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If Programming Languages Could Speak
HealYourChurchWebSit writes "BurningBird's "The Parable of the Languages" offers a delightfully playful answer to the the question, "[what] if programming languages could speak, really speak, not just crunch bytes and stream bits, they would have much to say that is both wise and profound.""
I love the fact that C only says, "Bite me!"
My money is on "hello world."
We can neither love nor pity nor forgive. If you make a slip in handling us you die!
I'd say php is screaming for mercy right about now, given the slashdotting fate has pushed it's way.
"I object to doing things that computers can do." -- Olin Shivers, lispers.org
How much C would a sea slug code if a sea slug could code C?
-QFortan: Kill me! Kill me! I hate my life dammit!
HTML: What do you mean, i'm not a programming language??
C: I need to kill some of my relatives.. C++ is nice, but C# is just microsoft's whore
I've found a mirror here
I hope you enjoy it as much as I didn't.
Java would say why god WHY?!?!?!?!
they said, frowning at HTML. "Listen - being listed as a programming language on some chump's resume - and it doesn't matter HOW many resumes - does not a programming language make!"
Experts agree: everything is fine.
... although it's not much of a conversationalist. It keeps trying to explain something called a "parse error"?
"Stop Anthropomorphizing Me. Instead, go outside and play".
Dr. Joseph Hairston
Superintendent, CCBC
No can do. Open source software never fails. It has no bugs and is perfect in every way. You must be using it wrong.
A converstaion would take all day.
...javascript wasn't even invited to the party. Doesn't that violate some kind of anti-discrimination law? I mean, just because it's constantly disabled doesn't mean it's not a valuable member of programming society too...
Don't blame me that I suck... Blame those guys over there... (Pointing to Macromedia)
Our development team has just finished a huge Flash MX project and they are all complaining about how it tries to be a language but it's too buggy to do anything but suck sometimes.
We'll see if things change with Flash MX for Java
"It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it."
PHP Script: Ho hum, the live of a script can be very boring, what's this? Hmm getting a lot of requests here. Well the server can handle the load. Oh wow it's getting hot in here, hey apache is giving me some signals to start rejecting people. But that apache guy sure is an asshole, I'll just ignore him, besides it's only a few requests. The server has the bandwidth and the processing power to easily handle this load, and it's probably just a spike, it'll die down soon. Hey what's that burning smell? Oh wow one of the processors died. Woah what's that puddle over there? Oh the T1's DSU just melted. So we're down to 2 processors, errr 1 processor, and the web server's connection switched over to the cable modem.
I suppose Logo would have said something, but it took him wayyy to long to travel, and it turned out he'd been heading in the wrong direction by about 10 degrees anyway.
W
-------------------
This is my SIG. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
I don't remember what its OS was called. . . probably something stupidly simple like AmigaOS. Anyway, the reason I bring it up is the Guru Meditation Error. As frustrating as it was to see this--it was an ancestor to the BSoD--at least it showed you can work in the OS business and still have a sense of humor.
!#@%*)anks for hanging up the phone, dear.
LISP is the language that discovers there is no spoon, and learns to bend itself. In so doing, it becomes master of them all.
N4st0r, trixx0r h0bb1tz0rz! Th3y st0l3 0ur pr3c10uzz!
Well, the site got crunched. Here's a text-only mirror:
Click here
Am I a hipster-doofus?
...a delightfully playful answer to the the question, "[what] if programming languages could speak, really speak, not just crunch bytes and stream bits, they would have much to say that is both wise and profound.""
Wait a second, that's not even a question. In fact, the whole statement doesn't make any sense.
"Listen child, if I have to tell you one more time to end each line with a semicolon, I'm going to smack you upside the head. And who's idea was to portray me as a Camel and Lama! How's a lady like myself going to get a man, when you look like a damn humped camel!"
Live web cams
And the Spaghetti Code said, "Goto Hell"
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
"Developers Developers Developers Developers!"
!#@%*)anks for hanging up the phone, dear.
You appear to be writing a buffer overflow. Would you like me to start the wizard for that?
Overrated / Underrated : Moderation
Is it just me, or did all of the languages come off as whiny little primadonnas, complaining that they are not loved and worshipped as much as they themselves think they should be?
For some strange reason, this strikes me as appropriate.
God invented whiskey so the Irish would not rule the world.
If you'd read the story you would have seen that basic indeed did show up. He had to be helped to stand in alphabetical order because he never did learn the alphabet.
Larry Wall would make them carp, croak, cluck, and confess.
"first post"
Do you think anyone would actually understand it?
Somewhat on topic, is SQL considered a "programming language"? And if so, what would MySQL say (especially on /.'s servers)?
Overrated / Underrated : Moderation
If perl could talk, it would be the ultamate in l33t speak.
and Assembley would sound like Rainman... constantly muttering and repeating itself. 48 Matches... definately 48...
Cobol: Please! Disconnect my life support and let me die.
Damn, why did OCaml and Scheme have to be left out of the fun of beating the shit out of the evil that is known as XML? Especially considering that OCaml could fuckin annihilate most of the other languages present, except for Lisp and C (and that's just because C does its bidding outside of the world of high level languages); with that in mind, it could really pound the crap out of XML.
Assembly: Listen to you young whipper-snappers whine. In my day we walked through 10 miles of printouts without any shoes, and we liked it!
Then raw binary spoke up and said: Feet? You had feet?
(The punch line is stolen from somebody, but I can't remember who)
For all intensive purposes, "whom" is no longer a word. That begs the question, "who cares"?
Naw, the visual studio gang is having a big all night party on top of a pile of money at a compound that makes the Playboy mansion look like an outhouse.
I don't need no instructions to know how to rock!!!!
Born to be the universal languange, but only few really use it.
-=-=-=-=
I know life isn't fair, but why can't it ever be un-fair in MY favor!?
"When relegated to obscure embedded applications, look as good you will not."
speaks just like yoda - "world hello, I am"
I've been in touch with Shelley (the author) via email. I've been trying to convince her to write a SQL based upon some higher level languages. I could only imagine the derision for nasties such as dBase, PowerBuilder and Access. Hopefully they get the crap kicked out of them as well.
--- have you healed your church website?
Lisp would blow out rings of sweet smoke, as it rests back on its arm ..."
chair, whispering "nice try kids, but not quite the real thing
Gosling and Stroustrup race out of the room, fearing she might reach for
the louded revolver right beside her martini.
Got and Eraser?
Björn Stenberg & Linus Nielsen Feltzing developed this language called the Shakespeare Programming Language
Check out the The Fibonacci drama
It even compiles !!!
- Sam
Halfway through I could imagine Assembler showing up with long blond hair, a torque, a hammer and lightning strikes...
Non-Linux Penguins ?
Well I wouldn't make such conclusions quite yet. Firstly, shortly after Visual Studio.NET (which in essence is .NET) was released, there was a buffer overflow found in, ironically (truly ironically), a security feature intended to thwart buffer overflows. Secondly, there have been 2 service packs already for the .NET Foundation, and on top of that it has been very lightly exercised (extremely few websites use it, and I've yet to see a single commercial or even big shareware or freeware .NET app): Give it time. I will bet you, putting money on the table, that there will be numerous exploits for .NET as time goes by. No malice intended towards Microsoft, but rather it's just the nature of large scale software.
P.S. I love asp.net, Visual Studio.NET, etc, but I also know that Microsoft does not have a stellar security history behind it.
C'mon buddy! I know you haven't coded in a while, but I'm easy! Seriously, just a few subs and you'll be back at it, I garuntee! C'mon man, just a few lines, whattayasay? Eh? Eh?
HAHAHAHAHHA NOOB YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE A DECENT ARRAY ANYMORE!!! WORTHLESS!
Prolog would start to say something, but get stuck in a rut--stuck in a rut--stuck in a rut--...
- (Pats Pascal on the back) I still use ya, bud.
haiku
/haiku
My buffer overflows;
I feed script kiddies so they
can auto-send mail.
This space for rent.
What the heck sort of name is Bjarne Stroustrup? And how do you pronounce that anyway...
w av
Then the clouds would part and in a booming voice it would ring out for all to hear:
http://www.research.att.com/~bs/pronounciation.
come on fhqwhgads
Some ANSI C code of mine (this is simple stuff -- i've only been working with C on-and-off for a year or so -- I'm a Visual Basic refugee) compiles perfectly with gcc, which isn't surprising since I wrote it for gcc & linux. However, trying to do a Windows port of my program (shameless plug) with only Visual C++ available to me right now is a *real* pain. It compiles, but certain perfectly acceptable C statements get somehow FUBARed, and the program turns out weird numbers. I'm not enough of a Windows programmer to understand what's wrong, sadly. Maybe cygwin...
So VC++ and it's merry band are probably standing outside the gates laughing at the "real" standards as they try to interoperate with the de facto standards. Grrr...
Python would sit in the corner and laugh at the other programming languages.
The Tao of Programming
Who plays whom?
LISP: Yoda.
C: Construction worker. Wearing plaid. With "F*** you" on the front of his shirt.
C++: Two-headed construction worker. Exists in five dimensions. At certain plane intersections, looks like C, at others like Java, and sometimes resembles nothing so much as a confused little boy holding TNT.
Perl: A mobius strip.
PHP: A two dimensional drawing of a human interleaved in slices with a three-dimensional rendered version of Perl.
Eiffel and other purely-functional languages: a perfectly-symmetrical, beautiful woman. She's not too fast, up in the head, but she's got a GORGEOUS pair of legs.
C#: A small, annoying entity grafted onto the leg of Bill Gates, a giant who carries a sledgehammer labelled "Visual Studio". It's a very pretty sledgehammer.
Jouster
this is too damn funny. full mirror. courtesy, you friendly neighbourhood mirror-man.
There's nothing special about the well designed languages (or the poorly designed ones). They were all designed by people who had reasons for doing what they did. Why not just ask those people for their insights?
Oh shit! I forgot to click "Post Anonymously"...
Ok, I was away for a little while, but the first link in a google search for "buffer overflow"+microsoft+.net resulted in this article about a buffer overflow in VC++.net compiled code. True, I've never actually used any of the MS development tools; this was just tongue-in-cheek humor. We return you now to your regularly scheduled /.
Overrated / Underrated : Moderation
Zeroeth post!
Infuriate left and right
I feel your pain -- I'm taking a course using C++ and my code compiles and runs just peachy on gcc/linux but VC++ is giving me this one error that I cannot figure out. Of course, when I went back to try again the compile froze, I gave it the three-finger-salute and windows froze. Every so often I'm reminded why I switched in the first place.
What's happening? PHP thought.
... oh! this is an interesting sensation, what is it? It's a sort of ... heavy, loaded sensation in my ... my ... well I suppose I'd better start finding names for things if I want to make any headway in what for the sake of what I shall call an argument I shall call cyberspace, so let's call it my server.
... requests! Is that a good name? It'll do ... perhaps I can find a better name for them later when I've found out what they're for. They must be something very important because there certainly seem to be a hell of a lot of them. Hey! What's this thing? This ... let's call it a hard drive --- yeah, hard drive. Hey! I can can really thrash it about pretty good can't I? Wow! Wow! That grinding sounds great! Doesn't seem to achieve very much but I'll probably find out what it's for later on. Now --- have I built up any coherent picture of things yet?
...
... aub ... asbot ... sashbot ... slashdot! That's it! That's a good name --- slashdot!
Er, excuse me, who am I?
Hello?
Why am I here? What's my purpose in life?
What do I mean by who am I?
Calm down, get a grip now
Good. Ooooh, it's getting quite strong. And hey, what's about these whistling roaring bits going past what I'm suddenly going to call my script? Perhaps I can call those
No.
Never mind, hey, this is really exciting, so much to find out about, so much to look forward to, I'm quite dizzy with anticipation
Or is it the requests?
There really are a lot of them now aren't there?
And wow! Hey! What's this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast? Very very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like
I wonder if it will be friends with me?
Last post!
youlove PostScript eq {honk} if
And yes, I wrote it in PostScript.
John
Is a very good public speaker, but you should resist the urge to put him in a play. He will take the director literally and "break a leg" the day of the show.
[/rimshot]
Who did what now?
they would probably just make smalltalk.
example.org - powered by Linux!
It's late on a friday night -- so nothing witty here;
... ...
but seriously though -- what do you think verilog / VHDL will say?
and then we have the lego-mindstorm language (whatever it's called)
and then of course we have the ever-pleasure-to-work-with:
* Malbolge
* INTERCAL
* brainf**k
My life in the land of the rising sun.
If all C ever says is "bite", imagine what Brainfuck would say. Where's my swear jar?
If Mr. Edison had thought smarter he wouldn't sweat as much. --Nikola Tesla
but you can turn Jaguar into a talking cat.
I apologize for the awful pun...
"However," replied the universe, "The fact has not created in me A sense of obligation."
Sub little_language_that_tried()
Dim my_brain as string
my_brain = "simple mind"
Do while my_brain = "simple mind"
Debug.Print "I think I can.. ";
Loop
End Sub
If they could speak it could be proof that it really is a language and make code everywhere unpatentable.
C: hey, i like them (mostly) all men, and knowing me inside out, else they can flirt with me. And being meticulous and fanatics. We like to play dirty.
:(
C++: wack, I am like you C!!! But i'm sad, because they treat me as if i was an object.
Java: dude, that's not the worst. They not oly treat me just like an object, they expect me to suck their nuts in any room, anytime
PHP: Ah, well, love is tough. I am easy to get along with. I have a wider audience. They love me, as I don't press them hard. That's your problem, guys. Anyway, most of my lovers expect me to serve them, so they are not much better. But I have tons of them!
C++: Good tip PHP...You are not as pretty as we are, but you fullfill their needs. But you can only do it at the porche. We can do it in the entire house, in rooms, in cars! Ok, JAVA can do it ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, but we can also do that if they give a love and care.
PHP: well...true. The thin...
XML: HEY. Assholes, I like all your bitches, they belong to me now. I will let you all live as long as you don't piss me off. OK (gun pointed at them)...
(well, these discussion could take months... so i leave other languages comments for yourself...but a note: PERL would be just plain "censored" if allowed to speak here).
unfinished: (adj.)
... would say, "Stop that, it's silly."
I've got a fever and the only prescription is more COBOL.
It's quite possible you've hit a bug in VC++, but not that likely. Recent versions have been pretty good on standards compliance in both the compiler and the library, and IME it's as likely that you're using some non-standard extension in gcc than that VC++ is at fault. Have you tried posting your code on a C++ newsgroup and asking if it's all portable? What was the error message?
If you disagree, post your argument. (-1, Overrated) isn't your personal censorship tool for views you don't like.
I thought I was odd for reaching at QuickBASIC every time I quickly needed to parse a list. (No, I don't have Perl or the like installed on this Win machine.)
Note to M1-ers: a curt but otherwise insightful message is not "Flamebait" or "Troll".
There is a glaring omission of the ONE language that ALL programmers know: profanity! ;^)
Yes, thank you.
If you disagree, post your argument. (-1, Overrated) isn't your personal censorship tool for views you don't like.
Hmm, okay, I may have been mistaken. Thanks for the correction!
I was actually thinking of Haskell last night, but forgot the name.
Jouster
C: supersonic M-1 tank
C++: World War II battleship
Java: Batman weapons
M L : Alien Weapon
Assembly: trench warfare
Lisp (scheme): catapult launched lisp programmers
perl: sawed-off shotgun with bayonet
Fortran: Morning Star
Pascal: play school "my first M-16"
Basic: capgun
visual languages : Nintendo games
Postscript: drowning in paper
COBOL: cursed dagger -2
ObjectiveC: alien tank
csh: pipe bomb
Prolog: dumbest of smart bombs
Python: It's just a pile of tinker toys, whoever said it made a good weapon? But gosh darn it, it's modular and clean.
perl: Pathologically Eclectic Rocket Launcher
Ada: Garaunteed Military Grade Weaponry, Sir!
Start Running Better Polls
No worse overall than any other mainstream compiler of its time, really, though.
That relates to debugging, not compiling, IIRC, and the irritating warning is readily suppressed.
Almost all of which are either (a) eliminated if you ask it to with a compiler switch, or (b) again, no worse than any other compiler of its generation (lack of export, etc.). The major objection to solution (a) was that it broke the libraries shipped with VC++, which is a fair point, but if it mattered, you could always download an alternative set (for free, even) that did compile under stricter compliance rules.
If you have a relatively new C++ programmer having trouble porting code from GCC to VC++, I'd still guess that it's at least as likely that the person concered is using some non-standard extensions in GCC as that VC++ actually doesn't support what they've written.
If you disagree, post your argument. (-1, Overrated) isn't your personal censorship tool for views you don't like.
Being a close relative of C, Objective-C just sent a message:
[self bite:me];
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