The internet, today: Debian.com announces new contactless debian operating system - "untouchable". promises unbreakable security.
Debian.com executives stunned the business community today with the announcement of a new operating system in the debian franchise "untouchable", which they contend, ushers in a new age of contactless technology and "unhaX0rable" enterprise security technology for the enterprise. debian CEO Raymond Stallman issued forth this challenge (meaningless freedom diatribe deleted; words rearranged to form actual english sentences - ed.): "[...] if you can haX0r this [...] system, we [...], debian.com, will give you 100,000 free copies of our next [...] debian release [...] due in 2008".
"untouchable" features specially developed "haX0r freedom" technology, designed specifically to ensure freedom from haX0rs. "haX0r freedom" technology comprises debian's patent-pending "cord-free" technology, which allows debian computers to run without cords, and debian's new "network-free" enterprise security technology, which allows debian computers to run without a network. "Correctly installed, debian computers with haX0r-freedom enabled enterprise security technology are invulnerable from haX0rs and other commie government spies" says debian CTO Raymond Stallman. "the extra freedom built into the core of Untouchable leaves enterprise users freer to enjoy other things in the rich debian untouchable experience, like manually installing soundcards". "we think they'll like it" jokes Stallman, freeing a few extra lice from his freely-kempt beard.
Other debian executives could not be contacted by email for comment.
Damn, I just re-read your post and realised I'm feeding a troll... Oh well: tough.
Yeah, you'd sorta figure the name 'Debian Troll' would give it away, huh?
Huzzah for Sony! If you scroll right down to the bottom of their press release page, there is a small paragraph about the inclusion of apt-get for PSX being included in this new PlayStation machine. Basically this will allow you to easily install the latest GNU-games on your PSX. I have it on good authority that at least 3 titles are being prepared for distribution in the apt-get PSX format.
Bruce Peren's Splinter Cell
Cast out by his former employers, long-time Debian zealot Bruce Perens must adopt covert tactics and GNU/skill to get back into HP headquarters and retrieve his beloved Debian coffee mug. Untold dangers await the player as they stealthily guide rogue agent Perens back through the corridors of his seedy past. Special end of level Carly Fiorina shoot-out scenes!
Resident Evil 3: Will the Last Debian User Turn Out the Lights?
A suspense zombie thriller. The player creeps around a deserted town, awaiting the foretold coming of the next stable release of Debian. Years of empty lonely gameplay awaits!!
Medal of Honor: Installation Assault
World War II themed shooter, based around the hard-fought text installation of Woody and 'automated' hardware detection routines. Play as either the Allies or Nazis, as you try and install Debian on a Panzer IV tank, a Mustang fighter, or the gas chamber control panel at Auschwitz!
Gentoo on the firewall? What a great idea
As the CIO for a Fortune 500 company, you can take it from me that our recorded break-in attempts went down 97% over a 3-month period after we upgraded our firewall from Debian to Gentoo. Hackers (or hax0rs, as we experts call them in the IT industry) were basically after updated.deb packages, since new ones were so few and far between on the Debian site.
Admittedly, some of the Gentoo configuration tools aren't all that user-friendly, but my staff are currently working on installing Linuxconf daemons, webmin, and the tftp server on the firewall so we can enjoy point and click administration from anywhere on the net. You jusy can't equal that with Debian.
I got tired of apt-get blowing up my unstable Debian, so I wrote this to make it transactional:
Your code looks very interesting, and would make a fine addition to the new Windows version of apt-get which I have almost finished writing. It is crafted in MMX/SSE accelerated x86 assembler, so it runs really fast! You will, however, need to port your nice Java program to assembler. I am also looking for people to help out with the GUI front-end to win-apt-get, which is based around a helpful paper clip character called 'Klecker'. When the user requires an update, they 'Klick' on 'Klecker', and he helpfully tells the user to "Fuck off and read the manual you filthy Windoze luser", or to "Take a fucking number and wait for win-apt-get stable to be released in 2017".
I propose a multi-level system of releases, arranged something like this:
Unstable
This version will support the latest and greatest features, but will not have undergone rigorous testing by the community. Basically it's an untested pile of crap only fit for 36-year olds who live in their parent's basement and have never had sex.
Testing
No-one really knows that this does, but it's good to have something labelled 'testing'. It makes it look like the developers are actually doing something instead of spending all day reconfiguring their apt.sources file and trying to recover their 'mission critial' 486s and Pentium MMX 'supercomputers' from broken packages in unstable.
Stable
This is rock solid, but also like a rock, it just sort of sits there and grows moss on it. You could use it to prop open a door, or to hurl through the window of one of those newspaper vending machines and steal yourself a copy of USA Today. Either way you'll probably be fired for using it on the company firewall when you should have used Gentoo instead
I am currently porting apt-get to Windows. This will mean that these types of embarassing security breaches never happen again. apt-get is the answer to all of today's problems.
Testing is far behind because of the way Debian is set up.
Correct. All the Debian developers are talent-free filthy stinking cocksucking GNU-hippies. There is precious little time between apt-getting fucked in the ass by your Debian-using buddies to actually maintain and test packages.
Thankyou
i haven't had time yet to read this story though i feel i must comment.
debian already has an anti-theft BIOS. It was hacked in by the legendary joel "espy" klecker shortly before his untimely death waiting for "woody" to become stable. he was forced to run his kidney dialysis machine on the notoriously unstable "potato" "release", which as anyone running this dreadful abortion of an operating system knows, is riddled with bugs in critical system services, like SVCHOST.EXE for example.
Debian 3.0 delayed again: developers blame difficulties of locating 800 year old 32 bit hardware to complete kernel 2.4 testing on. Claim current quantum computers 'not stable enough'.
spare a moment to think of joel "espy" klecker.
Sprint announced that it has 'begun transforming its telephone network so voice calls are transmitted in packets
This is a very interesting idea indeed. There are many skills and lessons which have been learned in the computer-related packet networking field which will be able to be translated to achieve enterprise-level synergies and produce a best-of-breed telecommunications system. I would like to point out, however, that a packet switched telephone network will not be able to be upgraded using apt-get. This is a serious problem. If we use Debian systems to run the network, just imagine how easy it would be to upgrade to video phones when they become available?!?! Simple...just apt-get install videophones. You couldn't do that with an RPM based telephone network.
Slashdot Mirror
The internet, today:
Debian.com announces new contactless debian operating system - "untouchable". promises unbreakable security.
Debian.com executives stunned the business community today with the announcement of a new operating system in the debian franchise "untouchable", which they contend, ushers in a new age of contactless technology and "unhaX0rable" enterprise security technology for the enterprise. debian CEO Raymond Stallman issued forth this challenge (meaningless freedom diatribe deleted; words rearranged to form actual english sentences - ed.): "[...] if you can haX0r this [...] system, we [...], debian.com, will give you 100,000 free copies of our next [...] debian release [...] due in 2008".
"untouchable" features specially developed "haX0r freedom" technology, designed specifically to ensure freedom from haX0rs. "haX0r freedom" technology comprises debian's patent-pending "cord-free" technology, which allows debian computers to run without cords, and debian's new "network-free" enterprise security technology, which allows debian computers to run without a network. "Correctly installed, debian computers with haX0r-freedom enabled enterprise security technology are invulnerable from haX0rs and other commie government spies" says debian CTO Raymond Stallman. "the extra freedom built into the core of Untouchable leaves enterprise users freer to enjoy other things in the rich debian untouchable experience, like manually installing soundcards". "we think they'll like it" jokes Stallman, freeing a few extra lice from his freely-kempt beard.
Other debian executives could not be contacted by email for comment.
did it cover in the book that you're a cock?
thank you.
Damn, I just re-read your post and realised I'm feeding a troll... Oh well: tough. Yeah, you'd sorta figure the name 'Debian Troll' would give it away, huh?
Truly inspired. Please send your mailing details and a copy of Debian for TRS-80 is on its way to you.
Bruce Peren's Splinter Cell
Cast out by his former employers, long-time Debian zealot Bruce Perens must adopt covert tactics and GNU/skill to get back into HP headquarters and retrieve his beloved Debian coffee mug. Untold dangers await the player as they stealthily guide rogue agent Perens back through the corridors of his seedy past. Special end of level Carly Fiorina shoot-out scenes!
Resident Evil 3: Will the Last Debian User Turn Out the Lights?
A suspense zombie thriller. The player creeps around a deserted town, awaiting the foretold coming of the next stable release of Debian. Years of empty lonely gameplay awaits!!
Medal of Honor: Installation Assault
World War II themed shooter, based around the hard-fought text installation of Woody and 'automated' hardware detection routines. Play as either the Allies or Nazis, as you try and install Debian on a Panzer IV tank, a Mustang fighter, or the gas chamber control panel at Auschwitz!
Admittedly, some of the Gentoo configuration tools aren't all that user-friendly, but my staff are currently working on installing Linuxconf daemons, webmin, and the tftp server on the firewall so we can enjoy point and click administration from anywhere on the net. You jusy can't equal that with Debian.
Your code looks very interesting, and would make a fine addition to the new Windows version of apt-get which I have almost finished writing. It is crafted in MMX/SSE accelerated x86 assembler, so it runs really fast! You will, however, need to port your nice Java program to assembler. I am also looking for people to help out with the GUI front-end to win-apt-get, which is based around a helpful paper clip character called 'Klecker'. When the user requires an update, they 'Klick' on 'Klecker', and he helpfully tells the user to "Fuck off and read the manual you filthy Windoze luser", or to "Take a fucking number and wait for win-apt-get stable to be released in 2017".
I propose a multi-level system of releases, arranged something like this:
Unstable This version will support the latest and greatest features, but will not have undergone rigorous testing by the community. Basically it's an untested pile of crap only fit for 36-year olds who live in their parent's basement and have never had sex.
Testing No-one really knows that this does, but it's good to have something labelled 'testing'. It makes it look like the developers are actually doing something instead of spending all day reconfiguring their apt.sources file and trying to recover their 'mission critial' 486s and Pentium MMX 'supercomputers' from broken packages in unstable.
Stable This is rock solid, but also like a rock, it just sort of sits there and grows moss on it. You could use it to prop open a door, or to hurl through the window of one of those newspaper vending machines and steal yourself a copy of USA Today. Either way you'll probably be fired for using it on the company firewall when you should have used Gentoo instead
I am currently porting apt-get to Windows. This will mean that these types of embarassing security breaches never happen again. apt-get is the answer to all of today's problems.
Testing is far behind because of the way Debian is set up. Correct. All the Debian developers are talent-free filthy stinking cocksucking GNU-hippies. There is precious little time between apt-getting fucked in the ass by your Debian-using buddies to actually maintain and test packages. Thankyou
yawn...
according to this story, this simulation was done on a debian cluster running the hurd.
check out the date, it was published months ago.
i haven't had time yet to read this story though i feel i must comment.
debian already has an anti-theft BIOS. It was hacked in by the legendary joel "espy" klecker shortly before his untimely death waiting for "woody" to become stable. he was forced to run his kidney dialysis machine on the notoriously unstable "potato" "release", which as anyone running this dreadful abortion of an operating system knows, is riddled with bugs in critical system services, like SVCHOST.EXE for example.
try debian today!
Debian 3.0 delayed again: developers blame difficulties of locating 800 year old 32 bit hardware to complete kernel 2.4 testing on. Claim current quantum computers 'not stable enough'. spare a moment to think of joel "espy" klecker.
This is a very interesting idea indeed. There are many skills and lessons which have been learned in the computer-related packet networking field which will be able to be translated to achieve enterprise-level synergies and produce a best-of-breed telecommunications system. I would like to point out, however, that a packet switched telephone network will not be able to be upgraded using apt-get. This is a serious problem. If we use Debian systems to run the network, just imagine how easy it would be to upgrade to video phones when they become available?!?! Simple...just apt-get install videophones. You couldn't do that with an RPM based telephone network.