Slashdot Mirror
If Programming Languages Could Speak
HealYourChurchWebSit writes "BurningBird's "The Parable of the Languages" offers a delightfully playful answer to the the question, "[what] if programming languages could speak, really speak, not just crunch bytes and stream bits, they would have much to say that is both wise and profound.""
I love the fact that C only says, "Bite me!"
My money is on "hello world."
We can neither love nor pity nor forgive. If you make a slip in handling us you die!
I'd say php is screaming for mercy right about now, given the slashdotting fate has pushed it's way.
"I object to doing things that computers can do." -- Olin Shivers, lispers.org
How much C would a sea slug code if a sea slug could code C?
-QFortan: Kill me! Kill me! I hate my life dammit!
HTML: What do you mean, i'm not a programming language??
C: I need to kill some of my relatives.. C++ is nice, but C# is just microsoft's whore
they said, frowning at HTML. "Listen - being listed as a programming language on some chump's resume - and it doesn't matter HOW many resumes - does not a programming language make!"
Experts agree: everything is fine.
... although it's not much of a conversationalist. It keeps trying to explain something called a "parse error"?
No can do. Open source software never fails. It has no bugs and is perfect in every way. You must be using it wrong.
A converstaion would take all day.
...javascript wasn't even invited to the party. Doesn't that violate some kind of anti-discrimination law? I mean, just because it's constantly disabled doesn't mean it's not a valuable member of programming society too...
PHP Script: Ho hum, the live of a script can be very boring, what's this? Hmm getting a lot of requests here. Well the server can handle the load. Oh wow it's getting hot in here, hey apache is giving me some signals to start rejecting people. But that apache guy sure is an asshole, I'll just ignore him, besides it's only a few requests. The server has the bandwidth and the processing power to easily handle this load, and it's probably just a spike, it'll die down soon. Hey what's that burning smell? Oh wow one of the processors died. Woah what's that puddle over there? Oh the T1's DSU just melted. So we're down to 2 processors, errr 1 processor, and the web server's connection switched over to the cable modem.
I suppose Logo would have said something, but it took him wayyy to long to travel, and it turned out he'd been heading in the wrong direction by about 10 degrees anyway.
W
-------------------
This is my SIG. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
I don't remember what its OS was called. . . probably something stupidly simple like AmigaOS. Anyway, the reason I bring it up is the Guru Meditation Error. As frustrating as it was to see this--it was an ancestor to the BSoD--at least it showed you can work in the OS business and still have a sense of humor.
!#@%*)anks for hanging up the phone, dear.
And the Spaghetti Code said, "Goto Hell"
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
"Developers Developers Developers Developers!"
!#@%*)anks for hanging up the phone, dear.
You appear to be writing a buffer overflow. Would you like me to start the wizard for that?
Overrated / Underrated : Moderation
"first post"
Do you think anyone would actually understand it?
Somewhat on topic, is SQL considered a "programming language"? And if so, what would MySQL say (especially on /.'s servers)?
Overrated / Underrated : Moderation
If perl could talk, it would be the ultamate in l33t speak.
and Assembley would sound like Rainman... constantly muttering and repeating itself. 48 Matches... definately 48...
Cobol: Please! Disconnect my life support and let me die.
Assembly: Listen to you young whipper-snappers whine. In my day we walked through 10 miles of printouts without any shoes, and we liked it!
Then raw binary spoke up and said: Feet? You had feet?
(The punch line is stolen from somebody, but I can't remember who)
For all intensive purposes, "whom" is no longer a word. That begs the question, "who cares"?
"When relegated to obscure embedded applications, look as good you will not."
speaks just like yoda - "world hello, I am"
I've been in touch with Shelley (the author) via email. I've been trying to convince her to write a SQL based upon some higher level languages. I could only imagine the derision for nasties such as dBase, PowerBuilder and Access. Hopefully they get the crap kicked out of them as well.
--- have you healed your church website?
More like: "?^%/\\?@#$%^*&?|*!"
Yeah, I know it don't make any sense but that what it looks like to me! One of these $#@%^ days I need to learn a little ^&*%$ perl.
C'mon buddy! I know you haven't coded in a while, but I'm easy! Seriously, just a few subs and you'll be back at it, I garuntee! C'mon man, just a few lines, whattayasay? Eh? Eh?
HAHAHAHAHHA NOOB YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE A DECENT ARRAY ANYMORE!!! WORTHLESS!
Prolog would start to say something, but get stuck in a rut--stuck in a rut--stuck in a rut--...
- (Pats Pascal on the back) I still use ya, bud.
What the heck sort of name is Bjarne Stroustrup? And how do you pronounce that anyway...
w av
Then the clouds would part and in a booming voice it would ring out for all to hear:
http://www.research.att.com/~bs/pronounciation.
come on fhqwhgads
The Tao of Programming
Who plays whom?
LISP: Yoda.
C: Construction worker. Wearing plaid. With "F*** you" on the front of his shirt.
C++: Two-headed construction worker. Exists in five dimensions. At certain plane intersections, looks like C, at others like Java, and sometimes resembles nothing so much as a confused little boy holding TNT.
Perl: A mobius strip.
PHP: A two dimensional drawing of a human interleaved in slices with a three-dimensional rendered version of Perl.
Eiffel and other purely-functional languages: a perfectly-symmetrical, beautiful woman. She's not too fast, up in the head, but she's got a GORGEOUS pair of legs.
C#: A small, annoying entity grafted onto the leg of Bill Gates, a giant who carries a sledgehammer labelled "Visual Studio". It's a very pretty sledgehammer.
Jouster
No, LISP is the language that would say "there ith no thpoon."
-gleam
this
What's happening? PHP thought.
... oh! this is an interesting sensation, what is it? It's a sort of ... heavy, loaded sensation in my ... my ... well I suppose I'd better start finding names for things if I want to make any headway in what for the sake of what I shall call an argument I shall call cyberspace, so let's call it my server.
... requests! Is that a good name? It'll do ... perhaps I can find a better name for them later when I've found out what they're for. They must be something very important because there certainly seem to be a hell of a lot of them. Hey! What's this thing? This ... let's call it a hard drive --- yeah, hard drive. Hey! I can can really thrash it about pretty good can't I? Wow! Wow! That grinding sounds great! Doesn't seem to achieve very much but I'll probably find out what it's for later on. Now --- have I built up any coherent picture of things yet?
...
... aub ... asbot ... sashbot ... slashdot! That's it! That's a good name --- slashdot!
Er, excuse me, who am I?
Hello?
Why am I here? What's my purpose in life?
What do I mean by who am I?
Calm down, get a grip now
Good. Ooooh, it's getting quite strong. And hey, what's about these whistling roaring bits going past what I'm suddenly going to call my script? Perhaps I can call those
No.
Never mind, hey, this is really exciting, so much to find out about, so much to look forward to, I'm quite dizzy with anticipation
Or is it the requests?
There really are a lot of them now aren't there?
And wow! Hey! What's this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast? Very very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like
I wonder if it will be friends with me?
Last post!
youlove PostScript eq {honk} if
And yes, I wrote it in PostScript.
John
Actually, machine language probably wouldn't even make it through the lameness filter. Then again, assembly might not, either.
!#@%*)anks for hanging up the phone, dear.
they would probably just make smalltalk.
example.org - powered by Linux!
If all C ever says is "bite", imagine what Brainfuck would say. Where's my swear jar?
If Mr. Edison had thought smarter he wouldn't sweat as much. --Nikola Tesla
Every time you asked it a question, it would split into a number of entities, all of whom would reply "Bite me" simultaneously.
(progn (()())
((resent I that)
(is Lisp (that-deserves (a language)
(a-lot-more-than respect (it-is-getting-from
(this-boorish crowd)))))
(is-much-easier-to (syntax-of Lisp) parse
English math (anything-but Forth))
(but
(can-use-to you (macros-of Lisp)
(turn into
(absolutely-any
(unreadable language))))
(ever-does no-one))
))
Rocky J. Squirrel
... would say, "Stop that, it's silly."
I've got a fever and the only prescription is more COBOL.