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Satire Wire's New Spam Poets Crowned
Yorrike writes: "With over 600 entries, the winners of Satire Wire's Second Annual Poetry Competition have been announced. I guess my adaptation of Rime of the Ancient Mariner didn't make the cut ;)" Nothing like some howling laughter to cut through one's baleful bellows of pure spam-related rage.
Stupid spam wasn't bad enough, now I realize my mailbox is full of poetry.
ew.
grossness.
It looks like a little recognition and being crowned was it, but I figure maybe someone read something I didn't.
-- Dan
Who is it that decides on the winners of this contest? Personaly I dont think either the winner or runner up were really worthy of winning by comparison to some other entries. The winner looks like they simply took one SPAM e-mail and ocasionaly replaced a noun with the word "penis". The runner up just repeated the same phrase over and over again with one irregularity near the middle. I think neither of these took much creativity and that the win could have gone to a more worthy poem.
Coleridge or Maiden?
Up the irons!
--- Do you believe in the day?
or maybe you should lay off the nitrous oxide.
I liked MrChris's "Last Post" of a "First Post".
I honestly would of loved to have entered this contsest, but I haven't received much spam since I dropped AOL 3 years ago. It surprises a little since I do alot of shopping online and I am active in several discussion groups. I'm just lucky I guess.
except entries must be cutups of Anonymous Coward postings instead.
to: klfrancis@crapco.com
Don't you just hate all that "spam" in your mailbox? Well now there's this great contest where you can write poems satirizing junk e-mail!
from: klfrancis@crapco.com
to: mpsherwwod@crapco.com
Ha! I have one: "Roses are red/Violets are blue/I hate spam/And so do you!
from: mpsherwood@crapco.com
to: klfrancis@crapco.com
LOL! Good one! here's mine: Doubt that the stars are fire/Doubt that the Earth doth move/Doubt truth to be a liar/But never doubt that you can Make Money Now!!!
from: klfrancis@crapco.com
to: mpsherwood@crapco.com
ROTFL! That was great! Here's one I just thought up: How do I hate spam? Let me count the ways/I hate spam to the death and breadth and sight/my eyes can see by monitor's white light/For the ends of 'boxes free from junk/"enlarge your cock" and other bunk
from: mpsherwood@crapco.com
to: klfrancis@crapco.com
LMAO! Oh, that was priceless! I just came up with another one: Rather than words/comes the sight of junk e-mail/The porn-comprehending URLs/And beyond them, the internet/That holds nothing/And is nowhere/And is endless.
from: klfrancis@crapco.com
to: mpsherwood@crapco.com
ROTFLMAO!!! That was the best one! Oh man, my sides ache. So, do you have the assault rifles ready for Thursday?
from: mpsherwood@crapco.com
to: klfrancis@crapco.com
You bet. Downsize us!?! I don't think so, fuckers.
The 23rd Spam
The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures,
He leadeth me beside the still waters,
He restoreth my credit and consolidateth my debts,
For as little as $1,750,
If I act now.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me,
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
And can now be 50 Percent Larger in Three Weeks.
Guaranteed.
Thou preparest a table before me
In the presence of mine enemies,
Thou annointest my head with oil,
My cup runneth over.
But as an added bonus,
I will receive $1,000.00 cash,
If I complete thy online registration form today.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me,
All the days of my life,
And I will dwell forever,
In the House of the Lord,
Which I shall refinanceth,
To take advantage,
Of the lowest mortgage rates in years.
El Karma: excelente(principalmente la suma de moderación hecha a los comentarios de los usuarios)
Beavis: "huh huh hu huh they said penis huh hu hu uhhhh..."
Butthead: "shut up Beavis"
RIME OF THE ANCIENT SPAMMER
by Yorrike
It is an ancient spammer
And he spamith one in three
By thy lies and undisclosed recipiants
Now wherefore spam'st thou me ?
The open relays are opened wide, /dev/null.
And payest I the toll;
The conditions are met, the filter set,
May'st ye >
He sends to me html e-mail,
'Briteny Naked!' quoth he.
'Hold off! Unsubcribe me, spamming loon!'
Eftsoons more he sends me.
He sends to all, his wiley claims
In bulk, CPUs stand still
And grindith away like a 386
The spammer hath his will
The spammed net user sat in his chair
He cannot choose but ignore;
And thus rants on the ancient spam
That cursed old spammer
'The mail was wrote, the bandwidth chocked,
Merrily did we send
Open relay dost fit the bill,
one million, e-mail then end.
The spam dost went over the web
Through smtp went he!
And sat in all those pop3 queues
Waiting to be seen.
Higher and higher the spam count rose
Till overflowed inboxes--'
The spammed net user here pressed delete,
To rid those error boxes.
The hard disk drive was running hot
Though by a fan was cool;
Shaking his head the user speakith
'Damn this spammed mail spool!'
The spammed user hath pressed delete
Yet the inbox still was full
And thus ranted on and on the spam
That cursed old spammer
'Click here to get your new credit card :
With up to $1,000 limit
Hot teen babes are waiting for you'
But the user right clickith and bin it.
With constant sound, right cliking now
Annoyed the user with down sloped brow
Spam hath become his one true foe
Towards the keybord he wackith his head
The beeps came fast, loud roared the blast
Away from the PC he fled.
But still in the spam came high and fast
And tales of fortune it told
And bollocks knee-high, came flooding in
All in caps and bold.
And through the traps, the header caps
Did sendmail leave uncleaned
Nor shapes of mail sent by his friends
The spam was all between
The spam was here, the spam was there,
The spam was all around
The hard drive growled, and roared and howled,
Like Quake2 deathmatch sounds!
At length the spammed net user return
The battle was not lost
Selected he spam, up and down
Into the trash then tossed
He cleared the trash he ne'er had cleared /dev/null !
And did cycle the CPU
The spam did split with thunder-fit;
All moved to
The user smiled, if for a while
his inbox cleared to ground
But to his now utter distaste
The message bell did sound
Yell he loud at his filter shroud
He nay had slayne his foe
With might and fury, kick his box
and stubbith his big toe
'Death to thee, cursed spammer !
This toe bound pain shall pass!--
And then shall I find where you live;
And come to kick your arse.'
Looks can be deceiving. Or CAN they?
My war on spam begins with all Spammers, but it does not end there. It will not end until every spamming group of global reach has been found, stopped and defeated.
These spamists spam not merely to waste bandwidth, but to disrupt and end a way of life. With every piece of unsolicited mail, they hope that genuine e-mailers grow fearful, retreating from cyber space and forsaking news groups. They stand against me, because I stand in their way.
I am not deceived by their pretenses to piety. I have seen their kind before. They are the heirs of all the spamist ideologies of the 20th century. By sacrificing bandwidth to serve their advertising visions -- by abandoning every value except the will to power -- they follow in the path of fascism, and Nazism, and totalitarianism. And they will follow that path all the way, to where it ends: in history's unmarked grave of discarded trash cans.
My response involves far more than instant retaliation and isolated replies.
I should not expect one battle, but a lengthy campaign, unlike any other we have ever seen. It may include dramatic e-mails to ISP's, visible to News groups, and covert operations, secret even in success. I will starve spamists of funding, turn them one against another, drive them from ISP to ISP, until there is no refuge or no rest. And I will pursue ISP's that provide aid or safe haven to spammers. Every ISP, in every region, now has a decision to make. Either you are with me, or you are with the spamists.
From this day forward, any ISP that continues to harbor or support spamists will be regarded by me as a hostile regime.
Remove this email address from everywhere you have it in any form that it may be in. I do not want to receive email from you, people who work with/for/around you, people you know even vaguely or even have heard of, people you communicate in any form to, people who look like you.
From now on, I want to never know you, or any product/service/person/etc that you know of.
Given that you're a spammer who thinks they aren't a spammer, you may have found the above too vague. Ergo: please piss off.
All speling, factual, tact, and/or grametical errers be the result of netwerk interpherance or# transmition ererrs.
I must respectfully disagree. The winner was able to show the chaotic beauty apparent in SPAM by applying a slightly altered take on Yo Momma. Why not try replacing "your penis" with "your mom"? It's just as funny due to the absurdities of SPAM. That's why it's all spam anyway, right? It's crazy, it's funky, it includes chinese nozzles; and it's all the same. Spam is cookie-cutter marketing, and the winner seemed the only person I saw that proved this subtle nuance. A blank sheet of paper can be art, and it is no less deserving of praise than when someone throws paint on a canvas. It doesn't beat a Picasso, but then again, there weren't too many Frosts in the contest either... - DaftShadow
And those were the winners? Cripes, there must have been some amazingly shitty ones, then. I guess since the site is called "SatireWire", I wrongly expected it to be funny, or at least mildly amusing...
if those were the winners, i'd hate to see the losers. one long "penis" joke, which wasn't even funny. that might be funny for anyone who hasn't seen the word penis in print before, maybe 4th graders. actually this poem might help ease them into saying the word aloud in class. but for anyone with a modicum of taste and social skill (not saying you'd find that here), this tripe belongs in the no brow drawer.
...the Bulwer-Lutton Fiction Contest, which consists of reader-submitted snippets of godawful prose.
to e-mail, remove '.dot.' from the address
Comment removed based on user account deletion
As if we haven't seen this before.
Awwwww.... With the amount of junk in my mailbox I could have written an epic that rivalled Beowulf!
...oOOo..'(_)'..oOOo...
I actually like some of these and think they would make good songs. It'd be one strange song by one strange band, but poems like this is not spam have a kind of 'somber fluidity', if that makes any sense. It didn't make me laugh, but it was good.
Way to go dude!
9 20 9&mode=thread
Another duplicate!
http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=01/12/02/135
I hope you don't get paid for this!
What's next - magnetic spam for your refrigerator?
This is an evil plot from the spamlords to get us to actualy read the spam we get, instead of trashing it.
but it would have required me to actually read some spam......
"Do you think we could wipe out world hunger forever if scientists figured out how to make AOL's Free CD's edible?"-
Shall I compare thee to bits of stone?
/dev/null contain all your tries
You serve less purpose, and cause much more trouble
The stone doth stay when roughest winds are gone
But when IPs are traced, you're already on the double
Sometimes too slow the mail servers are
And often is their total bandwith dimm'd
By thine empty headers who bring far
Less money than to you it must have seemed
But thy eternal spam-fest will not pass
Nor will you lose those d4rk-IPz j00 0wn
Nor shall
To make some money, since your work's really worth none
So long as l4m3rs live and traffic's free
So long lives spam, and spam gives life to thee
One more in the didn't-get-anywhere-here's-my-entry-anyway camp...
"Spam"
See your inbox fill with spam
Endless spam
Counterfeited headers, and the path a hollow sham
See it flowing, flowing, flowing
From the corners of the net
And the frantic to-and-froing
Of abuse reports, though knowing
That they seldom pose a threat
Hear the ping! ping! ping!
Of your notifier sing
That another hundred emails have just broken through the dam
Full of spam, spam, spam, spam,
Spam, spam, spam
Full of maddening, infuriating spam
See the garbled string of spam
Foreign spam
In from every nation from the Congo to Siam
Promise unfamiliar joys
In a stream of random noise
That is spilt in wild array
Across your screen
At least one or two a day
And you haven't any idea what they say
Or they mean
Ah, the world is small indeed
What a joy to open up your inbox and to read
Fw:]s®QDVDKOeAI
Fw:¥ôÈDVDKOeAI [note the clever triple rhyme - ed.]
Dripping wonder by the gram
In extended ASCII jam
In the jumble and the tumble
Of the spam, spam, spam
Of the spam, spam, spam, spam
Spam, spam, spam
In the [sigma] and enigma of the spam [couldn't find a sigma character]
See the newest form of spam
Granny spam
From the friends who haven't figured out you couldn't give a damn
All the forwards that you cursed
On the day you got them first
Shall be emailed, thick and fast
Till October -- at last --
Comes around
All the tired urban legends in a hundred different guises
All the 1980s asciiart of various shapes and sizes
Still it rises, rises, rises
In a tide that soon comprises
All the lame, devoid of wit, in-
comprehensibly written
Inane garbage that can be found
Ah, the spam, spam, spam
Who'd have thought that man could cram
Without fail
Ten attachments - none worth noting -
And eleven-level quoting
In the body of an unsuspecting mail
And the viruses that came
From the friend who
Said he'd send you
An "amusing little game"
And the HTMLgram
With its glaring
Markup blaring
Out "I , therefore I am"
And the plain mail, and the chainmail -- and they're all a form of spam
Yes, they're spam
Truly spam, spam, spam, spam
Spam, spam, spam
Firmly, definition-broadeningly, spam
See the avalanche of spam
Usenet spam
Flooding through a thousand newsgroups like the water o'er a dam
All the stupid little jerks
Who insist "This really works!!!!!"
With their schemes arranged in pyramids and tiers
Who claim "Make Money Fast"
Has been legal for the lastSeveral years
Or the singularly loathed
Twerps who promise an unclothed
Britney Spears
And the sifting, sifting, sifting
Through the postings on the net
Of the harvesters who, lifting
The addresses that they get
From a hundred different places
Have a stream of databases
In a queue
And the cycle starts anew
As they spew, spew, spew, spew
Another spate of spam
For the latest hidden cam
Or some complicated scam
Like a virtual traffic jam
Still they post, post, post
While each overburdened host
Groans beneath the load of spam
Endless spam
Still they post, post, post
Till your QoS is toast
And the streaming of the spam
Of the spam, spam, spam
Has you dreaming of the spam
That they post, post, post
And you damn, damn, damn
The amounts they must have grossed
From their spam, spam, spam
From their neverending spam
From their spam, spam, spam, spam
Spam, spam, spam
From the bottomless infinitude of spam
-- Martin DeMello, Copyright 2001
(With apologies to Edgar Allan Poe )
Have you ever wanted to become a Spam poet?
Having trouble finding exactly the line you need?
Your search is over!
You too can be an award winning spam poet!
All for the low low price of $25 we will include a single line of your choice in GENUINE spam!
Guaranteed distribution of over 10 MILLION E-mail addresses!
As a free service we will add YOUR E-mail address to our lists, and you'll receive your very own copy of spam containing your selected line!
Ask about our bulk discounts for 3 or more lines!
-
- - You can't take something off the Internet! That's like trying to take pee out of a swimming pool.
http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/4/23573.html
woof.
"You fucking putz!!" -- yelled by a New York cabbie... from Pakistan!
Here's my entry...
"Your privacy is extremely important to us"
Do you SUFFER from RESPIRATORY Disease?
Book your favorite offer, and the fun can begin!
Click the link below,
For 5 hours per day,
And receive a complimentary double room.
Have a great weekend and as always,
Your privacy is extremely important to us.
Using the Digital Cortex system,
You will never be contacted by the IRS!
Click here NOW;
A credit report can help you
To save money on ink!
In case you didn't know,
Your privacy is extremely important to us.
I send you this file in order to have your advice;
The event you've been waiting for is here!
Using the currency of your choice,
All from the convenience of your PC,
You may qualify for a FREE National Healthcare Program!
And with our easy $20 minimum deposit - $1 minimum bet system,
Your privacy is extremely important to us.
We are committed to delivering a highly rewarding experience,
However, if you wish to unsubscribe,
Here's what we have to offer:
Good Luck!
You can't.
It's as simple as that!
Your privacy is extremely important to us.
Want Linux games? HERE.
Two spam recieved in a foul mood, And sorry I could not delete both And be one reader, long I sat And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was annoying and wanted money; Though as for that the passing here Had worn their welcome about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on back to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two spam recieved in a foul mood, and I- I left the basement to shoot a spammer And that has made all the difference.
"Sanity is not statistical", George Orwell, "1984"
This in quite a piece of poetry. The guy has talent :))
"I Answered All My Spam"
by Alex Silbajoris, Columbus, Ohio
I never know what I might find,
on any day I go online.
I used to get in quite a huff,
while wading through unwanted stuff.
But then I changed the man I am,
the day I answered all my spam.
Now every time I check my box,
I load up on fantastic stocks.
I'll gladly say I felt no loss,
when, with a smile, I fired my boss.
With just one click, the best thing yet,
I freed myself of all my debt.
I have, paying a few small fees,
ten university degrees.
Now that I'm losing all this weight,
I'm sure, someday, I'll get a date.
Instead of going to a show,
I spy on everyone I know.
(That's easy, since I have in hand,
this nifty wireless video cam.)
I spend my evenings viewing screens,
of barely legal horny teens.
And with a little credit charge,
Whoopee! My penis was enlarged!
Meanwhile these shots of Britney Spears
should be enough to last for years.
And so I lead this online life,
my monitor is now my wife.
It has become my greatest dream,
to launch my own get-rich-quick scheme.
And if you think you might get missed,
relax, you're on my e-mail list.
be creative, man
As spam described it and poetry is life. Poetry is spam! Maybe it's not "truth is beauty and beauty truth," but "life is spam and spam is life."
I thought it was a brilliant referance to Monty Python's spam skit. Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam baked beans Spam Spam and Spam were the dinner options IIRC.
Hey!!! the parentheses are good for something
Oh, that email thing. I thought it was real SPAM poetry.
Never approach a vast undertaking with a half-vast plan.
I'll post my losing entries here like some other people have done. Maybe someone will enjoy them.
-----
Confirmed
As our national and local media remind us every day
As people all around the world turn to God
As the Economy in India is tested
As we all know
Anthrax was confirmed
As the World struggles with the realities of loss and fear
As the economy and world markets recover
As companies continue to downsize
As an added bonus
Anthrax was confirmed
Now you can PROFIT from it!
Now by Phone or Mail
Just Look at Today's Rates!
Just Fill Out Our Simple Form
and quadruple the earnings generated
fear associated with terrorist attacks
guarantees effortless profits
take advantage of all this
Don't wait any longer!
You could be on your way!
if this is for you
If you decide to "stick it out"
if you are teachable
You will learn guaranteed methods
They Want BANNED In all 50 STATES
All you need to do now is take action
All Men Should Read This
All our dreams can come true
All we ask of you is to
include your Confirmation Number
-----
(This poem was created with 100% recycled spam.)
-----
And here's the second one.
-----
Six Pack o' Spamericks
abundantly growing Rose Bay
and Dragon Wing Remedy Spray
to stop hair loss and
Helps you understand
and find money day after day
THE ORIENT HERBAL BAR SOAP
$2.00 for each envelope
why we always say
2 pills every day
with you, so you don't give up hope
restoring the fullness of love
commodity-quality of
the Willow-herb tea
get all that for FREE
on USA orders above
stop throwing your money away
such high-risk securities may
reduce the amount
from this e-mail account
A Free Loan Quotation Today!
Thank you for your recent request
I knew that I couldn't invest
The court has decided
all quotes are provided
the white sandy beach of Key West
I get emails like this all the time
my father-in-law, in his prime,
got a great Web Page... but
It's INCREDIBLE what
is a multi-part message in MIME
-----
(This poem was created with 100% recycled spam.
Yeah, like you wanted THAT image stuck in your head...)
...Loveline. Only the early listeners of that show would really appreciate that winner "penis" poem.
Zodiac Survey
Everything can improve our lives. ,because of the common good, do not seem to think about the common good for types of speech they don't like.
Our fore-fathers here in the US, knew that a song, an invention, a book as potiantial to inspire others to do great things, Or at least inspire others to do things.
I find it interesting that people who scream about the benifits of shorter copyright times
If the common good can benefit from print media, why not spam?
Unless you feel poetry should be outlawed.
NOTICE the post neither endorses or condems SPAM, all reply in that nature will be ignored, so don't bother.
The Kruger Dunning explains most post on
The spammer is a poet and he don't realize it!
If tits were wings it'd be flying around.
Want a larger penis?
Want more staying power?
Buy Viagra
13 year old white supremacists are shitty web designers.
Spam is no good.
Don't do it.
It causes bad karma and cancer (and perhaps some other diseases).
Yes, this is true.
No, it's not a joke.
Oh, and spammers rot in hell.
Neither Novell® nor MyRealBox.com will tolerate the dispersal of unsolicited E-mail transmissions (spam). Sending spam E-mail from a MyRealBox address or using a MyRealBox address as a return address or an opt-out address for spam is in violation of the terms and conditions by which we operate, and users found in violation of the policy will have their account terminated. Additionally we will pursue legal actions against any person violating our terms and conditions.
Does the first half qualify as poetry to anyone besides me?