Family Tech Support

Donald Scott sends in this short yet resonant tale about doing tech support... for your family. A couple weeks ago I got a package from my mother in Florida. It arrived by express mail, insured for four hundred dollars. In it was a surge suppressor. One of those big rectangular jobs that your monitor sits on and your computer sits under. I recognized it as the same one that, in the mid 90s, I personally placed under the monitor and over the computer that I bought for my mother.

This computer, from "Zeos", I think, had a catchy name which I've forgotten, and was marketed as an all-in-one, "zippetty-doo-da" fast, productivity-increasing, feature-packed system, from a company who'll be there tomorrow. It was, like most computers you'd buy for your mom, immediately obsolete, but great for email. It was also great for playing computerized bridge and pinochle which is as far as my mother wants to go in computer gaming. For a couple years this Pentium 75 zippety-doo-dahed along quite happily, raising my mother's productivity considerably before trying to retire early, by pretending its motherboard was fried. Unable to convince it otherwise, I buried the "fried" motherboard unceremoniously at the curb and replaced it with one scavenged from a derelict PC carcass which was camped in my office.

This "new" PC was even faster than the previous, which made it about as current as writing email on parchment with an ostrich feather dipped in India Ink, but bought me another year of not buying a new system. That was a little over a year ago. A few months ago, that computer died too. So, a new computer was ordered, with a place to plug a complete modern life right into the back. USB ports, Serial ports, Modem Ports, Mouse ports, Ethernet, Fishnet, Parallel ports, Perpendicular ports, car ports, Video out, Video back in, and PDA handheld-infrared-ultraviolet-see-in-the-dark-intradimensional wireless toaster ports, pipe anything and everything into a tiny beige box. This box is great for email, and for playing computer bridge and pinochle.

For a month, my mother became really productive (mom's productivity is measured in forwarded joke emails), and then, abruptly, stopped being productive at all. Concerned about the uncharacteristically empty "Mother" folder in Outlook Express (a subfolder of "Deleted Items"), I sent several emails which went unanswered. It occurred to me that she might have been sucked into some port on the back of the computer and was deadlocked in a virtual game of computerized cribbage with either Keanu Reeves or a rogue supercomputer from IBM, but I didn't follow up on this. The next time I heard from her was on my answering machine - "You can cancel my internet access, I've packed up the computer and put it in the closet. Bye."

My mother's messages often sound like epitaphs, but this sounded particularly dire. I knew that either Keanu had beaten her in cribbage or her computer had died. Despite being totally generic, the new computer was still new and still under warranty, a warranty that the computer gnomes in her closet were unlikely to honor, but which my local computer supplier probably would. I took drastic measures and called her. A frustrated woman answered, close to tears "Well, it stopped getting email two months ago and then one day I turned it on and no picture showed up and I didn't want to bother you because 'You're so busy' and I know it's my fault and..."

She was not particularly helpful in troubleshooting the problem. Furthermore, the computer's condition of being unplugged in a dark closet made successful diagnostics so grim a prospect that I patiently explained the whole "gnome-warranty" thing to her and asked that she send it back to me. Swayed by my logic, she agreed, and several days later a package arrived from her.

Understandably excited by the prospect of fixing a computer I bought because it wouldn't need much fixing, I tore open the package to reveal one unremarkable, heavily over-insured surge suppressor. Remember the surge suppressor? Confusion descended. I felt as though I'd ordered a latte and been handed a stapler. Was it the words I'd used? Did the gnome story scare her? Did I say "Please just send me any object and I'll use it to fix your computer from a thousand miles away." Again, I took emergency measures and called her. I pretended that I hadn't opened the box in case it was an early Christmas present. "Please tell me this is an early Christmas present" I said. "No, it's that damned computer" was the reply that I both feared and got. Because this surge suppressor is about as mistakable for a computer as an old leather boot, I had two painful options; one of making my mother feel like a total boob, and the other of configuring an email client on a mid 90s surge suppressor. Boob it would be. I said, as delicately as possible "Mother, this isn't a computer, it's an old boot!"

On my desk now sits the multi-port roadster of a computer that arrived today from Florida. Sure enough, there's the bridge and pinochle CD still in the drive and, sure enough, it doesn't work. I suspect that the huge dent in the case, indicating some sort of collision, trauma, impact, stampede or other violence might have something to do with that. Maybe the tech gnomes took a whack at it. Whatever. She's my mother. I love her. I'll just fix it.

Comments

Lack of Equipent

[KosovoYankee]

The trouble with doing tech support for your family, especially if they live in another city, is that I never have the right equipment or software with me to solve what would be a pretty simple issue if only I had a second pc with access to the internet....

Re:Lack of Equipent

[Koyaanisqatsi]

I know. And that's why I *allways* have a Knoppix CD with me.

Saves so much time!

Re:Lack of Equipent

[tedgyz]

I have started to assemble a "toolkit" with all my critical fixit software. I also am trying to get an equivalent hardward toolkit with a variety of cables, a spare HD, etc. I figure the family isn't going to go away, do I might as well do my duty.

Re:Lack of Equipent

[Anonymous Coward]

I think it's the new open source businessmodel!

1) Write free stuff.
2) ?
3) Sell tech support to your family.
4) Profit!

Re:Lack of Equipent

[egreB]

And furthermore, it seems that family always thinks that any computer related problem can be solved over the phone in a matter of minutes. "Hey, just call $YourName! He'll know what to do."

Granted, some problems can be solved per voice ("click the Start-button in the leftmost corner of your screen, choose Find, and Files and Folders. Type the name of the file you're looking for"), but the vast majority of the problems requires you to actually sit down at the computer.

(And, since this is Slashdot, the obligatory pro.-Linux/Mac disclaimer):
The (albeit few) family members (and others) that has a Linux distribution haven't got nearly as much troubles as the ones using That-Other system. People using Macs hardly ever has problems. Hm..

Re:Lack of Equipent

[slide-rule]

My recent trip to see [the wife's] family was an interesting comedy of errors with their various computers. Between three households and three computers, not one of them was in sufficient working order for me to do anything to them. ( One, a laptop, had the keyboard die *that morning*; another had been in "the shop" since the day before and, given the holiday nature of things, wasn't back home and plugged in until we were leaving; the last one was bootable and semi-functional, but needed a massive boatload of system / driver / software updates... this particular one on the same phone line as the single voice line and pointing to a shared ISP account with someone else that was "busy" when I did manage to make the thing dial. God... it was ugly).

I think I've decided that, next similar trip, I'll just have to have finally bought a nice laptop... either that or *carefully* pack a suitcase with spare HD, NIC, modem, screwdriver, and various boot-up / install / rescue disks as I can manage. I remember a period of time about ten years ago when hardware was *SO* much easier to troubleshoot. (Granted, the tech compared to today sucked, but it was a more-or-less consistent, easy to hammer into place sort of "sucked".) *sigh*

Re:Lack of Equipent

[Ashran]

> The (albeit few) family members (and others) that has a Linux distribution haven't got nearly as much troubles as the ones using That-Other system. People using Macs hardly ever has problems. Hm..
A Linux Desktop is hardly userfriendly that why you give your average mom a Windows PC.
And since she is the average mom and not a Pro-User using Linux she will have more troubles which she can't solve than the Linux guy/gal who usually is more into PC's.

Its not Windows is giving more problems - its usually less computer savy people using Windows.

Re:Lack of Equipent

[Andrewkov]

pack a suitcase with spare HD, NIC, modem, screwdriver, and various boot-up / install / rescue disks as I can manage.

Airport security won't like that at all, trust me.

Re:Lack of Equipent

[lars-o-matic]

G-d knows I'm pro-Mac, but having been The Mac Tech Guy for numerous coworkers and friends, I find people using Macs have problems about as often as Winfolken.

I will say, I solve Mac problems more easily in general, esp. OS X -- but that might be because I've been trouble shooting Macs for 15 years and NT4/2000 for only 3 years.

My 2cents...

Re:Lack of Equipent

[Martin Blank]

Critical supplies for fixing my family's Windows computers:

* Installation CDs for all versions of Windows
* CD-RWs updated with the latest service packs and patches for Windows (one for 9x, one for NT/2K/XP)
* CD-RW with various disk utilities, AV updates, Ad-Aware, etc.
* Toolkit with two of each kind of tool
* Victorinox Swiss Army Knife, computer tech edition
* Small bottle of Advil
* Several cables of varying types and lengths
* One Trident PCI 512KB VGA card -- it's old and crappy, but more reliable than anything else I have when nothing seems to want to work
* Two 32MB PC133 DIMMs
* Two 70ns 16MB SIMMs (mom's old computer)
* Small bag of various jumpers, screws (fine- and course-thread), motherboard mounts, etc.

Finally, I make sure that all of the computers have Netmeeting installed on them. I have been called more than once on some critical issue while at work, so I just connect in with NM, have them set up Desktop Sharing, and let them know when I'm done. XP's Remote Desktop is useful, but only when I don't need to see a problem replicated.

And I never, EVER go to their houses without at least my primary CD case. I can improvise on tools, but it's a pain to find cab file 17 for Windows 98SE when you have no internet access and no CDs, and the file has been deleted from the hard drive to make space ("I only had a couple of gigathings left!").

Re:Lack of Equipent

[metacosm]

The proper equipment is TightVNC -- it is the only way to help family without wanting to hurt them. It is multi-platform supports compression and is simple to install.

The steps you should tell a family member are: goto tightvnc.org ... click open, check all the boxes, click ok. Then you tell them to go to "whatismyip.com" and read you what it says

Then you are connected to their computer and can fix any software problem in 1/50th the time of trying to solve it over the phone.

Re:Lack of Equipent

[worst_name_ever]

As opposed to the previous open-source business model:

1) Write free stuff.
2) ???
3) Get supported by your family.
4) Profit!

;)

Re:Lack of Equipent

[mstockman]

I have used various flavors of VNC (don't forget about RealVNC) to support friends and family across the country. (And one memorable experience talking a new Mac OS X user into enabling SSH so I could connect and figure out where all of her disk space had suddenly gone).

I have found that the most difficult part by far is talking them through opening a port in their plug-it-in-and-turn-it-on NAT router (Linksys, usually) for whatever connection I'm trying to establish. Especially when each router has a different UI.

So, I agree that remote connections are *the* way to go when helping family long-distance, I also wanted to point out that there are more steps than "just install it and I'll take it from there."

Re:Lack of Equipent

[mivok]

Okay.. I dont have mod points to mod you up, so I'll have to reply instead.

Half the family/friends tech support calls I get are...
'I can't get it on the internet! Make it work'

Re:Lack of Equipent

[slide-rule]

I suppose then that also packing a CD->soundcard wire and a glob of silly putty would be bad, too? ;-) (I was more meaning in checked luggage, not carry on, though if they're x-raying that too, well, it'd be more hassle than *my* family's worth.)

Re:Lack of Equipent

[mivok]

You missed:
- Coffee beans/grinder/caffetiere
- Sledgehammer
- Padlock to lock family members in another room when they start screaming at you for opening the pc.
"YOU'RE GONNA BREAK IT!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!"

Of course, you could use the sledgehammer instead of the padlock, or improvise with some rope, but all 3 of those are VERY important tools.

Re:Lack of Equipent

[Chaswell]

Flying one way from Denver to Florida 5 months ago. I was moving, so I had my entire network, laptop, cables, power strips, etc all loaded into my laptop backpack (LOVE IT!) which I normally carry on the plane. Man did the security hate me, I was stopped 3 times (note the one way ticket) and had to identify every part and cable in my case. "Yes, ma'am, that's a hub, that's a wireless hub, that's a router, that's patch cable, that's more patch cable just different color, that's my mouse, yes it does look different and small, that's just a power strip, and that is a power cable." The whole time wondering why it mattered that I name every piece, like they knew or like I would slip up and say, "that is the C-4 enclosed in a linksys router.....damn busted!"

Re:Lack of Equipent

[MrResistor]

And I'll admit that comptuer-common-sense (CCS, perhaps?) is quite a part of the problem/solution/issue. But it seems to me that CCS is more commonly available, so to speak, on Macs (and to a certain degree, Linux (and/or $YourFavouriteFreeOS)).

I think that most of the time a person who buys a Mac at least knows enough about computers that they know they want a Mac. They may not know more than that, but at least that's better than nothing. On the Windows side you have all the people who just want a computer and don't want to spend much money on it.

Now that I think about it, price is probably an advantage for Mac as well, at least in the clueful user sense. Macs cost more, and are therefore likely to be bought by someone who makes more money. Someone who makes more money likely has more education, and is therefore more likely to have previous computer experience.

That's just off the top of my head, though. I could be wrong.

Re:Lack of Equipent

[donutz]

The steps you should tell a family member are: goto tightvnc.org ... click open, check all the boxes, click ok. Then you tell them to go to "whatismyip.com" and read you what it says

But when your mom is running a non-port-forwarding dsl router, or you forgot to forward the VNC port when you set everything up for her (oops!), then you need to have her start up VNC, then right click the tray icon and choose "Add New Client". Tell her to type your IP address there (because you already set up your end to forward port 5500 to your desktop and started VNCViewer in listen mode) and bickety bam! You're connected.

Re:Lack of Equipent

[Anonymous Coward]

Small bottle of Advil

And for thoae very desperate cases, a small bottle of cyanide. For you, or the family (whichever is appropriate).

Re:Lack of Equipent

[Anonymous Coward]

"Thats the decombobulator, thats the flux capacitor, thats a OH MY GOD, DON'T TOUCH THAT!...uh, I mean, thats a hub. *cough*"

Re:Lack of Equipent

[Ashran]

Who is maintaining the windows machine? Are you? With the same care as your own box?
Just asking :)

Sure your Box just works, as does mine - because we both take great care of the whole system.

Re:Lack of Equipent

[Dyolf Knip]

Better yet, sign them up with no-ip.com and just keep a list of what domain name corresponds to which family member. Then you can VNC in without having to trust that they can read an IP address correctly (not exactly a sure thing!) and the only time you need to do phone maintenance is if "the internet is broken!" I started doing that with every machine I built and it's such a aggravation-saver.

Re:Lack of Equipent

[4of12]

like I would slip up and say, "that is the C-4 enclosed in a linksys router.....damn busted!"

Not a chance you'd slip up there.

I can verify for an absolute certainty that particular router filled with C-4 is installed in my workplace simply by judging by how spectacularly they go down.

Re:Lack of Equipent

[ktakki]

Amen to that, but with a caveat...

With the exception of text mode, Knoppix is just too bloated for older machines, and by "older" I mean anything less than a Pentium Pro 200, and even then I doubt you'd find it usable.

I recently had to diagnose a couple of computers a friend had found while dumpster diving, a P166 and a P-II 350, both with 32MB RAM. KDE ran like frozen molasses on the 166, though it was fine in text mode and I found out what I needed to know. The 350, however, a six-year-old Dell Optiplex, GX1 wouldn't boot from the CD, not even with the boot floppy inserted in A:\ (one of its problems was a busted IDE controller). I ended up using old Slackware boot/root floppies instead.

So yeah, Knoppix is useful when it's useful, but I'd suggest having a back-up plan, like the Linux-on-a-floppy distro, or Tom's Boot Disk, or even a Windows Rescue disk or DOS boot floppy, just in case.

k.

Re:Lack of Equipent

[ncc74656]

Yeah man, share the wealth. What's this "sends their IP" script?

If you have Cygwin and mutt installed, it would be as simple as this:

#!/bin/sh

ipconfig | mutt -xs "Mom's current IP" foo@bar.com

Put the script on the desktop and you're good to go. Cygwin...it's not just for geeks anymore. :-)

(I used it on my dad's computer to take the pictures copied from his digital camera and automatically shrink them down to a size that can be emailed. All he has to do is copy the pictures into the appropriate folder and double-click the script. It then shrinks the image dimensions by 75% (it's a ~3MP camera) and applies a bit more compression than usual. It took just a few minutes to knock the script together, once I had downloaded Cygwin and netpbm.)

Re:Lack of Equipent

[MrResistor]

I have to second that.

I switched my wife over to Linux in December, and she's been pretty happy with it. The transition was painless, I basically just had to show her how to log on, how to log me out if she needed to, and how to change her wallpaper. She's pretty happy about the stability, and even happier that I'm not reinstalling the OS every few months (and in the process losing all her old saved emails).

As an added bonus, since we're on a real multi-user OS, I can still experiment with stuff without affecting her in the slightest.

I also have a daughter, who will be 3 in 1.5 months, and Linux has been great for her, too. A common complaint I hear is that Linux doesn't support kids games very well. The common response is "use wine", which is probably reasonable since most kids games seem to run best on Win98, and have problems with Win2k and XP (if they run at all). I don't know how well that works, though, as I haven't tried it. There was no need after I discovered gcompris, which is a OSS collection of kids games. It blows almost every kids game I've seen away (the one exception is The Incredible Machine, but there's no reason the gcompris folks couldn't duplicate and improve on that as well).

Most "professional" kids game developers seem to concentrate on cute, barely animated graphics and insipid songs at the expense of the learning, the gcompris games are focused on learning and don't let the graphics get in the way (and no, the graphics don't suck, either).

For example, one of my daughter's Windows games was supposed to help teach basic computer skill, like moving the mouse pointer. The mouse pointer game was basically a picture covered up by a bunch of items (coins, candy, etc) which had to be removed, and gcompris has basically the same thing, just with a white on blue grid instead of items. Unfortunately, it would often simultaneously remove an item on a different part of the screen as well, and the items could be removed simply by hitting (or banging on) keys on the keyboard, which is exactly what my daughter did instead of using the mouse. When all of the items are removed it sings a stupid song about the animal in the picture and then repeats (with a different picture being covered up by different items). The gcompris version, OTOH, requires that you actually use the mouse, and that you acually move the pointer over every box. Once the picture, which is an actual photograph of an animal (all bears, but that could just be a SuSE thing), is uncovered, you get the gcompis smiley-face-flower-thing-with-audio-"WOOHOO!!" and it goes on to the next level, which is (gasp) actually harder (which means it has smaller boxes, requiring progressively greater precision).

My daughter got bored with both of them after about the same amount of time, but at least after the gcompis one she knew how to use a mouse!

Re:Lack of Equipent

[SlipJig]

Original article:
>> I suspect that the huge dent in the case,
>> indicating some sort of collision, trauma,
>> impact, stampede or other violence might
>> have something to do with that.

Response:
> The (albeit few) family members (and others)
> that has a Linux distribution haven't got
> nearly as much troubles as the ones using
> That-Other system.

Last I checked, not even Linux could do much about a big dent in the side of a machine. Unless the dent was caused by frustration with That-Other system.

Re:Lack of Equipent

[jusdisgi]

Well, that sounds reasonable on the surface....but as it turns out, it isn't.

First I think the idea that Windows is blameless because "these people just can't use a computer" is just a struggle to let MS off a hook they hung themselves on years ago. Basically, it's this: computers are complex. If you want non-professionals to be able to interface them, you really only have 2 choices: make it a closed box that does a few things well and simply (i.e. like a mac) or defer the setup and administration to someone who knows what he/she is doing, and set up a simpler, more limited interface for everyone else (i.e. like a *nix) ...which is really just a decentralized option #1...the user is still left with a relatively few things to do, which work well and are simple.

Of course, that simple interface the admin sets up is everything. Yet Linux/Unix have many options here, and they pretty much cover all the bases.

And by the way, some of these WM's are much simpler than Windows ever was or will be. But more on that later...

The point is, Microsoft never chose one of the two options. They told the world they could have their cake and eat it to, made a system that *looks* simple, but has a ton of complexity hidden from view and waiting to break. As a consequence, most users don't have any clue how Windows works, but they feel comfortable enough that they poke around everywhere anyway. Most of us have terrible stories about windows users doing things they shouldn't have, and wouldn't have been *allowed* to do on another system. Take for example the fellow I talked to who just went through his system deleting everything he didn't recognize to save space. A *nix would not let this happen.

Someone once told me that Windows lends itself to "cowboy admining." He was right...the design encourages people who don't know enough to do what they are doing to go and do it anyway. And this goes for users too.

Oh, and that's just the part that deals with the users. It ignores the fact that sometimes parts of windows just break without any explanation, for no reason, when nothing was changed. Don't ask me to explain it.....I haven't seen the code.

But here is the main point: If a true guru, who knows both Windows and Linux extremely well, were to exert the same amount of time and energy setting up a Windows box and a Linux box for his two mothers (it's a hypothetical, give me a break!) I feel quite strongly that he would have less trouble thereafter with the Linux box. He would set that machine up with a simple window manager that allowed extremely simple running of a few programs, run ssh and vnc, and leave it alone forever.

But this isn't just a guess...my mother used Windows on a computer I set up for her for years. So did my father. But then when it came time to get my grandmother on the internet, I was assigned the task, and I figured "what the hell." I set her up a nice gnustep desktop with less than a dozen places to click, each corresponding to a program she really would use. That was 2 years ago. She is 81, and uses email, web, icq (not that much...although I do see her online and chat with her sometimes) and some games.

In those 2 years, I have not had to touch that machine.

My parents were both quite impressed. They had limited interest in Linux already, and had seen it on my computers, but they assumed it was beyond their technical skills. Seeing Granny using it daily changed their minds. When Mom's computer broke in an unpredictable way for the 30th time during that same 2 years, she asked me if we could avoid continued problems by switching her to linux. She has been running Mandrake 9 with KDE for about 6 months now, and I have not had to fix her machine in all that time. Dad, for his part, wants to make the switch, but I don't want anything to do with his rather old and crufty laptop, so we agreed that when he is ready for an upgrade, I will pick the hardware for him, and put linux on it.

So don't give m

Re:Lack of Equipent

[neuroticia]

Oh god. The "YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK IT!" thing. I can't even begin to count the times that I've heard that from distraught family members. ;)

"No, I'm going to fix it. I do this every day at work with $3,000 systems, this one is worth $50. If I break it, I'll buy you a nice new shiny one. Now be a nice little daddy/mommy/brother/sister and go take your valium."

Even more, I love the "Nahh, I don't have anything I need on that computer. You can just delete everything." To that, I nod knowingly, and copy the entire HDD over to the new one, and surely enough they panic a few hours later, and I get to pull their files out of "no where" and save the day. :p I don't know why I bother asking.

People are funny.

Oh- and my dad always wants my brother to do it instead because my brother fixes cars. :p Somehow this makes sense to him, whereas having his daughter who works with computers do anything with the family's computer, does not.

-Sara

Re:Lack of Equipent

[neuroticia]

Nah. Once he saw me tear into a computer or two he started telling me "Do this for your brother, your brother really needs you to fix his computer so he can burn CDs." It wasn't my girlness, it was because I left home at 16 and had NEVER done anything more than put my chain back onto my bike when it fell off. It was always my brother who set the digital watches, and set up the family's computer (plugging in keyboard/mouse, etc. not doing anything INSIDE the computer), etc. So while my dad theoretically knew I did this stuff, he had never seen me in action, and only knew me as the awkward 12 year old who would hit her thumb with a hammer.

I'd freak out if I saw my brother doing the laundry or something like that--because my experience with him doing the laundry is that he shrinks things, colors run, and whites end up tie-dyed gray and pink. It's been six months since I saw him last, so who knows--maybe he can do it now, but my knowledge of him is dated and would need to be refreshed before my mental image of his capabilities would change.

Not everything that looks and smells like sexism is sexism. Although your comment on my lack of equipment might be construed as such. ;) It's not THAT equipment that matters, dear. It's how you handle a screwdriver. >=] Besides, my long skinny flexible girl-hands can do more than anything YOU might have when it comes to computer equipment... Or other things for that matter. ::evil grin::

-Sara

Re:Lack of Equipent

[Pinky]

My favorite mom moment:

Her: The password doesn't work

Me : Do you have capslock on?

Her: Oh yes, I'm sorry.

Me : Ok, try again.

Her: It doens't work.

Me : Is capslock on?

Her: Yes.

Me : Could you turn it off?

Her: Oh, sorry.. [Mouse clicking sounds] Ok..

Me : Right, ok, now look on the keyboard. over to the left hand side. Is there a button on the keyboard marked "Caps Lock".

Her: Yes, and there's a little green light on.

Me : Ok, now press that button.

Her: [pause] ok. Oh the light goes off. Oh wait it's turned back on now. oh, it's off now... oh wait it's on again.. oh wait it's off again. oh now it's on again.

Me : Stop pressing the button!

Her: Oh, allright..

Me : Is the light on or off now?

Her: Which light?

Me : AGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! THE ONE YOU WERE JUST PRESSING!

Her: Oh, umm, how do I know that it's on?

Me : ...

Her: Is it on when It's lit? Ok, it's not lit now.

Me : Ok, now type in your password and press return..

Her: It's not working.. oh wait, the box has disapeared.. why has the box disapeared? oh wait something new is happening.

Me : So it's working now..

Her: [Starts reading off icon names on the desktop].. yes I think that fixed it... I can take it form here. [reads off the program name she wants to use] that's the program right?

Me :Yes, fine that sounds good.

etc...

The funny thing is, she's usualy quite sane... It's amazing what computers will do to people..

anyways...

My tech story.

[RainbowSix]

I was at a LAN party once, and my mom called me via telephone to tell me that she couldn't get the modem to disconnect from the Internet and that it was blocking the phone line. She told me over the phone that she needed the line to make a phone call.

I was speechless

Re:My tech story.

[mrpuffypants]

pffft...that's nothing

At an ISP I used to work at we once got an email that said "I can't send email."

RE: Fixed!!!!!

Re:My tech story.

[Serra]

My mother once complained that her computer wouldn't boot anymore. Eventually, I discovered she had pluged the surge protector / powerstrip into itself instead of into the electrical socket on the wall.

"Uh, were you trying to surge protect the surge protector?"

Re:My tech story.

[cHiphead]

actually thats a fairly common occurence.

people see 'mailer DEMON, FATAL error' return mail and think they're going to hell for emailing a bad address.

Re:My tech story.

[Theodore Logan]

Note: this is unrelated to your post. I'm only replying because I don't want to start a new thread, in the vain hope that perhaps we could gather all personal tech support stories in a tree with your post as the root.

Right, anyway. A couple of years ago, when the Internet was still something relatively new, my father was going to buy a new computer, and I had joined him to the store to make sure he didn't do anything stupid. He said to the clerk in the store that he wanted to search the internet with his new computer, and that was about it. The clerk replied that, well, in that case just about any computer they had would do, so he might as well go for the cheapest. My dad knew that the Internet was quite large, and so figured that searching all of it would require a powerful computer. Thus he queried why any piece of junk would do for that purpose. The clerk patiently explained in great detail that it isn't really your computer that does all the searching, but you tell another computer on the Internet that you want to do a search, and then that computer, usually some massive supercomputer or a cluster, will do it for you and return the result. My dad was quiet for a while, thinking, and then replied: "Oh, so it's really those massive supercomputers that do the searching?" Looking at me, confused: "So I need to buy a supercomputer, then?"

I was halfway out of the store by then. Young and easily embarrassed.

Re:My tech story.

[kasparov]

Not exactly computer related, but my ex-mother-in-law certainly has some technology/physics issues. She once told me a story about why she hated flying. She argued with me for an hour about the time she was on a 747 trying to land in St. Louis and the flight went pretty well until the pilot stopped the plane in mid-air because they were in a "holding pattern" and could not land.

I tried to explain aerodynamics and lift, but she said "I don't know, but they did stop the plane and it was very bumpy. I hate flying." Sometimes it's really hard not to just laugh in the face of your relatives...

Re:My tech story.

[Anonymous Cow herd]

Heh... that reminds me... a co-worker used to own one of the large ISP's in town, and was the mail admin there... some users inspired him to set up a little page called Dear Mailer Daemon. Muy funny.

Re:My tech story.

[jgardn]

Dude, I read that as "my mom called me via television" and I missed the punchline several times.

I need to go home now.

Re:My tech story.

[Punk Walrus]

Even better, from the old DOS days...

Guy calls up, furious we hate handicapped people, and goes on and on about how the country has ripped him off since Vietnam and so on. The tech goes, "Wait, what? Slow down? Who said our systems insulted you because you're handicapped?"

DOS said "Invalid command or parameter." The tech explained what that meant, and that it wasn't calling him an "invalid." Good laughs are had by both sides.

Re:My tech story.

[Kiwi]

Once, the ISP I used to work for got an email that said only this: "We lost the big bunny".

We still don't know if the kids were playing around with the email, or if the person was smoking something.

- Sam

Tech support for your family??

[Chazmyrr]

Short answer: Don't do it.

Long Answer: Don't do it. It isn't worth the aggravation. When something goes wrong, it's automatically your fault. It doesn't matter they dropped the box while they were moving and unseated the boards. It's still your fault. It doesn't matter that they tested the huge electro- magnet for the science fair project right next to the hard drive. They still expect you to fix it over the phone.

If they can't put it together themselves after you tell them what parts to get and install an OS on their own, just let them buy the Dell and deal with their tech support department.

Re:Tech support for your family??

[true_majik]

Chazmyrr says: Long Answer: Don't do it. It isn't worth the aggravation. When something goes wrong, it's automatically your fault. It doesn't matter they dropped the box while they were moving and unseated the boards. It's still your fault. It doesn't matter that they tested the huge electro- magnet for the science fair project right next to the hard drive. They still expect you to fix it over the phone.

This is one reason I stay away from building custom PC's for relatives. If the PC breaks down, they expect me to fix it ASAP. It doesn't matter that they download and execute every file e-mailed to them, or that they click on YES for every Active-X control in websites, or as Bull999999 already mentioned (a.k.a. AOL, Real Player, Bonzi Buddy, Hot Bar, etc)...No, it's my fault. :(

Re:Tech support for your family??

[Ballsy]

...and then, if even for only a moment, remind yourself that they provided for you for at least the first dozen or so years of your life, and that this is really a small favour for them to ask in the grand scheme of things.

Re:Tech support for your family??

[Bonker]

I will build PC's for my family members.

I will install hardware for my family members.

I will install software for my family members.

I will, under no circumstances, later support any of that for the same reasons. When something goes wrong, it's *always* your fault.

Heaven help you if they actually watch you doing the install, too. My father-in-law, god bless him, is pretty handy with a Vic 20 or a Commodore 64's BASIC interperator. He can type in games straight from the 'Big Book of BASIC games' and then save them to cassette tape so he can play them again later.

When he got a Windows computer a little while back, he was fairly dissapointed that he could not program the machine. I copied over a copy of QBasic for him, thinking that all his old BASIC stuff would still work in it, even if he had to re-type all of it. Later, I even gave him an old MS Visual Basic 4 CD that came with a book I had to buy for a college course.

Unfortuneately, when he tried to install a new modem in his computer, I got called to clean up the mess. (This was the last time I ever did support for him.) At one point, he saw me fiddle with the COM ports in the PC's BIOS.

"Is this where you program the computer?" he asked me, quite seriously.

I should have known right then what I had inadvertantly done. A few days after I got the modem installed and working correctly, he called me again, quite upset that his computer would no longer work. It must have been the crappy modem driver software I installed.

When I arrived, not only had EVERY single BIOS setting been changed, but the defaults had been wiped out. His BIOS had a 'Save', 'Save Defaults', and a 'Revert to Defaults', but not a 'Factory Defaults' switch.

I couldn't even boot a DOS floppy to try to flash it. It took a long, long time to make that computer work right again.

Re:Tech support for your family??

[hazem]

That's great for my parents - I'll fix their computers any time. But what about aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. No thanks!

I got in this trap a couple years ago and built some computers for relatives that lived 90 miles away. The computers worked well, but as mentioned before, they would install every little thing that came alog. I soon burned up days of time and $$ in gas - It would have been better if I had simply bought them the Dell.

Re:Tech support for your family??

[bongk]

It saddens me that so many people have this attitude. I do tech support for a lot of the people in my (extended) family.

However, in my family, if you can do it, you just do it. My uncle who is a plumber gave my hundreds of dollars worth of pipe, etc when I was remodeling (not to mention lots of advice). And he's roto-rooted our drain for free. Another uncle lets me hunt his 40 acres of prime forest. My in-laws sanded and refinished our floors. I could go on and on.

You just help out if you have the skills, and don't worry about what your getting in return. It all comes around.

Re:Tech support for your family??

[greysky]

Mom's car need an oil change? Don't do it. She'll only blame you when the car eventually breaks down.

Dad need help putting up new drywall? Don't do it. He'll only blame you when there's water damage.

Sis need help picking out a PDA? Don't do it. She'll only blame you if it doesn't work just right.

Friend need a ride to the airport? Don't do it. He'll only blame you for the turbulence.

Girlfriend need a cat-sitter? Don't do it. She'll only blame you when it dies a month later.

Re:Tech support for your family??

[prozac79]

This is one reason I stay away from building custom PC's for relatives. If the PC breaks down, they expect me to fix it ASAP.

I've moved my family from my custom-build creations to good old machines from Dell, Gateway, and IBM. The problem... even if I didn't build the computer they still expect me to fix it and I still get blamed for everything (as if all tech people know each other and it is some large conspiracy). Afterall, it is so much easier for my mom to call me with her computer problems then to call or email Dell tech support. You see, my mom can't give the Dell support rep a guilt-trip in the same manner she can give me one.

Re:Tech support for your family??

[SScorpio]

Just do what Dell, Gateway, etc do.

Create a bootable CD that when placed in the drive reimages it to what it originally was when you gave it to them. To make it easier, setup their computer's ISP and such and then make the image.

Sure they lose files; however, it's what most computer companies make you do. You could always move My Docs, Favs, etc to another partition that doesn't get overwritten if you really care.

Re:Tech support for your family??

[gl4ss]

well.. custom built pc's for relatives have their plus sides too, they're easy to upgrade, you _KNOW_ what parts are in there(unlike typical dell*), replacement parts are available for pennies still after couple of years(where they might not be available at all for the computers built of non-standard parts.).

it's just best to make them understand that the magic you do to their machines isn't real magic but just something they can do by themselfs if they can read.

and not even trying to do over the phone support on issues that are too complicated to walk through , or nearly impossible to get the right information for diagnosis over the phone.

it sucks having to go to somebodys place and open up their computers beforehand to just know if they can buy that agp card or not.

Re:Tech support for your family??

[chhamilton]

true_majik says: This is one reason I stay away from building custom PC's for relatives. If the PC breaks down, they expect me to fix it ASAP. It doesn't matter that they download and execute every file e-mailed to them, or that they click on YES for every Active-X control in websites, or as Bull999999 already mentioned (a.k.a. AOL, Real Player, Bonzi Buddy, Hot Bar, etc)...No, it's my fault. :(

I repeatedly came up against this problem. Having built my mother's computer, and performed ongoing tech support, things really fell to pieces when I moved 300 miles away. In fact, after only 4 months (with lots of over-the-phone tech support), the computer was so clogged with drive-by-downloads/trojans/viruses that it completely stopped functioning. Over Thanksgiving I cleaned everything up, put on AdAware and various Anti-Trojan/Anti-Virus programs, and hoped for the best. By Christmas, it was totally screwed again! This is due in large part to my younger siblings clicking yes to every offer of increased download speed, enhanced surfing experience, etc... (not to mention my 15 year old brothers penchant for internet pr0n)

It had gotten so bad that I had to take the nazi-sysadmin route, upgrade them to Win2K, create every family member individual accounts, and then severely restrict them so that they could no longer download/install new crap. After a little education about reading email, a scheduled virus/trojan/spyware cleanup, and a new firewall, things have finally smoothed out a bit.

I'm sure everybody here has similar experiences... it just seems that the geek of every family gets automatically assigned tech support duties. Hell, my family complains that they never hear from me, but the only time I hear from them is when it's computer related!

Re:Tech support for your family??

[crazyphilman]

In all seriousness, though...

The only people I help with computer-related problems are my mother and father, and possibly my sister, and then, ONLY on the weekends. My approach is, if something is seriously wrong with the computer, they turn off the power and I look into it on Saturday morning. Telephone tech support NEVER works... Unless you enjoy frustration, that is.

The nice thing is, this works out very comfortably. I can generally straighten out the problem without too much trouble, and they appreciate it. They're cool, they usually give me a beer, or some iced tea, etc, and it ends up being a pretty good time.

I think the main thing is, as long as no one tries to take advantage of you, it can stay friendly and be a relatively cool thing. It's all about mutual respect.

Re:Tech support for your family??

[dlakelan]

And that's exactly the way it ought to be. I feel so sad for these guys here who feel like they're being taken advantage of.

I liked Paul Graham's observation about italian teenagers in his article on nerd unpopularity. The italians don't have as many seriously disturbed nerdy teens, in large part because their families support each other and become the most important part of their lives.

Of course there's always Philip Greenspun's guide to Java Monkeys to support those of us who are being taken advantage of.

I helped my Fiancee buy a used laptop for her mom. Yes, I've spent several hours on "tech support" over the phone from 3000 miles away. I just feel that it's more than enough to repay them for the way they treat me when I fly out for holidays, and the interesting things I learn from them.

I also think it's worth it because they obviously get a lot out of internet access. Her mom is a library fiend, constantly checking out books on myriad topics, now she also has access to a world of information that doesn't require reserving books, or driving out in 3 feet of snow.

If you're really getting steamed about tech support, perhaps it's time to take more control over how it works?

there's nothing that beats Knoppix for ease of use, easy recovery, and local and remote administration.

Re:Tech support for your family??

[cascadefx]

I agree with this. My uncle, God bless him, helped me out a ton while I was in college and beyond (loans, meals, a place to stay, extra cash...).

He actually asks me for help all the time and I am glad to help. The other day, he custom cut a new shower curtain rod for me with this metal working tools.

I don't know my way around a workshop and he doesn't know how to offload his digital pictures from his camera. Stuff works itself out.

Re:Tech support for your family??

[penginkun]

(not to mention my 15 year old brothers penchant for internet pr0n)

You need to introduce him to the joys of Usenet. All the pr0n you can use, 24/7/365. It's a beautiful thing.

Erm...so I've been told, anyway...

Re:Tech support for your family??

[Grizzlysmit]

I can see both sides of this, it all depends what your family is like mine are all pretty smart, so stuff doesn't go in one ear and out the other, also I not the only geek, so that means we can help eachother, plus share look out for the non geeks in the fam, (big big family -- roman catholic parents), but if my family abused me when they stuffed things up, blamed me for every problem, then I'd probably feel like some of these others. But as it is I lucky, my family repects my proffesional opinion, every one appreciates what other family member do for them. I'm just sad for folk who have such unreasonable families.

Not quite family but...

[xXunderdogXx]

The night before I left on a plane to another province my girlfriend reminded me that I promised to install her CD-Burner that she got for Christmas. Now, realizing that when I'm away from home it will be much much more difficult to guide her through the process than it would be to stay up at 3 am and install her burner.

After successfully installing the burner and saying our goodbyes, I took off for a 4 month stint in a new province.

Well she got what she wanted and dumped me over the phone! I guess the reverse is true for dumping- it's easier to dump long distance than to deliver tech support.

Lesson: Never solve your girlfriends computer problems completely or she'll devalue your relationship.

Re:Not quite family but...

[Brian Stretch]

So she was just using you for techs?

Re:Not quite family but...

[cHiphead]

you were suppose to have vnc running on her machine for 'tech purposes for when it breaks' (only if she asks what the icon is), then when she breaks up with you, slowly and methodically extract your revenge.

Or just go get a new woman.

Re:Not quite family but...

[finkployd]

Lesson: Never solve your girlfriends computer problems completely or she'll devalue your relationship./

Ugh
My ex dumped me after five years of not wanting to hear anything about "that stupid Linux thing" (not that I ever tried to push it on her or talked about it all the time or anything). Now, months after the breakup, her boss at work installs Linux on all their computers. Now she decides she loves it and now thinks I'm her personal Linux support/training/guru. The irony just kills me. Of course, I'm providing her some help because...well...I'm an idiot.

Finkployd

Re:Not quite family but...

[Anonymous Coward]

Of course, I'm providing her some help because...well...I'm an idiot.

You're helping her because you have a penis. This is very similar to being an idiot, so it's hard to tell the difference.

To spot the difference, try this: if her calls are predictable, jack off right before her next call. If you still help her, yeah, you're an idiot. If you're able to resist her soon after jacking off, your problem is with your penis-to-brain interface.

Hope this helps,
Penis Technical Support

Family Tree Tech support: Wood for the fire....

[L0stb0Y]

Ok, this has *long* been a pain for me: Family Tech Support...

Because you *can't* just tell them to go pound sand, or just tell them that they are stupid....

And you want so badly for them to understand...but walking them through things on the phone- no more, stop, please....

Ok, but the WORST part about family tech support is when they start telling their friends, neighbors, etc, that they have a son (or daughter) that can help them too...suddenly its like when you have a truck: you help everyone move- A tech family member: you fix every damn computer in their circle of friends. Hell, it's getting so bad with my family that I think before too long Kevin Bacon is going to call me and ask me to fix his computer....

Kill me now...

Re:Family Tree Tech support: Wood for the fire....

[gblues]

There's a solution to that:

Charge money.

I do tech support for several of my in-laws. I have no problem doing it, because I charge them $25/hour to do the work. And they're fine with it.

Now my parents are another story, but.. well, they're my parents. And my mom is a geek-in-denial so when it breaks I can be reasonably sure that it's really broken. :)

Nathan

Re:Family Tree Tech support: Wood for the fire....

[fishbowl]

"Because you *can't* just tell them to go pound sand, or just tell them that they are stupid...."

Your family operates on a completely different level of diplomacy than mine ever did.

"suddenly its like when you have a truck: you help everyone move"

I'm seeing a pattern here. You are responsible for allowing yourself to be persuaded. I'll bet there are people with trucks who said "no" before they called you...

Fix it now, young man!

[Anonymous Coward]

And stop wasting time posting on slashdot!

-- Your Mom

The inherent dangers of the job

[Ogrez]

In my own personal experience, being a computer professional is like being a car mechanic... Your family and friends, and even people you dont know expect you to fix their computer problems all the time. Not a week goes by that I dont have 10 people at work telling me about their computer problems, another 5 at home (neighbors, ect) and family is the worst... At a certain point I became like the computer guy on SNL... Its parody, but true, most of the time the problem can only be fixed by saying "MOVE"...

ooh! while you're here...

[HugoQuixote]

Anyone who works in technical support will know, and most certainly dread this phrase and other similar sentences...

I know I get it all the time - friends, girlfriend, ex-girlfriends, parents, ex-girlfriend's parents, people who live down the road, colleague's friends and family even. Once someone knows that you work in a helpdesk or tech support environment - that's it, bub.

Doomed to be that guy who can "Have a look" and sort it out.

Sounds like my folks

[gwizah]

My Dad, Greatest guy in the world he is, Somehow lost sound in his HP PC I got him 3 years ago.

I failed to notice until a few weeks ago while I was visiting. I saw that for some strange reason there was what appeared to be a tiny white cord dangling from beneath the front cover of the machine. I looked closely at it and realized it was a earbud. Not just any earbud. It was one of those tiny little white ones that still come with cheap AM/FM radios. You know? The one's you use when you listen to the radio in your bed and don't want to wake your wife. SO here sat this tiny little white earbud (actually yellowed since it was probably around the house since the 70's) sitting on his desk. I asked him why he needed it? (Perhaps silent viewing of video files or music?)

No, he didnt have sound. "The sound thingamajig is busted" he said. I take a look at the rear of the PC and notice the speaker wire is missing. SO I scrounge beehind the desk and plug it back in. The speakers are now functional again. I ask him when the sound stopped working and he says, "Oh about a year ago" but I didn't want to bother you.

Something funny about an Old man using a circa 1998 PC with Circa 1960's technology. :/

RTFM vs. CMFS

[Anonymous Coward]

The most hilarious story I have is when my dad called my about eight years ago at work. He was using Quicken and wanted to know how to make a "new Quicken for your aunt." I had never used it at the time, so I said, "Okay, look under the 'file' menu. Is there something there that looks like 'New' or 'Create new?'"
Yes, there was, and my dad selected it, and made a new account for dear Aunt Nan. Then I told him, "Dad, what we have here is your basic RTFM problem."
"RTFM? What's that?"
"That's 'Read The Fuckin' Manual', dad." (my dad is tough, he can take it)
My dad paused and said, "Well, I just decided to CMFS."
Which baffled me. "What's that?"
"Call My Fuckin' Son"

Alan

Re:RTFM vs. CMFS

[mslinux]

OMG, we're all brothers...Dad? Dad???

PCAnywhere

[fuzzybunny]

Do not install Linux, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Put Windows 98 on the damn thing, install PCAnywhere and a reasonable personal firewall package that they can't break (ZoneAlarm works just fine) and tell them not to touch ANYTHING that's not on the desktop. In fact, put a piece of sticky tape with 'WHEN IN DOUBT, HIT CANCEL' across the top of the monitor.

I've managed to keep my girlfriend's parents' $100 P166 up and running for ages now like that. I got them a cable modem, they can check their email and play their card games and look at web sites, and they're happy campers. What more could I ask?

And on those occasions when I have to stop by and actually sit down in front of the thing, it usually takes me about 15 minutes (5 to fix and 10 to reboot) and I get a free home-cooked meal out of it...

Re:PCAnywhere

[spoonyfork]

... and with pcAnywhere installed you could remotely hook yourself up with a free meal whenever you want one! >:)

*click* *click* *CRASH*
*riiiiing* *riiiiing*
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, it's your mom again. I can't check my recipes on the computer again. I'm trying to fix that pot roast you like so much for dinner."
"Oh really? I'll be right over to fix it. I think I might know what the problem is."

Re:PCAnywhere

[Xibby]

Or, forget PC Anywhere. Install WinXP (Home or Pro), install [url=http://www.networksimplicity.com/openssh/]Ope n SSH for Windows[/url], install [url=http://www.tightvnc.com]Tight VNC[/url]

Set up users without administrator access. hell, use empty passwords for the normal users accounts. Do use seperate users! Setup an admin account that IS NOT administrator, just incase they change the administrator password on you and forget it.

Now, explain to them how to use the admin accoun. Use it to install and update your system only. Do not use it to do work. If you use the admin account, you should be able to tell me exactly what you did under that account so that I have an idea what went wrong with your computer when you do call me.

That is the only way I've been able to deal with my parents and windows. :) Now if they would only get broadband so I can actually read what Tight VNC is displaying... :)

Re:PCAnywhere

[Xibby]

Lord I'm an idiot...too many stupid forums lately....slashdot does html Xibby...duuuuuh! Use preview Xibby...duhhhh!

Tight VNC

Open SSH for Windows

Next on /.

[BluGuy]

I got new shoes! With laces!

I feel better now.

[X]

Thank you so much for this article. Tech support for family members is a source of great stress in my life, however, none of them have sent me a power bar in the mail. I never realized how easy I had it. ;-)

My solution

[yamla]

I ended up providing tech support to pretty much all of my family. And that's fine, it is a skill I have that I am happy to share.

But supporting hardware makes me frustrated. I am a computer programmer at heart and I can't stand working with hardware, though I am good at it.

So I have a strict policy. I will fix at most one hardware problem a day. That's it. If I already did some hardware work on my computer, you are out of luck for the day. You have two hardware problems? Well, pick which one you want fixed.

It works remarkably well. I can keep my sanity when fixing other people's hardware. I don't get angry. I don't spend entire days working on the stuff (because it never takes _that_ long to fix a single problem). And most of my family's hardware problems get resolved quickly.

Group sigh of "been there" - for everyone.

[Presence2]

Great read, the pains of pushing parents into the computer age has been one of my continuing traumas ever since I was old enough to dial a 2400 baud modem. Building and maintaining my own machine was always fine, but working on theirs always involved some sort of voodoo and stab in the dark diagnosis. I swear to god "disk image" technology was not created for replication of server setup and backup of critical business applications, but by some guy tired of fixing his parents computer.

I got smart about 4 years ago, after building and repairing (and being responsible for) about a half a dozen various models of pc for them.

I bought them a 800 number.

We all know a compaq and a dell and a gateway and a sony are all the same pentium chip, variations on a theme behind a mitsui cd-rom, sygate/quantum HD, etc etc etc. It's the tech support and the flashy brand name plastic case you buy. So buying one of these machines for a vastly overpriced sum is merely the cost of peace of mind when stamping in HUGE print on the top of the monitor a 800 support number for -anything- that they have questions about, and save those boxes kids, send it back to wherever if there's a problem for free.

Of course it doesn't reduce the flow of calls completely, (do I need to leave the cd in to play music once it's started?) but it cuts down on them significantly enough to make that 800 number worth any price.

Top Family Support Issues:

[N8F8]

1) How do I copy and paste again?
2) How do I open this email attachment?
3) How do I install this new program?
4) What did your nephew do to my computer?
5) Dad bought a new (?), how do I install it?

I do tech support for many family members. My mom actually started referring her friends to me. One thing I have learned is to not be too nice to the elderly. Unless you piss them off a little they won't remember the instructions.

My fav...

[somethingwicked]

A particularly clueless user, who luckily no longer works here, I will call Eve.

Eve INSISTED on storing important HR documents on floppy disks. Tho I explained 20 different reasons why this was a bad idea and better, safer alternatives, she did it anyways.

This lead to "INVALID BOOT DISK" error messages on more than 10 times during a two month span.

As someone who once worked as a trainer, I am quick to politely explain how to fix an issue and many times even a layman's explanation of why.

"Eve, just take the floppy disk out..." etc.

I thought about disabling the option to boot from a floppy disk, but EVERY time she SEEMED to get it.

So finally one day it happened. She called me up:

Eve (stressed)- "I am getting an error message that says 'Invalid Boot Disk' and I did what you said, I took the floppy disk out"

Knowing that FOR ONCE just maybe the hard drive had died, I told her I would come right down.

Luckily, when I arrived Eve was on the phone.

She was right.

She was getting the error message.

She had taken the floppy disk out.

She had NOT, however, read the message that said "PRESS ANY KEY TO CONTINUE"

I waited for a moment, decided that it wasn't worth the effort, and because she was leaned over the keyboard, I turned the comp off and back on and walked away.

She was terminated in next month...

Linux!!!

[kruczkowski]

I moved away from my parents that live in Germany to Tampa. What I made sure was working before I left was my linux box. When my mom want to send me a photo or something I just tell her, "leave it on the desktop", or when I want to send my mom a quicktime movie I upload it to my linux box then copy it over, so she never knows how it got there.

It's funny becouse I talk to my brother sometimes and tell him that he is low in HD space, 3000 miles away.

Sadly my mom said that they might have to move soon to a diffrent town. I hope my server comes back up!

Remote assistance

[TopShelf]

At least there are tools like Remote Assistance in WinXP that can help - I was able to use it a couple weeks ago to save myself a 45-minute drive. I was actually pretty impressed with the performance, considering my in-laws machine was just using dial-up access...

that is why

[kraksmoka]

my mother was the proud recipient of . . . . an iMac. the story is like this . . ..

about three years ago, i was in compUSA lookin around with some friends when i stumbled thru the floor models area and there were two, 333 mhz imacs, just sitting there. i got a price, $500 bucks, called home, and after goading them for six or so hours convinced them to get the machine.

they had been talking about getting a computer since i was in jr. high, and they really needed to get into the digital age. at that point i was long out of the house, and they kept bitching that they couldn't figure out why i thought the internet job i had was any good. so i figured, they needed the machine.

bottom line. my "mommy spam" folder has been flooded ever since. for a 50 year old woman who had never seen a computer before, it is her life, completely. she won't let anyone in the family touch the machine, me included. and it sure is a good thing that it has not had a single serious maintenance issue since they bought it. best of all, since it only has one plug, they figure out how to plug it back in after they clean around it.

Story time, eh?

[lynx_user_abroad]

A former senior manager once asked me (in a room which held a Windows support tech, a Linux zealot, and myself) what soft of computer he should buy for a relation of his. I answered the question with two of my own:

Who is going to be responsible for supporting this computer?

"Me, of course." he answered.

Are you going to be paid for the support you offer?

"Of course not." he replied, wondering why I even had to ask that question.

"Then," I replied, "Simple choice: Get a Macintosh. If things change, and you find you will no longer be required to support it, suggest Linux for the power, flexibility, and reduced cost. On the other hand, if things change and you will still be supporting it, but find you will be paid for the support, recommend Windows."

This Director soon became responsible for Information Technology Support at our site, and recommended a cutover to an all-Windows environment. Fortunately, he allowed some of us to run Linux, under "no support offered" terms.

Just a story, of course. ;-)

Commonly heard answers to questions:

[Curialis]

What does the screen say now?
NOTHING...IT DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING!!!!
Is there a window open on the screen?
Yes.
What does the text say in the window?

(informative information from open window here)

------

Is your Modem plugged into your surge protector?

No, the modem stopped working after the last electrical storm so I unplugged in from the surge protector and plugged it into the wall. It starting working right away. Now it won't work at all!!

---------

Did you reboot the machine?

Yes.

So, you actually shut down the machine and rebooted?

YES! I REBOOTED.

Are you sure you didn't just log off and back in?

Uhhhh......

-----------

Sigh....

Re:WTF???

[Ballsy]

Or that it was a well written chronicle of our geeky, nerdy daily lives? Well, it was not. Neither "normal", nor interesting nor well written.

I enjoyed the read...it was a funny story to which I can relate and to me, was better than reading about some new video card that zitty teenagers like yourself will run out and buy so you can finally accumulate more "frags" than your friends on whatever the game-of-the-week is. This is called "subjective". You'll learn about it when you reach high school.
Furthermore, you don't speak for everyone here, so perhaps let the rest of us decide whether we felt it was "well written", "normal" or "interesting".

Linux/ssh/vnc remote admin'ing

[pkiguruman]

Ever since I moved my parents over to Linux from Windows, the only tech support I give is for StarOffice functionality - instead of the OS crashing. It's great!!!

Remote admin'ing is very nice.

Now I just need to get my in-laws switched over. I finally got them off of AOL and Linux is the next step. For the time being, I had them install VNC so I don't have to do anything over the phone (unless they have a network problem)

Amen, brother.

[mbourgon]

Anymore, I recommend Dell. Why? Tech support more patient than I am. I haven't done phone tech support for several years now, but I still have to help Dad select multiple icons. Dell doesn't fix that, they keep the computer running so I don't have to - and can focus my attention on the shift key or click-and-drag.

Same at parties - buy a Dell or a Mac. Both do tech support, and then I just _can't_ work on it - it'll ruin the warranty. :)

it could be worse

[prof187]

there could have been nothing wrong with it in the first place, the mother could have just unplugged the monitor...

or have done a gem like i've had to troubleshoot
a couple PCs weren't working at school, so I went over to fix them. I flipped the switches and sure enough, nothing worked. So i crawled underneat the table they were sitting on to check if the were plugged in. Sure enough they were plugged into power strips. Only problem, Power strip A was connected to Power strip B, which was connected to Power stip A. If only...

My Latest Family Tech Support 'Adventure'

[Cy Guy]

My Brother-in-Law is a victim of the tech-support provided by his own brother who has instead of giving up the ghost and making him buy a new PC for a couple hundred bucks, kept upgrading his box, but keeping the same hardrive (at one point adding first a zip drive, and then a second HD for storage). As a result he had sort of a mismash of hardware with a 16-bit soundcard, and other legacy cards running on a Pentium II system with the original Windows 95 (and no remaining install disks).

Well eventually it was suffering from serious problems (in fact it still is having problems - but is generally working), and then stopped booting into Windows altogether.

Of course this had to happen just days after our most recent visit and likely many weeks before either his brother or I could make a "housecall". Over two hours (free long-distance on weekends is definately a mixed blessing) I carefully walked him through the process of (using only the Windows/DOS command line) of locating the most recent (2 years old!) backup of his user.dat & system.dat files (which being 'hidden' system files are not easy to find or move) and using them to overwrite his current copies. Which, following several reboots, got him into Windows.

That following weekend he went to a computer expo and bought a Win98 ugrade disk for (I think) $10. His system now generally works, but still doesn't shut down cleanly, though I think I will be able to get that fixed during the next "housecall".

70 years old power user

[PolR]

My mom has decided her computer is the best way to manage family protographs and home videos. We spent half of Christmas in a training/debugging session on how to optimise the JPEG compression on the digital camera and how to transfer the pictures into Photoshop to correct exposure problems. We spent a portion of my father's bithday party on how to rip a CD to get that music that so wonderfully match the dance of fireflies she captured on video. That's real family tech support and it is hopeless to get that from Dell.

I totally feel the pain

[SirLantos]

I was actually doing tech support for my mom, here is the approximate conversation:

Me: Ok, what's the problem
Mom: The computer won't do anything
Me: Can you move the mouse around?
Mom: Nope, the pointer just sits there
Me: Ok, its just froze, go ahead and turn the computer off, give it a couple of secs and turn it back on
(After a few moments)
Me:Ok, turn it back on now.
Mom:Ok
Me:What is it doing?
Mom:Nothing, its still on the same screen
Me:*Dumbfounded*On the same screen? ok, thats wierd. Didn't go through any booting or anything like that
Mom:No
Me:*idea*What button are you pushing to turn it off?
Mom:The one on the TV thing
Me: Ok, I know what the problem is, on the big tower thingie, there should be a power button, hit that.
Mom:I can't find it
Me: *trying not to sound frustrated*Ok, do you see where the cord goes in to the wall?
Mom:Yes
Me:Pull it out
Mom:Won't that hurt
Me: Probably not
Mom:So it might?
Me:*Not wanting to explain it*No, it won't
Mom: Are you sure?
Me:Yes, I'm sure.
Mom:Ok (sounds in background) Done. Me:now, plug it back in
Mom:Done.
Me: Is it booting up?
Mom:YES!! You are such a genious.
*Conversation irrelevant from here on in.*

How my father blocks SPAM

[sstidman]

Two weeks ago, my Dad told me that he ordered Call Intercept for the phone line at his new house. He was all happy because he was convinced this would reduce all that unwanted, dirty e-mail he keeps getting. I clued him in.

Also, there are notes written all over case of my fathers computer monitor. I don't think he quite gets the whole "use the computer to take notes" concept.

I love my parents

[PhipleTroenix]

I can never repay my parents for everything they've done for me in my life. My dad is very smart and has been able to offer sage advice my whole life (he's in his 80's, I'm in my 40's). I'm the only one of my siblings who is able to offer advice to my parents. The rest of them must lift heavy objects or rake leaves to give something back.

I get warm fuzzies helping them. I help their friends, it makes them proud.

My mother grew up without central heat or indoor plumbing (in Michigan). They've come a long way, and deserve to take it easy in their old age. I'm amazed at the ruluctancy of the /. crowd to help those who've helped them so much.

My story from just last week...

[sdo1]

Mom (on phone): My computer stopped working.
Me: What are you doing?
Mom: Writing a letter. I tried to check the grammar and it just stopped.
Me: Did you save it first?
Mom: What?
Me: Save it. Save the file. You're in Microsoft Word, right?
Mom: Yes
Me: How long is the letter?
Mom: About 10 pages.
Me: And you didn't save it along the way?
Mom: No, I just type it, print it, and then shut off the computer when I'm done.
Me: Sigh...

The rest involved a late night dash to my folks house. Turns out that indeed MS Word had crashed when trying to grammar check (surprise), but luckily Word was smart enough to recover the document following a reboot.

It's impossible to explain the concept of a "file" to my parents. If they "save", this cryptic box comes up in front of them asking for a file name, file type, location, etc. If you don't understand the basics, understanding that box might as well be like understanding greek.

The other thing is general technology. I KNOW I'm going to be called upon for tech support on any technology item in their house (TV, DVD player, computer, programable thermostat, etc.). And usually I don't mind helping at all, but if I'm going to be doing tech support, I want to be involved in the purchase decision. It's gotten to the point where I've had to tell them that they're on their own if they make an impulse buy of some piece of technology without talking to me first...

-S

Re:My story from just last week...

[TedCheshireAcad]

I KNOW I'm going to be called upon for tech support on any technology item in their house (TV, DVD player, computer, programable thermostat, etc.).

Last Christmas my mother decided to buy my father a complete home theater system with DVD player, surround sound, the whole bit. Of course my father, being a complete technophobe, let it sit in the boxes for days. Finally, my mother asked me to set it up because I "am good at computers", which of course, as the Slashdot crowd knows, makes you an instant expert at anything powered by electricity.

Re:My story from just last week...

[ChaosDiscord]

...I "am good at computers"...makes you an instant expert at anything powered by electricity.

Actually, it's basically true.

"Good at computers" often just means, "pays attention to what is going on, reads the screen, reads the directions, and isn't deathly afraid of simple experimentation." This is why little kids often find computers easy, they don't have any fear and they view reading the documentation as an acceptable price to pay for playing with the cool toy.

Given those qualifications, you're qualified to do lots of things and look like a hero to others. You may not know the specifics of the stereo, but I expect you'll be comfortable skimming the docs and plugging things in. If it doesn't work, you'll not panic, you'll just jiggle cords and try testing each connection one at a time until it does work.

My sister, the clueless

[AppyPappy]

My sister calls me "My computer doesn't work". We talk over a few things and find out she deleted something she wasn't supposed to delete so we restore it. The conversation continues:
Me: What kind of PC do you have?
Her: It's a Compaq. I've had this over a year so I guess it will die soon
Me: Huh?
Her: Yeah. all my computers die within a year. And I don't like this one. It won't fit in my desk.
Me: Huh? (note trend)
Her: Yeah, I put the box thing in the desk but the door won't close.
Me: Door? (she now thinks I'm a clueless fuck)
Her: Yeah, it has this large box on the side with a door so I always put the PC box in there and closed the door. This one is too big and I can't close the door. It's a pain

She burnt up a computer every year.

Preventative Measures

[old_skul]

A friend has a t-shirt that reads:

"No, I will not fix your computer."

It is required attire at all holiday family gatherings.

Re:Preventative Measures

[neptuneb1]

You mean this one?

I'm personally a fan of this one since most people don't even know they're being insulted. Plus, you can quickly find the geeks in the room as they'll be the ones giving you an understanding grin...

Re:Slow News Day?

[Doug Neal]

Do you want to hear how I taught my mom how to use email?

Go on then. Beats working :D

+5 Insightful!? WTF???

[EvilStein]

Had my parents beaten me to a bloody pulp, I might consider being their tech support monkey something that "evens out the grand scheme of things."

God, there is no way that taking care of me for 15 years is anywhere equal to the tech support nightmare that is my grandmother.
My mom has a computer science degree, but grandma calls me instead. Ugh.

Don't do tech support for the Family!

[GreenJeepMan]

Sure its nice to a good samaritan. But don't ever do tech support for the family. It all starts out nice with your girlfriend and parents. But eventually, you will start getting calls from your girlfriend's mom, you uncle, your cousins, your cousins' best friend. Then relatives you never met and then their friends.

Then when you start say your too busy, they all start to hate you. You get dumped and completely ostracized from your family.

10 years later you die and get eaten by your 7 cats. You wouldn't want that to happen would you?

Not that this has happened to me or anything, I only have 2 cats.

http://upallnite.com/

it's easier than that if you use free software.

[twitter]

If they can't put it together themselves after you tell them what parts to get and install an OS on their own, just let them buy the Dell and deal with their tech support department.

I hate doing that as much as I hate watching my mom buy a $500 break job. It happens but like a patient Vorgon, I do nothing.

Yet the picture you and the story presents is incomplete. There is a middle ground between boobs and people who bother to assemble PCs in their spare time. Also, barring failure of the machine itself, there's no reason an old PC can't live on for decades usefully serving ordinary needs.

Most people can tell the difference between an extension chord and the box with blinking lights and fans. My mom is in this group.

Her current computer could serve her for the rest of her life. I've only had one computer fail due to hardware failure. My oldest computer was an XT clone purchased in 1988. It was working when I finally dissasembled it in 2000. My next oldest machine is a 66MHz 486 and it's still running as a fanless gateway. My baby girl tried to kill it this morning by repeatedly pressing the reset button but most of it survived. My mom has better sense. Her computer is a rooten-tooten Dell lap top with an extra large screen she bought two years ago. I don't know what kind or processor is in it, but it's more than enough to run email. When the Windoze ME dies, I'm going to take the time to install Debian on it.

I'll go through the costs associated with her options and I'm sure Debian will be the winner. I'll let her call Dell and get their advice. I'll call a CompUSA and see what they have. I imagine either of those options will lead to an OS "upgrade" of one kind or another for no less than $250, weeks of waiting, multiple hours of my time spent digging up Windoze drivers and the sure knowledge that it will flake out again in two years. Chances are Dell does not "support" it anymore. The Debian option will only cost me a few hours of time and the cost of a pccard modem to replace the nasty winmodem. With a periodic apt-get update and upgrade, I'm sure I'll never have to fool with it again but that I could remotely if I had to. Which option would you chose?

This picture

[KewlPC]

Not 100% on-topic, but still relevant IMO, is this picture

Please, think of the kittens.

Re:This picture

[cdf123]

Not 100% on-topic, but still very relevant to the parent post, is this picture

Please, think of the domo-kuns.

doesn't work like that (for me)

[gosand]

If they can't put it together themselves after you tell them what parts to get and install an OS on their own, just let them buy the Dell and deal with their tech support department.

For me it doesn't work like that. See, my dad knew a guy who knew a guy who could get him a deal. So they bought a PC from some local shop. (this is in a small town of 3000 people). So when the thing kept freaking out, they kept calling me. They had the tech come down and replace this part, and that part, and it still kept dropping them from the internet or crashing every 15 minutes. No, I am not kidding, BSOD about every 15 minutes. Hardware conflicts galore.

When I visited a few months before Xmas, I looked at the system - K62-500, all generic parts. I said - you want me to build you a system? I can do it for $200.
"But Jimmy Somenuts built this one for $300. So now we are going to be spending $500 on a computer? We just need it for email and looking up stock prices. That seems like a lot."

If you want it to work, let me do it. I figured at least if I built it, I would know what they were getting. They didn't want to spend the $$ for a new system from somewhere like Dell. And my brother, who is an avid eBayer, kept saying "I can get one on eBay cheaper than that!". But he has no clue about computers, and I didn't want to have to support some garbage eMachine.

So they agreed. I built them a low-end system at the time - AMD Duron 800, 128 MB RAM, 10 GB hard drive (and old one I had lying around), CD-ROM, 8MB AGP card and 56k modem (I had spares of both), floppy, keybd, mouse. I told them if they got me a 19" monitor for Xmas, I would give them my 17" (they were using a 15"). I built it, put a copy of Win98 on it, and that was that. All of their problems went away, and I haven't had a single tech call since. I have their K62-500 running Linux and acting as my backup server right now. I took the piece of junk off their hands in exchange for the parts that I put into the system from my own "inventory". The damn CD drive is a piece of garbage, it failed twice during my Linux installation.

Overall, it was worth my investment to build them a system, because it cut down on the number of questions that I got from them. I was really tempted to install Linux on there, but I wanted to *decrease* the number of phone calls I got from them. :-)

Not Funny.

[mdxi]

I have nothing nice to say, so I'm saying this.

Is Slashdot going to be like Segfault or K5 now? Send in your lame-ass "humor" and horribly overwrought fiction! Impress the moderators! Get published on the web! (Special slashdot clause: get published TWICE since none of the staff ever read the site) Be judged by your peers!

I could be wrong, but...

[Dthoma]

...wouldn't using VNC be cheaper and easier?

Father in Law

[tacocat]

My Father in Law called me one day and told me that he deleted the Internet.

"I deleted the Internet"
"really?"
"Yep. It's all gone. Can't find a thing"
"Well then... If I were you I would run and hide because I think you are in a lot of trouble"
"Huh?"
"Hang on..."
(I start Mozilla)
"Seems OK on this end..."

To this day, he still thinks deleting a shortcut for Netscape is the same as deleting the Internet

I don't do windows

[gsfprez]

I've finally convinced even my mom that I can't do windows. The last 3 times i've tried to help her, i've done more damage than help.

This is because, upon each subsequent "repair attempt" at fixing windows machines, i find myself *actually* unable to fix them - short of formatting and installing windows, that is.

I mean, i honestly don't know how to do it any more.. my Windows repair muscles have completely atrophied in the last 6 years....

I don't know wtf anything is, i don't understand why changing the IP forces a reboot, i don't know which DLLs to uninstall when i uninstall something....

and seriously... what the fuck is up with the start menu in XP? Is that supposed to be "easier" to use? where the fsck did all the programs go? where the fsck is the printer folder underneath the Settings folder so i can see what printers the computer thinks it knows about? and where can i go to get a fscking command line?

I'm 100% totally lost using Windows XP - i feel like my grandafther trying to stop the VCR from blinking 12:00.

so i just tell them all, honestly..i do not know how to fix windows - and i won't help you because I *CAN'T* help you.

But i'll talk your ear off to get a Mac... and if you get one, I can help you then. But i cannot fix your problems with windows.

Mac OS X problems take me 30 seconds to resolve, and most often involve someone being too fearful to just hit a button.

I don't know what to say.. it think i'm getting old.

Linux was the biggest mistake of my life

[Lokatana]

Not for me, of course, but for setting up a firewall / app server on Linux for my brother.

I should have known that he wouldn't take the time to learn any of it, and would expect me to do even the simplest of support tasks. Myself, being a fairly busy IT professional, now finds myself spending an inordinate amount of time doing "enterprise support" for my brother's home network.

Of course, everything is an emergency because of the various online gaming services he is running, and once he has any problem that impacts his ability to access those servers, he's on the phone calling me.

Why didn't I tell him to pirate NT4 Server, and get him to set up his own firewall on there? Then I could legitamently say "Uh, can't help you. I don't touch MS products. It's against my religion."

-Lokatana

My parents

[khendron]

My parents just do not get it. They are worse than most, I think.

You have to explain to your parents how to cut & paste? I have to explain to my parent what cut & paste is.

Last time somebody emailed my dad some photos, he couldn't view them. I tried to get him to save the attachments to a file and view them with his browser. He didn't know what a browser was. I eventually had him forward me the message, I uploaded the pictures to my website, and sent him an email with links. He *does* know how to click on a link to open a browser. I think. Last time I checked my web site stats, the pictures had not been viewed.

I once had to explain to my parents how to resize a window. That included pointing the mouse at the corner of the window, clicking and holding the left mouse button, moving the mouse to get the desired window size, *and* releasing the left button. That last step eluded them.

My mom once looked at my XML.com t-shirt and said "What a funny sized shirt you are wearing. Extra-Medium-Large!".

Standardizing the family

[ethank]

I'm working toward standardizing my family. With just my west-coast family (which is my mom's parents and brother and grandparents), we have 16 computers. So far I've got my fiance, my sister and myself on Mac's, and have everyone else on Windows XP. This is good: common install base.

Geographically, we are all over from central coast CA to way southern CA so I make sure every house (four of them) has broadband with a way for me to get in (VPN).

But I do have a rule: don't buy anything you don't ALREADY know how to use. My grandpa is a gadget freak and will often buy equipment he has no clue what to do with:

Case in point: his webcam. He bought it, set it up and returned it immedietly. Why? "I do not want to see naked people on my computer screen whom I would run screaming from in the real world." He discovered the "joy" of Netmeeting.

Not good.

My dad is computer illiterate and doesn't understand the difference between "minimize" and "close." My mom is computer literate, but doesn't delete anything. My sister has a new Imac, but doesn't close any programs. My fiance hates her TiBook, and loves it at the same time. My uncle works for EMC, so thats fine. His wife runs her store on a WinXP dell, which is not a good computer to have break.

So here's my advice to family tech support people:

• Standardize! Have everyone on the same versions of software.
  
• Use the tools of each operating system: none of my family have full admin access to any of their machines. Only I do. It prevents them from screwing everything up. This includes WIndows and OSX
  
• Use multi-user if the computer warrants it: my parents computer has multiuser setup on XP and its a blessing since my dad likes killing files and my mom doesn't delete.
  
• Have a way to get in remotely: I can get into any of the computers in the family via VNC, Windows Remote Desktop or Mac Remote Desktop.
  
• Centralize backups - I currently do this with only mail, as I run the family mail server from my apartment. I'm thinking of using WebDAV or something similar to do it with documents.
  
• After installing, make an image - I do this on all the computers so if things go bad, I restore the image.
  
• Try to temper hardware purchases - Make sure family members run purchases by you before buying, either so you can say "get me one too!" or "NO!"
  
• If you have the bandwidth, run a mail/web server for your family. I do this (since I also do it for my site) on a business 1.1 mbit SDSL line. Saves lots of trouble with support and also lets you do virus/spam checking for them all.
  
• Cascade upgrades - all old computers come back to me, get repurposed and used for either older family members (for just e-mail/word processing) like my great-grandparents, or they get used as "special" servers such as a backup server. Either that or get donated to salvation army for tax deductions.
  
• Make sure you get consulted on any new computer purchases. I have had to have my grandparents or parents cancel many purchases because they were purchasing crap.
  
• Go Mac, its much easier.
  

Re:Standardizing the family

[JavaJoint]

awesome! I enjoy hearing about a family that has a clue.

What is that like? :-)

Don't listen to me!

[simetra]

Mom: Why is my computer so slow?

Me, looking at the dozen icons in the systray: Because you've got all that crap running.

Mom: I need that.

Me: Okay, suit yourself.

A week goes by

Mom: I bought this printer and it doesn't work, I get this exception error whenever I plug it in.

Me: That's probably because of all the crap you have running.

Mom: Why doesn't this work!!!!

===== A not-far-from-reality dramatization follows =====

Mom: Godddamn it!!!! Why doesn't my computer work! You like to play with computers!!!!! Fix it, damn it!!!!

Me: Look, I told you not to install and run all that crap, but you do anyway!!!!

Mom: But I need it!!!!!!

Me: No, you don't!!!!!

Mom: I do too! I think I know a LOT more about computers that you do, mister!!!!

Me: Then what are you calling me for?!

Mom: Because I can! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

Re:Lack of Equip(m)ent

[Anonymous Coward]

I think it's the "I post this Slashdot joke every chance I get, and it never gets old" post.

1) I have no life.
2) I copy the same joke seen on a thousand stories since, even though it is no longer original or funny, and even though the South Park episode that spawned it is several years old now, but just imagine a Beowulf cluster of them!
3) ?
4) Stoppit!

My mom

[pclminion]

I never have problems with my mom. After all, she spends her days using OS/390 and writing reports in EasyTrieve and Cobol. The only complaint I ever hear from her is the occassional "Fuck!!!" directed at the laptop...

I'm proud of my Big Iron Momma.

My best family incident

[kanotspell]

Once I came home to my mom holding the vacuum cleaner hose up to the computer. When I tapped her on the shoulder she jumped, obviously panicked. She had mistakenly put a cd in the old 5" floppy drive and was trying to "suck it back out" before anyone came home.

Shouldn't need to be like this

[Junks Jerzey]

Everyone's making fun of non-techie computer owners, but cup-holders aside, most of the problems that people have with their computers are because of how complex PCs have become. No one has this kind of trouble with cell phones, game consoles, or DVD players. All this fiddling with BIOS settings, re-installing operating systems, trying to get video cards to work...it's all so baroque and 1970s.

Maybe, just maybe, PCs have reached the end of their useful lifecycle. If you work for a corporation and have on-site tech support, then okay, but not at home. And the alternative doesn't need to be a dumb e-terminal thing either. Anyone who thinks that is narrow minded.

Re:Shouldn't need to be like this

[Hard_Code]

"Maybe, just maybe, PCs have reached the end of their useful lifecycle."

Personal computers, no. The PC architecture proper, yes. A long time ago. We're finally seeing things like serial ATA, USB, etc, and now some new tech from Intel and AMD on a universal bus that can be used for both graphics and other I/O. There is no reason computers need to be as complicated as they are (besides the awful reason of backwards compatibility). You should plug it in and it should just work. Got a new/upgraded component? Pop out the old one and pop in the new one. No f*cking with jumpers, no f*cking with IRQs, no f*cking with drivers (there is now a movement to "embed" drivers in the devices themselves). Apple at least is making good strides at this.

Transcript Of My Last Tech Session With Mom

[E-Rock-23]

Mom: Eric? I need your help.
Me: There's a surprise. What's wrong now?
Mom: This thing is running slow. Can you fix it?
Me: Yes, mom, but you're going to have to let me get rid of WindowsXP. This processor isn't designed to handle it, and XP is sucking the life out of it.
Mom: But I don't want to get rid of XP. I'll lose all my programs I have installed.
Me: Wow, the whole two programs you use. It'll be a cinch to resinstall them.
Mom: I don't know. Is this the only way to fix the problem?
Me: Yep, the only way.
Mom: You'ld better not screw this machine up.
Me: If you're so afraid of that, Mom, why the hell did you ask for my help in the first place?
Mom: Um...
Me: Look. Either we axe XP and install 98SE, or you can just sit here and deal with waiting 5 minutes for your programs to load. Your choice. (walks away)
Mom: That's what I get for adopting a smart guy. Alright, do what you have to.

One Hour Later...

Me: Mom, it's fixed.
Mom: Where's the green Start Button?
Me: Mom, it's not in Windows 98. All Windows' are most certainly not created equal. Each new one sucks more than the last one. And that Green button is just plain nasty looking. Now everything is at least halfway tolerable.
Mom: Bring back the green button, Eric.
Me: No can do, mom. Only comes with Windows XP. Noticing the pattern yet? (walks away again) Have fun. I reinstalled everything for you, and even reset your accounts for Trillian. You owe me $150 now. (leaves the house)

This is the kind of crap I deal with almost daily. I hate doing tech support for my parents. Hell, my 7 year old niece could solve these problems for them. Sad, isn't it.

Great Story

[gentgeen]

I could not help but laugh as I read the story. I don't care if it is really true or not, I'm sure we have all felt that way at sometime. (I know I have)

For those of you who 'won't help family' -- Shame on you -- I will ALWAYS help out family. They raised you, cared for you, gave you what you needed/wanted, don't you think that a little time spent expaining "a computer" is a worth return??

As for friends, why not?? I have always felt that knowledge should be shared. Isn't that what the Open Software movement is really about? I am a teacher by trade, and believe me, I am used to repeating myself -- Sometimes it takes a while for someone to learn something 'alien', but in the end it is worth it to help them become a better person.

-- Just my 1/50 of $1.00

Advice from my extensive experience in this area

[-tji]

- Ghost is your friend: Before sending them the system, get it working right, then create a ghost image. Burn it on a CD, and have them put it in a safe place. When they screw it up beyond repair, walk them through the process of repaving their system.

- Knoppix: Those hard drives only last so long.. Once that puppy fails, they're offline for a while. A great disaster recovery method is a Knoppix Linux Live-CD. It pops them into a nice X-Windows interface, with all the expected app's, including office apps and Mozilla. This will get them back up and reading e-mail, bidding on EBay, and all those other important tasks. Maybe they'll even convert to Linux.

- VNC: Don't even try to have your dad explain what he sees on the screen (reading for 5 minutes, then skipping over the important error messages). Just connect remotely & poke around for yourself. This becomes a bit more difficult when both sides are on DSL, behind firewalls.. configure port forwarding on your firewall (or use a linux box as a firewall & do VNC on it).

- Use NT/Win2K: Win98 seems to attract all the garbage that can be thrown at it, and not hold up well. Win2K is much more resilient.

- Use NTFS: It may be harder to debug, but it holds up much better to the power-off's and resets that it will inevitably get.

Don't fix things. Make them fix it.

[c0d3h4x0r]

"Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach him to fish, and he eats for a lifetime."

The biggest mistake people make is that they simply fix a person's computer problem. The person remains completely clueless and uneducated.

Whenever a CU (clueless user) says they are thinking about buying a computer, tell them that they really don't want one. Tell them that a computer is kinda of like a car, only a thousand times worse. It requires daily maintenance, learning insanely complex technical details, frequent hardware breakdowns, and throwing heaps of money at it regularly. Spook the hell out of them. Only go down the route of actually helping them purchase a machine if they still demonstrate a consistent, committed desire to truly invest the time to learn and maintain a computer. Once they've been thoroughly spooked and they've gotten a computer, then you at least know they're willing to learn, and you can hold the lecture over their head if they start getting impatient or agitated over a problem later.

Then, whenever a problem does occur, don't fix it for them. Always refuse to assist with any computer problem over the phone -- it always has to be handled in person, with both of you in front of the offending machine. Don't drive the PC -- make them drive it. You can guide them through steps and teach things as you go through the fix together, but at each step of the way, you need to ask them to repeat things back to you so they can demonstrate actual understanding. No student driver ever learned by having the instructor drive the car for them while they watched.

This all takes painstaking patience. But if you stick to it, you'll find that the person will eventually become the "solve their own problems" type, capable and motivated enough to teach themselves, tinker on their own, and bail themselves out of trouble. Then you're off the hook. Unless the person is one of these morons incapable of learning, in which case you should probably just beat them senseless with an old Compaq "portable" lug-along.

Or, you can avoid all that and just never help anyone with their computer issues, ever, period. Personally, I consider computers a personal, individual matter. I take care of my own, and so should you, the end.

Tutorials

[psydeshow]

Remember back when GUIs were new and Macs came with a Tutorial that would walk you through the basics?

Here's how to select one thing, how to select multiple things, what are files, what is the clipboard, etc.

Does anyone else think that lack of good, basic tuturials are a major omission in modern OSes? Seems like they could bring a lot clueless users up to speed.

Lunar eclipse pagan party interruption

[statusbar]

ABout 6 years ago when I was married and living in a small town, there was a lunar eclipse and a somewhat pagan/alternative religion lunar eclipse party 15 miles up in the woods that my wife wanted to go to.

There was a nice big log cabin with a stream running through it, a wood stove, and a big bonfire outside. A whole bunch of people were dancing around the fire, playing drums and various musical instruments and singing songs about the moon. Even the local Anglican minister was there! He was cool.

If it were warmer outside, most of the people would have been skyclad.

So I am standing near the fire and the dancing singing people in the middle of nowhere.... and this guy walks up to me who I do not recognize.

"Are you Jeff Koftinoff?" He asks.

"Yup." I reply.

"My computer doesn't boot. How do I fix it?"

Now I know how doctors feel at parties. I felt like throwing him into the fire.

--jeff++

Just as frustrating as familial tech support...

[Anonymous Coward]

...is doing tech support for your computer-illiterate pastor, priest, rabbi, or other religious leader. In many ways it's a lot like supporting your family, because you can't just LART the living snot out of them when they don't listen.

I can deal with my parents, because they relied on me to set up the hardware and have the sense to listen to what I tell them. I also built their machine myself (it's an old gaming box of mine) and set it up with NT 4 locked down so they couldn't screw things up too badly. NT 4, for all its many faults, is pretty stable for generic office desktop use and doesn't usually eat itself spontaneously the way Win95 and '98 do.

My pastor, OTOH, doesn't quite seem to comprehend (despite being told on at least a dozen occasions) that I haven't used any breed of Windows for much other than making Powerpoint presentations and playing games in about 5 years. I work at a supercomputer center, fer cryin' out loud; I deal with Linux and various proprietary Unices all day, not this Winders crap. Yet somehow I get called on to do the "hard stuff" on the church's computers (running mostly '95 and '98), despite the fact that other folks in the church community know much more about Windows than I do...

Examples of the resulting fun include the following:

• installing a USB scanner on a Win95 machine which had neither the appropriate updates nor any sort of network connection to obtain them
• installing 3rd party memory upgrades in machines with no mobo manuals (or documentation of any kind) and where the existing memory was incompatible with the new stuff
• fielding a frantic call at 10:30pm on a weeknight because my pastor's teenage daughter didn't save her work in M$ Word regularly and now can't find the autosave file after the inevitable BSOD from WinME

These aren't particularly egregious when you've got a couple hours to spend on them. However, when you're got 30-40 minutes tops and you often have to squeeze in some rehearsal time too (I also play in my church's praise band), it tends to make one feel a bit harried...

--Troy

Falling into the Redundant Category...

[johnnick]

...but I have to add my own story. The year - 1987. I'm at college and am the family tech support. My parents have one of the early IBM PCs with twin 5 1/4" drives. ("Yes, child, in the early days PCs didn't have a hard drive.") I had managed to acuire a copy of DOS and an early version of WordPerfect that would run on this machine.

One day I get a phone call from my mother saying that the computer won't work. I asked what she was doing at the time of the failure.
"Getting rid of things so that I have space on the floppy disks."
"Hmmm...Go on."
"Well, I deleted a file and suddenly the computer wouldn't work any more."
"What was the file you deleted?"
"I don't remember the name."
"Did you look at it before you deleted it?"
"Oh, yes."
"And?"
"It was just gibberish and funny symbols."
Sigh.
Managed to track down a friend who could restore the files, fortunately.

Know your family.

[Lendrick]

My own immediate family is actually pretty reasonable when it comes to computers. I've fixed my sister's computer once or twice, and when I told her "don't download and install this crap anymore or your computer will get messed up again," she took it to heart, and now she's doing a lot better. Also, she never blamed me for her computer failing.

Also (and please excuse my cliched comment here), if you're setting up a computer for your grandma who just reads email and plays bridge, Linux may be a good option. It's not vulnerable to most of the malware/spyware/adware feces that slows so many computers down. Just do her a favor and don't spend three hours preaching to her about the virtues of open source. She just wants a computer she can use.

Internal PC repairs over the phone

[Pontiac]

We had just upgraded our home PC so my wife thought it would be a good idea to ship the old one off to her dad.. No problem..

We set it all up for him in advance and shipped out a monitor, PC, keyboard, ect via UPS..

Shortly after it arrived we got the call ( as expected). He has it all setup but nothing happens when he turns it on..

We go over the power cords but everything sounds ok..
My worst fear was the CPU fell out of the slot.. I figure since this guy is a master carpenter he can handle a screwdriver.
I told him I thought the CPU might be loose and he'll need to open the case to check..
Just look around for the big silver heat sink with 2 fans on it when you get it open.
No problem.. He'll get a screwdriver and call me back when he has the cover off..

10 minutes later he's back on the phone.. It's open but he can't find a silver heatsink with a fan on it anywhere.. hmmm

Me:What do you see?

Him: Well there's a bunch of wires, boards and a big tube.

Me:A tube???

Him: Yeah a tube.

Me: Did you open the monitor?

Him: Thats the PC isn't it?

Me: Umm no.. Don't touch anything in there.. Just put it back together. We need to open the big square box up that all the cables hook up to.

Him: ohh the power supply..

Me: Umm yeah sure thats it.

Him: ok I'll call you right back (click)

After he got "that other box" open he found the CPU and got it back in it's little slot..
After that everything was great.. till he bought a printer later that week at wall-mart..

You insensitive clod, obviously...

[raehl]

she couldn't find the 'Any' key.

I work in tech support

[nicotinix]

but I refuse to talk to endusers. Period. Not Happening.

As for support at home (wife, 3 kids - one PC each) it's very simple.

Daughter & younger son:
I install Linux and lock the box down and they don't have the root password. Never a problem. Occasionally they ask me to install a new application. Other than that, it just works. Annual support hours: 2

Wife & older son:
Need to run Windows for work/school. What a freakin nightmare. They already know the routine. Reboot. Then I typically ignore them for a few days. Then we reinstall and eventually reformat. Then I'm pissed for another two days. Funniest part is when my daughter makes fun of them. Annual support hours: countless

My favorite

[Biffer4810]

This was probably my favorite:

Family member: "Why isn't my friend getting this email"
Me: "Oh, well it looks like you typed a '1' instead of an 'l' in her email address"
Family member: "Oh. Well, how does the internet know the difference?"

It took me 15 seconds or so to even think of how to respond, I was so suprised by the question.

Here in the dorms, I get quite a few questions, but I don't mind. I like working with computers enough that taking a few minutes to solve a problem is a nice study break. For bigger problems I just say that I'd be happy to do it when I have some free time.

Strangest computer problem at school? That would have to be when my floor's janitor brought his computer into my room unannounced and asked me why the RAM he installed wasn't working. To this day I wonder how he knew that I'd be able to help him out. [It was the wrong kind of RAM for his mobo btw]

I just ssh in to support them

[sanermind]

Because I have my mom and dad running linux. Have for years, since before mozilla came down the pike. They were perfectly content with the old binary-only netscape and staroffice. Now they run mozilla and openoffice, and those are the only types of application that most non-technophiles really ever run. Oh, and the gnome games, of course. [Mom couldn't get by without solitare and mah-jong]. Linux not ready for the desktop? Phhhht.

Bash shell and remote access script

[ptbarnett]

but what script is this that sends the IP address?

I installed Cygwin on my father's computer, so that I could use sshd. I put an icon on his desktop that starts a bash shell. The shell prints out:

enter "./help" to initiate a help request.

Yes, it's redundant. But, it saves me from getting email when he just clicks the icon. He has still clicked the icon and carefully entered "./help", and swore up and down that he never did so until I showed him the email with the date and time.

The shell scripts starts sshd. VNC is already running and incoming port 22 is open on the firewall. I login to sshd with an ssh client that is set up to open a secure tunnel to port 5901. Then, I just launch VNC viewer on localhost:1 and I can do whatever I need. Since I already have a bash shell, I can do a lot of things through the command line (without much bandwidth needed). Since the desktop is shared, I can also walk him through any problem that he is having.

When I'm done, I use the bash shell (via the ssh client) to kill the sshd servers, closing the connection and any access to his system. There are two password layers, but I'd prefer to leave it closed.

Now, if I could just get him to quit opening viruses. He got hit by Klez, while he was dithering around, trying to find his old version of Norton anti-virus so he could get the upgrade rebate.

If You Receive Such Support

[kc0dxh]

If you are one who receives such support from a friend or family member there are some fairly simple things you can do to thank them and retain their services. These are suggestions from just such an individual and may not reflect your generous geek.

1.Thank Them. Don't gush. Don't thank them more than twice for a single incident.

2.Feed Them. Most geeks like free food. In spite of the traditional pizza and soda jokes, they really like good home cooking or a nice restaurant. They usually do no indulge in such pleasantries.

3.Clean off your desk before they arrive. While they are gracious about the clutter, it probably frustrates them to some degree.

4.Gifts. You have to be careful with gifts for a geek. Collecting floppy disks and AOL CD's is a bad idea. Most geeks desire gifts that are fairly expensive and are too modest to ask for such a gift. Confront them and ask what they really want, but only if you are prepared to spend more than $100. Gift certificates for tech stores are good. Cash is king. Say something like "I cannot afford to pay you the full value of your services, but I wanted you to have this to know that your generosity is appreciated". It will go a very long way. Don't buy them a gadget unless you are sure of the exact model they want. It is not wrong to say to them "I want to buy you a [insert gift item]. Which one should I get?"

5.Cards. A thank you card sent via US Postal Service is good. Do not be offended if they do not keep them very long.

6.Be patient and gracious. They see things differently than you - that is why you called them.

7.Keep you documents and CD's. Your favorite geek will probably tell you to keep your program CD's and some paperwork in a safe place. Just put everything in a single file folder and have it on the desk when they arrive. The tools they need to fix or upgrade your computer are in there.

8.Listen. When giving advice, they have your best interest at heart. Don't forget that you called them because you believe they know more than you about this. You don't have to understand everything they say. If you find something confusing or hard to remember, ask them to explain it again or write it down.

9.Ask questions. It is very difficult to understand what you want when you say something like "my icons are not right". Instead, rephrase it into a question like "how can I fix my icons?"

10.Storage. If you live withing a few blocks, offer them a corner of your basement or a closet for storage space. Many geeks live in apartments and could use some extra storage.

11.Gas. Offer to buy them a tank of gas for their trouble.

12.Old computer stuff. If you upgrade and don't plan on using your old computer or printer offer it to them. Frequently they will give the hardware to someone else who doesn't have one. You may have already been the recipient of such hardware or software and don't even know it.

13.Time. Respect their time. It is likely they are helping more people than just you. Use phrases like "is this a good time to call?", "what time works best for you?", "do you have time now?", "what do I need to have ready when you arrive?" It is easier to get support when the environment you create for them is pleasant to them.

14.Kids. Offer to babysit for them.

15.Internet. Offer to buy them broadband. Understand that this may be a perpetual expense or it could be for a limited time period - most service providers have term commitments.

Keep in mind that if you were to pay a company to send out an individual you would likely be paying $75 - $125 per hour plus trip charges. So, even if you are paying them a thank-you is still important.

Oh the stories

[skintigh2]

My wife's family was having all sorts of AOL troubles and slowdowns which weren't solvable by the means they had tried: screaming and accusations. So, one weekend we made the 4 hour drive to visit them and I checked out their computer. I hit ctrl-alt-del to see what is running, expecting 3 or 4 apps.

I had to scroll down 2 screens to see everything.

Every piece of spyware, adware, malware was there. ISP software from ISPs they don't use. Tons of programs HP included for no good reason. Random apps of unknown orogin. Kazaa. Napster. Multiple installations of AOL. Everything.

It runs much faster now. ...
I can't tell you how many people have had this conversation with me:
Them: "I am having such-n-such problem"
Me: "What OS?"
Them "Windows 97"

I have had people adamently insist they were runing "windows97." I think I've also heard of windows99. It's probably better than 97.

Crucial settings in XP

[harborpirate]

I almost crapped my pants the first time I booted XP. Where was everything? The desktop had a recycle bin, and that was all. Very frightening. Did it even install correctly, I wondered?

Well, yes - and in my opinion, no. But XP can be fixed. (Or at least made backwards compatible for those of us who are used to the old style.)

First, change to the classic Start Menu:

To change to the "Classic" Start menu, right-click Start, and click Properties. Click the radio button in front of Classic Start menu, click Apply and OK. This will fix the Start menu to look the old skool style, and also fix the desktop to display My Computer, Network Neighborhood, etc. Why a Start Menu setting fixes the desktop I don't know.

Second, disable simple (crippled) file sharing:

Open Windows explorer. Go to Tools | Folder Options | View.
Scroll to the bottom of the list of advanced settings and un-check Use Simple File Sharing (Recommended).
Click OK. This will fix the OS so that you can see the permissions on each folder.

Those two things should go a long way. I also change the windows explorer to Explore mode by default (so much faster to see the whole tree), and show file extensions. These are more advanced settings, so perhaps only suggest them to more computer literate people. Still, at least you won't get: "this file doesn't work" and ask them what kind of file it is. They have no clue because the extensions are hidden. The problem being that truly clueless users will strip the extensions off when renaming, rendering a file useless until the extension is re-added.

Or maybe you should just ignore this post so that you don't have to repair a family members broken OS :)

The right way. . .

[jhobbs]

After trying one to many times to walk family members through seemingly simple processes over the phone, only to nearly loose my sanity, I set up the following rules for "Family Tech Support."

1) They tell me what kind of computer they want and and send me the money.

2) I pick a computer and peripherals that are PC99 color coded compliant. I set up the computer and everything on it along with pcAnywhere, then FedEx it too them.

3) They are told to call me when the package so that I can make sure they don't try to jam a fushia connector into a lime port.

4) They then call the cable company and get a cable modem.

5) During the workday, while monitoring various routers, firewalls, servers, call recorders, etc.. . It goes kinda like

Run report on Company A web server. . . Check.
Patch Company B Exchange server. . . Check.
Troubleshoot Company C call recorder. . . Check.
Install Deluxe Mah Jong tiles for mom. . . Check.

Works great. I can do preemptive maintenance, log in and watch them recreate problems they are having, or simply call them up, take there mouse and go "see you just click here and. . .". Install software for them, rather than trying to pick up in the middle of a botched install.

It has added years to my life. Cause let me tell you, there is nothing more stressful than trying to be really cheerful and loving to your grandmother after she "deleted all those documents on the hard drive that she diddnt create."

It can be done.

[masonc]

I provide support for my familyt and neighbour without too much hassle. The trick is that I put them all on the network, lock down the computers, use a smaba server with roaming profiles so they load all their settings from the server, and none of them have the ability to install anything or have local accounts on their computers.
When another neighbour insisted on helping our networked neighbour to install program and was very upset he couldn't, and demanded the admin password, I offered to unlock the computer after I disconnected her from the network and shared internet feed. That was the end of that.

I don't do support for computers I can't lock down.