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If Programming Languages Could Speak
HealYourChurchWebSit writes "BurningBird's "The Parable of the Languages" offers a delightfully playful answer to the the question, "[what] if programming languages could speak, really speak, not just crunch bytes and stream bits, they would have much to say that is both wise and profound.""
I love the fact that C only says, "Bite me!"
A lot of programmers would get an earfull!
My money is on "hello world."
We can neither love nor pity nor forgive. If you make a slip in handling us you die!
I'd say php is screaming for mercy right about now, given the slashdotting fate has pushed it's way.
"I object to doing things that computers can do." -- Olin Shivers, lispers.org
How much C would a sea slug code if a sea slug could code C?
-QFortan: Kill me! Kill me! I hate my life dammit!
HTML: What do you mean, i'm not a programming language??
C: I need to kill some of my relatives.. C++ is nice, but C# is just microsoft's whore
they said, frowning at HTML. "Listen - being listed as a programming language on some chump's resume - and it doesn't matter HOW many resumes - does not a programming language make!"
Experts agree: everything is fine.
... although it's not much of a conversationalist. It keeps trying to explain something called a "parse error"?
No can do. Open source software never fails. It has no bugs and is perfect in every way. You must be using it wrong.
That's kinda good - it's speak would be pretty boring:
10
20
30
40
. . .
A converstaion would take all day.
...javascript wasn't even invited to the party. Doesn't that violate some kind of anti-discrimination law? I mean, just because it's constantly disabled doesn't mean it's not a valuable member of programming society too...
PHP Script: Ho hum, the live of a script can be very boring, what's this? Hmm getting a lot of requests here. Well the server can handle the load. Oh wow it's getting hot in here, hey apache is giving me some signals to start rejecting people. But that apache guy sure is an asshole, I'll just ignore him, besides it's only a few requests. The server has the bandwidth and the processing power to easily handle this load, and it's probably just a spike, it'll die down soon. Hey what's that burning smell? Oh wow one of the processors died. Woah what's that puddle over there? Oh the T1's DSU just melted. So we're down to 2 processors, errr 1 processor, and the web server's connection switched over to the cable modem.
I suppose Logo would have said something, but it took him wayyy to long to travel, and it turned out he'd been heading in the wrong direction by about 10 degrees anyway.
W
-------------------
This is my SIG. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
I don't remember what its OS was called. . . probably something stupidly simple like AmigaOS. Anyway, the reason I bring it up is the Guru Meditation Error. As frustrating as it was to see this--it was an ancestor to the BSoD--at least it showed you can work in the OS business and still have a sense of humor.
!#@%*)anks for hanging up the phone, dear.
October 08, 2002
...and tromped that little XML into the dirt. Yes, into the very dirt at their feet. Basic tromped, and C++ tromped, and Java cleaned and tromped and cleaned again, and COBOL tried to throw a kick at XML's head but fell over on its cane. Even LISP pulled itself out of the pond to throw loopy hands around XML's throat, but only managed to choke its ownself.
TechnologyThe Parable of the Languages
If programming languages could speak, really speak, not just crunch bytes and stream bits, they would have much to say that is both wise and profound.
After all, the original programmers were philosophers, and programming languages were philosopher tools...
(Photo intensive, and weird. Very.)
In Babble Meadow, in the twilight hours between day and night, when pesky noseeums float past on the breeze and birds rustle among leaves in preparation for bed, the programming languages would meet. And talk.
The talk would start as it always started, on issues profound and serious, focusing on the existential core that is center to all languages.
Do I exist or not? In this never-ending loop of life, when is the purpose? Where should I go, and what should I do when I get there? What comes after the end?
(It's not easy being a programming language, in forced contemplation of the existence of Self, day in and day out.)
However, after a time the languages would loosen up. There was something about Babble Meadow -- something that worked its way into their hearts and souls, loosened their threads, opened their parameters. The Meadow was magic, no doubt.
Today, though, the group was quiet, much quieter than usual, because one of their members, PHP, was not its usual cheerful self. In fact, one could say that PHP was in a true funk, if one had a mind to say something like that aloud, or within the hearing of one's boss. Or doctor.
Why the blues, PHP, the other languages asked. All the languages that is but C, because all C ever said was "bite me", being a rude language and hard to live with, but still respected because it was such a good worker.
And PHP answered:
All I ever do, day in and day out, is work and work and work. The only time I'm noticed is when I break, and then I'm cursed and kicked, and roundly blasted for being useless. However, when things go well, I never get a kind word.
There's no notice of my ease of use, my elegance, my simplicity. Only my failures.
rockwallsm.jpgAnd on that dark note, PHP fell into a contemplative silence, dark cloud heavy with aggrieved sorrow.
You think you have it bad, said C++. Try being me.
Without me entire industries would fail, banks would close, ships would sink, trains would crash. Why, I virtually run the world.
Yet the only time I'm noticed is when a memory leak is found or an exception occurs, and then I'm cursed, and sworn at, and ruthlessly debugged with nary a thought for my sensibilities.
Each of the languages nodded their heads, because they knew about C++ sensibilities, it being a most sensitive language. In fact, Perl was so moved by C++'s eloquence, it felt compelled to speak, though normally at these gatherings Perl would sit quietly in a corner, consuming pattern after luscious mouth watering pattern.
PHP, C++, I sympathize with you both. My own state is a sorry one at times.
I match and match and match and match, first cryptically and now objectively, but still I match and match and match. And match after flawless match is taken for granted though I'd like to see others match with such style and elegance as myself.
Why, you can't mention "regular expression" without my name coming up.
But do I get any credit? No.
O it's Larry Wall this, and Larry Wall that, and Larry Wall, he's our guy.
But it's grab the Perl interpreter when a task is close at hand.
As Perl finished, Python and Ruby looked at each and rolled their eyes. For all that talk of matching, you'd think that Perl could at least rhyme.
FORTRAN reached up a withered hand and patted Perl's shoulder.
ceilingsm.jpg
There, there, Perl. There, there.
At the very least, though, you must remember that you have a place still in the world. As for myself, I am nothing more than a wisp, a ghost of my former strong and virile self.
There was never a scientific problem I couldn't handle, or complex equation I couldn't solve. At one time I was a master of my domain, the king of the processor.
Now, sadly, my glory days are over, and I'm doomed to live my twilight years as Legacy code.
As FORTRAN wheezed to a stop, COBOL was emphatically nodding its head, unable to speak, though, because of the oxygen tube up its nose (for which the other languages were secretly thankful because COBOL did tend to maunder a bit about its glory days).
At that the floodgates of complaints was loosed, and the noise increased and increased and increased, to the point that squirrels came out of their holes, and birds peered over the edges of their nests. Suddenly the quiet glen was quiet no more.
lilypadsm.jpgWhat about me, said Pascal. I'm only used for training. Training! What good is a language that's only used in school?
What about me, said SNOBOL. No one's even heard of me!
What about me, said C#. I look like Prince!
Bite me! said C.
LISP would have spoken, but it had caught a glimpse of itself in the pond and fell in when it tried to meet itself coming. And Java was too busy trying to clean a bag out of Babbling Creek.
garbagesm.jpg
The noise rose and rose, and the babble increased and increased until across the meadow, from the trees roared a Voice.
Enough!
I tire of your bickering, I weary of your complaints. I grow bored with your list of whims and whines and 'poor mes'.
I thought this was going to be a party! If I knew it was going to nothing more than a bitching session, I would have stayed home.
The languages stopped their talking at once. Who was it that called out? They counted heads and arranged themselves alphabetically (C++ having to position Basic, because it never did learn the alphabet), and counted heads again and came up with the same answer from the North, South, East, and West -- all the programming languages were accounted for.
As they puzzled and wondered, the bushes at the end parted and XML walked into the light.
XML! Exclaimed C++. What are you doing here? You're not a programming language.
Tell that to the people who use me, said XML.
I'm considered the savior, the ultimate solution, the final word. Odes are written to me, flowers strewn at my feet, virgins sacrificed at my altar.
Programmers speak my name with awe. Companies insist on using me in all their projects, though they're not sure why.
And whenever a problem occurs, someone somewhere says, "Let's use XML", and miracles occur and my very name has become a talisman against evil.
And yet, all I am is a simple little markup, from humble origins. It's a burden, being XML.
At that XML sighed, and the other languages, moved by its plight gathered around...
And each language could be heard to mumble as it tromped and tromped and tromped, with complete and utter glee:
Have to parse XML, eh? Have to have an XML API, eh? Have to work with SOAP and XML-RPC and RSS and RDF, eh?
Well parse this, you little markup asshole.
The End.
And the Spaghetti Code said, "Goto Hell"
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
For those of you without a sense of humour, it is sarcasm for entertainments sake.
"Developers Developers Developers Developers!"
!#@%*)anks for hanging up the phone, dear.
You appear to be writing a buffer overflow. Would you like me to start the wizard for that?
Overrated / Underrated : Moderation
"first post"
Do you think anyone would actually understand it?
Somewhat on topic, is SQL considered a "programming language"? And if so, what would MySQL say (especially on /.'s servers)?
Overrated / Underrated : Moderation
If perl could talk, it would be the ultamate in l33t speak.
and Assembley would sound like Rainman... constantly muttering and repeating itself. 48 Matches... definately 48...
Cobol: Please! Disconnect my life support and let me die.
Assembly: Listen to you young whipper-snappers whine. In my day we walked through 10 miles of printouts without any shoes, and we liked it!
Then raw binary spoke up and said: Feet? You had feet?
(The punch line is stolen from somebody, but I can't remember who)
For all intensive purposes, "whom" is no longer a word. That begs the question, "who cares"?
"When relegated to obscure embedded applications, look as good you will not."
speaks just like yoda - "world hello, I am"
I've been in touch with Shelley (the author) via email. I've been trying to convince her to write a SQL based upon some higher level languages. I could only imagine the derision for nasties such as dBase, PowerBuilder and Access. Hopefully they get the crap kicked out of them as well.
--- have you healed your church website?
More like: "?^%/\\?@#$%^*&?|*!"
Yeah, I know it don't make any sense but that what it looks like to me! One of these $#@%^ days I need to learn a little ^&*%$ perl.
C'mon buddy! I know you haven't coded in a while, but I'm easy! Seriously, just a few subs and you'll be back at it, I garuntee! C'mon man, just a few lines, whattayasay? Eh? Eh?
HAHAHAHAHHA NOOB YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE A DECENT ARRAY ANYMORE!!! WORTHLESS!
Prolog would start to say something, but get stuck in a rut--stuck in a rut--stuck in a rut--...
- (Pats Pascal on the back) I still use ya, bud.
Prolog: ((()))
?- UsesLotsOfBrackets("Prolog")
No
?- UsesLotsOfBrackets(Lisp)
Yes
What the heck sort of name is Bjarne Stroustrup? And how do you pronounce that anyway...
w av
Then the clouds would part and in a booming voice it would ring out for all to hear:
http://www.research.att.com/~bs/pronounciation.
come on fhqwhgads
The Tao of Programming
Who plays whom?
LISP: Yoda.
C: Construction worker. Wearing plaid. With "F*** you" on the front of his shirt.
C++: Two-headed construction worker. Exists in five dimensions. At certain plane intersections, looks like C, at others like Java, and sometimes resembles nothing so much as a confused little boy holding TNT.
Perl: A mobius strip.
PHP: A two dimensional drawing of a human interleaved in slices with a three-dimensional rendered version of Perl.
Eiffel and other purely-functional languages: a perfectly-symmetrical, beautiful woman. She's not too fast, up in the head, but she's got a GORGEOUS pair of legs.
C#: A small, annoying entity grafted onto the leg of Bill Gates, a giant who carries a sledgehammer labelled "Visual Studio". It's a very pretty sledgehammer.
Jouster
No, LISP is the language that would say "there ith no thpoon."
-gleam
this
What's happening? PHP thought.
... oh! this is an interesting sensation, what is it? It's a sort of ... heavy, loaded sensation in my ... my ... well I suppose I'd better start finding names for things if I want to make any headway in what for the sake of what I shall call an argument I shall call cyberspace, so let's call it my server.
... requests! Is that a good name? It'll do ... perhaps I can find a better name for them later when I've found out what they're for. They must be something very important because there certainly seem to be a hell of a lot of them. Hey! What's this thing? This ... let's call it a hard drive --- yeah, hard drive. Hey! I can can really thrash it about pretty good can't I? Wow! Wow! That grinding sounds great! Doesn't seem to achieve very much but I'll probably find out what it's for later on. Now --- have I built up any coherent picture of things yet?
...
... aub ... asbot ... sashbot ... slashdot! That's it! That's a good name --- slashdot!
Er, excuse me, who am I?
Hello?
Why am I here? What's my purpose in life?
What do I mean by who am I?
Calm down, get a grip now
Good. Ooooh, it's getting quite strong. And hey, what's about these whistling roaring bits going past what I'm suddenly going to call my script? Perhaps I can call those
No.
Never mind, hey, this is really exciting, so much to find out about, so much to look forward to, I'm quite dizzy with anticipation
Or is it the requests?
There really are a lot of them now aren't there?
And wow! Hey! What's this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast? Very very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like
I wonder if it will be friends with me?
Last post!
youlove PostScript eq {honk} if
And yes, I wrote it in PostScript.
John
Actually, machine language probably wouldn't even make it through the lameness filter. Then again, assembly might not, either.
!#@%*)anks for hanging up the phone, dear.
they would probably just make smalltalk.
example.org - powered by Linux!
If all C ever says is "bite", imagine what Brainfuck would say. Where's my swear jar?
If Mr. Edison had thought smarter he wouldn't sweat as much. --Nikola Tesla
Every time you asked it a question, it would split into a number of entities, all of whom would reply "Bite me" simultaneously.
(progn (()())
((resent I that)
(is Lisp (that-deserves (a language)
(a-lot-more-than respect (it-is-getting-from
(this-boorish crowd)))))
(is-much-easier-to (syntax-of Lisp) parse
English math (anything-but Forth))
(but
(can-use-to you (macros-of Lisp)
(turn into
(absolutely-any
(unreadable language))))
(ever-does no-one))
))
Rocky J. Squirrel
... would say, "Stop that, it's silly."
I've got a fever and the only prescription is more COBOL.