He Writes Back

Paul writes: "This guy actually replies to the spam he gets. Read some of the replies and you'll love this guy's wit. I love the one about the peroxide myself. The favorites, top 20, and "My Buddy Kutty" sections are good places to start."

Comments

i replied to spam once

[opermonkey]

and all i get is more spam.

Re:i replied to spam once

[Lobsang]

Chances are you'll get more spam not because you replied to spam (since most spammers have either invalid addresses or full mailboxes), but because of the natural (and ever-increasing) exposure of our email addresses.

Sad...

Regards

yet another

[redink1]

Wow, that went down fast. Here is one of them that I managed to glimpse at:

Dear Madam/Sir Hydrogen Peroxide AS (HPAS) is leading producer of all concentrations of Hydrogen Peroxide at its state of art production facilities in Turkey. Our production capacity is 20 000 Tons per year on a 100% concentration basis. If you can inform us of your requirements such as packing, quantity and any other commercial preferences we would like to offer you our competitive prices with the higest quality hydrogen peroxide. If you would like to get further information about our company and products please visit our web site at: www.hydrogenperoxide-tr.com Please do not hesitate to contact me through my mail : hgulec@comnet.com.tr Ask HPAS hydrogen peroxide from your chemical importes/supplier Sincerely yours. H. GULEC

You, my friend, have made a very wise decision in contacting me, but I assume you must already know that given who I am. Just in case you merely got lucky: The name's Jonathan Land, and I made headlines in newspapers all over the US as the world's largest importer of Hydrogen Peroxide back in the 80's. I manufactured "Imitation Swede" girls at my club The Swede Den. Back then people with a Swede tooth just loved the velvety-soft feel of Swede. Do you remember the Swedish Bikini Team from the Budweiser ads? Well, they were the Harlem Boys Choir before I got to them. That's an extreme example, but it was a challenge, and I'm proud we were able to pull it off. Our only other African-American male to Swedish female transformation was a member of the Jackson 5. He only went partially through the process and then had a change of heart. I dare not reveal his name because I don't want to take responsibility for the incomplete work. Anyhoo, we pumped pure Hydrogen Peroxide through the mandatory thrice-daily showers and we used Sharpie markers to make the future Swedes' eyes blue. It was so cute when they stumbled around. Unfortunately the business eventually failed because of the mental capacity of the girls who wanted to become Imitation Swedes in the first place. Most of the girls' idea of a Swedish accent is going "ya, ya, oh yaaaah" over and over. They forgot to capture the forlorn depression and emotional wear from binge drinking in "the dark months". Even though they were never advertised as anything more than "Swedishish", people were still let down by the lack of authenticity. The irony is that these girls came to California because they think they can be actresses. Fast forward to today: I'm now on a Mission. I founded the Church of Our Mistress of the Perpetual Blonde in Hollywood last year to make girls' dreams come true, or at the very least start them on a downward spiral that will thoroughly shatter their dreams once and for all. We take runaways and young actresses that can't find representation and give them everything they need to "make it" as a star. By "star" I mean Cinemax B-movie queen or stripper. We have a working partnership with Back Alley Bargain Breast Implants. The turnout of girls who lash out at their parents and/or can't get work has been phenomenal lately, and I and my staff can't turn them out as starlets fast enough. Our blonding process (known as The Baptism) is essentially throwing a girl in a Hydrogen Peroxide-filled bathtub for three days with a snorkel and an i.v. but there's currently a Hydrogen Peroxide shortage in California, and we've already drained all of the local drug stores. We've had a complete drought for a month. Right now we have about 300 girls with inch-long dark roots shivering in a corner of the basement, hiding in fear that they'll be seen and exposed as frauds. I bought them a few cans of yellow spray paint to tide them over, but they keep breaking their nails while trying to braid the hair like that. So I can really use your service right about now. I'll need A LOT of the stuff. Approximately 500 gallons a month. I don't care how you send it to us. How much would that run me? Father Figure Jonathan Land Church of Our Mistress of the Perpetual Blonde

Google Cache

[bdigit]

Google Cache

Here's another - "How do you capture ..."

[Bowfinger]

I thought this one was pretty good:

We have spent many painstaking hours trying to capture the pride of the American spirit since the 9-11-01 tragedy that struck the WTC. While watching the news we noticed how the American Spirit unites in these times of pain and loss.

This is why we present to you the 9-11 Commemorative Mouse Pads and T-Shirts.

(Followed by pictures of mousepads and t-shirts with 9/11 theme ...)

I haven't seen t-shirts demonstrating this sort of artistry and tactical business savvy since the OJ Simpson trial!

Well, God Bless America, and it is the Land of Opportunity and all that jazz, but I have one small suggestion I'd like to make about your merchandise. A lot of people might be hesitant to purchase 9/11-oriented products if they don't at least say that a portion of the proceeds will go to charity.

If you're going to capitalize, you've got to do it right, and I can help you!

I just so happens that I established the "Heroic Tribute To Heroic American Heros Fund" before you could say "Look, the second tower fell!" On the paperwork I claim that it's for some brave act to be performed in honor of the fallen (whatever that means), but it's really intended to put the "F" "U" back in "fund"! There are enough legit organizations out there anyway, and there's way too much cash being donated than is needed for these folks who claim to be "affected" by this tragedy.

So if we can work out an arrangement where you throw in a portion of your proceeds to my fund (say 5%), It'll also make would-be customers think you're on the level, and not the cashing-in sort of hack your advertisement and website make you out to be. Your sales will skyrocket, making your investment in me worth it!

Trust me, this is a golden opportunity. Are you in or are you going to be selling these t-shirts for a buck a pop along with those "Y2K - The World Blew Up And All The Cockroaches Found Was This Lousy T-shirt!" t-shirts?

I'm looking forward to doing business with you,

Jonathan Land

Dear Spammer..

[ZaneMcAuley]

I send them back spam, i fill out every form I can find with their ISP and their(if i can get it) REAL address.

And a picture taken from the mail headers using the following tools...

eMailTrackerPro and VisualRoute

http://www.visualware.com/emailtrackerpro/index. ht ml

http://www.visualware.com/visualroute/index.html

I got one more (it's about bowling)

[EricKrout.com]

Please don't mod this as redundant when (if?) the guy's site comes back to life. Thanks.

Author's Note: Spam donated by Jeff Hobbs. Subject: Re: Are You a BOWLER? Check Out the HOTTEST NEW BOWLING BALL!
To: joebowler@skybiz.com, itstrikes@bigfoot.com
From: Jonathan Land
Date: 02/13/2002

How would you like to be the first in your bowling league to get your hands on the newest bowling ball from this innovative company? This new ball comes with a multi-density weight block with 800 grit sanded surface. This ball is so versatile, you can use it out of the box for heavy oil, or it can be shined to combat any condition. This ball has a very controlled break-point, which means higher scores and predictability.

Just some technical data for the serious bowler:

Radius of Gyration - Medium (2.530)
Differential - Medium (.050)
Hook Potential - 20 / 14 Dull/ Shiny on a scale of 1-20
Track Flare Potential - 6.5
Factory Finish Length - 6 on a scale of 1-10
Factory Finish Back-End - 8 on a scale of 1-10
Composition - Highly Reactive Urethane
Color - Lemon / Lime .......Very Attractive!
D-Scale - 76-78 Hardness

So if you would like some more information on this brand new product and want to be the envy of all your league bowlers, simply contact us at itstrikes@bigfoot.com and put "More Info Wanted" in the subject line and we will send along a website and some information about how to reserve yours today!

Hello,

I'd like to counter your proposition with another: How would YOU like to be the first in YOUR industry to get a piece of the newest innovative sport: Extreme Vertical Bowling.

We're looking for a manufacturer for league balls. These will have to be custom made to withstand several drops from approximately 10,000 ft in the air.

This is how it works in a nutshell: The bowlers will be outfitted with a ball and a parachute. For each frame, the bowlers are loaded onto a plane that climbs to 12,000 ft. Once the bowler jumps from the plane with ball in hand, they have 2,000 feet to release it, or they're "over the line". Then, and only then, are they allowed to pull the ripcord for their parachute. Repeat times 10.

They'll be aiming at 10 pins secured vertically over a 4x4 ft. target. The target itself will be made out of industrial strength Nerf, so the ball should be fine. However, dependant on how far off target our bowlers are (a.k.a. throwing a "craterball"), the ball could be landing on a variety of surfaces.

Can you please let me know if such a ball is feasible?

Jonathan Land
CEO, Extreme Vertical Bowling, LLC.

P.S. I know, what you're thinking... you're thinking: "Can't people get hurt like this?" I mean, really, any sporting event can go haywire... look at how many stray golf balls give folks concussions!

I got a few of the letters mirrored

[ghastard]

You can access some here

This has got to be the funniest one yet

[Anonymous Coward]

Damn good site. Thnx for the laughs.

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[bdoliver]

Actually the best trick is to keep them on the phone as long as possible. Ask them all about it, and keep asking for more information. Keep asking them to repeat the pitch over and over so you can fully understand it.

They are rated based on call volume. If you suck up hours of their time they don't get great reviews. I kept some poor lady on the phone for over 2 hours one time. She just kept saying "sir I have to make other calls, have you made up your mind?" Makes me laugh.

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[donutello]

You're only hurting the poor sob making minimum wage dialing all those numbers - you're not hurting the company paying them to do that - who you have your real gripe with.

I just say "put me on your don't call list" and hang up.

DId we miss this somehow?

[phiz187]

The author of this article, in his biography, is a member of negativland. Negativland is a music group that has been attacking copyright for some time now. Most notably releasing an album entiled "U2". If you're not familiar with them, it's : http://www.negativland.com/