He Writes Back

Paul writes: "This guy actually replies to the spam he gets. Read some of the replies and you'll love this guy's wit. I love the one about the peroxide myself. The favorites, top 20, and "My Buddy Kutty" sections are good places to start."

Comments

4 comments and it is already /.ed

[Enigma2175]

TooManyConnectionsTooManyConnections.

How many is too many, 5?

That was quick....

[shyster]

5 comments, and the sites already slashdotted. Here's the only one I could get to load up:

Dear Sirs, Thanks for your continuing interest in TROYRICH INVESTMENT CORPORATION.You/your firm contacted us a while back for funding. We are contacting you to see if you can use additional capital for your business. We have merged with new investors that are very motivated and aggressive in their funding practice. We will be working with them to perform a full thorough evaluation for potential investment into lucrative projects. If you are still interested in us providing funding for you or your company, please forward an UP-DATED VERSION of your Executive Summary/ Proposal to us for a review. Regards, TroyRich Investment Does your business need a creative approach to financing? Do you need capital to "get rolling"?We solve your financial funding needs! I have an excellent opportunity for you to invest in. We're motivated and aggressive, and while we aren't a money-making venture, our service is extremely valuable to America. My name is Colonel Jonathan "Hannibal" Land, and I've assembled a team of mercenaries second to none. Here's a little background on each of the guys: Lieutenant Templeton 'Face' Peck: As you could guess by his nickname, "Face" is a very handsome man. He's also an extremely persuasive smooth talker. He can get his way with anything that can be remotely attracted to a man. If that doesn't work, we put him in a dress. I'm questioning my own feelings about gender and sexuality just talking about him. Anyway, while he's charming the pants off of someone, the rest of the team takes full advantage of catching said person with their pants down to carry out the mission in question. Face is our people person. If I haven't convinced you to invest in my team here, I hope you'd allow Face to take a meeting with you. Captain H.M. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: Everyone has their faults and 'Howling Mad' Murdock is no exception. This guy is literally crazy. So crazy, he's been institutionalized, yet he's an amazing pilot, mechanic and tinkerer of odd contraptions that are wonderful pseudo-weapons which inflict damage but don't hurt anyone. He was MacGuyver before MacGuyver. Now I bet you're thinking, "Crazy guy??? Pilot??? Shouldn't this guy be closely followed by missile-loaded F-16s wherever he goes???" Hell no! He's endearingly crazy, like a toned-down Robin Williams who can actually be likable in small doses. We're talking crazy-brilliant in A Beautiful Mind sort of way, not crazy-crazy like a kamikaze. Sergeant Bosco 'B.A.' Baracus: 'B.A.' Baracus is the most distinctive member of our team. Picture a huge, muscular black man with a mohawk, approximately fifty thousand dollars worth of cheap gold chains around his neck, and a facial expression of bitterness that only lemons coated in alimony payments can provide. He also has enough rings on his fingers to make a long-dead Liberace claw his way out of his grave out of pure jealousy. Now you're probably thinking, "Wait, I thought Murdock was the crazy one?" Like I said before, we all have our faults, and Baracus's is merely a terminal lack of taste. He's just flamboyant, and I mean that in the most heterosexual way, that's all. He's our weapons guy, driver and intimidator. He's also a man of great compassion. He pities every last fool out there. Me: I'm the cigar-chomping brains of the outfit. I keep the situation under control, I keep the team in check, and most of all, I love it when a plan comes together. You mention the words "get rolling" in your pitch, which evoked in me and the boys the "let's roll" battle-cry that's been generated by the unfortunate circumstances of September 11th. We might be a team of only four, but we're truly greater than the sum of our parts. We'd like you to finance a trip for us to Iraq so we can take out Saddam Hussein. I assure you we can do this. You'll have to respect our tactics though. This won't be a bloodbath. We'll do stuff like customize a vacuum cleaner to shoot out whole cabbages, and we'll just pelt him until he gives up and knows he's been defeated. We've done it before. I swear it works. We were going to offer our help in Afghanistan, but we wouldn't want to step on toes. Plus, we're all dishonorably discharged military men, and given the amount of military personnel there, laying low would be difficult, and the Osama Bin Laden version of the mission would probably be compromised. So what do you say? Invest in us, and the world will love you! Let's do it! Man, I love it when a plan comes together. Colonel Jonathan "Hannibal" Land

Re:That was quick....

[shyster]

Maybe that's the best way to fight spam - post the URL here and let the ./ effect overload their servers/pipe. Bandwidth costs money, so this approach might persuade them the cost of untargetted advertising is too high. Maybe we could even automate this?

Funny you should mention that as a reply to me. Here's a story I submitted recently:

2002-02-27 21:47:57 The SPAMdot Effect (articles,news) (rejected)

After a spam telling me how to increase traffic to my site, slashdot.org, I figured that the best way to show them what kind of traffic Slashdot already gets would be to slashdot them! Oh well, guess the editors didn't agree....

another one

[Account 10]

Subject: Re: New Pill makes your semen taste sweet-she'll swallow and love it
To: 0sandmn0@w150.aone.net.au, 01bb932d.0fe13750@startpuntwoning.nl
From: Jonathan Land
Date: 02/20/2002

Men, Do You Want to Increase the Amount of Oral Sex You Receive by 5 to 10 Times?

Now, Make Oral Sex a Treat . . . Instead of a Job!

SweetenZe is a new all herbal pill that can make your semen actually taste sweet.

No more salty or bitter taste. 98% of women say they would perform more oral sex and even swallow, if there partners semen tasted better.

Now with a single pill that makes you taste sweet, you can increase the amount of oral sex you receive by 10 times or more. Women all over the world are finally loving performing oral sex on there men.

There's nothing better than that intense feeling you get as your lover swallows every last drop. Try a bottle of SweetenZe if your not completely satisfied we'll refund 100% of your money. or Call 626-440-1747

This sounds like an interesting product, but it creates an intriguing dilemma for me.

I'm a highly disgruntled teenage employee of a Dunkin' Donuts in a location I probably shouldn't disclose. Even though it would appear that I have my whole life ahead of me, the present looks very bleak. I'm earning $5.50 an hour, working about 10 hours a week after school and on weekends selling donuts and coffee to a surly, unpleasant group of adults who should be laying off the high carbs. How these dangerously obese tight-asses gain such a thrill being nasty and mean while not allowing that to interfere with their passion for eating is beyond me. Long story short: I hate it here. Sure I could get another job, but with the hours I have to give being a high school student, it would just wind up being another fast food place because I'm not taking up elderly booty wiping duty.

Of course, if my parents just gave me a reasonable allowance, which they can afford to do, I wouldn't have to waste my time in this doughy hell with these horrible, doughy people. Unfortunately my folks don't want me to be spoiled and they're trying to show me the benefits of earning money. I can't say that I've learned that particular lesson. The only thing I have learned that there is no such thing as satisfaction for a job well done when your job itself is completely unsatisfying.

So I'm stuck here. That combined with the fact that I'm a 16-year-old virgin with a woody that just wont quit and demoralizing acne that might as well spell out: "kill me" tends to build up a little bile. For the last few months, I've been choosing to exorcise this bile with a hefty side-dish of semen, straight into the donut batter when no one's been looking.

Now, the donuts definitely taste funny according to a few customer complaints, so I'm undoubtedly going to be caught soon. If I could "sweeten the deal" with your product, that would totally rock, but I don't know if I'd get the same satisfaction out of doing it, even though I could probably get away with doing it for way longer. But what if they start liking the donuts more than they used to?

Sure they're still gobbling down my boys, but if there's no remote clue like the current twinge of funk, it just isn't the same for me. I need to be able to think, "yeah, take THAT, jerkoff!", and not be swarmed by a hungry mob, Night of the Living Dead-style, feasting for more of my sweatmeat, chanting "mmmm... jizznuts... jiiiiizzznuuuutsss". This totally might backfire, causing my particular Dunkin' Donuts to become wildly popular, and forcing me into being overworked on my shitty salary!

So before I buy this stuff from you, I would need to know exactly what effect the outcome (and oh, do I mean out-come) might be in the donut batter. Would the donuts taste better than donuts with standard-issue semen, and worse than an untainted donut, or would such a heavenly delicacy be created that I could probably consider "going legit" and opening a franchise of my own featuring my special secret ingredient?

Personally, I just can't wait to walk up to the sophomore I have an eye on and use the "Hey little girl, want to have some candy?" line when propositioning her.

Jon

Another one...

[Anonymous Coward]

Subject: Re: Do You Come Too Quickly in Bed?? To: PleasureSex@dnafrica.co.za, eraseus@yahoo.com From: Jonathan Land Date: 01/19/2001

Do You Come Too Quickly in Bed??

Get your S E X Life Roaring with IMPULSE http://www.cosmoseffect.com/impulse.html

I'm so glad you asked that, because I do, but -get this- it's only in my bed at home. I'm assuming you're some sort of doctor like the one pictured on your very professional-looking website, so maybe you can help me out here.

I've been married to the same woman now for 12 years, and after all this time and all that sex with the same woman over and over again , I still reach the point of orgasm in under 5 minutes. Hell, I've watched her give birth 3 times, and after you've seen that, well you're a doctor, you wouldn't know how that looks to a regular guy, but trust me, you live your life riddled with fear that there's something worse in there, like a bear trap or something, ready to de-peepee you at any moment, I don't know. I don't know much about woman-specific-parts like vaginas or fingernails or long hair or stuff like that, so I don't know if women can actually develop stuff like bear traps or anything metallic and sharp at all in the womb, but you get what I'm saying... it's possible. You hear about stuff like that all the time.

Anyway, there is another major factor that makes my sexual efficiency at home a particularly strange fact.

The factor: I have tons of sex all the time, with my secretary, the customers at the auto body shop, the cleaning lady, her cleaning lady, my brother's girlfriend, even hot cheerleaders from several private high schools in the area, and it lasts a really long time. Upwards of an hour or so, but even after a long night of making love to a couple of strippers, if I do it with my wife right afterwards, it's over, and it's not like I can say "Well, Dear, you wouldn't be laughing and pointing if you saw my sexual performance earlier this afternoon". I just pray to God that her sister won't tell her about my sexual performance earlier this afternoon either, and so I'll just let her think I'm sexually incompetent. What else can I do? I CAN'T WIN!

Now, I wouldn't call myself a "stud", or a "hustler", or a "sex maniac", or a "sex freak", or a "sex addict", or a "sexaholic", or a "rat cheating bastard", or even an " aggressive philanderer", but I've had more than my share of sex and you'd think that my stamina would go straight across the board, whether we're talking about the glory-hole in the men's room at the weird bar downtown, or my wife! Right? (By the way, how do they get those women in on the other side of the glory-hole. I never see a woman come into the men's room, but there's someone there. Now that's what I call magic.)

So I've come to the conclusion that it must be the bed. That's the only place we have sex, every third Thursday of the month. I was trying to test my theory by having sex with her on the floor, but I came instantly once again, so it must be some kind of electro-magnetic or radiation field generated from the bed. When we have sex again in a few weeks I'm going to suggest we do it in the basement. I just re-insulated it for the winter, and the bed's on the 2nd floor, so hopefully that'll help block out the bed's gamma rays, or whatever they are. I used Thinsulate, and that stuff's the best, although I don't know if I applied the scientific method properly to this whole situation. I also have one of those big Persian rugs on the floor above. it's real heavy, it has to be bouncing out the direct rays from the ceiling above.

Anyhoo, just as I was considering shopping for a new bed, your email came and, hell, since you're a professional I thought I'd ask. I rarely open up like this.

The only other possible explanation I've been kicking around is that I somehow love my wife and we have some sort of bond so deep that only my subconscious and basic motor skills respond to it, but I don't believe in all that psychic-esp stuff so that's a little too X-Files for me. I'm a pretty bright guy, If I thought I still loved her, I'd know. right?

I'm looking forward to hearing what you have to say,

Jonathan Land

IMPULSE for MEN: Intensifies Pleasure and Satisfaction Increases Energy and Endurance Longer Lasting and Firmer Erections

IMPULSE for WOMEN: Formula Designed Especially for Women by Women Intensifies Pleasure, Enhances Orgasms Revitalizes S E X Drive Enhances Vaginal Lubrication

It's Fun, Safe, and Effective. and you don't even need a perscription.

Get more information NOW Go to: http://www.cosmoseffect.com/impulse.html

Re:yet another

[lamont116]

Do you remember the Swedish Bikini Team from the Budweiser ads?

Those were Old Milwaukee ads. (Not that Old Mil tastes any worse than AB's Budweiser. Try Victory Prima Pils for a good pilsener).

Newest addition to his list...

[Akardam]

To: webmaster@slashdot.org
Subject: Re: Re: Increase your hits!
Date: 03/23/2002

Dear Webmaster,

Have you heard about our wonderfull new marketing tool, the Slashdot Effect?

*snip*

I don't want more hits, already! You've given me enough! Fuck off!

Job Application

[EricKrout.com]

Here's one. Please don't mod this redundant when (if?) the site ever gets back online.
---
Author's Note: Brilliant suggestions for this one were made by Kate Guttman. Subject: Re: Re: Re: job application
To: perumal perumal
From: Jonathan Land
Date: 02/20/2001

At 12:36 PM +0000 2/20/01, perumal perumal wrote:
Dear Mr. Jonathan Land

Well received your e-mail tks noted. this my reply for your questions.

Question 1) your company professionalitic approch and adharence to latest technology, really attracted me. Also you are Quench to finout the real reasonce behind every event (happening) has made my options simple and easy.

Yes, we do pride ourselves in being ahead of the curve in everything from new technology to abstract stitching theory. There's no point in being professionalitic if you're keeping your behind in the times. Good eye, my boy!

Question 2) My professional qualifications in garment manufacturing technology and 4 long years of work experience incatering the neeeds of world renowmad brand's like Wal-Mart, Jc-Penney, Tommy Hilfiger,Total kidswear, Hudson Bay, etc., extensive connectings with leading spinning & knitting mills, leading quality manufacturing production units in India.

When you say "4 long years", I'm not sure what you mean. Are "long years" a different measurement on the Indian calendar? How many American years is one Indian long year? Are you guys on some sort of metric system there (10 days to a week, 10 weeks to a month, 10 months to a year)?

Question 3) As a loyal exployee have to be faithful to my employer, hence i will try my level best traceout the culprit. I will not revel my employer's instructions to anybody in the organisations or outside. It wil be kept as confidencial mater.

Question 4) " 1 " ( i don't want to be behind of anybody)

Well, then you should have said "10" because you will now be earning 1 dollar an hour. I'd like to point out that this is perfectly legal, and contractually binding, by the way.

Question 5) I would like to spend my timing for the young orphance who are denied the love and care of the parents.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS????!!!!! How the fuck did you fucking find the fuck out that I'm a fucking orphan? FUCK!!! People around here think my bloodline is rich with both aristocracy and nobility. Your intense research into the company has crossed the line now that it's delved into my personal life.

Well here's the rest of the story... the part that they didn't publish in the papers. It was one of your people that took my parents away. It was a dark and stormy night back when I was only 7 years old. They took me down to the "Little India" part of New York City around 27th and Lexington to score some coke from Niketu Kothadia, one of the notorious leaders of the Indian Mafia Boyz, an outfit so well organized that they even have a website. Can you dig it? Here they are flaunting the success of their various businesses, each one more illegal than its predecessor, each one fronting a market blacker than the next: http://members.tripod.com/digitalbiz/chill.html

Anyway, Kothadia got a fresh batch of stuff in so of course, mommy and daddy had to try it... what wasn't known was that it was cut with pure yellow curry. I dropped my beanie and my large spiral lollypop on the floor looking at something shiny. By the time I adjusted my back brace into the upright position, I saw mommy and daddy foaming at the nose and mouth, it was a dark, dark yellow, darker than the most scorching urine or most dark yellowist of beers. Then the rebel forces barged in and shot everyone... except me.

Needless to say I'm scarred for life. When they do a news story on that new curry-alternative to mustard gas, I cringe. When I see a movie with Tim Curry, I gasp (but really, who doesn't). When I curry favor, I have a flashback that makes LSD look as effective as a food stamp.

I have a restraining order from every Indian restaurant in a 100 mile radius.

Are you happy now???? ARE YOU HAPPY? I'm an orphan... wooo!!!

Watch your back. If I ever catch up with you, I'm going to go all Bruce Wayne on your ass!

We're not hiring at this point in time, Nosy Nelly,

Jonathan Land

Re:Why?

[blang]

I write messages to their webmasters instead,
hoping that it'll show up in their error logs. They're probably never read, but it's nice to vent.

Something like:
http://spammer.com/index.html.IDontWantAnyF rikkinT highCream.IfYoureAWebmasterForTheseFraudsISuggestY ouGetYourselfArealJobYouDespcicableMoron

I somehow was able to read another one...

[EricKrout.com]

Again, please don't mod this redundant when (if?) his site gets back online....
---

Author's Note: Thanks to Jeff Hobbs for sharing his bounty. I know it's not spam, but misdirected email is good enough for me. All the comments and replies are from Jeff, I chime in as Bubs. Subject: A word about Jayson
To: Amos304@aol.com
From: Jeff Hobbs / Jonathan Land
Date: 05/19/2001

I've been getting misdirected email from this girl for a while:

> hey stranger. sorry it has taken me soooo long to write back. I have been a
> very very busy crazy woman. I did go out last week. and had a lot of fun.
> oh, by the way we're all going out next Saturday to celebrate my birthday,
> Stella's birthday, and Courtney's (nurse in family medicine) birthday. but
> mainly for my 30th. if you're not doing anything you're more than welcome to
> come on down. i'm having a slumber party at my house for those that can't
> drive home or that live too far away.
> How are you and your girlfriend getting along? is it any better? I sure
> hope so. you are such a sweet good looking guy. you shouldn't have problems
> like these already in life. Life is tooo short. Well my ex and i pretty
> much don't speak at all to one another any more. or should i say since
> easter. i don't know what his problem is. one minute he tells me we have to
> get along for emily's sake and we'll be friends. the next he's telling to
> get the hell out of the house and not come back. see, i still have a lot of
> stuff still at the house. because when i moved out he told me that it might
> be only for a short period and that way i wouldn't have so much to move back
> if we decided to get back together. well needless to say we decided not to
> get back together. which really i have never been happier. he just makes it
> tough for me because like i said one minute he says i can depend on him
> (which at times i really don't want to feel like i have to depend on him, i
> want to be able to do on my own) and then i have to wait and wait until he
> can do something for me at his convienece. I have pretty much stopped doing
> that. and it has made it easier. for example like changing the oil in my
> car.
> Every other weekend he has emily. and at least one night my girlfriend
> and i go out. and i hear flack from him about that. he doesn't believe in
> going out especially to bars!!!! you know me, I'm a people person. actually
> i don;t go out to drink, you can ask tracey when we're out people will ask
> where i'm at and tracey will point to the dance floor. that's what i love to
> do is DANCE!!!! it's also good exercise. ha ha. so, has your company sent
> you anyplace else lately? i better go for now it's getting late. email me
> soon. if you would like to come down for the party let me know and we can
> celebrate your birthday too. Tracey and Karen(from work) are going to have a
> big cookout at my house before we go out so no one goes out on an empty
> stomach. and of course we'll be drinking before we go out. Karen talked
> about making Jell-o shots. who knows what will happen, this should make for
> an interesting evening to say the least. Stella is coming down from PA.
> anyway just let me know and if you want to stay as well you're more than
> welcome. talk to you soon.
>
> Love,
> Amy
>

which I generally ignore and you can probably tell why. Then I get this last week:

> Jayson,
>
> hey you. whatcha been upto? i haven't heard back from you in ages. just
> worried about you. i figure your busy. just checking on you. you haven't
> been to the office since you went to florida. did they keep you down there?
> or probably had too much fun. so, how have you been doing? oh, by the way
> "HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY"!!!!! how was your birthday. mine to say the least
> was interesting. HA HA!!! the girls at the office were asking if i had heard
> from you anymore and you hadn't been in the office. see, we keep track of the
> good reps that come in. better go for now. keep in touch.
>
> Amy

So in a fit of random evil, I send her this:

> Amy,
>
> The reason you haven't heard from me in a while is I've been in jail. I really
> don't want to talk about it, and if you ever ask me about it in person, I'll
> completely deny it.
>
>Jayson

and I sort of forgot about it until I got this today:

> Jayson,
>
> i'm sorry to here that. no problem. i was just concerned that's all. i
> won't pressure you, but if you ever need to talk i'm always here. and i mean
> that.
>
> sincerely,
> Amy

so I'm thinking that instead of just being moderately evil and fucking with this guy Jayson's life, I could be all out evil and ask The Master, Jon Land, if he would compose a short missive to Amy and maybe explain his jail time a bit more.

Or is that too much? I don't know anymore. Anyway, Jon, I'll forget that 10$ if you whip out a letter to Amy.

~Jeff

Dear Amy,

I'm not a particularly jealous man, but I couldn't help notice the highly sexual tones of your correspondence with Jayson. I know I shouldn't be reading his email, but when the warden called him out of the library for a cigarette deal, he had me fight off all the other inmates who were vying for the computer he was using, and I just couldn't help myself.

Since Jayson is my roommate, my best friend, and my lover (better known to folks on the outside as "prison bitch"), I am very protective of the special relationship that we have.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Bubs, it's short for Bubba, you know, like the President... although theoretically there should be a new President in office by now. By the time all the news gets edited and shown to us (we're consistently 2 years behind the times) a lot changes in the world.... we might as well have been living in Sweden! Just because we're in the psych ward, they think we can't handle it, but we can FUCKING HANDLE IT!!! WE FUCKING CAN!

I really am worried that as soon as Jayjay gets out of here he'll forget me and return to women. His return to a life of crime is a given. I can't imagine that the Italians that he used to get his stuff from would touch him with a 10-foot pole though. I know he's into chicks and he's just with me for the power, and I've tried to make myself more feminine for him. Unfortunately, while the fatty foods that they feed us to keep us sluggish and docile have formed supple man-boobs on my doughy, tender flesh, I think he's... whatever the male, prison equivalent of "lesbian until graduation" is, and I'm concerned that my efforts are in vain.

But something deep within me thinks I can change him, and the best shot I have is if you leave him the hell alone. Jayson won't tell me anything about you, but I know you'll work your vagina voodoo and take him from me. Please give me my chance. I love him. I really do.

He's coming back. Bye,
Bubs

Re:i replied to spam once

[blang]

Yeah, I can do that for hours, but when they never answer I get bored. Those tin cans are such sensitive crybabies.

Fun with Snail Mail...

[phraktyl]

When AOL used to fit on a floppy (wow---that was quite a while ago...) and people generally had 30 of them just laying around the house, I would send the AOL floppies back to any company I got junk mail from in their own postage-paid return envelopes.

To bad the CDs don't fit as well.

/.ed....here is one i got

[AsnFkr]

Subject: Re: New Pill makes your semen taste sweet-she'll swallow and love it
To: 0sandmn0@w150.aone.net.au, 01bb932d.0fe13750@startpuntwoning.nl
From: Jonathan Land
Date: 02/20/2002

Men, Do You Want to Increase the Amount of Oral Sex You Receive by 5 to 10 Times?

Now, Make Oral Sex a Treat . . . Instead of a Job!

SweetenZe is a new all herbal pill that can make your semen actually taste sweet.

No more salty or bitter taste. 98% of women say they would perform more oral sex and even swallow, if there partners semen tasted better.

Now with a single pill that makes you taste sweet, you can increase the amount of oral sex you receive by 10 times or more. Women all over the world are finally loving performing oral sex on there men.

There's nothing better than that intense feeling you get as your lover swallows every last drop. Try a bottle of SweetenZe if your not completely satisfied we'll refund 100% of your money. or Call 626-440-1747

This sounds like an interesting product, but it creates an intriguing dilemma for me.

I'm a highly disgruntled teenage employee of a Dunkin' Donuts in a location I probably shouldn't disclose. Even though it would appear that I have my whole life ahead of me, the present looks very bleak. I'm earning $5.50 an hour, working about 10 hours a week after school and on weekends selling donuts and coffee to a surly, unpleasant group of adults who should be laying off the high carbs. How these dangerously obese tight-asses gain such a thrill being nasty and mean while not allowing that to interfere with their passion for eating is beyond me. Long story short: I hate it here. Sure I could get another job, but with the hours I have to give being a high school student, it would just wind up being another fast food place because I'm not taking up elderly booty wiping duty.

Of course, if my parents just gave me a reasonable allowance, which they can afford to do, I wouldn't have to waste my time in this doughy hell with these horrible, doughy people. Unfortunately my folks don't want me to be spoiled and they're trying to show me the benefits of earning money. I can't say that I've learned that particular lesson. The only thing I have learned that there is no such thing as satisfaction for a job well done when your job itself is completely unsatisfying.

So I'm stuck here. That combined with the fact that I'm a 16-year-old virgin with a woody that just wont quit and demoralizing acne that might as well spell out: "kill me" tends to build up a little bile. For the last few months, I've been choosing to exorcise this bile with a hefty side-dish of semen, straight into the donut batter when no one's been looking.

Now, the donuts definitely taste funny according to a few customer complaints, so I'm undoubtedly going to be caught soon. If I could "sweeten the deal" with your product, that would totally rock, but I don't know if I'd get the same satisfaction out of doing it, even though I could probably get away with doing it for way longer. But what if they start liking the donuts more than they used to?

Sure they're still gobbling down my boys, but if there's no remote clue like the current twinge of funk, it just isn't the same for me. I need to be able to think, "yeah, take THAT, jerkoff!", and not be swarmed by a hungry mob, Night of the Living Dead-style, feasting for more of my sweatmeat, chanting "mmmm... jizznuts... jiiiiizzznuuuutsss". This totally might backfire, causing my particular Dunkin' Donuts to become wildly popular, and forcing me into being overworked on my shitty salary!

So before I buy this stuff from you, I would need to know exactly what effect the outcome (and oh, do I mean out-come) might be in the donut batter. Would the donuts taste better than donuts with standard-issue semen, and worse than an untainted donut, or would such a heavenly delicacy be created that I could probably consider "going legit" and opening a franchise of my own featuring my special secret ingredient?

Personally, I just can't wait to walk up to the sophomore I have an eye on and use the "Hey little girl, want to have some candy?" line when propositioning her.

Jon

Offtopic!!

[Anonymous Coward]

What the fuck does this have to do with first posts?!

Here is on I got...

[JonWan]

I want to answer just haven't. The formatting kinda got screwed up. the headers were forged and it looks like he (?) used a highschool DNS server that has an open mail relay on it. Should I tell him I have the "vortex" he needs? ;-)

If you are a time traveler or alien disguised as human and or have
the technology to travel physically through time I need your help!

My life has been severely tampered with and cursed!!
I have suffered tremendously and am now dying!

I need to be able to:

Travel back in time.

Rewind my life including my age back to 4.

I am in very great danger and need this immediately!

I need as close to temporal reversion as possible, as safely as
possible.
To be able to rewind the hands of time in such a way that the
universe of
now will cease to exist.
I know that there are some very powerful people out there with
alien or
government equipment capable of doing just that.
I am aware of two types of time travel one in physical form and
the other
in energy form where a snapshot of your brain is taken using
either the
dimensional warp or an electronic device and then sends your
consciousness
back through time to part with your younger self. Please explain
how safe and what your method involves.

I have a time machine now, but it has limited abilitys and is
useless
without
a vortex.

If you can provide information on how to create vortex generator
or
where I can get some of the blue glowing moon crystals this would
also
be helpful. I am however concerned with the high level of
radiation these
crystals give off, if you could provide a shielding or other
crystals
which give off a north polarized vortex field just as strong or
strong
enough to make a watch stop this would be great.

Only if you have this technology and can help me exactly as
mentioned
please send me a (SEPARATE) email to: IneedTimeTravel@aol.com

Please do not reply if your an evil alien!
Thanks

Come on...

[mlknowle]

I write comments on Slashdot.... is it really that much different?

At least the automated replies *acknowledge* that they don't read what I write...

Large sterilizer for sale - $9,875

[Oink.NET]

Subject: Re: Large sterilizer for sale - $9,875
To: pemed@wperfect.com
From: Joan Land <joan@incomplete.net>
Date: 11/14/2001

Amsco model "Full VAC" large steam and vacuum sterilizer for sale, $9,875. Features: 24 x 36 x 48" chamber
single door
circular strip chart recorder
new in 1977, under full maintenance until removal
automatic operation
self contained high volume vacuum pump

Hi, I have 2 questions about your sterilizer. 1). Is it permanent? 2). What are the side effects? I really want to have my husband sterilized but I still want to use him for my non-reproductive womanly needs. I love the big lummox, but if the man had children branded with his dna, it would be like littering. Once I asked him to get a vasectomy. He asked me why, and I told him it was because the thought of him reproducing made me fear for humanity. Then he assured me that the process of him copying his cds onto mp3 wasn't contributing to the decline of modern civilization, except he stated it as "Yo, I ain't hurtin' no one!" Do you see what I mean? He's not going to go peacefully, so I figured I can throw a pie into the middle of your machine as a trap, wait until he wanders in, close the door behind him, and then do the ol' zap zap. God I hope this'll work,
Joan Land

For full information. please see our website http://www.pemed.com and look under the "autoclave" section. Thank you for your time and attention. Mark Zirinsky
Production Engineering - Medical Equipment Division
Denver, Colorado USA
1-303-393-7800
1-303-393-1482 (fax)
markz@pemed.com
http://www.pemed.com
If you don't want our email, please let us know.

this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[rnd()]

When telemarketers call, I find that the following approach works quite well:

Repeat the word "cornflakes" over and over again until they hang up. My record is 28.

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[Anonymous Coward]

I sing songs and say random shit like "I'm a dancer" and "A flock of snowbeasts are after me!". It's great to get peoples reactions

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[micsaund]

I've had good luck when the marketer is female and I do the following:

TM: "Hi, may I speak with Mr. [mispronounced] about this urgent information?"

ME: [in a breathy voice] "Yes, but only if you tell me what you're wearing..."

After that, they hang-up on me. It might also work for male callers, but I have not gotten the balls to try it yet.

Mike

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[FIGJAM]

If I can be bothered, I listen to their whole sales pitch to keep THEM on the phone for as long as possible and get their hopes up for a sale. Time is money to them and its all a numbers game. It gives me satisfaction that I'm at least helping them make less money in some way.

A friend of mine would wait until they pause for you to say something... so he pauses and says ... "and then?". They remain silent for a second so he says "aaaaaaaaannnd theeennnnnnnnn??"

Re:this reminds me of a trick for telemarketers

[stuffman64]

My method for dealing with telemarketers:

Is this Mr ?
Yup.
This is from corporation. We are calling to inform you of .

I let them talk to me for like a minute, then interupt:

Hey, I'm kind of in a hurry. I have this comedy routine tonight and I need to practice. Say, you want to hear a joke?

For some reason, most answer yes to this. I also try to be a little more smooth than that. Usually I bust out a few short jokes before leading up to this:

How many telemarketers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2. One to change the lightbulb and another to screw an old lady out of her life savings! Did you know telemarketers don't call other telemarketers? Yea, it's called professional courtesy.

I used to have a few more that I can't remember, ever since I switched to my cell phone and let the answering machine pick up my home calls, I haven't done this in a few years.

Batrhoom Book Legend: Letters From a Nut

[cannonball_D]

There is a book called "Letters from a Nut", and there is a sequel, "More Letters from a Nut" (a review of the first can be found here. These are HILARIOUS, and as they have a similar humour and approach, I thought I'd share what I have found to be my favorite bathroom book, as its a page or two at most of hilarious wit, just enough to finish you business, but entertaining enough to extend the visit for a couple more pages if you've got the time. The contents of the book consist of letters written to various corporations and organizations and the humorous responses to his rediculous comments. Here is the text from the back cover, which is a letter that he (Ted L. Nancy) wrote to Sara Lee (the last sentence is the best): Dear Sara Lee, I want to tell you an incident that happened to me yesterday. I have enjoyed your cookies, cakes, and goodies for years. I weigh quite a bit from eating Sara Lee (500). I know your slogan is "NOBODY DOESN"T LIKE SARA LEE." Yesterday at my mosh pary I put out one of your fudge swirl cakes. A female guest (also heavy - 600) said to me "I don't like this." I said, "What do you mean? Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee." She said, "Well, I don't like it." One thing led to another and she came at me with a shrimp fork. (She punctured my arm. Didnt' break skin - luckily). My question: She accused me of using poor English by saying Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Is this poor English? Who is uisng poor English? You and me or her? Can you tell me? Also, can you give me a list of your cakes that I can send her so she will find A SNACK SHE LIKES. To me, everybody do not like something, but NOBODY can say they will do not like Sara Lee. Thank you for clearing this English thing up. Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy

No, stop the pain

[agusus]

Error message from the site:

"Too many connectionsToo many connections"

[the server]: Just stop it! Go away! Leave me alone! Can't you see I have enough to do??

Re:Fun with Snail Mail... old porn

[simetra]

Take an old porno mag, cut out a crotch-shot, put it in the pre-paid return envelope.
Better yet, since we have the technology, print one out.

Re:Why?

[Shanep]

When spammers don't use BCC, and instead have a large list of emails To'ed or Cc'ed, I like to reply-to-all, defaming their "products", pointing out what they're selling is either crap, illegal or just plain does not work.

Sure, I get lots of spam, but I was getting plenty before that anyway. I think I must be on every fucking mega email list out there.

Fun with Spam

[Constrain_Me]

This reminds me of a site I used to frequent, it seems to be down now but the page can still be found on the google cache... some funny stuff there.

This was a good one.

Insane

IS THIS FOR YOU?

If you answer "yes" to ANY of these questions, then this business is definitely for you:

1) Do you already have a home office in place? (Personal computer, fax capabilities, answering machine, etc.)

2) Do you have an extra 5 - 10 hours per week to commit toward building your own part-time (or full-time) business?

3) Would you be able to read from a script, clearly, and with enthusiasm, a 2 - 3 minute introduction of our products? (NO "cold-calling" is required. Our prospects will call you!)

4) With our system, on average, every 15 calls you make will generate a sale that pays you a commission in excess of $1,000. Can you make that many calls per week? (Per day?)

We're looking for a few quality people with the work ethic necessary to generate a cash-flow for themselves of $2,000 - $5,000 per week, with the intent to increase that to over 5-figures per month, in as little as six months. Someone who can intelligibly read a short script to our qualified leads, and then turn the interested prospects over to our electronic sales medium. You will not be required to do any selling.

If you have the self-discipline to ignore the TV for a couple of hours per day, and if you're looking for a legitimate home-based business opportunity, that IS NOT multi-level marketing, or a chain-letter scheme, then please call our toll-free number, 1-888-123-4567 leave us a message, and we will get right back to you.

We market a real product, that pays real commissions to you, just for making the initial contacts. With our lead generation systems you'll always talk to people who actually WANT to talk to you.

If you answered "YES" to any or all of the above questions, and don't mind earning an extra $1,000, on average, for every 15 phone calls you make, then call this toll-free number:

1-800-123-4567 (Be sure and include the best time for us to reach you.)

You have nothing to lose, there's no risk involved, and you may be qualified to earn thousands of extra dollars per month.

Prosperous regards,

Krishna and Robert

P.S. It is SUGGESTED that you already have a functional home office situation. This greatly reduces your start-up and operating costs, and facilitates you being able to begin immediately. Please, serious inquiries only.


Hi..

Outside of the fact that I was laughing my body parts off at the fact that one of you is named "Krishna", I found some trouble answering the questions in your letter. I was wondering if you could review my answers and tell me whether or not your offer is a good idea for me. I'll just address your letter one segment at a time, if you don't mind.

1) Do you already have a home office in place? (Personal computer, fax capabilities, answering machine, etc.)

Kind of.....well, let me tell you a bit about myself...I live in an insane asylum...I have my own room, and my own answering service. Well, it's not really an answering service, it's another patient. She's an old lady who walks around wearing a tie-dyed nightgown and screaming at the top of her lungs. She says her name is Boris, but something tells me she's wrong about that. Anyways, she's in the asylum because she thinks that the heads of all bald men are actually drum sets. So, whenever she sees a bald guy, she runs and jumps on him and starts slapping the top of his head like she's Ricky Ricardo. It's funny to watch an old lady in a tie dyed nightgown do stuff like that. Anyways, she's good at answering the phones...unless a bald guy walks by while she's taking the message.

I do, obviously, have a personal computer....so that's no problem. I can use it whenever I'm not licking the screen. That's why I'm in this asylum, I like licking small appliances.....it's an obsessive compulsive thing. I really wouldn't even be in here if I hadn't started french kissing a microwave in the Sears Appliance Center.

As far as a fax machine....well, I flushed it down the toilet. It was cheating on me with the vending machine on the second floor.

2) Do you have an extra 5 - 10 hours per week to commit toward building your own part-time (or full-time) business?

Commit....it's funny that you should use that word. Actually, yes I do have that much free time, and I'm excited at the notion of having a home business, because I'd be making money, but I'd still have enough free time to masturbate while flipping through the Circuit City catalog.

3) Would you be able to read from a script, clearly, and with enthusiasm, a 2 - 3 minute introduction of our products? (NO "cold-calling" is required. Our prospects will call you!)

Are you kidding? Enthusiasm is my middle freakin name!! Hell, there's a lot of people here that would like to be salespeople. Hey, after I'm done reading the script, maybe I could have Boris talk to them! She's really convincing, unless she goes into a fit and starts screaming "ARE YOU BALD!?!?! ARE YOU BALD!?!" at the person on the other end of the phone. Don't worry, we'll try to medicate her. Then there's swingin' Eddy...he's in here because he thinks that Hoola Hoops are meant to be jewelry and because he was writing these letters to news anchors asking them if they were naked undearneath the news desk. Personally, I think that's normal....he really wouldn't be in here except he has a hoola hoop ass ring that he insists on wearing all the time. Poor guy....he can never wear pants....and whenver he sits down, he starts to roll away. He'd be a good salesman though, hell, he conviced me to get a hoola hoop nosering. It looks good, and it flies around in circles like a jump rope whenever I sneeze.

4) With our system, on average, every 15 calls you make will generate a sale that pays you a commission in excess of $1,000. Can you make that many calls per week? (Per day?)

This is where I run into a problem. The hoola hoop makes it hard for me to use a phone, and beyond that, I'm sexually attracted to phones and that means that I salivate and slobber on the reciever whenever I use one. I was wondering if maybe you could bring the customers here, and I could read them the script in person? I promise everyone here will behave in front of them, and we'll make Jake, (the naked lumberjack) put a cloth or something on top of ol' Timber. No bald people though, I can't stess that enough.

If you have the self-discipline to ignore the TV for a couple of hours per day, and if you're looking for a legitimate home-based business opportunity, that IS NOT multi-level marketing, or a chain-letter scheme, then please call our toll-free number, 1-888-123-4567 leave us a message, and we will get right back to you.

IGNORE THE TV!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME?? Haven't you listened to a damn word I said? I'm NUTS!!! I have SEX with the TV!!!! You want me to ignore so I can talk to your stupid customers and tell them about your products. NO!! Otherwise we're good, this sounds like a great opportunity, bring them on by.

By the way, Krishna is a retarded name.

Always,

Blender Sex Man

The finest spam reply personally seen was zug.com

[afflatus_com]

Subj: Heal
Date: 96-02-07 10:21:26 EST
From: chirosft@ix.netcom.com (Dr. D. Funk)

As a business owner for the past 30 years, I have never experienced such a simple strategy to create additional fast cash flow, which will not detract from or conflict with the way I run my present business. I have personally seen incomes ranging from $10,0000 to $22,000 per month within less than 120 days. I know that sounds ludicrous, as it did to me at first, but thank goodness that at this stage of my life I was still open-minded enough to listen to the FREE audio cassette, "Dead Doctors Don't Lie" (Learn how 300,000 people are being killed in Hospitals each year!)

If you are not experiencing a LOW STRESS , non-confrontational income producing method that has people calling you with orders for your products and asking to join your business, it's time to call me and request a free copy of the amazing tape, Dead Doctors Don't Lie. E-mail your request to chirosft@ix.netcom.com or Fax (916)-482-4256 with your complete name and mailing address. (Please include phone number in the event we don't understand your message)

What have you got to lose ?

Subj: Re: Heal
Date: 96-02-07 11:27:36 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: chirosft@ix.netcom.com
CC: Baked Ham

Boy, this offer sounds great! I'd love to get that free audio tape about dead doctors! Send it on! My e-mail address is bakedham@aol.com.

I need to ask you about your name, Dr. Funk. I once knew a DJ in New York City who went by the name of Doctor Funk. I realize "Dr. Funk" and "Doctor Funk" are two different names, but perhaps you shorten it for the sake of space? Or perhaps it's a pseudonym for your other business ventures?

Man, you were something. Playing that dance music the whole night long at your club, General Hospital. It took me a while to get THAT joke - you were the Doctor, and the club was your Hospital! Great one, Doctor Funk!

One time I remember this girl came in wearing a live snake, as girls will do in Grenwich Village. You yelled into your microphone (as you were wont to do), "Do we have any funky boys in this house?" And all the guys yelled, "YEAH!" Then you screamed, "Do we have any booty-shakin' girls in the house?" And all the ladies screamed, "YEAH!" Then you hollered, "Do we have any snakes in the house?!" And - as if on cue - the snake jumped out of the woman's arms and bit this guy on the ass. It was some sort of poisonous viper, and you had to stop the music and rush over to help the snake bite victim. Everyone wanted you to help the guy, but we found out you weren't a licensed doctor at all. It was just an act. I heard the guy eventually died, so maybe that's what your dead doctors tape is all about.

Doctor Funk, how has your career been since that guy died? Did you find another job? I heard the General Hospital eventually went out of business - is that true? How did you get the name Doctor Funk?

Send on that free tape, Doctor Funk! I'm eager to make more money!

John Myers Hargrave

From zug.com

Re:i replied to spam once

[FurryFeet]

Change "Rames in" for "Ramen is"...

Real sorry about that. The worst part is I actually previewed my post.
(No that's not true. The worst part is that I actually work as a newspaper editor, but that would be too embarrasing to admit.)