Many Hackers Too Fat For The FBI

CaveDwler writes: "Want to work for the FBI in computer security? Better put down your cheesey poofs and pick up your M16. According to this article over on Wired, you have to pass physical requirements in order to work with FBI in computer security."

Comments

Wow, this is news!

[solarrhino]

Hackers? Too Fat? Say it's aint so!

darwin

[Scrameustache]

"They will not consider you unless you can carry your M16 through the physical fitness course without killing yourself in the process,"

I think its fair, if you die in the test, they don't hire you.

Put down your cheesy poofs and pick up an M-16?

[Rayonic]

How is playing Counter-Strike going to help me lose weight?

The Dark Side?

[GuyMannDude]

"In order to be a good computer security person, you must think like a black-hat hacker and be able to understand the tools and methods of the dark side," Sweeny said.

Oh great. So not only do you have to be able to run the obstacle course but you gotta be able to choke people from a distance and fight little green hyper midgets.

GMD

Re:The Dark Side?

[unicron]

Most slashdotters can choke people from a distance just buy removing a shoe.

mmmmm... Pot

[littleRedFriend]

One question on the application asked if you'd smoked pot more than 15 times

15 times? A day?

Re:mmmmm... Pot

[CormacJ]

Actually this is probably one of those questions that TLA's like to use to see if you are paying attention

1) If you answer no:
So you have smoked pot then?

2) If you answer yes:
Well good luck then

3) I have never used drugs:
Bravo. Look at this guy who reads the questions

Guns

[t_allardyce]

Its always been my dream, to one day pull a gun and badge on someone and yell "Federal Agent, DONT MOVE!" or something cool like that. Unfortunately here in the UK theres nothing with any really catchy names, "Flying Squad" sounds lame, "MI5" sounds lame, the only cool thing i can think of is "Secret Service" but you would probably have to wisper it because its secret.. :( Even the police dont have cool 4-letter things like NYPD or LAPD. "Swansea Police, FREEZE!"

I think its important for all geeks that want to join the FBI to get fit, and cherish their ability to pull guns and shout catchy phrases even if they have desk jobs. Mulder had to pass the physical, Scully had to pass the... mmmmmmm.. she definatly passed it :)

Re:Fat? Where?

[Anonymous Coward]

Where are all these fat pasty geeks I keep hearing about? Most I see are scrawny as hell.

Ah, you must be one of the common eastern geeks. Known for their nervous twitchs and darting eyes. I am more familiar with the geekus midwestus, who are more noted for their smug manner and snorting laughter. Oh, and rolls and rolls of fat, of course.

Not fat, not scrawny.

[GuyMannDude]

They're not just ruling out the fat ones. They're rejecting all the ones that don't have a buff bod and those who wear glasses. Remember, a gentlemen agent not only has to be smart but has to be good looking enough to seduce the sexy Russian and Chinese evil hacker agents that he will undoubtably encounter in exotic locales. Don't you watch the movies, man? Everyone knows this shit!

GMD

Re:Fat? Where?

[chris_mahan]

Geek and weapons instructor

Instructor:
"When you've emptied the clip, put the m-16 back down on the table"

Geek:
"Can I have more ammo?"

Instructor:
"AGAIN?"

Re:It wasn't the physical requirements..

[Tackhead]

> How many people can answer these questions with a response of No?
>
>1. Have you used marijuana at all within the last three years?
> 2. Have you used marijuana more than a total of 15 times in your life?
>3. Have you used any other illegal drug (including anabolic steroids after February 27, 1991) at all in the past 10 years?
[ ... ]

Tack: "Yes sir! I can answer 'no' to all six questions sir!"

f3i: "...and can you say that truthfully, Mr. Tackhead?"

Tack: [embarassed] "Sir, I'm applying for the job of computer geek. I had no life in high school. Or college either. I have no life now. So yes, sir, I can truthfully answer 'no' to all six questions, but do you guys really have to keep rubbing it in?"

f3i: "Well, uh, no, we're not trying to embarass you into admitting you had no life, it's just on the form..."

Tack: "And besides, steroids? Does this body look like I've ever even exercised it since 1991, let alone tried to bulk it up artificially? Sir? Sir?" :-)

Actually, I rather enjoy reading government forms as historical documents. Because there's no effective mechanisms for getting rid of dumb policies, only ways of adding them, every government form is a reflection of the past 10-20 years of legislative cruft for whatever government department has to deal with said cruft.

I mean, steroids haven't made headlines for... gee, about eleven years. I know it's been eleven years since steroids were news because of the date on the form, that indicates the passage of some "for the childrun" law on February 27, 1991, indicating that it was no doubt the issue-du-jour about a year or so earlier.

(If you think that's silly, try reading the cross-references and subforms on every line of your tax return. There's stuff in there - railroad pensions, etc - that goes back the 1930s.)

Prediction: A question saying "...had more than 30 MP3s or 3 DiVX ripz a collection of unlicensed music, shared more than 30 MP3s or 3 DiVX ripz with people not already licensed to listen to the music, burned more than 30 MP3s or 3 DiVX ripz to removable media, after [some date in 2004]" will eventually appear on FBI recruitment forms.

Re:The practices are strange...

[Alsee]

It's stupid to hire people that can do one and only one thing well in law enforcement. These are the people who need to be able to do a multitude of things to 'survive' at times.

Exactly. As a computer specialist sitting in an office all day you never know when you're going to have to chase a suspect up a fire escape.

-

Re:Federal agents are underpaid

[blablablastuff]

If 45 - 60k isn't enough to put food on the table, I think that weight problem may still be an issue.

Cheapskates!

[Tablizer]

The FBI just does not want to pay for two seats when the fly you. It has nothing to do with caring for your health. If you croak early it is less pension forked out.

It's so you'll try counting on your fingers...

[billstewart]

• If they see you you run out of fingers, you probably won't pass.
• If you're having trouble telling how many fingers you're holding up, you probably won't pass either.

If you start counting, and break out in the giggles halfway through, you probably won't pass, unless you can recover and explain what was funny about that time without ratting on your friends.

Re:It's not the physical reqs that turn away peopl

[VivianC]

At that point, if I were an Agent, I wouldn't want to be looking out for some lard-arse specialist, I'd like to know the guy doing the specialist work could cover my back in a firefight.

I know quite a few 'lard asses' (myself included) who could do a great job dropping the mouse and grabbing the gun. Heck, us fat guys better know how to shoot, we sure as hell can't run!

Besides, where do you think you are going to tap the LAN from? The dealer's closet? Just snake a cable downstairs or, better yet, let the gung-ho guys arrest the clown and take his computers back to HQ where you can crack them while eating your doughnuts and playing some MP3s...

they should still hire you!

[commodoresloat]

It's discriminatory, dammit. I don't think being metaphysically challenged should present a barrier to employment.

Re:Forget the physical...

[bblgoose]

Never trust anyone whose VCR blinks 12:00