What's spooky is how eerily accurate this is. Although you were modded down as a troll, this is just the Imperialist hate monger trying to suppress the People!! YOUR MESSAGE IS GETTING OUT!
Well at the Gay Gangbang, Taco usually takes the roll of a "server". He lays on his back, spreading open his cheeks to "serve" the other members of the Slashdot team. Additionally, michael also is a "server". However his job is to "serve" men with his pinky up their ass while he's fellating them. I hope this clears things up for you, ubertroll.
All I can say is: wow! When I first read this I was very dubious of you being able to provide credible evidence that Taco was such a cock to that woman when the site went down several weeks ago. I never knew what a hypocrite he was.
I will have to bookmark those links for future reference. That streaming video clip you have was pretty good, although in true Open Source fashion, an MPEG would've been more suitable than a Real Media file. But hey, anything to hear Taco pretty much confess what happened is worth it. Keep up the good work!
The other day I found an amusing and informative text file on
some BBS or other, explaining how to make a lifelike, artificial
vagina "out of common household products."
Hey, I thought, I've tried that. (Bet you have, too. Be honest.)
I was intrigued.
The guy who wrote it calls his device Porta-Pussy. It involves a
mailing tube, a string, and a balloon. Basically, you lower the
balloon into the tube, stretch the neck of the balloon to overlap
the outer edge of the tube, then use the string to stretch the
balloon down the length of the tube.
He suggests taping the tube to the edge of a table, kneeling down
and licking it for a while, then standing up and fucking it.
I just tried fucking it. It wasn't bad. I decided not to try the
advanced applications, though, which include sticking a dildo up
your ass and drinking the cum as it leaks out of the tube. Another
time, maybe.
But I did admire his imaginative design; simple to make, reasonable
facsimile, easy cleanup (throw away the balloon). His description
made fun reading, too; "How I Spell Relief." I encourage others to
download his file (called IWACK1.ZIP).
So, in a spirit of sharing, here's my technique. It doesn't look
as authentic as his, and it takes more preparation, but I think
it feels MUCH closer to the real thing. Close your eyes and the
PseudoCunt (this name just occurred to me; snappy, huh?) feels
just EXACTLY like a warm, wet, tight pussy.
You think I'm kidding, right? Nope. Read on, if you're so inclined.
CONTENTS:
1- Registration
2- Materials & Ingredients
3- Construction
4- How to Use
5- Hints & Techniques
6- Troubleshooting
7- Why I Created PseudoCunt
REGISTRATION:
Ha, ha. Get it? It's software. Real soft. If you figure
out who I am, send me some money. PseudoCunt is not
shareware, by the way. It's recommended for use alone.
MATERIALS & INGREDIENTS:
* Cylindrical container (see below)
* Large pot (3-4 quart capacity)
* Butter or margarine (2-3 tablespoons)
* Vegetable oil (just a drop or two)
* Saran Wrap or equivalent
* Spaghetti or fettucini (lots; two boxes)
* Sturdy rubber band
* Several big, firm sofa cushions (optional)
* Your favorite masturbation fantasies in magazine, video,
gif, or virtual form
CONSTRUCTION:
1- Find a suitable container. This is the tough part. The
best one I've found is an overlarge Mason-type jar (about
11" tall), though these are hard to find. Second choice
would be a length of PVC pipe sealed at one end, or a
mailing tube, but it should be at least five inches in
diameter. A half-gallon cardboard milk carton might work,
with clever modifications.
2- In a large pot, bring two or three quarts of water to
full boil. Add a tablespoon of vegetable oil and a pinch of
salt. Boil spaghetti to aldente texture (about 8 minutes).
Any pasta will do, but I find spaghetti and fettucini most
satisfactory.
3- Drain spaghetti, but do not rinse. Mix in A FEW DROPS of
vegetable oil (be CAREFUL not to use too much; use just
enough to keep the spaghetti from sticking together) and
stir well. Set aside in colander until cool enough to handle.
4- While spaghetti is cooling, melt some butter (not much; about
1/3 of one of those little butter pats you get with toast in
a diner is enough). Don't let it boil; 15-30 seconds in the
microwave should do it.
5- Stuff spaghetti into the container described in Step 1.
Really pack it in tightly; as tight as you can cram it in.
This is crucial to success. I use wooden cooking implements
to tamp it down. When the jar is about 3/4 full, bore a hole
down the center with something long and moderately thin (I
use the long handle of a wooden stirring spoon) and continue
packing spaghetti around it, up the brim. Remember to pack
tightly; spaghetti will compress a lot more than you'd think.
6- At this point, remove the rod or dowel or whatever, and
pour a SMALL amount of melted butter down into the little
hole to lubricate it. (By the way, I've found that butter or
margarine feels much more like the creamy inside of an
aroused cunt than any kind of oil; and I've tried quite a
few). Stick your finger in and work the lubrication down
into the little hole. Feels interesting, doesn't it? Close
your eyes and probe, slowly; does that feel just EXACTLY
like a wet pussy hole, or what?
7- Now, use something wider and slightly tapered to widen the
mouth of the surrogate vagina (I use the neck of a wine or
beer bottle). Do this gently, and don't widen it to your
full dick diameter; you want it to be nice and tight.
8- Cut a generous length of Saran Wrap and stretch it tightly
over the mouth of the jar. Fasten it tightly with the
rubber band. Now punch a hole in the Saran Wrap in the
obvious place. (Use a pencil, or a spoon handle, not a
knife; a sharp cut will make the Saran Wrap tear.)
HOW TO USE:
1- Pile two or more big, thick sofa cushions on top of each
other. Make an identical pile next to the first, leaving a
12-inch space between the two piles.
2- In the space between the cushions, spread a towel (or
newspaper) on the floor. If properly constructed, your
PseudoCunt should not make a mess unless you really get
carried away, but it's a good idea to protect against this
possibility.
3- Position the PseudoCunt jar on the floor between the two
cushion piles.
4- Lie across the cushion piles, chest on one, thighs on the
other, dick dangling in the space between. Now, gaze lovingly
at whatever fantasy object you prefer, tease the head of your
dick against the warm, slick mouth and begin fucking.
HINTS AND TECHNIQUES:
* Before you get started, check with your finger to make
sure your PseudoCunt has cooled to the proper temperature.
You don't want to burn yourself. Optimum temperature should
be obvious if you're a reasonably sexually active person.
Push your finger in as deeply as you can; the bottom of the
jar may be too hot even though the mouth is a nice, warm,
cuntlike temperature.
* The PseudoCunt is not recommended for quickies. Choose a
time when you're absolutely certain you'll be alone and
undisturbed. PseudoCunt takes some time to prepare, and a
fair amount of what's called in cinema and theater circles
'suspension of disbelief.' It can't be fully enjoyed if
you're worried about your wife or girlfriend walking in and
finding you fucking a jar of spaghetti.
* Size of the container is important. Make sure it is at
least two inches deeper than your dick is long, and wide
enough so that your dick is surrounded by a generous cushion
of pseudo cuntflesh. You don't want to bang up against the
hard sides or bottom of the thing at a crucial moment.
* Shape of the container is important, too. I like the jumbo
jar configuration because the "shoulders" of the jar where
the neck narrows help to keep the spaghetti in place when
you withdraw on the out-strokes.
* Don't use too much butter. A very small amount should suffice.
Remember that your own secretions will increase the lubricating
effect. It's not generally recognized that grease and oils
actually DE-sensitize erectile tissue. A thin coat of oil on
your dick is like wearing a condom. I find that the absolutely
perfect effect is achieved by adding just a *tiny* amount of
butter, then slathering saliva all over my dick just before
first penetration. The combination of butter, saliva and natural
lubrication that leaks from your dick feels closer to authentic
vagina arousal than any oil I've ever tried.
* Make adequate preparations. Arrange your favorite magazines
on the floor in front of you, or display a particularly
fascinating GIF, or make sure the VCR is cued up and the
remote is handy. One of the real joys of using PseudoCunt is
that it leaves both hands free to work the VCR remote or
languidly browse through magazines, savoring the tight cunt
sucking wetly at your dick with each slight movement of your
hips. With careful preparation it's a damned comfortable
position, and you can just lie there for as long as you please,
indulging as many fantasies as your self-control will allow.
* For best results, fuck slowly and gently on first
penetration. This allows the PseudoCunt hole to adjust to
the proper diameter.
* Don't ram your dick in to the bottom at first. Go slowly,
and try to restrain yourself as long as possible, fucking a
just a little deeper at a time. Each time you stroke a
little deeper, the PseudoCunt is a little tighter, and
incrementally warmer. The sensation is fabulous if prolonged.
I like to keep the last inch or so unpenetrated until I'm
just at the point of cumming, then grunt and howl and plunge
to the bottom and blast my sperm into the tight warmth deep
down inside.
* Sound effects, if authentic, can really heighten the effect.
Porn videos just don't do it for me. Too contrived. I have a
few audio tapes that do, though, and once in a while I'll put
on the headphones while fucking my Pseudocunt. One is a tape
I made by concealing the microphone in the headboard of the
bed before fucking my wife doggy-style (you should consider
trying this; it's incredibly arousing to hear the rutting
grunts and screams of a woman you know). The rest are
recordings of phone-sex conversations with two former
girlfriends -- one in particular, whose panting and gasping
and whimpering as she masturbates is truly phenomenal.
* Shed all inhibitions. Admit to yourself that, while this may
seem truly bizarre behavior, it feels incredibly good. Get
hedonistic. Get totally naked. Or wear leather, or panties
and a bra, or clothespins on your scrotum, whatever makes your
dick throb and ooze.
TROUBLESHOOTING
If you experience problems with your PseudoCunt, the fault most
likely lies in your choice of materials, or lack of attention to
proper construction techniques.
Commonly experienced problems usually have simple solutions:
Too hot for comfort
If too hot, allow to cool at room temperature. Don't get
impatient and put it in the freezer, or outside in a
snowbank. If it cools unevenly, you're in for a very
unpleasant surprise.
Not warm enough
If too cool, place jar in a pan of water on the stove and
simmer for at least 30 minutes. To spread heat more evenly,
make sure the water covers at least 2/3 of the jar, and
place a wire rack beneath the jar to raise it off the bottom
of the pan. If a glass jar is used, you can heat it in a
microwave oven for a minute or so. [This procedure is not
recommended if using a waxed cardboard milk carton.]
These heating techniques, by the way, are handy for repeated
use of your PseudoCunt between washings, unless you're too
squeamish for sloppy seconds.
It's also occurred to me that a hair dryer might be a quick
alternative, but I haven't tried this. I'm not sure I could
maintain a hardon or a straight face kneeling there naked
and blow-drying a jar of spaghetti.
Bits of greasy spaghetti cling to your dick on withdrawal
This is normal. While the problem cannot be eliminated
entirely, the effect can be minimized by several means:
1- Make sure spaghetti is packed in VERY tightly.
2- Use a high-shouldered jar (see above) to help keep
the spaghetti in place on the out strokes.
3- Make sure hole in Saran Wrap is not too large.
Punch, do not cut, this hole to prevent tearing.
PseudoCunt makes distracting slurping noises
You used too much butter, or oil, or both. Or you've gang-
banged your PseudoCunt one too many times and you need to
clean it out and start over again at Step 2.
Of course, if you want to fantasize about oral sex, this
could be regarded as a design feature rather than a problem.
Greasy stains on sofa cushions
My wife responds to greasy stains on upholstery by
immediately dumping a big pile of talcum powder on the
spill, letting it sit for a while, vacuuming it off later,
then calling in a professional furniture cleaner to finish
the job.
I try to avoid stains by making sure the Saran Wrap is
tightly secured with the rubber band, and by spreading a
towel over the leading edge of the sofa cushion pile. I'd
rather not have to explain PseudoCunt stains to my wife.
Fetid stench
Throw away the spaghetti and wash the damn thing. Unless
mold and bacteria growth play an essential role in your
sexual fantasies, repeated use of the PseudoCunt is not
recommended beyond, say, 24 hours. Refrigerate after use.
WHY I CREATED PSEUDOCUNT
No, I'm not a social outcast or a phobic recluse. I have a
normal sex life (pretty fabulous, actually) so I should
explain why I continued to experiment with masturbation
techniques in adulthood, long after abandoning the clumsy
remedies most teens invent to draw off excess spunk.
One reason is simply that I'm a very sensuous person with a
vivid imagination. I've found that I can occasionally attain
amazing heights of sexual arousal when I masturbate. At the
risk of sounding immodest, I've induced some of the best
orgasms I've ever had.
Another reason is that I am aware of absolutely no physical
or psychological reasons not to masturbate, and can't help
wondering if the world might not be a better place if more
people did. Whether they use fists or balloons or spaghetti.
Finally, it provides a fabulous way to indulge certain sexual
fantasies that just can't be shared no matter how skilled and
understanding one's lover may be. Know what I mean?
If you're inclined to give this thing a try, I hope it
enhances your own secret fantasies as much as it does mine.
If you have a technique of your own, write it up and post it
for others to share. If you find the whole concept disgusting,
why did you read this far?
The other day I found an amusing and informative text file on
some BBS or other, explaining how to make a lifelike, artificial
vagina "out of common household products."
Hey, I thought, I've tried that. (Bet you have, too. Be honest.)
I was intrigued.
The guy who wrote it calls his device Porta-Pussy. It involves a
mailing tube, a string, and a balloon. Basically, you lower the
balloon into the tube, stretch the neck of the balloon to overlap
the outer edge of the tube, then use the string to stretch the
balloon down the length of the tube.
He suggests taping the tube to the edge of a table, kneeling down
and licking it for a while, then standing up and fucking it.
I just tried fucking it. It wasn't bad. I decided not to try the
advanced applications, though, which include sticking a dildo up
your ass and drinking the cum as it leaks out of the tube. Another
time, maybe.
But I did admire his imaginative design; simple to make, reasonable
facsimile, easy cleanup (throw away the balloon). His description
made fun reading, too; "How I Spell Relief." I encourage others to
download his file (called IWACK1.ZIP).
So, in a spirit of sharing, here's my technique. It doesn't look
as authentic as his, and it takes more preparation, but I think
it feels MUCH closer to the real thing. Close your eyes and the
PseudoCunt (this name just occurred to me; snappy, huh?) feels
just EXACTLY like a warm, wet, tight pussy.
You think I'm kidding, right? Nope. Read on, if you're so inclined.
CONTENTS:
1- Registration
2- Materials & Ingredients
3- Construction
4- How to Use
5- Hints & Techniques
6- Troubleshooting
7- Why I Created PseudoCunt
REGISTRATION:
Ha, ha. Get it? It's software. Real soft. If you figure
out who I am, send me some money. PseudoCunt is not
shareware, by the way. It's recommended for use alone.
MATERIALS & INGREDIENTS:
* Cylindrical container (see below)
* Large pot (3-4 quart capacity)
* Butter or margarine (2-3 tablespoons)
* Vegetable oil (just a drop or two)
* Saran Wrap or equivalent
* Spaghetti or fettucini (lots; two boxes)
* Sturdy rubber band
* Several big, firm sofa cushions (optional)
* Your favorite masturbation fantasies in magazine, video,
gif, or virtual form
CONSTRUCTION:
1- Find a suitable container. This is the tough part. The
best one I've found is an overlarge Mason-type jar (about
11" tall), though these are hard to find. Second choice
would be a length of PVC pipe sealed at one end, or a
mailing tube, but it should be at least five inches in
diameter. A half-gallon cardboard milk carton might work,
with clever modifications.
2- In a large pot, bring two or three quarts of water to
full boil. Add a tablespoon of vegetable oil and a pinch of
salt. Boil spaghetti to aldente texture (about 8 minutes).
Any pasta will do, but I find spaghetti and fettucini most
satisfactory.
3- Drain spaghetti, but do not rinse. Mix in A FEW DROPS of
vegetable oil (be CAREFUL not to use too much; use just
enough to keep the spaghetti from sticking together) and
stir well. Set aside in colander until cool enough to handle.
4- While spaghetti is cooling, melt some butter (not much; about
1/3 of one of those little butter pats you get with toast in
a diner is enough). Don't let it boil; 15-30 seconds in the
microwave should do it.
5- Stuff spaghetti into the container described in Step 1.
Really pack it in tightly; as tight as you can cram it in.
This is crucial to success. I use wooden cooking implements
to tamp it down. When the jar is about 3/4 full, bore a hole
down the center with something long and moderately thin (I
use the long handle of a wooden stirring spoon) and continue
packing spaghetti around it, up the brim. Remember to pack
tightly; spaghetti will compress a lot more than you'd think.
6- At this point, remove the rod or dowel or whatever, and
pour a SMALL amount of melted butter down into the little
hole to lubricate it. (By the way, I've found that butter or
margarine feels much more like the creamy inside of an
aroused cunt than any kind of oil; and I've tried quite a
few). Stick your finger in and work the lubrication down
into the little hole. Feels interesting, doesn't it? Close
your eyes and probe, slowly; does that feel just EXACTLY
like a wet pussy hole, or what?
7- Now, use something wider and slightly tapered to widen the
mouth of the surrogate vagina (I use the neck of a wine or
beer bottle). Do this gently, and don't widen it to your
full dick diameter; you want it to be nice and tight.
8- Cut a generous length of Saran Wrap and stretch it tightly
over the mouth of the jar. Fasten it tightly with the
rubber band. Now punch a hole in the Saran Wrap in the
obvious place. (Use a pencil, or a spoon handle, not a
knife; a sharp cut will make the Saran Wrap tear.)
HOW TO USE:
1- Pile two or more big, thick sofa cushions on top of each
other. Make an identical pile next to the first, leaving a
12-inch space between the two piles.
2- In the space between the cushions, spread a towel (or
newspaper) on the floor. If properly constructed, your
PseudoCunt should not make a mess unless you really get
carried away, but it's a good idea to protect against this
possibility.
3- Position the PseudoCunt jar on the floor between the two
cushion piles.
4- Lie across the cushion piles, chest on one, thighs on the
other, dick dangling in the space between. Now, gaze lovingly
at whatever fantasy object you prefer, tease the head of your
dick against the warm, slick mouth and begin fucking.
HINTS AND TECHNIQUES:
* Before you get started, check with your finger to make
sure your PseudoCunt has cooled to the proper temperature.
You don't want to burn yourself. Optimum temperature should
be obvious if you're a reasonably sexually active person.
Push your finger in as deeply as you can; the bottom of the
jar may be too hot even though the mouth is a nice, warm,
cuntlike temperature.
* The PseudoCunt is not recommended for quickies. Choose a
time when you're absolutely certain you'll be alone and
undisturbed. PseudoCunt takes some time to prepare, and a
fair amount of what's called in cinema and theater circles
'suspension of disbelief.' It can't be fully enjoyed if
you're worried about your wife or girlfriend walking in and
finding you fucking a jar of spaghetti.
* Size of the container is important. Make sure it is at
least two inches deeper than your dick is long, and wide
enough so that your dick is surrounded by a generous cushion
of pseudo cuntflesh. You don't want to bang up against the
hard sides or bottom of the thing at a crucial moment.
* Shape of the container is important, too. I like the jumbo
jar configuration because the "shoulders" of the jar where
the neck narrows help to keep the spaghetti in place when
you withdraw on the out-strokes.
* Don't use too much butter. A very small amount should suffice.
Remember that your own secretions will increase the lubricating
effect. It's not generally recognized that grease and oils
actually DE-sensitize erectile tissue. A thin coat of oil on
your dick is like wearing a condom. I find that the absolutely
perfect effect is achieved by adding just a *tiny* amount of
butter, then slathering saliva all over my dick just before
first penetration. The combination of butter, saliva and natural
lubrication that leaks from your dick feels closer to authentic
vagina arousal than any oil I've ever tried.
* Make adequate preparations. Arrange your favorite magazines
on the floor in front of you, or display a particularly
fascinating GIF, or make sure the VCR is cued up and the
remote is handy. One of the real joys of using PseudoCunt is
that it leaves both hands free to work the VCR remote or
languidly browse through magazines, savoring the tight cunt
sucking wetly at your dick with each slight movement of your
hips. With careful preparation it's a damned comfortable
position, and you can just lie there for as long as you please,
indulging as many fantasies as your self-control will allow.
* For best results, fuck slowly and gently on first
penetration. This allows the PseudoCunt hole to adjust to
the proper diameter.
* Don't ram your dick in to the bottom at first. Go slowly,
and try to restrain yourself as long as possible, fucking a
just a little deeper at a time. Each time you stroke a
little deeper, the PseudoCunt is a little tighter, and
incrementally warmer. The sensation is fabulous if prolonged.
I like to keep the last inch or so unpenetrated until I'm
just at the point of cumming, then grunt and howl and plunge
to the bottom and blast my sperm into the tight warmth deep
down inside.
* Sound effects, if authentic, can really heighten the effect.
Porn videos just don't do it for me. Too contrived. I have a
few audio tapes that do, though, and once in a while I'll put
on the headphones while fucking my Pseudocunt. One is a tape
I made by concealing the microphone in the headboard of the
bed before fucking my wife doggy-style (you should consider
trying this; it's incredibly arousing to hear the rutting
grunts and screams of a woman you know). The rest are
recordings of phone-sex conversations with two former
girlfriends -- one in particular, whose panting and gasping
and whimpering as she masturbates is truly phenomenal.
* Shed all inhibitions. Admit to yourself that, while this may
seem truly bizarre behavior, it feels incredibly good. Get
hedonistic. Get totally naked. Or wear leather, or panties
and a bra, or clothespins on your scrotum, whatever makes your
dick throb and ooze.
TROUBLESHOOTING
If you experience problems with your PseudoCunt, the fault most
likely lies in your choice of materials, or lack of attention to
proper construction techniques.
Commonly experienced problems usually have simple solutions:
Too hot for comfort
If too hot, allow to cool at room temperature. Don't get
impatient and put it in the freezer, or outside in a
snowbank. If it cools unevenly, you're in for a very
unpleasant surprise.
Not warm enough
If too cool, place jar in a pan of water on the stove and
simmer for at least 30 minutes. To spread heat more evenly,
make sure the water covers at least 2/3 of the jar, and
place a wire rack beneath the jar to raise it off the bottom
of the pan. If a glass jar is used, you can heat it in a
microwave oven for a minute or so. [This procedure is not
recommended if using a waxed cardboard milk carton.]
These heating techniques, by the way, are handy for repeated
use of your PseudoCunt between washings, unless you're too
squeamish for sloppy seconds.
It's also occurred to me that a hair dryer might be a quick
alternative, but I haven't tried this. I'm not sure I could
maintain a hardon or a straight face kneeling there naked
and blow-drying a jar of spaghetti.
Bits of greasy spaghetti cling to your dick on withdrawal
This is normal. While the problem cannot be eliminated
entirely, the effect can be minimized by several means:
1- Make sure spaghetti is packed in VERY tightly.
2- Use a high-shouldered jar (see above) to help keep
the spaghetti in place on the out strokes.
3- Make sure hole in Saran Wrap is not too large.
Punch, do not cut, this hole to prevent tearing.
PseudoCunt makes distracting slurping noises
You used too much butter, or oil, or both. Or you've gang-
banged your PseudoCunt one too many times and you need to
clean it out and start over again at Step 2.
Of course, if you want to fantasize about oral sex, this
could be regarded as a design feature rather than a problem.
Greasy stains on sofa cushions
My wife responds to greasy stains on upholstery by
immediately dumping a big pile of talcum powder on the
spill, letting it sit for a while, vacuuming it off later,
then calling in a professional furniture cleaner to finish
the job.
I try to avoid stains by making sure the Saran Wrap is
tightly secured with the rubber band, and by spreading a
towel over the leading edge of the sofa cushion pile. I'd
rather not have to explain PseudoCunt stains to my wife.
Fetid stench
Throw away the spaghetti and wash the damn thing. Unless
mold and bacteria growth play an essential role in your
sexual fantasies, repeated use of the PseudoCunt is not
recommended beyond, say, 24 hours. Refrigerate after use.
WHY I CREATED PSEUDOCUNT
No, I'm not a social outcast or a phobic recluse. I have a
normal sex life (pretty fabulous, actually) so I should
explain why I continued to experiment with masturbation
techniques in adulthood, long after abandoning the clumsy
remedies most teens invent to draw off excess spunk.
One reason is simply that I'm a very sensuous person with a
vivid imagination. I've found that I can occasionally attain
amazing heights of sexual arousal when I masturbate. At the
risk of sounding immodest, I've induced some of the best
orgasms I've ever had.
Another reason is that I am aware of absolutely no physical
or psychological reasons not to masturbate, and can't help
wondering if the world might not be a better place if more
people did. Whether they use fists or balloons or spaghetti.
Finally, it provides a fabulous way to indulge certain sexual
fantasies that just can't be shared no matter how skilled and
understanding one's lover may be. Know what I mean?
If you're inclined to give this thing a try, I hope it
enhances your own secret fantasies as much as it does mine.
If you have a technique of your own, write it up and post it
for others to share. If you find the whole concept disgusting,
why did you read this far?
Re:What will CmdrTaco do?
on
The New Athlons
·
· Score: -1, Offtopic
I'm so glad someone else has noticed this. I'm sure CmdrTaco uses Linux for things like IRC and email, but when it comes to playing games (which I'm sure occupies 80% of his time) he'll use Windows.
Now admitedly the various gaming SDKs for Linux are weak compared to MS DirectX. However, I've found that most games can be played under WINE. I doubt that Taco or anyone else at Slashdot does this.
I insist that James Brown be freed at once! His imprisonment under the DMCA is illegal and misguided! FREE THE HARDEST WORKING MAN IN SHOW BUSINESS IMMEDIATELY!!
While I'm not interested, I do know someone who is obsessed with young boys. If you mail him I'm certain you'll find someone you can swap all kinds of pics with.
No, the rainbows will be left in because the Enterprise is a vehicle for homosexuals. Christ, the crew might as well be flying around in a big pink triangle!!
Pretty much everywhere. I couldn't quite place it coming from a particular source. It was weird. But he definately smelled like feet. I wanted to slap a handful of Odor Eaters onto him. No wonder he sits on his couch watching anime all day. If I stunk like that too, I wouldn't leave the house either!!
Yes, yes I am. I got kicked out of Slashdot's IRC channel for using the nick CMDR_TACO_SMELLS_LIKE_FEET the other day. Christ those people are wound up tighter than an epileptic snake charmer, aren't they.
With your 500k userid, I doubt you even know what to do if a woman is around.
Sadly, this is true. I haven't had a woman. Ever. Thank god you came over last night and let me put lingere on you before I took you like a woman. God bless you for giving me back my pride, and letting me give you in return a shiney pearl necklace.
I wonder when Cowboy Neal's gay ass filter will kick in to stop me from posting. God I hate being oppressed by that fat fuck.
Okay, mark this down as a troll (because it is) but Star Trek flat out sucks. I hated it when I was little and I hate it now. It's plot is about as thin as the condom I used when I anally violated Dimitry Skyalrov back in prison. "Oh trapped on the holo deck!" "Oh another time anomoly!" "Oh shut the fuck up and get a life."
Now the Rush Limbaugh show. There's a real show for real men. Not like that faggot hippie fairy crap Roddenberry put out.
...I haven't changed my.sig in years. I think the last time I did was when I buttfucked your mom. I remember it clearly because after I pulled my drained member from her crusty poopchute, I gave her a dirty sanchez by wiping my shit-covered wang across her upper lip!! Hahaaha!
I also remember the time I let her play my rusty trombone. Thats where she licked my dingleberry-encrusted asshole while she gave me a handjob. Your mom sure made me cum like a wildcat! Oh, she said to call me Daddy, too, so start doing it bitch.
Slashdot Mirror
What's spooky is how eerily accurate this is. Although you were modded down as a troll, this is just the Imperialist hate monger trying to suppress the People!! YOUR MESSAGE IS GETTING OUT!
All our love,
Egg Troll
Slashdot seems to have disabled sigs. Perhaps if Taco could learn to fucking code, trolls like myself wouldn't be running this place.
Brilliant!
Leela
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Whenever I read Slashdot at -1, I feel the need to take a shower. Sometimes I take one with Taco!!
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Now if you have an ASCII Penny, that would be snazzy!
Yaaaargh maties! Juar3z pirates off the poopdeck!!
Well at the Gay Gangbang, Taco usually takes the roll of a "server". He lays on his back, spreading open his cheeks to "serve" the other members of the Slashdot team. Additionally, michael also is a "server". However his job is to "serve" men with his pinky up their ass while he's fellating them. I hope this clears things up for you, ubertroll.
I will have to bookmark those links for future reference. That streaming video clip you have was pretty good, although in true Open Source fashion, an MPEG would've been more suitable than a Real Media file. But hey, anything to hear Taco pretty much confess what happened is worth it. Keep up the good work!
Hahaha! Nice to see you back ubertroll. That gay filter cut you off for a while?
The other day I found an amusing and informative text file on some BBS or other, explaining how to make a lifelike, artificial vagina "out of common household products." Hey, I thought, I've tried that. (Bet you have, too. Be honest.) I was intrigued. The guy who wrote it calls his device Porta-Pussy. It involves a mailing tube, a string, and a balloon. Basically, you lower the balloon into the tube, stretch the neck of the balloon to overlap the outer edge of the tube, then use the string to stretch the balloon down the length of the tube. He suggests taping the tube to the edge of a table, kneeling down and licking it for a while, then standing up and fucking it.
I just tried fucking it. It wasn't bad. I decided not to try the advanced applications, though, which include sticking a dildo up your ass and drinking the cum as it leaks out of the tube. Another time, maybe. But I did admire his imaginative design; simple to make, reasonable facsimile, easy cleanup (throw away the balloon). His description made fun reading, too; "How I Spell Relief." I encourage others to download his file (called IWACK1.ZIP).
So, in a spirit of sharing, here's my technique. It doesn't look as authentic as his, and it takes more preparation, but I think it feels MUCH closer to the real thing. Close your eyes and the PseudoCunt (this name just occurred to me; snappy, huh?) feels just EXACTLY like a warm, wet, tight pussy. You think I'm kidding, right? Nope. Read on, if you're so inclined.
CONTENTS:
1- Registration
2- Materials & Ingredients
3- Construction
4- How to Use
5- Hints & Techniques
6- Troubleshooting
7- Why I Created PseudoCunt
REGISTRATION:
Ha, ha. Get it? It's software. Real soft. If you figure out who I am, send me some money. PseudoCunt is not shareware, by the way. It's recommended for use alone.
MATERIALS & INGREDIENTS:
* Cylindrical container (see below)
* Large pot (3-4 quart capacity)
* Butter or margarine (2-3 tablespoons)
* Vegetable oil (just a drop or two)
* Saran Wrap or equivalent
* Spaghetti or fettucini (lots; two boxes)
* Sturdy rubber band
* Several big, firm sofa cushions (optional)
* Your favorite masturbation fantasies in magazine, video, gif, or virtual form
CONSTRUCTION:
1- Find a suitable container. This is the tough part. The best one I've found is an overlarge Mason-type jar (about 11" tall), though these are hard to find. Second choice would be a length of PVC pipe sealed at one end, or a mailing tube, but it should be at least five inches in diameter. A half-gallon cardboard milk carton might work, with clever modifications.
2- In a large pot, bring two or three quarts of water to full boil. Add a tablespoon of vegetable oil and a pinch of salt. Boil spaghetti to aldente texture (about 8 minutes). Any pasta will do, but I find spaghetti and fettucini most satisfactory.
3- Drain spaghetti, but do not rinse. Mix in A FEW DROPS of vegetable oil (be CAREFUL not to use too much; use just enough to keep the spaghetti from sticking together) and stir well. Set aside in colander until cool enough to handle.
4- While spaghetti is cooling, melt some butter (not much; about 1/3 of one of those little butter pats you get with toast in a diner is enough). Don't let it boil; 15-30 seconds in the microwave should do it.
5- Stuff spaghetti into the container described in Step 1. Really pack it in tightly; as tight as you can cram it in. This is crucial to success. I use wooden cooking implements to tamp it down. When the jar is about 3/4 full, bore a hole down the center with something long and moderately thin (I use the long handle of a wooden stirring spoon) and continue packing spaghetti around it, up the brim. Remember to pack tightly; spaghetti will compress a lot more than you'd think.
6- At this point, remove the rod or dowel or whatever, and pour a SMALL amount of melted butter down into the little hole to lubricate it. (By the way, I've found that butter or margarine feels much more like the creamy inside of an aroused cunt than any kind of oil; and I've tried quite a few). Stick your finger in and work the lubrication down into the little hole. Feels interesting, doesn't it? Close your eyes and probe, slowly; does that feel just EXACTLY like a wet pussy hole, or what?
7- Now, use something wider and slightly tapered to widen the mouth of the surrogate vagina (I use the neck of a wine or beer bottle). Do this gently, and don't widen it to your full dick diameter; you want it to be nice and tight.
8- Cut a generous length of Saran Wrap and stretch it tightly over the mouth of the jar. Fasten it tightly with the rubber band. Now punch a hole in the Saran Wrap in the obvious place. (Use a pencil, or a spoon handle, not a knife; a sharp cut will make the Saran Wrap tear.)
HOW TO USE:
1- Pile two or more big, thick sofa cushions on top of each other. Make an identical pile next to the first, leaving a 12-inch space between the two piles.
2- In the space between the cushions, spread a towel (or newspaper) on the floor. If properly constructed, your PseudoCunt should not make a mess unless you really get carried away, but it's a good idea to protect against this possibility.
3- Position the PseudoCunt jar on the floor between the two cushion piles.
4- Lie across the cushion piles, chest on one, thighs on the other, dick dangling in the space between. Now, gaze lovingly at whatever fantasy object you prefer, tease the head of your dick against the warm, slick mouth and begin fucking.
HINTS AND TECHNIQUES:
* Before you get started, check with your finger to make sure your PseudoCunt has cooled to the proper temperature. You don't want to burn yourself. Optimum temperature should be obvious if you're a reasonably sexually active person. Push your finger in as deeply as you can; the bottom of the jar may be too hot even though the mouth is a nice, warm, cuntlike temperature.
* The PseudoCunt is not recommended for quickies. Choose a time when you're absolutely certain you'll be alone and undisturbed. PseudoCunt takes some time to prepare, and a fair amount of what's called in cinema and theater circles 'suspension of disbelief.' It can't be fully enjoyed if you're worried about your wife or girlfriend walking in and finding you fucking a jar of spaghetti.
* Size of the container is important. Make sure it is at least two inches deeper than your dick is long, and wide enough so that your dick is surrounded by a generous cushion of pseudo cuntflesh. You don't want to bang up against the hard sides or bottom of the thing at a crucial moment.
* Shape of the container is important, too. I like the jumbo jar configuration because the "shoulders" of the jar where the neck narrows help to keep the spaghetti in place when you withdraw on the out-strokes.
* Don't use too much butter. A very small amount should suffice. Remember that your own secretions will increase the lubricating effect. It's not generally recognized that grease and oils actually DE-sensitize erectile tissue. A thin coat of oil on your dick is like wearing a condom. I find that the absolutely perfect effect is achieved by adding just a *tiny* amount of butter, then slathering saliva all over my dick just before first penetration. The combination of butter, saliva and natural lubrication that leaks from your dick feels closer to authentic vagina arousal than any oil I've ever tried.
* Make adequate preparations. Arrange your favorite magazines on the floor in front of you, or display a particularly fascinating GIF, or make sure the VCR is cued up and the remote is handy. One of the real joys of using PseudoCunt is that it leaves both hands free to work the VCR remote or languidly browse through magazines, savoring the tight cunt sucking wetly at your dick with each slight movement of your hips. With careful preparation it's a damned comfortable position, and you can just lie there for as long as you please, indulging as many fantasies as your self-control will allow.
* For best results, fuck slowly and gently on first penetration. This allows the PseudoCunt hole to adjust to the proper diameter.
* Don't ram your dick in to the bottom at first. Go slowly, and try to restrain yourself as long as possible, fucking a just a little deeper at a time. Each time you stroke a little deeper, the PseudoCunt is a little tighter, and incrementally warmer. The sensation is fabulous if prolonged. I like to keep the last inch or so unpenetrated until I'm just at the point of cumming, then grunt and howl and plunge to the bottom and blast my sperm into the tight warmth deep down inside.
* Sound effects, if authentic, can really heighten the effect. Porn videos just don't do it for me. Too contrived. I have a few audio tapes that do, though, and once in a while I'll put on the headphones while fucking my Pseudocunt. One is a tape I made by concealing the microphone in the headboard of the bed before fucking my wife doggy-style (you should consider trying this; it's incredibly arousing to hear the rutting grunts and screams of a woman you know). The rest are recordings of phone-sex conversations with two former girlfriends -- one in particular, whose panting and gasping and whimpering as she masturbates is truly phenomenal.
* Shed all inhibitions. Admit to yourself that, while this may seem truly bizarre behavior, it feels incredibly good. Get hedonistic. Get totally naked. Or wear leather, or panties and a bra, or clothespins on your scrotum, whatever makes your dick throb and ooze.
TROUBLESHOOTING
If you experience problems with your PseudoCunt, the fault most likely lies in your choice of materials, or lack of attention to proper construction techniques.
Commonly experienced problems usually have simple solutions:
Too hot for comfort
If too hot, allow to cool at room temperature. Don't get impatient and put it in the freezer, or outside in a snowbank. If it cools unevenly, you're in for a very unpleasant surprise.
Not warm enough
If too cool, place jar in a pan of water on the stove and simmer for at least 30 minutes. To spread heat more evenly, make sure the water covers at least 2/3 of the jar, and place a wire rack beneath the jar to raise it off the bottom of the pan. If a glass jar is used, you can heat it in a microwave oven for a minute or so. [This procedure is not recommended if using a waxed cardboard milk carton.]
These heating techniques, by the way, are handy for repeated use of your PseudoCunt between washings, unless you're too squeamish for sloppy seconds.
It's also occurred to me that a hair dryer might be a quick alternative, but I haven't tried this. I'm not sure I could maintain a hardon or a straight face kneeling there naked and blow-drying a jar of spaghetti.
Bits of greasy spaghetti cling to your dick on withdrawal
This is normal. While the problem cannot be eliminated entirely, the effect can be minimized by several means:
1- Make sure spaghetti is packed in VERY tightly.
2- Use a high-shouldered jar (see above) to help keep the spaghetti in place on the out strokes.
3- Make sure hole in Saran Wrap is not too large. Punch, do not cut, this hole to prevent tearing.
PseudoCunt makes distracting slurping noises
You used too much butter, or oil, or both. Or you've gang- banged your PseudoCunt one too many times and you need to clean it out and start over again at Step 2.
Of course, if you want to fantasize about oral sex, this could be regarded as a design feature rather than a problem.
Greasy stains on sofa cushions
My wife responds to greasy stains on upholstery by immediately dumping a big pile of talcum powder on the spill, letting it sit for a while, vacuuming it off later, then calling in a professional furniture cleaner to finish the job. I try to avoid stains by making sure the Saran Wrap is tightly secured with the rubber band, and by spreading a towel over the leading edge of the sofa cushion pile. I'd rather not have to explain PseudoCunt stains to my wife.
Fetid stench
Throw away the spaghetti and wash the damn thing. Unless mold and bacteria growth play an essential role in your sexual fantasies, repeated use of the PseudoCunt is not recommended beyond, say, 24 hours. Refrigerate after use.
WHY I CREATED PSEUDOCUNT
No, I'm not a social outcast or a phobic recluse. I have a normal sex life (pretty fabulous, actually) so I should explain why I continued to experiment with masturbation techniques in adulthood, long after abandoning the clumsy remedies most teens invent to draw off excess spunk. One reason is simply that I'm a very sensuous person with a vivid imagination. I've found that I can occasionally attain amazing heights of sexual arousal when I masturbate. At the risk of sounding immodest, I've induced some of the best orgasms I've ever had. Another reason is that I am aware of absolutely no physical or psychological reasons not to masturbate, and can't help wondering if the world might not be a better place if more people did. Whether they use fists or balloons or spaghetti.
Finally, it provides a fabulous way to indulge certain sexual fantasies that just can't be shared no matter how skilled and understanding one's lover may be. Know what I mean? If you're inclined to give this thing a try, I hope it enhances your own secret fantasies as much as it does mine. If you have a technique of your own, write it up and post it for others to share. If you find the whole concept disgusting, why did you read this far?
The other day I found an amusing and informative text file on some BBS or other, explaining how to make a lifelike, artificial vagina "out of common household products." Hey, I thought, I've tried that. (Bet you have, too. Be honest.) I was intrigued. The guy who wrote it calls his device Porta-Pussy. It involves a mailing tube, a string, and a balloon. Basically, you lower the balloon into the tube, stretch the neck of the balloon to overlap the outer edge of the tube, then use the string to stretch the balloon down the length of the tube. He suggests taping the tube to the edge of a table, kneeling down and licking it for a while, then standing up and fucking it.
I just tried fucking it. It wasn't bad. I decided not to try the advanced applications, though, which include sticking a dildo up your ass and drinking the cum as it leaks out of the tube. Another time, maybe. But I did admire his imaginative design; simple to make, reasonable facsimile, easy cleanup (throw away the balloon). His description made fun reading, too; "How I Spell Relief." I encourage others to download his file (called IWACK1.ZIP).
So, in a spirit of sharing, here's my technique. It doesn't look as authentic as his, and it takes more preparation, but I think it feels MUCH closer to the real thing. Close your eyes and the PseudoCunt (this name just occurred to me; snappy, huh?) feels just EXACTLY like a warm, wet, tight pussy. You think I'm kidding, right? Nope. Read on, if you're so inclined.
CONTENTS:
1- Registration
2- Materials & Ingredients
3- Construction
4- How to Use
5- Hints & Techniques
6- Troubleshooting
7- Why I Created PseudoCunt
REGISTRATION:
Ha, ha. Get it? It's software. Real soft. If you figure out who I am, send me some money. PseudoCunt is not shareware, by the way. It's recommended for use alone.
MATERIALS & INGREDIENTS:
* Cylindrical container (see below)
* Large pot (3-4 quart capacity)
* Butter or margarine (2-3 tablespoons)
* Vegetable oil (just a drop or two)
* Saran Wrap or equivalent
* Spaghetti or fettucini (lots; two boxes)
* Sturdy rubber band
* Several big, firm sofa cushions (optional)
* Your favorite masturbation fantasies in magazine, video, gif, or virtual form
CONSTRUCTION:
1- Find a suitable container. This is the tough part. The best one I've found is an overlarge Mason-type jar (about 11" tall), though these are hard to find. Second choice would be a length of PVC pipe sealed at one end, or a mailing tube, but it should be at least five inches in diameter. A half-gallon cardboard milk carton might work, with clever modifications.
2- In a large pot, bring two or three quarts of water to full boil. Add a tablespoon of vegetable oil and a pinch of salt. Boil spaghetti to aldente texture (about 8 minutes). Any pasta will do, but I find spaghetti and fettucini most satisfactory.
3- Drain spaghetti, but do not rinse. Mix in A FEW DROPS of vegetable oil (be CAREFUL not to use too much; use just enough to keep the spaghetti from sticking together) and stir well. Set aside in colander until cool enough to handle.
4- While spaghetti is cooling, melt some butter (not much; about 1/3 of one of those little butter pats you get with toast in a diner is enough). Don't let it boil; 15-30 seconds in the microwave should do it.
5- Stuff spaghetti into the container described in Step 1. Really pack it in tightly; as tight as you can cram it in. This is crucial to success. I use wooden cooking implements to tamp it down. When the jar is about 3/4 full, bore a hole down the center with something long and moderately thin (I use the long handle of a wooden stirring spoon) and continue packing spaghetti around it, up the brim. Remember to pack tightly; spaghetti will compress a lot more than you'd think.
6- At this point, remove the rod or dowel or whatever, and pour a SMALL amount of melted butter down into the little hole to lubricate it. (By the way, I've found that butter or margarine feels much more like the creamy inside of an aroused cunt than any kind of oil; and I've tried quite a few). Stick your finger in and work the lubrication down into the little hole. Feels interesting, doesn't it? Close your eyes and probe, slowly; does that feel just EXACTLY like a wet pussy hole, or what?
7- Now, use something wider and slightly tapered to widen the mouth of the surrogate vagina (I use the neck of a wine or beer bottle). Do this gently, and don't widen it to your full dick diameter; you want it to be nice and tight.
8- Cut a generous length of Saran Wrap and stretch it tightly over the mouth of the jar. Fasten it tightly with the rubber band. Now punch a hole in the Saran Wrap in the obvious place. (Use a pencil, or a spoon handle, not a knife; a sharp cut will make the Saran Wrap tear.)
HOW TO USE:
1- Pile two or more big, thick sofa cushions on top of each other. Make an identical pile next to the first, leaving a 12-inch space between the two piles.
2- In the space between the cushions, spread a towel (or newspaper) on the floor. If properly constructed, your PseudoCunt should not make a mess unless you really get carried away, but it's a good idea to protect against this possibility.
3- Position the PseudoCunt jar on the floor between the two cushion piles.
4- Lie across the cushion piles, chest on one, thighs on the other, dick dangling in the space between. Now, gaze lovingly at whatever fantasy object you prefer, tease the head of your dick against the warm, slick mouth and begin fucking.
HINTS AND TECHNIQUES:
* Before you get started, check with your finger to make sure your PseudoCunt has cooled to the proper temperature. You don't want to burn yourself. Optimum temperature should be obvious if you're a reasonably sexually active person. Push your finger in as deeply as you can; the bottom of the jar may be too hot even though the mouth is a nice, warm, cuntlike temperature.
* The PseudoCunt is not recommended for quickies. Choose a time when you're absolutely certain you'll be alone and undisturbed. PseudoCunt takes some time to prepare, and a fair amount of what's called in cinema and theater circles 'suspension of disbelief.' It can't be fully enjoyed if you're worried about your wife or girlfriend walking in and finding you fucking a jar of spaghetti.
* Size of the container is important. Make sure it is at least two inches deeper than your dick is long, and wide enough so that your dick is surrounded by a generous cushion of pseudo cuntflesh. You don't want to bang up against the hard sides or bottom of the thing at a crucial moment.
* Shape of the container is important, too. I like the jumbo jar configuration because the "shoulders" of the jar where the neck narrows help to keep the spaghetti in place when you withdraw on the out-strokes.
* Don't use too much butter. A very small amount should suffice. Remember that your own secretions will increase the lubricating effect. It's not generally recognized that grease and oils actually DE-sensitize erectile tissue. A thin coat of oil on your dick is like wearing a condom. I find that the absolutely perfect effect is achieved by adding just a *tiny* amount of butter, then slathering saliva all over my dick just before first penetration. The combination of butter, saliva and natural lubrication that leaks from your dick feels closer to authentic vagina arousal than any oil I've ever tried.
* Make adequate preparations. Arrange your favorite magazines on the floor in front of you, or display a particularly fascinating GIF, or make sure the VCR is cued up and the remote is handy. One of the real joys of using PseudoCunt is that it leaves both hands free to work the VCR remote or languidly browse through magazines, savoring the tight cunt sucking wetly at your dick with each slight movement of your hips. With careful preparation it's a damned comfortable position, and you can just lie there for as long as you please, indulging as many fantasies as your self-control will allow.
* For best results, fuck slowly and gently on first penetration. This allows the PseudoCunt hole to adjust to the proper diameter.
* Don't ram your dick in to the bottom at first. Go slowly, and try to restrain yourself as long as possible, fucking a just a little deeper at a time. Each time you stroke a little deeper, the PseudoCunt is a little tighter, and incrementally warmer. The sensation is fabulous if prolonged. I like to keep the last inch or so unpenetrated until I'm just at the point of cumming, then grunt and howl and plunge to the bottom and blast my sperm into the tight warmth deep down inside.
* Sound effects, if authentic, can really heighten the effect. Porn videos just don't do it for me. Too contrived. I have a few audio tapes that do, though, and once in a while I'll put on the headphones while fucking my Pseudocunt. One is a tape I made by concealing the microphone in the headboard of the bed before fucking my wife doggy-style (you should consider trying this; it's incredibly arousing to hear the rutting grunts and screams of a woman you know). The rest are recordings of phone-sex conversations with two former girlfriends -- one in particular, whose panting and gasping and whimpering as she masturbates is truly phenomenal.
* Shed all inhibitions. Admit to yourself that, while this may seem truly bizarre behavior, it feels incredibly good. Get hedonistic. Get totally naked. Or wear leather, or panties and a bra, or clothespins on your scrotum, whatever makes your dick throb and ooze.
TROUBLESHOOTING
If you experience problems with your PseudoCunt, the fault most likely lies in your choice of materials, or lack of attention to proper construction techniques.
Commonly experienced problems usually have simple solutions:
Too hot for comfort
If too hot, allow to cool at room temperature. Don't get impatient and put it in the freezer, or outside in a snowbank. If it cools unevenly, you're in for a very unpleasant surprise.
Not warm enough
If too cool, place jar in a pan of water on the stove and simmer for at least 30 minutes. To spread heat more evenly, make sure the water covers at least 2/3 of the jar, and place a wire rack beneath the jar to raise it off the bottom of the pan. If a glass jar is used, you can heat it in a microwave oven for a minute or so. [This procedure is not recommended if using a waxed cardboard milk carton.]
These heating techniques, by the way, are handy for repeated use of your PseudoCunt between washings, unless you're too squeamish for sloppy seconds.
It's also occurred to me that a hair dryer might be a quick alternative, but I haven't tried this. I'm not sure I could maintain a hardon or a straight face kneeling there naked and blow-drying a jar of spaghetti.
Bits of greasy spaghetti cling to your dick on withdrawal
This is normal. While the problem cannot be eliminated entirely, the effect can be minimized by several means:
1- Make sure spaghetti is packed in VERY tightly.
2- Use a high-shouldered jar (see above) to help keep the spaghetti in place on the out strokes.
3- Make sure hole in Saran Wrap is not too large. Punch, do not cut, this hole to prevent tearing.
PseudoCunt makes distracting slurping noises
You used too much butter, or oil, or both. Or you've gang- banged your PseudoCunt one too many times and you need to clean it out and start over again at Step 2.
Of course, if you want to fantasize about oral sex, this could be regarded as a design feature rather than a problem.
Greasy stains on sofa cushions
My wife responds to greasy stains on upholstery by immediately dumping a big pile of talcum powder on the spill, letting it sit for a while, vacuuming it off later, then calling in a professional furniture cleaner to finish the job. I try to avoid stains by making sure the Saran Wrap is tightly secured with the rubber band, and by spreading a towel over the leading edge of the sofa cushion pile. I'd rather not have to explain PseudoCunt stains to my wife.
Fetid stench
Throw away the spaghetti and wash the damn thing. Unless mold and bacteria growth play an essential role in your sexual fantasies, repeated use of the PseudoCunt is not recommended beyond, say, 24 hours. Refrigerate after use.
WHY I CREATED PSEUDOCUNT
No, I'm not a social outcast or a phobic recluse. I have a normal sex life (pretty fabulous, actually) so I should explain why I continued to experiment with masturbation techniques in adulthood, long after abandoning the clumsy remedies most teens invent to draw off excess spunk. One reason is simply that I'm a very sensuous person with a vivid imagination. I've found that I can occasionally attain amazing heights of sexual arousal when I masturbate. At the risk of sounding immodest, I've induced some of the best orgasms I've ever had. Another reason is that I am aware of absolutely no physical or psychological reasons not to masturbate, and can't help wondering if the world might not be a better place if more people did. Whether they use fists or balloons or spaghetti.
Finally, it provides a fabulous way to indulge certain sexual fantasies that just can't be shared no matter how skilled and understanding one's lover may be. Know what I mean? If you're inclined to give this thing a try, I hope it enhances your own secret fantasies as much as it does mine. If you have a technique of your own, write it up and post it for others to share. If you find the whole concept disgusting, why did you read this far?
Now admitedly the various gaming SDKs for Linux are weak compared to MS DirectX. However, I've found that most games can be played under WINE. I doubt that Taco or anyone else at Slashdot does this.
I insist that James Brown be freed at once! His imprisonment under the DMCA is illegal and misguided! FREE THE HARDEST WORKING MAN IN SHOW BUSINESS IMMEDIATELY!!
While I'm not interested, I do know someone who is obsessed with young boys. If you mail him I'm certain you'll find someone you can swap all kinds of pics with.
Please waste your mod points here. Thank you!!
No, the rainbows will be left in because the Enterprise is a vehicle for homosexuals. Christ, the crew might as well be flying around in a big pink triangle!!
Pretty much everywhere. I couldn't quite place it coming from a particular source. It was weird. But he definately smelled like feet. I wanted to slap a handful of Odor Eaters onto him. No wonder he sits on his couch watching anime all day. If I stunk like that too, I wouldn't leave the house either!!
Well she was on the rag. I didn't want my wang covered in blood. It kinda grosses me out. :(
Yes, yes I am. I got kicked out of Slashdot's IRC channel for using the nick CMDR_TACO_SMELLS_LIKE_FEET the other day. Christ those people are wound up tighter than an epileptic snake charmer, aren't they.
My trolls are pretty pathetic today. But fuck it. I'm blueballed from this Chinese girl who wouldn't go all the way. How's your love life, ubertroll?
Sadly, this is true. I haven't had a woman. Ever. Thank god you came over last night and let me put lingere on you before I took you like a woman. God bless you for giving me back my pride, and letting me give you in return a shiney pearl necklace.
I wonder when Cowboy Neal's gay ass filter will kick in to stop me from posting. God I hate being oppressed by that fat fuck.
Now the Rush Limbaugh show. There's a real show for real men. Not like that faggot hippie fairy crap Roddenberry put out.
I also remember the time I let her play my rusty trombone. Thats where she licked my dingleberry-encrusted asshole while she gave me a handjob. Your mom sure made me cum like a wildcat! Oh, she said to call me Daddy, too, so start doing it bitch.