was me as "fascdot licks mah
ba" and IO only folwed him around
[23:17] <ater> lol i remember that
[23:17] <CmdrTaco> I don't think "I think user Bob is a
Troll"
[23:17] <AOC> no, this was before he showed up as fascdot
[23:17] <CmdrTaco> I find a user who is a bot.
[23:17] <TheReverand> aah
[23:17] <CmdrTaco> then I look.
[23:17] <CmdrTaco> I usually don't even check who it is.
[23:17] <CmdrTaco> thats the thing.
[23:17] <ater> aside from the spammers i dont see how trolls
could be a problem here
[23:18] <timothy> there's no policy against multi accounts,
right?
[23:18] <Trollmastah> Cool. I saw that on your K5 thread
with Siggy and got a kick out of it/
[23:18] <CmdrTaco> Folks think that I had "User Y" and user
Y gets a stick up his ass. Then he bitches. But I've never
*heard* of user Y.
[23:18] <ater> oh
[23:18] <CmdrTaco> Multi-accounts are fine as long as they
aren't abused.
[23:18] -Global(services@services.slashnet.org)- A log of
the Slashdot forum can be obtained from
http://www.slashnet.org/forums/Slashdot-05Oct00
[23:18] <Trollmastah> Did you post that troll on the 10
grams sid?
[23:18] <CmdrTaco> if I see script behavior, they get
banned.
[23:18] <CmdrTaco> yeah.
[23:18] <CmdrTaco> I did
[23:18] <TheReverand> HA
[23:18] <CmdrTaco> suckers
[23:18] <ater> cool
[23:18] <TheReverand> THat RULED
[23:18] <TheReverand> It was all over the mailing list
[23:18] <AOC> that was excellent indeed
[23:19] <TheReverand> for about a week
[23:19] <Trollmastah> Thought so. Very funny, you had us
goin' for a while.
[23:19] <CmdrTaco> I got tons of mail from people who
thought it was real.
[23:19] <ater> i cant believe people fell for it
[23:19] <CmdrTaco> "You should know that someone haxx0red
you"
[23:19] <Trollmastah> I did
[23:19] <CmdrTaco> it was great.
[23:19] ð CmdrTaco/#trolls is the king of trolls.
[23:19] <ater> heh
[23:19] <Trollmastah> LMAO! Yup
[23:19] <ater> he's one of us
[23:19] <CmdrTaco> the difference is I doing once every
couple months instead of 100 comments per day.
[23:19] <timothy> I have a separate account because
sometimes I want to say something that is eitherless
diplomatic
associated only witth previous posts made by a particular
account.
[23:19] <AOC> we have more free time
[23:20] <ater> oh yes
[23:20] <Trollmastah> WaNNA BE ADDED TO THE MAILING LIST?
.. uMM eRRN nEVERMIND
[23:20] <CmdrTaco> I'd have more if you shut up a little.
[23:20] <Trollmastah> Understood
[23:20] <CmdrTaco> 25 people suck hundreds of hours of my
life.
[23:20] <ater> what exactly do you mean though... like spam,
offtopic shit, or Jon Erikson type trolls
[23:20] <timothy> I wonder if there are full-time trolls for
things like forums on the MS site, etc
[23:21] <TheReverand> I don't know I don't think that's
really fair, If people didn't know we were trolling they
wouldn't complain
[23:21] <osm> that's an idea, timothy!
[23:21] <timothy> ZDNet?
[23:21] <CmdrTaco> I WANT TO PRACTICE MY POWER CHORDS!
[23:21] <Trollmastah> What about the legal meta troll? Did
we have you going or just enable spam?
[23:21] <ater> the first 2 are things i try to limit from
time to time (except for OOG shit)
[23:21] <timothy> play Sweet Jane
[23:21] <TheReverand> I don't have time for this idiots"
[23:21] <ater> but if you mean like RWM trolls and stuff
like that i think its more an issue with the users
[23:21] <CmdrTaco> I don't typically fall for trolls.
[23:21] <timothy> I want to spend my free time with the
beautiful girls at the library who I can't even talk to
[23:21] <AOC> If people aren't complaining about trolls,
they'd be complaining about something else
[23:21] <CmdrTaco> but other people do, and they email me
and bitch.
[23:22] <CmdrTaco> like the troll that was 'Slashdot banned
me'
[23:22] <TheReverand> CmdrTaco YOu want some guitar lessons?
Nex Time I'm in Grand Rapids
[23:22] <Trollmastah> Not the effect we were looking for.
[23:22] <CmdrTaco> the cease and desist one.
[23:22] ð CmdrTaco/#trolls loves lessons.
[23:22] <ater> you mean the osm thing, heh
[23:22] <ater> ?
[23:22] <TheReverand> Give me some karma
[23:22] <osm> teehee
[23:22] <TheReverand> heh
[23:22] <CmdrTaco> I got hundreds of emails from angry
people.
[23:22] <AOC> you need an automated responder, rob: "YHBT
YHL HAND"
[23:22] <Trollmastah> Would you be interested in seeing the
troll demographics? We have 'em arround here somewhaere
[23:22] <CmdrTaco> "YOU FUCKING SUCK! HOW DARE YOU! YOU
HYPOCRIT!"
[23:22] <em> http://www.io.com/~zikzak/troll_thesis.html
[23:22] <osm> sorry about that man... i really didn't expect
it would get that much of a response.
[23:22] <TheReverand> ttm which demo's you talking about?
[23:23] <CmdrTaco> you have any idea how much shit that put
me through?
[23:23] <TheReverand> heh
[23:23] <CmdrTaco> I'm just a guy here, nobody deserves
that.
[23:23] <timothy> em - you in Austin?
[23:23] <ater> CmdrTaco: how bout the more usual stuff, like
Jon Erikson, Estanislao Martinez, Emerson Wilowick, etc?
[23:23] <em> no
[23:23] <em> timothy: no
[23:23] <CmdrTaco> I don't know nicks.
[23:23] <CmdrTaco> unless they look like bots, I don't care.
[23:23] <em> timothy: that was ZikZak
[23:23] <ater> CmdrTaco: ok, well im referring to the
"extremist" type trolls
[23:23] <timothy> em - ok, I just see the io link, and
they're in Tx, right.
[23:23] <CmdrTaco> I don't know them by name.
[23:23] <Trollmastah> The generic ones with
age/location/married etc. the list we started when we
started the mail list
[23:23] <em> yep
[23:23] <timothy> I was timothy@io.com for a bit
[23:24] <TheReverand> troll aha
[23:24] <TheReverand> I have that list
[23:24] <ater> the classic definition of troll if you will,
like posting flamebait
[23:24] <CmdrTaco> I don't care about the flamebait so much.
[23:24] <Trollmastah> It'd even tha playing field a little.
[23:24] <CmdrTaco> I care about intentionally lying to cause
someone else shit.
[23:24] <CmdrTaco> "Slashdot Did Lie X"
[23:24] <ater> ahh
[23:24] <CmdrTaco> thats the worst.
[23:24] <ater> i can understand that, i just avoid that shit
[23:24] <CmdrTaco> Or liable/slander stuffs.
[23:25] <CmdrTaco> like the bot posting Kathleen's home
phone number.
[23:25] <Trollmastah> It was all in fun, just got a little
out of hand
[23:25] <CmdrTaco> You know you can go to
I wasn't a good person.
[23:25] <CmdrTaco> not a joke.
[23:25] <osm> i don't think anyone here would do that
[23:25] <TheReverand> To be fair though, we only planned
that lawsuiot thing once, and we never actually named names
[23:25] ð timothy/#trolls is going to watch some TV now and
post from the couch.
[23:25] <ater> i was thinking of doing an "OOG_THE_CAVEMAN
gets sued my the producers of the Super Mario Brothers
cartoon" thing
[23:25] <CmdrTaco> you cna have the fucking FBI in your
house.
[23:25] <Trollmastah> The legal got out of hand, the phone
number was not us. We dont play like that
[23:25] <CmdrTaco> its *scary*
[23:25] <osm> i was getting death threats myself for a while
[23:25] <TheReverand> none of us would post personal info
that's just wrong
[23:25] <CmdrTaco> the phone number was syringe.
[23:25] <ater> yeah were good little trolls
[23:26] <AOC> goddam syringe
[23:26] <ater> ugh
[23:26] <timothy> someone post *my* girlfriend's number,
that's OK.
[23:26] <Trollmastah> Honestly, this is fun for us, we would
never intentionally screw with someone like that.
[23:26] <TheReverand> ha
[23:26] <osm> WE get screwed with like that.
[23:26] <CmdrTaco> I just wish you'd do it... less
[23:26] <TheReverand> Well we also wish you would have
posted Natalies Birthday!
[23:26] <CmdrTaco> the thing is that the slashdot moderation
system works really well.
[23:26] <Trollmastah> My wife posted my grlfriends number.
That sucked.
[23:27] <CmdrTaco> fuck natalies birthday.
[23:27] <CmdrTaco> that was retarted.
[23:27] <ater> damn
[23:27] <AOC> son of a bitch!
[23:27] <ater> we have married trolls?
[23:27] <osm> retarted?
[23:27] <osm> what does that mean?
[23:27] <ater> heh
[23:27] ð em/#trolls ducks
[23:27] <TheReverand> lol
[23:27] ð timothy/#trolls says goodnight to you all
[23:27] <ater> cya timothy
[23:27] ùíù timothy [~timothy@cloaked.dialup.mindspring.com]
has left #trolls []
[23:27] <em> night
[23:27] <CmdrTaco> but 25 or so users represent 75% of the
"Brokenness" in it.
[23:27] <osm> later, timothy
[23:27] <AOC> TIMMMMAH!
[23:27] <ater> hm
[23:27] <Trollmastah> Don't fuck with moderation, it does
work well. I say remove the cap. Part of the draw is the
gamesmanship.
[23:27] <em> nah, leave the cap op
[23:27] <em> nah, leave the cap on
[23:28] <TheReverand> Well have you seen the Fantasy Karma
Whore Game?
[23:28] <ater> in fairness id say that the trolls get lumped
with the troublemakers
[23:28] <Trollmastah> Ater, Dude, I'm 41, 4 kids adn a dog.
My life is over.
[23:28] <CmdrTaco> the cap works.
[23:28] <em> rev, you're just self-promoting right? you're
winning it
[23:28] <em>
[23:28] <CmdrTaco> wait till you see the next generation of
anti whoring code
[23:28] <TheReverand> em exactly
[23:28] <ater> i dont think ive seen rev, spiralx, and em do
something wrong
[23:28] <osm> lol, ttm
[23:28] <ater> Trollmastah: holy shit
[23:28] <ater> im just a 17 year old with no life
[23:28] <TheReverand> I find it hard to believe thast
everything PB says is so damned insightful
[23:29] <Trollmastah> PB LOL
[23:29] <em> he's user #1020, he's got 4-digit insights
[23:29] <TheReverand> or carnage4life
[23:29] <TheReverand> exactly
[23:29] <ater> heh
[23:29] <TheReverand> it's a game
[23:29] <TheReverand> Hell my astroturfin ass can stay at +2
all the damn time
[23:30] <ater> i found the best way to troll slashdot is to
post anything conservative
[23:30] <Trollmastah> It is a game. And trolling is just a
twist. Even the bitchslap was just another volly. Ag good
one too I might add. But it keeps us coming back.
[23:30] <AOC> taco voting for gore should provide some good
material
[23:30] <ater> dont vote gore, vote OOG!
[23:30] <Trollmastah> Go OOG go
[23:30] <ater> hellz yeah
[23:31] <ater> OOGs accepting the nomination tomorrow
[23:31] <TheReverand> I hope we don't all wake up
bitchslapped tomorrow morning
[23:31] <Trollmastah> Seriously Rob, Thanks for being so
sporting. We know you get spammed with crap, and we
understand. You've got a cool thing going here.
[23:31] <ater> true
[23:32] <TheReverand> Yeah and feel free to send all flames
you get about us to me
[23:32] <Trollmastah> Where's james Tonight? Changing Jobs
again?
[23:32] <ater> glad youre being a good guy about it
[23:32] <CmdrTaco> I just want you guys to understand
something.
[23:32] <Trollmastah> What?
[23:32] <CmdrTaco> You guys have caused me more shit then
any other thousand slashdot readers.
[23:32] <em> actually, send them to
k22320inchfan@methlab.nothing.org
[23:32] <TheReverand> there you go
[23:32] <CmdrTaco> I'm a human being and you're making my
life shittier.
[23:33] <AOC> there's a thousand trolls?
[23:33] <CmdrTaco> So at least be clever.
[23:33] <TheReverand> no AOC you idiot
[23:33] <CmdrTaco> Don't post fucking lame crap.
[23:33] <ater> if ive caused anything, then my aplogies
[23:33] <CmdrTaco> Don't post so often.
[23:33] <CmdrTaco> 1/2 the trolling, twice the brains.
[23:33] <Trollmastah> Not intended, we don't want to fsck up
you life, again it's just in fun. We'll try to be more
suble.
[23:33] <CmdrTaco> You'd make my life a helluva lot easier.
[23:33] <TheReverand> Hey I never even get up to 50 posts in
my history
[23:33] <ater> all right, but I am going through with oog
for president before i retire him
[23:34] <em> I'm in retirement myself...
[23:34] <ater> yeah im too lazy to get 50 posts
[23:34] <TheReverand> same here
[23:34] <CmdrTaco> oog is so lame.
[23:34] <TheReverand> It's more of just a reading kind of
thing now
[23:34] <TheReverand> NOOOOOOO
[23:34] <CmdrTaco> thats the worst of them.
[23:34] <Trollmastah> I only post about twice a week.
Although I used to post a little bit more
[23:34] <CmdrTaco> creativeity of a chimp.
[23:34] <osm> i have a job in the mortgage business, i can't
post as much
[23:34] <ater> heh i agree
[23:34] <CmdrTaco> used to post fucking way to much.
[23:34] <ater> im wondering how the fuck people liked it
[23:34] <CmdrTaco> oog is like a poop joke.
[23:34] <CmdrTaco> 3rd graders could do it.
[23:34] <ater> yes
[23:34] <CmdrTaco> thats the lamest kind of troll.
[23:34] <CmdrTaco> its not a troll, its spam.
[23:35] <CmdrTaco> its being a pest just to be a pest.
[23:35] <AOC> but "BREAK HEAD WITH OPENSOURCE CD" is just...
classy
[23:35] <CmdrTaco> *so* lame.
[23:35] <Trollmastah> Just for reference are you interested
in what we actually do for a living?
[23:35] <CmdrTaco> understand that I get email once a week
that says
[23:35] <CmdrTaco> "Accounts like Ooog are proof that
Slashdot doesn't work"
[23:35] <CmdrTaco> think about that when you do lame trolls.
[23:35] <ater> the funny thing is oog got whored up to 70
karma
[23:35] <AOC> andover needs to hire you an email secretary
[23:35] <ater> k
[23:35] <CmdrTaco> "You should ban oogs IP"
[23:36] <Trollmastah> We know the differene between spam and
trolling.
[23:36] <ater> ok fair enough
[23:36] <CmdrTaco> I have a guy who may become my email
secretary.
[23:36] <CmdrTaco> he's gonna be tech support.
[23:36] <CmdrTaco> but he may start reading
malda@slashdot.org
[23:36] <CmdrTaco> that makes me cry.
[23:36] <ater> i wanna do one last thing and then oog's
retiring
[23:36] <Trollmastah> Vote OOG!!
[23:36] <ater> i havent used him in months anyway
[23:36] <CmdrTaco> You fuckers stole my email address.
[23:36] <CmdrTaco> bitches!
[23:36] ð CmdrTaco/#trolls grins.
[23:36] <Trollmastah> Huh?
[23:37] <CmdrTaco> because of crap like you, I can't even
read my own email without help!
[23:37] <TheReverand> heh
[23:37] ð CmdrTaco/#trolls sighs.
[23:37] <AOC> "Trolling makes baby Jesus^H^H^H^H^HRob cry"
[23:37] <CmdrTaco> Jesus does NOT have wheels ralph.
[23:37] <TheReverand> I want Cmdr on the mailing list
[23:37] <osm> yes
[23:37] <osm> join our mailing list, rob
[23:37] <CmdrTaco> enough for tonight.
[23:37] <CmdrTaco> tired.
[23:37] <Trollmastah> Would you participate?
[23:37] <CmdrTaco> 16 hours without a break.
[23:37] <ater> all right, perhaps we could continue this
some other time
[23:38] <CmdrTaco> I don't want to be on another list.
[23:38] <CmdrTaco> to much email already.
[23:38] <osm> we don't want you on it anyway
[23:38] <CmdrTaco> I already have a hundred lines of
filters.
[23:38] <Trollmastah> Agreed. Thanks Rob. And We heard what
you said.
[23:38] <ater> thanks for your time, ill take your advice
into consideration
[23:38] <CmdrTaco> right
[23:38] <CmdrTaco> sure ya will
[23:38] ùíù CmdrTaco [~malda@0.0.0.0] has left #trolls []
You all keep posting your derisive comments about Red Hat's latest release, 7.0. Our Friend, Bero. Let me tell you a little story about this "Bleeding Edge, Broken Release," as you like to call it...
Bero was walking down the street in some hick town in Oklahoma. It was a brisk Autumn day and Bero was shivering in his jean jacket as he contemplated his lot.
"Why don't people like me? Why am I so unpopular with those cool guys on Slashdot?"
As Bero walked, lost in his thoughts, a tall, thin man approached. The man had a face that was badly scarred by acne and a long, black moustache that glistened with natural oils. The man stumbled into Bero.
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," the man said as he lifted Bero from the sidewalk, "I didn't see you coming!"
"It's ok," Bero said, on the verge of tears, "I didn't see you coming either."
The man brushed the dust and horse manure off of Bero and looked at his sullen face, "my god! You, sir, are a star waiting to be born! You must come with me to Hollywood, where I will launch you on a stellar acting career and land you guest appearances on Oprah!"
Bero was shocked, "yes."
Bero went to Hollywood with Mr. Garcia, who had just quit the used car business to become a big-city talent scout. Using elicit substances, he landed Bero a roll in the Upcoming "Star Wars: Episode II" movie.
Bero auditioned many times before landing the role, pulling up his deepest feelings of rejection, which had been heaped upon him on Slashdot. Finally, Bero's life was about to change.
Bero sat in his chair, which displayed his name with a single star above it. He watched the crew prepare for the next shot, in which Bero was to portray a Mexican fetal sloth. He noticed a nubile figure approaching from the fake mist...
Bero did not recognize the pouting teen breasts and firm teen buttocks that bounced his way. The long, flowing, silken hair stirred no hormonal reaction. Natalie approached Bero, smiling coyly.
"Hello, Bero. My name is Natalie. I am hot and young and an actress!"
"Hello, Natalie. I am Bero. I am a lowly point-oh release. I will be replaced with superior products. I am broken and unstable."
Natalie put her tender hand tenderly on Bero's tender chest, "You are like a cottonwood seed, caught by the March winds and blown into my back yard, where you land on my face and tickle my cute teen nose!"
Bero's heart melted. He, at last, knew bliss!
"Let us run away together, Bero! Let us forget the bright lights and plastic faces of Hollywood! Let us forget the wandering sheep of Slashdot! Let us merge together and make our own point release!"
Bero leapt from his chair and clung to Natalie's neck. They laughed heartily as the walked off the set.
Bero and Natalie sat on the beach of Cancoon, absorbing the life-giving rays of sunshine. Natalie caressed Bero's shock of hair, "I have a 4 gigabyte SCSI (pronounced 'sexy') drive I'd like to install YOU on!"
Leave Timothy alone. At least he doesn't stand around street corners, wearing green tights, green elfen shoes, a Santa Clause belt, a green robin hood hat and a live rat as a nose piercing. Furthermore, he doesn't eat oatmeal and raisin cookies from a ceramic cookie jar while dressed in such attire.
Do Germans? Probably. I think that is their biggest problem there. But, what else is one to do in a rat-infested population with a booming cookie industry. It's not like it can be helped.
DAMN THE WALL!
the slashdot bunch
cute-teen-natalie is walking through the yard, carrying her school-books. teen-osm and six-year-old-osm are playing catch with a football. 6-year-old-osm misses the ball and it heads for cute-teen-natalie.
teen-osm: cute-teen-natalie, look out!
it is too late, the ball hits cute-teen-natalie in the head, knocking her hair loose, such that it flows elegantly down her back. she begins to weep and runs inside, the boys follow.
cute-teen-natalie: mom! mom! oh, this is awful!
hemos: what is it dear?
cute-teen-natalie: the football hit me on the side of the head. it knocked my hair loose so that it flows elegantly down my back! i am now even more beautiful! this is awful!
female-signal 11 and male-signal 11 enter the kitchen.
female-signal 11: mom!
hemos: what is it, signal 11?
male-signal 11: we are tired of being the middle child! we are tired of having to play with ourself in the basement!
hemos: signal 11, i told you not to play with yourself! that is why you are in the basement in the first place! six-year-old-natalie, come in here!
six-year-old-natalie joins the others in the kitchen.
six-year-old-natalie: yes, mother?
hemos: now, you, six-year-old-osm, cute-teen-natalie and teen-osm have been very mean to signal 11. i want you and six-year-old-osm to go to your room until supper. the same goes for cute-teen-natalie and teen-osm.
six-year-old-natalie: oh, six-year-old-osm, finally we may explore each other in our childlike innocence! how my undeveloped breasts and unfattened buttocks have yearned for your boyish hand!
six-year-old-osm: hooray!
the six-year-olds hold hands as they skip off to their room.
cute-teen-natalie: teen-osm! we may finally consumate our teen curiosities! how my pouting teen breasts tingle under my bodice! how my rump quivers in anticipation!
teen-osm: by my open-source hand shall you take the next step to womanhood!
cute-teen-natalie & teen-osm: hooray!
teen-osm throws cute-teen-natalie over his shoulder and carries her to their room.
male & female signal 11 turn to leave through the patio door.
hemos: where are you going signal 11?
male-signal 11: nobody appreciates us here. we are going to run away and gain feelings of acceptance by bribing slashdot moderators with cheap crack to give us karma.
hemos: hooray!
cmdrtaco enters the front door, carrying a brief-case.
cmdrtaco: hi, honey! i'm home!
hemos: oh, cmdrtaco! let us retire to the bedroom and frolick like the playful imps we are! all day, i have been dreaming of commanding your taco into my throbbing rectum.
as hemos and cmdrtaco walk to the bedroom holding hands, rms enters the kitchen. he removes several pans filled with meat from the oven.
rms: hey! doesn't anyone want a piece of this gnu?! well, i guess i'll have to eat it myself. shoot, just when i was trying to lose some weight.
laugh track, applause.
watch one that doesn't suck. i promise, this movie will change your life.
malda, you're such a dipshit.
"mickey and mallory know the difference between right and wrong. they just don't give a damn." - steven wright, natural born killers.
jon katz. champion of the outcast teen. what has made him so sympathetic to the cause of the columbine killers? why has this event seemingly resonated so deeply within him? is jon just sympathetic to the life of the modern teen? or is there something more? something insidious?
these are the questions i've been asking myself as i've read katz's obsessive columbine writings. these were the questions i was asking myself as i sat mesmerized by my natalie portman poster. like a torrent of sudden rain, my spirit guides bombarded me with the heinous images of jon's life. i was so disturbed i could barely bring myself to write this.
jon was born and raised in a small, southwestern town. his father, carlito, was a mexican immigrant who worked for the department of transportation, building highways. his mother, juno, was a gypsy who earned money by performing card readings. the family made a comfortable living and jon was a happy, outgoing child, who even contributed to the family income by cleaning dog excrement from the neighborhood sidewalks.
carlito was a hard-worker. in fact, he worked too hard. one particularly hot, sunny day, he was overcome with heat exhaustion. the incident had changed carlito forever. the charming, jovial, caring carlito became a vile, egomaniacal, misogynist. carlito soon lost his job and spent the rest of his days lounging around the house.
the first incident of abuse happened when jon was but 6 years old. juno had lured a siamese cat into the house. she let the cat roam around until it was time for her to prepare it for the family's dinner. jon had just come home from a long day of sidewalk cleaning. carlito was laying on the couch with a 40 ounce schlitz. the putrid stench of dog manure flooded the house as jon closed the door. carlito was roused from his wrestling match. infuriated, he jumped off the couch, grabbing juno's cat by the tail. carlito stormed over to jon, who had backed himself into a corner. jon could do nothing but cry as carlito severely beat him with the screeching cat.
the more jon cried, the more carlito beat him. after fifteen minutes of abuse, carlito plunged his hand into the stomach of the dead animal and gutted it right there in front of jon. he ate the entrails and forced his stunned son to wear the pelt as a hat for the rest of the week.
the beatings continued for a few more years, at a lesser severity. until just after jon's 10th birthday. jon invited his friend ron over to spend the night. carlito would usually hide in the bedroom whenever anyone visited, so it was always a good way for jon to escape the beatings. the boys had had fun roaming the neighborhood that evening, making castles with the dog excrement they found and then pretending to be giant monsters, from a japanese science fiction movie, going on a rampage and smashing the castles. the boys played hard that night and went to bed early.
but the boys could not sleep. instead, they decided to play doctor and various other games. the laughter awakened carlito. he stormed into the bedroom and flipped on the light. there, he beheld his son on all fours with his little friend mounting him from behind. the boys were playing "dog." carlito lost control. he threw ron out of the house, sending him walking home and picked jon up by the feet.
carlito stormed outside, carrying his naked son by the feet. he rampaged throughout the neighborhood stopping any time he ran across a dog. carlito would beat hapless animal to death, using his son as a club. once again, he would plunge his hand into the dead animal, remove its organs and devour them. he then collected the pelt.
after carlito had slaughtered twenty dogs, he tied together all of the pelts into a make-shift body-suit for jon. exhausted, and with jon bruised, bloodied and crying, carlito stumbled home. carlito wrapped jon in the gruesome clothing he had made and threw him into bed. he left the room momentarily, only to return with an empty 40-ounce. he stuck the open end into jon's rectum. jon cried himself to sleep.
jon grew sullen and withdrew from his classmates. his grades slipped into oblivion. the teachers knew what the problem was, but dared not speak up. jon would sit in class, staring blankly out the window. nothing seemed to interest him. he never did his assignments. he began to arrive at school wearing ozzy osbourne and motley crue t-shirts. the faculty continued to ignore him. jon had become lost in a nether-world and none could pull him out.
none but timmy. timmy's family had recently moved into town from california. jon felt him come in the room and turned from the window to behold his first real crush. timmy was tall, muscular, tanned and blonde. it was instant love for jon. but he dared not express his true feelings. he became best friends with timmy. they did everything together. jon's emotions were tearing him apart.
jon couldn't stand it and his father had taught him well. jon invited timmy to go searching for peyote. the two wandered deep into the desert, the hot sun beating down on them. the intense heat slowly began to affect jon. he turned pale. he began to shake uncontrollably. then timmy made a fatal mistake.
timmy put his hand on jon's shoulder and asked him if he was ok. jon became enraged. he picked up a rock and hit timmy in the head with it, knocking him unconscious. jon plunged his shaking fist into timmy's stomach and removed his organs, eating them on the spot. jon then removed the skin from the withered corpse and carried back to his car.
jon kept the skin in his room, making passionate love with it at night. snuggling with it in the morning. he would whisper sweet nothings into its ear and run his fingers through its golden head of hair. jon was in a state of bliss. until carlito detected the scent of rotting flesh. jon was given another gruesome beating.
jon fell in and out of love several times throughout highschool. each of the unfortunate objects of his affections would suffer the same fate and, once they mysteriously vanished from school, jon would return to his withdrawn state. only one teacher had the courage to try to help jon his senior year of highschool.
jon had signed up for a computer class that year. his computer teacher recognized jon was troubled and took special care with him. jon soon developed a deep love for his teacher. but jon was ashamed. he couldn't quite grasp the complicated concepts that were part of the course: basic wordstar usage, lotus 123 and flipping the power switch. jon felt like a fool in front of his new love. he could not deal with his feelings.
jon began to amass a deadly arsenal in his bedroom. he collected all manner of guns, rifles and bombs. he drew a detailed map of the school and devised a plan for decimating the entire building and everyone in it. jon dreamt of becoming a notorious mass-murderer, no longer ignored. no longer a powerless worm in the eyes of his beloved mr. donacelli.
the night before "senior day." jon decided to celebrate by getting drunk. tomorrow his glorious plan would come to fruition. jon got drunk off of a gallon of cheap vodka. utterly incoherent, he climbed onto the roof of his house with the remains of his bottle and a fat cigar. he danced, naked, on the rooftop and yelled at the top of his lungs, "i'm gay, touch my balls!"
jon's father woke from his alcoholic coma, not knowing that the neighbors had called the police. he ran outside and found jon on the roof. carlito climbed the side of the house and grabbed his son by the hair, throwing him onto the ground below. carlito spotted a lizard in the grass near jon. he jumped down, caught the lizard and began to severely beat jon. the police arrived within minutes.
the police immediately took carlito into custody. they searched the house and found jon's arsenal, which they confiscated, thinking it belonged to carlito. carlito was subsequently convicted of assault and conspiracy. jon would never be beaten again.
april 20, 1999. jon sat in front of his television watching with fascination as the columbine tragedy unfolded before his eyes. wistfully, jon thought back to his days in highschool. he knew these two young men were heros. they pulled it off. an accomplishment he had only dreamt of. jon took out his pen and paper and began work on his next slashdot article.
thank you.
i read an interesting article in scientific american once. it mentioned how these neural net circuits would suddenly "remember" things as they were shut off. they talked about how it was like someone "seeing their life pass before their eyes" when they were dying. i wish i could remember the exact reference, it was very interesting. anyone else remember it?
we, of the linux community, can no longer tolerate the scourge that is eric s. raymond. in the text that follows, i shall show that esr is NOT the innocent open source advocate everyone believes him to be. he is, in fact, a german conspirator in the petroleum industry.
mr. raymond is a complex personality, as are many of today's wealthy open-source advocates. most people are not willing to look beyond his open-source writings and dig deeper to find the truth. i WAS willing.
mr. raymond's firearms advocacy is well-known. what is NOT well-known is where this intense love of firearms originated. after scouring several records in libraries all over the nation, i tracked down mr. raymond's father... josef raymond.
josef schlecter was an anti-nazi activist in world war ii germany. fearful of nazi persecution, mr. schlecter had no choice but to design extremely sophisticated weaponry for the german army. he and his business partner, dieter van woehausen made a very comfortable living with their arms factory.
everything went smoothly for several years, until mr. van woehausen was discovered in a compromising position with a young hitler-youth, who shall remain nameless due to his being a minor at the time. young mr. schlecter watched in horror as the brown shirts cut his friend and business partner to pieces with machetes. to add insult to injury, mr. van woehausen's heart, having been left exposed by the mutilation, was abducted by a starving dog.
severely traumatized, and fearful for his family's safety, mr. schlecter gathered his wife eva, his young son erik and daughter heidi and left for america. to avoid persecution by suspicious fbi agents, mr. schlecter adopted the americanized version of his name: raymond. he also changed the names of his children to eric and janet.
mr. raymond made a good life for himself and his family in his new homeland. he built a formidable empire out of his full-service gas station chain... an industry increasingly under the control of german imigrants. young eric, however, was embittered and longing for his homeland.
several years later, mr. raymond passed away from consumption. while sorting through his deceased father's belongings, young eric came across several firearms manufactured in his father's old factory. eric packed his father's weapons in a duffel bag and left for germany to study the ways of the great german military leaders.
after months of intensive combat training and years of meditation in the mountains of germany, eric raymond returned to america to reclaim his father's vast petroleum empire. his strong-arm tactics and cunning ruthlesness were the envy of even the most powerful mob-bosses.
a few years ago, mr. raymond received word that he was about to be investigated by the fbi. where did he get this inside information? from his sister, janet... janet reno. mr. raymond turned control of the petroleum empire over to his eldest son, fredo, and disappeared for several months.
the next we heard of mr. raymond was his infamous, "the cathedral and the bazaar." mr. raymond had not forseen a small problem, however. the fbi did, in fact, continue its investigation of mr. raymond. but not mr. eric raymond.... mr. fredo raymond. mr. fredo raymond was imprisoned for conspiring to abduct and sexually assault a hot young actress... natalie portman. eric raymond regained control of his petroleum empire.
a sordid tale, i know. but think... stocks of linux-related companies have been plummeting... gas prices are increasing... coincidence? i think not.
no doubt is going to be playing here! i MUST meet gwen stefani! i'm going to replace all occurrences of "natalie portman" in all of my stories with "gwen stefani" and show them to her! then i'm going to say, "hey baby, there's a buffalo refuge 20 minutes from here!" Gwen will reply, "oh, open-source man! i have seen the inspiration and love behind your open-source writings! i will go see the buffalo with you and then walk in your spiderwebs! i must call my good friend, natalie portman and have her join us!"
"HOORAY!"
psp is a wet dream for graphics work. the gimp is just to awkward for me. i can't seem to pick it up. psp has a really nice interface and some really powerful layer tools. the gimp needs these two things desperately.
the problem with the digital revolution is that it doesn't produce much that is "real." i mean, think about how much better online shopping would be if the items you ordered appeared instantly. that's what the digital age is about isn't? isn't that what people want... instant gratification? all you really need to make anything is a bunch of hydrogen, right?
just imagine it... you're surfing the net. you come across an interesting link. "mhmhmhmhmhmh... i sure would LOVE to have one of THOSE!"
you enter your credit card number, click a button and in a few minutes, you are in the throes of ecstasy!
i wish i was a girl, so i could have a lesbian relationship with natalie portman.
yesterday was natalie portman's birthday.